Watson and Oliver (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

Episode 4

1 SPECTACULAR SHOW MUSIC APPLAUSE Lorna, do you remember when I asked you to cancel the dancers? Yes.
As we wanted a more modern, sophisticated, opening to the show? Yes.
- You cancelled them, then? - Oh, yes.
- You made the call? - Yes.
- Right.
- Might you be lying to me? - Yes.
Well, this is a good start.
- I don't think it is, Ingrid.
- Please stop talking.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Watson and Oliver.
- I'm Ingrid Oliver.
- I'm Lorna Watson.
- And this is our sketch show.
I definitely cancelled THEM.
97, 98, 99, Wills, if you were to have your absolutely perfect day, - what day would that be, do you think? - Cor.
Well, that's a tricky one.
Um I'd start with breakfast in bed.
Oh, yum.
Then a visit to a factory .
perhaps one that makes helicopter parts.
You'd get to see behind the scenes to see how the helicopter's made.
Oh, fun.
And then in the evening, I would definitely go and see an extremely long variety show because, just like Granny, I do like extremely long variety shows.
- That sounds lovely.
- Yah.
So, what would your perfect day be? Well, I think it would be fun to go to a polo match and support a very handsome man in one of the teams.
Oh, right.
Who would that be? You, silly! Oh! Derr! And then dinner out, I think.
Somewhere really posh like Pizza Express.
Or Giraffe.
- Oh, what a lovely perfect day.
- Yes.
Kate? Yes, Wills? It wouldn't be as perfect a day as our wedding day.
BOTH: Our wedding day! That was such a great day! It was such a good day! Remember when we came out onto the balcony at Buckingham Palace and there was half a million people staring up at us and I was like, "Wow.
" Remember when I did the kiss but it wasn't long enough or something and everyone was like, "Do another kiss!" And we were really laughing, cos we were like, "Not again, guys!" But then I did another kiss and everyone cheered.
Remember that tiny bridesmaid on the balcony in front of us with her hands over her ears like she was bored, though she couldn't be bored cos it was the most amazing wedding in the world! Yah! Have a word! Remember when I drove you out of Buckingham Palace in Daddy's sports car and the crowd loved it cos it was like something out of James Bond, and though I didn't want to show it, I secretly felt a bit like James Bond.
And remember when those planes did that formation over our heads, and all I could think to say was, "perfect formation," which is really lame and embarrassing, but I was totes overwhelmed by the half a million people staring up at me! And you remember the next day, someone started a Facebook group called the Pippa Middleton Arse Appreciation Society and, like, 200,000 people signed up because her bottom looked so amazing in that dress? Although not as amazing as you looked in your dress.
Your dress was really long.
- Lovely sleeves - Goodnight, William.
- Night, Kate.
- Customer, darlin.
- Morning, darlin.
- Morning, darlins.
- Ready for service, darlin! - Thanks, darlin.
- What can I get you my darlins? - Two sausage baps, please darlin.
- Two sausage baps, my darlin.
- And a full English, darlin.
- And chips, please darlin.
- I refilled the ketchup, darlin.
- Ketchup on the side, darlins.
80, darlins.
- Keep the change, darlin.
- Thanks, darlin.
- No problem, darlin.
Two sausage baps, darlin, full English, darlin, and chips, darlin! I refilled the brown sauce, darlin.
Brown sauce on the side, my darlins.
Yes, darlin? - Ello, darlin.
- What can I get, darlin? - What you got, darlin? - Menu's there, darlin.
- Up there, darlin? - Yes, darlin.
- I forgot me glasses, darlin.
- What do you like, darlin? - I refilled the mustard, darlin.
- Thanks, Cath darlin.
We got full English darlin, vegetarian English darlin, bacon and egg darlin, sausage and egg darlin, sausage and bacon darlin, egg on its own darlin, fried egg darlin, scrambled egg darlin, boiled egg darlin, poached egg darlin, cheese omelette darlin, ham omelette darlin, mushroom omelette darlin, beans on toast darlin, bacon on toast darlin, cheese on toast darlin, toast with jam my darlin, toast with ham my darlin, ham, egg and chips darlin, ham, egg and beans darlin, ham, beans and chips darlin, chips, beans and bacon darlin, chip butty darlin, bacon butty darlin, egg butty darlin, sausage butty darlin, Panini darlin, baguette darlin, wholemeal darlin, white darlin, ciabatta darlin, if you're that way inclined darlin but it's not a best seller darlin - Service, darlin! - Service, darlin! And we got cornflakes.
