Upper Middle Bogan (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

I'm a Swan

OK, honey? -Hmm.
-I'm home.
You have to get up.
-I'm up.
Come here.
-Oh, OK.
You are up.
- I really am.
-Yeah, you really are.
It's impressive, isn't it? -Well, it's just the result of being wakened during or directly after a dream.
More touching, less talking, I think.
- Sweetie, do you know what day today is? It's a bit lower and just there day.
Oh, I like this day.
Honey? -Yeah? -Do I look yellow to you? -Oh, off topic.
Time to bring the hammer down.
- Because I don't want to worry you but I've had a lot of pain in my knee today so I think I've got bony metastasis.
-No, you don't.
Oh, that reminds me.
Yeah? Look.
Oh, come on! What's that? -Well, that used to be someone's leg, OK? So that's why you're not getting a motorbike.
Take your top off.
Seriously, though, I think I do look yellow.
So what if there's something wrong with my liver? Then this is the last chance we get to have meaningful sex.
So let's make it count.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Oscar and Edwina Happy birthday to you.
Come in my room! I told you! - No, it's my turn! You had it last year! -Oh, aren't they lovely? -Just terrific kids.
Happy birthday, my beautiful girl Oh, my God, we opened the presents in Oscar's room last year.
Yeah, I know.
It's alright, relax.
He's coming.
Hey, champ.
Don't you want to come next door and open your presents? No.
Happy birthday, sweetie.
Do you want to come in Oscar's room? That is so unfair.
-I know but we dropped him, remember, a lot as a baby so I feel like we're still making it up to him.
-Bess? It's Edwina's turn.
-Yes, it is.
But I think we may have wakened Oscar in the middle of a dream.
-Oh! We did drop him a lot, especially on his head.
Can't we just wait till his erection goes down? Um, we might open the presents in the kitchen.
-I think.
Alright, kiddlies, what do you want on your pancakes? Chocolate and ice-cream! Blueberries and banana.
You don't have to be healthy today, Eddy.
You want some chocolate? I just want blueberries and banana.
Oh, Oscar, honey, do you have to wear your doona around like that? You know, I think he does.
I'm so proud of that kid.
Well, you're going to get it dirty.
-Oh, really? It's my reflux.
Is that what you call it? Nanny Margaret! Happy birthday, my darling.
Mum, what are you doing here? How's my big, beautiful You cold? He's covering up his erection.
Pancake, Margaret? Oh, Danny.
I didn't realise I'd be seeing you in your underwear.
Oh, I didn't realise I'd be seeing you in my house so We thought you were coming to dinner.
Well, uh, I didn't want the children to have to wait all day to see their presents and I was desperate to show them the cake.
Oh, I didn't get candles.
Do you have enough candles? Bess.
Don't you think you should have a shower when you come home from work? I'd go easy on those pancakes, darling.
Here you are, my treasures.
Oh, all this running around has made me so thirsty.
Was it yes to a pancake? -Uh, yes, I might just have one small one.
-With ice-cream.
- You don't like ice-cream.
Oh, Nanny, thank you! It's a subscription to the ballet.
I still want you to do it yourself.
It's not too late, you know.
All we have to do is talk your mother around.
-Mum, please, not the ballet thing.
I know you didn't like it, but Edwina's different.
She has the shape for it.
Hey, champ, what'd you score? - A voucher for a maths tutor.
I think it's going to be huge fun.
-Oh, you can't -Bess! It's reflux.
-It's disgusting.
-There is wrong with my stomach.
-Take a tablet! Danny? -Yeah? -Can you help me find the antacid? Yeah, yeah, OK, yep.
You have to tell her she cannot give Oscar a maths tutor as a birthday present.
OK, baby, you know I don't agree with anything Margaret says or does ever but that's a pretty good present.
I will not let her put this kind of pressure on my kids.
This is what she did to me.
Look how I turned out.
I like the way you turned out.
I like this bit.
I like this bit.
I'm enjoying I'm just saying, Margaret made some good bits too.
She made me a nervous wreck.
She hounded me my whole life.
I will not let her do it to my son.
-Well, I Look, I know you can be a little bit Mental! -Highly strung.
But Oscar is different.
I just don't want him growing up feeling like there's something wrong with him.
Neither do I.
That's why he could use some help.
A lot of help.
Well, he's not stupid.
He's pretty stupid.
No, he's just going through that stage that boys go through where they can't access the clever part of their brain.
Honey, he's a mouth breather.
-What? I'm going to go and tell her he doesn't need a maths tutor.
Mum, do we have any candles? Nanny Margaret didn't bring any.
Well, Dad can get some.
-Well, I want 13 for me and 13 for Edwina.
