Web Therapy (2011) s03e01 Episode Script

Relax, Reboot, Revenge

Previously on Web Therapy I've learned to monetize this gift I have, and I think I'm going to call it "Net Therapy.
" What? I'm going to be taking a little bit of a leave, because I've been working a lot with Dr.
Hodge.
What? Hayley will step in for me while I'm with Dr.
Hodge - Oh, no.
- to work for you.
No, I'm going to Santa Fe, New Mexico, with Ben.
- Oh.
- We need a little time apart.
I pitched I pitched Whistling While I Worked as a musical, and they loved it.
- Yeah, they loved it.
- What? It's gonna be called Whistlin'.
What? I took a pregnancy test four times, and I got four pluses.
We are having quadruplets, daddy.
This is truly paradise.
It's exactly what I needed.
So beautiful.
It's nice to just look at it, too.
You don't have to go down there and deal with it, you know? Okay, well, that's enough of that.
And then we have to call me on your computer.
There I am.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- And here I am.
- This is web therapy.
- Welcome to web therapy.
- Thanks for having me.
- Well, here - I'm so screwed up.
That's funny.
People never say that when they really could.
- I love your laugh.
- Oh, thank you.
Last night was very special.
It really was.
It was just exactly what I needed what the doctor ordered.
Thank you, doctor.
And thank you, myself.
I don't know why I'm looking at you there when you're right here.
Well, because the whole idea is that you're looking into the laptop, and that's how we see each other.
Just so you could experience my work, you know.
So how does this How does this work? Well, this is how it works, is that I you know, we my clients and I speak to each other over the Internet like this, and I conduct a session.
And you find this to be helpful? Very helpful.
And I don't have to have an office, and I don't have to have proximity.
We had proximity last night.
And look where that led.
Yes.
I can't do that with every client.
I should hope not.
I hope my beard didn't tickle too much.
No, it's very soft.
You must use conditioner on it or something.
I do.
Everything about you is so well-groomed.
- You're well-groomed, too.
- Thank you.
But you're much, much more than well-groomed.
So are you.
You're a very special woman.
Thank you very much.
And I think last night, in my opinion, was a transition for both of us.
Oh? It's a point in my history, and in your history, that we will remember, and we will cherish Yes.
- and we will build upon.
- Memories, memories.
They're important.
Do you have memories of the future? I No, I don't.
- It's not impossible.
- Well I have a memory of our future.
Really? Aren't you leaving I thought you were going back.
I love you so much.
That's soon.
I'm sorry, that sounds strange.
Well, I don't think it's strange.
It's not like I haven't experienced someone falling in love with me before.
But it is very soon.
And yet, not soon enough.
- I think I'm in love with you.
- Oh.
That's really lovely, and I'm sure, if there were more time, you might become someone that I could be in love with.
- You're being very guarded.
- But Guarded or reasonable? I mean You're ostriching.
What? Are you familiar with what ostriches do? Yes, they put their heads in the ground.
It's a little more complicated than that.
Well, I don't see it that way, but I can tell that whatever seminars you attended while on your company retreat have been very useful.
You're taking them to heart to use as a sales tool.
You don't want to be seen.
You don't want me to see you.
And I saw you last night.
Yes, well, that's sort of part of the deal when you engage in that kind of sport.
That's what you're doing, Fiona, you're Wait a second.
Fiona Wallice.
- I just noticed.
- Oh, yes.
You're that You're Fiona Wallice.
- Yes.
- I had no idea.
Do you know Oh, so you've heard of me.
Have you heard of me? 'Cause - Yes.
- Oh.
Well, I'm happy to know my work is getting out there.
- Oh.
- That's wonderful.
This sheds a light Not from the campaign.
That's not It's from my work, probably.
And now you know my last name, and you know who I am.
- I do.
- WellOh, well.
I guess, you know, having an anonymous tryst, - a shipboard romance - You're pulling away.
Oh, maybe I am because I know that it's over.
So Because you're leaving.
It's only over if you think it's over.
And I don't think it's over.
Oh, well, that's a different situation.
- You're you're moating.
