Web Therapy (2011) s02e09 Episode Script

The Insanity Offense

Previously on Web Therapy We're very excited because we just came back from the, uh-- from the-- What is that, a skull? Those are our kids.
Those are our three kids.
They're real.
They're there.
Mom has been very, um-- I'm not sure how healthy it is, her behavior around the children.
Just this very morning, she came downstairs, and I mean, it was horrifying because she [Sigh] She was wearing her pajama top but she had nothing on the bottom.
Oh, how disturbing.
It was repulsive.
- She's not even of sound mind.
- No.
So I brought in an attorney to help convince her that she should sign over her power of attorney to me.
- My band - Yes.
- Jimmy Vivino and the band - Yes.
I asked them to take care of your neighbor.
And, uh They took care of.
Now that I've taken care of your problem and no one connects you to me Right.
You take care of my problem.
I never agreed to that arrangement.
You're already angry.
We haven't even had our first session.
That's new.
What? Um, I, uh-- I can't do this right now.
[Jazz music] Mm! [Modem dialing] Oops! Oops! Eating fried chicken no less? You know what, this is-- This is a good thing, all right? Don't eat fried chicken at my desk-- My glass-top desk! - Excuse me.
I had to talk to you anyhow, so Where is Jerome? Where is he? Jerome! He's getting more biscuits.
Well, you're trespassing.
So just pick up the grease, and leave my desk, please.
Okay, you know what, that is so besides the point.
Jerome needs a raise.
Okay, so you're going to be negotiating for Jerome? Yeah! Oh, okay.
This should be fun.
You know, because I can't keep living like this.
Okay, 'cause frankly they're tapped out.
Well, that's not a surprise.
They're always going way over their heads, but I know, right? I fail to see where it's my responsibility.
You're the only one that has any money here.
You're the only one that can help me.
I mean, do you not understand? I am-- I am a young business.
Don't you wanna help a young business? In this economy? I--Look at you! I've read some things about you, Dr.
You're on a plane right now.
You're on a private jet.
You have a private jet.
I don't have a private jet.
My babies don't have a private jet.
Well, I don't have a private jet.
This is a friend of ours, Austin Clark.
Right, well, you know people with private jets.
- Yes.
- And so I'd like to know people who know people with private jets.
'Cause that's how I want my babies to be raised with that kind of opportunities.
- I mean-- - I know, but I-- Do you have any compassion? You know, and if you don't, then I'm just gonna take these babies somewhere else because I don't want them to be raised like this.
Well, um, you could do that, but then I think it would be called kidnapping and you could go to jail, because they're Jerome's sperm.
They're biologically his.
Uh-uh? Well, that's a compelling argument, but-- They're not Jerome's sperm.
What? Hayley didn't want Jerome's sperm.
I mean, have you seen his family? She met his family, and apparently their house smelled like Indian food.
And the whole place-- It was like-- They-- Out of all of them, Jerome's the handsome one.
- Oh.
Really? - Jerome's the strong one.
So she was like I don't even want that juice in my juice of my baby's juice.
So it was a whole thing.
She was like "uh-uh.
" So I went online, we got her eggs, and then I took care of it.
Okay, so the-- So-- And by the way, shh! And Jerome doesn't know.
So keep it on the down-low.
He thinks they're his, but they're not.
'Cause Hayley went behind his back.
All right, there's so much-- So you see why I need your help.
I mean, I don't even know these people that I'm dealing with.
- Right.
- And I am just-- I'm having a really hard time.
Yes, let me help you, all right? I'm gonna give you some good advice.
You hightail it out of there.
And get those precious, innocent babies to Non-deceitful people.
'Cause you are allowed.
It's well within your rights.
Go ahead and find richer folk who want to adopt these anonymous children.
I don't wanna-- I don't wanna give back the TV.
And, you know, all those horseback riding lessons.
I just-- All right, well, that's fine.
It doesn't matter.
Because you know what? I'm going to get my team of attorneys who I have at my disposal and we will just charge you with extortion.
Because that's what you're doing to Jerome and Hayley and now me.
[Laughs] Oh, my God! Gullible! Did you know they took "gullible" out of the dictionary? I'm just kidding.
It's-- It's Jerome's sperm.
I was just kidding.
You're kidding or lying? I'm getting a clear picture of you now, okay? I was kidding.
I'm just trying to make you laugh.
Well, you're a liar.
That's what I know now.
For all I know, you're not even pregnant and that ultrasound wasn't real, you know? Maybe you're just some Stupid fat girl trying to make money this way.
I mean, you seem so Irresponsible.
