Up Here (2023) s01e04 Episode Script
Special
1
In all this crazy world ♪
There's one thing I am certain of ♪
For every hour and month and
year that we are here to love ♪
Regardless of how much ♪
We talk, we tell, we touch ♪
No matter what we suffer throoough ♪
I can never know you ♪
I can never know you ♪
[VOICES HARMONIZING]
LINDSAY: Hm.
Well at the very least,
I think Strip-Clubs
Miguel had a good time.
Well, Strip-Clubs Miguel
always has a good time.
That's his whole thing.
Do you th Do you think we should
Yeah. Yeah, no, we should definitely.
Okay, so I can go out first.
- Right, and then
- And then you will wait a few minutes
- and then you come out.
- Okay.
Just 'cause I, you know, we don't
want people to get the wrong idea.
- No, we don't want that.
- Or the right idea.
Sorry, I've never done this before.
Well, lucky for you, I've done
this about a million times.
Sex in a, uh, a printing store bathroom?
Printing store bathroom,
printing store utility closet,
- printing store employee break room.
- Wow.
I guess you could say I come here often.
- I'm gonna meet ya outside.
- All right.
[GRUNTS] Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
Yes.
Perfect distraction.
Bye.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
Oooh ♪
Ahhh ♪
Time stops and I'm not waiting ♪
My heart is already there ♪
I'm done with hesitating ♪
This feels so right and so rare ♪
And I can't help but feelin' ♪
I am not alone ♪
So much of life is lonely ♪
So much of love is hiding ♪
Falling in love is only ♪
One single heart deciding ♪
My destiny is callin' ♪
The rest of me is reelin' ♪
And I can't help but fallin' ♪
'Cause I can't help but feeling ♪
I am not alone ♪
I belong with you now ♪
I am not alone ♪
Love is what I do now ♪
- [KNOCKS ON DOOR]
- Just a second!
Yeah.
Let's not get too excited ♪
You always make this mistake ♪
As soon as you're ignited ♪
You are a whole lot to take ♪
But once the fire's burnin' ♪
- No ♪
- And all the bells are ringing ♪
- No ♪
- I know there's no returning ♪
- God, no ♪
- Because my ♪
- Heart is singing ♪
- Ah, fuck it.
I am not alone ♪
Love is where I live now ♪
I am not alone ♪
So much love to give now ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
I am not alone, I am not alone ♪
There's so much love to give ♪
There's so much love to love ♪
I'm sure we're on the
same page about this,
but you probably just wanna
keep things casual right?
Absolutely.
This is good, right?
Bro, this is ideal.
It's just she did
frame it as a question.
She didn't say that she
wanted to keep it casual, necessarily.
She asked me if I wanted to,
so now I'm wondering if
Stop wondering, okay? Lose the wonder.
- No you're right.
- Of course, I'm fuckin' right, man.
Steady sex, zero obligations.
You get to do it with Lindsay
and whoever else you want.
And she's the one that's suggesting it?
It's the Holy Grail of fuckery, man.
- And we don't have to get attached.
- No!
- We don't have to get feelings involved.
- Exactly.
- Just sex.
- Yeah.
- There's nothing special about it.
- Special? Bro.
- Fuck special!
- [ALL LAUGHING]
Sex is always special for him.
He could be getting a dumpster blow job
from a snaggle-toothed
prostitute named Chuckles.
He'd be madly in love by the time
she finished undoing his belt buckle.
Nuh-uh, no, no, no, no.
- That's the old Miguel.
- Yeah, that's not me anymore.
Oh, not since 12 minutes ago
when you were ready to start pickin'
out the name of your first child?
O-kay. That was just
I was caught up in the
moment. This is what happens.
Uh, is that the same thing
that happened with me?
You know, when I let you go up my shirt
'cause I was trying to get back
at Rod for fingering that skank
from Holy Cross with the twitchy eye?
- [WHISPERS]: Nice.
- And you promised not to get weird after it.
And then, you wrote me those poems,
and some of them were,
like, bizarrely sexual.
About, like "fragrant tulip buds"?
- Hey, it's not that weird.
- It's pretty fuckin' weird.
It was a long time ago! Is the point.
I was a kid.
- Things are different now.
- You're a man.
- I'm a man.
- Yeah.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS]
Wow. That was
- I should get going.
- Oh.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Okay?
Yeah, I just need to
prep for this meeting.
Oh what's the meeting?
Um, you wouldn't be interested.
I'm asking.
I, uh, think I may
have found my own business
to bring in.
- To the bank.
- Oh Well, that, that sounds good.
- Is that good?
- Yeah, it is good. It is very good.
- It's very good?
- Very, very good.
- Well, dang.
- If I can land it.
Well, you're not the only one with
life-changing professional news.
I finally get to do
my very own Staff Pick
- at the bookstore.
- Okay. What are you gonna choose?
Fitness Walking For Dummies.
It's a completely rigged process.
