Upper Middle Bogan (2013) s03e04 Episode Script
Sons of Anarchy
1 - Come on home - Coming home, baby, now - You know I'm waitin' here for you - I'm coming home now, real soon - You've been gone - Coming home, baby, now You don't know what I'm gonna do I'm coming home I know I'm overdue Since you went away Expect me any day now Real soon I'm coming home and nevermore to roam - Baby, tell me you're coming home - Baby, I'm for sure coming home - I'm coming home.
- Come on home.
Oi, come with me and pick up Shawn from the station.
Nah.
I thought he was staying up there till tomorrow.
He's already missed one day of school.
So? Come on! I need you to run in while I double park.
I'm not paying for parking.
Amber, Younis and I are working.
And a hundred.
Go, go, go, go! - Perfect, babe.
- Working? Amber, they are working on getting some new PT clients with their Summer Crunch campaign.
It's a great way to get people signed up.
- What is? - Insta.
We're posting photos of Younis's torso for four weeks.
Every time we do a post, we get, like, six sign-ups.
#beyourself #trainhard #sixpack #eightpack #gymlife #gym #life #photo.
Hashtag do you think you have enough hashtags? I haven't finished yet.
Don't forget #shredded.
That went off yesterday.
She knows all the social marketing tools.
Yeah, she'll attract a lot of tools with that list.
- Mum, do you fancy a ride? - (EXPLOSION) WAYNE: Got the sound working, babe! Whoo! - (EXPLOSION) - Dad! - Dad! - (SWITCHES OFF TV) Jack still has a fat head.
It's either the keystone or the aspect ratio.
What the fuck is this? It's your mum's and my little present to each other a home theatre package that threw in two massage chairs.
Such a good bundle.
We were already loving binge watching Sons of Anarchy, but this has taken it to a whole new level.
Of debt! It's a no payment for 85 months deal, isn't it, Dad? I knew it.
I heard you singing that bloody jingle the other day.
Relax! It's, like, five years before we get slugged.
Try it.
Shiatsu or traditional Thai? I thought you were picking Shawn up.
- Yeah, I'm going.
- I can't wait to hear how he went.
Such a wicked festival.
Is it? Something else for the bucket list, Jules.
It must be nice to have so much free time.
See ya.
No, no, no, Amber, what I meant was I don't think you're picking him up.
What's wrong? What's happened? Nothing.
I nabbed a lift with Ashley.
Hey.
We met on the first night of the festival.
What happened to, "Mum, can you pick me up from the station"? Sorry.
Forgot to text.
- Ashley, do you want to come in? - Sure.
Don't touch my lettuce cups.
I miss this manliness when I'm at work.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh! It's Mum calling from the winery tour.
I wonder how she's travelling with Pat.
Hi, Mum.
Mum.
MARGARET: Stop guzzling the sangiovese.
You not supposed to swallow it.
It's a tasting.
- Sounds like it's going well.
- (LAUGHS) I think she pocket-dialled me.
It's the Barossa Valley, not the Bavarian beer hall.
I would like to see Margaret in a Bavarian beer hall, mainly because it's in Bavaria.
(SLIDING DOOR OPENS, SHUTS) You did not.
You did not.
No, do not send me pictures.
No, I do not want to see.
Georgia got a double bed.
All my friends have one now.
Why do I not have one? How was the alumni afternoon? Life-changing.
There was this amazing woman, Josephine Cantonucci.
Oh, I remember her.
She was a couple of years below me.
She's younger than you? God, she's achieved so much.
Not only has she studied for eight years, she pioneered performing neurosurgery through the nose in this country, rather than cutting through the skull, which is so brilliant for so many people, the UN have funded five training clinics across south-east Asia.
But get this she's done a TED Talk.
But did she help with Fruity Friday during her daughter's primary school years? I've never been interested in medicine before but I think she really changed my mind.
I wonder if I could do my work experience with her.
You've never thought about doing medicine? - No.
- Really? - Nup.
- Even though I'm in medicine? (PHONE BEEPS) Oh, well, I think I mean, you know, actual medicine.
You know, the doctors doing the actual surgery, not just anaesthetist stuff.
Georgia didn't get a double bed.
She got a queen! That is so unfair! This house is so last century.
Personally, I think Fruity Friday really had an impact.
Ah, so I'm kind of heading back via the coast to the western districts.
Ooh, could I grab one of those? Nan, she's 21.
So, yeah, this is kind of on my way through to the farm.
Ashley lives on a farm, Pop.
Chicken or the beef? (CHUCKLES) Biodynamic vegetables.
It's a holistic approach to agriculture.
It's a Steiner thing.
- Rudolf Steiner? - Is he on Insta? I'm vegan.
Right.
She doesn't eat animal products.
Yeah, no, sorry.
Cheese comes from the moo moo cow.
- You fuckin' fuckin' idiot.
- Amber, that's a double.
Ashley, you should check that beer's organic.
What's your star sign? Oh, Mum, Ashley's amazing with star signs and tarots - I'm a little bit psychic.
- Really? I think I'm a bit like that too.
I always know when it's gonna rain.
