Weeds s04e06 Episode Script

Excellent Treasures

Previously on "weeds" I see no money.
I don't want to die! I don't want to die! - She's with me.
- You make this go away.
She's going to be staying with us.
You and your drug-dealing mommy? You can stay here and float me till the market comes back.
Tell her I expect 10 grand on the first of every month.
When are you coming back? The minute not-francie misses a payment.
Uh, you guys, uh, heading towards ren mar? Davenport, iowa.
Close enough.
Andy's friends, I'd like to welcome you to our country.
I hope you get to stay.
Why are you here in our house, mr.
Wilson? Where's your family? My family left me, buddy.
My life's a toilet.
I hate myself.
You happy now? This is your new job.
We're making you manager.
You're gonna give me all that money to manage the san ysidro maternity world? I got a normal, boring job.
It looks like I'm gonna be doing it for a long, long time.
And you Not for you.
What the "f"? proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ Season04 Episode06 * it's the perfect time * * it's the perfect day * * we should get away * * come on, let's go * - Idígame, pendeja! Dígame, ¿qu? est* haciendo aqu? - No, no comprendo! Cesar -- cesar, tell him that you know me.
Lev*ntate! Lev*ntate! You know, all I want to do is go back.
Would you let go of my arm? It's not like I haven't been to the garage before.
I just came in the back way this time.
Okay, I-I think we're in america now.
I have rights.
It was the man in the suit, wasn't it? The boss, big boss, el jefe? I think it would be wise for you to reimagine the events of this evening.
Now, you close up your shop, go on home to your family, and you saw nothing.
You mean no one.
That's right.
Don't break it! I'm asking a buck apiece for those.
These are all 50 states.
You can't break up the set, man.
You can't keep taking stuff.
There's gonna be nothing left to sell.
Are you kidding me? Look around.
Hey, we're not selling pictures of judah.
Photos are not included, just the frames.
But not the metal one, though.
Or that wood one there.
Or this other one here.
Ooh, pipes.
Can I have one? I think I could pull off a pipe.
Four bucks.
Four bucks? What a rip.
I am keeping these.
You're all scavengers.
Yeah, scavenger.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
There's gonna be nothing left for the estate sale if everybody keeps everything.
- Anything you want to keep? - Nothing.
Except maybe this cool cigar box so I can save it for my ashes.
You are a dark little fellow, aren't you? - Jews can't get cremated.
- Technically, I'm not jewish.
You are in the reform movement, and those are all the cool jews.
"Scraps"? "Rufus"? "Lucy"? Vintage murdered-dog collars.
Five bucks each.
Oh, jesus, bubbie.
did you get lucky with the rocky mountain chocolate guy last night? Fung? Please, I'm so not into asians.
Little rice dick, all that soy, pai gow -- not for me.
I would take the free fudge, however.
- How was your night? - I saw no one attractive in a place I wasn'T.
You're babbling.
- You need coffee.
- Yes, I do.
Um, hola.
Oh, a mexican man with a machine gun.
That looks like a nice pastry.
Are you gonna be here long? - Todo el tiempo.
- All the time, okay.
Well, then, um, soy nancy celia.
Ignacio, nice to meet you.
Mucho gusto.
Um, well, we're just gonna go and open up.
Do you want any coffee or anything? I'm getting coffee today.
Oh, got your coffee.
Okay, then.
Um, bye now.
Get out.
- Nancy - celia.
- There's a giant hole in the floor.
- I'm aware.
- What's in the hole? - Mexico.
You must never go there -- through the hole.
You can drive to mexico whenever you want.
Just be aware there's a very long wait to get back.
Don't drink the water.
Stay away from the hole.
And the man? Is that the attractive man from the place that you weren't? I went straight home.
I saw no one.
But he was so much better-looking than that guy.
Hey, davenport! Pescados.
Yeah, you go, man.
Look at yoga ass, with the ass like an apricot that she got in yoga.
Check out bitch badge.
Or is it tramp stamp? Either way, she's hot.
Wow, her friend's got madonna arms.
You think that's sexy? Not on a white woman.
You need to find a place to live, doug, you know, a place to take home the ladies.
- I got to make some money.
- Yeah.
We should be coyotes.
That guy who brought over davenport and marzipan was such an asshole, and he charged them a fortune.
I think we got a real opportunity here, doug.
We could be good coyotes, nice coyotes, like the jetblue of coyotes -- sun chips and bottled water, competitive pricing without the rape trees and extortion.
