Weeds s02e03 Episode Script

Last Tango in Agrestic

Previously on Weeds.
Conrad, this is Celia.
I fucked a black man.
Conrad.
- Where's Conrad? - Hey, I've been meaning to ask.
Is Conrad a popular name in the African-American community? You don't get it.
This is Princeton.
I can't get into Princeton.
I'm not deaf.
Did you just say what I think you said? Megan and I broke up, okay? Basically, my whole life's been leading up to this, to here, to the rabbinate.
Are you letting me in? Provisionally.
You should run for City Council.
Doug would lose his mind.
I have a dead plant and a check for $80,000.
You need to find a grow house.
Where the hell did you get that kind of money? Sanjay burned the bakery down.
What do you do exactly? I'm a DEA agent.
Don't ever call me or contact me again.
I know you're a drug dealer.
I'm so stupid.
Come on.
Let's just Let's talk.
There are only 400 DEA agents in the entire world.
Stupid.
And it's our job to go after every single drug dealer.
So stupid.
Crystal meth labs in Colorado, heroin exporters in Afghanistan, cocaine growers in Colombia.
So unbelievably fucking stupid.
So when I come across a suburban widow dealing dime bags to bored housewives, I like to flatter myself by thinking that I have more important things to do with my time, professionally speaking.
No offense, Nancy, but you're way below my radar.
Small potatoes.
Teeny, tiny fish in a deep, narcotic sea.
So I'm thinking, if you're well enough, we grab a bite to eat, get a nice bottle of wine, try to figure this whole thing out.
- You could be trying to set me up.
- I'm not.
- How do I know that? - You just have to trust me.
Trust you? You're a DEA agent.
Natural enemies.
We're like that story, the scorpion and the turtle.
- Scorpion and the frog.
- Turtle.
Turtles have hard shells.
How can a scorpion sting through a hard shell? - Sting him in the neck.
- Ribbit.
Stop being cute.
How long have you known? After we first met, when you blew me off, I sort of snooped into your life.
Sorry.
It wasn't hard to figure out.
It is my job, after all.
Are you wearing a wire? How do I check for a wire? Oh, God, I love your chest.
Oh, God, I'm completely freaking out.
I love this wine.
Don't you love this wine? - You're adorable when you're looped.
- I'm not looped.
The alcohol flushes me, gives a natural blush.
All girls look better with blush.
At least that's what my sister told me.
- Jill? - You're good.
Okay.
Let's say I quit.
Quit everything and got ajob at Nordstrom's.
- Would you let me go? - I don't want to let you go.
Can't you just pretend you don't know what I do? - Yeah, I could.
- No, you couldn't.
Scorpion.
What if this is just all an act you put on to nail dealers? Take them to dinner and profess my love? That's how I took down the Santiago brothers.
Still, no way I could trust you ever.
Never, ever.
Never say never.
I have had a little time to think this out.
- And? - I'm a man with a plan.
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
- Huh? - It's a palindrome.
It's the same backwards as forwards, like "Madam, I'm Adam.
" Are we going to Panama? We can make this work.
Rise and shine, little girl.
What? - School's not till 8:00.
- Yes, but boot camp is at 6:00.
- Boot camp? - Yeah.
You don't want to be the fattest girl at fat camp this summer, do you? Okay, you guys, we begin now! Feel it in the chest! Left arm pull, feel it in the back! - Right arm pull! - Yeah, I'm gonna be in the car.
Okay, okay! Here we go! Jump! Uno, dos, three, four Do you want to join us? - Me? - Yes, you.
No, it's not for me.
It's for my daughter.
I have a tape that I do at home.
No looky-loos, just doey-dos.
Yes, well, I've only paid for her, so go and do your stuff.
Muy bien.
I see'd your posters.
- What? - You know, the campana? - My campaign posters? - Yes! And to be winner, you must be thinner.
Okay, you know, I don't have time for this and at $40 an hour, neither do you.
- Talk to the muscles.
- Yeah.