- Ow! - Did you know I was gonna hit you? - I need to pee.
- Oh, yeah.
Just down a bit, then left.
- You're going out with her? - No.
Then what was that when you showed her the toilet? Is that just how vegans say thank you? Ashley's not into labels, Mum.
Except for holistic, biodynamic, psychic, Steiner She's not into relationship labels.
Ashley says we're all just floating particles Fuck me.
Well, your floating particles need to get together and do their homework.
- Mum - A, she is too old for you.
B, she has a puppy paw neck tatt.
C, that is a Kia Rio fuckin' hatchback.
D, she lives 300 kays away.
- (TOILET FLUSHES) - Hey, guys, I was thinking Basin's just back a bit if you're wanting to wash your hands.
Ah, hey, Shawny, there's this ashram I really want to check out in Melbourne.
Is it OK if I crash here for a few days? - Absolutely.
- Absolutely not.
Course you can stay, love.
We've got a spare room upstairs.
HDMI? Excuse me? Was it 4, Kayne? Why did you say she could stay? KAYNE: For what? Sons of Anarchy off the USB.
KAYNE: HDMI2.
4 is The Walking Dead via the kitchen laptop! Because Shawn wants her to stay.
It'll be nice for him.
You don't get to decide whether a woman who just climbed down from a tree gets to stay with my son.
Of course I do.
It's my house.
- It's our house.
- No, it's my house.
Your house is out the back, and actually (LAUGHS) that's my house too.
Well, good luck cooking for a vegan.
- (ENGINES REV ON SCREEN) - Got it! Whoo! Let's go! Come on, come on, come on! Hey! I googled Jose, and guess what? We were at The Alfred at the same time.
But in different departments.
Oscar, where are all my lettuce cups? You said I should graze on healthy foods before dinner.
That WAS dinner! This is san choy bow.
Great.
Now we'll just have choy.
Or bow.
OK, fine.
We're all going to share this one cup.
Oh, did I tell you that I bumped into Roger today? Who's Roger? Professor Roger Chung, the surgeon.
Yeah? Any relation to Professor Wang Chung? 'Cause we'd all have fun in his surgery.
Alright, you get the small torn bit because you ruined dinner.
No, Roger and I did that 11-hour operation last year.
Oh, my God, Josephine told us she once did a 22-hour operation separating conjoined twins.
Is Josephine still a bit chubby? - (PHONE BEEPS) - I don't know, I didn't notice.
- Anyway, who cares? - No, no-one.
Not me.
No, no, I thought she had that illness that made her a little No, ha-ha.
That was someone else.
No, she was really nice.
She still is.
She's also more than that.
She's, like cool.
She's just got this really chill outlook, which is what I think makes her such an amazing doctor.
Oh, Oscar! I said put on the hoisin sauce.
I prefer Chow Down Hog Barbecue.
You can't just change continents like that.
It throws out the whole meal.
(PHONE BEEPS) (GROANS) - Sista problems? - Sister? You're a sister now? With an A! 'Sista' with A.
Georgia thinks it's hilarious that I'm not allowed a double bed, so she just keeps sending me photos.
Well, we never said that you couldn't have a double bed.
Yes, you did.
No, we said that it was up for discussion.
You said, "You can have a double bed when you move out of home.
" - Dad said that.
- I'm pretty sure we both said that.
I'm fine with you having a double bed.
Oh, my God.
I'm so telling Georgia.
Yep, I know.
Fixing it.
So just to clarify, you can have a double bed, but you will need to buy it yourself.
So that you have the whole rites of passage experience.
And because I've seen what happens to young people with bad backs.
You will need to have a very good quality one, so you'll need to buy that yourself.
But that will take forever with my pocket money.
- (PHONE RINGS) - (GASPS) This will cheer you up.
Nanny Margaret keeps pocket-dialling me.
Hi, Mum.
- (WHISTLES) - Hey there, Georgy girl Swinging down the street so fancy free Nobody you meet could PAT: (OFF-KEY) Ever see the loneliness there Pat, you're dreadfully off with that harmony.
Why do you always get to be Judith Durham? Because you sound deep like Athol Guy.
- (LAUGHS) - Inside you Hey, there - Don't be mad with me.
- You know I can't afford a bed.
Well, you might just need to get a job.
- JOSEPHINE: Thank you.
- (APPLAUSE) In today's TED Talk, I'm going to share a story about how I got up the noses of a pair of conjoined twins.
Speaking of jobs, we need someone in my rooms when you have work experience.
Tracey's going on holidays so we need someone to answer phones.
How would you like to come to work with me? See a doctor in action.
Will I get paid? Well, it's more a work experience rather Yes, you will You'll get paid.
(LAUGHTER) Did you get almond milk? It's in that bag.
Under the big packet of bullshit.
- Ashley doesn't drink normal milk.
- Well, whose fault is that? I don't drink wine but I don't make you go to Kentucky to get me bourbon.
I didn't ask you to go to Kentucky.
I asked you to go to Coles.
It's chill, babe.
Hey, Amber, you didn't tell me what star sign you were.