- I'm moating? - You're moating.
- Emoting? No.
- Not emoting.
- Okay.
- That's a completely different - 'Cause I don't do that.
Right.
- You don't do that.
- No.
You're putting a protective barrier - Oh.
- around yourself - Okay, and you turned it into a verb.
- full of You can turn any word into a verb.
- Not really.
- Words are interchangeable.
- Words can be verbs or adverbs - They're really not.
or adjectives.
It just depends on whether you put a "Y" on the end, or whether you make them active.
Mm-hmm.
You are moating, and when you put a moat around your heart, then you cannot emote.
That's fun wordplay.
You are so special.
And I'm going to bring who you really are out, going to awaken that which I saw last night.
If I say "Okay," does that make this over? So where do we go? Where do we go from here? Well, you're going to go.
Your plane waits for no man.
You should start plane-ing.
Time to go.
Don't you think? Wouldn't you say? Yes.
It's good to make the move.
Oh.
I have a feeling we're not done here.
Oh.
- Hey, Dr.
Wallice.
There you are.
- Hello.
Hi, Jerome.
Hi.
It's good to see you.
You look great.
Thank you.
Yes, I do.
I haven't I haven't talked to you in a couple of weeks.
I've been trying to I've left you a couple of messages.
Have you gotten any of them? Oh, well, you see, that's my horrible assistant.
Oh, well I don't know what's wrong with Hayley, but - Well, I do know.
She's horrible.
- No, you know, she's been really stretched kind of thin, so I'm sort of picking up some of the slack for her.
She's been working on the musical, and, uh, it's really going well, so I wanted to maybe lend her a hand while I was here at Net Therapy, working for Dr.
Hodge.
- Hold on a second.
- She's not a doctor.
Net Therapy.
Can you hold, please? Net Therapy, please hold.
Sorry about that.
We got a new composer for the musical, uh, Franny Marshall, the Tony-nominated - Oh, she's known.
- Yeah.
- I've heard that name.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- She did shows - Jivin'.
Jivin', right.
I've heard of that.
Couldn't see it, of course, 'cause - It was really good.
- Well, that's what you say.
Yeah, and she was gr and she's great.
She's working with Hayley, and they're I think they're really making a lot of progress.
Well, that's impressive, but, unfortunately, I don't really care.
All I know is the option check cleared, so I'm happy.
Well, it looks like you're getting some R&R, - which which is great.
- Yes.
No, I've been having a wonderful time, actually.
Came out here, you know, to Net Therapy.
Can you hold, please? Net Therapy, please hold.
You know, the Conan appearance that was promised by Conan O'Brien.
Yes.
But then, somehow, you know, something happened with the producers, or they weren't prepared, or either it wasn't going to be useful to me wasn't going to be useful to me.
Right, so it didn't work out.
Net Therapy.
Can you hold, please? Sorry.
You know, you really You're keeping 13 people on hold.
- That can't be good.
- I know.
I'm going to be doing intakes with them in a couple of minutes, and that was one of the things I was going to tell you.
- Oh, you're doing intakes? - Yeah, Net Therapy's exploding, and I want to thank you for a lot of the inspiration for that.
- It's been very exciting.
- The inspiration for it? Net Therapy.
Can you hold, please? I'm so sorry.
You know, inspiration and plagiarism, there's a fine line.
Right, right.
You know, inspired by, stolen from.
And I'm also very grateful that you're able - to understand that - Who said I understood? Some of the things are gonna sort of fall by the wayside.
'Cause Austen's been trying to reach you, and I haven't been able to get those messages through to you.
No, I don't care, though, because I can call Austen whenever I want.
Oh, okay.
I don't want to, because I'm punishing him.
He got Gina pregnant.
You know, Gina Spinks.
- Gina's pregnant? - Yes.
And so, while he still wants me by his side, I'm sure, I just feel like I need to distance myself a little.
How far along is she? Do you know? I don't Three, four months, or I'm not sure.
Net Therapy, please hold.
Um, that's amazing.
Huh.
Okay.
Well, I will, um Well, I'll leave it to you, then, to to contact him.
