Upper Middle Bogan (2013) s03e07 Episode Script
Row Row Row
1 Come on home I'm coming home, baby, now You know I'm waiting here for you I'm coming home now, real soon You've been gone Coming home baby, now You don't know what I'm going through I'm coming home, I know I'm overdue Since you went away Expect me any day now, real soon I'm coming home and never more to roam Baby, tell me you'll Baby, I'm for sure coming home [SWEEPING, INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
[THUD, DUCKS SQUAWK.]
(DANNY) Ow! Ouch! [WHIMPERS.]
The rowing team is an epic fail.
Mr Vicksnoss is a geography teacher, not a coach.
It's his fault that the stupid boat keeps crashing.
I didn't think that you liked rowing.
That's not the point.
The interschool regatta is next week and I need to participate in order to win the Nancy Dewar Smith Trophy for best all-round student.
Why are Dad's pants down? - He's got an ingrown hair.
- I have a pilonidal cyst on my spine.
- Above your coccyx.
- It's very serious! I have to have emergency surgery on Friday.
Well, it's not really emergency surgery.
I just asked Helen if she could squeeze you in.
Mum, I've worked so hard all year and if we can't finish the race, I won't get the trophy.
Isn't the point that you've worked hard all year? Can you not give me parental advice while you've got your pants down? - Okay.
- I need those points.
Susie Ng is gonna win otherwise because she's doing the badminton competition.
Well, sweetheart, maybe Susie's good at badminton.
That is so racist.
Just because she's Asian, she's good at badminton? No! She's terrible at sport.
Mm I'm not.
- Mm.
- Hm.
There are four rowers in my boat, but you think I'm the weak link? - No! - Of course not.
It's just that you're - You're not particularly - coordinated.
- Remember the shot put? - You broke your arm.
- And the window.
- At the same time.
[GASPS.]
- What about a tutor? - Ah-ah-ah-ah! A tutor?! Could there be anything more embarrassing than a tutor for sport? Having one for religious education? Let's just leave Oscar out of this.
I don't have tutors! You also don't have the Nancy Dewar Smith Trophy! [STOPS WALKING.]
Who do we know that rows? (BRIANNA) And, stroke! And, stroke! How long is that? Three minutes.
How far have I gone? 22 metres.
Girl, you need to be on the rowing machine, like, full-time for six months to be ready When is it? Next weekend.
Can you do before school as well as after? It's not just me! My entire crew is bad.
What happened to there being no I in team? I can't tutor the whole crew.
Yes, you can.
You can coach us! You need to, because we're all - Crap? - Physically challenged.
You have a coach.
We have a clueless geography teacher filling in because the school can't find a replacement.
He doesn't know anything about rowing.
Apart from this machine, and that Olympic foursome that sing about fruit, neither do I.
It's just like this, but on water.
And with no telly.
Nailed it! Please come.
I promise there are girls worse than me that need your help.
Worse?! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, that would be seriously funny to see.
No offence.
[CALLS.]
Shawn? [SIGHS.]
Oh [PHONE RINGS.]
(AMBER) Where the fuck are you? - Hi, Amber.
- Hi, Mum.
How could you not see my note? All you do is eat cereal.
I had to do some emergency babysitting for Dad.
- What's happened? - Nothing.
Dad surprised Michelle with a trip to the Gold Coast that he won in a work raffle.
Mum? What's wrong? "Dad" and "work" in the same sentence.
When did Troy become a functioning human being? I know, right? That's why I'm happy to help.
Even after we've split up, he can still find a way to stand me up for dinner.
Oh, my God.
No.
[SWEEPING, INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
Oh Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Okay, that was more sad than funny.
Why put yourself through this? It's cold, dark, hard and creepy.
There's a homeless guy sleeping in that boat over there.
That's Mr Vicksnoss, our coach.
See why we need you to take over? Why isn't she rowing? Miranda? She's our reserve.
She looks like she could row.
She had a knee operation last year.
She just got out of her callipers.
Please! Babe, no offence, but why would I take on five uncos out here when your mum is paying me 60 bucks a sesh to train one unco in the comfort of my own home? I checked with the sports office.
Coaches get paid 1,500 a week.
That's exactly why! When do we leave? [DANNY WHIMPERS.]
How many stitches was it? I don't know how deep they cut.
I think maybe 18.
- Four.
- Uh But they were four very big ones.
I am worried about you being on your own.
Yeah, and that's why I'm coming to the Murray River.
You can't travel that distance.
You can't even sit down.
- I could stay with you, Dad.
- [WHIMPERS.]
No! No! Never in a million I thought you and Caspian were in the cheer squad.
Only because it's compulsory if you don't make the team.
Cheer squad is lame.
It most certainly is not lame.
Is it, Danny? Well, it is, kind of Ah! .
.
what you make of it.
Exactly! What would the Olympics be like if there were no supporters? The Commonwealth Games? Ah! Okay! Mate, you know what? Cheer squad is just as important as the race.
If not more so.
It's up to you to make a difference.
Baby, I really want to go and support our kids.
No, you want to support the wineries and providores because it's foodie paradise.
- Oh - You're not coming.
You can stay home and binge-watch Game Of Thrones so you stop feeling left out at dinner parties.
