Weird City (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

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1 (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) (DOG BARKING AND SIRENS IN THE DISTANCE) SOMEWHERE BELOW THE LINE - Glail! - Yeah.
You got the detonators? - Hell, yeah! - Good.
Alright.
The truck should roll in any minute.
We'll wait for the drivers to leave, and then Bang! We blow the door off that mother.
And a whole big-ass payload of chemicals is ours for the taking.
Uh-huh.
We gonna use those chemicals to manufacture Schnootzy.
The most powerful drug available.
- Hm! - Makes meth and bath salts seem like artificial sweetener! Ha! Ha! Yeah, I just hope, we don't have to use this.
- Oh, the gun? - Uh-huh.
For sure.
But we will if we have to.
We're criminal We're criminals.
Yeah BELOW: GLAIL & CHARLOTTA YVETTE NICOLE BROWN AS GLAIL AWKWAFINA AS CHARLOTTA BELOW: GLAIL & CHARLOTTA CREATED BY CHAR-LEE SAN-DERS ABOVE THE LINE BELOW: GLAIL & CHARLOTTA REQUIRED VIEWING but we will if we have to.
We're criminals.
you're enjoying Prestige TV - Yeah Uh, Charlotta? - What is it, Glail? W-why are we saying this to each other? - What? - Why are we telling each other this? I mean, we know who we are.
We know why we're here.
Why are we talking about it? We're talking about how we're criminals, and we're about to steal some chemicals to make Schnootzy, the drug that's worse than meth.
Yeah You're doing it right now.
I'm doing what? What the hell are you talking about? Oh! You know what? You're probably still wasted from last night.
- Oh! Yeah! - Come on help me wire these detonators.
Ha! Yeah! Charlotta, what happened last night? - What? - Last night.
You said I'm probably still messed up from last night.
Wh-what did we do last night? Partying! Drugs! Drogas! You know! - We're criminals, girl, come on! - Yeah! And we pull so many crimes, and give so little shit, that we get totally sh-wasted the night before, dude.
We don't give a shit! Yeah, yeah, yeah! But what specifically? What specifically did we do? I don't even remember, to be honest, 'cause, you know But probably Schnootzy though, because we really love that shit.
And it gets you so messed up, it's better than meth in my opinion.
It is.
Yeah.
Yeah, but you're guessing? I just think it's strange that neither one of us knows what happened last night.
Of course, I remember.
See, we were partying.
- You said that.
- (WHOOSHING) (CHARLOTTA): I can see it now.
- We were partying! - (GLAIL): With who? Dudes.
Hot dudes! Like, six-pack abs galore! Oh yeah! Okay.
But what were their names? Who cares? We're the kind of ladies that don't care what some dude's names are! No, Charlotta, I'm serious.
Tell me some of their names.
There was Sammy.
But Sammi with an "I".
Who else? - Timmy.
- Hm But there was a "y" where the "I" was supposed to be, and an "I" where the "y" was supposed to be.
- Hm.
- Oh! He was the hottest one of all.
Yeah! Good ol' Sammi and Tymmi.
That's real generic, Charlotta.
Real generic names, Charlotta! Oh, come on, Glail! You're shaking me while I'm holding powerful-ass explosives? - Dumbass! - I'm sorry.
But I mean, you saw it, right, like, as I was describing it? In your mind's eye.
You know.
I mean, it was real shadowy and unspecific.
Oh, well, I'm sorry that my memory doesn't have the budget to shoot a killer party scene for you.
What?! You just said your memory doesn't have the budget! Shut the hell up, Glail! Help me wire these goddamn explosives! Look at your hands.
You're just moving your hands around with chords in them.
You're not doing anything! You don't even know how to do it! Glail, I know how to wire explosives.
This uh, is bullshit.
That's enough! Get your shit together, Glail! What the hell? See? You didn't even make contact.
Wh I mean Well, I h I heard the sounds though.
The sound came from somewhere else.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
This is crazy.
Nope.
Nope.
- You know what's even crazier? - What? I feel like walking over there.
Oh, w-w-where? Where? Past where I feel like we supposed to be walking.
- Yo No, no, no.
- I'm scared.
- Glail, don't do it.
- Just one foot in front of the other.
- You just got to keep moving.
- Glail! Be careful! Ha! Where am I? What the hell? What is this? It's a table with, uh coffee and doughnuts, and - oh my lord, they have jicama.
- They have jicama? Do you think we can take these? I mean, I feel like it's for us.
Look! BELOW: GLAIL & CHARLOTTA SERIES FINALE Holy shit, Glail, it's us! - Charlotta, we're on a TV show.
- And it's the (BOTH): series finale! Well, that sounds like the end.
- Oh hey! - Ah!! (OVERLAPPING YELLING) Hey, I'm Mario, from Tender Pipes.
I can fix any plumbing problem your house has.
For instance, if your drains are clogged.
Ha! Ha! If you got pipes that need scrappin', I'm your guy.
