Weeds s02e08 Episode Script

MILF Money

This shit is about to get wild.
Fantastic! Come here.
Let us go make some money! You get a new wig? Nope.
It's mine.
Sort of.
I am wearing 500 bucks worth of human hair extensions from India.
Take a sniff.
There is a faint curry smell to it.
I'm giving an anti-drug speech at the grammar school and I need you to be Sober.
What? Sober the Sasquatch.
He tells kids to stay off drugs.
And you think kids are going to listen because some idiot is dressed in a gorilla suit? No, it is a sasquatch.
Children love and fear him.
That's asinine.
Oh, come on, Dean.
You're perfect for it.
And if I stop shaving your back, you won't even have to wear the suit.
And now I walk away.
Hey, but good luck with that speech because kids just love being patronized and lectured.
I hear you want to close the park.
Where am I supposed to take my babies? - What? - Where are my babies supposed to play? Oh, you mean your dogs.
They are my children.
They need their park.
No, real children need their park.
Dogs need to take a walk, do their business, and then go home.
But the dog park is gated off.
The dogs don't bother anyone.
That whole place stinks to high heaven.
It's an eyesore from all the grass that has been dug up.
There's barking and snarling going on all day long.
And at night, when the dogs finally leave, it's filled with teenagers doing drugs.
It is a blight on this community and it's going.
Do you know what you are? You are a hater.
You're filled with hate and you spread it around to dogs and teenagers And you, because you call your pets children.
So goodbye.
God damn it! Keep the beer away from Sanjay.
Payday! - I'm here.
I'm right here.
- Okay.
- Wow.
- We threw in a little bonus.
For the arson.
Not to be taken as encouragement.
- Fine.
- Never again, okay? Okay.
- Dean.
- Nice.
No IRS and no Celia.
People seem to like what we're selling.
- Doug.
- Sweet.
First time somebody's paid me for weed.
- Buy a motorcycle.
We can ride together.
- You're dead to me.
- I'm out of here.
Make sure the schedule - Excuse me.
What? You forgot something.
No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
My envelope.
- Oh, you don't get one.
I don't Wait a second.
I don't get paid? Once you reimburse me for room and board and for a nonrefundable year of rabbinical school and for the time I bailed you out when you got busted, not to mention lawyers' fees, then you will be compensated, yeah.
Are you joking? I lost toes for you.
I was in a raid.
I sat in my own pee to save the mother.
Back me up here, guys.
I'm a contributing member of this team.
I cook! Is that how it is? All right, that's fine.
Well, I quit.
Cook like a fucking crackhead.
He cooks.
He cooks.
Settle, boys and girls.
Let us all put on our listening ears and settle down.
That's better.
Now, I'd like to welcome today's special guest speaker, Councilwoman Hodes.
Well, hello, junior citizens of Agrestic.
I am Councilwoman Hodes, and I am here today at our top-ranked grammar school to make a very special announcement.
Beginning next week, all of Agrestic will become a drug-free zone.
You know how penguins march 70 miles to get where they're going? Well, drugs are like penguins.
They march from the ghetto to the suburbs.
Now, to end this migration, I will be installing surveillance cameras and drug-free zone signs throughout Agrestic.
I invite you to bring your parents to the unveiling of our first surveillance camera tomorrow at the corner of Hillside and Harper drives right across from what will soon no longer be the dog park.
4:00 p.
And now I would like to introduce a very special guest, who has an important message for you all.
Sober the Sasquatch! Drugs are wrong! I'm putting my big foot down on drugs! My big foot! This is not a game, people.
Yes, Shane? Point of order.
Why cameras? Good question.
Because people behave better when they know they're being watched.
What about our rights to privacy? Well, there are more important things than rights to privacy.
And now I think you are turning Agrestic into a police state.
Yeah! Drugs are wrong! I've seen you drunk at my house.
I beg your pardon? Not like the drunken, homeless penguins in the ghetto, but I have definitely seen you drunk.
Well, that's quite enough, Shane.
You can sit down.
