United States of Tara s03e02 Episode Script

Crackerjack

Previously on "United States of Tara" I know how badly you want to finish school.
I'm just a few credits short.
I don't know what you're concerned about.
The real reason Tara dropped out of school last time around she tried to kill herself.
First assignment is due on Wednesday.
Thank you very much.
Good day.
Charmaine Will you marry me? No.
Urban duchess isn't just a company about making tiaras, Kate.
I think I need to get a real job.
We're filmmakers, Marshall.
We need this camera.
Ow! Fuck! They're Braxton Hicks pre-labor contractions.
I'm moving in.
All right, you can have the couch.
Don't you worry.
We're here now.
I got your back, missy.
I want to do this by myself.
You can't.
You type.
I'll pontificate.
Moosh, what are you doing? Making a video so when mom graduates, she can remember her first day.
And so she began, climbing the staircase of academia.
Tara Gregson trembles at the learned gates of Kansas state overlan hey! Starring Kate Gregson as Kate and Billy crystal as the edgy drifter with a heart of gold and a pocketful of secrets.
Do you think the camera can't see how much you hate yourself inside? Ugh.
Hey, baby, your mom's running kind of late, so, uh, she's a little nuts.
Make her a cup of coffee, would you? Yeah, sure, but I have some heavy shit that I need to lay on you book bag! Book bag! Front door.
I can't find my book bag! Honey, front door, where you put it last night.
Any thoughts on this momentous day? What? Are you no.
I don't know.
I got to go to the bathroom again.
Okay, I just want to say a few words.
It takes a lot of guts to figure out what you want in life and go for it.
Hey, I'm running late.
I'm really proud of you, baby, so Wrap it up.
Let's have a big hand for overland park's hottest co-ed! - Whoo! Huh? - Come on.
Give me a kiss.
Let me, uh Hey, Phil, what's all this shit with the paladino property? Hey, mama.
SoI've been thinking a lot about my stuff lately, and I have a pretty good picture of what it is I want.
Hey, honey, seriously, sweetheart I really want to hear this.
I do.
But, um You look really cute.
I look like a goon.
Do I look like a goon? No.
You look fine.
I'm gonna go change.
Can you just pop these in there? Yes.
- Tara, it's 10 after 8:00.
- Hey, Ted.
Marshall, I'm not a morning person.
Can we please not? I was gonna do I look okay? The fact that you showered at all gives you unparalleled distinction.
I'm not fucking around.
Get the camera out of my face.
Okay.
Can't be late for school.
If I'm making a huge mistake, somebody has to tell me now.
Anybody? Anybody? Anybody? No? No.
Okay, here we go! Whaa! - Aaah! - Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Okay.
4:00.
Bye.
Neil.
Neil! Neil!! I'm hungry.
I'm glad you're here.
Yeah, I'm glad I'm here, too.
Let me ask you a dumb question.
Why didn't this Work out between us? You know, you and me? Neil, let's not Look, let look we obviously have chemistry, or we wouldn't be sharing sweatpants.
So, I mean, what is it? I mean, it am I just Am I not "the guy"? You're not "the guy.
" You're better than "the guy.
" Later, I've got art history in Granger hall.
Then I have to get all the way across campus for media and culture, but first, I've got ab.
Psych, which I'm a little freaked out about, 'cause I got a weird vibe from that Dr.
hattaras.
Take it from me if he was anybody worth fearing, he wouldn't be teaching here.
Look out! Whoa! Oh! Working here is like getting invited to a big buffet and being told I can do anything I want with the food, as long as I don't put it in my mouth.
Mm-mm-mmm.
Mmm.
I guess I should get to hattaras' class.
Do you want to walk me? Tara, you're gonna be fine.
Good luck.
Jesus Christ! Use your fucking head, you stupid hag! All right.
Let's settle in and start with the discourse, people.
I'm Dr.
shoshana schoenbaum.
Your beloved Dr.
hattaras is tending to a client in crisis, so I have the honor.
And you have the privilege.
Trust me you will be stimulated.
Okay.
You'd be good at it.
Hey, what's the deal, Larry? Huh? You want to take all my clients? Max You'll take everything I got? Settle down.
Settle down.
I busted my ass to build up my base.
Listen, just let me talk.
Some of these clients 10, 15 years.
Listen to me.
Let's let's for Christ's sake.
Now you want to steal my shit? Let's talk about this in my office! Fucking shitbird, Larry.
In my office.
It's this fucking economy, pal.
Nobody's safe.
Everybody's hurting.
All right.
We've known each other a long time, Max.
We got a lot of friends in common.
I'm gonna be real honest with you, buddy.
We're not poaching anybody.
Your clients are coming to us.
Bullshit.
Yeah? Who you want to call? Hmm? Van vereen? Mike paladino? Look, they don't have a beef with what you do.
