Welcome to Flatch (2022) s02e01 Episode Script

1
Hey, haven't seen you guys in month.
Welcome back.
Yeah, we're having our end
of summer town yard sale.
Sales have been quite robust.
I saw it first.
It's my birdbath!
You know you fighting
over a used bidet, right?
'Cause that's a big old badonk.
It's my badonk!
No, it's mine!
Hey, stop playing with
the kitchen gadgets!
Anyway, the town is busier than ever.
Thank goodness it's not bigger, though.
I don't think we could
handle any more excitement.
Woo-hoo, Flatch! Get ready for Barb.
Hold on, camera lady.
I'm feeling a celebratory
donut coming on.
Yeah, Flatch!
So here's what's new
I got my wisdom tooth taken out.
I actually feel smarter than before.
Yeah, and and my
gap year from art school
is literally crazy perfect.
For starters, Nan went to
Mexico for a medical vacation
to get her hips replaced,
and she ended up just
loving that tequila
and her new hip so much that
she just decided to stay.
So basically, this house is up for sale,
and no one is calling, probably
because the phone number's
like a billion digits long.
So I basically get the
whole place to myself.
It's my very own crash crib.
Calling it the Shrub Hub.
Members only.
I'm living the gap year dream.
And I'm getting paid for my art.
So literally suck it, school.
Also, been hanging out
with Beth, like, a ton.
So do you want a Mickey
two, three, or four?
I mean, yeah, she's
technically with Mickey, but
Four.
not for long, let's put it that way.
That's a good one.
But yeah, she's going to fall
towards me and away from Mickey, so
Dude!
I found your nan's box of party hats!
Dude, yeah!
Gap year on fuego!
Oh!
Well, here I am,
back in my old hometown.
Ah, I haven't been here for eons.
I been living in Pompano Beach, Florida,
AKA "the Pomp." Ha.
But recently, some things
have changed in Barb's life.
You know, I thought it would
be a great opportunity
to have a little adventure.
Oops. Did I do that? Ha!
I was a pretty big deal
back in the day
Flatch royalty and all.
I just hope I don't
draw too much attention.
Come on!
So, big news
Cheryl has been living
with me at my house.
It's going really well!
This relaxed, semi-rural life
is really growing on me.
You know, I'm trying to be more organic.
I make my own deodorant. Hmm.
And it really works.
And Cheryl's been raising chickens.
And they have definitely
been keeping her busy.
And I am making my own beer.
I'm not sure why it's green, though.
It's a work in progress.
So yeah, since you
guys left, I had a baby.
Psych! No, can you imagine?
That makes me sick to think about.
Uh, this is my half-sis, Ashlynn.
My dad's been having me
watch her a bunch.
He has his hands full
with his girlfriend Jessie.
She's super high maintenance.
She, like, puts limes in her water.
It's like, pick a snack
or a drink if you want one.
I'm teaching her the ways
of the world, you know?
My dad wasn't really
around for me growing up,
so same goes for her.
Falls on me to be her mentor.
Kelly is 100% over-identifying
with that baby.
Shrub, come on! Push us.
Please don't film me. Seriously.
- Hi.
- Oh, my God, Nadine,
you have to get that
looked at by a doctor.
Oh! Hah hah! It's a baby, idiot.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear
you're having a baby idiot.
Oh! You just got Shrubbed.
Look, I'm here on official
Historical Society business,
Shrub.
Oh, who's Shrub? I'm not Shrub.
Oh, my gosh, just let me in move!
I need the Flatch cane.
Now that your nan has moved,
we need to pass it on
to the next oldest person in town.
- A cane parade!
- A cane parade!
Yes! Dude, party!
The Flatch cane is a tradition we've had
for hundreds of years.
The oldest person in town
is the keeper of the cane.
And when they move on to eternal rest,
or Acapulco,
we have a parade to take it to
the next oldest person in town.
Now, the cane is going to
Old Lady Flatch.
I invited her daughter Barbara
to come be part of the ceremony.
Can you imagine if she comes?
Two Flatches in Flatch.
I have to control my excitement
so I don't go into early labor.
I do not need a Virgo in my life.
We haven't had a cane parade in forever.
- Yeah.