We just do whichever book we've
ordered too many copies of.
God, this is just like the
night I found out the Tooth Fairy
was actually just my dad rifling
through his wallet for small bills.
Truth hurts.
Uh, do you think that pizza place
at the end of your block is still open?
Ooh, I don't know. Let's find out.
Uhh.
You really think we
should be doin' that?
- Going out for dinner?
- It's a slice of pizza.
Yeah, it's, it's probably
better, though, right, if we just
- keep things simple, keep it casual.
- I think we could
get a slice of pizza without
falling madly in love.
That's true.
[SIGHS]
Yeah let's do it.
[I AM NOT ALONE PLAYING]
[INAUDIBLE]
[BABY CRYING]
[BABY CRYING]
Nice
pants.
[MONITOR BEEPING, FLATLINES]
There's so much love to
give, there's so much love ♪
- What the fuck are you doing?!
- Oh, my God.
Okay, so, uh, a dinner
date, a sleepover,
and now you're dreamin' about
your future fucking offspring?
Yeah, this is about as
casual as a brain aneurysm.
- I don't know what happened.
- Unless Oh, my God!
Maybe she's in love with you.
Maybe it really is special.
Maybe she's special.
She's bein' sarcastic, you
cuckolded fuckin' infant.
I know. I, I was thinking about
it sarcastically, with sarcasm.
LINDSAY: Hey.
- You, you leaving?
- I'm leaving, yes, um,
but it was nice to see you, as always.
- [SIGHS]
- Yes Good.
High five.
I'd rather not.
Okay.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
"So, the fire-juggling flounder
and the lion-taming eel,
with the snow crab on a unicycle
and the sea trout named"
ALL: Emile!
"They went one and all,
yes, one and all they went
to the great, grand ocean circus
in the great, grand coral tent."
Mr. McGooch?
Ted please.
Okay, Ted. I'm sorry.
I just I had to tell you,
The Bubbling Big Top?
I used to refuse to go to sleep
until my mother would read
it to me at least three times.
Please extend my sincerest
apologies to your mother.
No. She, she loved it.
I-I was actually wondering if maybe
you could sign copies for both of us?
Ah.
Should I make them out to?
I-I'm Lindsay and she's Joan.
Pleasure to meet you, Lindsay.
- I'm I'm actually a writer, too.
- Ah.
Well, but grown-up stuff.
I didn't mean that to sound
I, I love children's books.
It's a misnomer. "Children's books."
Name me a single piece of writing
that confronts the
riddle of human mortality
with more courage, more honesty,
than Goodnight, Moon.
"The quiet old lady
whispering 'hush.'"
Come on. Camus, Sartre,
Beckett compared to that?
Schoolboys.
The quiet old lady is
supposed to be death?
It's all supposed to be death.
The quiet old lady
the bowl full of mush,
the three little bears
sitting on chairs.
The bears are death,
the chairs are death.
Children live much closer
to the true essence of life.
The darkness, the doubt, the dread.
Oh, wow.
I guess I never
thought of it that way.
It's been nice chatting with you.
I'm always excited to talk about death.
Alas I must be off.
Hope to see you Saturday.
Uh, sorry, Saturday?
Midnight. 740 Ludlow. Tell no one.
MIGUEL: So, I was flipping
through the Brown Alumni Magazine.
I usually don't even read it,
but then I saw the profile on you,
and I was so inspired by your story.
Jimmy showed me the article and I
was like, "Wait, I know that dude."
I was this guy's surfing teacher.
Uh, the teacher learned much from
the student, if methinks correctly.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Well, listen, I just wanted
to be here for the intros.
I will let my esteemed colleague
Jimmy take it from here.
Still recoverin' from my bachelor party.
Cardboard Jimmy was a champ.
Oh good.
So, as I was saying,
I was so impressed by
all that you've done,
creating the 12th largest
juice brand in the world.
Number-one cruelty-free.
- I didn't realize that.
That's great to know.
Oh yeah, and we don't test our
shit on bonobos and whatnot.
I'm, I'm very firm on that.
Well, and I think it's exactly
that commitment to your vision
And I wanna murder Snapple.
- What's that?
- I said I want to murder Snapple.
That's the other part of this.
I want to take a pillow
and hold it over its face
until it, it goes lifeless, and it dies.
Can you help me do that?
I believe you have the potential to
outperform any of your competitors.
You just need the right partner.
Someone who has relationships
to key players in private equity
to get you the capital you need to
make Squez a fruit juice empire.
Wait until you hear what
I wanna do to Ocean Spray.
[CHUCKLES]
Why don't I grab us another round
and you can tell me all about it?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Looks like a fun meet.
Do you know, uh, Squez Juice?
Of course. Can't live without
my daily Berry Bonanza.
That's the guy.
- It's always the weirdos.
- [BOTH CHUCKLING]
Uh, hey, can I get another round
of, uh, Johnnie Walker Gold, please?
Sure.
- You're in finance.
