Vice Principals (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Come tomorrow, you will be Principal of North Jackson High School for a day.
Lee and I have some issues to discuss.
I'm getting bombed with complaints from frustrated teachers.
Gamby, what are you doing? I'm giving the drama teacher a glass of water, okay? Actually, can I have a San Pellegrino? My stomach Ah! Stay the hell away from Amanda Snodgrass.
I'm helping Amanda with her novel.
Brian's going to promise you the world if he thinks he can unzip your blouse and slip and slide his privates all over lips.
Be a good man.
Don't tell anymore lies.
I'm not that kind of person anymore, Mom.
(Whoosh, shouting) (Thudding) This patient was flatlining.
Just dead.
And it was like this wave washed over me, and then, everything became so You have a little sauce, right You maybe need a napkin.
This side.
Lee? Christine? Oh, my goodness, Kevin Yoon.
Wow, you are as pretty as ever.
Lee, you look good, too.
What's it been, - almost 20 years? - Yes, must have been.
A long time, a very long time, Kevin.
You look good.
Oh How have you been? Oh, good.
Uh As you know, I had a bit of a rough time in college.
Those, uh, rumors and all.
But after some counseling, I got my life together, - now I run a bank.
- Mm.
Did you two end up married? Yes.
Happily so.
Christine and I are happily married.
And also really enjoying our dinner, so, - if you don't mind - I'm just in town for the week, then I have to head back to the wife and kids in Cincinnati.
Hit me up on Facebook, we'll catch up.
She doesn't have Facebook.
- I do have Facebook.
- You do? Yeah? You're my friend on Facebook.
You are a lucky man, Lee.
It was so nice seeing you again, Christine.
So nice to see you.
(scoffs) That mongoloid valet scratched my fucking dashboard! I should go get my tip back.
God! - Lee? - Yeah? In college, when Kevin and I were dating, you said he was gay.
Now he's married with kids? I don't even remember Kevin all that well.
I didn't I didn't say that.
You did say that when I told you I loved him.
That's when all those rumors started circulating.
That's when he dumped me and left school.
- It broke my heart.
- Well whose shoulder did you come and cry on when you found out? Mine, that's who.
Did you start those rumors? Did I do No! God! What makes you think it wasn't true? Lot of straight guys try dick in college, Christine.
Lucky for us Kevin went through that phase, or else you and I never would have gotten married.
Hey, come on.
Come on.
I saved you.
Okay, let's just drop it.
- Avril Lavigne! - (beeps) (singing along) Singing Radiohead at the top of our lungs With the boom box blaring as we're falling in love Got a bottle of whatever, but it's getting us drunk Singing here's to never growing up (theme music playing) (imitating gunshots) See, I don't understand why Willows can't be out here doing this? You know? I gotta do my job and his job? Solve this goddamn murder? - Attempted murder.
- Nash don't try to lessen what happened to me, okay? I'm looking for answers here and I'm not finding it, and it's pissing me off.
Now back up there.
Let me take a crack at your suspects list, huh? I was a PI in '06, down in Miami.
Did it for about three months to pay off some gambling debt.
I know how to work the streets.
I find that hard to believe.
- Oh, ho.
- Ooh.
What's up, y'all? Making cat's cradles? No, we're not making cat's cradles.
We're reenacting bullet trajectories.
Gamby knows his shit.
I know he does.
He knows my shit, too.
Hey, hey, uh-uh.
Stop, that's morbid.
These are deadly bullets, don't put it down in your privates.
Please, I take deadly bullets there real good.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew - Stop.
- Give me some bullets.
- Pew, pew, pew, pew - Give me my yarn.
Can I help you with something? Yeah, I'm just wondering if you're going to Lee's birthday party? Duh, I'm his best friend.
Of course I'm going.
Do you want to, maybe, go together? Uh, well, bosses and teachers aren't allowed to go to parties together.
It's against school policy.
- Is it? - Yes, it is, Nash, shut up.
Well, you never thought that before when we (mouths word) Well, I made a lot of mistakes last semester and I'm not trying to remake those mistakes.