Yes, I will call him.
Net Therapy.
Can you hold, please? Net Therapy, please hold.
Net Therapy So now I'm just I get to enjoy myself.
Good for you.
Good for you.
You know what? You deserve that.
You deserve to take care of you.
Yeah, that's what I'm doing.
Especially after what you've been through.
Take some time off when things don't work out The Conan thing falling through and the campaign fiasco No, everything's working out just fine.
Your husband running off with the campaign manager, that could not have felt good.
But that was fine with me.
And all the financial problems.
I'm I don't I am so sorry about all that.
What financial problems? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I am very busy.
- I hear you.
- I'm on vacation.
You should take all the time in the world to sort of recharge.
I think that's really important.
And let the Let us do the heavy lifting.
You know what I'm saying? The heavy lifting for me? Well, for Net Therapy.
I mean, there's so many positive reviews for Net Therapy that Google started to pay attention at that point and is making us a huge offer.
It's going to be, like, in the seven figures.
It's amazing.
We're all going to be rich.
- "All"? - Well, we all.
We all are going to be rich.
I mean, Dr.
Hodge, obviously, is the mastermind behind all this, but I feel Oh, is she the mastermind of my idea? Well, it was something that, I think, - that was in the zeitgeist - Really? How dare you.
After I provide the idea that my mother steals from me, and you help it into her car for her, so she can drive off with my work.
This is a company that I've built - Graham? - And now she's taking Graham-meister.
It's Google.
What? Dude, don't make me guess.
Does it have a seven in front of it? - Fiona, Fiona.
- Yes? Ah, thank goodness you answered.
It's been months.
Well, yes.
A few weeks, I guess.
I've been so, so worried, and so missing you.
Well, I needed some time.
It was kind of devastating news.
Are you you're better now? Yes, I am.
I'm I'm better.
I understand.
Uh, I've I've, uh I have something to tell you, Fiona.
Oh? I'm going to marry Gina.
I need to have a legitimate heir to inherit the castle and my empire.
And so I'm going to marry Gina.
But I want to tell you immediately that this will not affect our relationship at all.
- Well, I don't know.
- You will still be You'll still be You'll be married.
So I wish you luck in your relationship with Gina.
Fiona, please, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I bought you that apartment you liked in New York.
The penthouse? Yes, the one on the Upper East Side.
Yes.
I'll just, uh, send you the link here.
There, it's coming now.
- Yes, I have it.
- You got it? Yes, that's the one, yes.
I actually bought the whole building, 'cause I just thought, you know - It's a wonderful building.
- It's a lovely building.
- That's a great investment.
- Uh-huh.
And it's a great investment in our relationship.
Okay.
I want you to be at the top of that penthouse, and, like superman, I will fly down and scoop you up and take you to balls.
- That's so - And galas.
nice of you to buy me a penthouse, and in my name, or? Absolutely in your name.
Oh.
Then it's a true gift.
It is a true gift.
It's for you.
- It is yours, Fiona.
- That means a lot to me.
And I want you to be there waiting for me, so that when I come over from Scotland, when I leave Gina behind, leave my whole life here behind, as I'm going to, because as soon as the baby's born little Angus, he's a boy.
Oh, you get to know that already.
- Yes, I saw the picture.
- Oh.
He will be born.
The very next day, I will file for divorce.
And that afternoon, I'll be on my jet, flying to that little aerie on the Upper East Side, where you will be flapping your beautiful, little, blonde wings.
With the baby? No, the baby will remain in Scotland to be looked after by my team of nannies.
Oh.
Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah.
- Oh, lovely.
Nice, warm environment.
Oh, okay.
Oh, so nothing's changed.
- Nothing's changed, Fiona.
- And Gina's on board with It's been difficult for her to comprehend the situation, - but - Oh, well, yes.
It's been difficult for her to comprehend anything.
Is she the hormones, or - I hate you.
- See? Oh, hi, Gina.
I'm not I hate living in Scotch-land Easy.
And I can't understand what anybody is saying.
- It's difficult, I know.
- And I hate them.
It's a difficult accent.
