United States of Tara s03e08 Episode Script

Chicken 'n' Corn

Previously on "United States of Tara" Premature labor induced via volkswagen?! I don't know how you're gonna top that one, Tara.
I don't think I can trust you around my baby.
Why would you guys shit on a chance to ditch school and go to New York? It's not a monster movie.
It's not a dysfunctional family.
It's a love story.
Oh, so you're from Kansas.
Overland park, born and raised.
I'm sure you find ways to have fun.
Wouldn't you like to find out.
Hattaras dumped me.
The boy who thought he was a kite, the one from Jack's book? He, uh He jumped from a building with a string tied to his ankle.
I want you to deliver on your promise to her.
I can medicate it.
I can give it a few good years.
But the truth is, it is never gonna get any better.
You and your sister have a half brother.
His name was Bryce.
He had troubles.
Bryce craine? They call me "justice.
" Y-you got the wrong guy.
You ain't ditchin' that woman now.
Shit's goin' down she don't even know about.
What does "you will not win" mean? Oh, shit.
I been lookin', but he's still out there, and I got to find him before he finds her.
I'm in! They took my movie! You can't just they only accept 20 movies, and I got in! What if I was, you know I am going to NYC.
Oh, my God! Hey, what's all the racket? Tell your dad, moosh.
We're supposed to leave in, like, 20 minutes.
Dad that fucking baby of Charmaine's it shit all the way up its own back.
I don't even want to go to the pumpkin harvest.
I mean, the chiefs are playing today.
Our son got into the film festival.
Look at you.
Huh? I knew it.
Yeah! Our kid just might be a genius! The food's covered, and the hotel's pretty cheap, so, I mean, I can go, right? Oh, you got to go.
Oh, shit.
I can't go.
I've got my midterms coming up.
How about you? You got some time off work? Huh? Come on, dad.
We can hang out together, see some bands, skate in the park.
Will you take me? To New York? Yeah.
On a plane? Oh, Max, stop beating up on yourself.
I love my little bunny! Well, my heart wanted to win you that big, giant Teddy bear, but my arm throws like a brain-damaged girl.
Fucking awesome.
I finally get out of the house, and I'm lost in a corn maze.
I mean, how is it 80 fucking degrees? Is this fun to people? I mean, is anyone having fun? I am! It was rhetorical, stupid.
It just feels weird going without you.
There's no way your dad can come up with the money? You know my dad.
How do I ask him? Use words he can relate to.
Say, "dad, I need money so I can fly to Jew-topia and have butt sex with my filmmaker boyfriend.
" Yeah.
And by the time I get to the word "filmmaker," I'll be missing two teeth.
Go.
Be brilliant.
Win first prize.
Did you call Lionel? No, I, uh No.
I don't want to be a bad mother, but I get so lonely.
Sometimes I feel like I haven't talked to another adult in over a week.
Mm-hmm.
Is that any different from when Neil was around? I know it's impossible to believe, but one day, not too far from now, everything is gonna be so much easier.
And I swear to God Aah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Go away, monster! Go away! Tara, calm down! It Oh, fuck.
It's it's chicken.
You go that way.
Hey! Stop.
Let go of me.
Mrs.
Gregson? Oh, it hurts! It's okay.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
It's okay.
It's okay.
These things happen.
You get used to it after a while.
Help me up.
Wait cake? You sat in cake? It sounds like it should be funny, but it's not.
I think I was just lost.
And at the time, I wanted I mean, anything I say at the end of that sentence is going to be a lie.
I don't know what it is that I wanted.
Well, come on.
We all fuck up.
You know? Before I could legally drink, I was 20 grand in debt, raising a kid.
But I-I did I had a plan professional ultimate frisbee.
And before you ask, yes, it is a real thing, and no terrible way to get laid.
Why can't we live in the same city? Ah, because life, my dear, is not that neat.
Hey, y'all gonna use this chair? Mnh-mnh.
Mnh-mnh.
Actually, I have pre-boarding, so This was nice.
Yeah.
So, when do I get to see you next? Didn't you say you were gonna stop through St.