Fuck my muscles.
You'll live to be 110 years old.
I'm 75, and I look 21.
I just had this outfit dry-cleaned.
- You okay, Mom? - Yeah, I'm fine.
He bullied me into this.
- Not Ricardo's fault.
- I went through chemo.
- Oh, I went through chemo.
- Oh, me too.
Yeah? Well, I had radiation.
- I had radiation.
- So did I.
- Plus I'm low blood sugar.
- Type 1 diabetes.
- Type 2 for me.
- Oh, fuck you both.
Sweetheart, don't worry.
Your mom's gonna be just fine.
Please.
That bitch will outlive us all.
- I heard that.
- Good.
All right.
Pip, pip! We're here to exercise.
We're not here to stand around.
Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
We're encountering some turbulence.
We'd like to have you return to your seats and fasten your seat belts.
Thank you.
Hey, shalom.
Hey.
I'm doing an article for the school paper.
You mind answering a few questions? - We don't have a school paper.
- No, it's more of a prototype, really.
Anyway, you married, dating, living in sin? Not since my lover was killed.
Dead lover, you say? He was my commanding officer in the Israeli army.
Fucking Hamas suicide bomber piece of shit blew him up in a pizza parlor.
That is so awful.
The whole Middle East thing.
I mean, why? Anyway, since hunting down Ze'ev's murderers, I've sort of been concentrating on my studies.
Well, grief takes us strange places.
You've lost someone close to you as well? My brother Judah dropped dead while jogging with his young son.
We were really close.
We were like brothers.
Judah.
It's a beautiful name.
Means "the praised one.
" - What's the story behind Yael? - It's from the Book of Judges.
Yael invites a leader of the enemy army into her tent, gives him milk to drink.
When he falls asleep, she hammers a tent stake through his skull.
I love Judges.
Guess my parents expected big things from me.
In that case, how about I take you out to dinner sometime? No milk, a little wine, maybe, to say thanks for everything you've done? - I have a policy never to date students.
- Just commanding officers, huh? - I was following orders.
- Come on.
I just No, I just want to say thanks for saving me from being a victim of a roadside bomb in downtown Baghdad.
Okay.
- Fine.
- All right.
Hi, everyone.
Sorry I'm late.
Rough day at the office, dear? I had some stuff to take care of.
- Stuff? - What kind of stuff? What do you do now that the bakery's gone? I'm looking for a small business to invest in.
I look.
Today, I looked.
I may look again tomorrow.
You make this big deal about family dinner, and then you show up late after disappearing all day.
Yeah? Well, I'm here now so give me a break.
Do we have any aspirin? Too many aspirin can give you bleeding ulcers.
Thanks for the tip, Shane.
What's for dinner? Lamb and couscous and ratatouille.
Why don't you pull up a seat? Goddamn plumbing.
This house is built like crap.
It's gonna cost me a fortune.
- So how is everyone today? - Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
B'seder.
That's "okay" in Hebrew.
How was your day, Nancy? Okay.
It was okay.
I fucking miss you.
I miss you, too.
Are you ready to stop being an asshole? If we only have a few months together, I want to make them count, really count.
I want us both to remember this time for the rest of our lives, starting now.
Fucking pipes.
Anyway, someone's been flushing socks down your pipes.
Socks? What kind of socks? Tube socks, the ones with the stripes.
You have a son, say, around 11 or 12 years old? He's probably been flushing his jerk socks down the toilet.
Jerk socks? He make the man salsa in the sock, then flush.
I never went through this with Silas.
Silas used T-shirts and then hide them in the bottom of the laundry.
You or your husband ought to talk to him.
Otherwise, I'll be back here in a couple of days to snake out your pipes all over again.
Thanks.
Me or my husband.
Ah, if only Shane would have started whacking when Mr.
Judah was alive.
So what was it you wanted to talk about? You know how the plumbing's been screwed up - the last few days? - Yeah.
Turns out someone's been flushing their socks down the toilet.
- Socks? - Socks.
- Oh.