I know.
- You see what I mean? - Well This is just endless, endless, endless.
If it wasn't for that little bundle of joy wrestling under that leopard skin What the fuck are you saying? I don't understand you.
I don't understand you.
What the fuck? It's They are difficult to understand.
I have trouble myself, sometimes.
It's so nice to speak to somebody who speaks American.
I know, you must be very lonesome for it.
- Very stupid, annoying.
- Yeah.
I can't understand you.
- Oh.
- Why don't you speak English? You're better off not understanding.
What does it matter? You're in a beautiful, old castle, okay? You know, it's like you're a princess in a castle.
It smells.
It's old, with old furniture.
Why can't you buy new furniture? They're antiques worth millions.
They're heirlooms.
- You know what, Gina? - And that's not a tomato.
What's a to-mah-to? I'm so tired of this.
I'm so sick of it.
It's awful.
That means that means "tomato.
" And I'm thirsty.
Do you want me to get you one of your mocktails? - Yes.
- She understood that.
- Oh.
- I want my mocktail.
'Cause I guess you can't say "cock" in this country.
Yes, you can say cock.
We have cock-a-leekie soup as one of our delicacies.
What the hell is cock-a-leekie soup? It sounds disgusting, like I would die from it.
No, I know, they have strange food in Scotland.
But honey, I mean, do you think you should be drinking? - No, it's not a it's not alcohol.
- It's non-alcoholic.
It's the only way I've been able to stop her drinking alcohol, is to give her these mocktails.
Oh, so she It feels like you're having a drink.
Yes.
Appletini.
Oh, good.
All right.
You can still party, then.
You feel like you're partying.
- Mm.
- That's clever.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, good.
So you're happy.
I worry.
I worry so much.
It's so, so good.
I hear.
So I hear.
Um, could we just talk girl talk? - Yes? - You know, I've been talking - to a girlfriend - Mm-hmm? And I don't really think that this is the most opportune time for me to get married, because my tits are looking really fantastic and I really should not be boycotting the clubs.
But it's not good for the baby.
I don't think You shouldn't do that, though.
- Well, right now, I'm not.
- Yeah.
Yeah, but when he sticks it in me, - it barely reaches the baby.
- Well The baby is way up there.
It'd have to be a It doesn't even get in my vagina.
- Excuse me, excuse me.
- WellReally? Having sex with this one is like, as we say in Scotland, throwing a sausage up a close.
Is that The close would imply cavernous? It's like a vast stairwell.
I used to see those ads in the American magazines for vaginal rejuvenation.
I never knew what that meant.
Now I do.
- Oh.
- Well I have met a vagina that needs rejuvenating.
Well, totally, I'm ready.
I want lots of plastic surgery.
Stop spending money on used furniture and start spending money on fixing my vagina.
Yes, well, you can make many plans.
Plus I'm gonna have the baby.
- It's good, you know? - Right.
- After the baby.
- After the baby, you can do anything you want to your vagina.
- Of course.
- Yeah I'm not even sure I'm gonna marry you, honestly.
- We have to get married.
- Wha You're carrying my child.
I will not bring an illegitimate heir into the world.
Well, then why can't you just pay someone to teach it to read? You have enough money.
No, "illegitimate.
" It's She thought you said "illiterate.
" - Nope, that's a different word.
- Fiona - You know, it's Let me - God, I miss you.
I understand.
Let me help.
You know, I think what you're not seeing here, Gina, is a wonderful opportunity.
So, you know, if the two of you get married and then Austen has his heir - Right? - Mm-hmm.
which is what he wants, and then you don't want - to be married, right? - Right.
So you can get divorced almost immediately after.
But here's the even better part, - is you have a pre-nup.
- That's great.
- What's a pre-nup? - A pre-nuptial agreement, that before you get married, you're guaranteed a certain sum of money, say, oh, $75,000 if you want.
Give her 100, give her 100.
Oh, my God.
Butt out, butt out! Why are you always in my business? I want $75,000.
Yes, Austen, please, let the ladies conduct their business.
- Yes, okay, I'll do it.
