Watson and Oliver (2012) s02e03 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 3

1 Ta-da! What do you think? Erm What? Too short? Too dressy? What, too fussy? Erm Not my colour? Not with my skin tone? Mmm Too tight? Bit cleavage-y? Not cleavage-y enough? Mmm Too last year? Too "Hello, boys"? Too big? Mmm.
Too cheap? Too young? Too see-through? Erm Gives me pancake bum? Mmm.
Too "I bought this from a tranny shop"? Erm A bit too "This old thing? I just threw it on," when I blatantly didn't? Erm A bit too "Hey, I got a Mad Men box set and Peggy's my favourite character?" Mmm.
Too "I run a shop selling overpriced candles?" Too "Don't look at me, but do look at me, but don't look at me"? Mmm.
Too "I'm a high-class prostitute but not high enough"? Mmm.
Too "I'm a sportswoman collecting an award"? Erm Too "I was dressed by the Romanian Gok Wan"? Mmm.
Too "My mother dressed me until I was 24 and I'm stuck in the '80s "and I'd rather be wearing a school uniform because it was always so much simpler then"? This dress is repellent! It's disgusting, I look I look like Hitler! Oh, my God! I thought it looked all right.
So, first of all, I'd like to thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me today.
I'd like to begin, if I may, with a brief outline of my business proposal.
Sure, yes, go ahead.
By all means.
Thank you so much.
So, basically, as you can see, my business is a global international business which specialises in the knowledge diversification of strategic market sustainability manoeuvres whilst simultaneously maximising corporate profitability expenditures.
Right, yeah.
So, moving on, if I may, we are looking to implement core competence across all subdivisions to enable us to optimise capital realisation strategies going forward so that in the next five years .
we will be the leading business provider of robust fusion solutionabilities in both the global and international markets.
OK, yeah, sure.
Which is why I'm looking for a financial investment funding injection package of £10 million.
So, what is it the company does? It's a global? Global international business, that's correct, yes.
Which is? Which is a business that is both global and international.
So, say we were to invest the 10 million, what sort of return could we expect over the first 12 months? Sure.
You'd be looking at a strategic profitability influx margin of between 200 to £210 million.
Sorry, just to be totally clear, the company, it's, it's a? Sure, so, it's a global international business which diversifies outgoing growth potential knowledge projections to increase its strategic sustainability margins, mmm.
Sorry, what is it? Sustainability diversification? Knowledge diversification projections, yes.
Richard? Erm, where's the company based? It's a globally-based company.
On this globe, for example, where exactly would you say it's based? Mmm, well, it's probably easier to say where it isn't based than where it is based.
So, where isn't it based, then? Globally speaking? Yeah.
Tamara, can I have a word with you, please? I'm just having a dance.
Toilets, Tamara.
What's going on? What do you mean? Do you like that bloke? That bloke on the dance floor? Yeah, he was nice.
What about Nathan? What about Nathan? You and Nathan have only just split up and you're already dancing up next to some random.
Nathan split up with me, Emma.
Emma, I don't Stay out of this, Lise.
Right, the thing about me is, yeah, I'm a really honest person.
She is.
So I'm not going to pretend you're not coming off really easy, cos I can't lie to you.
And I'm sorry if that upsets you, but I'm not going to not tell the truth, cos I just can't do that, cos this is who I am.
That's who she is.
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to change who I am for no-one, so don't ask me to cos I won't do it.
Deal with it.
Cos I'm a really honest person and that's just who I am.
Just like I'm not going to stand here and be all two-faced and say you look nice in that dress Don't.
when what you actually look like is a massive fat banana.
You really do.
And I'm sorry if that upsets you but I've gotta be myself, yeah, cos I'm a really honest person.
She is.
And if you don't like that, then I'm sorry, but I ain't never going to not be myself because then I'd be lying to myself, and I can't do that, cos I'm a really honest person and that's just who I am.
That's just who she is.
I think that's enough now, guys.
By the way, Lisa slept with Nathan while you were at your nan's.
Don't worry about it, Lise, he'd slept with half of Romford by the time he got to you.
Just got to be honest, haven't you? Absolutely.
Oh, thank goodness you've come.
We do what we can.
Can I get you a cup of tea? I'll get these bad boys down first.
Where are the Jerries? Oh, er, the mice? Erm, well, they're over there.
Cupboard by the cooker.
So, what now? Now we wait.
So, is it a good time for pest control? I can't talk about that, Madam.