- Don't want to.
- It's not scary, Dad.
- I'm not scared of it.
- But every time we start to watch it you get worried about the White Walkers and you hide behind the cushions, and then you go to bed.
Hide behind the I I get sleepy behind the cushions because Game Of Thrones is boring.
It's not scary! Don't you have some cheer squad stuff to get together? Only a maroon T-shirt.
What, that's it? Oh, that's great, if you're playing the lame game.
Come on! Get busy.
Make a difference.
Now! I'm not scared.
You have to buy me cheese.
Mwah! Mwah! Good luck with the coaching.
Is two tubs of powder gonna be enough for the girls for the weekend? You can't give them supplements, you dickhead.
They're children.
[CHILDREN CHATTER ON SPEAKER.]
- You sure you're gonna be okay? - (SHAWN) [CHUCKLES.]
I'm fine.
- Are you at a playground? - Um, sort of.
I'm in a cubby that Dad built.
He built a cubby?! When did he learn how to build a cubby? He didn't.
I'm worried about you being on your own with the kids.
Well, Dad's put all their meals in the fridge and I've got heaps of homework to do anyway.
Say, "Bye-bye, Amber.
" - (ALL) Bye-bye, Amber.
- Bye, Mum.
(JULIE) Amber? We might get a head start, 'cause I don't think I can go much faster than 130 with this much gear on the back.
Are you sure Evan's on his way? He said he had to pick something up.
(KAYNE) Oh, my God.
He sure did! [WAYNE CHUCKLES.]
Belonged to my dad.
He was a mechanic.
Owned a BP servo.
Always doing some trading on the side.
Loved his boats.
And had a terrific sense of humour.
Evan, I could do a graphic to go with that, like a squirrel holding its hands between its legs.
My Dad would've loved you, Kayne.
Oh, she's beautiful, Evan.
Isn't she? Dad, it's an original 308.
Mint! So sexy! Look out, you've aroused Kayne.
You sure you wanna bring it? You might never get it back.
Well, that's the idea.
It's a present for you.
- What do you mean? - I want you to have it.
- The boat? - No, the tow bar.
Yes, the boat.
- I don't I can't take - Yeah, of course you can.
Come on.
Let's go.
(BRIANNA) Push! Draw! Pull! Release! A little harder on your right.
Stretch! Control! Entry! Push! Draw! Pull! Release! Stretch! Oh, my God, girls.
You are literally not unco right now.
Georgia, see how good it is with your eyes open? Gently down that stream.
Keep singing it in your heads.
Duck! Mum can do barefoot too, but Dad's always been a two-ski guy.
(WAYNE) Amber.
- Amber! - Oi! Amber, what are you doing? You're meant to be spotting! Amber, we need your complete focus.
And Dad needs to stay up longer than 10 bloody seconds.
I looked away for what, two, three minutes? Can I remind you, it's hard to judge the horizon with one eye.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Really? I feel like you're upset about something.
I am.
My dad can't ski.
Go! Yes! My girl! Oh, yes! Love it! So proud.
And look at you, Sophie.
Dry! What's that like? We can race, we can actually make it to the end.
We are gonna do more than just make it to the end.
We're gonna win.
Back in the boat, biotches! I have got the sour apple chutney and the blood orange-infused olive oil.
What about the pickled fig? Yes, everything on the list that you sent through.
Are you sure? Because I updated it last night and this morning.
And while you've been in the shop.
[SIGHS.]
How's the wound? Sore.
That is why I want someone to look at that dressing.
- I don't need anyone to - (WOMAN) Yoo-hoo! Don't be mad.
You gave her a key? They don't have anything on my list here, Mum.
I need masking tape, crepe paper, a foot pump and PVC pipe.
Now, you listen to me, Danny Bright, if that wound gets infected, you are looking at three months of pain and when I say pain, I mean, you won't be able to you-know-what me.
For three months? So, let Margaret look at it.
Okay, you are going to need a newsagent's for the crepe paper.
Did you say a foot pump? I told Caspian we need to get the cheer squad to Commonwealth Games standard.
He came up with a great idea.
Turn up? No.
Nanny Margaret and Christopher Pyne will be thrilled with your support for the Commonwealth.
It's great, Oscar.
Get whatever you need.
It's where? It's on my above my buttocks.
- Bess said I had to.
- I know.
What's that? Game of Thrones.
Do you want to watch an episode before you? Yes.
- It can be a bit gory.
- Put it on.
(BRIANNA) Up, up, up, up, up, up, up! Move it! Yes! [HARD ROCK MUSIC.]
(BRIANNA) Push it.
Push it.
Push it.
Yes.
Yes.
Move it.
I wanna take you to the limit Yes.
Think Wesley College.
Yes.
Strathcona Baptist.
Push it.
Presbyterian Ladies.
Give it to them! It's not time for a break.
I've had enough of the exercises.
You don't get to say when you've had enough.
Look, I know you have to look like you're coaching, but seriously, you've done enough.
Just take the rest of the day off.
Look like I'm coaching? I am coaching.
This is my job.
Are we having a break, miss? Yep.
Come and grab a chocolate bar while Edwina does 50 push-ups since she missed out on the jabs.
