Upper Middle Bogan (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

No Angel

Can I test MY blood? -No.
Edwina, what do you think? Edwina? -Sorry, what? -The Bach chorale.
Do you love it? It's nice.
-Can I test YOUR blood? Blood sugar.
It's for diabetics, not vampires.
Will you be able to teach the choir in time for the concert? I don't know.
It sounds hard.
Are you coming to the school concert? Try keeping me away.
Why don't you want to go? Just jab my finger with the pen when I tell you.
I bought you the sheet music.
I don't think it's too difficult for you.
My friend Pat from View Club took me to see her granddaughter's choir sing it last year.
Pat thought it was brilliant.
It was putrid.
I'm bringing her to see your concert to show her how it should be done and to offer a lesson in modesty.
-You already said I'm doing it? You weren't? I might have to quit orchestra to concentrate on it.
You can't! Dad will crack it if you don't play the baboon.
Don't call it that! -Oscar! Just get the pen ready.
Sugar! -17.
Is that good? If it were for the three of us combined, yes.
That's too high.
You should not be driving us.
Just give me a minute.
I'm a diabetic! Hi, Edwina.
-Hi, Edwina.
-Don't interrupt Edwina.
She's cleaning her baboon.
She doesn't want to put her lips on a dirty baboon.
Unless it's like her uncle, the drag racer.
She loves THAT dirty baboon.
-Shut up.
Adriana's only joking.
Say sorry, Ade.
See? She's sorry.
We know we haven't been hanging out much, but actually, we need to ask you something.
What? When you have your first child Next year.
To qualify for the bogan-baby bonus.
If it's a girl, will you call it Kia, Astra or Barina? What are you doing here? -I want to play for Nanny Margaret too.
Who said you're allowed in the orchestra? Mr Papps.
No-one calls him Mr Papps.
-You mean, Mr Smear.
-Ignore them.
I'm allowed to play if I don't drink Red Bull before the concert.
Have you learned how to play that? It looks tricky.
Just bash it.
See? It's easy, you idiots.
Classy! I didn't know Carlton made a sports drink.
Centrelink tell me I have to make child-support payments to you.
What am I, the Red Cross? -No.
-Not happy, Troy.
I have him 90% of the time, and you give me nothing.
Does seem a bit rich.
I fucking wish you were.
-Don't blame this shit on me.
Just 'cause you don't keep track of your tax threshold, like I do.
You obviously earn more compared to me.
Is that where I've gone wrong? -Yeah.
It would be easier not to earn more than you if you didn't earn fuck-all.
Hi, Dad.
-Hi, mate.
Why don't we get back together? Combined incomes.
Combine them? -Yeah.
It's not going to take -Stephen Hawking to add that up.
X plus fuck-all equals X.
I love you.
The chance of us getting back together is the same as your income.
Can we go in? -You're not staying here.
-Why not? -Your father doesn't have the means to support you.
-Yes, I do.
-See? What's the last thing your father bought you? -A Slurpee.
How the fuck did you afford a Slurpee? Come on, Shawn.
Now! Went down to Santa Fe Where Renoir paints the walls Don't.
Fucking don't! I've just cleaned my reed.
Fancy a bit of Mozart's K 191? Not really.
No? You thinking, what, Stravinsky? I'm thinking, I don't ever want to pick that up again.
What, ever? -I'm so over the bassoon.
-You can't be over the bassoon.
When you're tired of the bassoon, you're tired of life it .
That's right.
Let's go.
I hate it.
It's lame.
-Lame? Right! You don't have to try and be my friend.
-No? What should I be, then? Just a dad.
-Oh, an unfriendly one.
Make it up.
That's right.
I can do this later.
I don't have to play this now.
You're busy.
Homework comes first, then fun.
What does Edwina mean when she says, stop trying to be her friend? You haven't tagged her in photos again? -Since when was that not OK? She's growing up.
Haven't you noticed her becoming moody? She's full of hormones, like this chicken.
She's not old enough to be moody, full of hormones like a chicken.
She's turning into a young woman.
-A young woman?! -I know.
Jesus! She's talking about giving the bassoon away.
That's how we connect.
-If you conducted a poll of top father-daughter bonding activities, the bassoon wouldn't get as many votes as you think.
She's lucky.
It was between that and glockenspiel.
It's important that we give her space.
What has she, lost a husband or something? Oscar! Why would they let him bring that home? He needs to practise.
Bash it in time, mate.
Mate, cut it out.