And illiterate it seems.
You barely know English.
Fat! - What? - Fat? I'm not a fat girl, okay? I'm not a fat girl! You and my mother-- You know what, does this look fat to you? Does this look fat, okay? FatFatFat you! Fat! You know what? Mine, mine, mine.
- No, those are mine.
- No, ah, ah.
You know what? Where is my phone? Mine! [Sigh] Look! - That's my bag.
- Mine! Fat girl.
That's not your bag.
Fat! Yech.
- Yes, it's crap.
- Fat crap.
Yes, it's crap.
Oh, but you're leaving the chicken and your babies-- Your foam babies.
Wh-- Tammy? Wha-- - Jerome.
- Dr.
- Yes.
- Wh-wh-what's going on? Listen, it's such good news.
Oh! Fiona.
- Mother-- - No, darling.
Don't say a word.
I must speak with you.
No, but you're in the facility still, right? Yes, darling, I am.
And I know you expected me to be comatose and drugged up.
Well, I kind of did.
You failed in that pursuit.
I'm completely in full command of my facility.
Comfortable enough to be in a play as Florence Nightingale Because you're so sane? I have a performance tonight, my dear.
I have a performance tonight here at the asylum.
I won't be able to come if that's why you're calling.
I'calling you because I have-- I need your help desperately.
I've tried to reach Kip and I cannot reach him.
And I--I need your help immediately.
You know, when you came up to Boston, and you had me declared incompetent over that silly little "no-panties" deal when I was only having fun, Fiona.
Well, what's so fun about exposing your-- your-- your genitals to your grandson? Try it sometime, dear, and you'll find out.
I'll pass.
But this is not what's important.
I didn't get on the-- We call them computers.
I didn't get on the computer with you, yes.
Clearly, it's 1902 for you.
Please let me express myself.
When I was here at first, I thought, oh, this is fun.
I'll have a good rest, I'll loll about, you know? I met a lot of, uh-- You know, crazy people are absolutely a lot of fun.
Oh, wonderful.
And I was having fun here with them.
- Good! - But then when I found out I didn't have mall privileges, I called up Kip and asked him to have me declared competent so that I could go out and about and buy a few things.
- And he did? - And he agreed, of course, as he always does.
He's always there to help me.
He's a great support to me.
WellI now need to have the competency order rescinded because I--Well, something very unpleasant has happened, - something inconvenient.
- Mm-hmm.
And I really need a good legal defense, and insanity will be the best thing.
Well, what happened? It was an accident-- A terrible, terrible, terrible accident.
And how it all started, it's hard to describe.
But I came into this facility.
And at first I enjoyed it as I said.
And I went to art therapy class.
Oh, the most wonderful thing-- They-- We made puppets.
We made puppets, Fiona.
And we enjoyed them so much.
And we did sock-o drama with them.
What? In fact, I'd like to introduce you to my puppet.
May I? Maybe I need to talk to one of the nurses there or-- Oh.
Fiona, this is little Putsy Petite.
Do I need to address? And you say hello to Putsy.
- All right.
- No, no.
No waving.
"Hello, Putsy.
" Hello, Putsy Petite! Petite Putsy, this is your sister Fiona.
I'm not really a sock's sister.
[Muffled] Hello, Fiona.
Oh, I thought you were-- She's brought me so much pleasure, Fiona.
I cannot tell you.
[Muffled] Why, thank you.
Mother, do doctors or nurses ever stop in to check on you? What happened is I was so good with my puppet that I would go to different rooms here in the facility and, uh-- And people got so much pleasure out of it.
You brought so much pleasure, didn't you, Putsy? [Muffled] Yes, I brought a great deal of pleasure.
Oh, that's wonderful.
You're like a celebrity at the insane asylum.
And icon really.
An icon.
And kind of a rock star, wouldn't you say? [Muffled] Oh, I was a big rock star.
No, it's adorable.
I was kind of an upscale Patch Adams, really, is what I did.
Didn't see that movie.
When I would go to my, uh, my fellow inmates - and I would go to their rooms - Yes.
I had created this device, you see? I thought, well, what's in it for me? There was absolutely nothing in it for me.
Oh, they were getting all this pleasure and laughing and enjoying themselves.
And I did have fun at first, but then I thought I might as well clean up here too.
And so, I-- I brought into the-- My act, the disappearing meds, uh, aspect.
And what they would do is [Muffled] "I want Percocet.
" I want Percocet.
Give me Demerol.
" And so then they would feed their-- Underneath the tongue, there's a hole.
And they would just put the pills--All their meds-- Even syringes.
