Weeds s08e09 Episode Script

Saplings

Previously on "Weeds" What kind of stank strain you brewin' over there? You want to see how ours match up? Who's got the munchies? Who won? Show me your plant.
You look cute in that jumpsuit.
I thought this job was gonna be fun.
I'm your new director of spiritual life, moreh Andy.
And this is afternoon discussion time.
Your foundation was granted a license to operate a facility for the homeless of this county.
You have 48 hours.
Without tenants like yourself, the state inspector will shut us down.
Boo! Does that sound pretty good? Not pregnant.
Andy.
You need to tell him.
You know he'll leave me.
You were off somewhere not being pregnant.
It's menopause, Andy.
It's not a choice.
You lied.
I'm a rabbi.
So? I see you -- up there, watching me.
You know, that night by the pool, I really wanted to kiss you.
A raccoon? Well, shit fire and save the matches.
I wish I could have seen that.
Mom? Crick Montgomery, ma'am.
Oh, who are you? He's from a tobacco company.
I can show you a business card if you'd like.
Silas, can I speak with you a second? Tobacco? He wants me to grow for him.
Grow cigarettes? Weed cigarettes.
It's this new idea they're developing.
Still in the early phases, obviously.
Okay, uh Tobacco doesn't speak to Silas.
You can talk to me.
Capiche? Mom? No.
No.
No.
She's right.
Forgot my manners.
That said, Mrs.
Botwin, you and I both care about the same thing.
Sweet tea? Debutante balls? Making sure Johnny Appleseed over here doesn't end up playing for the wrong team.
Right, and let me guess.
You're the right team? Well, between nerd scientists hamstrung by the FDA and cowboy capitalists with a two-century history of growing, rolling, and distributing? I know which pony I'd ride.
Silas is very happy where he is.
Tell him that you're I was happy.
Until I saw a machine eat my plant after being beaten and drowned in magnesium benzo-something.
Look, why don't I just leave these with you? Two tickets, first class, flying out of Kennedy tomorrow.
We'd love for both of you to come down and check us out.
I'll just let myself out.
You're phenomenally gifted, but your talents are being wasted at Smithjohnson.
I think we can offer you a heck of a lot more.
North Carolina.
Too hot this time of year.
Here you go.
Thanks.
I used to smoke in college.
Would they make me move to North Carolina? I'd have to work on one of those plantations? Not unless you want to.
We'll bring that up at the meeting, whatever you want to bring up.
Do they even have plantations anymore? You seem anxious.
No -- no! I'm excited for you.
Right? It's like I'm some athlete being recruited -- first class and a limo out to the airport.
You're the talent.
Remember that.
I know.
So, you make the demands, not them.
Just think about it.
Weed sold commercially.
My strain in every Walmart, gas station, every Five-and-Dime, Mom-and-Pop corner drugstore from New Haven to Sacramento.
I need you to support me.
Of course I support you.
Look at me -- here on this plane supporting you.
I mean today.
Today is gonna be totally about you.
Okay? I won't even speak if you don't want me to.
I'll just, like, gesture with those baseball signals.
Whatever you want.
Ooh.
Do you think they have those sundaes? Stewardess? Steward-- stewardess? Time for work My little parking attendant.
I heard he did it under the ark.
I heard the eternal flame flickered off and then back on.
- Nuh-unh.
- Uh-huh.
He totally boned her so hard the walls shook.
Hey! Who boned who? You didn't hear? Rabbi Dave totally diddled a goy.
Okay.
Oka-- that's enough.
Allen Royce was supposed to go over his haftorah with the rabbi.
And when he showed up, the door was locked and he could hear everything.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, hello.
Look, it's your mother.
Bye, Jonah.
L'hitraot.
She's always late.
It's cool.
We can wait.
Are you expecting anyone? All right.
I'm gonna get the door.
Don't stab me in the back.
Oh, thank goodness.
I thought this address was a joke.
Jordan Kovnot, Edgewood shelter in New Haven.
Doug Wilson, Douglas S.
Wilson Foundation.
Oh.
Just ignore the urine-jar lady back there.
But let know if she makes a move this way.
- Uh, this is where you do intake? - Yeah.
Well, obviously, it's a slow day today, but, uh Are you -- are you seeking shelter yourself, or? That's cute, Mr.
Wilson.
Oh, this is Jeff.
Jeff's had a bit of a rough patch, but he's got a big interview tomorrow, Bloomies men's department.
