UnREAL (2015) s04e01 Episode Script

All In

1 GRAHAM: Welcome to "Everlasting"! Let's go, people! I want nudity, 911 calls.
I need an episode.
Get me something I can use.
You're pumping toxic sludge into the minds of young women.
I want to talk about you and me.
The only thing that matters is us.
You and I can be together for real.
I don't want that.
SIMON: She's clearly had way too much to drink.
She wanted it, mate.
You are not built to be number two to some mediocre white dude.
You can be number one.
I can do that for you.
"Passport to Dance.
" Alexi's gonna host it.
It's our very own "Everlasting" date.
We have a deal.
I suck you.
You bring me coke.
This is disgusting.
I guess this is goodbye.
I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'd rather be alone forever.
And I think you're gonna be alone forever, too.
I think that's best for everyone.
This is one for the ages Here's a little truth bomb for you.
The women I tend to meet on Bumble look a lot worse than their profile pics not much, much better.
Here's to the real thing.
[CHUCKLES] - You're sweet.
- [GLASSES CLINK] So, either you just signed up or I've tragically been missing you.
No, I'm fresh meat.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, it's been a really, um a really fun and illuminating month.
I realized I hadn't been on an actual date in, like, forever [SCOFFS] because I work like a crazy person.
Well, what do you do that keeps you so busy? Have you ever heard of a show called "Everlasting"? Seriously? Yeah, I love that show.
[CLANK] Welcome to "Everlasting" after hours.
The control room's back there.
The contestants' bedrooms are right up those stairs.
And the suitor's suite is right off the courtyard.
This is unbelievable.
You are unbelievable.
And the tour's just getting started.
No one holds me the way that you do So, we start shooting the next season tomorrow night, which means things are really gonna heat up around here.
So, I got to ask is all the sex and romance real, or do you manufacture it? I can make anything real.
You're gonna go in? Okay You gotta hurry up! [LAUGHING] Yeah.
There's still something I just don't get.
How the hell are you still single? [CAR DOOR CLOSES] [INDISTINCT TALKING] - MITCHELL: I'll text you later.
- RACHEL: Yeah, okay.
It was good.
Still at it, huh? Trying to fill that dark wound of your soul, only now as a blonde! Wow.
What is this? Contestant Rachel? Oh, and who is behind the tinted glass? German-car-leasing, douchebag producer Jay! Nice to meet you.
Oh, honestly, Rachel, I envy you so much, having only one show to produce.
"Passport to Dance.
" How's that going with the ex-boy toy, Alexi? - JAY: He's still in rehab.
- RACHEL: No shit.
Desperately needed.
Yeah, I'm just glad I didn't have to prep this crazy-ass season.
I cannot believe Quinn just let you run with it.
Totally fine.
We've got this thing under control.
Who's "we"? Uh, a new producer smart, young, hot.
- RACHEL: Don't be jealous or worried.
- JAY: [SCOFFS] Oh, please.
- RACHEL: But you should be.
- DAN: Hey, Jay.
- JAY: Nah, I'm not.
- DAN: Jay.
- RACHEL: Yeah.
- DAN: Hi.
You look, um - DAN: I should have called.
- RACHEL: Probably.
Uh, Quinn and Chet's car just hit the gate.
They're coming in really hot right now.
Okay, cool.
So, you 5s handle the welcome wagon.
This 10's got two shows to produce.
5? I'm, like, a 7.
Come on.
- RACHEL: Here we go.
- DAN: Better get this.
- DAN: Hi, Quinn.
Welcome back.
- QUINN: Hi, Dan! Welcome ashore! Holy shit! What did you do to your hair? Uh, I got highlights.
You look great.
You look like a - a woman.
- [LAUGHS] For like an hour, I've had to the bathroom.
I got to drain the main vein.
Excuse me.
[QUINN LAUGHS] áHola! Rachel! Ah! Uh, why are the guys here so early? Why the hell are we not shooting this? Uh, well, it was all in the new season pitch pages that I e-mailed you while you were away and not responding.
Wow! So, I'm back 30 seconds, and you're already up my ass.
My little lamb chop.
You look bellisima.
Oh, boy.
You know this shit doesn't work with me.
- RODRIGO: Quinn.
- QUINN: Hi.
How's it going? - RODRIGO: And the mansion of bullshit.
- QUINN: That's right.
Ah, it's all starting to come back.