Virgo.
- Thought so.
Makes sense.
- Really? Because I'm a Capricorn.
Do you want almond milk? Knock yourself out.
I've never made it from scratch.
Thanks, Amber! Awesome idea.
Now, there is also some risk and danger associated with a general anaesthetic, which is why it is such an important job.
- MAN: What danger? - Oh, not much.
Very little, in fact.
My point is, my role in surgery Is to put me to sleep.
(LAUGHS) If only it were that simple.
It's not simple? Why, what's wrong with me? - (PHONE RINGS) - No, no, sit down, Eddy.
- We need to reassure Mr Mr - Filovic.
Filovic, exactly that everything is going to be fine.
Of course.
And that he is in the most expert of hands.
I know.
My surgeon's the best.
Yes, well, obviously that's important.
But the role of an anaesthetist - in an operation like yours - (PHONE RINGS) which is highly specialised and intricate - Having my adenoids out? - Mum, I need to answer the phone.
I guess my point is, when you go under a general anaesthetic, your life is in my hands Bess, there's no-one on the front desk.
- Do you know where Edwina is? - Doctor, I'm coming.
Sorry.
- So my life is in your hands - Oh, you'll be fine.
Sign this.
See you Wednesday.
(LOUD GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS) Mum! (ENGINE REVVING) - Mum! Do you want to go get - (TURNS TV OFF) Do you want to get mani pedis? My shout.
I can't.
We have to finish this off.
We got a cease and desist letter from the internet provider so we have to finish all of season seven.
- You could just get Netflix.
- Well, that isn't free.
Yeah, the fine won't be free either.
Which is why we've got to hurry up.
(GUNFIRE, ENGINES REVVING) - #workout.
- Got it.
- #gymlife.
- Got it.
#crazyabs.
Got it.
Hey, Brianna, my shout for mani pedi.
- #fireplace.
- Fireplace? Have you seen how many fireplaces there are on Instagram? Plus, fireplace equals hot.
That is pure genius.
You are a genius.
#genius #fire #place Alright, alright, alright! I took the last three muesli bars! But only because they were peppermint choc chip and you hate them.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Getting the car ready for next month's meet.
Want some help? No.
Good.
'Cause I have a heap of book work to catch up on.
Pretty intense, huh? Welcome to the public system.
Or Ground Zero, as we call it.
Can I get long macchiato, one ristretto and two lukewarm soy cafe lattes, please? Warts and all.
How different is this from sitting behind the desk in my rooms, right? - Not very.
I'm not doing anything.
- You are working with me.
You're not doing anything other than walking around these corridors really fast.
Are you pretending to be on Grey's Anatomy? - What's your problem? - I don't have a problem, Edwina.
But this country's public health system certainly does.
And so does the guy in the next room waiting for surgery.
And I am just responding to both of them as quickly as I can.
Hey, Bess, are you early? To save lives? Don't think so.
Just here to prep my girl.
Huh? - Sista.
- Prep for what? So what happened? He fell off a roof? BOTH: Yep.
Ooh.
That leg looks nasty.
Can you see that, Edwina? Ooh! Lot of blood.
I'll go and work in the kitchen, shall I? (BOTH GIGGLE) (LAID-BACK MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY) What the fuck is that? It's trip-hop.
They're headliners at the festival.
My stereo, my Maroon 5 playlist.
Well, then we're lucky it's playing from Ashley's stereo.
(BOTH LAUGH) - Turn to me.
- (CAMERA CLICKS) - Hey.
- Crunch it! Tighter, tighter, tighter! - Nice.
- What is that smell?! - Fish oil.
For the glisten.
- Ohh! - Crunch it! - Fuck.
(SIGHS DEEPLY) (LOUD EXPLOSION AND MUSIC) Do you reckon that's loud enough? Good, isn't it? Kayne put in another subwoofer.
(ENGINES REVVING) You feel that? (LAUGHS) When he revs it, it goes right through you! Oh-ho! There's another one! What are you doing? Checking for trip-hop, soft porn photography, motorcycle outlaws.
I don't know what that means.
(SIGHS) All clear.
Sweet.
(ANGLE GRINDER WHIRRS) (LOUD EXPLOSIONS, GUNFIRE, TRIP-HOP MUSIC) (ENGINES REVVING, ANGLE GRINDER WHIRRING) (NOISE STOPS) (DOGS BARK) - Did we not pay? - Why are you asking me? Amber! Did we change electricity companies again? No, remember, Amber said that if that guy rang the doorbell during dinner again, she'd ram the contract up his jacksy every month for 24 months.
Where's Mum? Did she forget to pay? Don't be so rude.
Of course I didn't forget to pay.
Oh, must have shorted, then.
Please, can we switch to three-phase, Mum? I can only weld once you've all gone to bed.
- I turned off the power.
- Why? I wanted your undivided attention.
It's actually a very good way of getting it.
I want my house back.
I want my own space.
There is no room in this house for me! Well, maybe it's time to do something about that.
- Are we extending? - We don't need to extend.
We just need the hanger-oners to clear out! I don't think it's them who need to move out, Amber.
