Web Therapy (2011) s02e07 Episode Script

Infanticipation

Previously on Web Therapy I'm not comfortable with any of this.
I have to say.
She pushing me and Hayley to have a baby, and I'm telling you, she's pushing so hard she might just convince her.
I it's just been a recording of the conversation that we just had.
Which I think, if I'm not crazy I'm not uh, it's gonna play great, and the media's gonna love this.
This is more of a a directive.
You will hire Robin Griner.
to be the documentarian of the campaign.
I'm slightly anxious that there's a schism here there's a Ben schism - Oh, hello, Jerome.
- Hi, Dr.
Wallice.
Yeah, I have a busy schedule, as you well know.
Oh, I know, but if you'll look at your itinerary, you'll see that I've actually booked myself for a full session with you, um, right now, from 2:00 to 2:03.
- Okay.
- Um, I I have some news that I think is important to discuss with you.
I'm very excited about it, but it's something that I really think we should share as partners.
- You know, I - Right, well Um I am going to be a father.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
So the commitment is now made even more firm with Hayley.
Yeah, we've been talking a lot, and we've sort of decided to renew our marriage vows after the baby is born.
She really wanted to impress upon me that to love another person is to see the face of God.
- Is wha is what? - And and so I I think that's a beautiful sentiment, and I wanted myself to experience what that would be like to discover, and so I'm very excited about it.
All right, well, hopefully, it won't be too distracting to you It's gonna change my life, it's gonna change my life here.
- Yes, and my life - That's right.
Which means my life, so thanks for including me - I'm ex - I'm waiting.
What? - Oh, sorry, sorry.
I thought - What is that? - Um, oh, this is Tammy.
- Is that Hay ? Tammy, this is Dr.
Wallice, I was telling you about.
- I'm confused.
- Oh, let me get you a chair.
Hold on.
I'm confused.
Jerome, have you become a Mormon? That's funny, Dr.
Wallice.
No, no, no.
This is, uh, this is Tammy.
Tammy is is carrying for us.
- She's a surrogate? - Yes, Tammy's our surrogate.
- Hi.
- Yes.
Why are you in there? Pardon me? - It's Skype.
We're on Skype.
- I'm in my office, as are you, 'cause this is my office.
It's a web chat.
And she's - This is what I do.
- Oh! This is your house? - Yeah, remember, we were - It's so cute.
- Talking about that.
Yeah.
- Oh, my goodness.
We're expecting twins uh, triplets, actually, right? - What? - Yeah, triplets.
There's three of them in there.
Well, how on earth did you end up with three? That's too many.
Hayley really wanted to implant Yeah, like, six went in, and, like, three are comin' out.
Yeah.
- Um - What? - This, like, hurts.
- Oh, I'm do you oh, no, sorry.
My mind is swimming with questions at this point.
I guess the first one is, why is Tammy here at our office? Um, well, 'cause I needed to borrow his car, but, I don't know, he needed it back, and I'd drive myself home, I have to get home now, 'cause the DirecTV guy is coming, 'cause I get a cable hookup as part of this whole package.
- Oh, was that today? - Yeah, it's today, and I would drive myself, but I don't want to be seen in a PT Cruiser, you know? Oh, yeah, did you leave the keys in the car? - I don't know, it's your car.
- Because if it shuts I'm gonna have to drive Tammy back home, - um, real quick, just so that - Or you could take me to the mall, and you can go to my house and wait for the DirecTV guy.
I'm feeling kind of, like, parched, - so I need to get a slurpee.
- Okay, um, all right, well, Dr.
Wallice, we should probably talk about sort of what the parameters I was I was wondering whether I could maybe go onto the mommy track, um, at the office.
Yes, but you won't be a mommy, and what mommy track are you talking about? You're my only employee.
I'm really not Pretty.
Is there a pool out there? Uh, there is, but you actually that's off-limits - to you as well.
- Do you swim in it? Remember, I told you the area - Is it heated? - Uh, you could play around in? I've been having all these, like - No.
- Oh, my God.
- One just kicked, I think.
- Oh, it did? - Can I ? - What? How far along are you? - No, I'm really "sensy.