Let's face it we're bigger.
We're cheaper.
Give me a goddamn drink.
All right.
Look, I'm sorry.
I no, no, no, no.
Don't apologize.
I like your fight.
Wish my guys had your balls.
Look, I got to piss like a mule, so I'm gonna cut to the quick here.
Come work with orgalawn.
Sell me your business.
I'll put some coin in your bank, make you a field manager up your pay, good benefits, steady work.
Think about it, Max.
So there's the paradox, yeah? If we enforce normality, we promote conventionality.
If we denigrate abnormality, we repress creativity.
And so we find ourselves collectively eschewing that which differentiates ourselves.
Ourselves, yeah? Go on.
I think one of us should take a seat.
Hang on! Wait! You were gonna teach us all how to collectively eschew ourselves.
All right, let's focus up here, okay? Everybody, listen up.
Hey, get everyone's attention, please.
- Hey, kids, hey.
- Eyes up here.
Hey, kids!! Look, I'm gonna start, so listen or don't.
Okay? Now, your first assignment you all are going to create a short film.
I'm going to split you up randomly into groups of four.
This isn't random.
He put all the gay kids in class in one group.
I'm not gay.
Kern is such an asshole.
He must think this is somehow progressive.
Maybe it just worked out this way.
Come on, Noah.
He's not seeing us as people.
He's just seeing us as three homosexuals.
Yeah.
And a kid in a halo brace.
Thank you.
I'm not in this class to make gay movies.
I just want to make good movies.
Hey.
I am, uh, expecting something extra-special from this group something deeper, more emotional, maybe a little, uh, razzmatazz, eh? And pathos.
Are we sure this is okay for you and the baby? Yeah, the doctor said it was totally fine.
She told me I should just keep doing whatever I normally do.
Oh, God.
No, don't leave me.
I'm done.
I'm done.
I tried to go deeper into the pose.
I nearly shit out my own heart.
I can't stop.
I got to do something.
I'm so fatAnd gross.
I haven't showered in days.
Oh, come here.
Come here.
No, no.
No.
You are not fat and gross.
I am! You are sexy and curvy.
No.
And your ass looks like it should be airbrushed onto the side of a van.
That's how hot you look, all right? And, hey, you know, if you're fat and gross, what does that make me? Like this? Yeah.
I don't want to shh.
Oh, my God! My eyes! Shit! I thought you said she was gone! She's supposed to be gone! Why aren't you gone?! I can't stop seeing it! I want to chop off my own head! Yech! If you could have seen everyone's faces.
Oh, I have seen those faces.
What do you think I should do? What do you want to do? I want to Polish off this wine and fall asleep in the washing machine.
But what I'm gonna do is strap one on and go tell hattaras the truth.
And whatever happens happens.
And that's what you should do with Neil.
You have got to tell him, Max.
If I can do it, you can do it.
Well, the difference is, you just need to brownnose a teacher, and I got to tell my best friend he's out of a job.
My granddad started that company.
How am I gonna get my mom to sign off on that? You haven't told her yet? No.
I haven't been out to see her in fuck, two years.
It's been good for our relationship.
This can't wait.
Words have not been invented yet to accurately describe the horror that I just saw.
What happened? Don't.
Don't.
Let's just do us all a favor and forget I said anything.
NowWe all know that I've been trying to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life.
SoYou're not gonna be an appellate court judge? Mom, please.
This company is called "teach abroad.
" And they send English-speaking people like me all over the world to teach our language.
Right now, they are hiring tutors for osaka, Japan.
So they'll find me a place to sleep, give me three squares a day.
All I got to do is get myself there.
I don't think so, honey.
What? Well, I'm sorry, Kate.
This just seems like one of those ideas that's really cool today and you won't even remember by Saturday.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
I-I'm gonna be making good money helping people, learning about other cultures hey, just dial it down a little bit.
She's completely narrow-minded! You guys would be happier if I was staying in fucking Kansas, gluing fucking sequins to fucking headbands? That's what you want for my life? When Kevin thorpe got into the peace corps, you couldn't stop raving about what an amazing experience it was gonna be for him.
What exactly is it that you're wanting here? Well, I've saved up some money for the plane, but I'm short 800 bucks.
I'll pay you back.
I don't think so, Kate.
I'm sorry.
I just think this is the type of decision you need to take some time with.
U-unreal.
I guess I just thought after putting up with all this craziness for so many years that you would have wanted me to do something meaningful with my life.
Ah, Ms.
Gregson.
Quite a tour de force yesterday.
I was dragged kicking and screaming into rehab for behavior less strange.
I have d.
I.
D.
Or m.
P.
D.
Or whatever you want to call it.
I didn't tell you because I fooled myself into believing it wouldn't be a problem.
Well, it was.
Four of my students dropped out of my class yesterday.