Well, if I show up there, will you talk to me? Yeah, I mean, if there's something to talk about.
Yeah? There will be stuff to talk about.
So, I accept.
And my bullet catcher accepts too.
I'm not really presenting you anything to accept, so I don't owe you anything.
Yeah, I know you don't.
Of course not.
She seems freaking cuckoo beans.
But her body is kind of rockin'.
You could do worse.
I'd fuck her.
Well, then you fuck her.
I got other plans.
Hey, Swift, take a hike.
Uh, actually, we're in the middle of a conversation.
I know, I was just kidding.
Come on, lighten up, Swift.
(laughing) But seriously, could you meander away for a moment? I just wanted to see (muttering) Oh, yeah.
Okay.
I'll tell you how it goes.
Okay.
I like her.
She's a good egg.
You going to, uh, Lee Russell's birthday bash celebration? Oof, I don't want to go, to be honest, but, um, I have a feeling, he's gonna keep count and punish me if I don't.
- He will.
- Mmhmm.
He's creepy.
So, um yeah, Brian and I will be there once he's finished volunteering at the boys rec center.
- Volunteering? - Yup.
Every Friday and every second Wednesday.
(scoffs) It's amusing how people try so hard sometimes, but it just comes off as pathetic.
It's not pathetic at all.
He's giving much-needed guidance to kids who have no one else to look up to.
You know, some people work with children on a full-time basis and they don't feel the need to write a fucking book about it.
He keeps you on a pretty tight leash.
You know he does that because he's insecure with you being faithful in the relationship.
Oh, no, no.
He's, uh he's very secure.
Are you sure about that? Yeah.
He has nothing to worry about.
Yuck.
Don't you have a class to teach or something? - I do.
- Yeah, go to class.
Yeah.
I'll see you at the party.
Eh, maybe you will, maybe you won't.
I mean, if you go to the party, you'll probably see me because I'm gonna be there.
But it could be super crowded and busy, and if you don't go with the person, you might not even get to speak with them there, so, you never know.
- I will see you, then.
- Lot of mingling.
Tons of mingling.
Whoo! You want to see a master? Watch me work the room at my birthday party.
Guess who RSVP'd? - Who? - Superintendent Haas.
Oh, congratulations.
The guest list is really shaping up, huh? - Watch my shit.
- Get it on.
Watch my shit.
- Look at my shit.
- What am I looking at? Everybody's gonna be at this motherfucker.
You bringing a hot date? No, I'm not bringing a date.
You need to bring a hot-ass woman.
Show Snodgrass you're over it.
You're supposed to be making her jealous.
That is Relationship 101.
I have a master plan.
She used to have feelings for me.
If I can show her I'm a charitable man, not just Brian, maybe I can remind her.
You know jackshit about women.
Fuckwads, leave now.
Not you, Tom Cruise.
What do you want? I want you to be my plus one to Lee Russell's birthday party.
Fuck no.
Well, too bad, it's mandatory, you're going.
And once you're there, you're gonna show everyone what a positive impact I've had on your life and how I've made you a better human being.
But you haven't done any of that, and I don't want to go to your stupid pedo party.
And it's outside of school, too, so you can't even make me go to that.
(babbling) What if I paid you $200? I want 1,000.
Now I know you're smoking DMT.
$320.
No, 700.
You're a whore.
$500.
Final offer.
All right, I'll go.
Cool, but know this.
You will not get one red cent of that money if you make me look like a fool, do you hear me? You will be polite, you will be cordial, and you will also wear this, tucked into your trousers.
Do I make myself clear? Yeah.
I'll pick you up at your mom's.
Hi.
Russell: Mi-Cha! Show these gents where the cake goes! Okay? Hey, how we getting paid for this, man? Motherfucker, you on salary, you already getting paid for this.
- (speaking Korean) - Did you salt the pork? - Last time it tasted like ass butter.
- Lee you asked me to cook for your party, and that's what I'm doing.
I don't need you hovering.
Well, I don't see the steak spears anywhere.
