Weird Science s05e18 Episode Script


Welcome, students and faculty to Farber High School's Groundhog Day Gala.
It warms my cockles to see all the school clubs pitching in to make this day a success.
I hate you.
Your crappy costume is shedding fur all over my groundhog-shaped raspberry tortes.
Oh, bite me! No one wants your rotten cookies.
- They're tortes! - Whatever! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What's going on around here? Did somebody draw up a hate bomb? - We're high schoolers.
- We can't drink.
We're too young to have sex.
Hate's all we have.
I don't know about you guys but, I do not want to live - in a world full of hate.
- Don't sweat it, Lis it's just good-natured rivalry between high school clubs.
Wyatt and I get along even though I'm in the super-cool photography club and he's in this lame, geek-infested model club.
Hey, it is the diorama club.
Modern figures set in naturalistic foregrounds and then blended into painted backgrounds - like miniature worlds.
- Made by miniature brains.
- Everybody hates them.
- No everybody hates you.
That's it.
There are bad vibes floating around this place.
Looks like it's up to the genie to show the humans how to behave.
Time to erase the hate.
Come on, little fellow.
Time to come out of your house and see your shadow.
Okay, folks, let's put 'em together for Farber Phil.
- Nature's own prognosticator.
- [ crowd cheering ] Oh, God, you're a method groundhog this year.
Well, it's offical, Farber Phil has seen his shadow and we all know that means six more weeks or Great Caesar's Ghost! What's going on here? - Lisa, should we worry? - Relax.
I brought them here to teach you how to get along with each other.
Their species has never been involved in any wars.
They're the most peaceful alien race in the known universe.
Diorama! Send those bastards back to where they came from.
Got you.
Damn force field.
Not the tortes! I told you the end was coming.
But did anybody listen to me? No! Who's got the last laugh now? Oh, you're bleeding.
Come here.
It'll be okay, Pookie.
- "Pookie"?! - What? - You called Wyatt Pookie.
- No, I said "Wyatt.
" Yeah, "Wyatt," that's what I heard.
I could see how you'd get that mixed up.
Wallace, Mr.
Donnelly-- Come in here, it's safe.
What happened out there anyway? - You said they were peaceful aliens.
- I don't know.
I better check facts.
I need my computer.
Mother, jugs and speed, she's one of them.
Computer, identify the attacking alien race.
- She's going to melt my face off.
- Don't worry, - She's not an alien.
- She's with us.
She's a magic genie.
It's time we came clean, Gary, with everybody.
You may have all wondered how Gary and I, social outcasts and misfits for years managed to achieve basic social skills, clear skin and the occasional date with a cheerleader.
Well, it's because one night my computer, a lightning storm and the universe, or God, or somebody created for us this magical being able to control time and space - and grant us our every wish.
- So, there is no reason to be afraid.
In fact, uh, if there's anything you'd like to know I'll open the floor up to questions.
- Yes? - Uh, so how come you're not richest man in the world living on an island with Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell? Uh - We, uh, never really wished for that.
- Oh, so, what did you wish for? I, uh, I wished to be president of the chess club once.
It didn't work out.
Can your so-called magic genie save us from this alien invasion? - Lis? - Well, it's not good.
In fact, it can be worse.
Turns out the reason the aliens have never been involved in any wars is that they're such all-powerful space bad-asses that no one's ever wanted to challenge them which, by the way, would be futile.
I'll save you, Wyatt.
The marines have landed.
All right, you slimy, laser-blasting freaks let's see how well you aim with a windshield full of ditch boy hemoglobin-red.
You aim like little girls! The aliens our using our homeroom clocks against us.
At 3:00, when the final bell rings The final bell rings.
Well, we all heard the magic genie.
- I'll go negotiate the terms of surrender.
- Surrender? That is just the kind of sniveling, cowardly decision I'd expect from you, Ass-istant Principal Scampi.
- That's Principal Scampi now.
- Then act like it.
But we cannot win.
They have every advantage.
They know everything about us and we know nothing about them.
Well, what about freezer 51? Yeah, you people have had an alien since the mid-'80s.
We've covered it up.
Well, I'm afraid you've fallen victim to a bit of urban lore there, young man.
Freezer 51 does not exist.
That's, uh that's not entirely true, sir.
When I see this we've had an alien carcass in our school cafeteria for 15 years? Why wasn't I informed of it until now? Uh, two words, sir: health board.
If they knew that we were storing dead aliens right alongside the tater dots we'd be in serious trouble.
- I see.
- Yeah.
You had to be able to deny any prior knowledge.
Well, it appears our extraterrestrial friend here is a lot like us-- breathes oxygen, requires food and is sensitive to heat and cold.
- How can you tell that? - It's got a nose there's half-eaten tater dots everywhere and his raspberries are pert.
- How does that help us? - It means if we can get to them, we can hurt 'em but outside of that all - we got is a dead alien on our hands.
- Dead alien.
Hmm GARY: Damn it, Wy, I've seen that look before.
I've got an idea.
Everybody come with me.
He's so smart.
WYATT: Everyone we got a one-in-a-million shot of surviving here but we must do the one thing we couldn't do before-- cooperate.
By using the frozen alien as a guideline we'll make a realistic costume and then, some brave volunteer can pass himself off as an alien infiltrate their spaceship and destroy them - before they destroy us.
- [ cheering ] [ microphone feedback ] Students we're about to try and pull off the biggest roll of the dice in the history of Farber.
Farber that word should have new meaning for us all today.
We have put aside our petty differences and united in a common goal.
