Up The Women (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 "Now place the metal end of the bulb into the round socket, "aligning the gaps in the rim with the allied part of the bayonet.
" Bayonet?! Did this come with a Mrs Unwin, have you seen a big metal spear - that fits on to the barrel of a rifle? - Um, no.
No, I don't think so.
Um, perhaps ask Mrs Cracken from the Plums Institute? Maybe they used it for de-stoning.
Oh, how exciting to have the Banbury Intricate Craft Circle illuminated by science.
Well, I haven't managed to get the thing on yet.
It might go poof - and set the place alight.
- Oh, yes Do you know, I don't really understand these things, but I'd always assumed that wouldn't happen because the melting point of the glass is higher than the non-reactive gas inside the bulb, rendering it impossible.
Or something.
- Shall I explain it to you? - Er, yes, would you? - Would you, Mr Millar? - Well, when the, er the the, er, the, er, the, er oh, the, er, er, er The filament? Yes, the filament, er, gets heated up by the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, er the Oh - Electricity? - The electricity, yes, yes.
The electricity gets hot and lights up, but it, er, it, er, it, er, it, er, it, er - Doesn't burn because there's no oxygen? - Yes! That's it! That's it.
Do you understand it now? Yes, yes, much clearer.
Thank you, Mr Millar.
Oh, Margaret, what excitement! - Our very own lightning bulb! - Yes.
Mr Millar is cautiously optimistic.
- I'm optimistically cautious.
- And I'm optimistically optimistic.
Frank is marvellous, you can't go wrong with thighs like that.
So good to have you back at the craft circle, Mrs Von Heckling.
- How is your arm? - Oh, fine, dear, thank you.
Why? Well, I heard last week you had the most excruciating tapestry elbow.
Oh, yes.
I could barely pick up a needle.
So you'll be continuing with your Wexford Cathedral cross-stitch today? I'd love to, but I've developed the most horrendous bout of haberdasher's knuckle.
See, look.
I can't do this.
You have an alluring glow about you tonight.
Are you wearing a different collar? Ah, I know what it is! You've taken a lover! In a way, yes.
Oh Sono felicissimo, molto erotico! No, no, no, this is not an affair of the flesh, Mrs Von Heckling, I'm a married woman.
- Well, it's never stopped me.
- No, I have fallen in love Yes? with the women's suffrage movement.
Oh.
Look, they gave me a rosette badge! Oh, really? And today I intend to propose to everyone, and Helen, but mainly Helen, that the Banbury Intricate Craft Circle become the Banbury Intricate Craft Circle Frankly Demands Women's Suffrage! So, no lover at all? No.
No, no.
Although I did write a poem about Ovid last week.
Do you want to hear that? Is it long? Well, it's more like a letter really.
Oh, good.
To Ovid From Margaret- we're on first-name terms.
You were of Roman descent, Wrote epic poems in Latin 'til spent.
I wish to have known you, To worship and own you, But alas I am wed And you're dead.
Is that it? The "spent" bit is quite suggestive, don't you think? No.
I'm here! I'm here! - Oh, good - Helen, Emily.
Ignore Emily.
She is sulking because I've confiscated her EM Forster.
That man's work is nothing but erotic filth.
Any title in particular? Mother.
You're out of bed, I see.
Yes, your charming maid begged me rise for my own good.
Oh! I see we're lumbered with another ridiculous fad that will waste our money and break down every ten seconds.
What is electricity, Mr Millar? Really? Well, it, er, it, er, it w-w-well, it Simply put, Helen, um, it's just electrons travelling along a metal wire carried by energy.
We don't need electricity.
Where's it all heading? Electric hats? Electric shoes? Electric chairs? Huh! Are you sure you're all right up there, Mr Millar? Mrs Unwin, putting in a light bulb is a difficult and dangerous business that requires stamina and concentration.
So, if you wouldn't mind? - Yes, I know.
I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.
No, I'm sorry.
There's definitely something wrong with this bulb.
I'll have to go and get help.
Poor dear Mr Millar, thrust into this modern age with no clue what he's doing.
Ladies.
I'll be back in a mo.
Helen, I wanted to talk to you about something - pertaining to the Craft Circle.
When the circle is convened, I will ask for motions and then you may put yours forward.