" - How long has this been going on without telling me? How far along are you with this baby? - Oh, like two months.
- Not that Yeah, more like eight weeks.
- What? - Look, it's very recent.
She started showing right away.
With triplets, apparently, you just start showing.
Pop, like that.
Yeah, it just, like, happened, like, overnight.
Wow.
Well, it's something I want to talk about with you.
Hayley thinks it's important that we take care of Tammy in the best way possible to make Uh-huh.
I'm just curious, Tammy, have you ever been a surrogate before, or, um Yeah, I have.
This is, like, my second like, I've done it before, but usually not for people this poor.
You know, like, I went to their house, and it was, like, I don't know, it just smelled poor, and then I feel, like, is that how I want my babies to be raised? - Your babies.
Yes.
- Well, ours.
We really see this we're all partners in this process, and we all sort of want to Whose babies are they? Genetically, that is.
Biologically? Oh I don't know.
We got 'em online.
- What? - We didn't want Hayley, like - Well.
- We don't want Hayley's eggs.
- She doesn't well, anyhow - What? We got them online, but Hayley wanted to make sure that they were not biologically Tammy's, so - Yes, I understand that.
- They are my sperm, and we were able to get some eggs online, and That's all right.
I I you know, this is just It's so disturbing.
It's clearly This is one of the seven signs.
Well, that's how it's done now.
You can get, like, everything online.
Oh, my God, do you know, I was upstairs, and I was noticing your bed.
Did you get that online? Is that the same bed that, like, the spaceships make? - Well, y - Jerome? Oh, I I told you not to actually go past the area, - remember, outside the kitchen? - I didn't know.
I was looking for you.
I was waiting, I was outside.
- I was, like, melting.
- Oh, that's okay.
My bad.
- Can you put this in? - My bad.
Oh, sure.
- It's so hard.
I'm, like - My bad, my bad.
You know, this is my home, and I will have to ask you, Tammy, to please respect it as such, all right? - What? - I can't have you - Both: What? - Yeah, you can't - I'm sorry.
- Can you translate - into her language, please? - Absolutely.
Tammy, just I'm sorry.
I was, like, upstairs.
I was, like, melting, my brain is fried, and all these pregnancy hormones, and I'm sorry, I saw your bed, and then, when I jumped on it, it looked li the same one that, when the wine is in the commercial, it doesn't even spill over, so I wanted to know if it was - the one the spaceships made - Tempurpedic.
Tempur-pedic, - you do have a tempur-pedic bed.
- Cause, since I'm pregnant, I think it would be something I could use, - and I'm just saying.
- Well, Tammy, it was lovely meeting you.
You unfortunately won't be allowed back here.
- Do you have an ashtray.
- Oh, gosh, no.
You're smoking? - Um, Dr.
Wallice.
- Like, I'm quitting.
As soon as the babies are born, - I'm done.
- Right.
But you know what, that's "nunya.
" None All right, I need to have a session with you and Hayley, and maybe not with Tammy.
There are things to discuss.
Okay, well well, we'll get together, the three of us then.
The two of us the three of us, the six of us, we could all - No, no.
Without Tammy.
- Ex-squeeze me? Ever again, I don't think.
Okay, well, Tammy, why don't you take my car home? Okay, well, I'm gonna be here, because I'm driving his cruiser, - by the way.
- No, no, you can call a cab.
Tammy can ride in a cab, and you stay here and finish your work.
- Well, d - I'm not gonna ride in a cab with someone that doesn't even understand - the directions I'm giving.
- Yeah, I'm gonna take Tammy home, I'll be right back I have got to go.
And finish the work that I have to do, 'cause I've got a pile of it, and I've got a couple of appointments for you.
If anything slips I've got most of your reports filled out, and I also have that I've done most of your fine washables, - so that's pretty much done - Okay.
But getting the wires back into your bras has been taking me a little extra time, that's like All right, but you need to finish it, because I need them.
Yes, I'm almost finished.
I actually brought it downstairs so I can finish it.
Ooh, that's pretty! Yes, it is, isn't it? It's expensive, so why don't you give that task to Tammy - How much ? - Maybe she could children like putting things back into Can I have it? Yes, Fiona.
Oh, well, hello, Ben.
