Weeds s02e10 Episode Script

Mile Deep and a Foot Wide

- How long have you and - Twenty.
I'm not good with numbers.
- You're an accountant.
- Different.
Those are guy numbers.
Years married, that's girl math.
I'm seized with guilt.
Are you seized with guilt? Seized.
Good girl.
Good girl! Good girl! We shouldn't be doing this.
You're right.
We have families.
- Children.
- Beautiful children.
This would destroy them.
Legendary! She thinks I can make Peter disappear.
Peter wants her in jail, me out of the business.
Silas wants to skip college and be like me.
I think Shane knows what I do.
I can't even look him in the face.
- I've never been to China - Sit down! - She threatened to kill me! - Stop sucking on this fucking straw.
Give me your hand.
- Look at me.
- What are you doing? Korean girl taught me this.
Keep breathing and look at me.
I don't know what to do.
- I'm out of moves.
- Baby, you never had any.
Moves mean you think things through.
You have been reacting.
- That feels good.
- You ready to get in the back seat? You ready for Conrad's plan now? You out.
I'm out.
You done dug yourself a pit a mile deep and a foot wide, and you're looking back up at a pinhole.
You out.
You go to him.
You tell him you love him.
Tell him you're out after this harvest.
You get your money back.
Heylia James gets wiped off his board.
I take the equipment and disappear.
- I'm sorry.
- No, I don't really want to hear that.
No, no, listen.
You've been a good friend.
This ain't no Driving Miss Daisy.
I ain't about to feed you no Thanksgiving pie.
Things work out with Peter, you get your money.
You done.
You love him? - Who? - Agent Wonder Bread.
I'm not sure.
You think you could? - You're out? - The hours suck.
There's no health insurance.
It's a bad job for a danger junkie.
And that's you.
I admit I have a problem.
I'm going cold turkey.
- I'm skeptical.
- Let me convince you.
Come to dinner tomorrow night.
Eat with my family.
Your sons? I don't know how thrilled they'll be.
- They're good kids.
- I know that.
And you're amazing.
Eat with us.
Heylia walks, Conrad leaves? I want to make a go of it.
- Dinner? - My place.
Bring a toothbrush.
I'm staying the night? Peter is my boyfriend.
- He makes me happy.
- Just your boyfriend? And he's in some sort of law enforcement, I hear.
So we can all feel safe.
I've invited him over for dinner tomorrow night.
It needs to go well.
- Can I invite Gretchen? - Absolutely.
- What is this we're having? - It's paella.
It's pretty.
I want you to make this again tomorrow night.
We don't have to eat the same thing.
I can make No.
I want you to make this.
You got it.
Kat! - You lost your cat? - I'm Kat.
You're Nancy, right? I am.
- There's a smell.
- Grape jelly? No, it's fish.
Oh, that's me.
That's me.
It's sockeye salmon.
Do you want some? I got a whole bagful.
No, I'm good.
- Who are you? What do you want? - Is Andy here? Mom, Uncle Andy's choking! Come on in.
I've been eating nothing but sockeye salmon for the past 47 hours.
The MapQuest printout said it took 43, which is bullshit.
I mean, horse apples.
You must be Shane.
Hi, heart hug.
Are you the crazy chick from Alaska who tried to kill my uncle? That is a great story.
Hi, Silas.
You drove here all the way from Alaska? Yeah, I borrowed some salmon from the fishery.
That means she stole it.
The man at the 7-Eleven gave me a case of Red Bull.
And that means she stole it.
That's all I've been eating and drinking for the past 47 hours.
I feel great.
I drove and I drove and I drove till I hit the Interstate 5, and that's a straight line for 1,211 miles, but I knew a shortcut.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How'd you find me? I read about your toe accident online, Google.
I missed you so much.
I'm tired.
Fresno's beautiful.
I wrote a book.
- And she is? - Gone by tomorrow.
Thank you.
How was your day? How was my day? It was swell.
How was your day? Isabelle had a callback for a voice-over audition.
I didn't like the material.
I stopped by Doug's office, but he wasn't there.
- Still trying to patch things up.
- Good luck with that.
Dean, we have to talk.
- Just a second.
- No, I mean we have to talk.
- And what is this? - Happy anniversary.
You thought I forgot, didn't you? I thought you forgot.
It's lovely.
Thank you.
Anything for me? "Permafuck, ajournal of spirit rape.
" Yeah, it's about us and our time in Alaska.
You're not gonna like everything you read but I wrote the truth.
Abumchuk was very upset with you.
- Who's Abumchuk? - He's my boyfriend.
He read my memoir and he wants to kill you, Andy.
But don't worry, I ditched him in Bakersfield.
I don't think he followed me.
- Big Eskimo guy? - The correct term is Inuit.
Is that him? No.
He's much bigger than that.
Your orange juice.
- Can I have some Tabasco sauce, please? - Sure.
All right.
Let's stay focused here.
So you wrote a book about us.
Yeah, and I just need you to sign a letter that says that everything in the memoir happened in real life.
Okay, so I just have to sign something, then you'll go away? You can read it in the van.
- In the van? - After I fuck you.
No, no, no, no.
Abumchuk is an old soul and he beats people up for me but he's a premature ejaculator.
I can't have sex with you.
- You're the last man that made me come.
- No, no, no.
I can't.
April 28, 2005, Ketchikan, Alaska, women's bathroom - Deer Mountain Hatchery.
- Deer Mountain Hatchery.
We'll take the check.
Yeah, I don't know when I stopped really loving Dean.
The only reason we're still together is 'cause of the kids.
You know, once Isabelle graduates Turn on the TV.