Now, remember, you can't physically steer and you have no control, but that's the fun of it, yeah? Hilarious! You coming out this time? I'll sit this one out.
Ah, you sat out the last half dozen.
Because I was fired as spotter.
It's 'cause you left your dad out in the water five times.
Four! Pretty sure it was only four.
Well, you haven't had a ski yet.
I'll have a go later.
You don't like the boat, do ya? You're not into the vintage thing.
You like everything modern, that's it, isn't it? No, that's not it.
There is no it.
Then why are you avoiding the boat? You're sitting here reading a dopey magazine.
- We could be out on the river - Fine! You want to see me in the boat? Get in.
Dad! I'm driving.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (JULIE) Jesus Christ! Too easy.
(WAYNE) Amber! Is he all right? [KAYNE SCREAMS.]
Amber! [KAYNE SCREAMS.]
- Stop! - Amber! (WAYNE) Amber, you blew it up.
You're right, Dad! Absolutely no control whatsoever.
(JULIE) What were you thinking? - You could've seriously hurt Kayne.
- Wicked.
Let's look at the GoPro of my stack! That doesn't count.
You know Kayne can't sense danger once he's excited.
I can't believe you'd be so reckless in the water.
And with the boat! Imagine how Evan's feeling.
[EVAN DRY RETCHES.]
(KAYNE) I'm having fun! [SWORDS CLANG, GROANING, GRUNTING.]
[BATTLE SOUNDS END.]
But they can't do that to Ned Stark.
There must be some mistake.
He's the hero.
I hate this show.
Another one? [BATTLE SOUNDS RESUME.]
(BRIANNA) 30-second mark.
Feel the power of your arms, push through your legs.
Your legs are strong.
50-second mark, you can feel a massive surge of energy like when you slam two Red Bulls after a really big night and now you are queens on the water.
That had better be a book on how to win at rowing.
Oh, what a surprise, it's not.
It's about how to lose at rowing by reading instead of training.
It doesn't matter if we lose.
Lower your voice.
I just need the participation points.
Participation points? You're like one of those kids whose mum always praises them for getting a ribbon for 10th place.
You're disgusting.
It's not like it's anything important.
It's only sport.
I get it.
What do you get? You won't try at anything you can't be the best at.
Then you can't say you failed.
That is so not true.
Remind me what the trophy is.
The Nancy Dewar Smith Trophy for Most Outstanding Contribution to School Life.
Hiding behind a boat while your crew does all the work.
Super outstanding.
You're off the team.
You can't do this to me! I'm doing it.
Susie Ng is playing badminton this weekend, which means she'll have more participation points than me.
Someone who was so keen to "participate" really should have participated in training.
You're not gonna let the girls down.
Miranda, put the damn trigonometry down.
You're on the team.
Feeling any better? Stomach-wise, yes.
Embarrassment-wise, no.
Well, you shouldn't have scoffed so much chook before you went out.
Oh, was that the problem? Or was it that I was thrown around like I was in a rinse cycle? Nobody else threw up.
What's the matter with you? Nothing's the matter.
You wanted me on the boat, I got on the boat and you couldn't handle it.
No, you couldn't handle it.
You drove it like a maniac and destroyed it.
It's a 40-year-old Kingswood, it's called fuckin' destiny.
Why are you being so horrible about my dad's boat? Your dad's? Oh, I thought it was mine.
Thought it belonged to me, so I could do what I want with it.
But you know what? Fine, take it back.
- Well, if you don't want it, I will.
- Good.
It's a pile of shit anyway.
I I can't talk to you like this.
That's easily fixed.
Unlike the boat! Sorry for snoring so much last night.
Yeah, you probably should've stayed with Julie and me in our room.
Kayne's nasal polyps really blow up in the heat.
It's all fine.
Couldn't sleep anyway.
She'll be all right, you know.
I don't know.
We haven't fought like that before.
Oh, no, I was talking about the boat.
Amber will still be mental.
Yeah.
She will.
Mmm.
All right, big boy.
Just give me a minute.
Oh, Eddie? Please, can you talk to Brianna? She's still saying that I can't race.
I have told you all due to the volume of complaints, I can only interfere in family disputes that Nanny Margaret has started.
Oh! Oscar? Is the cheer squad meeting early? Caspian and I need to test our pompoms down by the river.
- Oh.
Maybe Edwina can join you? - (BOTH) No! She'll spoil it.
How? From dying of embarrassment? Ah, Edwina, hasn't that arrogance got you into enough trouble already? Oscar, I applaud your efforts.
So, what am I supposed to do? Sort it out yourself.
How bad do I need a wash? Join me for a dip? - Pass.
Have you seen Evan? - Yeah.
He left in his boat.
[RINGING TONE.]
Danny's not answering.
I'll try Mum again.
[PHONE VIBRATES.]
It's Bess.
(MARGARET) Hello? Are you all right? I've been trying to reach Danny.
He's fine.
He's been sleeping.
You're with him now? Again? Oh, I - Is he all right? How's the wound? - I haven't checked it yet.
This morning.
Um, yes, it's healing nicely.
Right, okay, well, tell Danny that I'm on my way to the winery for the rest of his list and can he please stop updating it? Good.