I think I'll just have a cup of tea, darlin.
Coming, darlin! Hello, I'm Colin Firth, humble, humble, and I done a D'Arcy.
- Veggie burger? - Yup! The bus is late.
It's really late.
Do you think we should walk? Do YOU think we should walk? I mean, we could walk.
But we could also wait here.
Yeah, it's like a part of me wants to walk.
But another part of me wants to wait for the bus.
BOTH: Hey, Stefan! Oh.
Are you waiting for the bus? Yeah.
Are you Crispin? - Yes.
- We met you that time with Abby? - That time when she lost her coat? - And then she started crying? And then we found it? And then we all went home? No, I don't remember.
So, are you coming back to mine, then? Yeah, all right.
I'll call my mum.
It was Abby Wainwright.
As in blonde Abby? She's best friends with Jen? Not Jen with the ponytail.
The other Jen.
Her dad works in music.
- He's really important.
- Do you know her? No.
BOTH: She's really nice.
Hi, Mum, it's me.
Yeah, I'm going to Crispin's.
Yeah, I'll see you later.
And you were with James.
No, he was with Tom.
What, Tom with the hair? No, Tom in Year 10.
- The one who knows Cassie? - You're thinking of Ben.
The one who speaks French? No, the one with the freckles.
The one who knows George? No, he's best friends with Harry.
- Harry who Claire likes? - No, Claire likes Tom.
I thought Claire likes Harry? Yeah, she used to like Harry.
But then she changed her mind.
Now she likes Tom.
Really? Literally.
That was our bus.
That was so our bus.
BOTH: Hiya! Morning.
Richard Hall to see David Lane.
Good morning.
How can we help you? I've got a 10am meeting with David Lane? I'm a bit late, actually.
It's Richard Hall.
Sign in, please.
Oh, right.
So you'll ring up? Let him know I'm here? - David Lane, was it? - Yes.
David Lane.
David Lane, David Lane, David Lane, David Lane, David Lane, David Lane, David Lane Oh! It's the one at the bottom.
David Lane, David Lane, David Lane? David Lane, David Lane, David Lane 4029.
David Lane, David Lane Oh! Here he is.
David Lane.
Could you just try 4029 for me? If that's what you want.
No! No answer.
- I don't think you dialled the right extension number.
- Yes, I did.
- No, I don't think you did.
- Yes, she did.
No, she didn't.
I saw her.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
I'm not criticising you personally, but you did dial the wrong number.
Are you saying I don't know how to dial an extension number? No, but maybe if your nails weren't so long What's wrong with my nails? Have you got a problem with her nails? My nails have got absolutely nothing to do with this.
You're the one with the problem round here.
Not her nails.
I don't like your hair.
You don't see me going on about it, do yo?.
No, but you go on about her nails.
Why are you obsessed with her nails? - I suppose you want to know what they are? - No, I don't.
Number 397 Turquoise Tango by Chanel with a coat of Givenchy lacquer if you must know.
Both of which I can tell you are high quality nail products.
You can't come in while I'm trying to do my job and go on about my nails like that.
Ah, there you are, Richard.
I thought maybe you'd got lost? - David, I'm sorry about this.
- Quite all right, sir.
Everything all right, ladies? BOTH: Hiya! Nice nails, by the way.
Er, shall we? Well, thanks very much for noticing, David.
What a gent.
SHE WHISTLES There she is! Off we go! Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Someone's off.
Here she comes.
There she is.
Here I am.
Here we go.
Here it comes.
Morning Sunshine.
Don't you start.
- Who'll stop me? - Me, if I've anything to do with it.
- They all say that.
- I hear different.
Same song, different tune.
No skin off my nose.
- Don't mind if I do.
- If you'll pardon me French.
- Oh! Oh, dear.
What you doing in here, Pat? Playing hide and seek? - That's right.
- You're playing hide and seek, are you? I'm playing hide and seek.
You play hide and seek.
-There she goes.
- Off I go.
- Here it comes.
- There she is.
No, seriously, Pat, what are you doing in there? I tried to escape, didn't I? What, we not treating you right or something? - Oh, here she goes.
- Not to your usual standards, is it? Room service could be better.
- Cheeky.
- Tell me something I don't know.
- Oh, she's off again.
- Here we go.
- There she is.
- Here I am.
- Off she goes.
Listen, Pat, I know it's tough in here but you know, it's not all bad, is it? I ain't got no friends.
What are you talking about? You've got I'm We have a laugh, don't we? Yeah.
Yeah Well, I could pop by later if you like.
We could have a chat.