- Any idea who might be doing that? Lupita? - Why would Lupita flush her socks? - 'Cause she's too lazy to wash them? Shane, have you been flushing your socks? No.
- It's okay if you have.
- I haven't.
Shane, have you noticed any changes in your body recently? - What kind of changes? - You know, changes.
- I'm getting taller.
- No.
Down there, changes.
- Down there? - With your penis, Shane.
Have you noticed any changes with your penis? What's wrong with my penis? Nothing.
That's just it.
It's perfectly natural.
What's perfectly natural? Stuff that comes out when you rub it.
- I have to go to school.
- Go.
- Talk to Shane about jerking off.
- I'm all over it.
What am I looking at? Gated community, ain't no cops driving by.
Nondescript exterior, decent square footage, access to power lines.
Can we trust the landlord? We trust him to stay far away.
Mr.
Avakian's been a client of mine for years.
Retired to Arizona.
As long as we pay rent on time and swear we're not Turkish, we are golden.
- Not Turkish? - Armenians hate Turks.
Some Armenian genocide thing or something.
Just never order Turkish coffee in an Armenian restaurant.
They will fucking take your head off.
That's a great tip, considering all the fine Armenian dining I do.
Don't knock it.
A nice basturma sandwich, some fattoush salad It's nothing to sneer at.
Man, you've been eating some weird shit.
That's right.
I heard you guys aren't adventurous eaters.
Now, that's just not true.
See, real men eat the sushi.
Okay, I don't need to be a part of this conversation.
I just ain't eating nothing called "fat tush.
" I'm sure you've had fat tush before.
No.
See? Another stereotype - Wait, wait.
I know there's ajoke here.
- Enough! Call Mr.
Avakian and tell him we'll take the house.
It's really happening.
- It sure is.
- I feel good.
I'm not scared.
It don't make sense not to be just a little scared.
Well, I'm not, not even a little.
Baby, do you know about the evil eye? You need to stop talking like that.
- Good, good.
Good, good, good.
- Hang on.
Avakian wants to know if he has to paint.
Negative on the paint.
- It's ours.
- All right, listen up, people.
Now that we stepping up, we got to watch our shit.
Grow houses get busted for, like, girlfriends who want revenge, ex-wives who don't get their alimony check.
It's fucked-up personal shit that will get you popped every time.
So we tell no one about this place.
We clear? Sorry I'm late.
What'd I miss? Conrad just said something.
Conrad.
Here.
- What's this? - Filing papers for my campaign.
Notarize them.
Send them in.
Charge this to the office FedEx account.
Save everyone a few bucks.
Yeah.
Sure.
- You're the Conrad who fucked my wife.
- Oh, terrific.
Look, man, I don't know what to say.
I'd All right, you know what? No, no.
Fair is fair.
Fair is fair.
You get one free shot.
Wait.
- I need time to plan.
- What the fuck? Yo, ain't no planning.
You hit me now or the offer's off the table.
I've never hit a man before.
And I'm not good under pressure.
You have to let me take a rain check.
You're taking pussy to a whole new level, right now.
Please? You did bang my wife.
Fine.
Just no sucker punches to the stomach.
That's how Houdini died, and I ain't going out like that.
Jesus.
I'm surrounded by the fucking Lost Boys.
All right.
Listen closely.
I'm not gonna beat around the bush.
Your little body is changing.
It's all good, believe me.
Problem now is, every time we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot of unwanted, sticky, white stuff everywhere, right? Right.
So, first order of business, no more socks.
They're expensive, gumming up the works plumbing-wise.
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all of that pearl jam, "if I can't spew it into Mr.
Sock?" Glad you asked.
You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower, each morning.
That eliminates the need for a goo glove.
But the day is long.
Masturbation is fun.
So unless we want to take four or five showers every day, we're gonna need some other options here.
So let's start with the basics.
Tissues, perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian.
They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention they can stick to your dick head like a fucking Band-Aid.
From there, we move on to more lubricated flak catchers, specifically bananas.