Isn't being drunk like being on drugs? Isn't alcohol a drug? You do drugs.
You do.
You do drugs.
Drugs are wrong! You do drugs! You do drugs! The Councilwoman also likes her speed and Ambien.
Christ, let's go.
All right, that's quite enough.
Settle down.
Wow, my sweat smells like peanuts.
You kicked ass.
You took Hodes out.
Props to you, yo.
That was awesome, Shane.
- Are you guys - Shut up.
No way.
- Can I see that one, please? - Yeah, that's the diamond blossom.
Yeah, the right-hand diamond is very popular these days.
All the stars are wearing them.
It's a symbol of independence and personal reward.
Well, I deserve a reward.
- I've done very well lately.
- How well? Okay, take off that piece of shit.
I've got jewelry to show you.
No! No.
- Shane, what's wrong? - You totaled my car.
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
I didn't see it.
I am not used to driving this low to the ground.
- Did you total your car, too? - What? No.
The lease was up.
I just bought this.
- Isn't it cute? - No.
It's crappy and small.
Environmentally responsible.
I liked the Range Rover.
The Range Rover was obnoxious.
There's global warming.
Unless you want the planet to dissolve into one big ocean Global warming is just God's will.
I liked the Range Rover.
This car is gay.
Do not be ignorant just because it's in right now.
Think about the planet for a change.
What is all this stuff? Mommy decided to buy herself a few things.
A lot of things.
Yes, a lot of things.
I work hard.
I deserve them.
What work? I run a family.
- Did you buy me anything? - No.
Do you really think you deserve anything after what you did today? - What did I do? - You called Celia Hodes a drunk.
I got another call from my dear old friend Principal Dodge.
I think I'm on his speed dial.
I was making a point.
She's trying to make Agrestic a drug-free zone, but I think drugs should be legal.
Why? Because.
So no one gets in trouble.
Nobody's gonna get in trouble, okay? - Go buy yourself a new car.
- Awesome.
Help me get these bags in the house and then we can go to the movies.
Really? What movie? How about the Al Gore one about the total destruction of the planet and the coming environmental apocalypse? Cool.
Where's my microwave popcorn? Now, I know I had one left in here.
Heylia, where are our customers? Vernon, Kiki, Nancy, that guy with the harelip? We ain't been moving shit.
And I hear there's a new strain out there that everybody wants and we ain't got.
Girl, it's the economy.
And the medical marijuana clubs.
You know, I heard they opening up one of them drive-throughs in the Valley.
No, Heylia.
Look around.
What's missing here? Make sure you get all the ash off of my heel, too, now.
- Yo, this here is Teenya.
- Hi.
She's studying that cosmonology.
It's cosmetology.
Girl, I'll throw this beer on you.
Say something else.
So, Louis, tell me about that new strain everybody been talking up.
I ain't Louis no more, and I ain't telling you shit unless you call me U-Turn.
Now, Louis is a perfectly good name, but if you want to be some traffic violation, fine by me.
U- turn, why the fuck ain't I got this new weed? Now, how is it that Miss Heylia James do not know? You getting soft in your old age or something? You better mind yourself, Mr.
I seen your gangster ass playing violin in your grandmama's house with a powder-blue suit and wide-ass lapels.
So stop fronting.
Now, Heylia, I don't forget where I come from, but some people do.
Go on.
The strain is called MILF.
MILF weed.
It is the brand of the day.
Everybody love that shit, too.
And it is coming from Oh, man, why I got to be the one to tell you the way it is? 'Cause I started you and I'll finish you and I need to hear it, so speak the fuck up.
It's your boy, Conrad.
Yeah, him and a white bitch.
They got themselves a real game.
They farmers now.
I gotta say, they are fucking great at it.
You just put your hands out and send love vibrations to the plant.
That way, the person who smokes it will feel the love, too.
I think the person that grew my last pot sent "eat mini-donuts while playing with your balls" vibrations to the plant.
- You ain't taking me serious.
- What gave it away? That Sanjay? I think it's a Jehovah's Witness.