- Everyone dresses up
- their cars.
- It's like a whole tailgate.
And guess who gets to lead
the whole parade this year?
Basically the youngest
member of the family
passes the cane
and has to make a speech.
Mickey's done it like four times.
Yeah, well, obviously I'm gonna
be way better than Mickey on that.
Totally.
It's actually gonna be perfect,
because I'm gonna use the speech
to express my love for Beth
in front of literally everyone in town,
and she's going to fall
hard for me all over again.
Chickens are so much fun.
I started with three,
but it's time to expand my brood.
So I ordered a bunch of
chicks from this place
called chicks2you.com.
It's literally baby chicks
that come to the post office.
Oh, uh, but don't go to chicks2you.net.
That's something entirely
different, very illegal.
Anyway, so, um, yeah,
now Joe has his flock, and I have mine.
Oh, my God, it's a chicken joke.
- I didn't even know.
- Ha ha ha ha!
Chickens on the mind.
Mmm.
Borrowed my dad's truck
for the Cane Train.
Course, he's too busy to
actually be in the parade.
That's why me and my BFF
Baby Friend Forever
Are hanging, per "yush."
And I have been working
on my killer speech.
What you got so far?
- Not sharing.
- You got nothing.
No, that is no.
I have nothing.
Beth's gonna see me crumble.
What rhymes with "cane"?
Nothing. It's insane.
I saw the funniest cat video.
- Check this out.
- Okay, so
you want the good news or the bad news?
I guess good.
The town selectmen chose you for a
big, important role in the cane parade.
That's exciting!
Am I in the front, leading my flock?
Negatory. You're the caboose.
You gotta ride in the back and make sure
nothing big gets left in the road.
It's kind of like a booby prize.
So really, none of this is good news.
Nope.
Delivering the cane to Mrs.
Flatch is a big responsability.
You want chaos?
You let Kelly and Shrub lead the parade.
That's why I'm taking over
as traffic warden
and unofficial parade marshal.
I got a personal investment
in this thing running smoothly.
My meemaw was all set to get
the cane, like, 100 years ago,
and then some dude's wheel
fell off his horse wagon
Stopped the parade dead.
And then by the time they got
to meemaw, she was dead, too.
Never again!
Not on my watch.
All right, everyone line up
right in front of Father Joe,
way back there.
He's the caboose.
I should be leading my congregation,
not bringing up the rear.
Babe, the caboose is still
a very special role.
You're the closer.
It's the booby prize.
I'm the ca-boob.
Anybody have eyes on Shrub or the cane?
Specifically the cane. I really
don't care about Shrub, actually.
Anybody seen 'em? Anybody?
Hey, Kel, Kel, come on, let's go.
- We're gonna be late.
- I literally can't.
- I still have the baby.
- What?
And my dad was supposed to pick her up,
like, an hour ago.
- What?
- He's not picking up.
She's out of diapers.
Just leave her on the couch, dude.
There's the there's that
weird stain already there.
- Are you insane?
- Dude, you are not
ruining this for me, okay?
This is the peak
of my gap year
Bring her with us, or don't.
I don't care let's go!
Let's do this.
Hang on, baby girl.
Whoa!
Puhhh! I'm coming, Beth!
Here we are, my mom's
home Shady Acres.
God, more like Shoddy Acres.
Look at that janky-ass roof.
It's terrible.
Oh, my God! Ah!
How are these not in
the handicapped spot?
I mean, this is just
Oh, hello!
More cameras.
Hi. Um
I am Barb Flatch Feliciano,
soon to be
Barb Flatch again.
I'm sure you are probably
surprised to see me.
I mean, I bet everybody's
probably gonna be surprised to see me.
#LocalCeleb. Ha.
Trying to keep a low profile, though.
Just make sure you,
you know, get my good side.
Who am I kidding?
All of Barb's sides are good.
Barbie, is that you?
It is, Mom! Hey!
Oh, my God, are you so excited?
She's excited.
My wigs?
Oh, they're just a form
of self-expression,
you know, like hair theater.
I mean, real estate is
all just make believe, too.
You gotta sell people on a dream, right?
Back in Pompano Beach,
we were house flipper extraordinaires
Top 22% sellers in the
Greater Lauderdale market.
