Welcome to Flatch (2022) s02e13 Episode Script

1
- [COW MOOS]
- Careful.
Watch your step. Keep your eyes closed.
So I was looking at my paycheck,
and I noticed that under job title,
it just says "Kelly."
I think I deserve a promotion
to really any title whatsoever.
You're gonna freak
when you see what I made.
Open your eyes.
"Butter dudes churn here."
Wow.
I know, right? Thank you.
This way, when the butter
museum guys get here,
they'll know exactly where to go.
Y-yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT] Um, listen, Kelly.
This weekend, I'm gonna have
to fly solo.
Yeah, 'cause I have so much experience,
you know, closing deals like this.
- You understand.
- Obviously.
- Dumb field trip.
- No.
Here, let me carry you back.
[GRUNTS] Okay. Oh.
- Wouldn't want you to fall.
- Yeah.
- I got you.
- Thank you.
- It's hard to walk in the
- I know.
- Grass in these things.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- No, no! Ow!
[BLEEP].
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
All younger, better-looking people
in the front, please.
Under-eye cream is not a time machine.
Oh, my God, are you kidding?
Okay, so we've got 24 hours
to get the butter guys
to pick Flatch for their museum.
And I can't leave anything up to chance,
so I am taking care
of everything myself.
I've got my buttery outfit,
packed itinerary,
even moved up the Blessing of the Cows
so I could showcase our dairy supply.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, they're gonna put
a damn butter bust of me up
in their museum when I'm done with them.
Eagle eyes, Kelly.
I need to know the second
you hear anything
or see anything. Over.
Aye, aye, Barb. On it. Over.
I was a little bummed when I
was sidelined from the project.
It did hurt, you know?
But then I realized something.
I know Barb really well.
She's testing me.
So I headed to the one place
we go for tests:
the library.
I found a book,
"The Art of War in the Workplace."
Now, this guy, he said
never ask for a promotion.
That's rude.
You have to swoop in and prove yourself
when your boss needs you the most.
He also taught me
a couple other cool things.
"Try cutting down
"to three cocktails at lunch,
and be kind to the steno pool."
Duh.
Hey, Barb, is there anything
I could do to help?
- Thank you.
- You know, maybe lead a prayer
- or
- Nope, everything's good.
Here. Put this on.
- Come on.
- Butter!
[LAUGHS] Butter!
Probably shouldn't wear this
to the Blessing of the Cows.
- Why?
- Seems disrespectful
to the cows and kinda me.
No. Looks great.
And I already have Mandy
handling the cows, so
What? She doesn't have
any religious powers.
Yeah, uh, I'm guessin'
the cows won't notice that.
Okay, people. [CLAPPING]
Let's get it together.
They're almost here.
Seems like nobody needs me
around here anymore.
Does this hat
at least make me look cool?
- Barb! [PANTING]
- Oh!
Batteries died. They're here.
- Oh, my God.
- I need water.
- Okay, okay.
- Go, go.
Places, everybody! [CLAPPING] Places!
[NOTE PLAYS]
Five, six, seven, eight.
Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
Why don't you build in Flatch ♪
- Build in Flatch ♪
- Butter guys, baby ♪
- We're the only town ♪
- Only town ♪
- To churn it around ♪
- We got dairy dreams ♪
Dairy dreams ♪
Build a museum full of butter art ♪
Butter art ♪
And that's just the start ♪
- We need you ♪
- We need you ♪
More than anyone, baby ♪
We're melting for you, that's no lie ♪
- So build in Flatch ♪
- Build in Flatch ♪
Butter guys, don't make us cry ♪
Don't make us cry ♪
[HORN HONKS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Welcome to Flatch!
- Welcome to Flatch!
Welcome to the best Airbnb in Flatch.
So here are your itineraries.
First thing up for tomorrow
is gonna be the Blessing of the Cows,
followed by lunch at Harvey's Tavern.
- Now, in the fridge
- Oh, jeez!
- [CHICKEN CLUCKING]
- Oh, get back here!
Oh, hi. Um, sorry.
I'm Cheryl. This is Emily.
We live in the back room,
where we will stay.
[WHISPERING] Barb said I could stay
while the butter guys are here
as long as we are silent
and stay in our room.
It's fine.
I'm only going slightly stir-crazy.
Shh. Shh.
Well, she is very cute.
Good to meet you, Emily.
And nice to meet you too, Cheryl.
Oh, um, well, you have
excellent taste in chickens.
Okay. Thanks, great.
Back to the coop. [AWKWARD LAUGHTER]
- We're going.
- Okay.
- Bye-bye.
- Okay.
The E stands for "enough," right?
E means "empty."
Yeah, duh. I was it was a joke.
Maybe I should come with you.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Thank you, though.