I have to go.
Bye.
- Season three? - Mm.
Warm-up started five minutes ago, Chloe.
What is that? I fell out of the bunk bed and sprained my thumb.
I literally can't move it.
You got lucky.
(WAITER) Two more glasses of the Yapella Estate.
And we'll have two more wheels of that cheese to wash it down.
- [TEXT MESSAGE ALERT.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Edwina's back in the race.
[GASPS.]
We should head back.
Sweetheart, could we have those wheels to go? - [LAUGHS.]
- Evan? Evan, hi.
Where's Amber? Oh, setting fire to a heritage building.
Slashing the seats of an old Mercedes.
- Blowing up an antique store.
- You still mad at her? I see how that was a dumb question.
Kayne fixed the engine? He's amazing.
Terrible polyps, great hands.
Amber is very lucky that Kayne came to the rescue.
Did she apologise? [STIFLES LAUGH.]
That was a dumb question too, Julie.
No, no, she will be apologising after what she did to your beautiful boat.
Well, her beautiful boat.
- What do you mean? - I gave it to her.
That explains why.
Oh, if only I'd known.
I don't get what the big deal is.
You gave her your father's boat.
That is a big commitment.
Okay.
So? Amber is terrified of commitment.
She's terrified of the only commitment she's ever known.
(BOTH) Troy.
What's Troy got to do with me? For 17 years he promised her something and then took it away.
He said one thing, did another.
He told her that he would get a job, pay for Shawn, buy a house never did.
So, when you gave her the boat, she is just waiting for you to take it away.
And that's just what I did, took it away.
I've gotta go.
Yeah, we should go too.
We've got to support Bredwina and lanna.
You two right to drive back? How's the sprained thumb? What did Edwina offer you for your spot? She'd do my humanities essay.
Please don't say anything, I could actually pass this year.
Who's that chick that's going to get the trophy? Susie something.
Plays badminton.
Susie Ng? Girls, it's a drainer that we don't have Chloe's vast experience in the boat because of her thumb, but she can still help us out if she's the cox.
Miranda, get out.
Chloe.
I'm going to be encouraging you all to push hard so that we can continue Throssington Grammar's incredible success this weekend.
We just found out Susie Ng won state championships for badminton.
Why are you taking that off? Thought you'd gone back to Melbourne.
By boat? Yeah, well, that was the plan, but then I remembered how the Murray, it peters out into that salt flat in South Australia and I just wasn't sure about how regular the buses were from there.
(EDWINA) We have to win.
We can't just finish, we have to win.
There is a humanities essay in it for everyone if we - [STARTERS GUN FIRES.]
- Pull! (OSCAR) Let's go, Throssington.
Let's go! Let's go, Throssington.
Let's go! Let's go, Throssington.
Let's go! Sorry for what I did.
Really.
I don't think this is gonna work, maybe we should hook it up to my dad's truck.
It's your boat.
I gave it to you.
You may not want to use it yet ever, but I'm not taking it back.
'Cause I wrecked it.
'Cause it's yours.
(BESS) Go, Throssington! (OSCAR) Let's go, Throssington.
Let's go! Legs! Come on! If Susie Ng can win, so can we.
Susie who? Susie who? I know you're scared, but I'm not Troy.
I know you're not fuckin' Troy.
You've got a bank account and an IQ in double digits.
Shit.
You being Troy's not the problem.
Me being me is.
And Troy's a useless dickhead his entire life until we broke up and now he's got a job and he's cooking and building cubby houses and Why couldn't he do any of that for me? Come on! Don't let a sport like badminton beat you, Edwina! How embarrassing! Pull! - [SQUEALS.]
- I've never seen her move like that.
I said, pull! Come on! (OSCAR) Let's go, Throssington.
Let's go! You and Troy weren't right for each other, but you kept trying to make him right for you because of Shawn.
And that's why I'm in love with you.
You are? Yeah.
And also 'cause you're hot.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[EXPLOSION.]
Are those pompom fireballs? Shot out of a cannon? Wicked, O-man! No, no, no! Edwina, you okay? Did we win? Um [AIR HORN BLARES, CROWD CHEERS.]
We didn't finish?! I agree, it was very irresponsible, but, in their defence, did you see the opening of the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow? - I think I've torn a muscle.
- Which one? All of them.
Sorry for pushing you so hard.
Sorry for being a prat.
I should've tried at training.
But you tried in the race.
We still couldn't finish.
There's always next year.
Oh, next year that trophy is mine.
I'm doing badminton.
If Susie Ng can win Oh, yeah, about that I may have not told you the exact truth about Susie Ng [LAUGHTER.]
[BOAT ENGINE REVS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
The White Walkers are coming.
Ow! Burst my stitches! [MOANS.]
Oh, oh, Danny! Oh, Danny! It's not just any Kris Kringle, it's a special Kris Kringle.
I think I've got a crush.
Our display is finally gonna be better than the Caravellos'.
They've got snow.
Actual snow.
We're in trouble.
I just want one Christmas that's not complicated with two families.
Well, bad fucking luck! I am so tired of you both making me choose.
- (BOTH) How do we make you choose? - I asked you first.