So, Kath, with the muscle laceration in the leg, I guess you're just going to suture epimysium to epimysium? KATH: Mmm.
Mmm.
It's hard, though, isn't it, with lacerated tendons, whether to know to repair partially or just leave them altogether.
Uh-huh.
Would you consider a biomechanical repair? Maybe a harvest of tissue? - What is wrong with you? - Nothing.
Can we do what we usually do and talk about The Bachelor? (TRAYS BANG AND CLATTER) (LOUD MUSIC, ANGLE GRINDER WHIRRING) Should've said something sooner if you hated having me living here so much.
- I'm not the one who hates it.
- I don't hate it.
You only moved back in because you broke up with Troy and maybe somewhere, you thought that when you moved back out, it would be with Troy again.
Now that's not gonna happen, you gotta do it on your own.
Sweetie You gotta move out.
And move on.
Is that why you said Ashley could stay? Maybe.
I'm scared.
You know, I never guessed that in the whole two years you were living here.
It's OK.
It's OK.
There's someone out there for you.
You're not gonna find them living in the bungalow.
WAYNE: You should go on Pinder.
It's called Tinder, Dad.
You're getting mixed up with Pinterest.
Pinterest is that the gay one? You want a bite? (PHONE RINGS) - Mum.
- Bess, what's wrong? - You called me.
- No, I didn't.
You've accidentally FaceTimed me again.
Rubbish.
That's how they hike up the bills.
I just picked up my phone to check the time.
I can't sleep.
- Pat snores like a Mack truck.
- (GRUNTING SNORES) Is that Edwina? She hit her head after she fainted in the operating theatre.
She's not concussed.
She's just tired because I made her do the night shift with me.
Why? Because I want her to think that my job is inspiring.
- Of course it is.
- Well, she doesn't think so.
She only thinks that Josephine Cantonucci is inspiring.
Ooh.
Is she the conjoined twins doctor? Not you too?! - (PAT SNORES) - She's a teenager, Bess.
She doesn't have to approve of you.
I know.
No, you don't know.
You made her do the night shift! - (SNORING CONTINUES) - I have to go.
I need to roll Pat over again.
- Still asleep? - I am sorry.
Stop apologising.
Who knew Eddy would be so squeamish after seeing a severed leg? - I knew.
Edwina's a wuss.
- EDWINA: I am not.
- How you going, sweetie? - Fine.
And I'm not a wuss.
You would have fainted too.
So would Dad.
Uh-uh, I don't know about that.
You fainted when you got a blood nose at Oscar's soccer match! - Classic ref moment, hey, Dad? - That was more from shock.
Caspian had no right to take that free kick.
- I was still setting up the ball - Blood everywhere.
Yeah, and you mysteriously disappeared to the toilets for half an hour.
Mum was the only one who could handle it.
- Yeah, but she's trained.
- Exactly.
She's highly trained and we're all fainters.
I didn't faint.
I hid in the toilets.
Splitting hairs, mate.
She has studied to know how to keep people alive in an operating theatre.
Do you realise what that means? No.
Why don't you elaborate for Oscar's benefit? Her job is to concentrate on that person's consciousness.
Not to be focused on the blood like I was or you were.
It's a high-level skill, you idiot.
Don't call your brother an idiot.
He, like a lot of people, has a slightly simplistic view of my profession.
And I have learnt not to be upset by ignorance.
So, do you think you'd like to be an anaesthetist? Do I still get paid? Oi! You're not taking that with you.
- What am I supposed to sleep on? - WAYNE: This! BOTH: Happy housewarming! Which credit card did you use? No, we drew down on our super.
How much was the bed? Well, we didn't have a lot of super.
We thought you needed something to help get things started.
- You know, if Tinder works out.
- Mum! WAYNE: That's why we got you the best! Memory foam, tested by NASA and used by patients with bed sores in Scandinavia.
Just stick to the NASA stuff, love.
Hey, Kayne, can you get this on the truck? Freeze and clench.
Yes! We're doing cars this month.
Gonna miss you, you idiot.
Ohhhh it's gonna be great.
We'll see each other all the time.
You sure you're right to bring that bookcase over? Totes.
Hey, maybe we keep the old bed for the spare room in the new house for when Ashley comes to stay.
Mum? Mum! OK! Let's do this! So, I've decided I'm not going to spend the money I earned working with you on a bed.
Really? Yeah.
I'm gonna save that money.
Priorities, huh? Yes.
And also, I'm getting Amber's old one.
Amber's old what? A queen fit for a princess.
- Wait, what? - No, don't ruin your toes, love.
We've got it.
I'm taking a gap year.
Ashley and I are going to India.
Like Hamish and Andy? That looked like fun.
What was the one with the monkey and the beer? He wants to drop out of school.
And what do you want me to do about that? What are you doing with my stapler? My taxes pay for this shithole.
You're not educating my son, I want something for my money.
I've come for my stapler.
Oscar! Why are you sending him off like Bear Grylls, having to drink his own urine? We don't want him to feel entitled.
Got the bamboo cooking utensils.
Same Japanese website.
