Weeds s05e02 Episode Script

Machetes Up Top

Previously on Weeds: - It's a camera.
- You were recording me? - Fucking with me? - I'm listening.
There's a tunnel.
You make a bust, you get Guillermo and it never comes back to me.
- Lf you're gonna kill me, please do it fast.
- I will be in touch.
- And I love you.
- I'm pregnant.
Just because you've been a slutty, irresponsible, slutty slut who had unprotected sex with a Mexican gangster that doesn't mean we can't be friends.
Take Shane up to my sister's in the Oakland Hills.
Jill Price-Gray with a hyphen? Bitch face? I have your wife, Celia.
You send me money.
She's no longer my wife.
We're divorced.
- Then I will kill her.
- Do what you gotta do.
You want a ransom for Celia Hodes? Go fuck yourself.
That cunt can lick my balls.
- We're really not friends.
- Okay, 30 thou Get me my money.
- Let's go have sex.
- Get out! Out of my life.
You are a mean person.
You ought to grow in a national park.
The cool kids do it.
- Cleveland National Forest.
- We're not in Ohio, little man.
In San Diego County.
And you will lie back, open your legs and show the doctor I've chosen that in your flat stomach there is a baby that is both male and mine.
I wanna go home.
How's the miso soup? It's delightful.
He's not here.
What do you want? Coffee.
- Where's Esteban? - He's busy.
I'm here to keep you company.
I don't need company.
He thinks you do.
Really? Esteban, I never really imagined I'd be saying this in real life but call off your goon.
Call me.
I need to talk to you.
We need to talk.
I have to know what's going on.
He hasn't made up his mind yet.
You look a little green.
Ginger settles the stomach.
Ginger.
I'll try that.
Like a cartoon.
That's not respectful.
You're religious? - Selectively.
- Right.
The "thou shalt not kill" thing probably not working out for you, huh? And I support gay marriage.
Well, your visit has been a sheer delight.
But I have errands.
Mani-pedi.
Gotta pick up some stretch-mark cream.
I'm gonna get dressed.
You're gonna keep me company.
I will keep you company.
Typical Nancy.
Typical Nancy.
As if I have no life.
I mean, I couldn't possibly be doing anything important.
Ham or pepperoni? - Ham.
- Ham.
As if I'm running a hotel here.
Girls, will you sit down at the counter? It's as if we're awake all night, like vampires.
- Catfish.
- Catfish.
- What? - Catfish are nocturnal.
So are hedgehogs.
Yeah, as if we're catfish or hedgehogs.
Careful, careful.
Yum, yum.
Should we get up? In a minute.
Are they looking? - Why, are you naked? - No.
Just a little alert.
What? It happens.
Comfy couch.
Happy dreams.
- Awake.
- Awake.
Oh, hi.
Morning.
How did you sleep? Were you warm enough? Andy was.
Okay.
Here we go, girls.
Hey, Andy.
And my nephew.
- Shane.
- Yeah, Shane.
Right, right.
- Good to see you, Scott.
- Fantastic.
Nancy here? No, she couldn't make it.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah, in a sec.
Great.
That's great.
Oh, time, twins.
Lock and load.
Let's go.
- I want all of this eaten, okay? - Great seeing you guys.
Get yourselves some sun.
You're in California, for Pete's sake.
They live in California, Scott.
We've been to their house.
We've moved, but we're still in California.
I'll fill you in later.
All right, girls, let's go.
Come on.
I didn't know, because Nancy doesn't talk to me.
Would you like a Hot Pocket? Can you go for a walk or something? At least get out of the way.
Sit down.
Hey.
No, no, no.
Just sitting.
Yeah, it's time.
- He needs the fish.
- Oh, the fish.
You need the fish.
Inside, inside.
Put inside.
Put inside.
Inside, inside.
Yeah.
Fish eat dead skin.
$45.
What? Bikini wax.
You interested? It's my treat.
It hurts like hell, but Esteban really likes it.
I know you like to please the boss.
No? Okay.
Back in a few.
Okay, relax.
Sit down.
You like the fishy? No.
No.
No.
No, not yet finished.
- Hey.
- $45.
So, Lisa Palmisano, the little bitch with the shiny shoes who was Christine's friend, who sat behind me in math she sees the cake and she says, "That's what we should call you: Chunkball Fairycake.
" - Now, that's her prerogative if she - Wait.
Wait.
Is this it? Are we home? Well, there's a creek right there.
Irrigation.
And we've been walking for - What grade are you up to? - Sixth.
Yeah, we're far enough in.
This could be good.
Oh, thank God.
Look at that.
Hello, butterfly.