- How'd you guess?
Armani jacket, Ferragamo shoes,
criminally overpriced Scotch.
- Well.
- I know the type.
I'm at Lehman. Arbitrage.
Winnicott. Analyst.
Oh, you're a baby.
Not quite.
My home number is on the back.
Oh.
I'm sorta seein' someone.
You fuckin' rube!
But it's casual.
It's very casual.
Well casual works for me.
TRIP: Ask if they have walnuts.
Whole nuts.
I brought my own nutcracker.
Walnuts?
Hey.
Should probably go.
I've got a a ton of work
to get through this weekend.
Oh okay.
Oh, hey, how did the big meeting go?
Pretty great, actually.
I mean still need to
put together a deal, but.
But then you get to be assistant.
Associate.
Which is better than assistant?
There is no assistant.
There's analyst and
then there's associate.
Well, in that case, yay!
No.
[MIGUEL CHUCKLES]
- I used to love reading this book.
- Yeah, me too. [LAUGHS]
You know, he did a reading
at the store the other day.
Yeah, I introduced myself
and told him I was a writer.
- No! You met Mr. McGooch?!
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
God. My six-year-old self
is seething with envy.
He was actually kind of amazing.
And I think talking to him
might've made me realize that I
kinda wanna try
writing a children's book.
There's a lot more to
them than people realize.
Yeah why not?
Yeah, why not?
I used to read this
to my little brother.
He was obsessed. [CHUCKLES]
Right after my mom died,
my dad worked two jobs,
and I had to take over
the whole bedtime routine.
- How old were you when
- I was 10.
And then we had to
move, and that sucked.
How come?
- Well, we lived in Westchester.
- It's, like, the suburbs.
But when my dad couldn't swing
two jobs and two kids by himself,
we had to move to Queens.
Why Queens?
It's where he grew
up, in Jackson Heights.
It was like my whole life
had been this one way,
and then, all of a sudden,
it wasn't.
My Spanish was shit.
And I didn't know anybody.
Sorry.
Thanks.
[PHONE RINGING]
I'll be right back, okay?
Hello?
Ugh.
No, for the last time, there
is no one here named Dave.
Please, you have to
stop calling, seriously.
[HANGS UP PHONE] [LINDSAY EXHALES]
What are you doing later?
'Cause I have this
thing I, I might go to,
but I was thinking maybe
we could grab dinner?
I mean, I realized earlier
that we've never actually eaten
- inside of a building together.
- Uh, I have plans already, actually,
with, uh, another
- with someone else, so I can't.
- Oh.
Okay, well rain check then, I guess?
Yeah. Yeah, I'd love that.
- I'll see ya later.
- 'Kay.
[EXHALES]
I'm glad you called.
Me too.
[APPLAUSE]
TED: Welcome to the real
Bubbling Big Top.
Rockin' atmosphere.
This is where I get all my ideas.
- Really? Ah.
- Hey, Emile.
[GASPS] Oh, my God, Emile.
I told you, children's literature
is much more complicated
than people realize.
Yes.
I
I think I think I wanna write one,
a, a children's book, I mean.
I I wanna write the
kind of children's book
I wish I had when I was a kid.
What kinda book would that be?
Well, growing up, I guess I
always felt like kind of a
like a weirdo.
You know, I had all these
big ideas and feelings,
and I just thought
that there was something
wrong with me, honestly.
I just wish I'd had a book to read
that told me that there wasn't.
That you don't always
have to be good or nice.
I think if I'd had that,
my life would've turned
out a lot different.
As soon as you finish writing that book,
send it to me.
Really?
Really.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
[MOANING]
[I AM NOT ALONE PLAYING]
Um, ho-hold, hold on.
- What's wrong?
- Uh, I I'm, I'm just wonderin' if maybe
MAN: Hey Hello?
- Who's that?
- RACHEL: Oh shit.
He wasn't supposed to
fly back until tomorrow.
- Who wasn't supposed to fly back 'til tomorrow?
- I'm j
- What the fucking fuck, Jimmy?!
Are you trying to fuck my fiancée?!
- What?!
- Answer me, you fucking traitor!
Are you tryna fuck my fiancée
in my fucking apartment?
I didn't know she was your fiancée!
Chad, please don't do
anything crazy, okay?
Not like last time.
You wanna fuck her, you
sick fuckin' pervert?
- No.
- Go on. Fuck her.
- Don't let me stop you.
- I mean, if he's insisting.
Oh, I'm insisting all right.
And he's just gonna sit there and watch.
And I'm just gonna sit here
and watch with my pants off.
What choice do we have?
Wait a minute.
Not into it?
Oh, my God!
We said casual, which I
was totally okay with
- CHAD/RACHEL: Mm.
- I thought I was totally okay with,
but maybe part of me
always thought there was
something special about her.
I don't know.
Thank you for listening.
Any time.
I hope this isn't rude of me to say, but
I don't understand how you guys can
do what you do.