My alter ego, Daniel Stewart,
has been taking acting classes
from my dad.
But unfortunately
they're ending very soon,
and since I just got
my license, I thought,
hey, might as well drive down
to Louisville
and tell him the truth in person,
because if you can't break up
with someone over text,
you definitely can't tell someone
you're secretly their son over Zoom
during a group acting class.
It's just it's common decency.
Oh!
Big boy with a license. You joyridin'?
Actually, Kel, I'm, uh
I'm going to Louisville
to meet my dad, tell him
I'm his son, so yeah.
You got this.
Thanks, Kel, and you got this, dude.
Bring home the butter, baby.
I'm gonna try.
- [ENGINE TURNING OVER]
- Wish me luck.
- Okay.
- Whoa!
Parking brake's still on.
I don't know what that is,
but all right.
We're sure he passed?
- 'Cause he no, no!
- Oh, no.
Should be an interesting drive.
- [TIRES SCREECHING]
- Ay.
- Jobo.
- Yeah?
I've been reading. Ready?
"Most business deals are closed
in one of two places:
strip clubs or the links."
See where I'm headed?
No, I need much more context.
Okay, so I'm trying to help close a deal
with the butter guys, right?
And Flatch doesn't have
a strip club, which sucks,
but we have golf.
But I don't really know how to golf,
so I need you to take me and
the butter bros golfing tomorrow.
Did you just say that you need me?
Not with that desperate look
in my eye, but yeah.
I'm gonna go shine my balls.
Whoo.
Whatever it takes.
So as soon as I get to my dad's house,
he's literally pulling out the driveway
and starts driving away,
so I follow him here,
but I can't find him, so
Oh.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Mr. Stewart.
Oh, hey, Lloyd. The heck?
I did not know you were
a friend of Bill's.
Uh, great friends.
All right, let's get started.
My name is Angie, and I'm an alcoholic.
GROUP: Hi, Angie.
Hi, Angie.
I don't know who Bill is,
but I'm pretty sure he and everyone here
is an alcoholic.
Picked up the butter bros around sunrise
for a round of golf.
They were into it.
That book knows everything.
Mmm, enjoying that jerky?
Isn't this great?
Almost like I thought of everything.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is what you could expect
from Flatch.
Whoa! Got ahold of that one.
I didn't know we were playin'
with a pro.
[LAUGHTER]
Right? Right?
- Real quick.
- Did you see that shot?
[WHISPERING] Yeah, what are you doing?
- What do you mean?
- We need to let them win.
We're trying to close a deal.
Oh, got it.
Hey, guys, that one was out-of-bounds.
I'm gonna hit another one.
- Oh, go ahead.
- Hey, have at it.
You got it!
- Do-over. [LAUGHS]
- Do-over.
You're hilarious.
Aah!
Boy, do I suck!
Just scratch that one, huh?
Scratch.
[LAUGHING] Whoa.
[GRUNTING]
Come on, Joe!
- Oh!
- Oh.
No!
Come on!
I'm not that into touching cows.
I'm a dog person.
But that doesn't mean I can't bless 'em.
Bless. [LAUGHS]
[GOATS BLEATING, DOG BARKING]
What the fresh hell?
I thought I was only handling cows.
It started out as just cows,
but June filed
an animal discrimination suit,
so since then,
it's been much more inclusive.
I'm sorry, but do you want me
to bless a dead-ass bird?
I think Polly's in purgatory, so
[SIGHS] Fine, whatever. I got plans.
Just bless.
- Thank you.
- Take it. God.
Can you bless this?
What is it?
It doesn't matter what it is,
but it really needs to be blessed.
Trust me.
What the hey, man!
[BLEEP]. Why you got that in your house?
Man, what's wrong with you?
Here, go. Bless.
Get the hell outta here.
Bless, just bless. My God.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[GASPS] Hell's bells, Cheryl.
Put on some damn pants.
What are you doin'?
Those butter boys are gonna be up soon.
Oh.
They're up.
They are? Where?
I don't know, but, uh,
I do know where Geoffrey was last night.
Okay, I'm dying to tell someone,
and Mandy's not picking up her phone.
But, um
- I boned Geoffrey.
- What?
I mean, we were both drawn outside
by the seductive hoots
of the horned owl,
and then we bumped into each other,
and then we bumped
into each other again.
And again.
I can't believe I just went
for it, you know?
It feels like
a whole new chapter for me.
Well, I hope you
and your horny owl are happy,
because you just jeopardized
everything I've been
working my ass off for.
God!
Ugh!
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- She needs to get laid.
And while ten years and 52 days
may not get you a chip,
I'm happier than I've ever been.
I have a business that I love,
great friends.
Who knows what's next? Maybe a family.
[APPLAUSE]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- Okay.
That was awesome.
Is there anyone here for the first time
who would like to speak?