I broke a lot of hearts here.
God forgive me.
Kind of chose the wrong girl.
What was I thinking? Okay, all right, all right.
You guys want to get a room or just go bang in the pool? It's heated.
- DAN: Yeah.
- RACHEL: Can I introduce you to Rodrigo? - RODRIGO: Hola.
ÿComo estas? - RACHEL: There you go.
- DAN: Hey.
- QUINN: Uh, Rachel? Yes.
You brought back August? I told you that.
Did you open your e-mails? Service was spotty.
Okay? - Okay.
- I was on a giant ship.
Okay, well, it's called "Everlasting All-Stars.
" And, yes, like it or not, you boned an All-Star.
Wow! You're just gonna go there.
All right.
I'm gonna go and, uh, check on Chet's vein.
[CHUCKLES] - RACHEL: Hi, there, August.
- AUGUST: Rachel.
Couldn't be a season of "Everlasting All-Stars" without you I'm just saying.
You should probably save your imitation charm for someone who doesn't know you as well as I do.
- RACHEL: Oh! - AUGUST: I mean, what, did you think I forgot the mountain of shit that you dumped on me last season? Well, I know how the game's played now, and with $1 million at stake, I'm here to win.
- See ya.
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES] Welcome, stunning single ladies, to the Wild, Wild West version of "Everlasting" our very first "Everlasting All-Stars," where couples will pair up each week, and it'll be you, America, that'll cast your final vote.
I got to tell you, it won't be easy getting there, because we will have an Elimination Ceremony in each episode and a wild, wild challenge.
Are we ready for our first challenge of the season? Seriously? I mean, challenge shows are like the hairy armpit of reality television.
- [DOOR CLOSES] - TOMMY: Rachel said you weren't a fan, but with the kick-ass ratings we're about to bring in, I bet I can change your mind.
Oh, look another man who thinks he knows what I want.
This ought to be good.
Tommy Castelli.
Real excited to show you what we got.
RACHEL: Tommy's the new producer and game designer I e-mailed you about, Quinn.
Hi Tommy.
I finally get to meet the woman who took every little girl's fear of being alone and and turned it into a billion-dollar empire.
You built this show on sweat and tears.
Let me add a little blood.
You'll see.
All right, ladies, are you ready? - [CHEERING] - Excellent.
Okay, all you have to do, ladies, is walk over this Bridge of Love to our wonderful Cocktail Party of Lubrication.
QUINN: Yeah, all they have to do is walk across a bridge? I know these girls are stupid, but Okay, well, that's not what this is.
Trust us.
Pause, have yourself a twirl, show our studs how sizzling you are Why are they dressed like "50 Shades" rejects? Do you want to just call "Cut" and I can explain it all to you? I mean, we can maybe do a little show-and-tell, or I don't know, maybe we should just find those e-mails.
Ooh! Attitude! Okay, first up is Maya, who's our steamy sommelier from Season 13.
Maya? You think she's an All-Star? After what happened with her and Adam's douchebag friend? I think Maya can become an All-Star.
[CHUCKLES] Very nice.
What is with all the tablets? - RACHEL: Well, Quinn - QUINN: You know what? If you say "e-mails" one more time, I'm gonna shove his shit board down your throat.
Good job, Maya.
[CLAPS] Gentlemen, next up is Naomi, who came to us from Amish Country back in Season 12, gentlemen.
Finally, something I recognize Amish sluts are story gold.
- [CLICK] - [SCREAMS] Whoa! What the hell was that?! Just keep watching.
- Oh, my God.
- Naomi, you okay? Not Amish Country, is it? - [CONTESTANTS MURMURING] - Thankfully, you can swim.
All right.
Ladies, welcome to "Hump or Dump.
" Our gentlemen will obviously vote "Hump" if they see a potential relationship with you and "Dump," well, we've all been there before - some more than others.
- That's the challenge? Women walk across a bridge to get judged by their looks? - Exactly.
- Next up is Noelle! I'm sorry.
Where is the story? Where are the interviews? I don't even know what's happening on my own show.
Okay, well, you told me to take care of it, and I did.
Tommy and I, we are taking your show to the next level.
Take a look.
Okay, next up Teresa! See how you did.
- [CLICK] - Oh! Ooh! [LAUGHING] Ohh! Teresa! How are you down there? - Bonita! - [CLICK] Lovely Skye.
Oh, yes.