Oh, OK.
Alright, so how many would that be altogether? About 27? Uh, well, it can't be 27.
Why not? Because three and three's six, remember? We're going to need more than six, Mum.
How are we twins again? Oh, my God.
She still doesn't get the double egg thing.
Nanny Margaret! Mum.
Mum? Mum? Oh, my God! Here they come.
Why didn't you tell me you were feeling so unwell? Stop fussing, I'm fine.
Although I wish they'd move me.
I fail to see the point of being a platinum private health member if I'm stuck in here with everyone else.
I know, I can't believe they haven't introduced Gold Class in the public emergency ward yet.
Danny, take the children to school.
Oscar really shouldn't miss any classes.
Oh, yeah, 'cause I've gotta get birthday punches.
Why would you want to get punched, you idiot? When it was Caspian's birthday, we all started punching him and then there was this big rumble and everyone fell down the stairs.
Caspian got detention.
Maybe we should send the school fees to that Nigerian prince who keeps emailing us.
Come on, champ.
Come on.
Oscar, I'll be cross if you get detention.
Even on my birthday? I'm glad you're alright, Margaret.
Well, she's not alright.
She has a serious medical condition that needs constant attention.
Honey, honey, lots of people have diabetes.
Please don't tell me to relax.
You know I don't do that.
Well, you could have gone into a coma.
-If only.
I suppose it makes sense, you wanting ice-cream and being so thirsty.
Thank you.
No, hang on.
They've Um, I am just going to check on your meds.
Could you check on my room while you're about it? Yes! The machine says A.
How's Year 9 chemistry going? My mother doesn't have Type A.
Do you even know what you're looking at? Aren't you even slightly embarrassed? Now some other woman thinks she's got what my mother's got, which is probably leukaemia.
Bess, she doesn't have leukaemia.
She has diabetes.
She had a blood sugar reading of 22.
She didn't.
Are you even listening to me, Sam? My mother doesn't have Type A.
My father had Type O.
He had lung cancer.
I checked his chart a billion times and I am definitely B.
I am sorry to be so It's Type A.
- No, it's not.
- I'm quite good at my job.
Then how am I B? Could you be wrong? Ow, ow, oh! OHe * will be pleased.
What am I looking at? You're Type B.
You Do I look like someone who shoots up? That awful doctor said I'd have to give myself needles.
We don't have the same blood type.
I'm not staying in this injecting house a moment longer.
That's not genetically possible.
They've got it mixed up.
This is what happens in the public system.
This is why you didn't want me to know you were feeling unwell.
You didn't want to end up here.
You've never been to hospital.
Not even to have me.
How do I remove this drip? You're not my mother.
I'm adopted, aren't I? -If you can't organise a single room, just say so.
This is why you don't remember my birth.
Why I don't look like anyone.
Is that why you insisted on taking my birth certificate to the marriage celebrant yourself because you didn't want me to see it! You've got to tell me the truth! I couldn't love you more if I if I were the one who actually Why didn't you tell me? I just wanted you to feel normal.
-I've never felt normal.
I've thought there was something wrong with me every day of my life.
Welcome to my world.
So she's not our grandmother.
She is our grandmother.
She's just not our biological grandmother.
So she's not our grandmother.
Stop saying that! Mum, tell him.
She is.
Of course she's your grandmother.
She's just not my mother.
No, I don't know what she is.
She's like a friend of the family.
No, mate.
Margaret isn't someone we'd choose as a friend.
Whoa! But how did she -Oscar, enough.
I haven't slept for two days.
I'm going to bed.
Can I just ask one more question? What? Would you tell me if I was adopted? Sweetheart, you're not adopted.
Despite what Edwina says.
We would never lie to you.
If anything, my being adopted explains so much.
Your red hair and your freckles and -The 34 candles on the cake? On the No.
Not that.
I wonder who they are.
Who? My parents.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Yeah, what part of you thinks that I would feel like sex right now? The male part? Sorry.
Wonder what they're like.
Well, biologically, they'd have to be smart, beautiful, funny, kind.
Nope, they gave me up.
So how kind can they be? What if they are murderers? Or heroin traffickers? What if they are people smugglers? What if they're not? What if they're terrific and great and awesome people who can't wait to get to know their daughter? They didn't want me then so why would they want me now? Whoo! Yes, Mum! Whoo-hoo! You did it! Awesome driving! Way to go, Mum! Shawn! Come 'ere! Fuckin' hell! -Swear jar, Amber.
My 5'6" ball of champion.
You are, Mum.
That was faster than your qualifying.
No, it wasn't, you dickhead.
Yes, it was.
It was.
008 slower, mate.
How's the knee? Yeah, it's fine.