Uh
sure, okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hello there. [CLEARS THROAT]
Hi, my name is
Bathroom, I need
to use the bathroom, actually.
[LAUGHS]
Oops.
[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN]
God, it's really nice
gettin' away from the wife and kids.
Oh!
God, you guys are crushing us.
- Yeah.
- So good at golf.
Yeah. We're so, so bad.
So, uh, what can you tell me
about the cute gal
with all the chickens?
- You mean Cheryl?
- Yeah, Cheryl.
Let's just say we didn't get
much sleep last night.
Let's not say it.
- Excuse me.
- Huh?
Oh.
It's in.
Birdie! Next hole, suckers!
Whoo!
That's the pastor, right?
- That's the pastor.
- Oh, okay.
All right, blessed,
blessed, blessed, blessed.
You going to hell.
[LAUGHS] Just kidding.
All right, blessed.
- Hey.
- Blessed.
Um, have you seen Stan and Geoffrey?
Not the human versions, no.
Well, I can't find them,
and I am not panicking
in any way, but I have lost
my clients, okay?
And they can't miss seeing this.
So I need you to buy me some more time
and bless slowly.
It's gonna be great. Have fun.
[SIGHS]
Things I do for this town.
So that's five holes I've won now.
How does that feel, Geoffrey?
- Fine?
- [WHISPERING] Stop it.
Do you know how much is riding on this?
[WHISPERING] I know how much
is riding on Cheryl.
- 170 pounds of dork.
- Get it together, okay?
You're embarrassing me and you,
and we're not even
Look out! [ALL SCREAM]
[ALL GROANING]
- Okay! [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, boy.
Whoo.
Extreme sports!
Oh, my hip. [GROANS]
- You all right?
- No.
You got this, Shrub.
All of your acting training
has led to this.
But I'm not ready.
[EXHALES] Yes, you are.
Don't say that. Don't say that.
Okay, well, what if I mess
up? You're not gonna mess up.
[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
'Sup, everyone?
My name is Daniel, and I'm an alcoholic.
GROUP: Hi, Daniel.
You guys wanna hear my story?
Well, strap in,
'cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Kindergarten was tough.
I would do shots in the morning
just to get out of bed.
I don't need any of you.
[PEOPLE GASP]
I got the bottle.
[WITH DEMONIC VOICE] Go away,
and never come back!
[NORMALLY] My life was coming unraveled.
[BODY THUDS] Spock!
Spock! Spock!
[BLOWING SQUEAKILY]
Come on, you son of a bitch.
Come on, you son of a bitch.
Live, damn it!
And so I looked at myself in the mirror,
and I said, "Shrub Mallet,
that is the last drop
of alcohol you ever have!"
And scene. [LAUGHS]
Did you say Shrub Mallet?
Um
I am your son.
It's me, Dad.
Got the whole town here but
no idea where the butter guys are.
Believe me, I have looked everywhere.
Trust the itinerary.
Everything's gonna be fine.
- It's gonna be great.
- Uh-oh, uh-oh.
- Look who's here.
- Never had a doubt.
- Never had a doubt. Hi, guys!
- Hey.
Um, see you got a little sidetracked.
Oh, well, we were playing winter golf.
- Sounds so fun.
- It was.
[CLEARS THROAT] Would you
excuse us for a second?
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
- Okay, come here.
- What are you doing?
- I was just trying to help.
I don't need your help.
I told you I don't need your help.
I don't want your help
or anybody else's,
and nobody seems to get that
through their head.
I do not need your help.
Sorry, I was the one who got
Stan interested in Flatch.
Do you remember that?
You've just been, like, steamrolling me
the whole time they're here.
Like, you made it sound like
we're a team,
but I don't even have a job title.
I'm just Kelly.
I'll just do whatever you want.
Like, I know that Bert
didn't treat you fair
when you worked together,
but now I feel like the Barb
at this company,
which makes you Bert.
- Kelly, I'm
- No, you're Berting me.
You're Berting me really bad.
- Kelly.
- Don't.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
So you started taking
my class with a fake name
Have not paid for that class yet.
Well, I sent a message
to the Venmo help center.
- It's out of my hands.
- Okay.
I don't know what you want here, man.
I mean, I-I feel pretty duped.
Well, I don't know what I want either.
I just thought that maybe
you were looking for me
or that you might wanna, like,
know me, but
you don't, so whatever.
Shrub.
Your mom and I were very young,
and we weren't plannin' to get pregnant.
And she didn't want me
to have a role in raising you.
Anyway, I-I got, uh, a little
out of control personally,
and by the time I got myself
together, I just
figured you wouldn't wanna meet me.
Well, I do.
Or did.
I'll get out of your hair.
Nice knowin' ya.
Shrub, wait.