This is Kennedy, everybody.
- [CLICK] - [LAUGHTER] - Down goes Kennedy! - [CLICK, SPLASH] - Ooh! Another ones bites - [CLICK] - the dust.
- [CLICK] Is that sewage? It's competition mud mixed with tar.
Circuses use it all the time.
Okay, there's one chance to still survive.
All you got to do is swim to shore, and whoever is first will be un-dumped, okay? Ready? 3 2 1.
Swim! Go! [CHEERING] Go! Go! Go! Go! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] Aah! Whoo! [SHOUTING CONTINUES] [CHEERING] Good work! Nice work! [CHEERING] She had some fire in her.
[LAUGHS] RACHEL: See? Instead of one woman freaking out by the end of the episode, I have nine before the first commercial break.
This is the most sexist, misogynistic bullshit we have ever done.
[LAUGHING] And I love it.
It's so dark! It's so demented! It's like I'm scared, I'm disgusted, I'm turned on.
What do I do? [LAUGHS] So I guess the hair is not the only thing that's new.
And you have nothing, not even a trace of feminist guilt nowhere.
I just got tired of hearing myself talk.
You know, I thought a lot about what you said.
It's the reason I came back here.
I don't know.
I'm all-in, Quinn.
I am "Everlasting.
" Boom! That "Hump or Dump" was barbaric.
I think Cindy actually dislocated her shoulder.
It was hanging off her.
Screw Cindy.
I hope they have to cut the whole thing off.
That's Sofia? Was it too much? Nope.
That was perfect.
Wasn't she our nauseatingly sweet kindergarten teacher? Turned aspiring bitch.
She learned a thing or two on the promotional circuit.
Smart girl.
Madison works at the network now.
Be nice.
[MUSIC PLAYS] GRAHAM: Lovely lady All-Stars.
It's nice to see you've all survived your traumatic challenge.
Some, of course, more gracefully than others.
But the power has shifted, 'cause it's Ladies' Choice tonight in the Elimination Ceremony, and I ask you ladies if you're interested in getting to know and meet your All-Star suitors, whose "Everlasting" lives are in the palms of your hands.
[CHEERING] Ooh! I can't wait! Let's see what you got, Rachel.
It feels like Christmas.
Here we go.
First up is Rodrigo! Rodrigo is an international soccer star who was with us on Season 10, and when he takes that mask off There ya go! Look at that face and the body to match.
Rodrigo, ladies and gentlemen.
Noelle, if my memory serves me right, you guys had quite a fevered history.
- Oh, yes, they did.
- 'Cause you were runner-up that season, right? Looking forward to what happens this year.
Next up is Dr.
Jack from Season 5 and Season 8 QUINN: Ugh.
Sweetheart Jack.
Everybody loves that guy.
I mean, I get it.
Fine, he's hot.
I just want to, like, choke the nice out of him.
All right, easy.
Watch this.
Uh, Camera B, can we go tight on Maya now? Next up English financier who came to us in Season 13, ladies, but not as a contestant, but as the best mate for our suitor that year.
Welcome back, Roger.
Good to have you here.
Holy crap.
That's why you brought Maya back.
It's a great story that we should have leaned into, but I totally pussied out.
Seriously, Rachel? Did the chemicals from the highlights leak into your soul? He full-on frat-boy-date-raped her.
MADISON: This is exactly what I wanted to talk about.
Are we really gonna use the "R" word? It's called rape, Madison.
Just say it.
The network isn't comfortable with the "R" of it all.
I I mean if they knew which they don't, and I won't say anything.
Well, good for you, Madison.
There's no footage of what happened, right? So there's no reason to go back to that story.
And, Rachel, you of all people obviously are not gonna be going into this this season, right? Rachel? [APPLAUSE] Hey.
Long time, no see.
How you doing? I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
- We got a runner.
- Oh.
I'm on it.
- SOFIA: What's her problem? - ROGER: W we, uh We kind of hooked up when I was on the show.
- ROGER: We were both hammered.
- SOFIA: Oh.
She's probably just pissed off 'cause I never called her.
That's what he's saying happened? This is crazy.
I know.
But, uh, you know, I think she's amazing.
Hey, Madison, I totally hear ya, and I'll keep an eye on it.
I promise.
- MADISON: Thank you.
- TOMMY: Yeah.
And listen.
I got to see a sneak cut of "Hashtag Adulting.