Have you got that Voltaren, Brianna? Is it really OK, Mum? 'Cause I can drive in the finals.
Yeah, right.
I can.
Oh, like, how fast does the Barbie campervan go? Amber, shut your mouth.
Help your brother with the car.
What's wrong? -It's nothing.
-Why are you snapping? -Jules, it's nothing.
Is it the overdraft again? Did you tell 'em we'd be back on track next month? It's not the bank.
What the bloody hell is wrong with you? I'll tell you when we get home.
No, no, no, tell me now.
Jules! Wayne, do you want to lose the other eye? This woman rang me called Bess.
What, from the bank? Not from the bloody bank.
She was born on April 11th.
It's her.
It's Janice.
Hey, get off, ya fuckin' idiot! Fuckin' hell, such a dickhead.
Don't be smart.
Mum, he's being a dickhead.
I can't believe it! I have a sister.
She's our step-sister, isn't she? No, she's our sister, ya cock-knock.
Half-sister? Mum and Dad are her parents.
She's our sister.
Come on, Amber.
It's a lot for him to take in.
Air is a lot for him to take in.
I don't get how you could give a baby up.
You're the best mum ever.
And Dad, Brianna.
And That's what I meant.
We had no choice, sweetheart.
Didn't Nan and Pop want you to keep her? Well, they could barely afford to keep me.
I was 15 and I'd already left school to support them and your dad was what, 14? Imagine me telling my old man I was bringing a baby home.
You could never get him sober enough to tell him anything.
We would have been living on the streets.
Yeah, we would have.
We had no right to be raising a baby back then.
We did the right thing.
Sounds like she's had a pretty nice life.
So what the fuck does she want now? Amber, swear jar.
Don't be so rude.
She wants to get to know us, that's all.
Bit late, isn't it? She's just found out she's adopted.
She's never twigged that she's adopted? What is she, retarded? At least we know she's definitely related to Kayne.
Hey, Amber, I picked up your entry form for the Bitch of the Year Awards.
Leave him alone.
I've had it up to pussy's bow with you.
Well, don't think I'm gonna meet her 'cause I'm not.
Yes, you are.
I'm not.
And I bet you she'll be after something.
She'll be after money or the house or the cars.
I don't think she'll be after anything.
She's a doctor.
-A doctor? - Are you serious? -Yeah.
Mum, she can look at your knee.
And Kayne's head.
Oh! -OK, that is it! Go home.
-Oh, you're joking.
I bloody well am not! I have had a gutful of your negative attitude today.
Like I fuckin' care what you think.
What any of you think.
You heard your mother, Amber.
Clear off.
And I'll be checking the money in the swear jar.
Go on, go.
If anyone wants me, I'll be at my place fixing up the financial shithole this family's in.
But don't worry about it.
Enjoy your lunch! I'll get it! -You alright? - Don't worry, I'll get it.
I need an Aspro Clear, Mum.
What's happened? Are you alright? Senior Constable Miklis, Mr van Winkle.
Ah, your son Not my son, my grandson.
Bit long in the tooth for that.
Wayne Wheeler.
Had the snip a long time ago now, yeah.
Shawn told me he lives here.
Oh, he does with his mum out the back.
We've got one of those DIY bungalows, yeah.
What's happened? Shawn? What's going on? -This is my wife, Julia.
I'm afraid I caught your grandson with what we call in the trade a hamburger with the lot, no helmet, no registration, no licence and underage.
Right, it's going on eBay.
-Nan! - What have you got to say for yourself, mate? Sorry.
-I beg your pardon? - Sorry, Nan.
Sorry, Pop.
And what about to Constable Miklis? I don't know, thank you? Sorry, for breaking the law.
Without a helmet! God, w-what if you'd come off? -I wouldn't.
Oh, you're that good, are you? Hope you're going to press charges, are you? Oh, I thought I'd just let him off with a warning this time as long as he understands the serious nature of what he's done.
Well, he will do by the time I'm finished with him.
Into the lounge room with you and no Xbox, no laptop, no iPad, no TV, I mean it.
And if you turn any of those bloody things on, they'll go straight back to Harvey Norman.
It's not like we've paid for them yet! Thanks for your understanding.
Shawn's been a bit all over the shop lately.
Yeah, his mum and dad split up a couple of months ago and he and his mum have come to live with us.
In the bungalow.
Oh, we've got plenty of room in the house, but our daughter Amber, she likes her own space.
Yeah, and he's not taking it very well.
Not the bungalow itself.
He quite likes that.
They're pretty good for a DIY.
Deceptively roomy Wayne, I don't really think he wants to hear about the bungalow.
Why don't you go and talk to Shawn? Oh, OK.
Thanks, mate.