Another two asked to be transferred to Dr.
schoenbaum's.
I should have mentioned it sooner.
No.
No, I like surprises.
It was fun.
When were you diagnosed? Well, it's been a lifelong struggle, but, um, I wasn't diagnosed until well, that's why I dropped out of college the first time.
But I've been working on it.
And, yeah, sometimes stuff like this happens.
But mostly, I live a very functional life.
Yes, everything's just crackerjack, isn't it? You owe me.
A paper? Thank you.
Tara.
All right.
Isn't it weird how there's three gay kids in film class and only, like, 11 in the entire school? That we know of.
Still, compared to the straight kids, that's practically nothing.
Here's a fun question that won't end in a giant fight.
If the two of us didn't live in Kansas and lived in the city of, say, fairytown, homo-hio Would you and I still be together? I'm just asking Are we a couple because we love each other, or are we just at the mercy of simple math? I guess I don't see those things as mutually exclusive.
Oh-ho, shit! What is this, a bonus? It's, uh Not ex let's sit down, buddy.
Okay, doctor.
You can tell me.
You know, I can I can take it.
Is it an imbalance of the humors? I'm selling the company, Neil.
Sorry.
What? I'm selling four winds to orgalawn, and they're gonna bring me on as a field manager.
Uh, wait wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
If you're selling the the company, what happens to me? I tried to take you with me, buddy, but that's what the extra money is for.
$500? What the fuck am I supposed to do with $500?! I mean, Jesus, Max.
You couldn't give me a heads-up?! Well, it was a sudd I mean, I have a baby on the way.
What the fuck am I supposed to do now?! Come on, Neil.
You never wanted to be a landscaper.
Build a future and take care of your family.
What family?! Family?! I sleep on a couch! A-a-and without a job or money, what fucking good am I to Charmaine?! Jesus, this was this was the best week of my life.
You know? And you just fucked it up.
Thank you! Neil Let's begin, shall we? Unless, of course, anyone else plans on taking over my class.
No? Now, I thought today we might abandon the scheduled syllabus and instead skip ahead to chapter 23 in your books.
Dissociative identity disorder.
D I D.
Now, since your fellow student provided us with a superb show-and-tell last session, it seems only fitting we should follow her command performance with a discussion on psychology's most intriguing diagnosis d.
I.
D.
With your permission, of course.
Wonderful.
What if D.
I.
D Which, incidentally, is rarely diagnosed outside north America doesn't actually exist? Perhaps d.
I.
D.
Is nothing more than an excuse, a crutch that severely damaged people use to hide behind to avoid facing the reality of the pain they are feeling? Or Is it a performance they put on merely to get attention? And you did get our attention.
Now, if you have read my work and, please, don't patronize me you will know which side of the debate I sleep on.
But perhaps I'm wrong.
Maybe you have a different point of view on the subject, Ms.
Gregson.
No.
Come on.
Let's get our hands dirty, shall we? No? Shame.
Let us continue.
Okay, so remember, it's the late 19th century very prim and proper.
We're gentlemen of society.
Kern wants razzmatazz.
Let's give him razzmatazz.
Rory Roll camera.
Action! Mm.
Much appreciated, Cavanaugh.
Now, if it pleases you, go and draw my bath.
Good morrow, Mr.
macilvaney.
And to you, sir.
It hath come to my attention that you've had the audacity to besmirch my good name.
What say you? I say you are a fool and a charlatan.
And I say you are dead! N-o-o-o-o! I've checked every room.
We are completely alone.
Charmie.
Sh charmie? Charmie? Shh! Charm, listen.
Shh! I lost my job.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Max sold the company.
Okay.
He's moving on.
There wasn't any room for me.
What? Why didn't you Why didn't you tell me? I-I don't know.
I-I ju I you know, I was scared.
Of what? Of you.
You know, I thought you would kick me out 'cause you didn't want to be with a guy without a job.
I don't.
Who would? I mean, that's why you don't see a lot of pregnant women dating homeless people.
You got to start looking for something new.
Neil, I mean, what are we gonna do? I don't know, all right? God! Fucking Max! You know, u-up until Tuesday, everything was perfectly fine.
No, it wasn't.
You were a gardener.
- Whoa.
- Easy.
Well, I mean, you weren't planning on being a gardener your whole life, were you? No.
You know the other day, when you asked me why we didn't happen? Well, here it is.
Dr.
hattaras.
No time.
Running late.
I don't know what your point was today in class, but I told you what I told you in confidence Big signAnd I think what you did today was really inappropriate.
Bike rack.
Shit.
Uh, I signed up for your class because I want to be challenged, not used like some kind of scientific experiment.
You knew the syllabus.
You knew that we'd be discussing the disorder.
I didn't mean to embarrass you.
If you've taken offense, I'm quite happy to apologize.
Hot dog? Do you want a hot dog? Two hot dogs, please.