That could be our slogan.
I'm serious, man.
Oh, oh, look -- asian with big, fake tits.
Oh, what is that? Is there ice cream up the street? I love her.
I love you! I think illegal immigration for profit -- that's our next venture.
Oh, let me think about it.
I don't really like mexicans.
Yeah, well, think about it.
It's good money.
I'll think about it.
These pants are great, very elastic.
Um, here's a belly pillow.
Oh, what month is this belly? That's about A six-month belly.
- Holy shit.
- Yeah.
Wait till you see the six-month ass.
- Hi.
- "Hi"? You don't "hi" me.
You made trouble for me, going where you don't belong.
I didn't know.
When you gave me a tour of the store -- "here's the cash register, here's the back room" -- you might have said, "by the way, here's a tunnel to mexico.
" But you didn'T.
You said nothing.
Go do your job and go -- go out to the front and smile at the pregnant ladies.
That's a lot of pot.
That's what it's all about.
Did you really get in trouble with the man, the man in the suit? Who is the man in the suit? You didn't see a man in a suit.
Okay, fine, the invisible man -- what would he do if he existed? Don't know yet.
But anything happens to me, worse gonna happen to you.
We're just hoping for sunshine, preparing for rain.
Get the fuck back out there.
I'll go look for an umbrella.
I just don't understand why you're here.
Hi, mrs.
You don't even like me.
That's true.
I don'T.
So the fact that I am here, begging to live with you, should clearly demonstrate how awful my life has been.
I can't do it anymore.
I took a greyhound and sat next to a man with one leg.
I have no place to put you.
I've been sleeping on a chair, listening to daddy weep in the next room.
This it the first time I've left the hotel in weeks.
He clings, he over-shares.
I'm gonna be the only person he knows in michigan.
You're moving to michigan? Dad's going to defend criminals in detroit.
Everyone's out of work, no middle class, felonies at an all-time high.
It's his golden opportunity.
Oh, you're exaggerating.
It's motown.
It's cold.
You can layer.
I hear there's a great lake.
Canada is up there.
Look, go back to your father.
I will give you money to take the train.
It goes right along the coast.
It's lovely.
For the first time in your life, please, please don't act like a selfish fucking bitch! Save me.
I have a customer.
- I'll take the pants.
- Good.
Take the pants.
Go, have children.
See how they grow up to denigrate the fine city of detroit and call you a fucking bitch.
Here, have a coupon.
Well, look at you.
- Court appearance? - Laundry.
Hey, you got your tooth fixed.
Want to do it? Fucking you ruined my life.
The sex was good, though, wasn't it? - Not bad.
- My best.
- Really? - Legendary.
That's sad.
- I'm lonely.
- Me, too.
I think I'm getting used to it, though.
I burned through my happiness -- the american dream.
I don't think that comes around twice for many people.
Be nice if it came around once.
Isabel's a great kid.
- Oh, you don't have to be her mother.
- Neither do you.
You just hang out with her.
I wish I'd tried that with my son.
Gays are huge chick magnets.
He could have introduced me to some young hot thing.
Your "young hot thing" days are long over.
Yeah, probably unless I get rich.
Well, you could embezzle from ren mar.
I like it down here.
The ocean is therapeutic.
- So, you want to - no.
Absolutely not.
We'll see how strong your resolve is after a few more nights of couch squatting.
I'm picking up my fema vouchers tomorrow, getting myself a cordial suite.
It should last a few weeks and then a few more to evict me and -- god, doug, I said "no.
" I heard you.
Well, you have a good night.
Leave the wine and the mag.
Shane, how much do we want for the coffee table? - 125 - 80 - 125 - 120 Oh, my god.
Andy, look.
Check it out.
- It's yoga ass.
- Yeah? Where? You sure it's her? There, on the stairs.
She's looking at the grapes.
That's her.
I could never forget an ass like that.
Oh, she's mine.
She is so mine.
No, I saw her first.
On the beach maybe, but I saw her first in the house.
All right, all right, so we both go for it, and then best man wins.
I am so gonna win.
So not.
Watch it.
Oh, fuck.
That is not cool.
Andy: So not cool.
- He looks good, though.
- Yeah.
- Look at him work.
- Yeah.
He must be stopped.
What was that? Oh, gosh, I am so sorry about that! I am such a clumsy clown.
Doug wilson.
Andy botwin.
We live here.
Nice platter.
That's such a nice platter.
I can get you a discount on that.
Well, thanks.