Thermals from Denmark.
He's going to Tasmania, not north of the Wall.
I want to step up to race.
I can do this.
TONY: Kayne, speak to me.
Um Hi, Tony.
You had your eyes shut the whole time.
Not the whole time.
- Come on home.
Oi, come with me and pick up Shawn from the station.
Nah.
I thought he was staying up there till tomorrow.
He's already missed one day of school.
So? Come on! I need you to run in while I double park.
I'm not paying for parking.
Amber, Younis and I are working.
And a hundred.
Go, go, go, go! - Perfect, babe.
- Working? Amber, they are working on getting some new PT clients with their Summer Crunch campaign.
It's a great way to get people signed up.
- What is? - Insta.
We're posting photos of Younis's torso for four weeks.
Every time we do a post, we get, like, six sign-ups.
#beyourself #trainhard #sixpack #eightpack #gymlife #gym #life #photo.
Hashtag do you think you have enough hashtags? I haven't finished yet.
Don't forget #shredded.
That went off yesterday.
She knows all the social marketing tools.
Yeah, she'll attract a lot of tools with that list.
- Mum, do you fancy a ride? - (EXPLOSION) WAYNE: Got the sound working, babe! Whoo! - (EXPLOSION) - Dad! - Dad! - (SWITCHES OFF TV) Jack still has a fat head.
It's either the keystone or the aspect ratio.
What the fuck is this? It's your mum's and my little present to each other a home theatre package that threw in two massage chairs.
Such a good bundle.
We were already loving binge watching Sons of Anarchy, but this has taken it to a whole new level.
Of debt! It's a no payment for 85 months deal, isn't it, Dad? I knew it.
I heard you singing that bloody jingle the other day.
Relax! It's, like, five years before we get slugged.
Try it.
Shiatsu or traditional Thai? I thought you were picking Shawn up.
- Yeah, I'm going.
- I can't wait to hear how he went.
Such a wicked festival.
Is it? Something else for the bucket list, Jules.
It must be nice to have so much free time.
See ya.
No, no, no, Amber, what I meant was I don't think you're picking him up.
What's wrong? What's happened? Nothing.
I nabbed a lift with Ashley.
Hey.
We met on the first night of the festival.
What happened to, "Mum, can you pick me up from the station"? Sorry.
Forgot to text.
- Ashley, do you want to come in? - Sure.
Don't touch my lettuce cups.
I miss this manliness when I'm at work.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh! It's Mum calling from the winery tour.
I wonder how she's travelling with Pat.
Hi, Mum.
Mum.
MARGARET: Stop guzzling the sangiovese.
You not supposed to swallow it.
It's a tasting.
- Sounds like it's going well.
- (LAUGHS) I think she pocket-dialled me.
It's the Barossa Valley, not the Bavarian beer hall.
I would like to see Margaret in a Bavarian beer hall, mainly because it's in Bavaria.
(SLIDING DOOR OPENS, SHUTS) You did not.
You did not.
No, do not send me pictures.
No, I do not want to see.
Georgia got a double bed.
All my friends have one now.
Why do I not have one? How was the alumni afternoon? Life-changing.
There was this amazing woman, Josephine Cantonucci.
Oh, I remember her.
She was a couple of years below me.
She's younger than you? God, she's achieved so much.
Not only has she studied for eight years, she pioneered performing neurosurgery through the nose in this country, rather than cutting through the skull, which is so brilliant for so many people, the UN have funded five training clinics across south-east Asia.
But get this she's done a TED Talk.
But did she help with Fruity Friday during her daughter's primary school years? I've never been interested in medicine before but I think she really changed my mind.
I wonder if I could do my work experience with her.
You've never thought about doing medicine? - No.
- Really? - Nup.
- Even though I'm in medicine? (PHONE BEEPS) Oh, well, I think I mean, you know, actual medicine.
You know, the doctors doing the actual surgery, not just anaesthetist stuff.
Georgia didn't get a double bed.
She got a queen! That is so unfair! This house is so last century.
Personally, I think Fruity Friday really had an impact.
Ah, so I'm kind of heading back via the coast to the western districts.
Ooh, could I grab one of those? Nan, she's 21.
So, yeah, this is kind of on my way through to the farm.
Ashley lives on a farm, Pop.
Chicken or the beef? (CHUCKLES) Biodynamic vegetables.
It's a holistic approach to agriculture.
It's a Steiner thing.
- Rudolf Steiner? - Is he on Insta? I'm vegan.
Right.
She doesn't eat animal products.
Yeah, no, sorry.
Cheese comes from the moo moo cow.
- You fuckin' fuckin' idiot.
- Amber, that's a double.
Ashley, you should check that beer's organic.
What's your star sign? Oh, Mum, Ashley's amazing with star signs and tarots - I'm a little bit psychic.
- Really? I think I'm a bit like that too.
I always know when it's gonna rain.
- Ow! - Did you know I was gonna hit you? - I need to pee.
- Oh, yeah.
Just down a bit, then left.
- You're going out with her? - No.
Then what was that when you showed her the toilet? Is that just how vegans say thank you? Ashley's not into labels, Mum.