Silas, come check this out.
You're gonna miss it.
Come here.
Alight upon me.
Alight upon me.
Fucker.
Silas? What are you doing? You draining the main vein? Silas? Hey, wh? Get out of here.
Lacy Laplante.
The name threw me off.
They check ID when you come here.
They make you fill out forms.
Yeah, you always did know how to keep your ass covered.
Hey, you bring me Krispy Kremes? I'll send you a care package.
Just like you sent me.
Hey, why no camera in Jesus this time? I could've put on another show for you.
Why don't you just tell me a story? Story about what? A gringa princess who calls her DEA buddy and gets a magical tunnel shut down.
I don't know that story.
I know the one about the old woman, lived in a giant shoe.
Don't play cute, Blanca.
You stepped over the line this time.
You wanna act like a big boy, you gonna get treated like a big boy.
Don't think I ever acted or desired to be treated like a big boy.
That's right.
You're all cunt, ain't you? Yeah.
And titties.
Speaking of which is it true that in prison sometimes the bottom guys get tattoos of titties on their backs so that the big daddies can imagine they're looking at a woman when they're raping them? Do you know about that? I know you're the rat.
And rats die.
You might not wanna cause me stress.
I'm in a very delicate state.
Can you see I'm glowing? You got me.
Here I was thinking you're smart.
But you're a fool.
Ain't no ring on that finger.
You're not the wife.
You're the knocked-up puta whore rat.
She end up in a landfill.
Lady parts all chopped out.
Face all unrecognizable.
Yeah.
You were an interesting person to know, Nancy Botwin.
Get your affairs in order, Blanca.
I'm not the one you gotta worry about.
Fuck off.
- Fuck, I hate this place.
- This is about her, isn't it? Oh, buck up, Sourpuss.
You are so much better off without Quinn.
You're a rebel leader.
Do you know how many women are into that? Why do you wanna be with somebody who treats you like shit? Because I love her, okay? Or are you just telling yourself that you do? Because that's what I used to do.
I mean, I gave birth to her.
I am supposed to love her.
But she always has this expression like she's smelling bad cheese.
Yes.
- What is that? - I don't know.
There are so many non-cheese-sniffing girls out there for you.
Why are you still here, huh? - You remind me of her.
- I am nothing like her.
How could you even compare me to that little bitch? Oh, I'm sorry.
You know, you just make women wanna hit you.
Go.
Leave.
You're worth nothing.
- Really? I can go? - The sooner, the better.
There is some stuff going on.
Yeah.
I can't get involved in her stuff.
I mean, if she spent all her money on shoes and dresses.
- Can you get the other end? - Yeah.
If she totaled the car and didn't have insurance.
Or had an affair with a married guy and needs to recover at a spa She witnessed a Korean gang war in a parking lot of a golf superstore.
It was Mafia.
Choi Brothers against the Sun Hoo Clan.
Started with nunchackus, escalated to Glocks.
It's a very old rivalry, but still bitterly cantankerous.
Began over a girl, Mitzi Sun Hoo.
Name means fragile flower.
She was engaged to a Choi and then fell for a Sun Hoo.
Point is there was a shootout and Nancy saw it.
So she's gotta lay low until the trial.
If she decides to testify.
You know, she wants to, of course, but the price is high.
So if you could keep Shane, that would really help.
It would keep him safe.
Away from the Sun Hoos.
And the Chois.
Sure.
No problem.
I'm gonna open a bottle of wine.
Thanks.
Could be in Mexico right now surveying my crops.
And drinking legally.
Not my fault.
Entirely your fault.
Well, look at this.
Visitors.
What brings you boys far into the forest? Naturalists.
- Just hiking.
- Come on, you can do better than that.
- Bird watchers? - Butterflies.
- Butterflies.
- Northern butterflies.
Oh, even better.
You guys got a little net in there? Let's see.
Hey.
Think I found a beautiful butterfly right here.
Look, we're just looking for a place to grow.
- We didn't have any idea - Oh, yeah, this is unusual.
Oh, indica-sativa blend.
Afghani origin.
Original strain.
Mine.
Went through six or seven variations before I came up with that one.
You know, usually in this situation What's your name? - Silas.
- Silas.
Well, I could shoot you right now and dump you in the creek.
You and your dad.
My dad's dead.
We're friends.
Family friends.
It's a whole story.
Not sexual.
My dad's dead too.
Linstead, untie our compatriots.
Hey.
Thank me.
Thank you.
All right, well, these are mine now, Silas.
I'll treat them well.
Don't worry, your work is not in vain, okay? Now both of you get the fuck out of here before I have to shoot you in the head.
Be free.