Hey, guys.
Look at this.
Everyone wants a piece.
I got to show you something downstairs.
They have a metal detector! Who are you talking to? My mom.
This is lisa also known as rad's mom.
Rad's mom.
You own the cheese shop? Cheese gotta have it -- yep, that's me.
- That is so clever.
- Thanks.
I love your cheese.
- Come on, come on.
- It was nice meeting you.
You, too, silas.
Excuse me.
Your kid is scary.
My kid's awesome.
You're just cheap.
Enjoy your table! Put me down! Put me down! Help! Okay, I got it.
What's the grand total? We sold $8,327 worth of lenny's stuff.
And fuck him -- we're keeping it.
Where did nancy go? She ditch us? She probably went out to buy a "bed skirt.
" Or she's out selling drugs.
- Hey, can I hold the money? - No.
I'm gonna go hide this.
- We'll find it.
- Yeah, we will.
Whoa, check out sexy.
She swam in her clothes.
She's a wild hippie.
Think she shaves her pits? That must be the boyfriend.
This is weird.
Is this really happening? This is like a movie.
I wish we had milk duds.
They're illegals.
Help me! You are so beautiful.
You are like a mermaid, a mexican mermaid a mermex.
I thought you didn't like mexicans.
Just the fat ones.
- I'm doug.
- I'm -- What's going on here? This is my girlfriend.
She was just swimming with her clothes.
- I'm just doing my job.
- Your job is bullshit.
She just wants to be here.
Yeah, she wants to clean our toilets.
Or, uh, sewing or telecomunicacione.
- Let's go.
- SeÑor doug! Mermex! I keep your, uh, flippy-flop! You find me! I'll find you.
I will.
Oh, wait.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, I don't even know your name.
- Maria.
- Maria mermex.
S? seÑor flippy-flop.
You hear that? She called me "flippy-flop.
" How cute is that? We could bring her back here if we were coyotes.
I'm in.
The sale's over.
Lisa, hi.
listen did you sell that wacky pack poster? Rad's been bugging me about it all day.
No, uh, I kept it.
I like that poster.
But if he wants it, he can have it.
- Really? - Yeah.
He's a kid.
He should have it.
- Rad doesn't, uh, give a shit, actually.
- No? You want to go for a walk on the beach or something? Yes.
Uh, rad is fencing.
I have to pick him up at 6:00.
Well, let's go.
Uh, just, uh, let me grab a shirt.
- Let's -- let's get walking.
- Oh, thanks.
- You're welcome.
Pack a bag.
Well, hurry up before I change my mind.
Thank you.
I thought you didn't want her.
I'm her mother, dean.
And I could use the company.
I could use the company.
You could use a bath.
What if we move to newark or -- or -- or east st.
Louis? I got job offers there, too.
I live by the beach, dean.
It's better for her.
But there's not enough crime by the beach.
I need a job.
What did I do? I-I-I-I'm getting better.
I just -- I want to be a carefree latchkey kid who lives by the beach.
You're throwing me over for the beach? Location, location, location.
I just -- I really need a mom right now.
And celia said she'd try to find me one.
You understand that your mother is satan, right? It's the devil I know.
I-I I don't want to be alone.
I'm not your wife.
You call me every day.
And when you start to hate her again, which you will, you come back to daddy.
I love you.
I know.
I know.
I love you, too.
Try not to get shot.
Nancy botwin.
A widow living in ren mar.
Two sons -- shane and silas.
You never finished your last semester at berkeley.
You have four outstanding parking tickets and a strange tattoo on the upper left cheek of your backside.
You should not have gone through the tunnel.
- That was a mistake.
- I know.
You should not be asking questions questions about me.
I'm sorry.
You are sorry.
And your eyes are brown.
You must be punished learn a lesson.
It will be painful.
How about A spanking? A good, hard spanking.
Don't move.
¿Qu? pas? Alguien, uh, m*s importante espera pa' verte.
Pues apenas se est* poniendo divertido.
O al menos que nos digas que la matemos ahorita mismo.
Habr* m*s tiempo pa' diversiones cuando no tengas negocios que atender.
It's time for you to go.
Yeah, I-I heard the verb for "to kill.
" Yes.
Well, uh, work on your spanish.
Um, am I - am -- am i going back in the trunk? No, you're going home.
Just this once, you may use the tunnel.
- I'll call ahead and tell ignacio not to shoot you - okay.
For now.
Good night, nancy botwin.
- He's the mayor? - S?