- Yes.
But I - Good evening, everyone.
Oh, goodness, it's frosty out there.
I've had to swaddle Mother again and she really does put up quite a fight.
So good to see you, Gwen.
Oh, because of the chill, I've made us two sponges and a ginger parkin.
Oh, well done, well done, Gwen, what a lovely wife you'd have made.
Oh, thank you.
Yes.
It's such a shame about your teeth.
Well, if you'll excuse me I'll just go and prepare the tiffin.
So may I tell you about my In due course, Margaret.
In due course.
- This is not a shepherds' jamboree! - Yes, sorry.
Sorry I'm late.
Liberty and Chastity have been a bit poorly.
I feel so guilty leaving the little rabbits at home when they're sick.
Eva, how are your little rabbits children? Chastity, she's got a tickly cough, Liberty, she's got itchy gums.
And the others? Patience, Providence and Prudence, they were so dreadfully darling tonight at supper.
They performed Little Nell's death scene.
They covered their faces in flour and then they had strawberry jam dribbling out the corner of their mouths to be the blood.
And the others? Justina, Ernestina, Constance and Clemence, they were selling us the little tickets.
And the others? Oh, Charity, Virginity, Abstinence and Moderation, they were playing funerals.
It's utterly their favourite game.
They made themselves little black armbands, so sweet.
And the others? John was playing cricket.
On his own? Well, he's a biter.
I don't know how you manage, Eva, with only a cook, two nannies, a housekeeper and an undermaid.
Oh, you know, we muddle through.
Tiffin! Tiffin! - Oh, ooh - Oh, Gwen, let me help you.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh! - Oh, no.
Hang on.
- All right.
Sorry, cakes, cakes, cakes.
Stay down, Gwen! Stay down! Stay down.
Cakes.
Goodness! Oh, lovely, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
- Can I stand up now? - Yes, Gwen! Yes, yes.
I'm so sorry! I would like to bring this meeting of the Banbury Intricate Craft Circle to order.
There's nothing to call to order, Helen.
We're all just sitting here pretending to sew.
Some of us are sewing, Mother.
Just me then.
- May I put forward my motion, Helen? - Not yet.
If I might recap on last week's circle.
A rather poor turnout.
As we were not quorate, I saw no need to keep minutes, but our faithful wife of the needle, Miss Gwen Rapier Better than wife of nothing, Gwendoline.
has undertaken the task of sewing our very own Banbury Intricate Craft Circle Banner.
How does it look, Gwen? Well, the letters are complete but I thought I would brighten it with an appliqué work border of my own design.
What is that pattern, Gwen? Penis.
I beg your pardon? Penis.
- Oh, peonies.
- Yes.
Yes.
Penis.
I've never seen one that big.
Oh, I have.
Do you not like it? No, no, I think they're splendid splendid, Gwen.
If only one could capture the smell.
How is your Madame Bovary, Margaret? Rather frustrated by the lack of colour in the threads but the bulging eyes are medically accurate.
Helen, might I address? Not yet! When I invite anyone to put a motion, then you may speak.
How is your Battle of Waterloo coming along, Helen? Yes, well, it it's quite a challenging subject.
Yes, indeed.
Why don't you show us? No, no.
No need.
Oh, do.
- No, no, no.
- Oh, yes, do! - You must! - Come on, Helen! Well, the challenging aspect is in capturing the motion of the horses.
Will it be a cushion cover? Yes.
No.
Possibly a chair panel for the guest room.
Mr Millar! Where have you been secreting this delightful neophyte? You remember Thomas, Reverend Grisham's little boy? So grown! Mrs Unwin, Miss Rapier, Mrs Bute.
Miss Emily Right, Master Grisham, let's see what the undergraduate can do.
He's a medical student! Let me see the instructions, Mr Millar.
"Push, then twist the bulb to insert the metal bayonet "into its corresponding niches.
" And Ah! It's in! - Is it? - Yes.
Ladies, it's in! Oh, well, that's one job we'll neverhave to do again.
It's so exciting! So how do you light it through the glass? One applies a counterclockwise action to this rotarian knob.
Are you going to turn it now? - Yes.
- Oh, goodness.
Sit down, Emily.