- Good.
Are there any any other conditions in the pre-nup? - Conditions? - If you want, you don't ever have to have sex with him again, - starting right now.
- That's great.
- Yes, right now, never again.
- Great.
- No sex, no kissing.
- That works for us.
Good, that works for us.
Then you can get married, have a fairy-tale wedding - I'm sure.
- Oh! Uh, it's my fedex with my nachos.
- Oh, okay.
- Bye, you guys! - Love you! - Yes.
Ooh.
- You see? - You're welcome.
Thank you, thank you for sorting that situation out.
If there's anything more I can do - to show my appreciation - Well - Beyond the penthouse? - Yes.
That's just a Which is I have to say, it's a lovely start.
So thank you.
Well, there is one thing.
- Mm-hmm? - I don't know.
- Do you have Google over there? - Sadly, yes.
They're ruining my publishing wing.
Oh! Well, how would you like to ruin their day? Oh.
Oh, my God! Is it really you? Oh, my goodness, you're Franny Marshall.
- I am.
- The composer! I'm thrilled to meet you.
- The subject of my musical.
- Yes! You know I'm finally seeing you, wow.
I've been banned from the set.
You should know that it's not out of disinterest.
Okay? I'm really I'm not allowed to be on the set.
I gave my rights I signed my rights away to the book that this is based on, so That's a tragedy.
People should see you! Thank you very much.
Well, especially if it's about me, you know.
The visual is so much better than My husband Kip has dragged me to every one of your shows.
"Dragged"? Well, you know.
Yes, and he loves them - Skippin' and - Skippin' and Hummin'? And did you see the baseball musical, Innin'? Innin'.
No.
No, I did not.
We missed that one.
Oh, yeah, I was nominated for an Outer Critics Circle Award.
Jivin', I think was one of them.
You don't like the letter "G," do you? Uh, no, it's just it's more Broadway - to leave off the "G.
" - Right.
It really brings in the audiences.
Right, like a loosey goosey sort of - Yeah, it's - Neither here nor there.
Yeah, it's just, like, loose.
- Not proper.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- That's interesting.
- Yeah, so I hear it's going very well.
Yeah, oh, gosh, it is just - I mean, it's gonna be a smash.
- Oh? You know that the musical is called Fiona! exclamation point.
- Oh, no, I didn't.
- Yes, it is.
I thought it was called Whistlin'.
That's the subtitle.
It's Fiona! exclamation point and then, in parentheses, .
Oh, I'm not sure if that's okay, because I think the names are supposed to be changed.
Oh, well, we really needed to get your name in there, because you are such a I mean, it's money in the bank.
Oh.
I mean, look at you.
There has not been a villain like this on Broadway since What? - I can't even remember.
- A villain? I don't know, have they done a musical about Charles Manson? - Because - No, the It's a hero, who's bringing down a very poorly run and, you know, abusing-their-power sort of finance institution.
- Oh - Yeah, Lachman brothers.
It's kind of gone in a different direction.
Oh.
It's a very, very evil character, but it somehow lends itself to Broadway.
So the kind of evil that you love, or - No.
- Not evil, it's just sort of No, the, like, evil evil that you hate and that makes you feel uncomfortable and almost scared Well, who's gonna want to see that? Oh, I think there's an audience for that.
I mean, we have All the other characters are very lovable.
It's just the character Fiona is detestable, and it's just so the it's so, you know, theatrical and Okay, you know, I guess it worked in Wicked.
Right? It was witches and They were both, you know But it turned out It turned out in Wicked that the bad witch actually turned out to sort of have a heart.
- But in this - Yeah.
Fiona doesn't.
See, that's the twist, is you keep thinking that she's gonna turn around and you're gonna like her, but you never do.
You never like her - Huh.
- the whole time.
- How unsatisfying.
- It's like magic.
It's like crackling electricity in the rehearsal room.
The problem is that songs were just flowing from me, and then, all of a sudden, I don't know what happened, I just hit a-a block, like, a writer's block.
Oh, do you want me to help? - Well, I - As a therapist, I can certainly help with writer's block.