Louis? Yes, but I can't meet up anymore because my dad and my little brother are flying skykans to St.
Louis and then taking the red-eye to New York.
Uh, so you can't meet up with me or you don't want to? Too soon to meet the family? No! It's just well, meeting family is so scary.
And my family, in particular I get it.
You're embarrassed of me.
What is it, my glass eye or my cheap toupee? No.
Fine.
We'll meet up with them.
You've got to meet them eventually, right? Yep.
So, I will see you in St.
Louis, turdburger.
Mm.
Bye.
You worry too much.
Do I? Yeah.
I'm just so sick of all the postmortems.
You're right.
Let's talk about something else.
Hey, pumpkin harvest was fun.
Remember remember that crazy lady at the corn maze? Huh? Acted like a 5-year-old, rolling around, crying in the dirt? Wonder what's up with her.
Well, I think she was just scared.
Yeah? That's it? Nothing else going on? Nothing else is going on! - Okay.
Quit yelling.
- I just got to ask the tough questions.
Guess what.
Noah and I were looking through the festival schedule.
They're doing an entire evening of Max linder shorts, followed by a restored print of lumière's "la sortie de l'usine lumière à Lyon.
" Wow.
That's great.
You know, I have absolutely no problem with his sexual orientation, but this it really rubs me the wrong way.
I don't want to fly to New York.
I don't want to fly anywhere.
If God wanted us to fly, he wouldn't have invented spectacular crashing.
Well, you have to go.
You promised.
Can you hack it? Yes.
I'll be fine.
Oh, motherfucker! I'm I'm getting my pills.
But the seatbelt sign fuck the sign! Fuck your movie! Fuck this fucking plane! Oh, hey ho! Oh, Jesus! Fuck! Sir, calm down.
You're making the other passengers shit themselves.
Okay, then you tell that fucking pilot to quit hot-doggin' it.
Honey, I need my pills.
Please.
He stole a handful of mom's wacky tablets.
Well, if we get to St.
Louis and you're still feeling flipped out, we can always take a rain check on meeting no, no, no, no.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna meet your boyfriend.
I'm not backing out now.
I'm gonna be nice and warm and friendly and be high as a kite, but he's gonna love me.
Gimme.
I don't need him to love you.
I need him to think you're not a monkey's asshole.
Okay.
I'm, uh I'm really proud of her flight attendant.
It's now time for your skykans meal.
The Turkey sandwich is pretty good.
Jesus Christ.
It never ends.
I don't want to I don't want son dad, stop, okay? Let's talk about something else.
I don't know if I told you this yet, but our our film got scheduled to screen on Sunday, which is prime real estate.
And the panel is being led by Elvis Mitchell there's a lot of people on that planet on that planet Down there.
AndJust don't get your hopes up.
Don't get my hopes up? Yeah.
I just give me a second.
I need to talk to my lord.
In the name of the father, son, holy Oh, fuck me! Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
It's none of my concern.
I'm at the mercy of the elements.
I'm a vessel.
I have no control.
I'm inculpable.
Uhh, can we be done now? The wind's picking up.
Come on! You invaded my privacy.
Now, who are you? Why should I give a damn? Hello, doctor.
Well, greetings, yet another Tara-somebody.
Which one are you? Oh, don't tell me.
I'm keen to guess.
We've no time for your horseplay.
Tara's in a pickle.
Hello, Alice.
I don't know whether news has got back to 1961, but your host and I have cut the umbilical cord.
Oh, I've heard.
We're all aware.
The Professor's pity party is still in progress.
Then why did she bring you to me? Tara doesn't know I'm here.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is against the rules.
Oh, never mind that.
We're smack-dab in the middle of an emergency.
Emergency! What emergency? Chicken is missing.
She was playing in the cornfield, when something unspeakable happened to her.
She hasn't been spotted since.
Alice, I know this is difficult for someone as real as you to understand, but chicken doesn't exist.
She is imaginary.
She's obviously off in the gumdrop kingdom hanging out with her imaginary dragon friend, Mr.
fumes.
Are we imagining this? Pleased we finally have your attention.
