Weird Science s05e11 Episode Script

I, Chettus

Late, late, late! Citizens, I see that you are not in your assigned home forums this morning.
Um, we're late because - You're wearing a toga.
- Yes, I am.
And in the future I trust you'll pay closer attention to the school dress code, as well.
Carry on citizens.
( Bell rings ) Is it just me or has our universe been slightly altered? That, or it's toga day.
Is it toga day? - More like toga world.
- Lis, what did you do? How come whenever you find yourself in some new fantastic reality, it's always my fault? You're right.
Maybe my gaseous burps ripped a hole in the space-time continuum.
It could've been anybody.
It could've been Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, what? Chett.
Chett asked to go on an adventure in ancient Rome.
He promised to be good.
I ought to have my head examined.
Once we find the history hopper we can go and get Chett.
If we find out what he did to screw up the timeline, maybe we can fix it.
Anti-gravity beanie.
History hopper.
Oh! WYATT: Ancient Rome, here we come.
Okay, keep your eyes peeled for whatever Chett did to alter history.
Remember, it may be something so small we might not notice.
A single slender thread pulled from the intricate tapestry of time.
- Like this matchbook? - Exactly! Like that matchbook.
( People clamoring ) Or that jeep.
Hey, freaks what are you doing here? ( Disco music playing ) Chett, what are you doing? I told you not to meddle with the past.
- You're destroying our future.
- Your future, pit-lick, not mine.
I'm not going back.
This place is a bronze-age party zone.
- Chett, listen.
- I'm not Chett anymore.
I'm Chettus Maximus mystic traveler from another land.
Bringer of magic and wonder.
Here you go.
Wards off evil spirits.
Now, if you'll excuse me I have a wet toga contest to judge.
- He'll need a water boy.
- Stay focused.
If we want to fix history we have to decontaminate the timeline.
We need to collect everything Chett brought back with him.
( Horn honking ) MAN: Hey, let me ride it! This may be harder than I thought.
Where are the others? You did tell them there was a slave revolt meeting today.
Yes, Bodacious, but most of our followers were out partying with Chettus Maximus all night.
The suicide squad has the dry heaves.
How am I supposed to stoke the fires of rebellion when the oppressed masses are too drunk to know how oppressed they are? ( Slurping ) ( Loud belch ) Chettus is ruining everything.
Come on, guys.
One more, we got ourselves a hack.
Are you Chettus Maximus? - You got it.
- You're under arrest.
Hey! Easy, pal.
Okay, I was being greedy.
The emperor wants a cut, right? - I'm cool with that.
- Shut up.
All bow down before his mighty and omnipotent highness smiter of his enemies potent and all-powerful ruler of Rome Emperor Timidius.
Are you quite sure he's all chained up? - Yes, my liege.
- Ah.
( Fanfare playing ) So you are Chettus Maximus.
At last, I meet the man who has so bewitched my subjects.
Excuse me, Your Mightiness.
I didn't mean to Silence! Do you not know who I am? I am Timidius, the greatest warrior this empire has ever known.
( Snaps finger ) Yes, you.
Come forward.
Observe while I dispatch our mightiest warrior in hand-to-hand combat.
( Whispering ) So you see, Chettus you'd best not trifle with me - if you value your life.
- Uh Okay.
Now, tell me the truth.
Have you been sent here to assassinate me and to seize my throne?! Hell, no, Emperor.
You've got nothing to worry about.
I just came here to party and I brought you gifts.
Gifts? I rather like gifts.
What sort of gifts? These are pork rinds.
They're a delicacy in my land.
A delicacy, you say.
I am feeling a bit peckish.
Oh, my.
It doesn't taste like anything.
- I can't stop, you know.
- They're delicious.
They're very bad, actually, but may I have another? Thank you.
What are we going to do? Chettus has won the favor of the emperor.
Well, then I must gain the favor of Chettus.
I will sacrifice my body for the rebellion.
What do you think? I think you're a jerk.
You're stupid.
What a pig.
Bite me.
Why should I trade you my mystic oracle? The cow says ( Cow mooing ) Yea, it speaks the truth.
