Warren (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

The Funeral

1 How'm I looking? Ya fine.
It's easy.
You've just gotta make sure you use your eyes and your mirrors at all times.
I'll show you again.
I think three times is enough actually, Warren.
Can I have a go now? "Can I have a go now?" It's not a Game Boy, luv.
But how am I gonna learn by just watching? Because you just have to watch and see how its done properly.
You can't just jump in.
Yeah, but we've stood here for 25 minutes.
Its 10:30 already.
Is it? Bloody hell, I've gotta get going.
I'll see you next week! Ah, Warren, where are ya? We should have left at eleven.
Call me back when you get this message, please.
How do we know her, again? Aunt Faye, granddad's sister.
How come I've never heard of her 'til now? Well, she kept herself to herself.
And your granddad fell out with her after she met a German bloke she met at the dance in Formby.
Oh, very smart, luv.
Did you see if Warren was coming up the road? No, I didn't notice.
Mum, have I even met this lady before? Yes, she was at your christening.
She was the one wearing the dress with the flowers on.
- How old was I? - About six months, something like that.
You should definitely remember it.
You were asleep on her lap for most of it.
Is that you, Warren? No, its the other bloke with a key.
Of course it's me! Where have ya been? I told you not to go on a lesson today, didn't I? Well, I wasn't going to waste a whole day's money for some old biddy I've never even met, was I? Right, get upstairs and get changed, as quick as you can.
Boys, ring Nan, tell her we'll be 10 minutes.
Warren, we'll wait in the big car.
Better make that 20 minutes, I just want to make one little stop on the way.
- You are joking me? - I'll be quick! - Can it not wait? - Its important, Anne.
That's them.
About 8 of those, I reckon.
Do you want to get the other side? What, dressed like this? No chance.
Get one of your little friends if you're struggling.
Oi, luv, give her a hand with these, she's struggling.
Come on, haven't got all day In the back, here.
For god's sake, Warren! Anne, enjoying that patio or not, the sale ends today.
I can't risk it! You were half an hour.
- Well, don't blame me! Blame these two jokers.
It took them 20 minutes to get that load on.
Sorry, they are quite heavy.
Yes, a little less chatting and a bit more loading, thank you.
Right, tell Nan we're on our way, at last.
You could always give us a hand.
No, it looks like you've got a good rhythm going there, you keep going.
We're never going to make it there in time.
Anne, I promise you I'll get you to that funeral, OK? Just trust me.
Right, Nan says there waiting on the porch 'cause Grandad's having trouble with his urine infection.
Oh god, that's all we need Grandad pissing like a race horse every 10 minutes.
Can you ask them to stop? It's like "Fifty Shades of Gray" every time I look in the mirror.
I think its lovely they're getting on again.
Christ, who bought you that, David Blunkett? Faye gave it to me when I was younger.
She was ever so good to me so it felt right to wear it.
- Why, what did she do? - Well, Liz used to go away to holiday camps but I wasn't old enough, so I used to go and stay with Faye.
She had a bed- sitter over a hairdressers' in Blackpool that she used to work in, and I used to go down every day and sweep the floors.
Blimey, she was good to you.
Sounds like a cracking summer.
'ere, Dad, when was the last time you saw her? - You talking to me? Yeah, I said "when was the last time you saw Faye?" She says "when was the last time you saw Faye?" - Oh, I dunno, '92? No, when did ya last see her, not how old was she That's right, 1992.
- What, you haven't seen her since 1992? - Noooo, we fell out.
- Because she married a German.
I couldn't give two shiney shites if he were German, but he managed a pub for 27 years, and did he ever give me a free pint? Did he bollocks! And she were just as bad, with her bloody haircuts.
Never a sniff of any discount there! Why are you going to her funeral, then? I didn't want to go.
She wanted to go for the bloody buffet.
How dare you? I wanted to go out of respect for your sister.
Although they do always put on a good spread.
Oooh, before I forget, I said you'd do a reading today.
What? I'd never even met her.
You know I can't do it.
I get too nervous in front of crowds.
Anyway, its only a couple of lines from the bible.
Do we know which couple of lines from the bible? I mean, I seem to remember it being quite a big book.
- I printed it off, its in me bag.
Summat about Jesus.
- You'll be fine.
- Jesus Do you want to swap seats with me, Colin? Uh, no, you're alright.
I'll never fit in that little space.
You know, I was sure Faye was already dead.
- I thought that.
- Who was it that fell in the river? - Ooh, that were Val.
- She fell in a river? - Yeah.
Ooh, she was fishing illegally with Uncle Morris in the River Ribble one night.