I mean, don't you get jealous or?
You know our secret?
We have one unbreakable rule:
honesty.
We tell each other exactly what we want.
No half-truths and no game playing.
Yeah, as long as we both
want the same thing, great.
And if we don't,
then we'll deal with that, too.
Look, I don't know if
you'd be interested in this,
but, uh, if you did wanna stick around,
we could start with some light ticklin'.
I'm good thanks.
- Fair enough. Hm.
- Okay.
After everything I have done for you,
all that I have sacrificed,
all the hours I spent trying to graft
some semblance of
testicles to your scrotum,
and you're just gonna
you're gonna throw it all away!
- I knew he couldn't do casual.
I said it from the beginning.
Except I can do casual, actually.
I could've had sex with
Rachel all night long.
- That is highly debatable!
- And I wouldn't have felt anything.
But it's different with Lindsay.
It's special because she's special.
- What are you talking about?
You felt the same thing with me.
- Maybe you were special, too.
- That is actually very sweet.
Okay, but that's the problem, Miguel.
You're not special
- at all.
- MIGUEL: Mm-hm.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
I hope you don't mind that I came by.
N-No, it's great to see you, um.
I don't have super long to talk, though,
just because the new Sue Grafton joint
just dropped, O For Outlaw,
and let me tell you,
we are "S" for screwed
because we don't have the
manpower to handle this.
No, no, no. This, this won't take long.
It's just, um, there's
something I need to tell you, um.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS]
I was with someone last night.
Um.
Oh.
It, it didn't mean anything,
but it made me realize
I, I just have to say, I-I'm
so glad that you brought this up
because I, too, was
with someone last night.
- [MUSIC ENDS]
- And I j I didn't know if we were,
if we were gonna share that
news with each other or.
It's actually someone you
know sort of. It was Ted.
McGooch Yeah.
I mean, that's not his
real last name, but.
You were with
Mr. McGooch?
W-Where did you go?
An underwater circus?
Yeah, [LAUGHS] actually.
I mean, it was above water, obviously,
uh, and it was less of a circus circus
and more of a sex club
with a circus theme?
I just have to say I-I'm
I was really, really nervous
when we started this, you know,
because I was like, "Can
people even be casual?"
But
this is what I came to New York for,
to be free and to try
all kinds of new things
- [DRUMROLL]
- [LINDSAY'S VOICE FADES]
There once lived a
boy, or rather, a man ♪
Who loved a young woman
and hatched a great plan ♪
He thought he should share
all his feelings inside ♪
Those feelings he felt
he should no longer hide ♪
So he hitched up his
courage and ran to her side ♪
Hopin' to open his heart open wide ♪
But I was right there
sayin' "Buddy, beware" ♪
With McGoochy McWisdom
I thought I'd McShare ♪
Oh, there's so many ways you
have not thought this through ♪
Yes, you feel things for her,
what does she feel for you ♪
Your feelings are big,
ah, but hers may be smaller ♪
She may have big feelings
for one who is taller ♪
Or richer or cooler,
this has been the trend ♪
So, think this thing through,
my full-feeling friend ♪
You're a smart-seemin' kid,
keep a lid on this blaze ♪
Your feelings could
burn you in so many ways ♪
TED/DANCERS: So many
ways, so many ways ♪
DANCERS: You've not
thought this through ♪
In so many ways ♪
'Cause there's so many
ways you will not measure up ♪
If you're counting them
now, then the answer is yup ♪
You've no self-assurance,
you always soft pedal ♪
You have no Newbery
or Caldecott Medal ♪
I own my apartment
and prob'ly a boat ♪
Thanks to whimsical,
swim-sical classics I wrote ♪
And a girl on the go
likes a player who pays ♪
And your boat just
won't float in, oh, sss ♪
- DANCERS: So many ways ♪
- So many ways ♪
DANCERS: So many ways ♪
Oh, there's so many ways
you are going to get hurt ♪
Has she been to my place,
have I been up her skirt ♪
You can't know, you can't
know, she will not tell you so ♪
So you'll go and imagine
a slow blow-by-blow ♪
And there in your head,
I'll be so good in bed ♪
You'll concoct that her cooch
likes McGooch there instead ♪
When I do the deed,
every dame's in a daze ♪
My deed does it
deeper in so many ways ♪
TED/DANCERS: So many
ways, so many ways ♪
I have experience, I have the skills ♪
I'm wiser and Pfizer
supplies me with pills ♪
But do what you want, fella ♪
Nerve up and tell her
ya love her and need her ♪
Then wait like Old Yeller,
as she pulls the trigger ♪
And right down you go
like that pitiful pooch ♪
Yes, McGooch told ya so ♪
LINDSAY: Like you were
saying, it made you realize
This was a mistake.
For us to get involved.
That's what I realized.
For a lot of different reasons,
we were better off as friends,
so
I think we should just
do that.
Yeah, I mean, if that's
what you really want.
Absolutely.