Step one, peel the banana.
Step two, slip the peel over your Randy Johnson, start pitching.
Now, for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave.
Not too hot, serious yowza.
Also olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube.
In my opinion, the best lube is lube.
So save your allowance.
Invest in some soon.
All right, moving on.
When you tug your Thomas on the toilet, shoot right into the bowl.
In bed, a soft T-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing.
There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much.
It reduces stress.
It enhances immune function.
Also, practice makes perfect.
So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist.
You'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future.
All right, class dismissed.
Hey.
Homework.
- Still using that antibacterial soap? - It's good for the baby.
- Fucks up the baby's immunities.
- It don't fuck up the baby immunities.
Girl, that child needs to get germs and bacteria, so he can fight them off and develop antibodies.
Keep killing everything around him, and his immune system's gonna be for shit.
Wind up living in a fucking bubble.
Actually, she's right.
Overuse of antibacterials can lead to Is that your baby? Stay out of this.
Yeah, stay out of it.
I got this.
Trying to turn my grandbaby into a bubble boy, and I ain't having it.
Oh! Lord, it's him.
It's him! Quick, get rid of that weed.
- What's going on? - The prince of pies.
- Glory.
- What? It's him.
He's here.
I said, get rid of it.
Time to melt, snowflake.
What? All right.
Oh, shit, the money.
Good afternoon.
Hi, I'm Nancy.
Okay.
I brought your bean pies, Heylia.
Oh, Joseph.
Aren't you lovely? - I've never had a bean pie.
- Lucky you.
So how much do I owe you? That'll be $24.
- Do you have any more? I'll buy one.
- I'm out.
Best be going now.
You know, I was just about to take my exercise, so why don't I walk next door with you? That would be lovely.
- Nice meeting you, Joseph.
- Okay.
What was that about? That was about the mountain coming to Muhammad.
He barely acknowledged my presence.
You the white devil, girl.
He's Nation of Islam.
You all two ain't never having coffee.
Now, do me a favor.
Please take some of these fucking love pies with you.
What's in a bean pie, anyway? Ground-up white babies and nutmeg.
My favorite.
Silas! What happened to you? Pulled a muscle in my cooze in boot camp.
All right? Happy you asked? So what brings you by, Celia? I know that you're depressed.
I'm here for you.
- Me? - I am here to pull you out of it.
- I'm not depressed.
- Bullshit.
Your business burned down.
Kids, busy with lives of their own.
Brother-in-law feeds off of you like a parasite.
You haven't been laid in God knows how long.
And you haven't been to PTA in over a month.
- What are you doing? - I'm fine, Celia.
Then what do you do all day? - Things.
- What things? Okay, you didn't hobble over here with your achy vagina just to chase my blues away.
What do you want? Please work on my campaign.
Please! Doug is a turd.
Pam is an idiot.
You'd just keep me company.
I don't even care who you vote for.
I have a broken crotch.
You need to get out of the house.
It's a win-win.
- Please.
- I Just say yes.
You know if you don't, I'll never stop harassing you.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Hi, Mrs.
Hodes.
- Hello, Shane.
How do you get your kids to eat fruit? Shane's been on this whole banana kick lately.
Maybe he needs potassium.
I don't know.
Well, I'm gonna go home and ice my beaver.
See you next Tuesday.
- Hello? - Hey, there.
Just thinking about where we were less than 24 hours ago.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
We're encountering some turbulence.
We'd like to have you return to your seats and fasten your seat belts.
Thank you.
We'll get you something to wear when we land.
- And no one but us has to know about this.
- Our secret.
- Strictly business.
- Strictly business.
And this means they can't make you testify against me? They cannot make me testify against you.
And I get to hang on to the certificate.
The certificate is all yours to do with it what you will.
Anything else? I need to be home in time for family dinner.
Howdy, people.
You all are gathered here today to join these two hound dogs in holy matrimony! Do you trust me now? When you did this with the Santiago brothers, did they wear white?