She leant over the ice to try and stroke an otter, slipped under, and we never saw her again.
- Christ, here we go.
- Ooh, Morris took it very badly.
After he got the life insurance, he started wearing the leather trousers without the arse in.
Then he bought the chihuahua and moved to Brighton, we never saw him again, either.
All in all, it was quite the tragedy.
Can we stop soon, Warren, I need a wee.
Oh bloody hell, Bill, we've only just got going.
- Well I've got an infection.
- He has got an infection, Warren.
Alright, don't worry about the rest of us, we'll just all be late because of you.
Of course we can, Dad.
Warren, stop at the next services.
- Thank you.
How's work going, Charlie? - Work? He does 3 hours on a Saturday.
Six hours on a Saturday, actually.
Oh, I beg your pardon, is it the whole six? I take it all back.
- Are you still courting, Danny? - Yeah.
How long have you two been together now, luv? - A few months, maybe a bit longer.
- What was her name again? - Jenny.
Are you still giving her your oats? Ooh, that's enough, thank you.
We're on our way to a funeral.
We don't want to know about Danny's oats.
Look at this prat, two inches off my bumper.
Well, we are sitting in the outside lane, Warren.
- Well, he'll have to wait.
- Yeah, actually you can't actually hog the outside lane, Warren.
Maybe you should move over? Oh, listen to him.
Three driving lessons and he's Mika bloody Hakkinen.
I'm not letting him past.
He's just trying to bully us.
- I think you should move over, Warren.
- I'm not moving over.
You should move over, though, Warren! I'm not going to be bullied by some tosser in a Mazda.
He's getting quite close.
Should we move over? - No! I'm going to need a wee soon, Warren, so we should mover over.
- I'm not moving over.
- Just move over, Warren! Fine, then, don't mind me, I'm just the bloke driving the car.
You wanker! You - Warren, don't! Stop it! - Just leave it! Oh, for goodness sakes! Let it go, Warren! Its started to rattle back here, Warren.
- Oooh, what's going on? - I'm not sure.
Warren, what have you done? - What's happening up there, Warren? - He's not sure.
- Don't panic.
- Warren? Its fine, I'll sort it.
Shall I call Roadside Recovery? Ah, no no no no no, um, I'll have a look at it first.
I'll have us moving in no time.
Is this the services? No, dad, you'll have to go for a wee here, down by that river.
Watch out for Uncle Morris.
- What's going on then, big fella? - I dunno, mate, I'm just havin' a look.
We'd better call Roadside Recovery, hadn't we? Colin, I haven't renewed with Roadside Recovery.
They're theiving bastards.
They wanted a bloody fortune to renew, then they tried to stick an admin fee on top.
Sod that! Oh, and no hard feelings about that thing with me and Liz.
Actually, I'll be honest, we've never been better! - Ah, good about it.
We're like bloody teenagers again.
I can't keep her off of me! - Uh, right.
We've been at it a couple of times each night these last few weeks.
- I didn't know she had it in her! - Ya, I think it might be the oil.
So, I went to the library and got meself a copy of the Kama Sutra.
Some of those positions would make your bloody eyes water! My favourite's the "Reclining Lotus.
" You can see everything! Sometimes, I can see what she had for dinner.
- Ooooohhh So we started recording ourselves and putting it on DVD.
Remind me not to borrow a film off you, then.
- Does Warren know what he's doing? - Yeaa yeah he's fine, he'll sort it.
Do you think we should call the Roadside Recovery, just in case? No, he'll fix it.
He is a driving instructor, after all.
How would you know if someone's breaking up with ya? - Why, what's she said? Nothing.
No, she's just not been replying to my messages today.
Don't worry about it, mate.
Plenty of girls ignore my messages all the time.
- You just get used to it in the end.
- Right.
Cheers.
Right, you two.
Go and get me some oil from that last services.
- That's miles away! - It'll only take you twenty minutes.
- No way, that's ages to walk.
- Yes way get out.
Uhmm I want' the change.
Are we alright walking down a dual carriage way? Well, I'm not asking you to walk down the central reservation.
Just stay on the grass bit there, you baby.
Sorry got an infection.
Enjoy your pork pies.
- How are things going with you and Colin, luv? - Oh mum, they're brilliant! - We're like teenagers in love again.
- Aww that's great news.
I'm so pleased.
And, uh it was meant to be a surprise, but We're going to get our wedding vows renewed.
Aww, that's made me all giddy! I'm light headed anyway.
I haven't eaten since half-six this morning.