Even though you're not a licensed therapist - Well, I am.
- I thought I Oh, you you are? Credentialed, yes.
- Really? - Well, yes.
- That's not what I heard.
- Well I whether you're licensed or not really doesn't matter - I am.
- But, you know, I just thought, "Why don't I call the person who's the inspiration" - Uh-huh.
- "And even though "she's not a licensed therapist, "she still has had some experience, and it's better than nothing.
" - And I am kind of stumped - Or "nothin'.
" - So it's kind of like a - Yeah.
- What? - It's better And it's kind of I don't know, I just thought, "Let me Let me give it a shot," because I don't really know what else to do.
I mean, I've been drinking like a maniac.
- Oh.
- That doesn't seem to have helped.
- Usually it does.
- Oh.
Maybe 'cause the premise of the show is at fault.
Oh, no, the premise of the show is gold.
I mean, I'm very happy with that.
I feel like the failing is in me.
- Well - I feel like maybe I'm not drinking enough.
I know I've been having some blackouts.
I could've been writing brilliant songs during the blackouts, I just don't know because they're blackouts.
- You know? - Yes.
No, I do.
That's how blackouts work.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's the problem.
Well, why don't I hear some of the songs? - Okay.
- If that's allowed.
Let's just not We won't tell Hayley, okay? - Okay, please.
- Let's keep it We'll keep it, like, doctor-patient confidentiality.
Okay, even though you're not licensed, but we'll just pretend that we have that.
- But I am I'm licensed.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, you're gonna This one is so sweet.
- This is the top of the show.
- Okay.
It's when Fiona's just a little child, about maybe fifth grade.
- Oh.
- And everybody's She's in the playground, all the kids are around her, and they're all singing.
Fiona, Fiona why are you so fat? Fiona, Fiona no 12-year-old should look like that she's fat, but not the cuddly kind she's got the personality of a porcupine Fiona, Fiona why are you so fat? She's fat! Fiona, Fiona why are you so fat? Really fat! Like that, but kids, so it's like, "Really fat!" - You know? - Yes.
Yeah, so that's a cute isn't that cute? - Well - It's just you as a little - No.
- little fatty.
Well, but it's not accurate, so So, okay, now here Oh, this one, I don't even know if I can get through it.
I get emotional.
Okay.
So this is you in your late 20s after a string of failed relationships.
- That didn'thappen.
- You're in a spotlight.
And it's the end end of act one.
Alone, forever alone destined to be alone no friends, no one to bone really completely alone because of my personality Good, right? It's heartbreaking.
It's heartbreaking, but I don't know who it's about.
Okay, now this one, this is more of a, like, a lighthearted this is sort of a comedy number with the ensemble.
There's a great, like, you know, tap routine in here.
I've never been loved.
I've never been lo-o-ved can't get a date to save my life just want to be some gay guy's wife Right.
but nobody comes knocking nobody comes kno-o-cking on my woman door on my lonely woman door ba dum ba Hmm.
No - Still blocked, huh? - No! - No, that's shit.
- Yes.
- That's not a good song.
- No, right.
Let me You know what? Let me offer I'm going to be the bigger person, all right? Set aside personal feelings about the content, and I'm going to help you as a mental health professional, all right? Why don't you send me the script? I'll look it over.
And we can meet.
You can get a good load of me, okay? Isn't that what you show folk like to do? Okay, okay.
Well If I haven't drunk myself to death by next week - Oh.
- It's a date.
You know, I am starting already, just knowing that we're gonna meet, - I'm getting an idea for a song - Oh? because I'm looking at you.
I'm feeling so blue and blue is definitely not my color I'm fe-e-ling so blu-u-e and I look terrible in blue Oh.
- See, there you are.
- There I am.
- Yeah, now let me - There you are.
Yeah, well, I have to call myself I'm sorry.
I didn't call.
Let's start it again.
If I say "Okay," does that make this over? Oops.
How's that for improvising? "No.
I reject it.
Let's stop talking.
" "Does that make it over?" We're having a business conversation.
Right.
That's right.
Yes, Alan, plea "Alan.
"