" It's groundbreaking.
"Friends" meets "Real Housewives.
" Right? Nobody gets it.
Thank you.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, uh, Chris, turn Maya's mic up.
Turn it up.
MAYA: What were you thinking, to just spring him on me like that?! RACHEL: Look, I understand why you're upset, but if I told you ahead of time, you never would have shown up here.
MAYA: Of course not! Look, your life's been on hold since you left here.
You lost your job, you've moved in with your mom Yeah, and you told me it was all gonna change once I got here, that I would meet a man who would love me, that I would get everything that I deserve.
Not until you face the man who assaulted you.
You need to get your power back and expose him for who he really is.
You have no idea what I've been through.
I know exactly what you've been through.
Except I was 12 when it happened.
So, look, I know how important it is to pull yourself out of that hole.
And I really believe that you can do it.
I'll be with you every step of the way.
I am not gonna let that son of a bitch near you.
[DOOR OPENS] one drink? Just, like Nice work.
You called it.
You got her to stay after, what, five minutes? - She really trusts you.
- Okay.
Sounds great.
I want Roger and Maya locked in a room together by episode 4.
- JAY: What? - MADISON: Rachel! Fasten your seat belt, Maddy.
It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
- BARTENDER: Vodka rocks? - QUINN: Ahh.
Actually, do you know how to make a mai tai? Of course.
Oh, well, you got to go the full Trader Vic's.
Add a dash of orgeat.
I can make you a batch if you got any almonds in this joint.
So, I see you have come back to whore yourself out for another season.
Look, I'm here for my brand.
My hammock company, it's really taking off.
Yeah, I'm sure you are giving all your profits to some aboriginal tribe.
Do they have Venmo in the Outback? [CHUCKLES] No, not really, Quinn.
Look, I'm a professional, and you're a professional.
- AUGUST: Let's just do our jobs.
Oh, and, Quinn? Try and keep your pussy in your pants.
Wow! Wow! Why don't you keep your dick in your pants? Don't tell me what to do with my pussy.
- BARTENDER [CHUCKLES]: He missed you.
- QUINN: Ugh.
[FIONA LAUGHS] Oh, my God! Rachel! You look like a Barbie Doll.
[SIGHS] Vacation's over.
Ah, Fiona! I, uh I had no idea you were here.
Welcome back, Quinn.
Nice tan.
- Uh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
We're having a great start tonight.
We did this whole "Hump or Dump" thing, and I think you're really gonna love it.
Yeah, I did love it when Rachel and Tommy pitched it to me last month, along with all the other challenges they have planned for the season.
I wouldn't have agreed to this new format or added a million dollars to the budget for that grand prize otherwise.
Of course.
[CHUCKLES] I mean, it's lowest common denominator, base shit, but it'll play like gangbusters in your demo.
Can we talk? Alone? FIONA: Uh [SCOFFS] what the hell is happening here? [LAUGHS] Chet is making a "throne room" for us.
[CHUCKLES] All right.
That sounded more normal on the yacht.
I'll bet.
- QUINN: Listen, I know that I have been out of town.
- FIONA: Mm-hmm.
But I have had my fingers in this the whole time.
[CHUCKLES] I don't think you have.
And that's fine.
You know, I get it.
You're back with Chet, and he has a different way of doing things.
- [CHUCKLES] - Cash the checks, let other people do the heavy lifting.
[CHUCKLES] But you know that's not who I am.
I'm not like that.
It's not who you were.
Well, maybe it's time to let the next generation take the wheel.
Go have a life.
We can reduce you to consulting producer.
[SCOFFS] Oh, I am not done.
Chet and I have tons of ideas.
We were actually working on that boat.
Designing a throne room.
You'll see.
I know exactly how to take things to the next level.
'Cause that million-dollar prize has got to come from somewhere, and you ain't cheap.
So either drive this boat or get the hell off it.
Okay, so, we good? Are we rolling? I'm really excited to meet you, Jack.
Both your seasons were before my time, but, I mean, I obviously know who you are.
You're kind of I mean, you're kind of famous.
You're kind of like a big deal in the "Everlasting" universe.
- Hoping third time's the charm.
- [LAUGHS] MAN: Rolling.
TOMMY: I got to say, Noelle, it's kind of blowing my mind to meet you.
My friends and I were obsessed with you last time you were on.
Oh! That's very sweet of you and your friends.