Thing is, I'm not supposed to talk to anyone what with it being solitary and that.
Yeah, no, of course.
I might get in trouble.
Yeah, well, I'm pretty busy anyway, so er Got my appraisals coming up next week so I'd better knuckle down.
Well thanks for opening the door for a bit.
No problem, Pat.
Well, I'd better just Yeah.
Close her up, then.
In I go.
I'll see you later, trouble.
Not if I see you first.
Don't go changing! Missing you already! Oh classic Pat.
Hello, I'm Colin Firth and I done a Mamma Mia.
Oh I'm so dreadfully sorry.
Humble, humble.
Whaddya doing, Susan? Whaddya doing? MACHINE BEEPS Good after Good morn Hello.
This is Blakely Manor.
Opening hours are Monday, sorry, Tuesday to Saturday, sorry, Sunday and admission is ã4.
60 for the house and ã2 for the garden.
Children are, er Children, children Whaddya doing, Susan? Children, children, children, children, children, children! MACHINE BEEPS Hello.
This is Blakely Manor.
The museum is open Monday sorry, Tuesday! It's Tuesday! Tuesday, Tuesday.
It's Tuesday, Susan! Come on.
MACHINE BEEPS Good morn Hello.
This is Blakely Manor.
Opening hours are Monday, sorry, Tuesday to Sunday and admission is ã2 sorry, ã4, sorry, ã4.
60 for the house Garden! No, house! Oh Whaddya doing, Susan? Whaddya doing? MACHINE BEEPS We're closed.
I see you're adding to my guests' book, Miss Braithwaite.
I do hope you passed an agreeable few days in our superior room.
I like to put clean, respectable people at the front of the house.
Not only is the vista so pleasant but with that picture window, I shouldn't want passers-by glancing up and seeing any untoward shenanigans taking place! Do you know, we had a young girl in there last week.
Slip of a thing she was.
Seemed decent enough.
She was spied breast feeding up there, from the street! Bold as brass, in full view! Ugh, giving suckle to the infant, if you please! Animal, it was, Miss Braithwaite, animal! I says to her, "What are you? Some sort of baboon?" I couldn't have been more shocked if the King himself came into the room, whipping his naked buttocks and singing Two Little Girls in Blue.
So I sent young Sally to fetch the constable and do you know what he says? He says it's trivial.
Trivial, he says.
She'll get five, maybe six months at the most and she'll probably spend all of that on parole.
But I shall always remember you, Miss Braithwaite.
Your Bible readings about respect and tolerance of others always such a refreshing tonic.
You should see some of the muck we get through these doors.
Some of the things I find in rooms once the guests have gone.
Racy literature of all sorts.
"Comely Debutante Post", "Leg and Wrist", "Ankle Bone Fun"? Oh I know who left them.
They are banned for this life and the next but you, Miss Braithwaite, are welcome.
Put it this way.
If the King himself were a-hammering on my bedroom door, the contours of his pert bottom shimmering in the moonlight, I shouldn't let him in.
But you are welcome! Goodbye! Thank you.
DOOR CLOSES Boring old cow.
This week on Who Do You Think We Think You Are? international pop star Enrique Iglesias is retracing his family roots.
He begins his journey with an emotional reunion with his father, the world-famous singer Julio Iglesias, who he hasn't seen in over a decade.
So, are you excited about seeing your father after such a long time? - Well, I.
- Hello! Ola! I am Julio Iglesias.
Ola, nice to meet you.
Ola! Sorry I am late.
There was a stewardess at the airport that needed taking care of if you know what I mean.
O-la! Who is thees? You are bery, bery beautiful and I want to make lub to you immediately.
OK! Let's do thees! What happened to your mole? Oh, I had it removed in 2003.
Did you see his mole? Me and his mother, we would laugh about his mole all the time, it was such a funny little mole.
Right, let's get started, shall we? So, what's it like having two such successful recording artists in one family? - Well, sometimes - I don't know about that.
All I do know is that I, Julio Iglesias, am number one best-selling Spanish singer of all time.
Enrique, he has a little way to go before he reaches my level.
- You are only what? - Number two.
There you go, you see, he is only the number two best-selling Spanish singer.
Yes, but number two is nearly number one, so Yes, but it is not number one.
I am number one.
You are number two.
- I know I am number two.
- Number two is not number one.
- I know.
Number two is number two.
- Number one is number one so how can you be number one when you are number two? What was it like growing up with such a famous father? - Well, some - Let's put it this way, he never brought girlfriends home to meet me, if you know what I mean.