Oh, God, there it goes.
Are you all right? Yeah, no, I'm fine.
Gah! Are you sure you're all right? Yeah, nope, you think you get used to it, and Oh! Look, is there something I can get you? No, it's, erm It's just that, erm Killing things is the part of the job that I hate, so Isn't that the main part of the job? Yeah, which is what makes it very, very hard.
I love the other stuff, so The uniform, the people, the smell of rodenticide in the morning.
Just not the poisoning of the rodents.
Someone's son, someone's daughter, you know? Not really That's a mummy and a daddy, and two babies.
Oh, that's a shame.
All right, give me a minute.
May God have mercy on us all.
"Next up, that 1985 hit from Falco, Rock Me Amadeus.
" Rock me all the time to the top Er war ein Punker Und er lebte in der grossen Stadt Es war Wien war Vienna Wo er alles tat Er hatte Schulden denn er trank Doch ihn liebten alle Frauen Und jede rief Come and rock me Amadeus Er war Superstar Er war popular Er war so exaltiert Because er hatte Flair Er war ein Virtuose War ein Rockidol Und alles rief Come on and rock me Amadeus Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus Come on, rock me, Amadeus Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus, Amadeus Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus Hey! Es war um 1780 Und es war in Wien No plastic money any more Die Banken gegen ihn Woher die Schulden kamen War wohl jedermann bekannt Er war ein Mon der Frauen Frauen liebten seinen Punk Er war Superstar Er war so popular Er war so exaltiert Because er hatte Flair Er war ein Virtuose War ein Rockidol Und alles rief Come on and rock me Amadeus Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus, Amadeus Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus Come on, rock me, Amadeus Oi! Denim.
Crisp packet.
Lucky we were here.
See that? Good morning, Susan.
Ah, erm, er, yes.
I'll be with you in a second, er, Lord Blakely.
Right, so, vase, trifle, and china, so that's So, erm, where were we? Um, er, yes, and a good morning to you, too, Lord Blakely! Got there in the end, didn't we?! I was just coming in to check they'd brought in my blue jasper? Ah, 234 years she's been in the family.
What a beauty, eh? Yes, the, er, the vase, that's on display.
Right, well, Fiona Bruce is just outside in the courtyard.
I'll be bringing her in in a sec to take a look at it, and I dare say she'll be wanting a taste of your delicious trifle, Susan.
Shan't be long.
Oh, er, yes, right.
Fiona Bruce! Um Diane, we've got a code red celebrity situation happening down here, my love! "Oh, hello, Mrs Bruce.
"Er, Miss Bruce.
I mean, Ms Bruce.
"Hello, Fiona Bruce.
Would you care for some trifle?" That's all, er, set.
What are you doing, wasp? What are you doing? Oh! Diane? Can you come down, my love?! Ooh! Diane, we've got an A-list sting potential with Bruce in transit, my darlin'.
Susan, this is Fiona Bruce Bruce! My jasper! Got ya, you bleeder! Not you, Bruce.
DIANE! It's everything about you You, you Everything about you you, you It's everything that you do Do, do Everything about you Hey, Fi.
Hey, Bea.
Hey, Melissa.
Hey, Clarissa.
Thank you for taking us to the concert, Mr Beckford.
It's my absolute pleasure, Melissa.
Did you have a nice birthday? Yah, I had a really nice birthday.
Do you want to see my presents? Totally.
I got a One Direction pencil case.
That's nice.
I got a One Direction Velcro purse.
I like that.
I got a One Direction ringbinder.
That's nice.
I got a One Direction lunchbox.
I really like that.
I got a One Direction flask.
That's nice.
I got a One Direction hot water bottle.
I like that.
I think it's really nice.
And I got a Take That calendar.
It's from my aunty Catherine.
She's, like, bipolar.
'I guess it was a night like any other.
'I was writing up a story about a district attorney who was living way beyond his means.
'He was waving more notes than a fat kid in gym class.
' Night, Ginger.
Good night, Joe.
'That's his yacht.
Pretty, ain't she? 'And I guess the girl's not bad either.
'I had it all figured out.
Just another DA on the take, 'another actress on the make.
So far, so blah, right?' Good night, Joe.
'Boy, could I be more wrong?' 'It was no good.
I couldn't sleep.
'Something had gotten under my skin.
Something in those photographs.
'Something stank like three-day-old fish.
'And it wasn't my three-day-old fish.
'I just had to take a closer look at those photographs.
' Hi, Joe.