Except for holistic, biodynamic, psychic, Steiner She's not into relationship labels.
Ashley says we're all just floating particles Fuck me.
Well, your floating particles need to get together and do their homework.
- Mum - A, she is too old for you.
B, she has a puppy paw neck tatt.
C, that is a Kia Rio fuckin' hatchback.
D, she lives 300 kays away.
- (TOILET FLUSHES) - Hey, guys, I was thinking Basin's just back a bit if you're wanting to wash your hands.
Ah, hey, Shawny, there's this ashram I really want to check out in Melbourne.
Is it OK if I crash here for a few days? - Absolutely.
- Absolutely not.
Course you can stay, love.
We've got a spare room upstairs.
HDMI? Excuse me? Was it 4, Kayne? Why did you say she could stay? KAYNE: For what? Sons of Anarchy off the USB.
KAYNE: HDMI2.
4 is The Walking Dead via the kitchen laptop! Because Shawn wants her to stay.
It'll be nice for him.
You don't get to decide whether a woman who just climbed down from a tree gets to stay with my son.
Of course I do.
It's my house.
- It's our house.
- No, it's my house.
Your house is out the back, and actually (LAUGHS) that's my house too.
Well, good luck cooking for a vegan.
- (ENGINES REV ON SCREEN) - Got it! Whoo! Let's go! Come on, come on, come on! Hey! I googled Jose, and guess what? We were at The Alfred at the same time.
But in different departments.
Oscar, where are all my lettuce cups? You said I should graze on healthy foods before dinner.
That WAS dinner! This is san choy bow.
Great.
Now we'll just have choy.
Or bow.
OK, fine.
We're all going to share this one cup.
Oh, did I tell you that I bumped into Roger today? Who's Roger? Professor Roger Chung, the surgeon.
Yeah? Any relation to Professor Wang Chung? 'Cause we'd all have fun in his surgery.
Alright, you get the small torn bit because you ruined dinner.
No, Roger and I did that 11-hour operation last year.
Oh, my God, Josephine told us she once did a 22-hour operation separating conjoined twins.
Is Josephine still a bit chubby? - (PHONE BEEPS) - I don't know, I didn't notice.
- Anyway, who cares? - No, no-one.
Not me.
No, no, I thought she had that illness that made her a little No, ha-ha.
That was someone else.
No, she was really nice.
She still is.
She's also more than that.
She's, like cool.
She's just got this really chill outlook, which is what I think makes her such an amazing doctor.
Oh, Oscar! I said put on the hoisin sauce.
I prefer Chow Down Hog Barbecue.
You can't just change continents like that.
It throws out the whole meal.
(PHONE BEEPS) (GROANS) - Sista problems? - Sister? You're a sister now? With an A! 'Sista' with A.
Georgia thinks it's hilarious that I'm not allowed a double bed, so she just keeps sending me photos.
Well, we never said that you couldn't have a double bed.
Yes, you did.
No, we said that it was up for discussion.
You said, "You can have a double bed when you move out of home.
" - Dad said that.
- I'm pretty sure we both said that.
I'm fine with you having a double bed.
Oh, my God.
I'm so telling Georgia.
Yep, I know.
Fixing it.
So just to clarify, you can have a double bed, but you will need to buy it yourself.
So that you have the whole rites of passage experience.
And because I've seen what happens to young people with bad backs.
You will need to have a very good quality one, so you'll need to buy that yourself.
But that will take forever with my pocket money.
- (PHONE RINGS) - (GASPS) This will cheer you up.
Nanny Margaret keeps pocket-dialling me.
Hi, Mum.
- (WHISTLES) - Hey there, Georgy girl Swinging down the street so fancy free Nobody you meet could PAT: (OFF-KEY) Ever see the loneliness there Pat, you're dreadfully off with that harmony.
Why do you always get to be Judith Durham? Because you sound deep like Athol Guy.
- (LAUGHS) - Inside you Hey, there - Don't be mad with me.
- You know I can't afford a bed.
Well, you might just need to get a job.
- JOSEPHINE: Thank you.
- (APPLAUSE) In today's TED Talk, I'm going to share a story about how I got up the noses of a pair of conjoined twins.
Speaking of jobs, we need someone in my rooms when you have work experience.
Tracey's going on holidays so we need someone to answer phones.
How would you like to come to work with me? See a doctor in action.
Will I get paid? Well, it's more a work experience rather Yes, you will You'll get paid.
(LAUGHTER) Did you get almond milk? It's in that bag.
Under the big packet of bullshit.
- Ashley doesn't drink normal milk.
- Well, whose fault is that? I don't drink wine but I don't make you go to Kentucky to get me bourbon.
I didn't ask you to go to Kentucky.
I asked you to go to Coles.
It's chill, babe.
Hey, Amber, you didn't tell me what star sign you were.
Virgo.
- Thought so.
Makes sense.
- Really? Because I'm a Capricorn.
Do you want almond milk? Knock yourself out.
I've never made it from scratch.
Thanks, Amber! Awesome idea.