And perhaps it's fate that today is Groundhog Day and that we are fighting to come out from beneath the wintry shadow of alien oppression.
And should we win the day Groundhog Day will no longer be known only as a Farber holiday but as a day when the entire school district said in one voice, "We're going to live on! "We're going to survive! Today, we celebrate Groundhog Day!" [ cheering ] Well, it looks pretty good but who are we going to convince to get into that monkey suit? - Do we have any volunteers? - Preferably someone without a family.
- A chance to be a hero.
- More like a suicide mission.
You know, you're not helping.
- Anyone? - [ negative murmurs ] All right.
- I'll do it myself.
- No! No, you can't.
I won't let you.
- Oh, be brave, little one.
- Somebody has to go.
It's dangerous.
You could get killed? Send Gary.
What's going on? You've been acting weird ever since the alien came.
- Nothing's going on.
- No.
No, wait, Lis.
I want to tell him.
I can't live this lie anymore.
I knew it! You knew Lisa and I decided to start dating? Uh sorry, I was thinking about something else.
- You mean, you two have been-- - Yeah.
- Ain't that a kick in the head? - Suddenly, it all seemed to make sense.
Nothing makes sense in this crazy world anymore.
[ chuckles ] What about us? I thought we had it going on.
Serves you right for all those years you were mean to Wyatt.
Mean to Wyatt? I always treated him with the utmost respect.
Get out! Dog grooming hour's over.
Snank weed.
Hooker butt.
Butt breath.
Skank wad.
Cheese bag.
Butt cramp.
I guess you got me.
Someone's taken the costume? [ crowd murmuring ] Gary.
Mmm, man, this thing's riding up on me big time.
Gary, don't do it! I have to.
It's my turn to be the hero.
Besides, fighting the aliens and saving the planet is my only chance of getting some nookie.
Isn't that right, ladies? Eh? You mean I'm doing this for nothing? Hell with this.
I'm coming in.
[ screaming ] LISA: Oh, my God! [ screaming ]: No! Five minutes until the final bell.
The final bell will blow us all into oblivion.
Well, that's it! I'm calling the authorities.
Scampi! Scampi! Scampi! Chester? [ Darth Vader-like breathing ] You should not have returned.
- Let's get you out of here.
- Don't.
I'm afraid it's too late for me.
I've died.
Go save yourself.
Grow into the man I know you can become.
Yeah! You sound like my father.
That's because I am your father, Chester.
You're delirious.
Search your feelings.
You know it to be true.
Your mother and I were passion's victims before she ever met Wayne Donnelly.
Holy monkeys! I'm a bastard.
Holy monkeys, indeed.
That's why you were always there to ride me when I screwed up.
I did what I could from Afar.
And now, please Take off my mask.
[ air pressing hiss ] [ coughing ] And now, my toupee.
[ coughs ] You wear a rug? I want you to see me for who I really am.
- Father? - Yes.
Oh, yeah, one last thing: you have a a sister.
It's Lisa, isn't it? That's why things never worked out.
- We're related.
- No.
Her name is Gladys and she lives in Pacoima.
[ grunts ] No.
No, no, no.
Papa! [ sobbing ] [ crying and wailing ] I'm sorry I've doomed your planet and got Gary vaporized.
Are you mad, Pookie? Nah.
At least we'll die together a couple.
Uh, you know? I've been thinking about this whole "couple thing" and I don't think it's going to work out.
What?! You are breaking up with me now? Y-you couldn't have waited one more minute and let me die a happy man? Well, we said our relationship should be based on honestly.
I'm sorry.
Hug? [ bell rings ] The tension's unbearable.
Why can't they just blast us and get it over with? They're probably just charging their weapons.
Don't let go.
Gary! You're alive! - W-what happened? - They assimilated me.
- You mean, y'you're half alien? - Yeah.
But more importantly they're half me.
You see, the reason they were so nasty is because they didn't have a sense of humor.
But now they're hilarious.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Cantaloupe.
- Cantaloupe who? Can't elope without a girl.
[ giggling ] What? Okay, so I started them out small.
[ giggles ] Uh look, man, I-I'm sorry about the whole you know.
Don't sweat it, man.
I just saved the world and I got me a lady friend.
- Oh.
- You got a date on the alien ship? Oh, not just a date.
- Meet the wife.
- [ gasps ] Her name is Tetrahydrozoline.
Um Gary a-are you sure about this? I mean [ whispering ]: She is an alien.
I've never been more sure about anything in my entire life.
Go ahead.
Shake her hand.
Um Hi.
I'm [ groaning ] Oh-oh-oh.
Ooh-ooh-ooh! He-he-he! Ooh Mama! - [ sighs ] - And that's just a handshake, Buddy 'O Mine.
[ slurping ] I'm going to miss you, Pops Don't worry.
You won't be forgotten.
Your legacy will live.
"Ass-istant Principal Scampi.
" That's "Guardian Angel Scampi" now.
Don't slouch, Chester.
# Way out in space # # We have some special friends # # They tried to blow our world to hell # # But now they're sorry # # You can tell # # They love us from the bottom of their 14-chambered hearts # # Come on, lemme hear ya # # Erase the hate # # Erase the hate # # Let's save the universe # # Let's save the universe # # We'll put an end # # To all experiments on humans # # End experiments # # There's peace across the globe # # We've put away the probe # # It's a close encounter of the loving kind # # Let the planets of the universe # # Take up our call # # Do they know it's Groundhog Day at all? # Captioned bu Grantman Brown