♪
[FANFARE]
In all this crazy world ♪
There's one thing I am certain of ♪
For every hour and month and
year that we are here to love ♪
Regardless of how much ♪
We talk, we tell, we touch ♪
No matter what we suffer throoough ♪
I can never know you ♪
I can never know you ♪
[VOICES HARMONIZING]
LINDSAY: Hm.
Well at the very least,
I think Strip-Clubs
Miguel had a good time.
Well, Strip-Clubs Miguel
always has a good time.
That's his whole thing.
Do you th Do you think we should
Yeah. Yeah, no, we should definitely.
Okay, so I can go out first.
- Right, and then
- And then you will wait a few minutes
- and then you come out.
- Okay.
Just 'cause I, you know, we don't
want people to get the wrong idea.
- No, we don't want that.
- Or the right idea.
Sorry, I've never done this before.
Well, lucky for you, I've done
this about a million times.
Sex in a, uh, a printing store bathroom?
Printing store bathroom,
printing store utility closet,
- printing store employee break room.
- Wow.
I guess you could say I come here often.
- I'm gonna meet ya outside.
- All right.
[GRUNTS] Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
Yes.
Perfect distraction.
Bye.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
Oooh ♪
Ahhh ♪
Time stops and I'm not waiting ♪
My heart is already there ♪
I'm done with hesitating ♪
This feels so right and so rare ♪
And I can't help but feelin' ♪
I am not alone ♪
So much of life is lonely ♪
So much of love is hiding ♪
Falling in love is only ♪
One single heart deciding ♪
My destiny is callin' ♪
The rest of me is reelin' ♪
And I can't help but fallin' ♪
'Cause I can't help but feeling ♪
I am not alone ♪
I belong with you now ♪
I am not alone ♪
Love is what I do now ♪
- [KNOCKS ON DOOR]
- Just a second!
Yeah.
Let's not get too excited ♪
You always make this mistake ♪
As soon as you're ignited ♪
You are a whole lot to take ♪
But once the fire's burnin' ♪
- No ♪
- And all the bells are ringing ♪
- No ♪
- I know there's no returning ♪
- God, no ♪
- Because my ♪
- Heart is singing ♪
- Ah, fuck it.
I am not alone ♪
Love is where I live now ♪
I am not alone ♪
So much love to give now ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
I am not alone, I am not alone ♪
There's so much love to give ♪
There's so much love to love ♪
I'm sure we're on the
same page about this,
but you probably just wanna
keep things casual right?
Absolutely.
This is good, right?
Bro, this is ideal.
It's just she did
frame it as a question.
She didn't say that she
wanted to keep it casual, necessarily.
She asked me if I wanted to,
so now I'm wondering if
Stop wondering, okay? Lose the wonder.
- No you're right.
- Of course, I'm fuckin' right, man.
Steady sex, zero obligations.
You get to do it with Lindsay
and whoever else you want.
And she's the one that's suggesting it?
It's the Holy Grail of fuckery, man.
- And we don't have to get attached.
- No!
- We don't have to get feelings involved.
- Exactly.
- Just sex.
- Yeah.
- There's nothing special about it.
- Special? Bro.
- Fuck special!
- [ALL LAUGHING]
Sex is always special for him.
He could be getting a dumpster blow job
from a snaggle-toothed
prostitute named Chuckles.
He'd be madly in love by the time
she finished undoing his belt buckle.
Nuh-uh, no, no, no, no.
- That's the old Miguel.
- Yeah, that's not me anymore.
Oh, not since 12 minutes ago
when you were ready to start pickin'
out the name of your first child?
O-kay. That was just
I was caught up in the
moment. This is what happens.
Uh, is that the same thing
that happened with me?
You know, when I let you go up my shirt
'cause I was trying to get back
at Rod for fingering that skank
from Holy Cross with the twitchy eye?
- [WHISPERS]: Nice.
- And you promised not to get weird after it.
And then, you wrote me those poems,
and some of them were,
like, bizarrely sexual.
About, like "fragrant tulip buds"?
- Hey, it's not that weird.
- It's pretty fuckin' weird.
It was a long time ago! Is the point.
I was a kid.
- Things are different now.
- You're a man.
- I'm a man.
- Yeah.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS]
Wow. That was
- I should get going.
- Oh.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Okay?
Yeah, I just need to
prep for this meeting.
Oh what's the meeting?
Um, you wouldn't be interested.
I'm asking.
I, uh, think I may
have found my own business
to bring in.
- To the bank.
- Oh Well, that, that sounds good.
- Is that good?
- Yeah, it is good. It is very good.
- It's very good?
- Very, very good.
- Well, dang.
- If I can land it.
Well, you're not the only one with
life-changing professional news.
I finally get to do
my very own Staff Pick
- at the bookstore.
- Okay. What are you gonna choose?
Fitness Walking For Dummies.
It's a completely rigged process.
We just do whichever book we've
ordered too many copies of.