Tara needs you.
We all need you.
So, what do you say you put on your little cowboy hat and get back in the saddle and be a good buckaroo? Who did this? I can't say.
I've already said too much.
All right, don't tell me.
I think I know who the culprit is.
I want you to listen to this.
I think I may know, and I want you to help me identify our mystery You will not win.
Okay, a few ground rules no taking out your phone to show pictures, and, please, for the love of God, no impressions.
Your Obama is dangerously close to Uncle Remus.
Oh, hey, honey, I will do everything in my power not to embarrass you.
Don't get your hopes up.
What? What's the matter with you? It's dad.
I know he's all freaked out about the plane and stuff, but why is it that in this family, the two of us always end up having to take care of our parents? I don't know.
Not my problem.
Suck it up.
- Hey! - Come over, come over, come over! Okay, come on! Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
Okay.
Uh, hello, gregsons.
Welcome to St.
Louis, gateway to the west.
The moundBig Lou I am working way too hard on behalf of St.
Louis.
Evan, this is my dad, Max.
Good afternoon, sir.
Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
He's taken the panic 'n' pill approach to flying.
And this is myFun and happy brother, Marshall.
Marshall.
Hi.
It just dawned on me.
Kate didn't told me how old you were, so I bought you a toy truck.
Boy, my hands are really gonna be full, what with this giant lollipop and balloon I'm holding.
Ah, yeah.
I'm sorry about that.
It's okay I got big pockets in this adorable little sailor outfit.
Oh, Marshall.
Tara? Tara, where have you been? I've been calling you all morning.
I must have conked out.
What time is it? What's up? Yeah, I was wondering you know, with Neil gone, I am just so behind on so many things.
I got to get to the bank, I'm late renewing my license, and they're gonna turn off my fucking gas if I don't pay my bill.
Is there any way That I'd watch wheels? Hells yeah.
You cool with that? Yeah.
I'm beyond desperate.
Oh, and it would be good for the two of you to have a little bonding time.
Yeah, give me the baby.
Give me the baby.
Okay.
You're a lifesaver.
I am eternally grateful.
All right, don't hold her like that.
JustWatch her head.
Watch her head.
You're the best.
Well, I'm glad this worked out.
I missed you.
Oh, how could you not? I'm adorable.
I am a ninja! Oh, this is my s oh! Fuck! My back! Monty! Get off of Mr.
Gregson.
Monty! Oh, I finally get to meet monty.
What's he doing here? Uh, something came up with my ex, so monty's coming to Nashville.
I-I hope that's okay.
Of course.
Hey, monty.
It's so nice to meet you.
I'm Kate.
You're not my mommy! Well, I must say, the last thing I expected was you opening the door, holding a little old man in a pink hat.
This is my sister's baby.
And she is not Entirely Whatever.
What are you doing here? We have an agreement.
I know.
We did have an agreement.
Um But then it seems there's been a slight turning of the screw.
Could I come in? You're making her cry.
Make it quick.
I have things to do.
I have things to do, too, you know lying around, feeling sorry for myself.
Then your friend Alice came a-knocking.
No recollection? She said chicken has gone missing something about a kerfuffle in a cornfield.
You really don't remember this? No.
You don't even believe in thisShit.
I don't know what I believe anymore.
What do you want from me? I mean, two weeks ago, you slammed the door in my face and said we were through.
Show me your arm.
What? Your arm.
Alice showed me.
I know you're cutting yourself.
Look, something inside you, Tara, must trust me in some way.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have dragged me back into this scrum.
I think we should sit down, have a little chat, find out what's going on.
Okay.
I got to put the baby down.
Okay.
Oh, sweetheart.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Tara? Tara? You're a mother, right? So, you understand.
And when a baby comes into your life, everything changes.
You lose your whole life, right? Oh, I need this.
I mean, my sister's a little loopy, you know, but she's better.
I mean, she says she's better, so I have to believe she's better.
It's gonna be fine.
Right? Yeah, I'm sure it's fine.
I'm relaxing and taking the day to myself.
It's the right thing to do.