But is it is it rough being back? How do you feel? I mean, let's just say it as it is.
Rodrigo rejected you on national television in front of the whole country.
- TOMMY: How does that feel? - NOELLE: Rodrigo made another choice, but he and Stephanie are no longer together, so we'll see what happens.
You want to know who I think would be really great for you? - Naomi.
- [LAUGHS] The Amish girl? Isn't she here as a joke? Everyone was rooting for you.
I mean, we all thought you were the one.
You seemed so confident.
I was confident, Tommy.
And I still am.
I just I just have to be the best version of myself and only focus on the things I can control.
Can I tell you something? It's, like, kind of personal, okay? Sure.
You are the reason that I worked on this show.
- JACK [LAUGHS]: Yeah, right.
Come on.
- RACHEL: Now, don't laugh! I started watching.
I was a fan, right? And I just remember watching the show and looking at you and wondering if I would ever meet anybody as wonderful as you.
I mean, you save babies, so I'm a pediatrician.
You're Sweetheart Jack.
I do kind of feel bad for Naomi.
See? America's gonna love you.
I promise.
I mean, the fear of another humiliating rejection could just ruin you.
- NOELLE: I don't let my mind go there.
- TOMMY: You don't let it go where? To that one moment when you thought all your dreams were about to come true? You were so close, and then And then I was blindsided! Okay? A bumbling mess, trapped in the back of a limo doing the loser interview.
But I'm sure as shit not gonna let that happen again.
Rodrigo is mine, and I'm not gonna let any one of these girls get in my way.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna begin our Elimination Ceremony.
We'll be doing touch-ups out on the amphitheater, so No, we're we're not making our picks until we check out the merchandise fully.
Okay, well, I definitely get that.
The boys got to judge a friggin' chick parade earlier, so now the chicks want to see the cocks walk.
And this is the problem, Goldberg.
These All-Stars think they can produce themselves.
Oh, come on.
Rodrigo will show his beautiful merchandise.
- [CHEERING] - Let's go RODRIGO: Huh, ladies? Pueden mirar y tocar.
WOMAN: Yeah! Hump? Hump? Hump? Hump? Hump? WOMEN: Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump! All right, ladies.
Rodrigo's had enough fun over there.
How about I give you a little peek of these goods - from Down Under? - WOMAN: Oh, yeah, baby! Yeah! ROGER: No, no.
Nice try, mate.
All right, ladies, you want to see something impressive? For Her Majesty, the Queen! [CHEERING] Where you at? Who you with? And where you from? Let's go! He is the last person on this show who should be taking off his clothes.
I know.
Just try to relax.
Have a drink.
It's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be fine.
[CHEERING] Don't stop WOMEN: Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump! Put your balls back in your pants.
Holy shit.
Great news, everyone! Alexi and Candi are joining the show, effective now.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God! How much did you guys shell out for this place? In Miami, this would cost like $15 mil, easy, but the humidity makes you want to strangle yourself.
Who are you? Candi.
This is so important to see you again.
August! My brother! Oh, my God.
Alexi's supposed to be in rehab for another 12 days and then start filming "Passport to Dance.
" And yet, here he is.
Jay, this is good for us, okay? Cross-promotion.
Hello! All right? Get them into hair and makeup.
This is happening.
All right, let me talk to her.
- RACHEL: I don't want him here any more than you do.
- TOMMY: Hey, wait! CHET: Can you believe how brilliant of my little queen to come up with these two game-changers? Oh, is that what you're calling Candi's tits? I mean, like, who is she? She some 12-step bimbo that Alexi met in rehab, or is that what they're calling sober buddies these days? Candi happens to be the star of our new series, "Stripper Queens," okay? "Stripper Queens"?! Are you kidding me? That stupid-ass reality show that Chet's been trying to get you to do for years? Well, he finally convinced me, and he was right.
Candi Coco is a single working mom, Rachel.
- QUINN: That's right up your alley.
- RACHEL: Oh, God! You've actually become Chet! [LAUGHS] I mean, you're dropping these stupid-sized bombs at the last second with no regard for how disruptive they'll be.
Well, I certainly hope they'll be disruptive.
That's the whole point.
CHET: See, we're revolutionaries.
That's how we roll.
You're such an annoying human being.
I can't stand you! You guys cannot drop this random stripper/mom into the middle of "Everlasting All-Stars.
" I mean, it's All-Stars! That's the whole point! You're right.