God, this is just like the
night I found out the Tooth Fairy
was actually just my dad rifling
through his wallet for small bills.
Truth hurts.
Uh, do you think that pizza place
at the end of your block is still open?
Ooh, I don't know. Let's find out.
Uhh.
You really think we
should be doin' that?
- Going out for dinner?
- It's a slice of pizza.
Yeah, it's, it's probably
better, though, right, if we just
- keep things simple, keep it casual.
- I think we could
get a slice of pizza without
falling madly in love.
That's true.
[SIGHS]
Yeah let's do it.
[I AM NOT ALONE PLAYING]
[INAUDIBLE]
[BABY CRYING]
[BABY CRYING]
Nice
pants.
[MONITOR BEEPING, FLATLINES]
There's so much love to
give, there's so much love ♪
- What the fuck are you doing?!
- Oh, my God.
Okay, so, uh, a dinner
date, a sleepover,
and now you're dreamin' about
your future fucking offspring?
Yeah, this is about as
casual as a brain aneurysm.
- I don't know what happened.
- Unless Oh, my God!
Maybe she's in love with you.
Maybe it really is special.
Maybe she's special.
She's bein' sarcastic, you
cuckolded fuckin' infant.
I know. I, I was thinking about
it sarcastically, with sarcasm.
LINDSAY: Hey.
- You, you leaving?
- I'm leaving, yes, um,
but it was nice to see you, as always.
- [SIGHS]
- Yes Good.
High five.
I'd rather not.
Okay.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
"So, the fire-juggling flounder
and the lion-taming eel,
with the snow crab on a unicycle
and the sea trout named"
ALL: Emile!
"They went one and all,
yes, one and all they went
to the great, grand ocean circus
in the great, grand coral tent."
Mr. McGooch?
Ted please.
Okay, Ted. I'm sorry.
I just I had to tell you,
The Bubbling Big Top?
I used to refuse to go to sleep
until my mother would read
it to me at least three times.
Please extend my sincerest
apologies to your mother.
No. She, she loved it.
I-I was actually wondering if maybe
you could sign copies for both of us?
Ah.
Should I make them out to?
I-I'm Lindsay and she's Joan.
Pleasure to meet you, Lindsay.
- I'm I'm actually a writer, too.
- Ah.
Well, but grown-up stuff.
I didn't mean that to sound
I, I love children's books.
It's a misnomer. "Children's books."
Name me a single piece of writing
that confronts the
riddle of human mortality
with more courage, more honesty,
than Goodnight, Moon.
"The quiet old lady
whispering 'hush.'"
Come on. Camus, Sartre,
Beckett compared to that?
Schoolboys.
The quiet old lady is
supposed to be death?
It's all supposed to be death.
The quiet old lady
the bowl full of mush,
the three little bears
sitting on chairs.
The bears are death,
the chairs are death.
Children live much closer
to the true essence of life.
The darkness, the doubt, the dread.
Oh, wow.
I guess I never
thought of it that way.
It's been nice chatting with you.
I'm always excited to talk about death.
Alas I must be off.
Hope to see you Saturday.
Uh, sorry, Saturday?
Midnight. 740 Ludlow. Tell no one.
MIGUEL: So, I was flipping
through the Brown Alumni Magazine.
I usually don't even read it,
but then I saw the profile on you,
and I was so inspired by your story.
Jimmy showed me the article and I
was like, "Wait, I know that dude."
I was this guy's surfing teacher.
Uh, the teacher learned much from
the student, if methinks correctly.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Well, listen, I just wanted
to be here for the intros.
I will let my esteemed colleague
Jimmy take it from here.
Still recoverin' from my bachelor party.
Cardboard Jimmy was a champ.
Oh good.
So, as I was saying,
I was so impressed by
all that you've done,
creating the 12th largest
juice brand in the world.
Number-one cruelty-free.
- I didn't realize that.
That's great to know.
Oh yeah, and we don't test our
shit on bonobos and whatnot.
I'm, I'm very firm on that.
Well, and I think it's exactly
that commitment to your vision
And I wanna murder Snapple.
- What's that?
- I said I want to murder Snapple.
That's the other part of this.
I want to take a pillow
and hold it over its face
until it, it goes lifeless, and it dies.
Can you help me do that?
I believe you have the potential to
outperform any of your competitors.
You just need the right partner.
Someone who has relationships
to key players in private equity
to get you the capital you need to
make Squez a fruit juice empire.
Wait until you hear what
I wanna do to Ocean Spray.
[CHUCKLES]
Why don't I grab us another round
and you can tell me all about it?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Looks like a fun meet.
Do you know, uh, Squez Juice?
Of course. Can't live without
my daily Berry Bonanza.
That's the guy.
- It's always the weirdos.
- [BOTH CHUCKLING]
Uh, hey, can I get another round
of, uh, Johnnie Walker Gold, please?
Sure.
- You're in finance.
- How'd you guess?