Yeah, Dad?
You can't drive on that.
Since when?
Since forever.
Do you have any idea
how to change a tire?
I do not.
No, me neither.
But much like in acting,
you cannot be afraid to fail!
- [LAUGHS]
- Dude, that was awesome.
- I knew it.
- Oh, you're gonna get
- a Grammy for that.
- [LAUGHS]
Hold it. No, no. Oh, oh.
- Three, two.
- Oh!
People, let me tell you
'bout my best friend ♪
He's a warmhearted person ♪
[SCREAMS]
[GROANING]
You little bitch!
Get off!
- Oh! Oh!
- Yes!
Whoo!
My up, my down, my pride and joy ♪
- Oh, oh!
- Oh!
Let me tell you 'bout him,
he's so much fun ♪
Yeah, he's my best friend ♪
La-la, pa-da-da-da-yah ♪
Pa-da-da-da ♪
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Listen, I am so sorry about Kelly.
She's she's very new.
It's fine.
We actually had a lot of fun at golf.
- [LAUGHING] Yeah.
- Oh, really?
And she showed us a site
near the course that might be
the perfect location for the museum.
- We think so.
- [CHUCKLES] We love Flatch.
I mean, it's folksy,
right size, central.
Uh, but one real concern.
- Oh.
- Having the museum here
would be pretty hard to find.
Yeah, that exit came up awfully quick.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, how 'bout
Crazy idea. Hear me out.
We could put a little sign out there
that says, you know,
"Butter Sculpture Museum,
Churn Here."
Wait a minute.
Did you just say "churn here"?
I-I did.
[LAUGHTER]
"Churn." Oh, that is so clever.
Did you come up with this?
I well
no.
Kelly did.
Yeah, I told you that girl gets it.
- Yeah.
- Hey, guys.
Listen, I just
I wanna apologize.
Wait a minute. Are you Joe from A-Men?
Yes, I am.
Geoffrey, we were golfing
with Joe from A-Men.
I knew I knew you from somewhere.
- Well
- You were hiding those tips!
I was a big fan growing up.
- Uh, let's just say
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah, you had a big influence
on the, uh, evolution of a young Stan.
Oh, thank you.
And we had no idea there was a
A celebrity hiding here in Flatch.
Amazing idea. What if Joe here
is the butter brand ambassador
for the museum?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
We do a commercial, a billboard.
I'm likin' this.
Hmm. You need me.
Okay. I'm in.
I will be your butter face.
All right.
Well, then [CLEARS THROAT]
- Attention, everyone!
- Oh, hey.
Attention! Listen up.
I would like to announce
the future location
of the Foster Family
Butter Bust Collection:
right here in Flatch, Ohio!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- What? Oh, my God!
We did it! We did it!
Oh, my God!
I wish Kelly were here for this.
She should be here for this.
Barb.
Cameras.
What?
Kelly, I messed up.
I was so focused on
trying to prove that I could survive
without that son of a bitch Bert
that I became him.
I've had a really hard time
lettin' people in
since the divorce.
Not just men.
Friends.
You.
And you're a really good friend.
But you're an even better
business partner.
[CHUCKLES]
But I don't just wanna tell you that.
I
I wanna show you something.
- What is it?
- Okay, open 'em.
Oh.
Holy [BLEEP]!
I'm an associate!
There are so many people
that I'd like to thank here tonight.
Barb, obviously.
Shrub, you're my best friend.
Um, cameras, thank you for being here.
You're always here,
even when I don't even know.
Aah! There they are.
And for anyone who ever said
I would never amount to anything,
I'd like to invite you
to sit on my face.
For now, let's don't do that
just because I just
made this up overnight,
so the ink's still wet.
I don't care.
Sit on my face and get wet.
Um, no.
Go! [LAUGHTER]
Whoo!
- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, my God.
With this promotion,
I finally have enough money
to manifest my ultimate goal:
I'm gonna float my boat.
[STARSHIP'S "NOTHING'S GONNA
STOP US NOW" PLAYING]
Dude, I am so proud of you.
You're, like,
a real-life working person.
- It's insane.
- Like six months ago,
I didn't even have a boat,
and now we're on my boat.
Makes me wonder, like,
what else I can accomplish.
- Dude, right?
- My potential
actually, like, scares me.
Dude, same, 'cause six months ago,
I didn't even know my dad existed.
And here I am, like, best friends
with my dad, changing tires.
Insane.
- I'm proud of you too.
- Cheers to that.
You think we could do doughnuts
in this bad boy?
- Only one way to find out.
- Mm!
We can build this dream together ♪
Standing strong forever ♪
Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
And if this world runs out of lovers ♪
- BOTH: Whoo!
- [LAUGHS]
We'll still have each other ♪
Nothing's gonna stop us ♪