Here I sit, at The Allentown Good Morning show Good Morning, Allentown.
It's Good Morning, Allentown.
That's the name of the show that Oh, so you know the show? Do you know that the show has bumped me? - Yes.
- I come all the way here to hair and makeup, and then, "oh, we're sorry", we're not using you after all.
" Yes, uh, I am aware of all of it, because I'm the one who made it happen, and I'm the one who undid it.
Why on earth would you do something so stupid, when just weeks ago you said, "no, it's important that you go to Allentown", who no one cares about, "because you are beloved there"? And now you decide I shouldn't be on the show? Yes, I've decided that you are inappropriate for even something that no one cares about, because you have a what I would call the opposite of a Midas touch, I'd call it a diaper touch.
Everything you touch turns to something in a diaper.
Oh, I see, so you're the genius of the campaign, who is doing what right now, exactly, while you're driving around in a convertible? It can't be campaign-related.
My God.
I'm you should see what you've done to your husband in the last few weeks with your shenanigans.
I had to pick up his spirits, by sending him in to my person to get some highlights and some Botox done, because he's developed a frown line, and it's got your name on it.
He has grey hair.
What are you going to highlight? You're the purpose of highlights is to bring out the natural, sunny disposition and youth that's trapped beneath the surface, that he has lost, due to an overcast lifetime he spent with you.
That's interesting.
It's an interesting picture, but I don't like how you are casting me as the saboteur of the campaign.
How 'bout, uh, the fact that you made a citizen's arrest of an obese girl? How 'bout that? Well, I was trying to demonstrate how how how useful the new law would be if people were cited for overeating and how much revenue it would bring.
I can't predict what's going to happen.
She was four years old.
I thought that was one of the biggest problems - When you - Toddler obesity.
When you put her in your car and drove her to the police, there was a mother who went on the news looking for her child, with your license plate as the identifying factor.
- How do you think that ? - I didn't see her mother, so I didn't know that it would be a kidnapping charge, - which got dropped.
- Well, thank God, your paramour was able to get you out of jail so that your husband's poll numbers only dropped 30% in a week.
It just makes us more intriguing.
You know, it's interesting, the way you cast me in this role, you know? Tomato, "tomah-to.
" Saboteur, savior.
Let's call the whole thing off.
Thank you for bringing that up to the '90s, Salt-N-Pepa.
Listen, Kip has been working night and day.
He has been on the verge of tears.
I have had to console him, I have had to hold him in my arms and let him just breathe, because he is so up-to-here.
You've held him in your arms? Yes, because he needed a shoulder to lean on and cry on and and to be give we give massages, we're so stressed out.
If you only knew what it's like at the campaign headquarters.
So has Kip made advances? No, I just told you, he has made retreats in the polls.
It's not looking good.
All right, I'm not Okay, brain trust, I'm not talking about polls, I'm talking about whether he has made sexual advances toward you.
I'm his wife, I have a right to know.
What what d what do you mean, sexu of course not.
What do you mean? Kip isn't He's not gay, and I'm not gay, and neither of us are gay, and so therefore - Okay, Lady MacBeth.
- I mean, we there's a very big difference between being gay and being able to finish another man's sentences, and laugh.
Okay, just I sup as I suppose there's a difference between being gay and having sex with a man.
You have a a disgusting point of view.
I've been married to the man for 17 years, all right? So stop questioning every single thing that I say! Do you want proof? I would like some proof.
All right, well, I have proof.
I know of a woman who met Kip at a spin class and then tried to make advances.
They arranged to have a rendezvous in Atlanta, and he couldn't go through with it, because he discovered she was not a transvestite.
- Kip thinks that - He was disappointed that she was not a man, because that's who he was interested in.
Kip has a profound sense of of decency about him, and he, honestly, has a fascination with transvestites for a very simple reason, which is Yes, homosexuality.
No.
No, the opposite.
That they have both points of view, and that's what we like to try and get across with our campaign.
We're reaching everybody.
I'm sorry, I have motion sickness from the circuitous route you took to justify Kip's homosexuality.
He is not a homosexual, all right? I'm just telling you this right now.
I would know.