Armani jacket, Ferragamo shoes,
criminally overpriced Scotch.
- Well.
- I know the type.
I'm at Lehman. Arbitrage.
Winnicott. Analyst.
Oh, you're a baby.
Not quite.
My home number is on the back.
Oh.
I'm sorta seein' someone.
You fuckin' rube!
But it's casual.
It's very casual.
Well casual works for me.
TRIP: Ask if they have walnuts.
Whole nuts.
I brought my own nutcracker.
Walnuts?
Hey.
Should probably go.
I've got a a ton of work
to get through this weekend.
Oh okay.
Oh, hey, how did the big meeting go?
Pretty great, actually.
I mean still need to
put together a deal, but.
But then you get to be assistant.
Associate.
Which is better than assistant?
There is no assistant.
There's analyst and
then there's associate.
Well, in that case, yay!
No.
[MIGUEL CHUCKLES]
- I used to love reading this book.
- Yeah, me too. [LAUGHS]
You know, he did a reading
at the store the other day.
Yeah, I introduced myself
and told him I was a writer.
- No! You met Mr. McGooch?!
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
God. My six-year-old self
is seething with envy.
He was actually kind of amazing.
And I think talking to him
might've made me realize that I
kinda wanna try
writing a children's book.
There's a lot more to
them than people realize.
Yeah why not?
Yeah, why not?
I used to read this
to my little brother.
He was obsessed. [CHUCKLES]
Right after my mom died,
my dad worked two jobs,
and I had to take over
the whole bedtime routine.
- How old were you when
- I was 10.
And then we had to
move, and that sucked.
How come?
- Well, we lived in Westchester.
- It's, like, the suburbs.
But when my dad couldn't swing
two jobs and two kids by himself,
we had to move to Queens.
Why Queens?
It's where he grew
up, in Jackson Heights.
It was like my whole life
had been this one way,
and then, all of a sudden,
it wasn't.
My Spanish was shit.
And I didn't know anybody.
Sorry.
Thanks.
[PHONE RINGING]
I'll be right back, okay?
Hello?
Ugh.
No, for the last time, there
is no one here named Dave.
Please, you have to
stop calling, seriously.
[HANGS UP PHONE] [LINDSAY EXHALES]
What are you doing later?
'Cause I have this
thing I, I might go to,
but I was thinking maybe
we could grab dinner?
I mean, I realized earlier
that we've never actually eaten
- inside of a building together.
- Uh, I have plans already, actually,
with, uh, another
- with someone else, so I can't.
- Oh.
Okay, well rain check then, I guess?
Yeah. Yeah, I'd love that.
- I'll see ya later.
- 'Kay.
[EXHALES]
I'm glad you called.
Me too.
[APPLAUSE]
TED: Welcome to the real
Bubbling Big Top.
Rockin' atmosphere.
This is where I get all my ideas.
- Really? Ah.
- Hey, Emile.
[GASPS] Oh, my God, Emile.
I told you, children's literature
is much more complicated
than people realize.
Yes.
I
I think I think I wanna write one,
a, a children's book, I mean.
I I wanna write the
kind of children's book
I wish I had when I was a kid.
What kinda book would that be?
Well, growing up, I guess I
always felt like kind of a
like a weirdo.
You know, I had all these
big ideas and feelings,
and I just thought
that there was something
wrong with me, honestly.
I just wish I'd had a book to read
that told me that there wasn't.
That you don't always
have to be good or nice.
I think if I'd had that,
my life would've turned
out a lot different.
As soon as you finish writing that book,
send it to me.
Really?
Really.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
[MOANING]
[I AM NOT ALONE PLAYING]
Um, ho-hold, hold on.
- What's wrong?
- Uh, I I'm, I'm just wonderin' if maybe
MAN: Hey Hello?
- Who's that?
- RACHEL: Oh shit.
He wasn't supposed to
fly back until tomorrow.
- Who wasn't supposed to fly back 'til tomorrow?
- I'm j
- What the fucking fuck, Jimmy?!
Are you trying to fuck my fiancée?!
- What?!
- Answer me, you fucking traitor!
Are you tryna fuck my fiancée
in my fucking apartment?
I didn't know she was your fiancée!
Chad, please don't do
anything crazy, okay?
Not like last time.
You wanna fuck her, you
sick fuckin' pervert?
- No.
- Go on. Fuck her.
- Don't let me stop you.
- I mean, if he's insisting.
Oh, I'm insisting all right.
And he's just gonna sit there and watch.
And I'm just gonna sit here
and watch with my pants off.
What choice do we have?
Wait a minute.
Not into it?
Oh, my God!
We said casual, which I
was totally okay with
- CHAD/RACHEL: Mm.
- I thought I was totally okay with,
but maybe part of me
always thought there was
something special about her.
I don't know.
Thank you for listening.
Any time.
I hope this isn't rude of me to say, but
I don't understand how you guys can
do what you do.
I mean, don't you get jealous or?