I just can't believe that you won't be here for Christmas.
You can survive one Christmas without me.
I can't! Imagine how people in the street will feel when they see our giant snowman flashing to music.
Probably need to be careful how we say that in front of the neighbourhood kids.
[THUD, DUCKS SQUAWK.]
(DANNY) Ow! Ouch! [WHIMPERS.]
The rowing team is an epic fail.
Mr Vicksnoss is a geography teacher, not a coach.
It's his fault that the stupid boat keeps crashing.
I didn't think that you liked rowing.
That's not the point.
The interschool regatta is next week and I need to participate in order to win the Nancy Dewar Smith Trophy for best all-round student.
Why are Dad's pants down? - He's got an ingrown hair.
- I have a pilonidal cyst on my spine.
- Above your coccyx.
- It's very serious! I have to have emergency surgery on Friday.
Well, it's not really emergency surgery.
I just asked Helen if she could squeeze you in.
Mum, I've worked so hard all year and if we can't finish the race, I won't get the trophy.
Isn't the point that you've worked hard all year? Can you not give me parental advice while you've got your pants down? - Okay.
- I need those points.
Susie Ng is gonna win otherwise because she's doing the badminton competition.
Well, sweetheart, maybe Susie's good at badminton.
That is so racist.
Just because she's Asian, she's good at badminton? No! She's terrible at sport.
Mm I'm not.
- Mm.
- Hm.
There are four rowers in my boat, but you think I'm the weak link? - No! - Of course not.
It's just that you're - You're not particularly - coordinated.
- Remember the shot put? - You broke your arm.
- And the window.
- At the same time.
[GASPS.]
- What about a tutor? - Ah-ah-ah-ah! A tutor?! Could there be anything more embarrassing than a tutor for sport? Having one for religious education? Let's just leave Oscar out of this.
I don't have tutors! You also don't have the Nancy Dewar Smith Trophy! [STOPS WALKING.]
Who do we know that rows? (BRIANNA) And, stroke! And, stroke! How long is that? Three minutes.
How far have I gone? 22 metres.
Girl, you need to be on the rowing machine, like, full-time for six months to be ready When is it? Next weekend.
Can you do before school as well as after? It's not just me! My entire crew is bad.
What happened to there being no I in team? I can't tutor the whole crew.
Yes, you can.
You can coach us! You need to, because we're all - Crap? - Physically challenged.
You have a coach.
We have a clueless geography teacher filling in because the school can't find a replacement.
He doesn't know anything about rowing.
Apart from this machine, and that Olympic foursome that sing about fruit, neither do I.
It's just like this, but on water.
And with no telly.
Nailed it! Please come.
I promise there are girls worse than me that need your help.
Worse?! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, that would be seriously funny to see.
No offence.
[CALLS.]
Shawn? [SIGHS.]
Oh [PHONE RINGS.]
(AMBER) Where the fuck are you? - Hi, Amber.
- Hi, Mum.
How could you not see my note? All you do is eat cereal.
I had to do some emergency babysitting for Dad.
- What's happened? - Nothing.
Dad surprised Michelle with a trip to the Gold Coast that he won in a work raffle.
Mum? What's wrong? "Dad" and "work" in the same sentence.
When did Troy become a functioning human being? I know, right? That's why I'm happy to help.
Even after we've split up, he can still find a way to stand me up for dinner.
Oh, my God.
No.
[SWEEPING, INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
Oh Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Okay, that was more sad than funny.
Why put yourself through this? It's cold, dark, hard and creepy.
There's a homeless guy sleeping in that boat over there.
That's Mr Vicksnoss, our coach.
See why we need you to take over? Why isn't she rowing? Miranda? She's our reserve.
She looks like she could row.
She had a knee operation last year.
She just got out of her callipers.
Please! Babe, no offence, but why would I take on five uncos out here when your mum is paying me 60 bucks a sesh to train one unco in the comfort of my own home? I checked with the sports office.
Coaches get paid 1,500 a week.
That's exactly why! When do we leave? [DANNY WHIMPERS.]
How many stitches was it? I don't know how deep they cut.
I think maybe 18.
- Four.
- Uh But they were four very big ones.
I am worried about you being on your own.
Yeah, and that's why I'm coming to the Murray River.
You can't travel that distance.
You can't even sit down.
- I could stay with you, Dad.
- [WHIMPERS.]
No! No! Never in a million I thought you and Caspian were in the cheer squad.
Only because it's compulsory if you don't make the team.
Cheer squad is lame.
It most certainly is not lame.
Is it, Danny? Well, it is, kind of Ah! .
.
what you make of it.
Exactly! What would the Olympics be like if there were no supporters? The Commonwealth Games? Ah! Okay! Mate, you know what? Cheer squad is just as important as the race.
If not more so.
It's up to you to make a difference.
Baby, I really want to go and support our kids.
No, you want to support the wineries and providores because it's foodie paradise.
- Oh - You're not coming.
You can stay home and binge-watch Game Of Thrones so you stop feeling left out at dinner parties.
- Don't want to.
- It's not scary, Dad.
- I'm not scared of it.
- But every time we start to watch it you get worried about the White Walkers and you hide behind the cushions, and then you go to bed.