- I have we have - Why would you know? I would know because we have been in steam baths together, we have we have looked at, um, muscle magazines together, weave wrestled, uh, to get out some of the aggression from the campaign, and there has never been a hint not a hint of electricity or warmth from either of us to the other person.
It has always been business.
Do you hear yourself? You know what's funny? I was watching an episode of America's Next Top Model with Kip.
It was a late night, and we wanted some Chinese food, and they had both Miss "J" and Mister "J" on, and we were laughing, and it was the first time I ever saw him lighten up, and you know why? 'Cause your name hadn't come up.
Oh, well, I hope for both your sakes that Robin Griner wasn't there, documenting Robin Griner? Of the campaign Robin Griner? - What about her? - All right, well, I suppose you should know everything now.
Robin Griner, it was crucial that she be paid by the campaign because she's been blackmailing us.
She is the woman that tried to have an affair with Kip but didn't have a penis.
So you knowingly put a blackmailer in the center of our campaign with She would've gone to the media with that, so I saved you once again.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
She would've gone to the media, so you instead gave her more cameras and put her behind closed doors and in supply closets Well, how was I supposed to know that you and Kip would be braiding each other's hair and doing each other's toenails every night? Your sense of what a gay man is and does is, from what I can tell, wrong.
I wouldn't know.
Oh, gay men don't do that.
I'm sorry.
Instead, they wrestle and watch America's Next Top Model.
You know what? I can't take this anymore.
You are an awful human being, and I cannot take the toxic nature.
You are like a a piece of rotting uranium that it melts everything in its path, so I I am quitting this campaign.
I'm just letting you know right now, you are getting my notice, and when Kip's highlights are done in 15 to 45 minutes, I will tell him as well, and I I am sorry for him! I I pity him! Well, good riddance and good-bye.
Good luck to you.
And bad luck to you.
As the Chinese say, Hello Kip? - Fiona, where's Ben? - I don't he was with you.
He drove me to the hair stylist, I walked out, he was gone, nowhere to be seen.
I had to take a cab back to the headquarters.
I texted him, I said, "where are you?" He said, "ask your wife," so I'm asking you, where is he? Well, all right.
Your beloved campaign manager threw a hissy fit and quit.
Well, obviously, you said something, you caused it.
No, I did nothing of the sort.
He was treating the First Lady not very well, I think.
You're not the first lady, my darling, and even if I get win this campaign, you won't be the first lady.
- Well - Now, I want him back.
Do you understand me? I want him back.
Make it right.
All right, don't worry, Austen will find a replacement very quickly.
It's not a problem, but your hair is a problem.
Are you kidding? What what is wrong with my hair? What? It's just not highlights nor lowlights, it's just sort of a dark headband.
You look like a capuchin monkey.
Ben said it would make me look younger, and I think he's right.
Now, look, I want you to make this right, and I gotta go.
Ben? Ben, is that you? Ben? Is it? He can drive you back to the "hairstylist.
" - Oh, there she is.
- Yes? - Hello.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Oh, look who's here, who I asked specifically not to have here.
- Yes.
- Rude.
And Hayley is and Hayley is not here.
Does that mean that you've left her? - No.
- Yeah, no, Hayley sucks.
- No, um, Hayley - Really? - I hate Hayley.
- Yeah, well - Hayley hates you too.
- Me? - No, me.
- Huh? - Oh, you.
- Of course, me, because it's a person who doesn't agree with everything she says or does.
Well, Hayley was not comfortable coming today, because she felt that and rightly so, that there's That I'd point out the flaws in her life plan? Dr.
Wallice, we felt it was important that you talk to me and to Tammy, who is carrying our - our children - Yeah.
And that we discuss maybe how this is going to impact all our lives.
Does it matter at all to anybody that I'm about to be overrun with a litter of children that I didn't ask for? Well, well, our intention is to find a plan that works for everybody and maybe find an area of the house that can act as sort of a daycare area.
- No.
Absolutely not.
- Yeah.
- That's out of the question.
- Um, actually If I have to go on bed rest soon, I might need to use one of these bedrooms.
No, you won't.
And also we should show her this.
We should show her this.
We're very excited, 'cause we just came back - from the - What is that? A skull? Those are our kids.
Those are our three kids.