You know our secret?
We have one unbreakable rule:
honesty.
We tell each other exactly what we want.
No half-truths and no game playing.
Yeah, as long as we both
want the same thing, great.
And if we don't,
then we'll deal with that, too.
Look, I don't know if
you'd be interested in this,
but, uh, if you did wanna stick around,
we could start with some light ticklin'.
I'm good thanks.
- Fair enough. Hm.
- Okay.
After everything I have done for you,
all that I have sacrificed,
all the hours I spent trying to graft
some semblance of
testicles to your scrotum,
and you're just gonna
you're gonna throw it all away!
- I knew he couldn't do casual.
I said it from the beginning.
Except I can do casual, actually.
I could've had sex with
Rachel all night long.
- That is highly debatable!
- And I wouldn't have felt anything.
But it's different with Lindsay.
It's special because she's special.
- What are you talking about?
You felt the same thing with me.
- Maybe you were special, too.
- That is actually very sweet.
Okay, but that's the problem, Miguel.
You're not special
- at all.
- MIGUEL: Mm-hm.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
I hope you don't mind that I came by.
N-No, it's great to see you, um.
I don't have super long to talk, though,
just because the new Sue Grafton joint
just dropped, O For Outlaw,
and let me tell you,
we are "S" for screwed
because we don't have the
manpower to handle this.
No, no, no. This, this won't take long.
It's just, um, there's
something I need to tell you, um.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS]
I was with someone last night.
Um.
Oh.
It, it didn't mean anything,
but it made me realize
I, I just have to say, I-I'm
so glad that you brought this up
because I, too, was
with someone last night.
- [MUSIC ENDS]
- And I j I didn't know if we were,
if we were gonna share that
news with each other or.
It's actually someone you
know sort of. It was Ted.
McGooch Yeah.
I mean, that's not his
real last name, but.
You were with
Mr. McGooch?
W-Where did you go?
An underwater circus?
Yeah, [LAUGHS] actually.
I mean, it was above water, obviously,
uh, and it was less of a circus circus
and more of a sex club
with a circus theme?
I just have to say I-I'm
I was really, really nervous
when we started this, you know,
because I was like, "Can
people even be casual?"
But
this is what I came to New York for,
to be free and to try
all kinds of new things
- [DRUMROLL]
- [LINDSAY'S VOICE FADES]
There once lived a
boy, or rather, a man ♪
Who loved a young woman
and hatched a great plan ♪
He thought he should share
all his feelings inside ♪
Those feelings he felt
he should no longer hide ♪
So he hitched up his
courage and ran to her side ♪
Hopin' to open his heart open wide ♪
But I was right there
sayin' "Buddy, beware" ♪
With McGoochy McWisdom
I thought I'd McShare ♪
Oh, there's so many ways you
have not thought this through ♪
Yes, you feel things for her,
what does she feel for you ♪
Your feelings are big,
ah, but hers may be smaller ♪
She may have big feelings
for one who is taller ♪
Or richer or cooler,
this has been the trend ♪
So, think this thing through,
my full-feeling friend ♪
You're a smart-seemin' kid,
keep a lid on this blaze ♪
Your feelings could
burn you in so many ways ♪
TED/DANCERS: So many
ways, so many ways ♪
DANCERS: You've not
thought this through ♪
In so many ways ♪
'Cause there's so many
ways you will not measure up ♪
If you're counting them
now, then the answer is yup ♪
You've no self-assurance,
you always soft pedal ♪
You have no Newbery
or Caldecott Medal ♪
I own my apartment
and prob'ly a boat ♪
Thanks to whimsical,
swim-sical classics I wrote ♪
And a girl on the go
likes a player who pays ♪
And your boat just
won't float in, oh, sss ♪
- DANCERS: So many ways ♪
- So many ways ♪
DANCERS: So many ways ♪
Oh, there's so many ways
you are going to get hurt ♪
Has she been to my place,
have I been up her skirt ♪
You can't know, you can't
know, she will not tell you so ♪
So you'll go and imagine
a slow blow-by-blow ♪
And there in your head,
I'll be so good in bed ♪
You'll concoct that her cooch
likes McGooch there instead ♪
When I do the deed,
every dame's in a daze ♪
My deed does it
deeper in so many ways ♪
TED/DANCERS: So many
ways, so many ways ♪
I have experience, I have the skills ♪
I'm wiser and Pfizer
supplies me with pills ♪
But do what you want, fella ♪
Nerve up and tell her
ya love her and need her ♪
Then wait like Old Yeller,
as she pulls the trigger ♪
And right down you go
like that pitiful pooch ♪
Yes, McGooch told ya so ♪
LINDSAY: Like you were
saying, it made you realize
This was a mistake.
For us to get involved.
That's what I realized.
For a lot of different reasons,
we were better off as friends,
so
I think we should just
do that.
Yeah, I mean, if that's
what you really want.
Absolutely.
♪
[FANFARE]