Weeds s03e04 Episode Script

Shit Highway

Previously on Weeds I got busted.
Head of campus security at Valley State.
You just got jacked.
Here.
This is yours.
If you need protection on campus, just ask for me.
You still owe me 150 G's, lady! How am I supposed to put food on my table if you keep upping my debt? Get a fucking job.
Chop that shit up.
Move it.
Can you grow here? Hell, yeah.
It's perfect.
Shame it's all gonna be for U-Turn.
Silas Botwin, you're sentenced to six months' community service.
Injuries such as yours may have rendered you unfit for duty in the past but times have changed.
- What? - Welcome to the army.
Your battle buddy is like a Siamese twin.
You're gonna shit when I shit.
- Why are you doing this? - I laid everything on the line for you, and you fucked me.
Kesheshian says "goodbye".
- Peter? He's dead? - Yes! I'll tell you how you can help me now.
Make the bags lighter.
Agent Fundis, DEA.
I'm here to talk about Peter Scottson.
# Little boxes on the hillside # Little boxes made of ticky-tacky # Little boxes on the hillside # Little boxes all the same # There's a green one and a pink one # And a blue one and a yellow one # And they're all made out of ticky-tacky # And they all look just the same # And the boys go into business # And marry and raise a family # In boxes made of ticky-tacky # And they all look just the same # Erm, we broke up, me and Peter Scottson.
He hasn't come in to work for a few days, and we haven't heard from him.
It's unusual.
Oh, well, I don't know.
- We broke up.
- Look, Mrs.
Botwin, I'm his partner.
- The one who burps? - It's reflux.
When did you last speak with him? Er A few days ago.
He brought oranges.
- Do you want them? - Why would I want them? I have no idea.
Erm - Listen, we broke up.
- I think we established that.
When he brought the citrus over, did he say anything? Where he was going? What he might be up to? Work stuff? No.
He didn't talk about work much.
I didn't even know what he did till I tried on his jacket once by mistake.
I was cold and I had to pee.
Erm, about the break-up, we were just, you know, at different places.
I think we just wanted different things.
I think he was working on some undercover investigation on his own, which is stupid, but even when he goes indie, he calls to let me know everything's fine.
He knows I worry.
I hope nothing's wrong.
Well, if you hear from Peter, I'd like you to give me a call.
He really liked you.
Thanks for your time, Mrs.
Botwin.
Where is Peter? We broke up.
Is that gonna be a problem? - No.
- What makes you so sure? Mommy just knows.
Behold, the incorporated city of Majestic.
A city experiencing a rate of growth few people could have anticipated.
Now, we've been a noisy neighbour, and for that I want to apologise.
That sound you heard coming from the east, the west, the north.
Houses popping up like so many California wildflowers.
Well, that is the sound of an economic miracle.
A month ago, our own City Council had a session trying to come up with a new town logo, something we could put on our signs, our brochures.
Italy is shaped like a boot.
Sicily, the ball that's about to be kicked.
Majestic is shaped like a, well, some people say a horseshoe, others, a smile.
But for some of us who are aware of a particular infrastructure problem facing Majestic, well, we saw a different image.
In the midst of all our back-slapping, we forgot a fundamental principle of smart growth.
If you're gonna poop, make sure you can flush.
What we need is a bowl.
Agrestic is that bowl.
Now, in exchange for the right to redirect a small portion of our sewage through your town, we'll retrofit your existing sewage system with the most advanced technology available at no cost to you.
We'll also grant you unrestricted access to all our recreational facilities, including our non-denominational modern house of worship, the Absolute Truth Ministry of Majestic.
Now, I know these are tough times for Agrestic.
Your tax base is shrinking while the cost of maintaining basic services is rising.
It doesn't have to be that way.
We're neighbours.
And this is a hand extended over the fence.
- Thank you, Mr.
Groff.
- Sullivan.
Please.
Sullivan.
Dumb name.
- Education? - Two and a half semesters at Berkeley.
Graduated Berkeley with honours.
No lying.
They can check these things.
This is Agrestic.
No one's gonna check.
You're gonna look lame and stay unemployed if you don't lie cos everybody else does.
Shane, remember that guy who came to the door last night? - Peter's friend? - Yeah.