I don't see why she has to push me away.
I'm her dad.
It's like she's trying to hide something.
You don't think she's got a boyfriend? No, no.
She's not ready for a boyfriend yet.
Neither am I.
You're getting there.
I can't hear you.
I can't hear a word you're saying.
Turn that shit off.
I said, off.
If I can't choose where I stay, I should be able to choose what I listen to.
You do choose what you listen to, and it's not me.
The Angels.
Ever heard of Maroon 5? THAT'S music.
Everything OK? Mum and Dad fight all the time.
She won't let me stay at his place or listen to The Angels, 'cause it was their favourite band.
Dad sings that every time they split up.
What song? Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again? Never heard of it.
No way.
Get fucked.
Fuck off.
-Sorry, I just haven't.
I'll send you a link.
-G'day, mate.
-Uncle Kayne.
-Listen, my mum's asked me to find out why your mum's going off her nut.
I annoy her, Dad shits her and The Angles piss her off.
Thank you.
Am I ever gonna see your face again? No way, get fucked, fuck off! Am I ever gonna see your face again? No, way.
Get fucked.
Fuck off.
-Cool, isn't it? -I guess.
-Edwina! I've got to get ready for school.
I'm riding my trail bike.
Want to come? No! How will that help? You'll get in trouble at school, then at home, your mum will ground you, you'll miss some assignment so you'll fail and get grounded again.
What are you going to do then? Ride my trail bike.
Oscar, no devices at the table! Danny, he's got his iPad right in front of you.
Are you still moping about Edwina? -She's unfriended me on Facebook.
I make three comments on a status update, bang, I'm gone.
Don't worry, Dad.
She never friended me in the first place.
What did I tell you about giving her space? Stop being so clingy.
You're making my Cushing's disease flare up.
You don't have Cushing's disease.
I'm pretty sure that I do.
No, you have hypochondria.
If I was a hypochondriac, I wouldn't have Cushing's disease.
You don't.
I think I do.
Because you're a hypochondriac.
So if I had Cushing's disease, I wouldn't be a hypochondriac? Yes.
I think that I do, therefore I'm not.
No, you think that you do, therefore you are.
Can you look up the number for Jim's Philosopher's? Hey! That appears to be a bassoon case.
Do you remember the clingy chat from five seconds ago? Mum, how old were you when you first had sex? I was fairly old.
Yeah, you were.
Oscar, let's look at something outside.
Wait - Jim's Mowing, Jim's Accounting, Jim's Vertical-Blind Cleaning.
That's enough.
How old do think Amber was when she started having sex? She was still at school when she had Shawn, wasn't she? Yeah.
Yep, yep.
But it wasn't part of the curriculum.
What am I supposed to be looking at? The pool.
I'm a bit worried about the pH balance.
Do you think we should put in more p or H? I want to hear them talk about sex.
Come on! I was thinking, maybe that's why Shawn's parents fight all the time.
They were both kids when they had a kid.
Maybe they're frustrated because they didn't get to finish being kids themselves.
That is very perceptive.
How do you know that they fight? Shawn told me.
You've been talking to Shawn? Wow! That is brilliant.
You and Shawn are talking! My two families, coming together as one.
I was just Skyping.
It's beautiful.
Concentrate, mate, please! Does that look like calcium build-up to you? Not, except, what's a calcium build-up? Can we maybe not talk about underage sex over breakfast? We? You ran from the room with coffee streaming out your nose.
She's 13.
She should be talking about skipping, not sex.
This only started happening since with started hanging out with the Schumachers.
She's curious.
She's growing up.
You should try it.
She has been getting friendly with Shawn.
Oh, Christ! Which is lovely for me, to see my two families coming together to make one.
That lot are bloody experts at starting families.
He's just ringing her up.
He hasn't weed in your gene pool.
Did you explain to Edwina that the age you start having sex gets lower the further you live from the CBD? You are the left-leaning man at my wedding? You know what I'm talking about.
No, I don't.
My parents had me when they were young and my sister had a baby when she was a schoolgirl.
You married a bogan.
Spare a thought for me - I married an arsehole.
At least you knew you were marrying an arsehole.
I should have asked for a certificate of authenticity .
bogan features! One, two, three.
OK? Give it a go.
Let's just clap it out.
Are you OK? Shouldn't you have your feet up? You must be feeling sick, 'cause it's morning.
Have you got cravings? My mum had cravings for olives when she was pregnant.
Look! A baby bump.