- Why did you eat so early, mam? - I was saving meself for the buffet.
No point filling up on corn flakes and not being able to squeeze a vol-au-vent in.
- True.
How's he gettin' on out there, Anne? We're a bit pushed for time here.
He promised me he'd get us there on time, so let's not panic.
And he promised you he'd buy you a spa weekend for your birthday, but instead he bought you a massage with that big Iranian man in the town centre.
Oh yeah, ooooh he had hands like bunches of bananas.
- Ooooh Okay, maybe I should give them a little call just in case.
You know it'll be wrong, don't ya? Whatever oil we get, somehow it'll be wrong.
It'll be too expensive, or not the right colour, or the wrong shape or something.
Are you going to be like this the whole way? I just don't understand why she isn't replying to any of my texts.
Danny, it'll be fine.
I'm trying to think of things I might have done to upset her.
Well, you wouldn't have done anything wrong.
I changed my profile picture yesterday to one of me playing the clarinet.
- Maybe that upset her? - I can't imagine that turned her on much, but I doubt that'd be it.
She messaged me last night but we were having dinner so I didn't reply straight away.
It took me like eight minutes to reply.
That's quite a long time, eight minutes! Just relax, maybe she left the phone at home, or run out of battery.
- She's read the messages.
- She's read the messages? Oh ya, well she's ignoring ya.
- How many messages have ya sent so far? - Ya, quite a few Hey, sometimes its good being single.
Yes, Anne Humphries.
Number 100545.
I'm pretty sure we are.
- What's he saying? - He's saying we're not members anymore.
Can you check again? Oooh, terrible, these breakdown people, aren't they? Its all take, take, take.
Oh, I know.
Mind you, if we left it to Colin, we'd be on the side of the road for days.
He hasn't got a clue! Oooh, your dad's the same.
He waits 'til the light goes on, and then takes it to Halfords.
Well, I can only apologize.
- What's happened? He's saying Warren refused to renew.
- Why? Well, when Warren rang, the price'd gone up, and the bloke says there's a note on the system that Warren called them a bunch of money-grabbing tossers, and refuse to pay the admin fee.
- How much was the admin fee? - £2.
50 - Oooohhh! He's as tight as a duck's ass, that man.
- Ay mate, ya got any oil? - What kind of oil? - Like car oil like oil for a car.
- What kind of car? - Um I think its a Nissan? - No, we've run out.
- What, you don't have any? - No.
Oh well, we tried our best.
Might as well get some chocolate bars, eh? - What d'ya want? - It's Jenny! Well see, I told you there was nothing to worry about.
Hold on Hello? What scratch cards ya got? - Have you checked the water? - Its not the water.
I think its the oil, Bill.
- No, it won't be the oil.
- Might be the spark plugs.
- Or the carburettor.
- No, it won't be the carburettor.
Well, you say that, but when I broke down it was the carburettor.
Or try the valve engine, could be that.
Look, would you two mind just giving me a little bit of peace and quiet? Charming! You try to help and that's what you get.
How are you getting on, luv? - I think it might be the valve engine.
No its not the valve engine! There's no such thing as a "valve engine", Colin! Have you tried turning it off, and turning it back on again? No, I hadn't thought of that.
Shall I see if its still connected to the printer, as well? Look, why don't you three just get back in the car, give me a moment's peace to fix it, and then we can all get there.
- Get back in the car, eh? - Alright.
Are you sure you don't want me to ring Roadside Recovery? No, I said I'm fine, didn't I? Look, I promised I'd get you there, and I will if you just give me a little bit of space.
- Okay luv.
And there wasn't any problem with the renewal? Went through alright? Ya ya ya, it was fine.
- Hello.
- Hel what? - Hello.
- Is that North End Taxis? - Yep.
- Yeah, I want a quote please, mate.
From where to where? Well, I need to get to the Westbourne Crematorium in Blackpool.
Okay, from where? Well, the thing is, I don't know where I am, mate, I've broken down.
- I'm somewhere on the A583.
- Well, the A583's forty miles long! Yeah, there's a river and a sign.
- Okay, and what does the sign say? - "Danger Low bridge.
" Mate, I can't help you if I don't know where you are! Well, can't you trace me use a GPS or something? I'm not the FBI, mate! I'm a taxi firm! - Alright, I just want a rough quote.
- Alright, it'll be £100.
A hundred quid? I want a taxi, not a bloody limo! Oh, I can't give you a proper quote if I don't bloody know where you are, can I? Well I tell you what shove it! Absolute moron! - You alright? - Yeah, fine.
- What's the matter? - Nothing Don't worry about it.