Hide behind the I I get sleepy behind the cushions because Game Of Thrones is boring.
It's not scary! Don't you have some cheer squad stuff to get together? Only a maroon T-shirt.
What, that's it? Oh, that's great, if you're playing the lame game.
Come on! Get busy.
Make a difference.
Now! I'm not scared.
You have to buy me cheese.
Mwah! Mwah! Good luck with the coaching.
Is two tubs of powder gonna be enough for the girls for the weekend? You can't give them supplements, you dickhead.
They're children.
[CHILDREN CHATTER ON SPEAKER.]
- You sure you're gonna be okay? - (SHAWN) [CHUCKLES.]
I'm fine.
- Are you at a playground? - Um, sort of.
I'm in a cubby that Dad built.
He built a cubby?! When did he learn how to build a cubby? He didn't.
I'm worried about you being on your own with the kids.
Well, Dad's put all their meals in the fridge and I've got heaps of homework to do anyway.
Say, "Bye-bye, Amber.
" - (ALL) Bye-bye, Amber.
- Bye, Mum.
(JULIE) Amber? We might get a head start, 'cause I don't think I can go much faster than 130 with this much gear on the back.
Are you sure Evan's on his way? He said he had to pick something up.
(KAYNE) Oh, my God.
He sure did! [WAYNE CHUCKLES.]
Belonged to my dad.
He was a mechanic.
Owned a BP servo.
Always doing some trading on the side.
Loved his boats.
And had a terrific sense of humour.
Evan, I could do a graphic to go with that, like a squirrel holding its hands between its legs.
My Dad would've loved you, Kayne.
Oh, she's beautiful, Evan.
Isn't she? Dad, it's an original 308.
Mint! So sexy! Look out, you've aroused Kayne.
You sure you wanna bring it? You might never get it back.
Well, that's the idea.
It's a present for you.
- What do you mean? - I want you to have it.
- The boat? - No, the tow bar.
Yes, the boat.
- I don't I can't take - Yeah, of course you can.
Come on.
Let's go.
(BRIANNA) Push! Draw! Pull! Release! A little harder on your right.
Stretch! Control! Entry! Push! Draw! Pull! Release! Stretch! Oh, my God, girls.
You are literally not unco right now.
Georgia, see how good it is with your eyes open? Gently down that stream.
Keep singing it in your heads.
Duck! Mum can do barefoot too, but Dad's always been a two-ski guy.
(WAYNE) Amber.
- Amber! - Oi! Amber, what are you doing? You're meant to be spotting! Amber, we need your complete focus.
And Dad needs to stay up longer than 10 bloody seconds.
I looked away for what, two, three minutes? Can I remind you, it's hard to judge the horizon with one eye.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Really? I feel like you're upset about something.
I am.
My dad can't ski.
Go! Yes! My girl! Oh, yes! Love it! So proud.
And look at you, Sophie.
Dry! What's that like? We can race, we can actually make it to the end.
We are gonna do more than just make it to the end.
We're gonna win.
Back in the boat, biotches! I have got the sour apple chutney and the blood orange-infused olive oil.
What about the pickled fig? Yes, everything on the list that you sent through.
Are you sure? Because I updated it last night and this morning.
And while you've been in the shop.
[SIGHS.]
How's the wound? Sore.
That is why I want someone to look at that dressing.
- I don't need anyone to - (WOMAN) Yoo-hoo! Don't be mad.
You gave her a key? They don't have anything on my list here, Mum.
I need masking tape, crepe paper, a foot pump and PVC pipe.
Now, you listen to me, Danny Bright, if that wound gets infected, you are looking at three months of pain and when I say pain, I mean, you won't be able to you-know-what me.
For three months? So, let Margaret look at it.
Okay, you are going to need a newsagent's for the crepe paper.
Did you say a foot pump? I told Caspian we need to get the cheer squad to Commonwealth Games standard.
He came up with a great idea.
Turn up? No.
Nanny Margaret and Christopher Pyne will be thrilled with your support for the Commonwealth.
It's great, Oscar.
Get whatever you need.
It's where? It's on my above my buttocks.
- Bess said I had to.
- I know.
What's that? Game of Thrones.
Do you want to watch an episode before you? Yes.
- It can be a bit gory.
- Put it on.
(BRIANNA) Up, up, up, up, up, up, up! Move it! Yes! [HARD ROCK MUSIC.]
(BRIANNA) Push it.
Push it.
Push it.
Yes.
Yes.
Move it.
I wanna take you to the limit Yes.
Think Wesley College.
Yes.
Strathcona Baptist.
Push it.
Presbyterian Ladies.
Give it to them! It's not time for a break.
I've had enough of the exercises.
You don't get to say when you've had enough.
Look, I know you have to look like you're coaching, but seriously, you've done enough.
Just take the rest of the day off.
Look like I'm coaching? I am coaching.
This is my job.
Are we having a break, miss? Yep.
Come and grab a chocolate bar while Edwina does 50 push-ups since she missed out on the jabs.
Now, remember, you can't physically steer and you have no control, but that's the fun of it, yeah? Hilarious! You coming out this time? I'll sit this one out.
Ah, you sat out the last half dozen.