We're gonna have to hide the ball - QUINN: on the whole stripper thing.
- CHET: Come up with a cover story.
Yeah, we'll save the big reveal for Sweeps.
- CHET: Look at us, spitballing.
- RACHEL: I'm also talking about Alexi.
I mean, the guy has his own show.
He is not a part of this plan.
Why not? He's delicious.
You know that better than anyone.
- CHET: Ooh-ooh-ooh! - RACHEL: Oh, my God.
TOMMY: Wait, Quinn, listen.
It's a numbers issue.
Every challenge in Elimination has been calibrated.
You had two contestants, you mess with the matrix.
Oh! So it's a numbers issue? Why didn't you say so? All right, kids, let's go.
We're up.
- GRAHAM: Hello, America.
Welcome - QUINN: All right, Graham.
Stand down.
Get off the stage.
Good evening, All-Stars! You are in for a treat! We have two slam-dunk first-round picks who previously were unavailable who are now here and ready to get in the game! I mean, who could forget Alexi, one of last season's favorites, and not to mention the star of the upcoming ratings juggernaut "Passport to Dance"? And I would like to introduce you to Candi Coco, [LAUGHS] who is not an All-Star, but is a residential real estate broker from Miami [MURMURING] who also happens to be the world's greatest "Everlasting" superfan, which means she loves all of you gorgeous people.
But here's the deal In order to make room for these superstars, we're gonna have to get rid of two of you.
So maybe, like, um Daniel, who has an unfortunate history with the Colorado police and something about a dog and a jar of peanut butter.
It was very messy, I heard.
Can any of you really, honestly see yourself ending up with that? Bye-bye, doggy Daniel.
That was easy.
All right, great.
And so what about, uh Naomi.
Yeah, well, you guys already dumped her once literally and that was before you even knew that she technically passed her STD test but is still, curiously, taking a shitload of antivirals.
I mean, I'm not saying that she has herpes, but I wouldn't screw her with Graham's dick.
- NAOMI: My parents are gonna kill me.
- QUINN: Well, tough break, okay? We'll bring the horse and buggy around.
Dan, go get the horse.
Is she always this savage? Only when she's awake.
All right.
Graham, get back to the Elimination Ceremony.
There are your numbers, Matrix.
I'm back! Put that in an e-mail.
[CHUCKLES] Well, folks, we had to do a little "Everlasting" switcheroo as two of our All-Stars this evening, Daniel and Naomi, had to leave us for personal reasons.
Yeah, personal Herpes and a peanut butter dip! See? Easy squeezy! You know, these guys aren't disposable.
I picked them for a reason.
Yeah, I'm sure you did.
Hey, where's Jack? Oh, shit.
Ooh! Look at that! We got a runner and a packer.
At least he's efficient.
Yeah, well, he doesn't think he has a chance.
You got rid of the one woman he spoke to all night, Naomi.
Ohhh, I'm sorry.
Maybe it's good story.
Guy gets cut night 1 on his third time at bat.
What are you talking about? We're not gonna cut Jack.
He's a white-picket-fence, family-man dream.
He's not getting cut.
I will make sure he stays.
You make sure someone picks him.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] That was weird.
Yeah, I mean, we definitely have enough white-picket white boys already.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] This was your plan to humiliate me.
Look, Jack, I had no idea that was gonna happen, - RACHEL: but you can't leave, honestly.
- JACK: Watch me.
Hey, hey, hey.
Jack, just take a deep breath.
Give me one second.
One second.
Come here.
Noelle, you know you're my girl, right? - NOELLE: Yeah.
- TOMMY: And I just I don't want to see anything traumatic happen to you again.
Did did Rodrigo say something? No, no.
It's not Rodrigo.
I'm so stupid, coming back on a reality show to find someone.
It's really not that stupid.
I mean, all of these people are vetted.
They're hand-picked.
They're special, just like you.
Look, no one's supposed to know how the guys voted on "Hump or Dump," so all I can say is, there is one woman who got all humps, no dumps.
And it wasn't you.
What? Someone dumped me? Who? GRAHAM: The women will, of course, choose their man of choice and continue on this journey of love, but in a twist this season, they'll get to spend the night.
QUINN: Ooh! Every night's an overnight.
I love it! You know, that means that the dingo is probably gonna have to give up his hammock.
Oh-ho-ho, his stock just plummeted.