I don't want an apology.
What I want is to set some boundaries.
Boundaries? I'm not your therapist.
I'm your teacher.
Mustard, please.
All I do is open a dialogue and try and stimulate a little debate.
That's my job.
That's what we do here in college.
You know, if you can't handle this, maybe you shouldn't be here.
Hmm? Now, I really urge you To try one of these hot dogs.
They're very special.
How can someone with your expertise deny the existence of d.
I.
D.
? I mean, how do you explain the time loss and the switching and it's junk psychology, Tara.
It's just a way for victimized people to rationalize behaviors they'd rather not take responsibility for.
Hey, something happened to me.
Oh, unlike the rest of us, to whom nothing has ever happened.
And whether something happened or not, That is a completely different issue to this convenient notion of multiple personalities.
Hey, why don't you shove your big words up your ass and suck your own dick? Well, I've tried that, but yeah, I did it! Yeah, I kicked a hot dog! Oh, it's happening right in front of my very eyes.
What you lookin' at, shrunken apple tits? Stop gawkin' and check that tampon tail.
See you Monday, whoever you are.
Japan is made up of over 3,000 islands.
The people live longer there than anywhere else in the world.
And in the vending machines, they have a selection of used women's panties.
Mm.
Something you often want when you're buying some skittles.
I cannot believe that you sold Hubbard's deathmobile without any paperwork.
It's amazing what people will buy when you flash a little side boob.
You know what I like about you? Hmm? You don't get stuck.
You know, you just you put everything out there, and you don't worry about what comes next.
I worry a lot about Getting stuck.
Mm.
Sorry, moosh.
You've got to get stuck.
You're the glue.
I hate that I'm leaving and mom and dad aren't behind me especially mom.
You know, when she decided to go back to school, everyone was so supportive.
A-and you can just see on her face how fucking proud she is and how strong she feels.
I justWish that she would want the same for me.
You know? Why are you asking me? What am I, the fucking Buddha? Go talk to mom.
Aah! Oh, man.
Hey, look The other day Things got a little heated, and I Should not have torn up that check.
I'm listening.
Oh, that that's that's pretty much it.
I mean, INeed that money.
So if you could write another check That's it? UhYeah.
I mean, were you expecting an apology? No.
No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
You had every right to get upset.
Shitty situation.
What did I give you? $500, was it? You were expecting an apology.
No, I wasn't.
Oh, I'm gonna call bullshit.
You were expecting me to apologize to you.
Hey, buddy, you don't want to why the fuck would I apologize to you, all right? I mean I mean, you fired me.
I have a baby on the way.
Neil, you don't and and and now now now I'm in this shitty bowling alley, begging you for $500.
Hey, you know what? Okay.
Um I'm sorry that you had to sell your business and make a lot of money and that you got a new job.
How's that? What the fuck do you want from me? Neil, I've been carrying you for four years.
You Yeah, covering your ass so that you wouldn't have to grow up and take responsibility, like the rest of us.
What, do you think I like firing my best friend? Here's your 500 bucks.
Go fuck yourself.
We're through.
So you did want an apology! Thanks for the ride, astroglide! T.
What's up, sistah from another mistah? I've been hangin' with the j-dog, tweakin', jankin', givin' up stank for beer money.
Who's j-dog? I don't know.
Guy with a truck.
Okay, t, I got to talk to my mom.
Aw.
Katie wants her mommy.
What are you doing out, t? Did something bad happen to my mom today? Nothin' we can't handle.
Old donkey dick's trying to twist up her head.
Teach say I ain't real.
I'll show you what's real.
Payback time! T, simmer down.
Let go.
Do you have any idea where my father might be? I don't know.
He ain't my job.
Fine, bitch.
I don't need no shank.
I'll get myself a boom stick.
I gotta roll.
Where the fuck are the keys? Um, I don't think you should go anywhere, t.
You're completely wasted.
Who's gonna stop me? I am.
I don't want you doing anything that's going to get my mom in trouble.
Aw, kay-kay.
That's where you got it all wrong.
Momsy and I are working together.
She wants me to do this.
I don't think so.
Back off.
No.
Back the fuck off, bitch! No, t! Ow! T! Son of a bitch! T.
T! Fuck off! Don't get in that car! You fucking cu ohh! Don't fuck this up for my mother! She's put up with too much, and she's worked too hard! Get the fuck off me! If you fuck this up for her, you fuck this up for me, and I need her to do this! You hear me?! I need her to do this! Don't take this away from her! Don't take this away from us! Mommy? Yeah.
I'm here.
T punched me.
I know.
Japan? Japan.
Go.
* tell your mama that you'll come home soon * * tell your brother not to cry * * it's a long way across a Western plain * * 'neath a big country sky * * where are you? * * I am already gone * * where are you? * * I am already gone *