See? That's me.
Then Burt flipped me
for a girl named Renee
who sells timeshares.
So you drove Burt away, huh?
Let's just concentrate
on getting you that cane.
I don't want the cane.
It's a curse.
You get the cane, and then you die.
I don't want their damn cursed cane.
People, we have arrived, okay?
Cane King is here. Do not fret.
- Follow us!
- Hey, bro.
- Looking good.
- Yeah, I like your cape.
Oh, my God, you do? Thank you.
Yeah, I made it myself.
It started off as a flag, to be honest.
But it looked so good
that I just had to wear it.
Hey, are you nervous for your speech?
- No.
- That's good.
Because remember in
fourth grade when you gave
that book report on "Beezus
and Ramona," and you threw up?
No, I
Really, it was, like, a big deal.
You started crying and got the hiccups.
I said I don't remember, dude.
I'm not a nerd.
Mickey, move it or lose it.
Well, I am looking forward
to your wise words.
And you got the Mickey number three.
He got the Mickey number three!
That's a classic.
Hey, we gonna chitchat,
or are we gonna hand over a cane?
- Yeah.
- Everybody, follow me.
Wait, no, no. I thought I
thought, like, we were in the front.
Uh, do you have the bullhorn?
No, you don't.
- Like
- Move out!
Move out!
Wahoo!
This sucks.
I'm sure our dad didn't
mean to forget about you.
But I mean, yeah, kind of his thing.
One time, he left me at a Dairy Queen
for, like, an hour on accident.
Joke's on him, though, because
everyone felt so bad for me,
they kept buying me Dilly Bars.
Also, he's been super busy
trying to make your mom happy.
Like, no offense, but she's a lot.
I give them like a month
before they split.
Truthfully, I don't think
he can commit to anyone
You, me, my mom, your mom, the dentist.
Hey, Ron.
No, don't worry, okay?
Ashlynn, he left my mom, and look at me.
I'm fabulous.
Dude, what the hell?
Is that coming from you?
You heard when I said
we're out of diapers, right?
Oh, my gosh, the chicks are in?
They weren't supposed
to come till tomorrow.
We have to go to the post office.
I have my super important
caboose job, babe.
I'm not kidding. It is hot out.
They could die in their cute little box.
We can't roast those chickens, Joe.
- Okay.
- Go.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Go!
- Go, go, go
- We're going!
Hey, stay in line!
Cheryl has to get her babies.
Cheryl's having a baby. Let 'em through.
Lady in labor!
Sorry.
Don't apologize, it wastes time!
- You're right. I'm sorry.
- It wastes time!
I'm sorry. We're coming, babies!
You can make it.
You got this, okay?
Think about happy things,
like a puppy riding a Roomba.
You love that video.
Ashlynn's having a meltdown.
She has, like, a pound
of crap in her pants.
Dude, well, tell her to suck it up.
I don't know what to tell you.
If she sucks up all that
poop into her body, she'll die!
- God. Well
- Okay, we're doing a quick
- pit stop at Jessie's house.
- No!
- I have to get a fresh diaper.
- No! No!
No! Don't turn!
Don't turn, dude!
What are you doing?
I don't know what to do!
Nothing but chaos.
Okay, okay, nobody panic.
I still have the cane.
Just need to make a pit stop real quick.
Come on, Ashy. Let me get you out.
Oh, here they come.
That is one hell of a sad parade.
Barbie Flatch?
Little Mandy?
I haven't seen you
since I supervised your tent
at the Girl Scout camp,
and you tied me to my bunk.
Oh, man, good memories.
You were a little bossy pants.
It's Big Mandy now, and I'm
still the boss of my pants
Who gets in 'em, and who
gets shut out of 'em.
Anyways, we ain't got time for chitchat.
As I predicted, the parade
went all off course.
And I'm not letting it get worse,
so I got to take your mom
to the new location, stat.
Let's go.
Just give it to someone else.
No.
She died?
Not another meemaw.
No, no, she's alive.
She just doesn't want
to accept the cane.
That's crazy.
All right, look,
just tell me where it is,
- and I'll go get it for her.
- It's faster if I show you.
Come on, hop on. Oh, wear this.