Happens to the best of us.
Do you want a scratch card? Warren's bought us a load of them.
We'll have to hurry up, Anne.
We haven't got long before it starts.
The Roadside Recovery man is on his way, so it'll be sorted soon.
Oooh, look at you two love's young dream.
Liz was saying, actually, you're going to renew your marriage vows, Colin? - Well, ya, but - But what? Well, I didn't know it were common knowledge.
- What, I can't tell me own family? - No, its not that, it's just What's the matter? You don't want us there? - No, I just I thought it were going to be just us, that's all.
Oh charming, did ya hear that, Anne? He don't want us there.
'Course he wants us there.
Just us? No way we're having a big party and everything.
Oh I don't know about that If he doesn't want us there, he doesn't want us there.
What, you think I just want you and me? - No chance.
- What's that supposed to mean? Will there be a buffet? Oh, leave it! You're all invited! Oh, Roadside revovery man's here.
Oh thank goodness, I'm bloody starving! - Afternoon sir, having a few problems? - What are you doing here? - Aye, had a callout, uh Anne Humphries.
- Bollocks! Blue Toyota Previa, reg M216 JPB.
What happened? She doesn't look after her car, that's the trouble.
I was driving along, minding me own business, and then bash, that's gone off I pulled over here.
I've had a go at trying to fix it but I don't seem to be getting anywhere.
Right, let's look, shall we? Yeah, I think it's the oil, mate, I'm pretty good at these things.
Ooh, by the looks of it, this is a right mess.
- What? Well, you've mixed up the HT leads, for a start.
- Hang on, mate? What you been doing in here? Listen, pal, don't come down here showing off in your stupid jacket.
I'm not showing off, I'm just saying you've messed it up.
- I know what the bloody hell I'm doing! - Clearly, you don't! Listen, pal, I am a customer! Show me some customer care! - And I'm trying to, and I'm the mechanic trying to sort things out for you, alright? It's the oil, mate.
I know cars, I'm a driving instructor! You've pulled the bloody spark plugs out.
It's chaos in here.
Roadside Recovery, my arse.
- Thanks for doing that, boys.
- I've brought chocoloate for everyone.
- Oooh, lovely! Have you got a Bounty? - Yeah, I got a Bounty.
Nana a Crunchie.
Grandad, Turkish Delight.
- Oooh, lovely! I don't think I want to eat this, Anne, it might spoil me apetite.
- What do you think? - Whatever you want, mam.
I'll just pop it in me bag for later, shall I? In case they haven't got any cake.
Liz, Galaxy Caramel or Milky Way? Galaxy Caramel please, luv.
There you go.
Milky Way for you, Colin? Oh I see, Colin doesn't get a choice in anything, he just gets told.
Oh, have a day off, Colin, you're like a bloody child! That's why I got Milky Way, is it? I'm a child? - Might as well've given me a Freddo.
- You can have mine if you want? - What is it? - Daim Bar.
Oh no, you're alright.
Them bits always get stuck in me teeth.
I'll be picking them out for weeks.
Anyone else want to swap a Milky Way? I have had a bite of mine, but I'll give you the rest of my Bounty for your Milky Way.
No, you're alright.
Anyone else? Bill? - Eh? Swap you're Turkish Delight for me Milky Way.
Oh no, you're alright.
Them's tiny.
Aww, Sheila, can I have your Crunchie if you're not going to have it? I do want to have it, Colin, just not now.
- Danny, you've not got some chocolate.
- No, I'm fine.
- But you love chocolate.
- Yeah no, I'm fine.
- You alright, you look at bit pale? - No, he said he's fine.
- You look upset.
- Perhaps he's upset about missing the funeral.
I'm not upset about anything, I'm fine.
Just leave it! Well it won't be long now.
Roadside Recovery man's just got here.
I know a bloody oil problem when I see one.
There's nothing wrong with the oil! - Well fine, piss off, ya jumped up tosser, I'll do it myself! - Fine! - Fine! - Fine! Twat! - Roadside Recovery man's just left - Has he gone to get parts? - No Sheila, just leave it.
Give me a minute to think.
Have you planted your bulbs yet, Warren? No, Bill, just gimme a minute to think.
Did it last week.
I say, have you planted your bulbs yet, Warren? - He did 'em last week.
- Oh, very good.
And we're going to get the pond finished soon, as well.
And they're going to get the pond finished soon, as well.
Oh right, what are you going to have in there, fish? Maybe some fish, not sure.
Oh, I tell you what, we saw Jackie McIlvenny's garden last week.