Shall I dim the gas lights for extra effect? - Why not? - Yeah.
- Whoo! - Now shade your eyes, ladies.
This bulb is the full 40 watts, better safe than sorry.
- Ridiculous.
- Shall we count down? Ooh, yes, let's! 100! 99! 98! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Electricity! Ah Oh I think perhaps the bulb is faulty.
Well, I have another one.
Ladies, we shall be back anon.
It's very dim.
How would one read? One would pick up a book.
Yes, it's hard to see how this would replace the candle.
My Charlie says that electricity is going to keep women off their feet.
Yes, he clearly prefers them on their backs.
Well, that's never going to catch on.
Would now be a good time, Helen? - Wait! - I really would like to Does anyone have a motion they wish to put forward? Yes.
Is it safe to look now? Oh, yes.
Yes, Gwen.
Oh I have something I would like to discuss.
Does anyone have a motion they would like to put forward? Yes, I do.
Yes, I do have a motion I would like to put forward.
Margaret? - Yes.
- Please proceed.
Thank you, Helen.
Um, when I was in London Not at all.
on my yearly outing visiting my mother-in-law, she took me to The Royal Geological Society's annual lecture on sediment.
Is this a motion or a digression? I may simply precis this part as "Margaret talks silt".
Well, after we parted and I began my journey home, I was accidentally caught up in a women's suffrage rally in Hyde Park.
Show them your badge! - Yes.
- Oh.
Does your husband know you're cavorting with skirted anarchists? No.
Goodness, Margaret! I tell my Charlie everything! Were there no men there at all? Well, none that I could see.
Sounds as much fun as a burst boil.
What was the rally for, Margaret? Women's suffrage.
I don't know what that means.
- Votes for women.
- And your husband approves of this?! Well, I think we've established he doesn't actually know.
- So you're keeping it from him? - Well, no, no, I don't like to tell him because he's been very melancholic since Nietzsche's death.
This may tip him over the edge.
Who was Nietzsche? A bit like Shockheaded Peter, - but much crosser.
- Oh.
Margaret, have you become a suffragette? Well, Gwen, I feel that women should have equal rights in society.
So you are a suffragette! No, Margaret can never be a suffragette.
They're all mannish, flat-fronted bottom-heavy spinsters, aren't they? Sorry, Gwen! Oh, I've read that they've malformed heads and webbed hooves! No, they don't.
She speaks! No, she doesn't.
Sit down, Emily.
What has this to do with the Banbury Intricate Craft Circle? It's my motion that the Banbury Intricate Craft Circle becomes the Banbury Intricate Craft Circle Frankly Demands Women's Suffrage! - Yes! - No! Votes for women! Sit down, Emily.
Women do not need the vote.
The present system works perfectly well.
My husband votes for whom I tell him to vote.
What could be a better system than that? If you could just have been there, Helen.
Hyde Park was thronging with women in purple, white and green.
We all surged forward as one heaving she.
300,000 voices chanting, up the women! Up the women! Up the women! We chorused, united in strength and purpose, singing Margaret, do you wish to turn the Banbury Intricate Craft Circle into a rabid hotbed of licentious freethinkers bent on a path of wanton self-gratification? Yes, we do.
Sit down, Emily.
No.
You see! It's happening already.
I bought you all rosettes.
- Do you want one, Gwen? - Oh, it matches my coat.
Do you want one, Eva? Emily? May I take one, Mother? - Absolutely not! - Do you want one, Helen? No, thank you! Pssst.
Gwen.
- Do you want one? - Well Yes, Helen? I need to speak to you urgently - in the kitchen.
- All right, Helen.
I tell you what might be fun.
Why don't you bring your cakes and your sewing basket? Yes, Helen.
How quickly can you make me a rosette? How big do you want it? This big.
Do you want any letters embroidered on it? Yes, B-A-S-L.
What does that stand for? Banbury Anti-Suffrage League! But that's Yes, it is, Gwen, and in a moment I shall explain to you how the survival of our very universe depends on this! I'm not sure, Helen.
Do you want the human race to die out? No! Then get stitching! Banbury Intricate Craft Circle Frankly Demands Women's Suffrage.
Yes.
I can think of another F word that might make people sit up and take notice.