Hop on and hold on.
Where you put your hands
is dealer's choice.
Hey, Kel, what's with
the party down here?
You were supposed to pick
up Ashlynn two hours ago, okay?
She needs a fresh diaper
and a dad that won't
- leave her at Dairy Queen.
- Okay, chill, chill, chill.
I just got busy with something
kind of important, okay?
Just hold on to her for two
more minutes, all right?
- Just yeah.
- Are you serious? Dad
Just a few more minutes, okay?
What the hell is happening?
What are we doing here?
If Barbara Flatch comes, she's never
going to be able to find us.
It's like you're making a mockery
of a revered town tradition.
Oh, no. No, no, no, um
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Excuse me! Beth.
Oh, and and everyone as well.
I still need to get my speech.
If you could come back here,
that would be great.
Hope my being here doesn't steal focus.
Hey. What's going on? Barb Flatch.
Okay.
You left the AC on in the car, right?
- Yep.
- Okay.
Do you think they're hungry?
Maybe you could chew up a pretzel
and spit it into their mouths.
Oh.
Babe, joke.
Duh!
Hey, ticktock. Eyes over here, people.
Hello, hi. Welcome to my speech.
Um well, it's a start.
Nan is totally still alive.
Thank God, seriously.
My gap year is going
literally amazing, Beth.
My art is, like, getting better.
I'm getting better, like, as a person.
Stronger way stronger than
Mickey, I'll tell you that.
I'm doing literally ab work
every single day
and I'm getting swole
and just living my best life.
Um
Look, guys, everyone
has to live out their dream
before they pass over their cane,
AKA die, right?
Like, you can't wait, people.
Like, be like Cheryl.
Like, have that baby.
Oh, no, I'm not
Nan dreamt of walking normal.
But you can train yourself into
literally anything you want
Like getting back with the
most perfect girl in Flatch.
Ha. Shoot, you make me smile.
Carpe diem, people.
Carpe diem, which is an ancient saying
that means seize your carpets,
which loosely translates
to follow your dreams.
So do yourselves a favor and live out
your dream gap year every day.
You just got Shrubbed, all of you.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh.
- Yeah, hi.
- Who are you?
Hi, I am Barb Flatch. I'm here. It's me.
- Hi.
- Barbara Flatch!
Barbara Flatch.
That's Barbara Flatch, you guys.
I am so excited.
I see so many familiar faces right now.
This is crazy.
And I just want to say
I accept this cane.
And though I'll make mistakes ♪
I'll never break your heart ♪
And I swear by the moon ♪
And the stars in the sky ♪
- I'll be there ♪
- Bobby?
- What are you doing?
- Kelly, take this.
I swear ♪
Like the shadow
that's by your side ♪
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Yes!
Thanks for taking care of her, Kel,
while I was planning all of this.
I wasn't expecting the crowd,
but the more the merrier.
Anybody got beer down there? Beer?
Come on!
Where are my girls? Where are my girls?
I swear ♪
Where are the babies?
Oh, they're in the car.
But don't worry, I left the AC on.
Ooh!
I liked your speech.
Hi. Well, thank you.
Your necklace is awesome.
Oh, thanks. Yeah, I made it myself.
Do you want to hopscotch later?
Uh, totally.
Okay.
So, yeah, killed it at the cane parade.
Pretty much blew Beth's mind.
Guess who's babysitting Ashlynn later?
Moi, per yush.
When that marriage crashes and burns,
she's going to need me more than ever.
Nothing changes here in good old Flatch.
Mm, the new lady's kind of hot, though.
And weird.
Yeah.
Cheryl and I are not pregnant.
Gonna have to return that Pack 'n' Play
and used breast pump
somebody dropped off for us.
But I think that Cheryl and I
are gonna make great parents one day.
I mean, we're already
co-parenting chickens.
And you know, if people don't
always want to follow me,
that's okay.
You can't always wait for
people to flock to ya.
Sometimes you just
have to flock yourself.
That weird kid's speech about
carpe diem really stuck with me.
I mean, it's never too late to
start a second chapter, am I right?
Hey, carpe diem kid.
Hey, Barb Flatch.
I just bought this house,
so I need you to move out by next week.