I can do anything your house needs.
I got all the tools necessary for the job.
You got a broken down toilet? No problem.
Your whole house is flooding? I got you.
Just call the number on the bottom of the screen, ask for Mario! - (CALL TODAY!!) - I'll fix your house! Ha! Ha! (NARRATOR 1): Now with a new location, serving East Irmingblam.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC) (SCREAM-SINGING): Drink PEJ You're the man get the girl Drink PEJ Drink PEJ PEJ PEJ PEJ Drink PEJ Yeah PEJ Drink PEJ (NARRATOR 2): Sponsored by Negari Labs.
(NARRATOR 3): Nobody asked for it? You got it.
The complete collection of Hobo Railroad Project.
ALL 19 SONGS, INCLUDING: "Got My Daddy and My Momma" Need credit call Pops and Mama both "Cat's Bro-Jamas".
Play my harmonica as the world burns "Sext One Two Three".
Sexting sexting sexting Sexting the night away And, of course, "Got My Daddy and My Momma".
Have my Daddy and my Momma both If you grew up Above the line these are the ballads of your lives.
- (MAN): Yeehaw! - You've had it easy? Then this collection will walk you through all of your limited, shallow emotions.
So, buy now! (SCREAMING) Wait! What the hell just happened? We faded to commercial.
Charlotta, do you know what this means? Not exactly, but I want a PEJ.
It means that we're characters in a TV show.
This is the series finale, which means, in about 20 minutes, we no longer exist! - Oh, my God, Glail I want to live.
- I want to live too.
I mean, maybe if we figure out what kind of fucking show we're on, well, we can figure out how to keep it going.
You said "fuck", so I'm thinking it's premium cable.
- Oh goddamn, that's good.
- Why is that good? Just artistically.
Doesn't help our situation.
You know, let's think this through.
What can we control? Uh, I woke up this morning, I went to meet Palph at the storeroom to get explosives - Uh - What the hell is this on our faces? - I-I don't know.
- Uh, I came to meet you.
- And then, I, uh - It's a map! It shows where you went.
- It's for the audience.
- Oh.
Try this.
Say something that didn't happen.
Okay.
I went to the candy store.
- And that didn't happen.
- No.
If what you're saying is true, in reality, you didn't do anything because we only exist in 30-minute increments.
I think we actually exist in hour increments, 'cause this feels like a drama.
Oh really? I thought it was kind of funny.
Hasn't made me chuckle.
Okay.
If you said you went to the candy store, but didn't, yet it still shows up on the map, that means that we still have some control over our past.
And by extension, our future.
Look! - Candy! - Ah! Okay, okay! I woke up, I went to get some coffee, and then, I went to the dress shop, I bought a gown and I left wearing it.
(SCREAMING) Holy shit! I want a gown too! I also went to the dress shop.
(GASPING) Oh, my God! Nice! Who you wearing? Alexander McQueen, and you? - Zero Cornelius! - (LAUGHTER) Uh, I also went to the jewellery store! Ah! Ha! Ha! Enough with the outfit.
- You know what I mean? - Okay.
Okay, now I'm done.
Alright, well, you know what this means, right? What? We can control it.
We can control our lives! It means we have free will! (BOTH CHANTING): We have free will, we have free will! It's kind of hard to jump in these heels.
- Yeah, I'm kind of over this outfit.
- (SNAPPING FINGERS) Okay, the important thing is, we have free will.
So now, we just have to (DEEP VOICE): No, we don't.
Wait, what? Why not? (DEEP VOICE): Because I say we don't.
Charlotta, why would you say that? Oh, it's not Charlotta, it's me, Char-Lee San-Ders, the creator of the show.
I'm the one writing this.
Okay, if you're "Char-Lee", the creator of the show and you're speaking through Charlotta, where are you right now? Uh, I'm in an airplane over the Pacific Ocean.
I'm going to Bangkok! - Shit, seriously? - Yeah, my brother lives there.
I-I'm doing I'm working on the script on the plane.
- Okay.
Uh, how old are you? - Thirty-six.
Thirty-eight.
Took me a couple years to get the show made.
- Come on, dude.
- It's 1 pm, I just woke up.
I got super drunk last night though.
I'm hungover.
Yeah, I know.
I had a rough childhood.
That doesn't justify it! You a grown man.
You making these decisions now! Hey, don't judge me, Glail, you're a criminal, dude.
So are you! I'm not a I'm not a criminal.
The character's a You know, forget it.
Charlotta, come back.
(IN NORMAL VOICE): Where was I? You were nowhere.
The creator of the show took over your body.
- We gotta get out of this show.
- Oh, no, - there's another ad break coming.
- No! - Oh, no, no.
- You know what? We been here before.
- I'm not bothered at all.
- Ah, alright.
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Or skiing in the moonlight? Or doing any water activity you want at any time? Then, visit Irmingblam.
You're gonna love it because unlike what certain people tell you So humid.