[LAUGHS] You good? We're golden.
Uh, what's going on with you two? - QUINN: My people better be safe.
- TOMMY: They'll be fine.
In fact, we're gonna let Candi pick first.
First up, gentlemen Candi, our All-Star "Everlasting" superfan.
You will have, of course, the first choice.
Whose hands will you choose to put in your candy jar? Wow.
That's incredibly offensive.
When's he gonna learn? Never.
I really, like, get to choose any of these guys? Come on, you've seen the show a million times.
You know how this works.
I choose Rodrigo, baby.
- GRAHAM: Rodrigo! - QUINN: Ooh! Look at that.
Prom queen doesn't like competition.
W why didn't you have her pick Jack? Big picture.
Trust me.
Next up is Sofia.
Second choice.
Mm Um Alexi.
Oh! So she's a smart aspiring bitch.
Maybe you can take her all the way, and actually make the payments on your new douche-mobile.
You told me I should get that car.
- QUINN: No! That is the definition of "douche.
" - CHET: Okay.
- QUINN: I didn't say get that - CHET: We're all good.
All our guys are safe, so we can just head home, order out for sush, maybe get some massages.
But not from the same place, right? - No, not the same place.
- You should do that.
You should go.
You should leave.
That's what you love to do.
Excuse me? You were the one who left.
Mm, I came, like, right back.
SKYE: Roger.
I mean, look.
Roger the rapist is safe.
What are you complaining about? GRAHAM: Next, we have Maya.
And your Greek god.
I'm sure you can circle back on that one.
Yeah, no, you're right.
I have nothing to complain about.
Everything's perfect.
You should just go, uh, jump on your helicopter, land it on your yacht, and we'll see you guys later.
Bye! [SCOFFS] It was four weeks.
What, I'm not allowed to go on a vacation? GRAHAM: We're down to our final pick, and that honor goes to the beguiling Noelle.
Noelle, you have two choices here.
You have Joe and Jack.
One, you will keep, and one, you will kill metaphorically speaking, of course.
NOELLE: Oh, dear.
Um You called me a stuck-up, frigid bitch.
Why? 'Cause I wasn't paying enough attention to you? Uh, what's with the bucket? Watch the game.
Shit's about to get real good.
Well, you have all my attention now.
How's this for frigid?! Oh! [LAUGHTER] Yes! You're a beast, girl! Whoo! Candi, shut it, okay? How dare you pick Rodrigo.
You know he's the only reason I'm even here! - CANDI: I do? - NOELLE: Yeah! Right.
I do.
- NOELLE: Jack! - SOFIA: Why is she even here? She's just, like, a superfan, which is super-pathetic.
Yeah, she didn't even have to go through the humiliation of "Hump or Dump.
" So unfair.
You know what? You are so right.
- SKYE: Thank you.
- CANDI: All of you.
What do you say, boys? Hump or Dump? - Oh! Damn! Damn! - [LAUGHTER] MEN: Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump.
Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump! This is amazing! We are on fire! Exactly! That was the plan! That's exactly what I've been busting my ass to do for you.
I mean, I threw away my whole life, like, right before you disappeared.
I get it.
I'm not supposed to have a life as long as you don't have a life.
Because that's what this season's about, right? That's why you wanted August and Rodrigo, and thank God you saved Jack, because to hell with being a producer.
You're the suitress.
[SCOFFS] What about Puzzle Boy, huh? Is he part of your bang-a-thon? - RACHEL: Wow.
- QUINN: You might need to take a ticket.
Looks like there's gonna be a long wait.
I thought you'd be hiding out in one of the suites.
But, hey, this is wow way more chill.
Yeah, well, I used to live here.
I mean, you know, I slept here before I got my own place.
- What, really? - Mm-hmm.
Are you all right? Oh, no, it's j it's complicated.
There's just a lot of history.
Quinn's got you nailed.
Not as well as she thinks.
Well, let me take a shot.
Seriously? Yeah.
What are you, 32? Never had a real relationship, pretty much sleep at work.
I mean, you actually did sleep at work.
Not a lot of friends, but you're wildly good at your job, so the years just sort of slipped by.
Until one morning, you woke up and freaked the hell out about how desperately alone you are.
Am I right? You are like a boy genius.
Psychic, even.
But now it's my turn.
Wannabe reality producer, and this is your big shot.