The cow does say, "moo.
" With the power of this all-knowing device I will be unbeatable on the battlefield.
Look, the cow goes moo, the pig goes oink.
You know that stuff.
What you really need are these.
Magic beans.
Magic beans? Plant them and a magic vine will grow.
Yes? And then you Gird your loins with the vine and you will be invincible.
All right, it's a deal.
- Magic beans? - Tic tacs.
You are right, Chettus.
This side is tingling.
Takes care of them flakes, too.
Another cold one, your worship? Oh, Chettus, you have brought me many wonders.
This box of tiny minstrels.
These oil-sodden treats.
Tough-actin' tinactin.
Please accept This slave girl as a token of my thanks.
I am Bodacious.
You certainly are.
I have to have that hand.
I'll trade you 20 magic beans for it.
Oh, but this is the largest hand in all of Rome.
When I raise it, others follow.
When I wave it, legions cheer.
Not for all the magic beans in Rome would I part with it.
Okay, but beware-- others covet the giant hand.
Even now enemies of the giant hand conspire against you plotting to sever it from your arm.
- Five.
- Done.
So, trying to peddle your phony magic beans to some other unsuspecting victim? I planted those beans and nothing happened.
- Did you water them? - Naturally.
With goat's blood? Don't tell me how to grow magic beans! Take them away! The lions will eat well tonight.
You just made a big mistake, pal.
You'll rue the day you tangled with the magic bean lady.
GARY: You're making a mistake! - Come on, let us out of here! - You're in big trouble, pal.
Okay, look, we'll worry about fixing the timeline later.
Right now, just zap us out of here.
What's that? Since electricity hasn't been harnessed, I'm powerless.
That's why I brought this battery pack-- to power my magic.
I can also see if my nose is shiny.
Hang on.
To your togas.
Damn! I knew I should have used those bunny batteries.
( Fanfare plays ) All bow down before the potent and all-powerful master of Rome wrathful and merciless smiter of his enemies Yes.
Quite all right.
All that's very nice, yes.
Uh ahem.
My people, today I present to you the newest member of my high council.
You know him as a purveyor of mirth and magic.
I know him as my loyal ally and new "bud," Chettus Maximus.
( Crowd cheers ) Oh, my goodness.
Not really hurting him.
Thank you all.
I feel like I finally found a place where I belong.
Lovely, lovely.
And to say thanks to all of you my bud, Timidius, and I are going to throw a ten-keg beer and ribs blow-out - at the palace this afternoon! - ( Crowd cheers ) Be there or be flayed alive by the royal torturer.
( Crowd gasps ) I'm just kidding.
Just kidding.
I'm kidding.
Like he does.
Oh, my, what's this? Everyone do this.
Churn the butter.
You, churn the butter.
That's right, funky fresh.
Everyone's very funky now.
Let's all churn the butter.
# Get down tonight.
# I have a plan to reignite the fury of the masses.
Chettus Maximus is the most popular man in the whole of Rome, correct? - He's an unstoppable party chariot.
- Verily.
But what if he were to die at Emperor Timidius's hand? Then the people would have a reason to hate the emperor again.
Chettus would be a martyr and our rebellion would flourish.
But how are we going to get the emperor to kill him? Oh, leave that To me.
Chettus must die for our cause to live.
Remember this moment, brothers.
For together, we shall change the course of history.
( Men cheering ) - Knock his block off! - Oh, my.
Oh, my, this new form of combat is quite thrilling, Chettus.
Wait till later.
I got twister.
- Oh, twister, very good.
- Master.
Your beer bash really is a great success.
There's only one thing missing.
You in a tub of hummus wearing a pita bread bikini? These stimulating magic crystals.
The pop rocks? You must let the emperor try them.
He didn't really go for the atomic fireballs.
Oh, trust me.
He loves surprises.
He'll go mad over these.
( Crowd cheering ) Oh-oh.
( Squeaky voice ): Off with his head.
( All cheer ) ( Loud thud ) ( All cheer ) - Hey, Emp.
- Hmm? - Try a mouthful of these.