Because I was fired as spotter.
It's 'cause you left your dad out in the water five times.
Four! Pretty sure it was only four.
Well, you haven't had a ski yet.
I'll have a go later.
You don't like the boat, do ya? You're not into the vintage thing.
You like everything modern, that's it, isn't it? No, that's not it.
There is no it.
Then why are you avoiding the boat? You're sitting here reading a dopey magazine.
- We could be out on the river - Fine! You want to see me in the boat? Get in.
Dad! I'm driving.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (JULIE) Jesus Christ! Too easy.
(WAYNE) Amber! Is he all right? [KAYNE SCREAMS.]
Amber! [KAYNE SCREAMS.]
- Stop! - Amber! (WAYNE) Amber, you blew it up.
You're right, Dad! Absolutely no control whatsoever.
(JULIE) What were you thinking? - You could've seriously hurt Kayne.
- Wicked.
Let's look at the GoPro of my stack! That doesn't count.
You know Kayne can't sense danger once he's excited.
I can't believe you'd be so reckless in the water.
And with the boat! Imagine how Evan's feeling.
[EVAN DRY RETCHES.]
(KAYNE) I'm having fun! [SWORDS CLANG, GROANING, GRUNTING.]
[BATTLE SOUNDS END.]
But they can't do that to Ned Stark.
There must be some mistake.
He's the hero.
I hate this show.
Another one? [BATTLE SOUNDS RESUME.]
(BRIANNA) 30-second mark.
Feel the power of your arms, push through your legs.
Your legs are strong.
50-second mark, you can feel a massive surge of energy like when you slam two Red Bulls after a really big night and now you are queens on the water.
That had better be a book on how to win at rowing.
Oh, what a surprise, it's not.
It's about how to lose at rowing by reading instead of training.
It doesn't matter if we lose.
Lower your voice.
I just need the participation points.
Participation points? You're like one of those kids whose mum always praises them for getting a ribbon for 10th place.
You're disgusting.
It's not like it's anything important.
It's only sport.
I get it.
What do you get? You won't try at anything you can't be the best at.
Then you can't say you failed.
That is so not true.
Remind me what the trophy is.
The Nancy Dewar Smith Trophy for Most Outstanding Contribution to School Life.
Hiding behind a boat while your crew does all the work.
Super outstanding.
You're off the team.
You can't do this to me! I'm doing it.
Susie Ng is playing badminton this weekend, which means she'll have more participation points than me.
Someone who was so keen to "participate" really should have participated in training.
You're not gonna let the girls down.
Miranda, put the damn trigonometry down.
You're on the team.
Feeling any better? Stomach-wise, yes.
Embarrassment-wise, no.
Well, you shouldn't have scoffed so much chook before you went out.
Oh, was that the problem? Or was it that I was thrown around like I was in a rinse cycle? Nobody else threw up.
What's the matter with you? Nothing's the matter.
You wanted me on the boat, I got on the boat and you couldn't handle it.
No, you couldn't handle it.
You drove it like a maniac and destroyed it.
It's a 40-year-old Kingswood, it's called fuckin' destiny.
Why are you being so horrible about my dad's boat? Your dad's? Oh, I thought it was mine.
Thought it belonged to me, so I could do what I want with it.
But you know what? Fine, take it back.
- Well, if you don't want it, I will.
- Good.
It's a pile of shit anyway.
I I can't talk to you like this.
That's easily fixed.
Unlike the boat! Sorry for snoring so much last night.
Yeah, you probably should've stayed with Julie and me in our room.
Kayne's nasal polyps really blow up in the heat.
It's all fine.
Couldn't sleep anyway.
She'll be all right, you know.
I don't know.
We haven't fought like that before.
Oh, no, I was talking about the boat.
Amber will still be mental.
Yeah.
She will.
Mmm.
All right, big boy.
Just give me a minute.
Oh, Eddie? Please, can you talk to Brianna? She's still saying that I can't race.
I have told you all due to the volume of complaints, I can only interfere in family disputes that Nanny Margaret has started.
Oh! Oscar? Is the cheer squad meeting early? Caspian and I need to test our pompoms down by the river.
- Oh.
Maybe Edwina can join you? - (BOTH) No! She'll spoil it.
How? From dying of embarrassment? Ah, Edwina, hasn't that arrogance got you into enough trouble already? Oscar, I applaud your efforts.
So, what am I supposed to do? Sort it out yourself.
How bad do I need a wash? Join me for a dip? - Pass.
Have you seen Evan? - Yeah.
He left in his boat.
[RINGING TONE.]
Danny's not answering.
I'll try Mum again.
[PHONE VIBRATES.]
It's Bess.
(MARGARET) Hello? Are you all right? I've been trying to reach Danny.
He's fine.
He's been sleeping.
You're with him now? Again? Oh, I - Is he all right? How's the wound? - I haven't checked it yet.
This morning.
Um, yes, it's healing nicely.
Right, okay, well, tell Danny that I'm on my way to the winery for the rest of his list and can he please stop updating it? Good.
I have to go.
Bye.
- Season three? - Mm.
Warm-up started five minutes ago, Chloe.
What is that? I fell out of the bunk bed and sprained my thumb.
I literally can't move it.
