Weeds s01e10 Episode Script

The Godmother

You're cute.
Previously on Weeds: We just mostly hang out, get high.
-You're an idiot.
Fuck you! -That was Dad's lighter! -He gave it to me.
-What is wrong with you? Give me your fucking bag.
I just got ripped off by some campus cop at Valley State.
You need my protection more than you think.
Your rent-a-cop is a dealer.
-Nice haircut.
-It's a wig.
Oh, right, the cancer thing.
Can I pet it? -I love you.
-What are you doing? -How can I make it up to you? -Here.
This is yours.
I didn't realize who you were.
I mean, I knew who you were, I just didn't know who you were.
I'm so sorry.
You feel like a big man? -All macho and shit.
-She got jacked for, like, 14 grand-- She got jacked for 14 grand.
Not us.
Not me.
No, see, I got my shit tucked away safe.
Boy, it wasn't your job to defend her.
That man was just protecting what was his.
Just like any man would.
But, see, you got to go up in there and beat the shit out of him with your little buddies.
For what? For her? So she think you a big man? Big strong man.
You her fucking errand boy.
Gonna fuck my shit up after all the years I done sacrificed for you for Vaneeta, for everybody, for what? For somebody who ain't even family? Somebody too hardheaded to listen, don't know what the hell she doing? Growing too big, too fast.
But, no, she gonna jump in there before she even know the lay of the land.
But there you are with a big old net, waiting to catch her just in case she fall.
She gonna fall, all right.
She gonna fall and land her lily-white ass right on top of your head.
Hell, on top of my head.
Grind all our shit up into the ground.
-I'm sorry.
-Yes, you are.
You ain't gonna see her no more.
She come over here, you disappear.
You will have no contact with her whatsoever.
I mean, you even see a white girl on television you change the channel or I will freeze you out so cold you'll have to carry your ass to the North Pole to defrost.
You hear me? I hear you.
-I'm warning you, girl, I am in no mood.
-What you want? -I think I'm in labor.
My grandbaby? My grandbaby's coming! Oh, Lord, that's-- Girl! Come on, let's go! Get my bag! -And? -No biting.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
-I'm not gonna bite anyone.
-Under any circumstances.
No matter how provoked you might be, there will be no biting.
-Stop it! I'm not gonna bite! -Thank you.
Listen to me.
Thank you for not biting.
You're welcome.
You don't even know if he's gonna be there.
-Who? -That guy you like.
-I don't even know if I like him.
-He's creepy.
-He's not creepy.
-Yes, he is, and he smells like flea collar.
-We have to go.
We're gonna be late.
And bow.
Nice job.
-Good clean fight.
-No teeth.
No teeth.
Go get them.
-Oh, hi, Peter.
Hi, Peter.
-Nice to see you again.
-You too.
-I was hoping to hear from you.
I've been meaning to call.
I should have called.
-You still have my number? -I do, I have it.
I'll call you.
We'll have fun.
I guess Shane's reputation precedes him.
Okay, I'm the celebrity, and you be the publicist.
-You're so hot.
-Really? -Yeah.
You're so hot.
-Do I look hot like this? Yeah, you look really hot like that.
Mom, can Peggy sleep over? Well, she doesn't have any of her overnight things.
But we have extra toothbrushes, and tomorrow she can borrow one of my incentive outfits.
-All the tags are still on.
-You're so hot.
You have excellent hair and you know it.
-It's an $8 haircut.
-It smells good.
-When did you smell my hair? -At the restaurant.
There were overtones of tomato sauce and garlic bread.
But underneath it smelled clean and leafy.
Shit, that's my doorbell.
What time is it? Quarter after 1.
Oh, God, I gotta go.
-We're on for tomorrow? -Yeah.
Yeah, bye.
-Is this your son? -Hi, Mommy.
-What did you do? We caught him and his girlfriend breaking into one of the model homes, high.
We're guessing ecstasy.
-You told me you were sleeping at Brian's.
-Oh, I am so thirsty.
Do we have grape soda? It has to be grape.
Officer, I will attend to this in a grave and serious fashion.
You know, taking ecstasy is like taking ice-cream scoops out of the brain.