Fingers crossed.
Rudy.
Rudy shot two families and a goat in Iraq.
And he wasn't even there for the war.
Oh, how many Rudys you got out here? That many? Combined overflow from Hartford, Stamford, West Haven, Danbury, Bridgeport, Norwalk Oh, and I trust you know the new rules? You have to take whoever comes in, maintain 85% occupancy.
DSS will be checking -- weekly.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, I'm all over it.
I'm on it, yeah.
New rules.
Got it.
Oh, shit.
Said she was carrying our imaginary child and then hopped a plane back to Oakland, so now I got nothing -- no future, no progeny, no holding an infant in the palm of my hand like an eggplant.
What's up with your mom? She doesn't own a watch? She just got re-married to a 29-year-old day trader.
Let's see if rabbi Dave can find you a ride.
Oh, hang on.
Doing some gardening? Oh.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, Matthew's mom forgot to pick him up.
Oh, also, just as a heads up kids are spreading rumors about you diddling someone under the ark.
It was in my office.
It wasn't under the ark.
Oh, wow.
Okay, wow.
Well, way to go, rabbi.
Um Nancy.
Sorry? I, um was with Nancy.
How did? Huh, well, okay.
Na-- Was it Nancy, Nancy? I'm so sorry.
No, no, no, no, no.
No need.
Um, wow.
Would not have expected that.
Uh, who's Gabby? My wife -- late.
Late wife.
I planted this for her.
A pear tree -- was.
No! I'd rather walk home! I'd rather die than to have Cody pick me up! I think this crew could use some pancakes.
Hush puppies and pulled pork.
Slow-cooked over hickory and oak.
Local delicacies.
I thought smoking was outlawed in restaurants.
Well, Durham has a long tradition of rebelling against authority.
Plus, this is an industry town.
Just about everyone here is connected to tobacco -- if not them, their parents, their neighbors.
Their failing health.
Who do you think pays state children's health insurance? We give millions in tax dollars.
Perk of being America's most lucrative cash crop per acre.
You know what else is lucrative? Crack cocaine.
You were saying you wanted to take us on a tour? Yes! Right after lunch.
We'll tour the fields, the barns.
If you have any questions -- - I have a question.
- Not surprised.
- Slavery.
- Was a long time ago.
Not that long.
Also, I heard about this Indonesian baby that smokes like 10 packs a day.
It's a fat baby that's literally like chain-smoking.
Look, tobacco's made mistakes.
We have a complicated past.
My father ran this company for 45 years like an old-school robber baron.
But I want to modernize, diversify, find new markets, clean up our ingredient list.
Internationally, we're doing great.
But domestically, we need a new playbook.
Weed.
Exactly.
You know, it's actually cheaper to grow weed than tobacco, yet people pay more for it.
You've done your homework.
Um, I'm sorry.
How are you gonna grow weed if it's still illegal? 'Cause that's the part I'm confused about.
Can we let him talk? I want to show you guys something.
Y'all are gonna love this.
Kemo Sabes.
We've already designed the packs, just need the product to go inside.
Very retro-looking.
That's 'cause the logo's from the '70s, back when it first looked like weed was gonna be legalized.
Now, we even came up with an urban brand called "Cliffs.
" Urban meaning Uh, African-Americans.
It's a smart idea -- weed cigarettes.
But the name sucks.
Kemo Sabes, chemotherapy.
Fuck a duck.
Maybe we should hire you, too, right? I'd love to see the labs.
Funny thing.
That's not exactly possible right now.
- Why? - Why not? 'Cause there are no labs.
There's basically just this cardboard box and a sackful of money sitting in an offshore bank account.
Surprise! I-I don't understand.
Since, as your mother so wisely noted, weed isn't legal yet.
We can't officially kick off our R&D.
Pharma can, in the name of medical research, but we're recreational.
Hence, underground.
Hush-hush.
So, then there are others that you're approaching? Yes.
So the minute pot becomes legal, we can hit the ground running.
And what if -- if -- Silas gets caught? Then this meeting never happened.
- Right.
Back to the airport.
- Mom.
No, sorry -- Not in a chance in hell you're taking a risk like that for a big tobacco company.
If they want to do underground black ops, whatever.
Let 'em prey on other people's children.
What happened to supporting me? I am.
No, you're not.
Excuse me.
Hey! Come on! We're men.
We're resilient.