Where are the steak spears, Christine? Christine! - (gasps) - What are you doing? Oh, my God.
Are you communicating with Kevin Yoon on Facebook? We're just catching up.
He is an idiot from the past, Christine.
You need to focus on the future.
More specifically, my fucking birthday party.
What if those rumors weren't true? They changed the course of my life.
You know what, here's what needs to happen.
You need to relax, that's what's gonna happen.
And you know why? 'Cause we have guests coming in 30 minutes.
Take this.
- Open up.
- Is that a Valium? No, it's a Klonopin, take it.
Just Just like that.
Close it.
Now relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Fuck! (fly buzzing) Hi.
Ma'am.
Um, Vice Principal Neal Gamby from North Jackson High School.
I'm here to see your son.
Hey, Robin, get your ass over here! It's another man from the school! You having a good evening? Mm-hmm.
How you doing? Pretty good so far.
My, Robin, what fine fashions you're wearing this evening.
This is the fag shirt you gave me, okay? I'm just doing what you said.
Hey, hey! Do not say "faggot" in front of a lady.
What lady? Me, you dumb son of a bitch! I won't have him out too late.
Hey! Hey! Would it have killed you to dress the way I asked you to? Whatever, you dress like shit, too.
(gasps) How dare you! Listen to me, all right? If you embarrass me tonight, I swear to God, I'll snap your fucking neck! Now let's go into the car, and go have fun at this party, okay? (lively chattering) Brian: Let's try the rosé! It's gonna loosen us up! This was actually taken our first month of dating.
I found the old negative and I blew it up for the new house.
Dang, Christine, you look like a freaking movie star! Well, how is everybody doing on drinks? Jeremy, would you like another glass of the 16-year Lagavulin? Please.
Christine, love the new home.
Yeah, yeah, this place is the digs! Mung a doctor who can provide you with the finer things, huh? Oh, actually, we both chipped in.
Come on, Lee, I sign your paychecks.
What'd you chip in for, the coasters? (laughing) Uh, Christine, Jeremy asked nicely for another glass of scotch.
Do you mind? Yeah, do you mind? Please? Thank you.
Thanks.
Now, you'll have to excuse her.
- She's just a Ah! - (doorbell rings) Somebody else is here.
You'll have to excuse me.
Duty calls.
Both: two, three.
- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday! You gotta be kidding me, Gamby.
What the fuck is Robin Shandrell doing at my house? He's my guest.
Oh, hell no, he's not.
I brought you a present, Principal Russell.
- You did? - You did? Fuck no.
I'm holding you responsible for this child's actions tonight, Gamby.
- Fine.
- I mean it.
- Excuse me.
- Robin! - Snodgrass.
- Evening, Neal.
You've me Brian before.
Yes, we've met.
Russell: Yeah, we collect stuff from North Korea.
- Oh, isn't that something - Neal! Wow, you're here, you made it! Jeremy, good to see you.
Rita, you look breathtaking, - as usual.
- Neal.
And who's your little friend here? Uh, this handsome little bean sprout? This is, uh, Robin Shandrell.
He, uh, is a former troubled student that under my mentorship has been given a second shot.
He's now thriving, and rehabilitated, and reengaged.
Wow.
Well, good for you, young man.
Shake his hand.
All right.
Shake her hand too.
(whispering) Shake her fucking hand.
- There you go, that's great.
- (gasps) I'm discovering all these little talents and things he has.
He actually did this to his shirt himself.
- It's arts and crafts.
- Is that what that is? He wants to be a famous seamstress when he becomes a man.
- Oh, wow.
- And he's also great at school things, too.
What's your favorite class, young man? Civics.
Wow! You're the best in civics? Yeah.
It's just crazy how he can do civics things - just naturally.
- Russell: He's so good at civics.
He's, uh, incredible, in fact.
Why don't you look at our beautiful kitchen and go get some soda? - Uh, pop.
You want some? - Some pop.
Soda pop.
Go get some.
Haas: And if you see the bar on your way Russell: Oh, egads.