- Ooooh, is it nice? - Oh yeah, it is a really nice garden.
You'll have a nice garden soon, though, eh, Warren? When the pond's finished? Colin said you'll have a nice garden when the pond's finished.
What are you going to have in there, fish? Maybe some fish, he doesn't know.
Oh, have you told them about Jackie McIlvenny's garden? - Oh no, I haven't.
I'll tell you who's got a nice garden Jackie McIlvenny! Anne was just telling me about Jackie McIlvenny's garden.
When did you see Jackie McIlvenny's garden? - I didn't, Liz did.
No, I know, Liz, when did you see Jackie McIlvenny's garden? - We saw it last week.
- Who's got a nice garden? Jackie fucking McIlvenny! shout, luv.
No mum Jenny's pregnant! - Ar are you sure? - She just rang me and told me.
5 minutes before a funeral.
As one life ends, another begins.
- Mum, not now.
- What did he say? - Danny's girlfriend's pregnant.
- Danny's got a girlfriend? - And she's pregnant.
- Oh, congratulations mate! - No, I'm Charlie, that's Danny.
Oh, sorry.
Danny says you're going to have a baby, Charlie! No, I'm Charlie, that's Danny.
- You'll be a granddad, Warren.
- No I won't, he's not my son.
I'm going to have another look at that engine.
- No you're not! You got us into this mess, so you will ring the Roadside Recovery, apologize, and get them to send another man out.
You promised me we'd get to this funeral.
You promised! The amount of times, Warren, I stand by you, and the one thing I want you to do for me, the one bloody thing and you've let me down.
You're getting every single one of us to that funeral, full stop! It's five to, Anne.
It's too late, we've missed it.
I'm sorry, luv.
Well, not necessarily.
"Oh death, where is your victory? Oh death, where is your sting?" "The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.
" "But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" A fitting tribute.
Thank you, Warren.
Wanker! Who's a wanker, eh? That was very good, luv.
I'm just going to have a quick word with Danny.
That were a bit religious all that, weren't it Warren? - I thought that.
A bit heavy on the "God" stuff, wasn't it? - Well, it is a funeral.
Well, I didn't want to bloody read it anyway.
Anne asked me to.
I'm just saying, she never went to church a day in her life.
- Well, when I do one at your funeral I'll tone down the god stuff, how's that sound? I wish they'd hurry up, I'm bloody freezing out here.
- Do you want me coat? - No, I'm alright.
Thanks though, luv.
I'm sorry about earlier, Liz.
Its just, well, I thought it would be just us two you know, on a beach in Jamaica, renewing under the Caribbean sunset.
Oh, oh that does sound nice, actually.
Yeah, sod 'em.
Let's go on our own, eh? - Ohhh, here we go again with the god stuff.
- Mum, shhhh, the coffin's going.
Oh crikey, I'm going to need to take a minute.
- Aww dad, are you alright? Yeah I'm alright.
I'm just bursting for a pee! - Roadside Recovery man wants you.
- I'm not talking to that prat.
Warren, don't you dare! - You all done? - Yes mate.
Looks like it overheated, probably because of the heavy load.
You'll have to lose some weight from the cabin before you set off again.
Alright.
- Is it finished? - Yeah, mom just went to speak to the vicar.
- She wants to find out where he got his shoes from.
- Ah.
How you doin'? Fine, yeah.
Just a bit shocked, y'know? Yeah, I know.
She was 89.
I don't know how it happened.
Oh Christ, you don't need me to explain that to you as well, do you? - No I'm so sorry, Warren.
- That's alright, mate.
These things happen.
Well, they seem to up north, anyway.
- How are we getting on? - Yeah, its alright.
Alright, thanks mum.
Don't worry, luv, everything will be fine, I promise.
We'll chat more when we get home, okay? Is the car fixed? Yeah, but the Roadside Recovery man says we need to lose some weight out of it.
- Oh.
- Bill, do you fancy staying here while we nip off to the wake? We'll only be a couple of hours, tops.
No, I don't mind.
Bring me back a plate of sandwiches.
- Yes mate.
No Warren, don't be stupid! Dad, get in the car.
He didn't want to bloody go in the first place.
- No, I don't mind.
- No dad, it's fine.
- You can take your paving slabs out.
- Anne, they cost me a fortune! Oh Christ, they're at it again! Don't look if you're that bothered.
- Have you thought of any names, Danny? - Mum, not now! - Oy, where's my change? - Oh, yeah, - What's this? - Your change.
- You've won four quid! - Oh, you Sorry about this, Warren, I'm afraid I need another wee.
Absolutely no chance!