You haven't seen him lurking around or anything, have you? - Seen his Impala parked around? - Lurking? - Lurking.
- No, I haven't.
Why would he be lurking? - Does he know you're a drug dealer? - No.
I don't think so.
I just I hear he's a lurker.
- Mom, can you type? - With two fingers.
Proficient typing skills.
Now, what kind of job do you want? Anything, so long as there's no folding, lifting or scooping involved.
Then, I'll give you a graduate degree in English, and we'll take it from there.
Let's not overdo it.
I'm just proud of you.
What for? Getting a real job.
Well, thank you, Shane.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Come on! Get your asses over here right now! Go.
Move it out.
Go buy wings, Rodriguez.
Get your cock-violated asshole up that rope, Botwin.
So help me, if you don't, I will rip out your goddamn large intestine and string you up by your tiny little pecker with it.
- How fucking cool is this? - We're gonna die.
- Let's go.
Move it.
- Actually, you're gonna die.
I'm gonna hide under your corpse till everybody's gone.
I ain't gonna be nobody's dead-body blanket.
We're gonna get them first.
We don't speak the language.
We know nothing about their culture.
We'll have the newest fuck-you-up-good technology.
Insurgents are dead meat.
We're the fucking insurgents.
Dude.
We're the goddamn USA.
We're the best.
We're the coolest, richest, most righteous nation on Earth.
We're a debt-laden nation of religious hypocrites.
All we do well is shop and drive gas-guzzling SUVs.
You're fucking un-American.
Botwin! Rodriguez! Get your corn-holing, shit-stained asses over here, front and centre.
What's with all the recurring homophobic images? Starting to worry about this guy.
They're onto you, man.
You're gonna get court-martialled for all that Muslim-loving shit you've been spouting.
Yeah? They're calling you over, too.
Oh.
Oh.
I want you to return to your barracks, change into fresh greens, and report to me in nine minutes.
- Not eight, not ten.
Is that clear? - What's up? Botwin, you do not ever ask a commanding officer what's up.
He's not your fucking friend.
He's your goddamn master, your motherfucking god.
- You hear me, sperm breath? - Yeah.
- It's, "Yes, Sergeant.
" - Yes, Sergeant.
Fall out.
Move it.
Pretend I'm getting ready to put my foot up your Wow.
Lights on the church work.
- How awesome is this? - Come on, Doug.
It's my turn.
So, are we prepared to commit our city to being Majestic's bowl because the guy next door brought over a cool model? - I'm not 100% sold.
- Do you understand the numbers? - I do.
- And? And we have to be able to renegotiate on our terms and not theirs, otherwise we What's going on? I thought that we dealt with this last night.
- We did.
- Uh-huh.
- Why are you here? - Why am I here? - Why is he here? - Slumming.
- Yeah.
- And it's a good thing, too.
No one here knows his ass from a spreadsheet in the ground.
Or her ass, as the case may be.
Well, thanks for coming by, but we don't need you.
We agreed to hire an independent accountant who is gonna walk us through the entire proposal.
It's in the minutes.
- Right, Sarah? - The city coffers are empty, Celia.
Doug, what's your take on this Majestic proposal? Basically, Majestic's overflowing river of crap has got no place to go but through us like a fiscal colonic.
We got them by the sphincter.
- Shit highway could be our road to riches.
- Our road to riches? You know, the last time I checked, you weren't even on the Council.
Graduated Berkeley with honours.
Associate editor, Oxford University Press.
- What division were you in? - Sorry? What division? Academic books, reference, trade? Academic.
Textbooks mostly.
History.
Lots of Civil War stuff.
Reconstruction.
And how did you like New York? Oh, it was big, dirty.
Lots of people.
Coconut.
Nice.
You're a very beautiful woman.
I bet you look good rolling right out of bed in the morning, or in it the night before.
I have my moments.
If I hire you, I'll be paying for the right to make comments like that.
You OK with that? As long as you're OK with being shot down every time.
I like you, Nancy Botwin.
You're an operator.
The résumé's bullshit, of course, but the mind is there.
Here's what I do.
I sell values-based communities, which means that I, and you, need to act the part.
Crucifix pin on the lapel, a smile on the face, and a pleasant word for everyone.