Oh, Christine didn't bring your drink back.
- Haas: Oh, no, no, seriously.
- Russell: No, no.
Jeremy, I'm so embarrassed, that's her job.
Okay, I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Uh, Christine? Christine? Now, remember, those need to be served hot.
Okay? Go serve 'em! Go serve 'em.
Christine? Christine, what has gotten into you? Kevin: Hey, guys! Hey, Lee.
Kevin Yoon.
Uh, what are you doing here? Christine told me it was your birthday.
She thought it might be a nice surprise if I showed up.
So, surprise! You look speechless, Lee.
Uh, wow.
Thank you.
Kevin, if you don't mind, just go join the other guests.
We'll we'll be right out.
Sounds good.
This is so nice.
Yes, it is.
What the fuck is he doing here? Why are you trying to fuck me on my birthday? You know what, you're drunk.
You've had enough of this.
Give this to me.
- Give this to me - Ow! No.
Goddammit, my Billy Reids! My fucking slacks! Just Oh, you little Peeping Tom.
Were you just spying on us? Drinking my RC Cola! Get out! Get out.
Give us some privacy.
Give us some Get out! Christine, wh I keep telling this young lady that if she is going to write, she has to see the world.
- Do some living.
- I'm desperate to.
- I want to, I want to.
- Yes, you will.
You will.
Amanda, is it, like, the kind of thing where the book couldn't happen still? - Like, they could change their minds? - That's a good question.
They could change their minds, and Amanda and I have discussed it, haven't we, baby? Yes, we have, baby.
Um, they're sending over their notes, and I guess we will see what we want to write? Well, we're gonna have to seriously consider taking their notes because at this stage in one's career, you have to play ball.
I don't understand.
She wrote the book.
It's done.
Just go ahead and put it out there.
Front of store placements, hardbacks.
What are we talking here? New York Times best-sellers? This would be a digital release.
Digital release? So not a real book that I could pick up at Books-A-Million then, huh? Well, it is still considered a real book, yes.
In theory, it could be, you could say it's a book, but I could look at this and be like, "This is a book.
" But it's obviously not a book because we know what books look like.
- Have you ever read one? - Yeah, I know how to read.
Oh, okay, just checking.
- Have I ever read a book before? - Have you ever read one I don't know, I know a thing or two about the publishing industry.
- No.
- And from my point of view, I think you should just keep searching around for a publisher that's more suitable, one that cares for you deeply, - and has a full head of hair.
- Whoo! No, I think this publisher is gonna take care of me just fine.
- She's in good hands.
- Yeah.
The best hands.
Here's to Brian, for being an amazing boyfriend.
- Snodgrass: Cheers.
Cheers.
- Brian: Cheers.
And then, Lee says to the policeman, "I'm allowed to park in the handicap, I have cancer.
" (laughing) He said it with such a straight face.
Go to bed.
Go to bed.
Go to bed.
Go to bed, Mi-Cha.
- You work her too hard.
- Listen to me.
Do you see that Asian man, talking to Jeremy Haas right there? I want his ass out of here.
I want him gone now.
Like like force him to leave? I don't give a fuck how you do it, just do it.
We should have known that guy got us! (laughing) Hi, Christine.
I just wanted to say, you have such a lovely home and Oh! Uh Oh, okay.
Excuse me, Brian.
I've been noticing those dirty looks you've been giving me.
I don't want to make things weird.
I'm willing to be the bigger man and not make an issue about what happened between us.
You know what, I completely agree.
There's no reason to make an issue.
And Amanda told me not to push it.
She said that you've had an extremely difficult year.
Well, she's right.
I was shot multiple times, multiple entry points.
I completely understand you being upset.
I would be upset too if I let a remarkable woman like that just slip through my fingers.
Amanda? (mutters) You fucking cocksucker.
Howdy, pickle breath.
Who are you? No friend of yours, you motherfucker.
What do you want? I want you out of here.
Not today, not tomorrow, now.
Out of the bathroom? Out of the birthday party.
You gots to go.
Why? Because nobody wants you here.