Thank you, Grandmama! Fondly! I was going to say "fondly"! Fondly desires? A bit racy, isn't it? No.
What about politely requests? Oh, that's perfect.
Yes.
Yes.
And then Gwen can add the letters onto her banner.
Where is Gwen? Oh, look at your rosette! BASL, what does that stand for? The Banbury Anti-Suffrage League.
What?! It's fine, Emily, Helen's going to save the universe.
I would like to invite you all to the very first Banbury Anti-Suffrage League meeting in the kitchen.
The Anti-Suffrage League? I am the founder member, chairman and secretary.
Gwen is interim head of refreshments and rosettes.
You will of course all be issued with your very own 11-inch rosette once you've joined.
I know you're upset because Margaret's got a bit of attention but for goodness' sake, don't be so childish.
Is it childish to know that this ignorant, innocent, irrational, emotional creature is simply not capable of shouldering the burden of a nation? And what about when she comes to cast her ballot? How will she write with her billowing sleeves in the way? Oh, don't be ridiculous, Helen, Gwen owns nothing with billowing sleeves.
The ginger parkin, Victoria sponge with cream andjam, and 11-to-12-inch rosettes - are in the kitchen.
- Mmm Ginger parkin's baby's favourite.
Emily! Gwen! So sorry, Margaret.
It's all right.
- It's all right.
- What would Mr Moore say, Eva? And what if you were to go on one of those suffragette rallies and die? Think about those poor little orphaned rabbits, with no-one but a cook, two nannies, a housekeeper and an undermaid between them and the workhouse? I'm just going to go and check on Gwen.
She did seem awfully upset.
Mother, are you coming? It is never easy taking a stand, never easy going against the tide of public opinion and standing up for what you believe to be right and moral.
I just feel awful.
I don't want the universe to end, Helen, I really don't, and I know that Jesus would much prefer it if I didn't vote, because he doesn't want to put me under too much strain, and that I am innocent and ignorant and irrational and and what was the other one? Emotional.
Emotional, yes, and I am really so very honoured to be asked to be head of refreshments for the Banbury Anti-Suffrage League.
Interim head of refreshments.
Yes, I know, of course.
But do you think I could just please, please, take Mrs Von Heckling and Margaret a slice of Victoria sponge? No.
I know what went wrong last time.
You're not meant to wash these blighters in the sink before you use them.
Where is everyone? Our suffrage group has fractured.
Helen has started an anti-suffrage league in the kitchen.
Righty-oh.
What are you doing on the board there, Mrs Unwin? I'm attempting to heal that fracture, Mr Millar, with a Persian algorithm.
Good luck.
Would you like me to explain it to you? If you could, Mrs Unwin.
Yes, right, well, we have the hall for one hour every week, factoring in the possibility that the Rare Plums Institute may overrun and calculating that we absolutely cannot encroach on the time allocated for the Horologists League, we split the hour in half.
The first half an hour goes to the BICCPRWS, the second spent discussing the virtues of the BASL.
Both groups are entitled to equal cake, large rosettes and a cup of tea, in conclusion, pleasing everyone.
There's a problem here.
Is there? Are you sure? If you wouldn't mind, Mrs Unwin, may I make a correction? Be my guest, Mr Millar.
Women's suffrage is a fascinating subject, one I am most passionate about.
Are you? I am all for passion of every kind.
Yes, I I think that's correct.
"You can't please everyone.
" Yes, I see what you've done there, Mr Millar.
There's only so much you can get out of books, Mrs Unwin.
I have a first-class degree in common sense.
Have you, Mr Millar? I had no idea there was such a thing.
There isn't.
Oh, right, yes.
Mrs Unwin, if I might just say I have such tremendous respect for your cause, that the essence of a person's character, why, their very soul, can be unseen due to our inability to penetrate beneath the corset bones, weighs as heavy on my heart as if our land were in the fierce grip of a foreign power.
I for one cannot rest until that corset has been has been ripped from the body of society's consciousness.
I am your humble servant and if there is anything I can do, you only have to ask.
Actually, Thomas, I wondered if you'd look at my knitter's knee? Yes?! Hello, ladies.
Helen, may I speak? - Please do.
- Yes.