Now, there is also some risk and danger associated with a general anaesthetic, which is why it is such an important job.
- MAN: What danger? - Oh, not much.
Very little, in fact.
My point is, my role in surgery Is to put me to sleep.
(LAUGHS) If only it were that simple.
It's not simple? Why, what's wrong with me? - (PHONE RINGS) - No, no, sit down, Eddy.
- We need to reassure Mr Mr - Filovic.
Filovic, exactly that everything is going to be fine.
Of course.
And that he is in the most expert of hands.
I know.
My surgeon's the best.
Yes, well, obviously that's important.
But the role of an anaesthetist - in an operation like yours - (PHONE RINGS) which is highly specialised and intricate - Having my adenoids out? - Mum, I need to answer the phone.
I guess my point is, when you go under a general anaesthetic, your life is in my hands Bess, there's no-one on the front desk.
- Do you know where Edwina is? - Doctor, I'm coming.
Sorry.
- So my life is in your hands - Oh, you'll be fine.
Sign this.
See you Wednesday.
(LOUD GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS) Mum! (ENGINE REVVING) - Mum! Do you want to go get - (TURNS TV OFF) Do you want to get mani pedis? My shout.
I can't.
We have to finish this off.
We got a cease and desist letter from the internet provider so we have to finish all of season seven.
- You could just get Netflix.
- Well, that isn't free.
Yeah, the fine won't be free either.
Which is why we've got to hurry up.
(GUNFIRE, ENGINES REVVING) - #workout.
- Got it.
- #gymlife.
- Got it.
#crazyabs.
Got it.
Hey, Brianna, my shout for mani pedi.
- #fireplace.
- Fireplace? Have you seen how many fireplaces there are on Instagram? Plus, fireplace equals hot.
That is pure genius.
You are a genius.
#genius #fire #place Alright, alright, alright! I took the last three muesli bars! But only because they were peppermint choc chip and you hate them.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Getting the car ready for next month's meet.
Want some help? No.
Good.
'Cause I have a heap of book work to catch up on.
Pretty intense, huh? Welcome to the public system.
Or Ground Zero, as we call it.
Can I get long macchiato, one ristretto and two lukewarm soy cafe lattes, please? Warts and all.
How different is this from sitting behind the desk in my rooms, right? - Not very.
I'm not doing anything.
- You are working with me.
You're not doing anything other than walking around these corridors really fast.
Are you pretending to be on Grey's Anatomy? - What's your problem? - I don't have a problem, Edwina.
But this country's public health system certainly does.
And so does the guy in the next room waiting for surgery.
And I am just responding to both of them as quickly as I can.
Hey, Bess, are you early? To save lives? Don't think so.
Just here to prep my girl.
Huh? - Sista.
- Prep for what? So what happened? He fell off a roof? BOTH: Yep.
Ooh.
That leg looks nasty.
Can you see that, Edwina? Ooh! Lot of blood.
I'll go and work in the kitchen, shall I? (BOTH GIGGLE) (LAID-BACK MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY) What the fuck is that? It's trip-hop.
They're headliners at the festival.
My stereo, my Maroon 5 playlist.
Well, then we're lucky it's playing from Ashley's stereo.
(BOTH LAUGH) - Turn to me.
- (CAMERA CLICKS) - Hey.
- Crunch it! Tighter, tighter, tighter! - Nice.
- What is that smell?! - Fish oil.
For the glisten.
- Ohh! - Crunch it! - Fuck.
(SIGHS DEEPLY) (LOUD EXPLOSION AND MUSIC) Do you reckon that's loud enough? Good, isn't it? Kayne put in another subwoofer.
(ENGINES REVVING) You feel that? (LAUGHS) When he revs it, it goes right through you! Oh-ho! There's another one! What are you doing? Checking for trip-hop, soft porn photography, motorcycle outlaws.
I don't know what that means.
(SIGHS) All clear.
Sweet.
(ANGLE GRINDER WHIRRS) (LOUD EXPLOSIONS, GUNFIRE, TRIP-HOP MUSIC) (ENGINES REVVING, ANGLE GRINDER WHIRRING) (NOISE STOPS) (DOGS BARK) - Did we not pay? - Why are you asking me? Amber! Did we change electricity companies again? No, remember, Amber said that if that guy rang the doorbell during dinner again, she'd ram the contract up his jacksy every month for 24 months.
Where's Mum? Did she forget to pay? Don't be so rude.
Of course I didn't forget to pay.
Oh, must have shorted, then.
Please, can we switch to three-phase, Mum? I can only weld once you've all gone to bed.
- I turned off the power.
- Why? I wanted your undivided attention.
It's actually a very good way of getting it.
I want my house back.
I want my own space.
There is no room in this house for me! Well, maybe it's time to do something about that.
- Are we extending? - We don't need to extend.
We just need the hanger-oners to clear out! I don't think it's them who need to move out, Amber.
So, Kath, with the muscle laceration in the leg, I guess you're just going to suture epimysium to epimysium? KATH: Mmm.
Mmm.
It's hard, though, isn't it, with lacerated tendons, whether to know to repair partially or just leave them altogether.