They could get a nice syrin-- Demerol syringe in there or capsule.
A vial, we call it, here in the medical community.
Is there no supervision at this place? They would put that in her mouth, and then it would go down the tube, and gather in this sack, and you see-- I had built up such a stash you wouldn't believe it, Fiona.
You were stealing people's medication? Well, I wouldn't call it stealing.
I would call it relieving or transferring, um, medicinal modality to another receptacle.
So you just hand them out randomly to people? Well, no, I don't hand them out.
Are you kidding? I took them so that I could make a little cash while I'm in here.
You were selling drugs! How am I gonna get nylons or chocolate bars or People Magazine or anything like that? I've got to have some money! No, you need People Magazine if for nothing else than to look at a date.
'Cause nylons and chocolate bars-- You're causing me to digress.
There are people who like to have drugs.
I mean, I personally-- Well, here.
This one, I remember this from Studio 54.
I had--I'm pretty sure this is at I Used to take with Jackie Onassis.
What? You went to Studio Fift-- - It was a load of fun.
- You knew Jackie Onassis? How about you? Would you like a pill, Putsy? [Muffled] I think I would like one.
Don't-- Well, don't take them now! I just-- I-- Don't take it now.
You see what fun it is? She just eats the pills and she just loves them.
Give me some! [Gulps] All right, Mother, there's a lot going on.
I don't know why I'm explaining this to you.
I don't have to explain anything to you.
Well, it seems that you need my help.
So you have no choice.
Yes, I want you to call Kip.
Get off the line right now and call him.
No! Because my poor roommate Mabel has died.
- What? - I need this legal defense.
I need to be declared insane because I think-- Well, I don't think, I know, because I couldn't get a pulse.
- I've killed my roommate.
- Your roommate? Well, she was elderly anyway.
So it's-- It's not that I took many, many years away from her, but I was close to her.
I've become very close to her.
Mother, what happened? What happened is, uh Mabel was such a good actress.
That's why I enjoyed improv-ing with her so much.
And we were doing One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, and I was playing Nurse Ratched.
And, um, you know, I was forcing her to take her meds.
I said, "you--" [Muffled] "You will take your meds.
You will take your meds.
" [High-pitched] "No, I won't.
No, I won't.
" [Low-pitched] "Yes, you will.
Yes, you will.
" And I forced them into her mouth.
And, um, the puppet choked so realistically.
It was unbelievable.
Well, how was I to know that she was standing off to the side with fistfuls of-- of pills, putting them into her-- and she did actually choke.
It is an accident.
I can't-- I mean, of course, I did have the medicinals here handy for her.
Okay, I understand.
I'm tempted to have one of these right now.
No! I don't think that's a good idea.
You need to stay clear, 'cause you don't-- Anyway, what can I tell you? Mabel's dead and I did it.
Mother, is that Mabel behind you sleeping in her bed? Why don't you simply rouse her, and then you don't have to worry any more? - All right, I'll go check.
- She looks very old.
And the elderly slee-- - Dead as a doornail.
- Oh.
All right, all right.
Well, listen.
Mother, please, be strong.
Oh, no, don't steal from the dead woman.
- I got her iPad.
- Oh.
She won't be needing it any more.
And they have such wonderful computer classes here.
I cannot tell you how I enjoy them.
That's wonderful, Mother.
I'm gonna try to save your life.
Will you please pay attention to me now? Yes.
Pay attention.
This was an acc-- All right, Putsy Petite, you too! You have to pay attention, the both of you.
This is an accident.
This is not murder.
The only crime you're guilty of is drug dealing.
Somehow, it could become related, so you need to keep quiet.
Do not say a word to anyone.
I'm the only one who knows.
Wait! Don't say a word to anyone.
She probably died of natural causes, all right? Can you do that? I'll take that as a yes.
And mother, can I ask you one more thing? Yes, dear.
Um, are you wearing a fake bottom, or did you have work done? See, so I've installed an auto hard drive which will back up your system every single day.
All right.
You see, 83%.
- That's the status bar.
- All right.
Good, good.
Thank you.
I can read numbers.
None of this would've been necessary had you not allowed that Tammy person into my office and at my computer, Jerome.
Yeah, I know.
And luckily, it was only that one time, so-- For all we know It was that one time.
Well, it wasn't the biggest thing about the whole Tammy fiasco, if you ask me.
Well, that's true and you're welcome.
Happy to have saved you from that criminal.
Oh, thank you.
Believe me.
Are you kidding? I've never been more grateful.
I mean, 'cause now, more than ever, I know that I wanna be a father.