Christine invited me.
I don't know who you are.
I'm a friend of the party.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah, you do that.
Yeah.
(electronic music playing over earpiece) (inhales) (electronic music playing over earpiece) Now you're going to die What are you doing? - (sniffles) - (music stops) Nothing.
Do you want me to leave? No, you can stay.
(sniffles) Do you want a hit? I need more time To go from lover to friend It seems so easy for you But I can't pretend Neal, fuck them.
Let's go out back by the Dumpsters.
I have a huge hole in my panties.
Why do you have a hole in your panties? I was rubbing it with rocks.
Shut up.
Let's dance.
- What? - You heard me, let's go.
Yes.
Okay, I will.
I do.
Yes! (giggling) Abbott: I can't believe this is happening.
Dancing with the most popular boy in school.
(mutters) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just chill.
This feels so good.
Hmm? I'm having a blast.
(moaning) Whoa! (giggles) No, hey, hey, hey, hey! You can't do it here.
You have to bring this back in there and Abbott, Abbott, excuse me.
- I'm cutting in.
- What the fuck, Lee? Look, Gamby, listen.
We can't do the cake yet.
Christine was supposed to do a birthday toast for me and she's nowhere to be found.
You have to do it.
- Me do the toast? - Yes.
- I can't give a toast.
- Well, you're my friend.
Okay? Just say nice things about me.
Make me look good in front of Superintendent Haas, okay? All right, hey, DJ, DJ, here, take these off.
Turn the music down, please.
Uh, excuse me.
Everyone stop the Stop dancing.
Everyone Dayshawn, let go of Ms.
Swift now.
Everyone gather around.
- Come on in, everybody.
- Come on in, everyone.
Gamby: Now we're going to put a pause on to the good times so that we can honor the guest of honor, the birthday man, Lee Russell.
- (laughing) - (applause) Give it up for him.
He wants me to give him a toast, - and I'm not good at these things.
- Well I didn't ask You know You did.
You said to come and Yeah, but I wanted to.
I did want to.
Uh A lot of people don't know this, but I was shot and left for dead in the parking lot of North Jackson High, in December of this year.
The assailant is still at-large.
And during that time period, a lot of the relationships I had, some of them disappeared, some of them just completely just ended.
Like, just nothing happened with them anymore at all.
But, through thick and thin, there was one man who stood beside me.
- And that man - Russell: Who was it? - (clattering) - (gasping) What's going on here? I'm not sure what happened here, folks.
Oh, my gosh What happened, guys, is he dead? He just fainted, he's coming to.
Oh, just fainted? - Just continue with the toast.
- Snodgrass: Are you okay?! Everyone's No one's gonna pay any attention.
It's doesn't - Damn it.
- Everyone, this man is a lot older than most people in this room.
- Goddammit.
- Let's just give him some space, okay? - Fuck this.
- Fucking Christine.
You know what? Amanda, maybe don't touch him.
Christine, wake up and you give your Aah - You okay? - He might have stroked out.
Did he stroke out? No.
He didn't stroke out, no.
At his age, it could be a stroke, I bet.
You little devil worshiper! How dare you fuck up my home!? - (murmuring) - No, no, no, no! No, you're out of here! You, sir are out.
Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! - Whoa, hey, hey.
- You, get out of here! What'd he do? What'd he do? Admit it, you did it, didn't you? - No, I didn't.
- Yes, you little fucking No, no, no! (quietly) Haas is here.
Haas is here.
Haas is here.
Uh, excuse me uh, for-for my outburst.
I, uh I've had an incident with this young man.
He, uh, defecated on a portrait of me, and so - What?! - He took a shit in your room? Christine: No, he didn't! I did! Christine, what are you doing? Don't lie and tell everyone this kid did it.
Stop making up lies! Kevin Yoon, my ex-boyfriend, Lee told me Kevin master fucked 15 pledges in a frat house basement wearing a paper bag over his head.
Both our lives forever altered, admit it! Kevin did do that.
And he also participated in a gang bang, and he wanted to go seventh.