Irmingblam is great this time of year! Paid for by the Irmingblam Tourism Association (WOMAN CHUCKLING SOFTLY) How did I get here? (NARRATOR 5): Hi, do you enjoy going Above The Line on the weekends to spend a little time? Do you enjoy making new friends by having them walk by you? Do you enjoy the breeze? I know I do.
Try reading in a park.
It's a great way to sit on a bench and see people from over the edge of a book.
Books, am I right? If you're lucky, a stranger will interrupt you.
That's called a friend.
I made this commercial myself because I enjoy reading in a park so much.
You should try it too.
I've been here for four days.
Goodbye, and thank you for your time.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) (SENSUAL MUSIC) (SENSUAL VOICE): Hey, it's Mario, from Tender Pipes.
I can fix any plumbing problem your house has.
For instance, if your drains are clogged.
I can unclog them.
If you got pipes that need scrappin', I'm your guy.
I can do anything your house needs.
(SNIFFLING): I got all the tools necessary for the job.
Just call the number on the bottom of the screen.
I'm Mario, and I'll (BLEEP!) your house.
Just call.
(NARRATOR 6): Now with a new location, servicing East Irmingblam.
(NARRATOR 7): Tonight, the dramatic series finale that you don't want to miss.
(GUNSHOT) That you legally can't miss.
Above The Line Required Viewing Code - 10-04-&& Core Programming Get your shit together, Gl That you currently aren't missing.
How will it end? (THUNDERING EXPLOSION) Will it end? BELOW: Glail & Charlotta.
Tonight - (BOTH): No - (GLAIL): Ah! Who do we have to (BLEEP!) to get off this show? Glail, there is no getting off the show.
The show is all there is.
That is not the case, 'cause I spoke to the creator, and he was on a plane and sitting at a desk somewhere in this other world.
So there might be another world, but we'll never get to it.
Holy shit! This is it! This is the set of the show we're on! Look, it's a camera.
These are those weird, high, folding chairs - everybody sits in.
- Why are they always these chairs? I don't know.
But Glail, there are no people.
Who's steering the ship? We're all alone? (ALARM RINGING) Oh, wait! People! - Hello! - Hi! - Can you help us? No? - Can you help us? Why aren't they talking? Oh, they're extras.
If they talk, - they make more money.
- Oh.
Uh, hi, hello.
I'll talk to you guys.
(GLAIL): Holy shit! What the hell?! - Why'd you shoot him? - I don't know.
I saw that gun in Act 1, I felt like I should use it.
- Hm, Chekhov's gun.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
(SIGH): Well, we're lost somewhere between free will and determinism.
Oh, God, what are you, Jean-Paul Sartre? You know what? Maybe we shouldn't worry about our characters dying.
Maybe we want this show to end.
Right, because then, then, we'd wake up and we'd just be ourselves, the actors.
Uh-huh.
I can go out for some better roles.
I could focus on my puppetry.
You know what? Let's finish this episode.
Let's finish this episode.
- For luck! - For luck.
Uh-huh.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC) - There's the truck.
Okay, uh, Charlotta, like, what if we don't blow the door off.
I mean, we don't have to do it.
I don't want to do it, but I feel like I have to, I Ah, no, no, no! But we don't have to, Charlotta, we can not do it.
- Just don't do it.
- I'm not gonna hit it! - I'm not gonna hit the switch - Don't do it, don't do it! Come on! Come on! (SCREAMING) (SOFT MOANING) - Glail.
- Yeah.
I didn't even flip the switch.
It blew up anyway.
Maybe it doesn't even matter.
Maybe it was just meant to be.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (ALARM RINGING) - Ooh! - Oh, man.
It was great working with you.
(BRITISH ACCENT): Oh, it was lovely.
Absolutely lovely.
- It's back to our lives.
- Oh, back to our families, and lives.
Oh, would you like to keep in touch? - Oh, I would love to.
Yes.
- I'll have my Steffi call your Steffi.
That would be great! (OMINOUS MUSIC) (SOFTLY): No.
What's happening? - Let us out! - Oh, please! Please, please! - Please let us out! - Help! Please, please! No, we're inside.
(CHARLIE): Submitted for your approval: two characters, trapped on the set of a show they can't escape.
But when you think about it, aren't we all just actors in an underbudgeted episode? Food for thought, from Weird City.
(EERIE MUSIC) (SCREAMING) (PANTING): I just had the craziest dream.
Me too! (FAIRYTALE MUSIC) Oh.
- (LAUGHING): Look at this! - Oh, honey! (MAN, WARPED): This is amazing.
(COUPLE, IN SMALL VOICES): Oh, my God! Helen, oh It tastes like bubblegum.
(GUNSHOT) (THUDDING) (SOFTLY, ECHOING): Irmingblam.
(CLINKING) (SOFT, '50S-STYLE ROCK MUSIC) Don't you cry Ooh ooh ooh Ahh Please please don't you cry Ooh ooh ooh Ahh