'What was wrong with that picture? 'What was eating away at me like a piranha at a pool party?' Come on, Ginger, you're looking at this all wrong.
'And then I saw it!' My God! 'I had a grenade in my hand, and I'd pulled out the pin! 'I needed to call Joe, my editor, not Joe the photographer.
'Or Joe the cleaner.
' It's 3am, Ginger! This better be good.
She has cellulite, Joe! I'm going to win the Pulitzer with this! Forget it, Ginger! You're off the story.
I've had a tip-off the VP's selling nuclear secrets to the Chinese.
How's your Mandarin? Put Jimmy on the Chinese nukes! An actress has orange peel skin! Don't you see? And I'm telling you now to drop it, Ginger! People don't want to know about the physical imperfections of the rich and famous! It just don't sell.
I remember when I was just a cub reporter working for an editor who didn't care what would sell.
The only thing that editor cared about was the truth.
And the truth is an actress has got slightly bumpy thighs.
People need to know, Joe.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but in three months' time while they're waiting for the dentist.
Goddamn it! I'm going to run this story! Oh, you won't regret it, Joe! Hold the front page! We're running with "Famous Lady Has Bumpy Thighs"! Think I'll make a drink.
What do you want, Sal, tea or coffee? Erm Sally Marshall.
I'm from the future.
Listen carefully.
We don't have much time.
The future of the planet lies in your hands.
You must choose tea.
Do you understand? It's your destiny.
It's vitally important that you choose tea! I must go.
Choose tea.
Sal? Tea or coffee? Er tea, please, dad? Oh, no, we're out of bags.
Do you want to pop to the shop, darlin'? Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll just have a coffee.
Oh, well, thanks a lot, Sally Marshall.
Thanks a Argh! Laser in the face! Actually, Dad, have you got a biscuit? If you could marry one of One Direction, who would you marry? I'd marry Niall.
He's really nice.
Oh, he's so nice.
He's nice, isn't he? Yeah, Niall's really nice.
I really like Niall.
Yeah, I really like Niall.
I think he's really nice.
Yeah, I like Niall, but I also really like Liam.
Really? Do you like Liam? Literally.
I think Liam's eyes are so nice.
I really like Liam's left eye.
I like Liam's left eye, but I also really like Liam's right eye.
Yeah, he's got a really nice right eye, I really like it.
I'd marry Harry.
Oh, I really like Harry! Yeah, I really like Harry.
He's got really nice hair.
Yeah, his hair's so nice.
It's such nice hair.
Yeah, he's got really nice hair.
I really like it.
Do you not like Zayn's hair? Right! That's it! It's like a part of me likes Zayn's hair but another part of me doesn't like Zayn's hair.
Is there a story there, Ginger? Is there anything in it? Oh, there's a story, Joe.
There's a story all right.
You just need to know what you're looking for.
Open your eyes! There's a slight overhang on her waistband like the top of a muffin - a muffin-top! Hold the front page! Not so fast! Bump muffin top to page four! This is dynamite! Look at this famous man - he has small pockets of fat on his torso! He's got man-boobs! Moobs? I could kiss you, Joe! Now you're talking like a real newspaperman! But wait! Bump moobs to page six! Look at this famous lady! My God! There's no clear demarcation where her calves end and her ankles begin! She's got cankles! Hold the front page! We're running with cankles! Hello, girls.
Just letting you know that Mummy's stuck at work again, so Mummy won't be home for bedtime tonight.
Will you hold the camera still? I'll give you a list of names in a minute, all right? Hurry up! That's Sergey.
He's a baddie.
Hello! We're not baddies.
We have legitimate aims.
No, they don't.
Oh! I like your pyjamas.
Are they kittens? Don't tell him anything! Ha-ha! Right! Be good for Daddy.
And, Rosie, don't jump on the bed, all right? Mummy will be home as soon as she can steal a helicopter.
I'm Denise May and welcome back to Treat Yourself TV.
Well, you've certainly been treating yourselves tonight because the genuine multi-gemstone Flamingo Princess droplet earrings with matching quartz studded Flamingo cameo has almost sold out.
Only 50,000 left in stock, so what are you waiting for? Pick up the phone and treat yourselves.
Moving on to our next item, and here to present it is Lenora.
Hello, Lenora.
Oh! Hello, Denise.
So, I'm here today to introduce to you a brand-new product that I'm so excited about, I really am.
So it's called the Globaliser, and basically it's an international facilitating device that not only promotes structural stability on multiple levels, but also distributes independent strengthening functionalities globally speaking.