You got lucky.
(WAITER) Two more glasses of the Yapella Estate.
And we'll have two more wheels of that cheese to wash it down.
- [TEXT MESSAGE ALERT.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Edwina's back in the race.
[GASPS.]
We should head back.
Sweetheart, could we have those wheels to go? - [LAUGHS.]
- Evan? Evan, hi.
Where's Amber? Oh, setting fire to a heritage building.
Slashing the seats of an old Mercedes.
- Blowing up an antique store.
- You still mad at her? I see how that was a dumb question.
Kayne fixed the engine? He's amazing.
Terrible polyps, great hands.
Amber is very lucky that Kayne came to the rescue.
Did she apologise? [STIFLES LAUGH.]
That was a dumb question too, Julie.
No, no, she will be apologising after what she did to your beautiful boat.
Well, her beautiful boat.
- What do you mean? - I gave it to her.
That explains why.
Oh, if only I'd known.
I don't get what the big deal is.
You gave her your father's boat.
That is a big commitment.
Okay.
So? Amber is terrified of commitment.
She's terrified of the only commitment she's ever known.
(BOTH) Troy.
What's Troy got to do with me? For 17 years he promised her something and then took it away.
He said one thing, did another.
He told her that he would get a job, pay for Shawn, buy a house never did.
So, when you gave her the boat, she is just waiting for you to take it away.
And that's just what I did, took it away.
I've gotta go.
Yeah, we should go too.
We've got to support Bredwina and lanna.
You two right to drive back? How's the sprained thumb? What did Edwina offer you for your spot? She'd do my humanities essay.
Please don't say anything, I could actually pass this year.
Who's that chick that's going to get the trophy? Susie something.
Plays badminton.
Susie Ng? Girls, it's a drainer that we don't have Chloe's vast experience in the boat because of her thumb, but she can still help us out if she's the cox.
Miranda, get out.
Chloe.
I'm going to be encouraging you all to push hard so that we can continue Throssington Grammar's incredible success this weekend.
We just found out Susie Ng won state championships for badminton.
Why are you taking that off? Thought you'd gone back to Melbourne.
By boat? Yeah, well, that was the plan, but then I remembered how the Murray, it peters out into that salt flat in South Australia and I just wasn't sure about how regular the buses were from there.
(EDWINA) We have to win.
We can't just finish, we have to win.
There is a humanities essay in it for everyone if we - [STARTERS GUN FIRES.]
- Pull! (OSCAR) Let's go, Throssington.
Let's go! Let's go, Throssington.
Let's go! Let's go, Throssington.
Let's go! Sorry for what I did.
Really.
I don't think this is gonna work, maybe we should hook it up to my dad's truck.
It's your boat.
I gave it to you.
You may not want to use it yet ever, but I'm not taking it back.
'Cause I wrecked it.
'Cause it's yours.
(BESS) Go, Throssington! (OSCAR) Let's go, Throssington.
Let's go! Legs! Come on! If Susie Ng can win, so can we.
Susie who? Susie who? I know you're scared, but I'm not Troy.
I know you're not fuckin' Troy.
You've got a bank account and an IQ in double digits.
Shit.
You being Troy's not the problem.
Me being me is.
And Troy's a useless dickhead his entire life until we broke up and now he's got a job and he's cooking and building cubby houses and Why couldn't he do any of that for me? Come on! Don't let a sport like badminton beat you, Edwina! How embarrassing! Pull! - [SQUEALS.]
- I've never seen her move like that.
I said, pull! Come on! (OSCAR) Let's go, Throssington.
Let's go! You and Troy weren't right for each other, but you kept trying to make him right for you because of Shawn.
And that's why I'm in love with you.
You are? Yeah.
And also 'cause you're hot.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[EXPLOSION.]
Are those pompom fireballs? Shot out of a cannon? Wicked, O-man! No, no, no! Edwina, you okay? Did we win? Um [AIR HORN BLARES, CROWD CHEERS.]
We didn't finish?! I agree, it was very irresponsible, but, in their defence, did you see the opening of the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow? - I think I've torn a muscle.
- Which one? All of them.
Sorry for pushing you so hard.
Sorry for being a prat.
I should've tried at training.
But you tried in the race.
We still couldn't finish.
There's always next year.
Oh, next year that trophy is mine.
I'm doing badminton.
If Susie Ng can win Oh, yeah, about that I may have not told you the exact truth about Susie Ng [LAUGHTER.]
[BOAT ENGINE REVS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
The White Walkers are coming.
Ow! Burst my stitches! [MOANS.]
Oh, oh, Danny! Oh, Danny! It's not just any Kris Kringle, it's a special Kris Kringle.
I think I've got a crush.
Our display is finally gonna be better than the Caravellos'.
They've got snow.
Actual snow.
We're in trouble.
I just want one Christmas that's not complicated with two families.
Well, bad fucking luck! I am so tired of you both making me choose.
- (BOTH) How do we make you choose? - I asked you first.
I just can't believe that you won't be here for Christmas.
You can survive one Christmas without me.
I can't! Imagine how people in the street will feel when they see our giant snowman flashing to music.
Probably need to be careful how we say that in front of the neighbourhood kids.