No fucking the construction crews like my former assistant and then broadcasting it on the Internet.
Oh, I don't do porn so much anymore.
I found it very tiring.
Now, Majestic is my ninth community and by far the most ambitious.
A lot comes through that door every day that needs to be dealt with.
For instance, today I need to find personalised gifts for every member of the Agrestic City Council, and I have no idea what they'd like.
I can do that.
I know the people on the Council.
I figured as much, since it was Celia Hodes who recommended that I speak to you.
- Celia? - I think this is what's referred to as kismet.
Hey, spaceshot.
You just got yourself a job.
- You start Monday.
- Ooh! Can't believe they expect us to do this job straight.
Qué? - Yeah.
- Si.
Muy bien.
Mrs.
Gruber? Silas, did you know that if you drink and take Ambien, you can randomly black out and run your car into a boulder? Totalled the Volvo.
Who's that cute Latino guy? Hey.
It's so hot.
Yeah.
Why don't you take your shirt off? I'm fine.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
You're young and lean, like ostrich meat.
Erm, have you been drinking, Mrs.
Gruber? Don't tell.
Anyway, it isn't illegal unless you're behind the wheel of a car, is it? I guess not.
I'm wet.
How you know how high to hang those lights? optimum lumen output in a space this size.
- And you got to control the temperature? - Not just temperature, also humidity so the plant don't grow bacteria and fungus.
And anything else you want to know, I'm a wealth of information.
You impressed, aren't you? You like, "Wow, Conrad know what he talking about.
" Yeah, if you're dick was half as smart as your brain, you would've stayed far away from that girl like I told you.
If we gonna work together, you got to get off my dick, dumb as it might be.
Ain't gonna happen otherwise.
Fair enough.
They need us, and we need them.
Let's be their bowl.
No.
This is a closed session, Mr.
Wilson.
Hold that thought.
I have an announcement to make.
For personal reasons, I've decided to give up my position on the City Council.
- In accordance with - For fuck's sake.
section 324, paragraph C, we are hereby compelled to elect an interim council member to replace me until the next election.
I'm opening up the floor to nominations.
- I nominate Doug Wilson.
- I second the Doug Wilson nomination.
All those in favour of electing Doug Wilson as interim council member say aye.
- Aye.
- Oh, you guys.
All those against? - Nay.
- The resolution passes.
Doug Wilson will take my seat, effective immediately.
- No, this can't possibly be legal.
- It is.
- And what makes you so sure? - I wrote the bylaws.
So, now that that's that, I would like to open up a new order of business.
Since there's no longer a conflict of interest, I would like to nominate Mitch Kamin to contract all requisite landscaping that will accompany shit highway.
Yeah.
- This is bullshit.
- No, Celia, it's human shit.
You got to get on the same page with us.
I'm not gonna allow this to happen.
You are not going to turn this into your little corrupt kingdom again.
This time there's going to be checks and balances.
There's going to be oversight.
Are you hearing me? I'm shaking.
Nazdorovia! Oh! - Here we go.
Here we go.
- Pass it down.
Pass it down.
Here's to shit! Fill them up.
Let's go.
Mommy got a job.
Ice cream for everybody.
I'm the only one home.
Well, then, more for us.
What's your job? I'm the new West Coast head of Random House.
Mom, that's great.
I told you.
Yes! Actually, I'm the executive assistant to the head of the Majestic project.
By the way, darling, they do check résumés.
So, let's thank God Mommy smells like coconut.
- Hello.
- Where the fuck's my money? Hold on.
I'll be right back, sweetie.
Hey, guess what.
I got a job.
Your job is being my bitch.
Where the fuck is my money? OK, I'm having a little difficulty moving your brick at the moment.
It's motherfucking weed.
Everybody love that shit.
Sell it and bring me the money.
The DEA came to my house.
- I can't make a move right now.
- The fuck you can't.
DEA been up my ass since I popped out of my mama's sacred place, and that don't stop me one bit.
Fuck them.
I don't have your confidence.
Then find it, bitch.
Fuck, Yevgeny.
Not so hard.
Look, I want my money.
You hear me? Sell the weed to the fucking DEA all I care.
No more excuses.