Where's Megan? She's out in the car with my partner, being very difficult.
Won't respond to any questions.
She's deaf.
-Seriously? -Told you! Silas! -Do you need her address? -Yes, ma'am.
Thank you.
I wanna thank you so much for bringing my son home, officer.
And I promise you this will never, ever happen again.
It better not.
You know, this is a very critical time in your child's life.
His brain is developing.
You don't want it all hollowed out by the time he's 20.
I certainly don't, officer.
-Good night.
-Ice-cream scoops.
Mom, this is.
This is the softest thing I've ever felt in my entire life.
Well, enjoy it, because when you come down I am going to make your life unbelievably hard.
Is that for you? Yeah.
"Andrew Botwin.
" Me.
That's a letter for me.
Because I'm someone who gets mail.
What? They wanna send me to Iraq, Lupita.
You're so hot.
Oh, good Christ.
-They found me, man.
-Who found you? -The fucking Army, that's who.
Years ago, in Colorado I was trying to impress a lady friend, and there was J├Ągermeister and I signed up for the Army Reserves.
Then I forgot about it.
Now I get a letter saying I gotta report for duty or face military prison.
I don't-- How did they find me? I mean, I'm off the grid.
I'm Off-the-Grid Andy.
Well, you got busted for possession.
And now you're In-the-System Andy.
Well, you gotta help me, man.
You're on the city council, right? Tell them that my city needs me.
-Needs you for what? -I don't know, for planting trees.
Starting a youth program for troubled teenage girls.
I could help if you got a ticket for littering, but that's all the juice I got.
-Fine, then I'm a conscientious objector.
-No, you signed for the Reserves on your own free, drunk, horny accord.
You're fucked.
Well, I am not going to Iraq to fight in some bullshit war about oil money.
Bullshit war? What about 9/11? Didn't Iran hide the terrorists? We're fighting a war in Iraq, Doug, and neither country had anything to do with blowing up the World Trade Center.
Well, they both have sand.
Bush invaded a sovereign nation in defiance of the U.
He's a war criminal, and now I have to be one of his disposable thugs with a fucking target on my head in the middle of the desert waiting to be blown up by a car bomb rigged by a 12-year-old who loved Friends and Metallica until one of our missiles blew up his house?! -I don't think so.
-They had weapons of mass destruction.
There were no weapons of mass destruction! No? Well, whatever.
Look, I got a lot of shit to do.
Name me one thing you have to do that's more important than the corporate takeover of our democracy.
I gotta take a shit.
-You gotta help me, man.
-I will.
I will.
I'm gonna put one of those yellow-ribbon stickers on my car for you.
How can you be so blindly pro-Bush? I like his wife, Laura.
Used to buy weed from her at SMU.
Good shit.
Good shit.
Silas? -What happened at the hospital? -Sent her home.
Can't even have a baby right.
I wanna show you something I've been working on.
Super strain.
Grow anytime, anywhere.
Not in West Adams, it won't.
You gonna be a dealer or you gonna be a fucking gardener, Pedro? Heylia, in order for us to grow, we have to grow.
We don't need no land.
It's hydro.
All we need is warehouse space.
-Let it go, Conrad.
-Let it go? I don't wanna be a middleman -for the rest of my life.
-Negro, please.
You still got to work your way up to the middle.
Our growers are starting to sell exclusively to the clubs which means that we got to get in on this now.
I did the research.
-If we don't-- -Enough! Now, this my business.
You work for me.
Mom! Shit! She in labor? Already been to the hospital.
Ain't but 2 centimeters dilated.
-This one gonna be a while.
-Fuck you! That's right, baby.
Let it all out.
Go to your happy place.
So, Conrad, nice plant.
You working on a new special blend for me? What's the matter? -Oh, he not here.
-Oh, really? -Is he coming back soon? -No.
He's not.
-Not while you here.
-What's that supposed to mean? That means that from now on, if you got business to handle you handle it with me.
You and Conrad ain't having no more association.
Not while I'm alive and kicking with my pointy shoes.
-I don't understand.
What did I do? -You brought out the stupid in him.