So, it's a kind of, erm well, it's, you know, the kind of thing you'd use when, obviously, when you wanted to, erm Globalise.
That's correct, yes.
Great, great! OK! Well, shall we take a look at it? I'm sure it will become clearer.
So this is it.
And if I can just direct your optical organs to this global accessibility display panel, not only does it enable you to instigate key variables of existing core manoeuvres, but it also promotes intrinsic sensibility fluctuations, on a global scale.
I don't know if you can see this at home actually, but the detail on this is really rather special.
Just look at the finish here.
And the shape.
It really is very unique indeed.
Lenora, talk us through it in a bit more detail.
What are we actually looking at here? Well, it's very simple, Denise.
So, basically, this bit opens up like this, and then you have your immobiliser there and then of course you have your flexibility accentuaters, but then you have your standard global enhancement activators here, here, and thus.
And what's this bit? That's the handle, Denise.
So that, for example, you can take it with you to work or to the supermarket.
Lenora, where are our viewers most likely to use this? Well, Denise, it can be used pretty much anywhere, but personally I like to use it in my living room and at barbecues.
And how much will one of these set you back? Well, it usually retails at a price of six million pounds.
Oh! But tonight, and for one night only, we have a special promotional offer of just two million pounds.
Gosh! So that's a saving of Just four million pounds, yes.
Well, I don't know about you at home, but I can definitely see myself buying a Globaliser.
So why don't you? Come on.
Pick up the phone and treat yourself.
And, for a limited period only, Lenora, tell us what you're giving away.
Well, Denise, with every purchase of the Globaliser, we're giving away a free fibre dispersal catalyst completely free of charge.
And that is a A hairbrush! Of course! Well, that's me sold! I'll tell you what, if I wasn't at work, I'd be buying myself a Globaliser right now.
You can have this one if you like, Denise.
Oh! I do like.
Thank you very much! See you after the break.
That's two million pounds, please.
Come in! Good morning, Prime Minister.
No rest for the wicked, eh? There's your morning schedule.
Thank you, Mark.
Mummy, Mummy, look! Oh, that's lovely, darling.
Don't forget it's your day to take the kids to school.
Mum, I think I drank too much chocolate milk.
Yes, well done, darling.
That's today, is it? Yes, it's on the calendar.
Oh, right, well, if it's on the calendar! What is it you're doing again? I'm pitching to the Swiss, first thing.
Right, yes, of course you are.
See you later.
See you later.
Oh, God! I don't believe it.
We're going to war! What? Yes, I've just had a text from the Foreign Secretary and it looks like we're going to war, so I'm probably going to have to go in early, I'm afraid.
I didn't hear you get a text message.
No, well my phone is on silent so Pushed the thingy by mistake there.
Looks like you're going to have to take the children to school.
Sorry about that.
The Foreign Secretary told you we're going to war in a text? Yes, I should probably have a word with him about that, actually.
Bit unprofessional.
Let me see it.
What? Show me the text.
I can't.
It's it's classified.
Show me the text or I'm going.
There - see? Frances, are you pretending we've gone to war so you don't have to take the kids to school? Oh, my God, Jeff! How could you even think that? You're right.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Aha-ha-ha-ha-haa! I told you it was classified.
Bye, boys! Be good for Daddy.
Bye, darling! Hello I'd like to introduce myself to you I'm that girl from all those adverts That your boyfriend wishes he was married to I'm cute I sound just like a baby when I sing I can play the ukelele And do cartwheels in the rain, that's just my thing I wear dark-rimmed retro spectacles And ankle socks with brogues Now I'm rolling in a meadow in my girly vintage clothes That's right, I'm kooky girl And my favourite mode of transport Is a bicycle with a basket on the front For flowers and French baguettes Cos I'm a kooky girl Look, a fountain! Now I'm in it How original! Who can resist my quirky charms? Adorable, cutesy, nerdy She's feminine and flirty Kooky girl If you need someone to advertise your bank or mobile phones Or your dating website needs more hits, we'll make it more well known Yes, we are kooky girls We're all over your TV Like Zooey Deschanel We're the quirky girl army We're so non-threatening Men and women both love me We'll sell you anything Cos we look so flippin' twee Right, what do you want? We've got digital cameras, we've got perfumes, mortgage deals Quick! It's the fuzz! Laters.
So the transmission is concluded but there is additional material if you digitate the red protuberance, right now.
Push the red button for more.

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