- Oh, very good.
( Fizzing and crackling ) Oh, by the gods, my mouth! It's possessed by evil pixies! Take it easy.
It's just candy.
Wash it down with something.
( Groaning and gagging ) It is the plague! Chettus has poisoned the emperor! Guards, guards! Take him! Bodacious, what are you doing? No! This is a mistake! It's not the plague! They're pop rocks! - Sire, are you all right? - Mmm, mmm.
It's about time.
- Now get us out of here.
- Me? No can help.
Lisa, one zap special to go.
Don't get me started on that.
Et tu, Chettus? It was that slutty slave girl.
She set me up.
Enough lies! I thought we were friends, Chettus.
An emperor doesn't make very many friends, you know.
You think it's easy for me to make friends? But you and me, we're buds.
I believe you, Chettus.
I believe you are my friend.
And friends don't kill friends, right? Actually, it's quite common in Rome.
I had to poison my own father to get this job.
Centurion, read the prisoners their sentences.
"Lisa Curvaceous, Gary Scrawnius and Wyatt Donnely "the penalty for selling counterfeit magic beans death.
" "Chettus Maximus, the penalty for attempting - to assassinate the emperor" - Come on, community service.
"Slow death.
" Damn.
Ya! Ya! Whoa! Whoa! Easy.
Countrymen! Chettus Maximus has attempted to assassinate your beloved emperor.
Only by the indomitable strength of my mighty warrior's heart was I able to withstand his poison.
They were pop rocks, for crying out loud! Nice try, Chettus.
Let's get ready to rumble.
Yeah! Ha! ( Yelling ) Run, you scared little chicken.
Run, you bandy-legged little woman.
Run away from me.
Don't kill him yet.
I'm rather enjoying this.
I'm all a-tingle.
Back, prisoner! ( Yells ) Run, little white-legged man.
Run away from me.
Run him down.
Crush him.
Run him down.
I can't watch.
( Engine sputtering ) ( Engine stops ) Drive! Drive! Crush him, you sodden bit of Clay.
- Drive this stupid thing.
- We cannot, my liege.
Oh! Very well.
I suppose we'll have to do this the old-fashioned way.
Release the lions.
I don't know if that's a good idea Do not question, my orders! Unleash the lions! Yes, my lord.
Unleash the lions.
( Growling ) ( Crowd yelling ) ( Meows ) - ( Crowd laughs ) - ( Cub meows ) Oh! Cute baby lion.
What is this? Where are my flesh-rending maneaters? They had a full plate of jaywalkers this morning.
We're trying to train the young ones, help them develop a taste for it.
Oh, this day.
I suppose we'll just have to disembowel him.
Yes, disembowel him! LISA: Wait.
Why have the others do your killing? Are you not a mighty warrior? You boast of crushing the spines of your enemies with your bare hands.
Well, I-I I don't crush them so much as just sort of misalign them a bit.
Why not smite this peon with one blow of your sword? Face him in a fair fight.
Smite him! Smite him! Lisa, hello? I don't think this is really helping.
Well, I certainly could kill this rapscallion myself.
Uh excuse me.
You didn't let me finish.
I was going to say whereas I certainly could kill Chettus myself I have decided to show mercy instead and spare his life.
That's okay.
I'll fight you.
- ( Crowd yells ) - Not necessary.
Quite quite unnecessary.
It's spoken like a true warrior, though.
True warrior, like myself.
But lucky for you, you strange, strange little man.
I just don't have the bloodlust boiling in my veins this afternoon.
- I grant Chettus his freedom! - ( Cheering ) The day's the day's festivities are far from over.
We will continue with the execution of the magic bean felons.
- Release the jackals.
- ( Gasps ) The lions ate them, sire.
Well, in that case, I sentence them To Community service.
( Crowd cheering ) Hey.
Good thing Chett's jeep battery had enough juice to zap us back.
I just hope we managed to get history back on track.
Gentlemen, I'm glad to see you decided to join in the spirit of history week.
But "swords and sandals: a celebration of ancient Rome" was yesterday.
Was yesterday.
Captioned by Grant Brown