Now, I'm sure you didn't tell him to go down to that little school and beat the tar out of little Mr.
Security Guard but you blinked them big brown eyes, and there he go.
-And I can't have that.
-You did that? Who you think done it? The fuck-you-up fairy? I didn't-- I had no idea.
-I never would have-- -And you never will.
So you wanna keep on doing business over here you gonna do it with me and Vaneeta.
You can't tell me who to talk to.
Conrad? Say something.
-He's my friend.
-What's it gonna be? You gonna play? Or you gonna get the fuck up out my kitchen and never come back? That's not a fair choice.
Fare is what you pay to ride the bus.
See, that's the only "fair" I know.
Forget it.
-I'm out of here.
-You sure about that? -Maybe.
" You hear that shit, Vaneeta? -She said, "Maybe.
" -I think my water just broke.
On my good chair? What the fuck?! -Girl, you didn't think to put a towel down? -Mommy! All right, baby, I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Thank you.
So how do you know Nancy? Our sons do karate together.
Have you known each other long? No, we met a few weeks ago.
Hey, can I get a muffin? What are your intentions with Nancy? I intend to have coffee with her.
And a muffin.
She's a remarkable woman.
Strong, yet feminine.
Brave and bold with beautiful skin.
Lovely skin.
How's the banana nut? -Do you love her? -Peter, I'm so sorry I'm late.
-So you do know this guy.
-Yes, I do, Sanjay.
Thank you.
He says he wants a muffin.
-Then get him a muffin.
-Really? Are you sure -that's what you want me to do? -Yes.
Yes, I do.
-Would you leave us alone for a second? -Toasted, please.
-Fine, but I'll be close by if you need me.
He's very protective of you.
-Puppy love.
-Smart puppy.
Listen, Peter.
I hate sentences that start with "listen.
" They never finish with: "You've won $1 million," or, "I need to rip your clothes off in five minutes.
" I actually have to leave in the next five minutes.
I have some things I have to deal with.
It's Silas-- -See? -Maybe our timing's just bad.
Maybe you're just having a busy day.
So you can't have coffee with me right now.
It's okay.
I'm gonna be alone this weekend.
Tim's staying with his mother.
My life's not gonna get any less complicated any time soon.
-I'm trying here, Nancy.
I'm really trying.
-I know you are, and I really appreciate it.
I just.
-Maybe another time in my life.
-420 Ron MacEwan Lane.
-I'm not promising anything.
-I'm not asking you to.
-To go? -Great.
You cannot become a lesbian just because you don't wanna lose weight.
The only girl that you should be seeing is Jenny Craig.
-What? -I know, I know.
You see people like Rosie O'Donnell and you think: "Hey, she can find love.
" But that is not where lesbianism is going, Isabel.
Look at The L Word.
-I love Peggy.
And she loves me.
-She's a little Asian girl.
They look like boys.
Go for the real deal.
-Hey, I have boobs.
-Those are not boobs.
Call your grandparents and tell them to come and pick you up, please.
-I knew it wouldn't last.
-What? The new and improved you.
You're feeling better, aren't you? You're not gonna die.
I'm going to live for a long, long time.
Doctors say I'm doing really, really well.
You know, maybe you should double-check, just to be sure.
I mean, there's still some chance you'll die, right? Why would you say that? Because when you think you're gonna die, you're a much better person.
They're on their way.
-Cut off my toe.
-What? -Is this for real? -Yes! Just do it.
-Are you out of your mind? That's my toe! -You asked me.
Okay, I'm not thinking clearly.
It's obvious what I have to do.
I have to move to Vermont and get a boyfriend and marry him.
Look who's awake.
-How you feeling? -Like crap.
Well, remember it fondly, because it's all downhill from here.
-We were just screwing around.
-You took ecstasy.
That shit is like taking ice-cream scoops out of your brain.
How original.
I may have been fucked up, but I heard Officer Friendly too.
You think you're cute? I swear to God, Silas, if I have to lock you in your room until you get some sense, I will.
You don't fuck around with drugs.
This? From you? You're the biggest hypocrite on earth.
I don't take drugs.
When have you ever seen me take drugs? Oh, you may not take them but you sure do sell them.