Right, ladies and gentlemen, if you wouldn't mind Edwina? Hello? Where are you? But where exactly? Edwina! Hi, Mr Smear.
Mr Papps.
Are you OK? Yeah.
I just really don't want to do orchestra anymore.
That would leave us in the lurch.
No-one else plays bassoon.
Does anyone else in the State? It is a hideously unpopular instrument.
Can I still rely on you to conduct the choir? I don't know.
Please, it's going so well.
Also, your grandmother was very insistent on you conducting the Bach chorale.
You've spoken to Nanny Margaret? Well, she spoke to me.
I don't think I'm allowed to speak back.
She can be a bit scary.
Especially when she calls you at home, when it's dark.
Please, Edwina, say you'll do the choir.
Ah, screening my calls.
Fair enough.
Bessie, obviously an apology is required here.
When you get a chance, if you wouldn't mind.
I'm really sorry, Bessie.
I'm just having trouble with this whole other-family thing.
I lashed out, and I'm sorry.
Give me a call, and let's talk it through.
I can't concentrate on work when you hate me.
Not that you hate me, do you? Sorry.
Please don't, 'cause I love you, OK? Don't worry about the certificate of authenticity.
That's fine, OK? Bye.
It's Danny, by the way.
OK, stop with the cats! I shouldn't have to pay for it! The sign said, 'Bikes allowed.
' How should I know that doesn't mean trail bikes? Architecture is an attitude.
It's an attitude to culture, to economics, to sex.
It's not too pretentious Hi.
Are we good? No.
Forgive me? No.
Do you want to talk about it now? No.
Could I stretch it to a two-syllable answer? You are a bloody snob.
Want to go back to one syllable? Where are you? At the park, jogging.
You're jogging? I'm upset.
You never jog.
I'm never this upset.
What's that noise? Some kid, showing off on his motorbike, his girlfriend on the back.
She might be from Throssington, by the look of the .
You're so lucky, you and your dad riding motorbikes.
My dad and I play bassoons.
Pretty neat bit of engineering, these things.
Engine valves.
You can have it.
I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of orchestra and choir and sick of Bach.
Bach? -He's a composer.
Classical music? -I know.
I've seen it on Andre Rieu.
-I don't think that counts as classical music.
No, it does.
Me and my nan went to his concert.
It was all classical shit.
You're a music snob.
-No, I'm not.
You think less of me because I don't know who Bach is.
You think less of me because I don't know who The Angels are.
Only a little bit.
If we put a cone here, it would make an excellent bong.
Who's there? Come here, you pervert! Show your face, you pervert! OK, OK! Put the bassoon down and don't call me 'pervert.
' Oh, my God.
Good afternoon, I'm from the Mormons.
I wonder if I could speak to you about Jesus.
Yeah, it's no laughing matter.
Those blokes can be annoying.
Hey, Pop.
Do you want to go first? Oh.
Shawn, what do you think you're doing, dragging Edwina out of school? He didn't drag me.
I rang him.
I made that up, apparently.
Good on you for admitting it.
I was being sarcastic.
Good on you.
I thought the idea was that we'd discipline these two? Shawn, you've been a dickhead again.
What have you got to say? Sorry.
Good boy.
I fail to see why you're not taking this more seriously.
I AM taking it seriously.
I just use humour to get my point across.
Feel free to start.
We've all wagged school, done things we shouldn't have.
No, we haven't.
Haven't we? We pay serious money for Edwina's fees, and I do not want to see that wasted.
So Edwina's time is worth more than Shawn's because he goes to a public school? No, not at all.
I am not a snob.
Don't think that for a minute.
Bloody hell.
That's all I'm saying.
You should know that Shawn's mum and dad aren't getting on.
Shawn's going through a rough patch.
Edwina has been too.
No, she hasn't.
She has.
I think I know my daughter better than you.
No, you don't.
There you go.
Fair enough, they went too far today.
You shouldn't have filled the tank.
Lighten the mood.
On the positive side, isn't it sweet how they're becoming friends? No! I don't think it's sweet at all.
Edwina is 13 years old.
What's that got to do with it? You had my wife when you were 16.
Amber had Shawn when she was ten or something.
I do not want to see Edwina becoming part of the Wheeler teenage trifecta.
Oh, my God! I can't believe you think that.
You ARE a pervert.
Stop saying that! You are disgusting! All we did was ride a bike.
You talked her into it.
She rang me.
She walked out of school because she's being bullied.