Uh-huh.
Would you consider a biomechanical repair? Maybe a harvest of tissue? - What is wrong with you? - Nothing.
Can we do what we usually do and talk about The Bachelor? (TRAYS BANG AND CLATTER) (LOUD MUSIC, ANGLE GRINDER WHIRRING) Should've said something sooner if you hated having me living here so much.
- I'm not the one who hates it.
- I don't hate it.
You only moved back in because you broke up with Troy and maybe somewhere, you thought that when you moved back out, it would be with Troy again.
Now that's not gonna happen, you gotta do it on your own.
Sweetie You gotta move out.
And move on.
Is that why you said Ashley could stay? Maybe.
I'm scared.
You know, I never guessed that in the whole two years you were living here.
It's OK.
It's OK.
There's someone out there for you.
You're not gonna find them living in the bungalow.
WAYNE: You should go on Pinder.
It's called Tinder, Dad.
You're getting mixed up with Pinterest.
Pinterest is that the gay one? You want a bite? (PHONE RINGS) - Mum.
- Bess, what's wrong? - You called me.
- No, I didn't.
You've accidentally FaceTimed me again.
Rubbish.
That's how they hike up the bills.
I just picked up my phone to check the time.
I can't sleep.
- Pat snores like a Mack truck.
- (GRUNTING SNORES) Is that Edwina? She hit her head after she fainted in the operating theatre.
She's not concussed.
She's just tired because I made her do the night shift with me.
Why? Because I want her to think that my job is inspiring.
- Of course it is.
- Well, she doesn't think so.
She only thinks that Josephine Cantonucci is inspiring.
Ooh.
Is she the conjoined twins doctor? Not you too?! - (PAT SNORES) - She's a teenager, Bess.
She doesn't have to approve of you.
I know.
No, you don't know.
You made her do the night shift! - (SNORING CONTINUES) - I have to go.
I need to roll Pat over again.
- Still asleep? - I am sorry.
Stop apologising.
Who knew Eddy would be so squeamish after seeing a severed leg? - I knew.
Edwina's a wuss.
- EDWINA: I am not.
- How you going, sweetie? - Fine.
And I'm not a wuss.
You would have fainted too.
So would Dad.
Uh-uh, I don't know about that.
You fainted when you got a blood nose at Oscar's soccer match! - Classic ref moment, hey, Dad? - That was more from shock.
Caspian had no right to take that free kick.
- I was still setting up the ball - Blood everywhere.
Yeah, and you mysteriously disappeared to the toilets for half an hour.
Mum was the only one who could handle it.
- Yeah, but she's trained.
- Exactly.
She's highly trained and we're all fainters.
I didn't faint.
I hid in the toilets.
Splitting hairs, mate.
She has studied to know how to keep people alive in an operating theatre.
Do you realise what that means? No.
Why don't you elaborate for Oscar's benefit? Her job is to concentrate on that person's consciousness.
Not to be focused on the blood like I was or you were.
It's a high-level skill, you idiot.
Don't call your brother an idiot.
He, like a lot of people, has a slightly simplistic view of my profession.
And I have learnt not to be upset by ignorance.
So, do you think you'd like to be an anaesthetist? Do I still get paid? Oi! You're not taking that with you.
- What am I supposed to sleep on? - WAYNE: This! BOTH: Happy housewarming! Which credit card did you use? No, we drew down on our super.
How much was the bed? Well, we didn't have a lot of super.
We thought you needed something to help get things started.
- You know, if Tinder works out.
- Mum! WAYNE: That's why we got you the best! Memory foam, tested by NASA and used by patients with bed sores in Scandinavia.
Just stick to the NASA stuff, love.
Hey, Kayne, can you get this on the truck? Freeze and clench.
Yes! We're doing cars this month.
Gonna miss you, you idiot.
Ohhhh it's gonna be great.
We'll see each other all the time.
You sure you're right to bring that bookcase over? Totes.
Hey, maybe we keep the old bed for the spare room in the new house for when Ashley comes to stay.
Mum? Mum! OK! Let's do this! So, I've decided I'm not going to spend the money I earned working with you on a bed.
Really? Yeah.
I'm gonna save that money.
Priorities, huh? Yes.
And also, I'm getting Amber's old one.
Amber's old what? A queen fit for a princess.
- Wait, what? - No, don't ruin your toes, love.
We've got it.
I'm taking a gap year.
Ashley and I are going to India.
Like Hamish and Andy? That looked like fun.
What was the one with the monkey and the beer? He wants to drop out of school.
And what do you want me to do about that? What are you doing with my stapler? My taxes pay for this shithole.
You're not educating my son, I want something for my money.
I've come for my stapler.
Oscar! Why are you sending him off like Bear Grylls, having to drink his own urine? We don't want him to feel entitled.
Got the bamboo cooking utensils.
Same Japanese website.
Thermals from Denmark.
He's going to Tasmania, not north of the Wall.
I want to step up to race.
I can do this.
TONY: Kayne, speak to me.
Um Hi, Tony.
You had your eyes shut the whole time.
Not the whole time.