My mom married a dick.
At least she's still alive.
Oh, whoa.
A little dark there, rabbi.
I-I just feel -- I feel like I cheated on her.
You did not.
You can't cheat on a dead person.
And there's no covenant in judaism forbidding you from playing a little Romeo, right? As long as it's not with a child or a donkey or a gibeonite, according to Deuteronomy.
If my wife died, I'd date people.
How can I provide moral guidance if I myself have transgressed? Here's how.
Because you're a man -- flawed, troubled, but trying, striving.
And when you get past this, which you will, you'll go back to being the same scholarly, poker-faced rabbi Dave that we all know and love And fear, a little bit.
Here we go.
Silver dollar with whipped cream and nutella.
Omelet with Swiss and scallions.
And double blueberry tall stack, extra blueberries.
Oh, uh, I didn't order blueberries.
Oh, yeah, but they're in season.
You don't want to miss 'em.
All right.
Your turn.
Let's talk about Cody.
Um, he farts a lot.
Mm-hmm.
Let's find the silver lining.
Hmm, yeah.
You're one to talk.
I mean, you just got dumped, and here you are pretending life is full of sunshine and rainbows.
Jill left? Um, yeah, but, I mean That was never gonna work.
Andy, Andy, I would never have burdened you with my self-doubt had I known.
Please, tell us about it.
Oh, fuck.
Again? Hey.
Sorry, rabbi.
Smoking will kill you, you know.
You scared me.
Well, it's my house.
So technically, I should be the one who's spooked right now.
You need a light for that? Even with the tank, you still No, no.
I gave it up eons ago.
You're the one who killed those millions of people.
Their choice, not mine.
I don't smoke.
Let me guess.
My son Crick brought you out here to talk Kemo Sabes.
Marijuana, tobacco's final frontier.
You must be very proud of him.
Are you kidding? He's a yankee big shot, pitching crackpot ideas for a company that's been workin' fine for three generations.
But we got to pass down our legacies to someone.
I like the South -- legacies, tradition.
We don't have that up north.
We have sarcasm and iced coffee.
My son he wants to grow and make mistakes.
My daddy had this phrase.
"You got to bend the saplin' for it to grow up to be a proper tree.
" Funny thing.
My saplin' don't bend.
Mine won't either.
Live in the same house, but we haven't spoken for two years.
So what, that I can't throw a spiral? Gender roles are changing.
I think I'd make a really good father.
I could see that.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Stop.
You're a beautiful human being, Andy.
Y-y-y-you have a gorgeous, pulpy heart.
Why do I always feel like you're hitting on me? Yeah, he's right.
You're like a care bear.
Sick of waiting for my life to begin.
Like I'm in perpetual purgatory.
You ever feel like that? Mm, purgatory's -- it's a Roman catholic belief.
You and Nancy.
That happened so fast.
Too fast.
Maybe, maybe not.
Maybe everyone just needs to jump in.
Look at me.
Soon, I'm gonna hit male menopause.
I'm gonna be drooling during the day, not even just at night.
Whoa, Andy.
My advice? You need to forget about Jill.
Maybe -- maybe try dating someone who you're not distantly related to.
Hmm.
You know, we have singles night every Wednesday.
I could sign you up.
Jesus Christ.
And you, mister.
We got to get you home.
We'll talk in the car.
Hey.
I don't know if I should say this, but I don't think Nancy's loved anyone since Judah died -- like truly, emotionally loved someone, for what it's worth.
Well, do you think she's capable? Hmm.
I have no idea.
She probably has no idea, or she has an idea, but What she really needs is the exact opposite of her idea -- someone smart and warm, even-keeled, romantic kind to strangers old people great smile Thank you.
Just a second.
Want a ride? Why is your car on fake fire? 'Cause it's badass -- Goes from 0 to 60 in less than 3.
7 seconds.
I think -- I haven't really floored it yet.
You stole from the impound lot? Borrowed.
One of the perks of being a parking attendant.
You getting in or not? I really shouldn't.
Come on.
Can't a guy take his girlfriend for a joy ride? I brought shake shack.
Okay.
One hour.
That's it.
What are you doing in a barn? It's a curing barn.
Oh, a-are you cured? Don't be mad at me for trying to protect you.
From what? Actually liking my job? Uh, from getting involved with powerful people who don't care about you.
At least pharma's medical, helps people.
Come on.
Weed is not medicine.