You're taking all of them? Yeah.
Okay.
Got it.
Oh, who the fuck knows what would make him happy? All I know is no matter, you know, how much I sacrifice or how hard I work Can you open that? He never even sees it.
It's as if it all happens magically.
Little elves help the girls with their homework and drive them to Irish step-dancing class and fill the fridge and make the beds.
- When I think of what I gave up.
- Yes.
And no thank-you, I'm sure.
No, "I really, really appreciate you, Andy.
" No, "I'm so glad that you're here for the kids, Jill.
" No, of course not.
- You know why? - Why? They're takers.
Both of them, really.
They take and they bike.
I had a life.
Okay? I had a job.
I had friends.
- But they're all gone, right? - L And for what, really? Why? So we could be magical elves? - Am I talking too much? - No.
- They don't even care that we're elves.
- Because they're cute.
- We're cute too.
- Yeah.
And don't take this the wrong way.
I do love her.
She's my sister.
- I know.
- She's miserable.
- Am I talking too much? - No.
She's a miserable cunt.
And she plays the victim, but she always has time to put mascara on.
I'm the real victim.
And you're a victim too.
Because she doesn't appreciate you.
And your cuteness.
You have an eyelash.
No.
No, you know what? It's just your skin.
No, you deserve to be appreciated.
And me, too, you know, because Because it's been a long time since I was appreciated.
I can appreciate that.
Hey.
- Is there any food around here? - The mall.
You can't miss it.
Just go to the end of the driveway and you make a right.
Off you go.
Okay.
Hi.
I don't So in there, you'll find my life insurance policy a list of most of the places I've hidden money Are you even listening to me? Life insurance, hidden cash.
I heard you.
What do you think? I've been stashing these babies in ER waiting rooms.
I expect big things.
Gave yourself a healthy head of black hair.
I think it adds a certain Atticus Finch quality.
I've also hidden money on the upstairs landing in the jukebox, back behind the records.
- Photoshopped hair's too much? - It's lovely, but I'd like you to focus on the potential sudden and unfortunate death of Nancy if you don't mind.
- Yes.
Right.
Of course.
- You want me to update the custody? - Yes.
Silas becomes Shane's legal guardian.
Got it.
Excuse me.
Dean Hodes' office.
Please hold.
If something happens to me you'll take care of this for Silas and Shane, okay? Something happens? You going skydiving? None of your business.
Just make sure it's all taken care of.
I'm counting on you.
Just out of curiosity and poor self-image, why me? Because I trust you.
Because you're a parent.
Because you're the only person I could find on such short notice.
I think the hair is too much.
No, no, no.
Chair up, away.
Put these here.
Up here.
- Why are you still here? - Oh, hi.
I was hoping to have all this done before you got here but, oh, well, here it is.
Good organization calms people.
It's a fact.
Order is soothing.
So voilà.
I have organized.
Aquí, bullets in descending order of caliber.
Down on this shelf, empty magazines and grenade shells.
Down here, all handguns.
Then machetes and knives separated by blade length.
Some of the other stuff around here I wasn't sure about.
Like where do you put this? What? Machetes up top? Yeah, you are right.
Machetes up top.
Wait.
Wait, don't go.
Please, let me stay.
Let you stay? I don't have anywhere else to go.
Please.
I like it here.
My hair doesn't frizz.
I'm useful.
I will organize everything.
Do not make me go back there.
Everyone hates me.
I have no friends.
Selfish bitch.
Nancy's a bitch-face.
Fucking bitch.
Oh, Nancy's a bitch-face.
Fucking Nancy.
Fucking Nancy.
Oh, Nancy, fuck.
Oh, fuck, Nancy.
Hey, hey.
No smoke in here.
Tell me, what's the one thing you wouldn't want a person leaving this earth to not have tasted? You have allergies? Just bring it on.
Leave it to me.
Another? Sure.
And you know what? I'll have a whiskey too.
And one for you.
When I was 10, I jumped off the Morristown bridge.
It was in the newspaper.
"Daredevil girl survives fall.
" It wasn't a fall.
It was a leap.
Big difference.
What are you doing here? Are you drunk? No, I'm not drunk.
I can smell the liquor.
Is that why you slipped my goon? So you do listen to your messages.
Yes, I've been drinking.
And smoking.
And I had raw fish.
Very high in mercury.
You should be taking better care of my baby.
What's the point? I can't live with this level of stress.
It's killing my baby anyway.
I'm dead mom walking.
When am I gonna end up in a landfill? I haven't decided.
Decide.
Go ahead.
Do it.
Decide.
Okay.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You don't dictate the terms of this arrangement.
Okay? Time to go.