Take your mind off your troubles.
All right.
God, that feels good.
See what's on the Food Network.
I have tapes in my bag.
- Porno? - Better.
We'll have Gretchen home by 9:00.
She's a great kid.
So enters the eldest son.
- Where you been? - It's 5:30.
I thought dinner was at 5:30.
Dinner was supposed to be at 5:30 but your uncle didn't show up to make it.
We're making it ourselves.
- Hey, Silas.
- Hi.
- What's with the outfit? - Just an outfit.
You want to help out? I'm not exactly a gourmet here.
Call me when it's ready.
So this guy is your mom's boyfriend or something? I guess so.
My mom's got a boyfriend.
- Your parents are divorced? - Separated.
My dad's got an apartment.
I see him on weekends.
What's that like? I don't know.
We go to the movies, miniature golf.
- He mostly says he's sorry, stuff like that.
- Sounds awesome.
Punishment? The alphabet backwards.
Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q, P It's not as good as last night.
Yeah, the thing about paella is you have to watch it pretty close or it turns into a Sticky lump of crap? The thing with paella is you have to be here in order to cook it, and some people weren't here.
So, Peter, I think your paella is great.
- Tried my best.
- In fact, I'm gonna have me some more.
Anybody else? Gretchen? Oh, no.
Thank you.
Silas, get your elbows off the table.
I don't want to make this awkward but I wanted to apologize for coming by last week.
Your mother told me that you were having a party in honor of your father.
Yeah, that pretty much sucked.
Silas, don't be a brat, and get your elbows off the table.
I wanted you two to know that I respect the memory of your father.
We've heard the speech.
"I'm not here to replace him.
I just want to sleep with your mom.
" Your mother asked you several times, Silas.
You're gonna let him do that? Show some respect.
Gretchen, this isn't how we usually act.
I apologize.
She's right, we usually have dinner at the dining room table.
We usually don't eat the same thing two nights in a row.
We don't use cloth napkins.
We put our elbows wherever the fuck we want.
Pull up, buddy.
We don't dress up like we're going to some movie premiere.
What are you, on your eighth glass of wine? You could use some boundaries, son.
Okay, dinner's over.
Silas, go up to your room.
Andy, would you drive Gretchen home? I would like to.
I'm a little - He's too stoned to drive.
I'll take her.
- Silas, you're not going anywhere.
- I'll drive her home.
- I don't know you.
- He's a policeman.
- I don't know him.
- You don't know Silas, either.
- He's Shane's brother.
- All right, I'll drive her.
- You've had too much to drink.
Sorry, Mom.
No, you're right, honey.
No need to apologize.
Gretchen, Silas will drive you home.
Silas, there and back.
This is your last ride.
- Peter? - Yeah? I'm sorry about what I said about the food.
I'm gonna go feed the cat.
Dinner with the family.
I can't believe they let you have this stuff.
This is awesome.
You think the Agrestic Police Force has the budget for someone to monitor these things? No.
No one sees these except me.
That was something there, like a skeleton or something.
Oh, that's Kate Velansky.
- Martin's wife? Jesus.
- Yeah.
I know.
Can't be any more than 75 pounds now.
Monday through Sunday, vanishing away.
Hey, wait.
I think something good is coming up.
Better than the guy shitting in the manhole? Better.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
- Is that Lippman naked? - Around 10:00 every evening.
I haven't had any complaints yet.
That's 'cause everyone's inside molesting their kids.
Well, three hours of Agrestic Gone Wild will do that to you.
Has it been three hours already? Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
This is better than porn.
Yeah, well, better enjoy it while you can.
Some fucking lowlife stole two of them already.
- The cameras? - And the "Drug Free Zone" signs and the Sasquatch costume.
- You're pissing off a lot of people, Celia.
- That must mean it's working.
- Hey, thanks for the dick.
- Sure thing.
Promise you'll change my name.
I promise.
Here you go.
Unite victims everywhere.
Make millions.
- You're not gonna read it? - No, no.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Sleep in the van.
You got to be out by morning, okay? Give my best to Abumchuk.
I drove half a continent to see you, Andy.
Well, you got your signature, so Godspeed.
- Have you ever been fishing in Baja? - In Baja? No.
You don't understand.
I have a thing here.
I'm helping my sister-in-law.
I'm taking care of these kids.
- I'm getting my shit together.
- That would be lovely If you truly believed it.
What are you doing? Do you realize how many felonies we've committed? I'm publishing the book as fiction.
- Then why are you here? - I'm going to save you, Andy.
You look good.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
No, not on this side.
- I thought you sleep on the left side.
- I do, just not in this bed.
- I see.
- Thanks.
- Candles are nice.
- Calming.
You're incredibly sexy.
- We have to be quiet.
- Of course.
Why Why did you do that thing to his elbow? This didn't work out so good.
No, it's just the first time having somebody over and all.
Maybe we rushed things a little.
Well, maybe just the sleepover part.
But I'll call you.
Thanks for trying.
- It's me.
- Everything all right? Everything is not all right.
Conrad's plan did not work out.
Then we got some problems.
- Sure do.
- Talk to me.
He just walked out my front door five minutes ago and I don't want him ever coming back.
Did he do something to you? Oh, no.
It's nothing like that.
It's just I forgot myself.
Agent Wonder Bread is not my husband.
- He isn't? - Not in this lifetime.
I do not love him and I'm never gonna love him.
- He don't know that, right? - No, I left it okay, I think.
You're gonna have to play it like that for a little while longer.
You cool with that? Yeah, I think I can do that.
Meet me here at the house tomorrow, all right? Okay.