So, we done? What'd Nan say about the TV? Sorry, I was meant to turn it off before you came in.
That's hardly the point, though, is it, mate? You're not doing yourself any favours.
Is that Van Gisbergen? Oh, he's good, isn't he? He's very good.
He's got the Allan Moffats about him, I reckon.
If we said no telly, we meant it 'cause we did, alright? I'm selling that bike.
Is she? You couldn't blame her if she did, could you? Yes.
Mate, you got me very confused.
You won't drive in the junior drags but you'll take that dirty old trail bike out.
I don't want to talk about the juniors.
Shawn, listen.
You're a champion.
You're the best driver in the family.
After Mum.
After Nan.
You're getting bored not doing it.
That is why you're getting into trouble.
I'm not racing till Mum and Dad get back together.
You know, when I had my accident and I found out I couldn't drive anymore, I thought, 'That's it, life's over.
' And you know what Nan said to me? That she was going to leave you.
No! She said, 'Wayne Wheeler, you're just going to have to look at this in a different way, ' literally as it turned out, through just one eye.
But you see, having a glass eye isn't so bad.
Do you know why? Because you sometimes put it in Nan's drink? Yeah, but that's a bonus.
But if having a glass eye is the worst thing that happens to me in my life, I'm doing alright.
I'm still here, with my family.
Which reminds me, come and have a kebab 'cause we've got something to tell you.
Come on.
What? Gee, I'm allowed to have food.
I got something to say.
You got your purse ready? I need a new jar.
You need a new mouth! The police just dropped Shawn home.
Out on his trail bike without a helmet.
You're fuckin' kidding me No, no, no! No! The last thing he needs is you yelling at him.
Dad's having a word.
That should confuse him.
Don't you have a go at Dad.
This is your fault.
My fault? Yeah.
You can't be giving Troy the finger every time I win a race.
Did you see the look on Shawn's face when you did that? How is he supposed to feel, seeing his parents at war? No, this is not on, Amber.
- Troy started it.
-Not this time.
Excuse me, who gave me an ultimatum? 'Your mum and dad's team or mine.
You're with me.
You should be doing our books, not theirs.
' I can't believe you're defending him.
-I am not defending him.
It's not my fault they never have any money.
It's not my fault him and his brothers can't fuckin' count.
Look, I want to smack Troy over the head, of course I do.
But that's beside the point.
Your son needs you to behave, Amber.
He can't be getting in trouble with the police.
How could he ask me to leave you, Mum, after everything you've done for us? I don't know, love.
It's like he's just forgotten about when Shawn was a baby.
I would never have finished Year Lucky, weren't you? You and Shawn.
Not like your sister who missed out on everything.
You're meeting her, Amber.
We're all making up for lost time.
It's time you welcomed her into Team Wheeler.
Eat your lunch.
I need to pee.
-You should have gone before we left.
-He did.
Well, we didn't know it'd take this long.
-It's coming up here on the left.
Why couldn't they come to our place? - Your mum wanted to meet somewhere neutral.
Switzerland would have been closer.
- You didn't have to come, Margaret.
Are they from Switzerland? Ow! -Guys, guys, guys, shoosh.
We need to find the barbecues.
Well, there's nothing neutral about that bird.
If that bonnet has a scratch on it, I'm selling that bloody iPod.
Ah! Bloody ouch! Don't play so hard! Stop! Fuckin' two-litre diesel.
Honey? I don't think I can do this.
It's not too late to change your mind.
Yes, it is.
They're standing right there.
-I need to pee! And you don't want Oscar to pee his pants.
OK, OK, OK! Let's go.
Let's go.
They're bogans.
Don't be judgemental, OK? That's Margaret's job.
No, no, I mean, I thought that only middle-class people gave their babies away.
What was wrong with me? Hey, hey, come on.
Come on.
Are you Julie and Wayne? No, I think you might have the wrong barbecue area.
Sorry, he's a bit nervous.
-Sorry, no, we are Wayne We're them.
I'm, uh, I'm Julie.
This is Wayne.
I'm Bess.
You're even more beautiful than I imagined.
Oh, baby.
Look, she's she's got Brianna's eyes, hasn't she? Look, this is this is your sister, Brianna.
And this is your brother.
This is Kayne.
Oh, he looks just like Oscar.
This is Oscar.
This is Oscar.
And this is Edwina.
Hello! -Oh, this is my husband, Danny.
This is your sister, Amber.
We thought she was the only brunette in the family.
And this is her boy, our grandson, Shawn.
Oh! Hello.
Hello! Who's that? Oh! That's my mother.
Kayne, cut up some lemons.
You must be hanging for a beer.
It's not my fault.
I get fuckin' reflux.