He would sleep with them.
I did not sleep with them! OK, so I slept with them.
I am Julio Iglesias.
I have slept with over 3,000 women.
- It's what I do.
- What about my mother, huh? I slept with her too.
She was number 1,248.
Good times.
- Que? - I used to want to be just like you, Papa.
You cannot be just like me.
I am unique.
A one-off.
I am Julio Iglesias.
You know what? I don't think I want to be your son any more.
Can you stop filming, please? Enrique! Wait! Por favor! It is still me.
The father who held you when you were little and sang ballads into your face.
I am done with all the women, OK? There, I said it.
You, you are my son and I lub you bery, bery, bery much.
I lub you too, Papa.
RINGTONE: MEXICAN HAT DANCE It is Anna Kournikova, my fiancee.
Oh, you should speak with her, Papa.
Oh, I wouldn't know what to say.
Please, it would mean so much to me.
Ola, Anna Kournikova? No, Anna Kournikova.
He is number two.
I am number one.
There is a bery, bery big difference.
OK, so I see you later on in my villa in Valencia for some va-va boom.
Adios! Que? - Oh, help! - Help! Help! Oh, mercy! I have fallen! Woe is me! I too have fallen! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! - Help us! - Help me! Oh! Oh! Oh! Miss Rutherford? Miss Steeps? Oh, Mr Bridgewater! Sir Thomas! How unexpected.
I see you have fallen? - Indeed.
- Indeed.
We are such silly things, aren't we, Lucy? Oh yes, so very silly! I wager we are quite simply the silliest sausages this side of Sissinghurst.
THEY GIGGLE MANIACALLY Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh Are you hurt? Mr Bridgewater, I fear I may have twisted my little lady ankle.
And I fear that I too may have twisted my little lady ankle.
Perhaps if you would be so kind as to give us your most expert of opinions on the matter? Oh, Mr Bridgewater! Sir Thomas? Well, that all seems fine to me.
Are you certain? Oh! Get us out of here! Well, we must away to London.
Good day to you both.
Oh! Oh! Oh Catherine, what are we to do? We live some ten miles hence.
I do not know, Lucy, I am sure.
Oh, would that there were some lodging close by in which we could seek shelter from this cursed storm.
Yes, would that there were somewhere close by.
Well Coldwell Manor is but a mile down the road.
You would be most welcome to rest there until you are recovered.
- Mr Bridgewater! Sir Thomas, you are too kind! - Too kind! Too, too kind! Oh! Oh, Mr Bridgewater! Ooh! Oh! Ooh! Whoa.
- Need a ride? - No, thank you, George.
These gentlemen have kindly offered to es Oh! Oh! HORSE NEIGHS I tell you what.
They want it.
Yes, well, they love the chase.
Hello, I'm Colin Firth and I done a King's Speech and I done a BAFTA and then I done an Oscar.
Pretty pleased with myself, actually.
Humble, humble.
GUITAR MUSIC: Not unlike "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias Ooh, yeah.
You will always be my hero.
Father when I look at you I see the man I want to be You still have all your own hair Even though you're 73 When I was a little boy I would cry at home with Mum When you went away on tour Did you miss your tiny son? Not really, I was too busy Dancing and making lub Signing autographs on ladies' boobies Hosting cocktail parties in my hot tub.
Playing Spanish guitar, eating paella Sipping cava in the hotel bar There's no time to think about your son When you're numero o-one! And Papa did you ever dream That one day I would win awards For my multi-lingual love songs Using the same three basic chords Have you listened to my albums? Watched me sing on MTV? Now I'm friends with Ricky Martin Father, are you proud of me? Not really, I've been too busy Titillating other people's wives GIRLS: Loving all the ladies Playing castanets on a private jet Eating tapas off a lady's thighs GIRLS: Sexy ladies everywhere Yes you've been on a roll Since you got rid of your mole But you'll never be as sexy as I GIRLS: So don't even try All the ladies in the world agree Julio is the Daddy! Everybody in the world can see Julio is the Daddy.
Te amo, Papa.
Papa? Que? END THEME MUSIC You're saying the mystery body found in the canal outside Uxbridge is the American singer Tina Turner? It certainly appears that way, inspector.
Eyes as wide as if the King himself had shimmied into the parlour wearing a pair of my bloomers and rubbing Chinese teak oil into his very own nipples.
Yee-agh! Yah! I do declare we are such silly sillies that we should feel quite at home on the Isles of Scilly! We don't use the computers, Carol, because it's not safe for our nails.
Really? Balls, please!
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