Weeds s01e07 Episode Script

Higher Education

Previously on Weeds: -The puppies are coming off, Nance.
-After reconstructive surgery you're gonna feel good as new.
Better! So, Blanca, take all of the clothes.
Go ahead.
How are you set for furniture? You protect your dong and you swing like your life depended on it.
You just have to make it look like a bakery to legitimize your dealing.
What made me think I could run a bakery? Don't look at me, I'm fucked up on cornbread.
I wrote a gangster rap about killing Devon Rensler.
He's got the whole school calling me Strange Botwin.
You American dogs have 24 hours to comply and leave our country, or else.
What am I gonna do with him? Dude, what's your major? Are you in the freshman facebook? What are you doing here? I'm taking the "Create Your Own Small Business" seminar.
That's alarming.
Why aren't you teaching it? Are you kidding? Teachers make shit.
I'm here to expand my client base.
I stand at the back of the class, and I say: "As an accountant, shouldn't you?" Blah, blah, blah.
Confuses the hell out of everyone.
Finally, all the students, they just give up.
And that's when I give them my business cards.
Minimum: 14 clients, guaranteed.
How genius is that? What are you taking? I'm taking a flier.
Silas needs a tutor.
You should take ceramics.
Get your fingers in some clay.
That's very sensual.
It's very Demi Moore.
-I'm certainly not taking your seminar.
-Smart move.
All you're gonna get in there is an earful of my bullshit.
But with ceramics, you can make a bowl.
-I'll think about it.
See you at the kegger.
Here you go.
-Who's this? -This is Max.
-I can stick six quarters up my nose.
Let's see.
Connecticut, Massachusetts New Hampshire.
I can't let you stick New England up your nose.
You got lucky.
What else you guys up to? Mom said we could play, as long as we did our homework first.
-What homework? -Science.
They're still teaching science? I can help you with that.
What do we got? What do we got? Yeah, this is new science.
Okay, we're gonna forget this.
I suck at science, but I'm good at life.
So I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go online.
We're gonna order the teacher's edition of your book.
-We can do that? -Of course.
Can we order sea monkeys too? I ate one once.
What did it taste like? -Lemonade.
Okay, I'll give you that.
Hi, Mom.
Hello, sweetheart.
Where's Dad? Oh, he's getting your double-double with extra cheese.
Good man.
Wanna flick some peas? Don't be scared.
Mommy's fine.
I'm not scared.
Well, then come over here and give me a kiss.
House pediatrician to the ER.
Hey, you wanna watch some TV? Sure.
You know what? Later, I'll give you some money and we can go down the end of the hall and raid the vending machines.
Okay, okay, okay.
Listen up.
Now, if you ever wanna get laid, you gotta learn to cook at least one thing.
Shane, go grab me those carrots.
Okay, now, here is how we chop vegetables.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! My finger! Yeah? Right? You also gotta learn at least one good joke.
You guys try.
Butter knives.
Butter knives.
-I'm Max's mother.
Eileen Dodd.
I'm Max's new best friend, Andy Botwin.
-Come on in.
-So you must be Shane's favorite uncle.
That's me.
How'd you get stuck playing daddy? Nancy's out, and the maid went down to Tijuana to buy cheap synthetic hormones.
-My eye! -Max! What is it? -What is it, honey? -What should I do with his eye? -You should eat it.
-That was no fun.
Well, no, it's only fun until someone loses an eye.
Well, that's what you've been teaching them, huh? No wonder Shane loves you.
Yeah, you know, teaching him how to cook.
-We're making oso buco.
-Oso buco? I love oso buco.
Wow, Max and I were just gonna do drive-through.
-Hey, there's plenty for everyone.
-Can we stay for dinner? -Well, that's up to Uncle Andy.
-Uncle Andy says most definitely.
Okay, great job, guys.
-Eileen and I are gonna finish up here.
-Okay, cool.
Let's go to my room.
It's so good to see Max finally find a friend.
So you're a single mom, huh? -Yeah, sort of.
-Sort of? -Yeah.
Just going through a bit of a rough patch.
-Trial separation.
-Oh, yeah? I'm really sorry to hear that.
Must get pretty lonely around here you know, all these hermetically sealed houses chemically treated lawns.
Yeah, well, I mean, it's all about the kids.
My friends, well, they're-- You know, they're.