I mean, you've been climbing your way up the ladder with the sex hair and the beg-for-it eyes, but you've never quite gotten there.
All I heard was "beg for it.
" And I'm super flattered.
Really, I would so go there with you.
It'd be fun to make you beg.
But, you see, this job is a big deal to me, and I don't shit where I eat, so Great.
You should put that on your résumé.
Listen, unlike Quinn, I don't give a shit about what you're doing with these dudes.
I did the same thing every show, every season.
My only issue is you're not a closer.
I can close on anything.
I do it all day long for a living, dude.
Yeah, I don't think so.
See, that's the bitter irony of your life, Goldberg.
You spend all your time pushing these shiny bimbos over the finish line to happily-ever-after.
But you you can't quite get there yourself.
I can get there if I want to.
I mean, I could have gotten there a long time ago.
- RACHEL: I don't - TOMMY: You're a really good liar.
Oh, my God.
Who also happens to be your boss.
So why don't you take your bullshit analysis - TOMMY: Oh.
- RACHEL: and go do the job that I hired you to do? All right.
Night, boss.
You know him better than anyone.
You have to tell me what I can do to make him really want me.
Yeah, I think you'll be okay.
[CLICKS TONGUE] [DOOR CLOSES] [INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS] Let's do it again Do it again - [INHALES DEEPLY] - Come on - Let's do it - [SIGHS] Hey, can we talk about your little tantrum? Right my tantrum.
So, I abandoned you? Is that what you think? Well, we were supposed to do this together, and then you left.
Uh, so, what, you went and became a blonde and cast a bunch of guys to just screw the loneliness out of you? Right.
'Cause sex is all you think I can get.
I mean, like, why shouldn't I have what you have, what I help everyone else on this show get? - QUINN: What, true love? - RACHEL: Why not? I deserve it.
And I am gonna get it.
I am.
I'm gonna get a ring on it by the end of this season.
You watch.
[LAUGHS] "Get a ring on it"? Who are you Beyoncé? Rachel, stop! You are panicking, scared shitless about what those assholes said about you That is not what this is.
Are you that desperate to not be alone that you're willing to marry some contestant from a dumbass reality show who you've known for eight weeks? Well, at least I can't do any worse than Chet.
Chet is a real person living in the real world who I know very well.
You are living in a fantasy where everyone is perfect, therefore fake.
So good luck getting one of these fame whores to marry the real you whoever that is.
You know, for the balance, I think it's better over there.
Okay, just go, please.
Thank you, Alan.
Or Richard.
- QUINN: Wow.
- CHET: You want to discuss "Wow"? How about you just knocked it out of the park.
I mean, you just launched the most amazing season opener of "Everlasting" while you promoted two of our other shows.
I guess it, uh, worked out that way.
Would you look at what we've done in a month? I mean, 30 days.
God, I love you.
[SIGHS] Hey.
Thank you so much for meeting me.
I'm really happy that you asked me here to talk to you tonight.
I mean, I was the newbie producer on "Everlasting," and there's so many things that I need to tell you about what really goes on there.
Tell me everything.
Start with Rachel.
Hey, how about a mai tai? A little extra curaçao, no mint.
Your drink is my command.
Yeah, just give me a minute.
- MAYA: Hey.
- MAYA: Is everything okay? - RACHEL: Yeah, no, everything's great.
Can I just talk to you for a second? Sure.
Okay, look, I've just been thinking a lot about this I mean, like, how hard it was for you to see Roger, and now you're forced to spend the night with some guy that you barely know.
It's fine.
I'm okay.
It's not fine, and I am so sorry.
[SIGHS] Look, I have another bedroom down the hall.
I think that you're gonna be so much more comfortable there.
[CHUCKLES] - MAYA: Thank you.
- RACHEL: Yeah.
Ohh! Mm! [KNOCK ON DOOR] [SIGHS] Where's Maya, Rachel? She just needed some space.
- AUGUST: Yeah.
- RACHEL: Yeah.
Well, she seemed a little uncomfortable.
Yeah, she'll be fine.
I got her another room.
That's nice of you.
- I'm nice.
- [LAUGHS] Look, I know that things got completely crazy last season, and I totally get it if you don't trust me.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
But we did have a connection from day 1.
You know, like, whatever else happened, that was real.
You want me to leave? Let's just have a drink, see how it goes.
Come in.
This will fade away Watch out This will fade away Watch out [LAUGHS] This will fade away