- What? - They're real.
They're there.
They beautiful? - Yup.
Mallory, Michael - Oh, stop it.
Well, yeah.
We're picking names out that can work for either a boy or a girl.
Well, look at that.
One of them is very, very, very small.
Well, I think they all sort of come into their own - at different times.
- What are you saying? Right, is this the point where the doctor discusses the reduction with you? - Huh? - Oh, no.
You know, the what's it called? The sacrificing reduction? I don't know what you call it.
- Um, well - What, are you in the Bible or something? No, no sacrificing.
Okay, first of all, I have a contract - Right.
- And each baby brings in "x" amount of money, and also, btw, - I'm a mother, not a murderer.
- Right - Well, you're a - That was well said.
You're a space that's being occupied - by not-yet-living things, and - Well, Dr.
Wallice, - we we believe - Right, well, thank you.
We believe that these are our children.
We believe that human human Really? I believe that that the moon is made of cheese.
- You do? Why? - Well, why not? - No, she's it's an expression.
- If you're going to believe in fairy tales, then why can't I? Dr.
Wallice, Hayley and I both - No one's stopping you.
- We all feel strongly that, um, life begins at conception.
Okay, well, why stop there? Why can't life begin the moment you think about having a child? I thought about having a child, but then I didn't, so I killed it? Well, that's a decision that you're gonna have to make.
Oh, stop it.
Just stop it.
Honest to God.
That's my alarm.
That's the beeping.
Hold on.
What? What alarm? Don't worry.
I'll be right back.
He has this Hayley thing.
- What? - Hayley thing.
- Ugh.
- Here I am.
It's almost more than I can bear, I have to tell you.
- Well - Tell me about it.
- What is that? - Well, this is - this is a little Stacy.
- What? I call her "Stacy.
" Hayley believes that I need to learn a little bit more about nurturing.
And so three times a day Oh, don't pull at it.
- Don't pull at it, don't - Well, I want to play.
There's nothing for me to do in here.
- Right, but I think - Oh, give her the doll, so she has something to do while the grown-ups talk.
- Okay, all right.
Here you go.
- Thank you.
You can practice practice holding it, and I Yeah, I think that I think it really helps [Baby cooing sound] to sort of practice the nurturing experience.
I've found that it's been very helpful to me, and I also want to practice sort of doing my job here at work with one of the babies.
'Cause I'm there's gonna be three of 'em.
We're all gonna have to roll up our sleeves - and pitch in.
- Who all? Well You and the thousand of children that you're about to have? "I like to type.
" Well, three.
Okay.
All right, well, I'm gonna take Stacy.
- Okay, fine.
- Oh, Stacy's tired.
Stacy's tired.
Goddamn it.
Goddamn it.
You know what? - How do you get the leg in? - Just shove it in there.
All right.
Okay, sorry.
I gotta learn It's gonna be harder than that when you have a baby.
- Learning curve.
- I have a question.
How are you going to pay for all these babies? You know, all the food, all of the doctor's appointments? Well, that's that's why I'm here, kinda.
Like, I there's so many things I need, and I think that Jerome needs a little bit of money - Yes, I - To tide me over, and the babies, who haven't done anything to anyone - and need things.
- That's that is true, and I And I need things.
I'm committed to taking care of Tammy until the babies are born, and I believe that insurance the health insurance may has a clause for, uh, prenatal care.
His insurance doesn't cover dependents until he's worked here for ten years.
You're not vested yet, so you're sort of out of luck.
- Okay, well, Dr.
Wallice.
- Yeah.
No, but we have a contract.
Yeah.
No, no, you're taken care of, don't worry.
- Right.
- Nothing's gonna happen to you, but I am concerned a little bit about, um, the babies, and and to make sure that I can continue working and providing for my family.
Isn't that part of the platform, that even your husband, uh, is creating? Yes, but none of it's passed.
I mean, what can we do? Is this what you guys talk about all day? - It is so boring.
- But Dr.
Wallice, if this is something you believe in, I would imagine that you would want to implement it in your own home with one of your employees.
No, what I believe in is that we should stop lawsuits, and then maybe healthcare costs would come down.
- Ugh! You guys! - But whether you're insured - or not is not my problem.