I mean, that's just disgusting, Kevin.
I swear to God, I never did that.
He did, Christine.
Kevin Yoon is lying to you.
You don't care who you hurt as long as Lee Russell gets what he wants.
Baby, you've had a little too much to drink.
You are making a fool out of yourself right now.
Everybody here Everybody in this entire house knows that I am a very compassionate man.
All of these people will tell you.
Compassionate man? - Look - Aah! (screams) No, no! - (screams) - No! - No (chuckles nervously) - (screams) Christine! Move, move, move! No! Not my fucking Beamer! Our whole marriage is a lie! - No, baby, it's not a lie! - Stupid! Christine, please, baby, stop, don't! Hey, honey, don't! Don't No! - (screaming) - Fuck! Christine! (retching) (murmuring) (sobbing) Right, everyone, let's give them a moment.
Let's take the party back inside, okay? Let's give them a moment.
(crying) Nash, come on, help me wrangle here.
Don't just stand there like a fucking idiot.
Gamby: Let's go guys.
Seychelles: You made a lovely, lovely house, Russell.
- Wonderful.
- Thank you.
Rita: I hope Christine feels better.
Oh, uh, she'll be fine.
And so sorry about her drinking so much.
- See you Monday, Russell.
- Thank you, uh, so much for coming.
What did you want to say to Mr.
Russell? Eat me.
Goddammit, that's not what you said you were gonna say.
Okay, let's take you home.
All right.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Good night.
That's it, you got it.
Well, Brian really fucked up the toast, didn't he? Will you please just get Abbott out of here? She's wasted, and tell her to please put down my parrot.
Jen, get that out of there! Jen, come on.
Get the fucking parrot out of your - Get that out of there.
- It's not a big deal.
It is a big deal.
It's someone else's property.
- Put it down.
- They don't want it.
Well, now they probably don't, now that your juices are on it.
Come on.
Go.
Walk normal.
Walk normal.
Night-night, Lee.
I'm sorry your birthday didn't turn out the way you wanted it to.
- Thanks, Gamby.
- Happy birthday, bud.
Thank you, Gamby.
Let me know if you need anything.
Hey.
I'm sorry I didn't stick up for you earlier when Russell accused you of doing a BM on his portrait.
A BM? It's a bowel movement.
I should have said something.
He was pretty rude to you.
And it's not nice to be accused of doing something like that.
I don't give a fuck.
Well, you should.
I suppose there's a lesson to be learned in this anyhow.
If you walk around dressed like the type of person that would take a shit on something, don't be surprised if somebody accuses you of doing it.
Hmm.
All right, you did good.
As promised, there you go.
500 big ones.
Don't spend it all in one place.
Oof.
(clears throat) "Oof?" What's going on? Why are you making those noises? - I don't feel good.
- Are you gonna throw up? I don't know.
Go out Roll the window down if you're gonna do it.
Go over there! Do it out there! Don't do it inside my Silverado.
Roll down the window, roll it down! Roll it down! (retching) (clears throat) Sickening.
Did you get it all out of you? There might be a little more later.
Then do it out the window.
Don't fuck around in here.
Were you just paying that boy? That money was for books.
I also buy his family groceries.
Did you like my little present? Present, what the fuck you talking about? I'm talking about Brian.
(giggles) I made him look like a fucking fool for you.
I roofied his drink.
You did what? (giggles) I roofied his drink.
You drugged him? You could have killed him! Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
You're welcome.
He did look like a bitch, didn't he? (laughs) Yes.
He just fucking fell down.
(both laughing) Just like, in the middle of running his fucking mouth, just, "bloop.
" I kept trying not to laugh.
But I was just like, "Look at this old motherfucker who just had a heart attack.
" They had to carry that motherfucker out of there.
I was like, "Night-night, baby.
" Hey, thank you.
You wanna go back to my place? Yep.
It's like an hour away, so it's a bit of a drive.
I don't care.
Cool.
Okay.
I cleaned it, Christine.
The waiting The waiting I was waiting for something To change me In this place I'm loyal to memory