I live here too, Mom.
Or have you not noticed because you've been so busy with your business? I'm not an idiot.
Listen I'm not a drug addict.
Yeah, I like to do a little weed and tried E for the first time.
Rolling was fun.
Totally, totally fun.
I'm not running out the door to score more.
Look, I don't blame you for what you do.
You're doing what you need to do.
I guess.
-Let's just stay out of each other's way.
-You're 16, and I'm your mother.
-No? -I'm not giving you carte blanche at 16 to do whatever the hell you want because I made -a questionable decision.
-What choice do you have? I have the choice to kick you out.
Oh, you wanna explain that to Shane? No, of course not.
He's been through enough.
We all have.
Now, let's just be peaceful, okay? Just do our thing.
I'm going to Megan's.
-What are you doing? -Practicing to be dead in case I go to Iraq.
-There's very little water in Iraq.
-Then I'll float in a pool of blood.
Or oil.
Whatever they got.
I'm ready to float.
-I'm sinking.
-What are you talking about? Silas just informed me that I have no parental rights because I'm a drug dealer.
How the fuck did he find out? How the fuck do you think he wouldn't, Weedy McWeed-Weed? I don't have to apologize for being a weed dealer.
It's a choice I made.
I happen to be very good at it.
Providing for my family.
I'm not sorry.
Well, you don't have to be sorry.
He's not mad at you for selling drugs.
He's mad at you for lying to him.
So he hit his brother and he took ecstasy? Ecstasy is a whole lot of fun.
I don't wanna choose between my business and my family.
You don't have to.
You gotta be honest with your family about your business.
Tell Shane? Unless you want a repeat performance.
So you're talking to me now.
What's that? A going-away present? -I don't want it.
-I think you do.
Let me tell you a little bit about my baby there.
Sixty days to harvest, 10 days to cure, hydro.
From seeds to outdoors, you looking at 85 to 105 plus cure days from germination to harvest.
We can even shorten that cycle with forced-flowering lighting cycles -tying down and splitting-- -I have no idea what you're talking about.
I'm saying, front me some money for space and equipment and we'll be selling our own shit in three months.
-What do I do in the meantime? -Better go make nice with Heylia.
Pretending nothing's going on.
No offense.
Get rid of this fucking bakery.
Take the cash, and let us start a business.
If you do this, Heylia will never speak to you again.
Well, fuck Heylia.
I heard everything she had to say.
What you wanna do? I wanna hear more.
Peggy? -Peggy? -Isabel.
This is Greyson.
Can you hold on just one second? -What are you doing? -I'm doing what we practiced.
And I think it's working.
He really likes me.
-You look really hot.
-I do? Yeah, you're really sweaty.
Shalom, Nancy.
Are you having a party without me? I don't even wanna know.
-Just go.
-But I am not going anywhere.
In the Mishnah and the U.
military code, it is written full-time students working toward becoming ordained ministers in a recognized religion are deferred from military service.
In other words, once you go rabbi, you never go bye-bye.
Mazel tov, Andy.
So, what's going on? You can confide in me now.
I'm switching around some things for business.
You gonna let me play? Under strict supervision.
Oh, shit.
Distribution meet finance sales legal.
We gonna open the wine or watch it age? -Corkscrew? -Oh, just a minute.
So who's gonna be our muscle? I would do it, but I've got bursitis.
Don't look at me.
I went to law school.
I'll be the muscle.
Back off, man.
I'm pitching tomorrow.
You go, girl.
-Hi, sweetie.
-What's going on? What? -Oh, nothing.
-I heard you and Silas fighting.
Oh, we were angry.
But we'll be okay.
-Are you sure? -Of course, honey.
Well, what's going on outside? I was lonely, so I invited some friends over.
Shane, look at me.
Everything's gonna be okay.
All right? I love you.
Me too.
Whose little boy are you? Are you Grandma's little boy? Are you Grandma's baby? Yes, you are.
-Okay, maybe you were ready.
-I fucking told you.
Where the hell is your cousin? His ass should be here.
Where's that boy? Where is that Conrad? We're gonna get him.
We gonna get him.
Did your life get less complicated? No.