And Hayley and I are talking about having even more likemultiples [Computer chimes] - Oh, it's finished! - Maybe five.
All right, good.
Get me coffee, please.
Oh, and no soy! I like milk! [Computer blips] Oh! No, I don't want to talk to you.
That's okay, you don't have to talk to me.
I just want you to listen.
Go to your window and listen.
- My window's-- - Yeah, right there.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
[Buzz saw whining] There's a-- Why is there a saw? Ah! [Cackling] - You hear the saw? - Oh, no! Tim-ber! [Imitates tree falling] [Laughing] It's not very funny, all right? It's-- No, actually, my job is to know what's funny.
Well, then you're not good at your job.
That was a 300-year-old tree that just was felled by you.
Yes, I felled the tree.
Yeah, I didn't realize we were in the 17th century.
And you should probably also-- You should probably also know that my sidekick, my assistant Jerome, was standing right next to it and it fell on top of him.
And he was trying to move, but I couldn't see that he was able to get out from under it.
So luckily, I think one of the neighbors - is calling for help.
- Did someone get hurt? Well, I saw a little blood and he keeps trying to move.
- He's still there.
- No one's supposed to get hurt.
He got hurt.
Oh, that's definitely hurt.
Those idiots! They're not supposed to hurt anybody! They were just supposed to chop down the tree.
Yes, well, and someone got hurt.
So how do you think that's going to look in a police report or worse, once the tabloids find out? You're not gonna tell anybody.
This is-- Who's not going to tell anybody? This is private.
You're a therapist.
This is private.
I've-- It's supposed to be confidential.
Well, I think when there's a crime, then of course I have to report it or it'd be unethical not to.
Okay, don't tell-- Don't tell anybody.
No one has to know about this.
This is-- Can we-- Can this-- I think people do have to know about this.
No, people-- I think maybe TMZ.
And that's a video show, right? They show video.
And I have this recorded, so-- You don't record this.
No one record-- This is not recorded.
You didn't say this was recorded.
No, I said that I wasn't recording, but that was a lie.
I have to record all my sessions, especially the ones with celebrities, because I need it for insurance--My insurance.
You cannot show this to anybody.
Nobody can see this.
Just nobody can sse-- I'm America's Sweetheart.
You can't-- I don't understand where Julia Roberts fits into this.
No, I'm the male version of-- She's the woman-- I'm the male version.
I'm the-- Just because you know Tom Hanks doesn't mean you are Tom Hanks.
No! I'm-- They're movies.
I'm saying in my genre, in late-night television, I'm America's Sweetheart.
Not in the movie gen-- That's really not how it comes off though.
Listen, I-- No one can see this.
You don't want anyone to see this? I don't want anyone to see it.
Then replace my tree.
It's a 300-year-old tree.
But please, this time, get one that doesn't have so much sap.
You want a 300-year-old tree that doesn't drip sap.
That's gonna-- gonna-- You have people who can figure that out.
It's gonna be very expensive.
It will be very expensive.
Okay, fine.
You might have to go to a national park to get one.
That's probably illegal but I-- My-- My band can get it.
But that's not all.
I also would like to appear on your show so I can talk about Web Therapy.
You wanna be a guest on the show.
Preferably on a night when Andy's guest hosting.
Does he ever do that? That would be fun.
No, he doesn't guest host.
I'm the host.
He doesn't guest host.
Well, you might wanna consider it, maybe once or twice a week.
He would have no facility for that.
He's fine when the pressure's not on, but if you put him in that sit-- That'd be a-- I'd hate to watch that show.
- Tell you that much.
- Well-- That'd be a train wreck.
You wanna go on a train wreck-- People love to watch train wrecks though.
I'll get you on the show.
I will get you on the show.
Thank you! You'll get the tree and you'll get on the show.
That's wonderful.
Thank you.
Will you-- Destroy this tape though.
No one can-- This thing-- If this thing ever got out, I'd be through.
Okay, yeah.
I'll destroy it.
I mean, this thing's like a sex tape at this point.
You know, those things always have a way of show-- Not really like a sex tape.
Well, it's-- This is as close as I'm ever gonna get - to a sex tape.
- Right.
- Let's put it that way.
- Okay.
- 'Cause I don't-- - Right.
No, and I don't think it helps me to be in a sex tape with you.
Well, we're not in a sex tape.
I'm just saying.
Well, you call it a sex ta-- I'm just not sure-- I'm trying to get-- Talk in terms of your lingo.
I don't know.
I'm telling you that this is something very explosive.