I am so fucking sick of pretending like I grow an illegal and awesomely fun drug, which I do not feel guilty about.
Maybe you do, but I don't.
And I don't want to grow it in some lab pretending it's some cure for nausea or anorexia or in the garage like it's a hobby.
I want to do it for real, send my product out into the world.
And if that means teaming up with some, whatever, sketchy Southern tobacco company, then that's what I want to do.
W-when I sold, I drew lines.
What lines? It's weed.
No kids.
If you think that when you sell a brick, pieces of it don't end up in fucking high schools Tobacco, uh, has a -- a history of advertising to children.
You're kidding yourself.
I know who I am.
So do I.
I know you're an adult, but I'm still your mother.
And I'm worried about you and your future, not tobacco's future or pot's future.
I And this place, it -- it's freaky.
I just met Crick's father on the porch.
They haven't spoken in two years! And I'm hot.
This barn smells.
And, you don't want move to North Carolina.
Can we go back in the house now? Where are the meals? Where are the beds at? I have to poop.
I got snacks right here.
There's a bathroom down on the first floor.
That bathroom needs a key.
I lost the key, okay? Hey, no one leaves.
You got to stay here! Hey! Hey! I need 85% occupancy! You're at 83.
7.
I did the math.
This is bullshit.
This is a fucking office.
It's not a shelter.
Well, what if I lay down some yoga mats, light some incense.
You think you're the first person who's tried to scam the homeless? Last week, some guy tried to turn me into a fucking human Wi-Fi hotspot.
"Can you strap this wireless transmitter to your chest and walk around?" Of course I can.
Why? Because I'm vulnerable.
Because I'm seen as a fucking object instead of a human being! Because I live in a country that doesn't believe in social welfare and thinks that anyone who needs a little help is a teat-sucking sloth junkie with shit for brains and fucking cocksucker -- sucking -- Get it out.
Get it out.
Oh! Boobies! Okay.
Okay.
Now I know why you're homeless.
I'm gonna report you.
Wha? You are going to jail, shithead.
Mm-hmm.
Send him to jail! Jail! Jail! Jail! Jail! Wait! Wait! Wait! I can handle this! All right, hold on a second! You need things, right? I got a credit card, yeah.
You tell Uncle Doug what you want.
You just shout it out.
Go ahead.
I want some cold beer.
Penthouse, stamford marriott.
And a fuck machine.
Okay.
Okay.
I have to poop.
- I'd need new equipment, more spinners.
- Obviously.
And I might want to hire a staff -- small, a few people.
Your call, Kemo Sabe.
Oh, damn.
Now I can't stop thinking about bald, sick people.
Anyway, boss.
Wait, this is it? If there's no real contract, what's to keep us from taking the money and walking? This company was built on a handshake.
Now, we intend to keep our part of the bargain.
I'm trusting you both to have the decency to do the same.
Let's bust out the juleps! Mm.
Ain't that Ice Pick's ride? Nuh-unh, man.
Ice Pick in the joint.
He got caught jerking it at the public library.
He been trying to get that online law degree, like Atticus Finch and shit.
Hold up.
That's definitely Ice Pick's ride.
Who else you know got them dumb-ass stickers on the side? Damn.
You think that's Vanessa he got in there? Ooh, mnh-mnh.
Come on, man.
You're tickling my foot.
I'm not touching your foot.
Where's my gun? This one's for Ice Pick.
Studious motherfucker.
Fuck.
- You blinked! - No! I thought it was first one to laugh! Fine.
Well, then you lose that one, too.
Oh! Damn your pretty robot eyes.
Oh, I have practice.
Yeah, I have two 5-year-old cousins.
I have a 5-year-old nephew.
God, they're great, right? Oh, it's like you get to learn the whole world again from scratch.
Just Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Um, I have this 3-seat tandem bike that I force them to ride -- has long streamers.
It's pretty embarrassing.
Uh -- for them, not for me.
When I was younger, I drove my bike into a park bench and had to get two fingers reattached.
Yeah, I call them my Franken-fingers.
Oh, God! Have I totally grossed you out? I'm sorry.
I figured, since you're always coming to my pool You didn't call me back.
I needed to figure some things out.
Did you figure them out? Oh, no.
But I'm starting to.
We should put tin cans on my bike.
Right! - Because it's a tandem.
- Uh-huh.
Andrew Botwin and Joanna Jacobs.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! What? What is that for? You'll see.