We're Shinto.
Excuse me.
Hello? Hey, hey, hey.
It's cool.
It's cool.
Heylia, I came to you first.
You shut me down.
There ain't no excuses for what you done here.
I laid out my plans.
You laughed at me.
We don't grow.
We deal.
That's what we do.
That's what you do.
I'm a grown man, Heylia, and you got to see me like that.
AII I see is that you went off with one of my customers and created a new game behind my back.
You lied to me.
You took business from me.
That ain't how a grown man acts.
Heylia, I can help you now, all right? You could retire early.
We could put money aside for Levan's education.
No, no, no, no.
You're a little piggy.
And what you built here, it ain't right.
And some day, the big bad wolf's gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.
And when it happens, I don't want to be anywhere near you.
You ain't got no faith in your boy.
Didn't you just say you was a man? Now, see, you cannot have it both ways.
You ain't welcome in my house no more.
Not you, not Barbie.
I don't know you.
Now, give me three pounds of that fucking MILF weed.
I got business to take care of.
Why has it got to be like this, Heylia? You wanted to be on your own.
You on your own.
Who's this Barbie girl? Is she hot? If you will notice above me, our very first camera.
And below it, our drug-free zone sign.
We're letting these pushers know that we are keeping an eye on them.
Agrestic is now officially a drug-free zone.
Douchebag! What the fuck? - Bitch! - Go home! You hate dogs! - Crazy dog freaks! - Horrible bitch! I am protecting the humans of Agrestic.
Now, our cameras will be running 24I7.
Give us back our dog park.
Give us back our dog park! Well, I can see all the crazies are out today.
Is it true you have a drinking problem, Councilwoman Hodes? Nancy has no idea who I am.
Sucks to never be seen, never appreciated.
Sucks when the pie gets eaten right in front of you and you helped bake that pie.
- What pie? - It's a metaphorical pie.
- Am I eating the pie? - Sort of.
You're benefiting from that pie.
But, really, no.
No pie for you either, my young friend.
Where's our fucking pie? Life sucks.
Come on, now.
Life does not suck.
Unless you have no job, no girlfriend, eight toes, life sucks.
Anyway, your mom knows nothing about what it takes to be a crime lord.
I understand business.
I am an entrepreneur.
I would be great at it.
I mean, I may not be some brainiac, but I know weed.
- It's the family business, for Christ's sake.
- I say forget her.
We start our own business.
Except we have no money.
Was she impressed? Could you tell? What did she think of our place? She never wants to see us again, Nancy.
She was stone cold.
But, like, acting cold because she was secretly dazzled by how well we have done? What, you need Heylia's approval? - She bought three pounds.
- Of the MILF? You don't have to be so proud of the name, okay? Okay.
- Why did she buy from us? - So that she can sell it to others.
That's what she does for a living.
All her customers are asking for our shit.
You can't sell what you don't have.
- That's kind of awesome.
- No, it ain't.
Yes, it is.
She bought our stuff and she'll buy more 'cause it's good.
She's not going to stay mad.
- She can't.
- Woman, you do not know Heylia.
Hi, Shane.
I came to pick up your mom.
She's doing laundry with some black guy.
Would you tell her that I'm here, please? What's Conrad doing at your house? Not a great idea, by the way.
Just some old business with Heylia he wanted to talk about.
Heylia James? You're not going to have to worry about her.
- What? - She's being taken care of.
We don't need that.
There's really no problem with Heylia, really.
Well, now it's guaranteed.
I thought you said you didn't care about pot.
That we were under your radar.
No, babe.
You are under my radar.
And since I'm keeping you there, I gotta show my boss some results.
Why don't you show him some other results like a crack den or a meth lab or something? Heylia is going to lead me to this guy named U-Turn, who's dealing a lot more than weed.
Well, why not arrest him and keep Heylia out of it? Sweetie, you got to dig the worms to catch the big fish.
Heylia's been dug up, and I do not want to talk about this anymore.
It's my fun time.
I'm thinking tapas.
You up for it?