This is something that would ruin my career potentially.
Right, but you're gonna fix it.
So I'm not going to show it to anybody.
- Good.
- You just have to trust me.
I'm an ethical person.
I only lie for good reasons.
Okay, all right.
So this is going away.
This is just going away.
You'll get the tree.
You'll be on the show.
And--And we're good.
And when I am on your show, we could go over the benefits of Web Therapy.
Just-- You've just demonstrated anger in a very real way.
And fear! And maniacal laughter! So those are many of the emotions that exist on the Emotional color wheel.
Yeah, it's just now I'm feeling this terrible sense of shame.
I mean, I've never really - had that sense before-- - Dr.
Wallice, I'm back.
Oh, now I have to go.
All right, I'll be in touch.
The lines at Starbucks Hey, you know the tree is down? - Oh? - Soy latte.
[Vacuum running] No, you listen to me, Ben Tomlin.
I'd like to know exactly who you think you are to question one of my requests for petty cash.
I'll have you know I'm spending the thousand dollars on a cleaning crew for the plane.
Yes, a cleaning crew.
I don't know what you and Kip do, set off glitter bombs? Yes, I need a whole crew to do it.
- No! - Oh, shit.
- Hi, Fiona.
- Oh, no.
Thank you so much for accepting my call.
Listen, I apologize right off the bat.
I really apologize for my behavior the other-- The other times we spoke.
- Okay, well, that's-- - I was totally inappropriate.
And I shouldn't have called you when I wasn't fully ready.
Yeah, I guess you were a little un-- It's unsettling, I think, to go into therapy for the first time.
Yes, yes.
That-- This whole thing is-- It's just not easy for me, and, um-- And I'm just-- Thank you.
Thank you for seeing me.
Oh, sure.
All right.
Can you--Can you let me in? What's that now? What? Um, I'm here.
I've been waiting here for-- No, that's-- That's my house.
Yes, I've been here for an hour.
- Are you here? - What? 'Cause you won't, um-- You won't answer the door, which is weird.
'Cause I keep ringing.
Where are you? Your car's here.
Yeah, I'm not there.
An hour? Wonderful patrol we have in the neighborhood.
Which room are you-- Is that your-- With the light on over there? Is that you? Please let me in.
No, I'm-- You can't--You-- Look, we need to speak, okay? I have to see you in person.
Well, we are speaking-- My therapist said I need to confront my demons.
You have a therapist? - We need to talk in person.
- No no, we don't.
In person? I never talk to anybody in person.
What are you doing? Well, I will be the exception to that rule, Fiona.
- Well, you're the stalker - No, I-- No.
- Is what it seems to me.
- I'm not a stalker.
Do you have-- Do you have a key here? - Is there an extra key? - What? No! Of course there's not an extra key.
Don't start looking around.
No! We don't keep it under the mat.
Don't-- We don't keep it, period.
- Where is it? - We don't have one.
Well, when are you back? I need to see you.
We need to-- I can't find my phone.
I have to call the police.
No, don't--Don't-- - That's what I have to do.
- Please don't.
You don't need to call anyone.
I'm leaving, okay? - I'm leaving, I'm leaving.
- And not coming back.
No, of course I-- I can't promise anything.
I need to see you.
That's-- That's what this is all about.
But you are able to see me this way.
And that's the only way I see patients.
I don't even see anyone in an office.
I don't see anyone in person.
[Tapping knocker] No, no! No one-- No.
Would you please open the door? There are only very large armed security guards in there.
These are for you.
These are for you.
Please open the door.
Oh, well, since you went to the trouble of getting me flowers-- Stalker-- I will let you in.
Come on, this is really silly.
The way you're behaving is totally, totally wrong.
- Come on.
- I'm wrong? - I'm not home, okay? - Let me in! Let me in right now! Oh, good, louder so someone will call the police.
Let me in, you fatherfucker! You keep using that phrase and that doesn't mean anything.
We say "motherfucker.
" We don't say-- Is that-- Did you call the cops? Did you call-- Well, the neighbors probably did 'cause you've been hanging around, loitering and-- Okay, we're gonna-- I'm gonna talk to you.
God! God! Fatherfucker! No, no.
Verbally, no waving.
Hello, Putsy.
Do I-- Hello, Putsy.
Here, I'll just do this.
Yeah, if you can do that, yeah.
Just make sure it doesn't-- And the same way when you come back.
Oh, my God! But when he asked you, you wanted to save it.
- The neighbor? - Yeah.
- Yes, well.
- Oh, shit.
When the neighbor asked you the first time-- Motherfucker.