You know what? The truth is, I don't have any friends.
-They're just my neighbors.
-I'm completely unattached, you know.
I wake up to a blank slate.
I don't plan anything.
It just happens, then I run with it.
We've got an hour.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, no.
You're gonna get it for that.
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Isabel.
-My little sweetheart.
-Grand Pat! Here I am, all the way from Florida.
It's much cleaner there.
So how are you? -Oh, just-- -What have you done with your hair? Nothing.
I'm just wearing it loose.
Oh, no, sweetheart, that's a mistake.
If you had hair from my side of the family, it would be fine.
But you have the Jew hair from your father's side.
So wear it back until you're old enough to get it straightened.
Mother? -Yes, sweetheart, I'm here.
-Mom? -I'm going to the vending machines.
-What vending machines? Neither of you need anything from a vending machine.
-What are you doing here? -You're sick.
You're my little girl.
How would it look if I didn't come? My whole church group is praying for you.
Even Mr.
Daniels, the cripple.
-Where's Dean? Have you seen Dean? -Has he left you? Yes, he went to get me a cheeseburger.
A greasy cheeseburger? Now, that is what I call passive-aggressive behavior.
Spouses of cancer victims often act out because they're not getting all the attention.
-Yes, dear? It's thoughtful of you to come.
Okay, what percentage of 75 is 12? Eight percent, 12 percent, 16 percent, I can't do this anymore.
My brain is, like, totally fried.
What? What underwear was I wearing last Thursday? -Powerpuff Girls.
-Not that fried.
What? What did he say? How do you know how to do that? -Hey, guys.
-Silas and I are through for the hour.
-How did it go? He's gonna do great.
Thank you, Sanjay.
Let me get my wallet.
Thanks, Sanjay.
Bye Megan.
What is this, kind of conspiracy? I looked up a few things.
Botwin, if you know anyone else who needs a tutor or has any work, actually, I'd really appreciate it.
I'm paying my way through school.
What's a smart guy like you doing at Valley State? Well, I'm a highly intelligent underachiever with debt.
It's all about the Benjamins, Mrs.
I'm very nervous.
I spit up some vomit and swallowed it.
Just breathe.
Think about the Benjamins.
-I think I'm starting to feel better already.
-There you go.
Who the fuck's mom are you? Not yours.
Because if I were, I would have taught you how to treat a stranger bearing gifts.
-Gifts? -Gifts.
If you want more where that came from, find my man, Sanjay.
He's got the hookup.
Have a nice day, kids.
Party on.
Remember to brush your teeth.
Do your homework.
Yeah, right.
Nice mom ass.
-Oh, God.
-I wanna bite you -Yeah? -everywhere.
Oh, God.
Oh, God! Oh, my God! Okay, okay, okay.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Oh, no! Delivery for "Professor Shane Botwin.
" He's grading papers right now.
I'll sign for it.
Oh, God! -Can you guys ship a whole body? -We ship anything, kid.
Hey, Nance.
You just missed the dynamic duo.
I'm so glad Shane and Max are playing together so well.
Thanks for lending a hand.
Sister, I've lent you a hand, a neck, some other parts I don't feel comfortable talking about.
What's that? Let me put it this way: if Eileen ever dies in a plane crash I have her dental records.
-Andy-- -That woman is a werewolf.
My son finally gets a friend, and you go and fuck his mother? -Actually, she came on to me.
-Let's guess how this is gonna turn out? You'll get bored, dump her.
She'll never let her kid near this house again.
This will not happen.
This cannot happen.
You are gonna continue to fuck the biter until Shane and Max apply to separate colleges or you run out of soft tissue -whichever happens first.
-But-- You've made your bed, now fuck in it.
I just feel so helpless.
Why do you do this to me? I mean, you've never let anything go.
You still blame me for whatever it is children make up -to blame their parents for.
-I don't blame you for anything.
Well, your cancer comes from somewhere.
Yes, from an irregular cell on a mission.
In a weird way, this cancer has almost been a blessing.
Oh, hello, Pastor Williams.
No, she's not good.
She just called her cancer "a blessing.
" Oh, no, I won't be here that long.
Of course I'll make the church cruise.
Bless you.
Well, I hope my strength helps her too.
I need an ounce of Electric Haze, Big Bud Grape Crush, White Russian, Blue Rhino-- Slow down.