- City and state, please.
- Santa Lejos, California.
- Listing? - Valley State campus security.
Erm I don't mean to quibble, Mrs.
Botwin.
I don't want to invite another visit from your friends, but some of these bags look a little light to me.
Look, I assure you they're not light.
It's just an airy blend.
- Look, you want it or not.
- Yeah, I'll take it.
I don't have the money on me, so I'll be right back.
- Why would you not bring the money? - I don't know.
You make me nervous.
I make you nervous? Yeah.
You're scary.
You're this scary lady drug dealer with thugs.
That's me.
Go get the money.
Leave the bag.
Go get the money.
Now.
OK, OK.
I'll be right back.
That's right.
You will.
Erm I have to drive to where the money is.
So, you want to come with me or wait here or what? I'll wait here.
I'll be right over there on that bench, OK? - Yeah.
- Make it snappy.
This is boring.
Gets us out of that fucking obstacle course.
All right, give me that phone.
- They said not to fuck with it.
- I'm not gonna fuck with it.
I just wanna look at it.
Come on.
What do you think would happen if we made a call? We're not supposed to make calls.
We're just supposed to turn it on, stand here, and let some drone take pictures of us.
- What are you doing? - Making a postcard.
Hey, that's funny.
- Give me your lighter.
- What for? I want you to take a picture of me lighting my fart.
OK, that's the spirit.
Hey.
Jesus, lady.
I thought you were someone else.
Come on.
Come on! Oh, this phone has video.
We can make a movie.
- Fuck.
- What's the matter? - I got nothing.
I'm tensing up.
- Fuck.
Give me that.
Let me show you how it's done.
All right? OK, OK, hold on.
Now point the camera at my ass.
Hurry.
I don't wanna see your balls, man.
Tuck them in.
All right, there, there, fine.
Ready? OK.
It's coming, and it's a good one.
Here it comes.
- Hey, what is that? - It's show time.
Fuck.
Holy shit.
OK, something.
Something, something.
Evidence.
Sorry, battle buddy.
- Merci, merci, madame.
- Please.
Just like Paris, huh? - Sullivan.
- I owe you a thank you.
Your friend, Nancy, she's gonna work out.
Thanks.
Honestly, the poor thing could really use help.
Entering the job market, you know, at her age.
That crouton thing they do on top of the soup, not good.
Try the croque-monsieur next time, or the quiche.
You seem to know your way around here.
I travel a lot.
There's a Café Deux Mercis in just about every city.
Same menu, same framed posters, same smell.
There's a certain comforting predictability to it.
- You live around here? - Sort of.
Yeah, yeah.
I sort of I'm in a hotel, temporarily.
Are you in the All Suites? That's where I am.
No.
No, I'm staying in one of the other ones.
Listen, what do you say we dump this crap and go someplace where the lighting's better and there's a full bar? I'm buying.
Yeah, thank you.
I think maybe another time, though.
Ah, I insist.
Why eat alone? I actually have some place I need to be.
Totally forgot.
I'm sorry.
I have to go now.
Thank you, though.
Yeah.
A rain check.
Should you reconsider.
A bientôt, mademoiselle.
First new message.
You been dodging my calls, bitch.
Did you move my brick? I want my money.
If I don't hear from you soon, I'm gonna pay you and yours a little visit.
I got a guy on payroll that just thinks up fucked-up shit to do to people.
Next message.
- You're gonna be late.
- It's OK.
You know, this community service thing is totally unsupervised.
Every morning they tell me where to go and what to do, but no one even bothers to check and see if I show up or not.
I still want you showing up.
The thing is, I can pretty much do anything I want.
No one's watching me.
- No one.
- I'm watching.
Plus, I meet lots of really cool people.
People who like to have fun.
People who would pay to have fun.
This is a non-starter.
I will never let you deal.
You don't have a choice.
I know you don't.
It's too dangerous.
I don't want this for you.
Come back here.
We'll discuss this later.
# Hey, marijuana # You make me wanna # Sing really stupid fucked-up songs all the time # Hey, marijuana # You make me wanna # Sing really stupid fucked-up songs all the time # But I don't know # Exactly where I'm gonna go # Just as long as I can still get out on marijuana, marijuana #