Don't you think so Carol? "Carol"? Come on.
Your name's not Carol.
Oh, my God.
What am I doing here? This is wrong.
This is so, so wrong.
And selfish! Oh! Okay, Carol, I got to go.
Okay, I-I'm going.
So, um, could you just get me my flip-flops? God, what the fuck am I doing here?! I shit.
Okay, that is not my fault.
I am not paying for that.
You need to be more careful, Carol.
Oh, God! You're making a big mistake.
She doesn't know what I'm saying.
She's Chinese.
I'm not talking about the way you're treating her.
I'm talking about how you're treating you.
As a mother of three, I've learned you really can't take care of your kids until you take care of yourself.
It's not selfish.
It's the truth.
I'm Abby.
Charmaine.
Mm.
New mommy.
I can smell it on you.
Yeah.
Uh, pretty recently, actually.
And, um, you know, I'm doing it all alone right now, so I'm just a total mess.
You know, IMiss my man.
And I want to be a good mom.
And I feel ugly and alone.
And I don't know.
My world is just falling apart.
And I just thought if I had one fucking afternoon to myself to feel pretty and to have fun, but I just miss my baby.
I got to go apologize to Carol.
I'm sorry.
No.
Carol's the worst.
She gave me a staph infection in my toes last year.
Try Judy.
Look, I love my kids, and I'm pretty sure I'm a good mother, but if you don't want to end up hanging from an extension cord tied to a rafter in the pantry while your toddler is poking at your toes true story sit back down and have another cocktail.
That's an order.
Carol, would you mind seeing if Judy over there is available? And I'll take another Martini.
Tell me the baby's safe.
The baby's safe.
What happened? Where are you? Oh, I don't know.
WellFind out.
Mon monty! Monty! Monty.
Monty.
Monty.
Monty.
Monty.
Monty.
Mon monty.
Monty.
Okay.
Well, sorry.
He'll be down in a minute.
Uh, so, anyway, what were you say uh, landscaping, huh? Yeah, you know, I've, uh monty! Come down here! Nature andTrees.
Hey, honey, we got to we got to go.
Oh, okay.
Monty You have the coolest dad in the entire world.
You know that? I think he's pretty awesome.
I know.
But guess what.
What? I hate you.
Okay, I'm gonna walk them out.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah.
Evan Oh, Max.
Pleasure.
Nice meeting you.
Marshall, thanks so much for playing with monty.
You're gonna make a hell of a father someday.
Mm.
Did you tell him anything about me? What? You'll adopt.
Gays have babies.
Need help with that bag, marsh? I'll take care of it myself.
Okay, so, what do you think? I really like Evan, but that kid Oh, that kid's a handful.
I don't know if I'm ready for that.
What do you think? What am I gonna tell you, Katie Kate? I can't even get on an airplane without kicking and screaming like a baby.
You're fearless.
You get on airplanes all the time.
You were this close to living in Japan.
You're all grown up, little girl.
You don't need advice from me.
I love you.
Have a great flight.
Monty! Monty! Aaah! Hi.
Get the fuck out of here.
No, I-I-I'm with Tara.
You picked the wrong house.
I'm with your sister.
I'm with Tara.
My husband is in the mob.
He has got a license to kill.
I'm with your sister.
I'm with the cops are right outside!! God, you're gonna wake the baby.
Who who is this man? That's my Professor, Dr.
hattaras, the man I'm working with.
Your husband's in the mob and you arrive with the police? That's impressive.
What is he doing in my house? Well, we we had work to do.
And Tara was putting the baby down for a snooze.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
What kind of work, sister? Oh, God, charm.
You can't be are you come on.
Don't bullshit a bullshitter.
Husband hasn't been gone for more than a day.
Oh, you are way off base on this.
I mean, don't even did you get your hair done? What? No.
What is that look? This is not a new outfit.
It was in the trunk of my car.
I bought it, like, a month ago.
And I did my nails this morning.
I mean, God, stop judging me! It's good.
It's, uh, hippie-stripper-biker Woman.
How was wheels? Sh uh An angel.
The baby the baby slept like a baby.