You're being bullied? What do you care? Of course I care! This morning you were talking about how old people are when they start having sex, on top of the fact that you don't want to be my friend.
Suddenly you're over the bassoon.
Your mother tells me you're a chicken, full of hormones.
Who's bullying you? What do they say? Basically the same things you are.
You're no better than them.
I reckon we might be lowering property values, hanging around here.
Come on, Shawn.
Eddy? Edwina, I'm sorry.
I mean it.
I'm really sorry, and this is my apology song.
I agree, it needs some work.
Obviously, I jumped to a conclusion about you and Shawn.
I shouldn't have done that.
I'm sorry.
Honey, I'm just a bit scared that I'm losing my little girl.
You're just growing up so fast.
Not so fast that you should be riding motorbikes.
I stand by that.
I feel terrible that you were being bullied, honey, mainly by me.
It's OK if you want to give up the bassoon.
I don't mind.
It's your decision which woodwind you play.
I'm going to be in the kitchen if you want to talk.
Just follow the sound of the apology song.
It's Dad, by the way.
What are you doing now? I'm putting this bike on eBay tonight.
Why? Number one, I don't want you riding it.
It's Dad's.
That's number two.
Oh, my God.
Can we take a moment before dinner? I sat through eight colonoscopies today.
It was like being stuck in a Spencer Tunick photo shoot.
I never want to see a bum again.
Speaking of funny things that happened today, Edwina won't come out of her room.
Why is my Cushing's disease flaring up again? I don't know.
Danny, what have you done? Let's go the other way.
That's the stage door.
Let's go in the stage door.
I'd like to wish Edwina good luck.
Margaret! I love the smell of backstage, don't you? Oi, Margaret! I think he wants you.
Hm? That man is calling you.
What man? -Margaret! Over here, you goose! That man is calling 'Margaret.
' And tooting his horn.
And waving.
Hello! I didn't see over there.
-Do you know them? They do air conditioning for Danny's projects.
They seem very grateful for the work.
-They're incredibly friendly.
Let's get a good seat.
-What are they doing at Edwina's school concert? Networking.
Come on.
I want to apologise, and to you too, Julie.
I assume you heard about the other day.
Sure did.
I reacted badly, and I'm really sorry.
I'm not proud of myself.
-Neither am I.
I'm sorry if I caused offence.
I didn't mean To be a wanker.
-No dramas, Danny.
You get protective.
Daughters are fragile things.
Well, shall we? -Come on, kids.
Alarm the cars.
Three little maids who all unwary Come from a ladies' seminary Freed from its genius tutelary Three little maids from school Three little maids from school.
How much does Oscar rock? He's like a megatalent.
You could have done something like this if you'd kept up your recorder.
Oscar? See me afterwards, mate.
Thank you, Harley, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and of course, grandparents.
Our next segment features the Throssington Grammar choir under the baton of one of our most gifted music students, Edwina Bright.
Edwina has worked diligently to produce this next work, a Bach chorale.
I very much hope her grandmother likes it.
I mean, everyone likes it.
Everyone here present, not just OK.
Please make them welcome.
If it's half as good as your granddaughter's performance, I'll be happy.
-Thank you, Mr Smear.
Mr Papps.
There's actually been a slight change to the Bach chorale, in that it's not technically a chorale and it's not actually by Bach.
I still hope you'll enjoy it.
I do.
Thank you.
Went down to Santa Fe Where Renoir paints the walls Described you clearly But the sky began to fall Am I ever gonna see your face again? Am I ever gonna see your face again? What she's actually tooting is -I know.
We get FM radio.
Let me know if a well-dressed woman approaches with a sharpened weapon.
But none of them are you I didn't ask her to do this song.
Am I ever gonna see your face again? She's playing the bassoon.
But she is kind of saying Doesn't matter.
-No, it doesn't.
Without you near me I got no place Guess what.
I don't think I've got Cushing's disease.
Wait at the bar Maybe you might show Am I ever gonna see your face again? I've got to stop these tears You OK? Yep.
I've been thinking - you can stay at your dad's.
Really? -It's not his fault he's an idiot.
-Thanks, Mum.
Can I keep my bike? -OK, but your father's paying for the petrol.
He never has any money.
Tell him to cut back on the Slurpees.
Am I ever gonna see your face again? I'm sorry.
That wasn't the Bach chorale I expected.
You must be disappointed.
No way! Yes! Woo! Encore! Everyone, come on! Am I ever going to see your face again? Actually, no.
The end