- Well, that's You know how many small businesses are suffering because we have to provide health insurance for all of you? - It's very expensive.
- Yeah, they wouldn't be suffering if I had a little more money, so I could get some stuff for the babies - Right.
Okay, well - And that's what's the story.
- Don't just come right out - You know what I mean? Like When are you having the babies? - When are we done with you? - Can you see this? Does this show on here? Like, does that look on camera like I'm - like, have a different eye? - Yeah, she sees it.
Yes, it does.
Why don't you go into the bathroom, maybe look in a mirror, and amuse yourself for 40 hours? - Can we please - That's a long time.
- Um - Okay, you ow, I have to go, - actually.
TV's coming.
- Oh.
Supposed to be there from 9:00 to 6:00, so Right, right, right, that's right.
Uh, she's a small a small flat screen TV - is arriving today.
- Okay, small? You know, it's the one we talked about.
Okay, well, then, if it's that small, it's going back.
Right.
It's the one we talked about.
- It's the one we talked about.
- Okay.
- Okay, well, good-bye.
- I'll be there.
Goodbye-ee.
Okay.
- I'm waiting.
- All right.
Mama! Oh.
God.
Learning curve.
- Hello, Ben.
- Hello, Fiona.
Um, I guess I should just come right out with it and tell you that I am back on the campaign.
Kip insisted that I call you first.
I haven't even told anyone on the staff yet.
Um there's a lot of things going on in my mind.
But first of all I just want to say to you that I'd like to offer some kind of, I don't know, peace pipe, I guess.
We're gonna have to learn to get along.
But the one good thing that we have in common is Kip.
What? I feel like I've just been tossed around in a washing machine, um Wait, what's happened? What - Huh? - I I I don't think I was listening to you when you first signed on.
I was just so shocked that you were there.
Did you I've been trying to reach Kip, and I couldn't.
He's not Oh, he's not answering.
He's not picking up his phone.
No, no, no.
He's not in the mood for that right now.
We've had an afternoon.
Oh, it would make such a good movie.
What, a buddy romp or something for logo? Anyway, he's at my place, so and I don't get cell reception.
Why was he at your place? We needed to he needed a place to shower.
We, um we were at the club, and we were playing handball In the middle of a campaign? You just got - Yeah, we just we both - Botox and highlights, - and then a little handball? - Yes.
Yes! Okay, well, this is a nice job.
Why on earth would you quit? It was such a whirlwind.
I wish I could Oh, if I could speed you through time So you had a date, in other words? No.
I wouldn't call it a date.
What I would call it is two people who discover they have a lot in common.
You know what I mean? Have you ever had that? Have you ever just realized, like, "wow, do I know you?" I thought I did, but now I do.
" Um - I - Are you crying? Huh? It's you know how it is when you feel like you've been in a dark room, and you are in a dark room, and you are scared of what's in front of you, and that person is able with breath does he have squares of cinnamon just tucked away in pockets? Okay, so you lied to me before, because you are having sex with Kip.
No.
When I told you five hours ago that there had been nothing physical between us, that was, in fact, at the time, the truth.
All right, well, whatever this is, or whatever it will be, that's I don't want to explore it with you right now, all right? So let's just remember one thing.
Robin Griner is there at the campaign with cameras, so you two are going to have to really keep it in the closet, so to speak, all right? I'm the one who will be calling the shots of the campaign from now on, all right? And Well, I'll have to run that by Kip.
- I mean, I really will.
- Oh, you can run it by him, run it over him, or run it all over him.
I don't really care.
All right? I'm the one who will be calling the shots of this campaign.
And make no mistakes there is only one First Lady of this campaign, and it is I.
And she is wearing a cable knit sweater that is really too bulky for her build.
Okay, well, now you're just going overboard.
Well, how was I supposed to know that you and Kip would be braiding each other's hair and doing each other's toenails every night? Your sense of what a gay man is and does Yes, it does.
Why don't you go into the bathroom, maybe look in a mirror, and amuse yourself for 40 hours? - Yeah - Can we please That's a long time.
Oh, gay men don't do that.
I'm sorry.
Instead, they wrestle and watch America's Next Top Model.