A baby.
So, we should go.
We've got a lot of, uh, work to do, so Very nice to meet you.
What's going on.
I'm oh, whatever.
Police outside is that real? 'Cause You got to help me.
I don't know what's happening to me.
All right, I ask you again why did you take the baby? Oh, I don't know.
All right, who took the baby, Tara? Oh, stop asking me that! I don't look, you may not feel like it, but the answers are inside you.
I need you to let me in, because I have to understand you.
It's the only way we can put it all together and find out exactly what is going on.
Oh, I feel like I'm coming apart.
The contract is I'm losing pieces.
It's like chicken? What happened to chicken? I don't know where she is anymore.
I can't feel her.
There's just space where she used to be.
It'sCold.
Is it possible whoever took the baby was the one that hurt chicken? I guess.
I mean, I don't when did you last feel chicken? In the cornfield.
Take me there.
To all our passengers, we'd like to welcome you A priest.
That helps.
To New York City.
Wait.
He he wants to go to heaven.
I'm not talking to you.
What? You owe me an apology.
For what? What'd I do? You said, "don't get your hopes up.
" Why would you say that to your own kid? I'm completely out of my mind today.
I don't know what I'm saying.
All this flying shit yeah, I know you're afraid of flying.
Big deal.
Lots of people are afraid of flying.
It doesn't give you an excuse to act like a total dick.
This is the most important thing I've ever done.
I asked you to come because I thought we'd have a good time together.
I thought you'd want to share this experience with me.
I-I didn't think I'd have to take care of you the entire time.
That's not my job.
I'm not the family nanny.
I'm just I'm fried.
Between your mom and work and your sister and that thing with that guy and that kid? And you you're growing up on me, and I I'm doing it again.
I-I'm sorry.
You have no idea how proud I am.
Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff.
Oh, fuck.
Okay.
It's gonna be okay.
Thank you, son.
Dad.
Calm down, calm down.
No.
Okay, no.
No.
I take it back.
Is this legal? I mean, is this breaking and entering? I didn't see any signs, so let's assume it's legal.
The interesting question is, is it ethical? Okay.
Is it ethical? It's in a fuzzy area between ethical and radical.
We can go back.
No.
Then we go on.
As we do, now, thoughts and feelings are gonna pop into your head.
Let them out vocalize them, if you can, no matter how small or silly, inconsequential they may seem.
Okay.
I feel like we should have brought flashlights.
And these shoes are not as comfortable as I thought they would be.
That song is not about Warren beatty.
Yeah, not all thoughts.
Look, Alice said chicken suffered unspeakable things in this maze.
Any thoughts resonating on that? Well, I'm not really getting a clear picture.
There there are feelings, you know? Like fragments.
UhTaste of earth.
Smell of sweat.
Games.
Those things resonate anything from your childhood? Shh.
Do you hear that? What do you hear, Tara? It's chicken.
She's screaming.
He's got her! Chicken! Tara! Tara! Chicken! Oh, no, no, no, no.
Oh, God.
Tara! Tara? She's dead.
He killed her.
Chicken is dead.
Who killed her? I killed her.
And who are you? Oh, you know me.
I'm Bryce craine.
Strange.
I thought you'd be smarter.
Why did you kill chicken, Bryce? Clearly you haven't spent much time with chicken.
Are you the one that's been cutting Tara? Got a car? Yes.
Sweet.
Why? Going somewhere? I need you to take me to Tara.
Tara? Why Tara? Because I'm going to kill her.
Coming? * I've been waitin' * * waitin' and wishin' * * wishin' and hopin' * * hopin' you'll come alive for me tonight, babe * * ohh, God, come alive * * but I don't wanna talk about it * * so just be about it * * 'cause ain't no love like a love like this * * 'cause a love don't exist when a boy wanna play so * * whoa, whoa-oh * * whoa, whoa-oh * * whoa, whoa-oh * * whoa, whoa-oh * * whoa, whoa-oh * * whoa, oh, God, come on * * 'cause ain't no love like a love like this * * 'cause a love don't exist when a boy wanna play so *