I've just completed a complex algorithm - Persian - and I've come to the reductio ad absurdum truth that you can't please everyone.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, in layman's terms, what can we do so we can all be friends again? It's very simple.
You ask my opinion, everyone's opinions, then we have a debate and then we vote.
I thought you didn't want a vote, Helen.
Well, I do, so that I can vote against voting.
But then you'd be voting.
Yes, in order not to vote.
Well, that's absurd, Mother.
Be quiet, Emily! Well? - I'm not saying we're not equal.
- Aren't we? - No, we are equal.
- Are we? - Yes.
- Like Newton's third law, equal in magnitude, - opposite in direction.
- You'll get your turn.
But why waste a lifetime railing against centuries of status quo? Quo vadis? Women in trousers, driving motorcars, is that what you want? Oh, goodness, no! Of course not! Mrs Eva Moore, look at you, permanently pregnant with 14 children! Only one of whom will be able to vote.
Which one? John.
Oh! You haven't got time to worry about what's going on in Parliament! Much less the head for it! It's like curdled baby's milk in there! And you, Miss Gwen Rapier, you may look like a suffragette - mannish, flat-fronted, bottom-heavy spinster - but inside you have the heart and brain of a sweet, silly dormouse.
Stick to sewing! It's what you do best.
Mrs Margaret Unwin, I know it's hard to accept that you've read all those books for nothing, but you have.
We're not voting yet, Gwen.
No, I'm not voting, I have a question.
Will I still be interim head of refreshments? - Yes.
- I'll make you permanent head of refreshments, Gwen.
Wait your turn, Margaret.
Emily, you're my daughter so you must do as I say.
Mother, you'll be dead soon so who cares.
- Thank you - In short, women should not have the vote.
We are simple, weak, emotional creatures.
That is all.
Over to you, Margaret.
Um, yes.
If I were to Thank you, Helen.
- Thank you.
If I were to - Not at all.
Does Does an apple know what it will become? Or does it just grow? Does it know if it will become a pippin or a russet? Does it care if it Um, can you judge an apple by its type or - We're not voting yet, Gwen.
- No, a question for Margaret.
- Yes, Gwen.
- Will we have to take up smoking? Er, no.
Oh, good.
Mother has terrible croup.
Is that it, Mrs Unwin? Can we vote now? Sorry! Sorry! Master Thomas, could I ask you to assist me? Oh, of course! Yes.
Thank you.
Yes.
Um, Helen, would you say that Thomas was exactly the sort of person who should have a vote? Absolutely.
Thomas, do you know what electricity is? No.
Would you describe yourself as a strong or weak individual? Weak.
I have a congenital wrist condition, hereditary ganglions, which prevents me from doing sport of any kind.
Excellent, Thomas.
Are you emotional? Very.
Father often says that I I Well, I cry like a girl.
Yes, he does! I can vouch for that! And do any of these things prevent you from taking part in our country's elections? No.
Thank you, Master Thomas, you may sit down.
Oh, and I cannot smoke a pipe.
Ah, yes.
And I I have never driven a motorcar and frankly I think I never will.
Thank you, Thomas.
Who wishes to vote for Margaret's suffrage? - Oh, goodness! - No, no, no, no, no.
I don't think you understand.
Mother asked who wished to vote forMargaret's suffrage, not against it.
It doesn't matter.
I will pose a different question, you simply raise your hands at the same time.
Who wishes to vote againstMargaret's suffrage? No-one.
Landslide victory for Margaret.
Total annihilation for Helen.
Up the women! No, no, they don't understand.
They do understand.
You have lost, Helen, sit down.
- No.
- Sit down.
So we're the Banbury Intricate Craft Circle Politely Requests Women's Suffrage, are we? Yes, yes.
Perhaps you might add the letters onto your lovely banner.
- Oh, yes, over the top of the penis.
- Yes.
Perhaps we should all have a slice of cake to celebrate? No, can't.
Baby's eaten it all.
Ladies, shall we give this bulb a run? - Who'll do the honours? Margaret? - No, no, no, let Helen do it.
Don't want to, thank you.
- I'm lowering up and at it! - OK.
Right Five, four, three, two, one! Electricity! Ooh! Um, sorry, sorry, I think I may have turned the knob too far.