You ordering enough for a Snoop Dogg pool party.
-What's going on? -I'm expanding.
-Whole new territory.
-You can handle that? I've got it under control.
Hey, Sanjay.
Calm down.
How many orders on your cell phone? Sixty-seven? No, we can handle this.
This is a good thing.
No, I'm at my dealer's house right now.
No, you didn't! -What did you do that for? You compromise my business like that again, I will fuck you up! -You hear me? -No, don't fuck me up.
We're about to make a lot of money.
I'm cornering the college market at Valley State.
-Lord have mercy.
Sit your ass down.
Go on, sit down! Now, if we gonna stay in business together, you got to learn some rules.
No talking on your cell phone in my house.
That shit will get us popped.
You think that's smart? -No.
-Damn right, it's not! The whole world don't need to know you got the hookup.
Or you gonna be talking to your kids through a cage.
You feel me? I feel you.
Now, it's like a pyramid, baby.
You want to be at the top.
You got people beneath you, and they got people beneath them.
Those soldiers do not know you.
And they damn well better not know me.
And get yourself some disposable cell phones.
-You hear me? -I hear you.
-You hear me? -I hear you.
I do.
Leave your order.
Come back later.
Every time I leave here, I feel like such an asshole.
Only deal with people you know.
Don't take unnecessary risks.
Always get paid in cash.
No credit, no lOU, no "I'll pay you Tuesday.
" They got the cash, they get the stash.
Here are your cell phones.
Never dial out.
Only receive calls.
Yousef, Anou, Shaheed.
In two weeks, you dump them.
Everybody remember, be careful out there.
Slap my ass.
Slap my ass! Come on, slap it! Holy crap.
What the--? What is this? Who would do this? -Pennies! -This is cold.
Cold, trite, evil and fucked up! It's a commuter college.
There's a lot of displaced anger here.
Displaced on my car! Fucking community college losers! Hey, it's a state school.
Shut up! Sweetheart, you don't need that.
It hurts me to think you won't be getting asked to your prom or wearing normal-sized clothes because your parents aren't watching out for you.
Look at this house.
You're growing up like a gypsy.
Your mother gives away furniture and your father isn't man enough to stop her.
-What did I do? -Stop picking on her.
-Yeah, we're tired of you working out your psychotic bullshit on the family.
Me? Psychotic? Who used to open the back of a scale with a butter knife and pull out the springs before I weighed you? I went through two dozen scales before I figured it out.
You did that? Yeah, it used to drive your grandmother crazy, because she's cheap.
You've never appreciated my good nature.
-Unlike Mr.
Daniels, the cripple.
-How dare you.
Daniels adores and cherishes me even with his unusually large head.
-I have nothing more to say.
I'm going for my powerwalk now.
I suppose none of you wants to join in with this sensible, healthy activity? -Best friends for life.
-Yeah, best friends for life.
It's okay.
It'll be our little secret.
This has never happened to me before.
It's not okay.
I think it's probably for the best.
I mean, I was getting bored.
I mean-- Look, it was fun and it was great, and.
I mean, gosh, thanks for everything, Andy.
It's not okay.
And please promise me you won't say anything to Nancy.
I wouldn't want anything that happened to affect the boys' friendship.
Shane and Max really click.
It's not okay.
-Who you piss off? -What? -Nobody.
It was just kids.
-Somebody mad at you, girl.
What you going on about, Conrad? Somebody pennied that girl's ride.
-Oh, hell, there goes my collateral.
-What? No.
Nobody-- It was just kids at Valley State playing a prank.
Someone's hating.
You better slow your roll.
You pissed off somebody, probably another dealer.
No, no.
Everything's going really well.
I'm outsourcing.
Built my pyramid.
Took the Egyptians centuries to build theirs.
I appreciate your concern.
Everything's going fine.
That girl's got too much hubris.
This is so not okay.
Hi, sweetie.
Oh, Mom.
I got a 98 on my science test.
That's great, sweetie.
Did you show your Uncle Andy? Oh, no.
Good job.
I made two wrong, just like you said.
Just to make it look real.
Stick with me, kid, you'll be going to Berkeley.
I heard about your little problem.
Don't worry, I'm sure it was just a one-time thing.
Although sometimes these little problems can last a long time.
Anyway thanks for taking one for the team.