Welcome to Sweden (2014) s01e07 Episode Script

Homesick - Lagom

1 Hi.
What's the big emergency? Bruce, they are after me.
Amy, they're not after you.
Excuse me, I have a letter here from the IRS that says, "dear Amy poehler, blah blah blah, please be advised that we are now after you.
" Okay, that's doesn't really sound like it's from the IRS, but, uh, my tax scheme is perfectly legal, so I mean, as long as you kept all the documents and records I gave you, you'll be fine.
Oh.
Okay.
I-I need you to come fix this.
How much will it cost? I live in Sweden now and it's amazing.
I even have a new job, as a Swedish money manager for celebrities.
There's such a thing as Swedish celebrities? Okay, $200,000.
It's not about the money, it's just I need you very badly, Bruce.
It will only take a couple of months.
And then you can go back to wearing your viking horns or chasing your reindeer or whatever you people do.
I uh, this is home, I love it here.
Okay, playing hardball.
$300,000.
That is my final deal.
You will take it.
You will come back.
Yes.
Bye.
Aubrey, it's Amy.
We're going to have to go to plan b.
Do your thing.
Get over there and bring him back.
Pepe! Si, miss Amy? I need you to tape all of these pieces together.
Comprende? Yes? Uh One piece, yes? One.
Uno.
Uno piece? Yes? Si.
Vamos.
Pantalones! We're not living in America but we're not sorry I knew there was something That we never had We don't worry no, we're not living in America But we're not sorry, no We don't care about the world today We're not sorry for ahh so, Swedish celebrity money manager? When did this idea come up? Uh, just now.
I had to say something to her.
I think it's a great idea.
You do? Yeah.
It just doesn't sound very Swedish to me.
Is that blood pudding and caviar on your sandwich? Yep.
Why are you eating that? This is what you guys eat.
No, I would never eat that.
No, no, no, no.
Thanks.
Do you want a donut instead? A donut for breakfast? Mm-hmm.
No.
You know how fattening these things are? It's like, so many calories and it's just It's like a rock in your stomach when you eat those.
Honey, are you okay? Yeah.
Huh? I'm good.
Where are you going? I'm going for a walk.
Now? Yeah.
I bought some walking sticks.
Yes, you did.
Yep.
Are you going to wear pants for your walk? That's right, pants.
You know what, babe? I love the idea of you being a Swedish money manager.
Nah Why not? I mean, you're the best money manager in the world! I'm not the best in the world, I'm just okay.
Yes, you are! I can set up a meeting for you with a Swedish celebrity.
You know Swedish celebrities? Yeah! It's a small country.
We all know each other.
To live is to swim for the shore, I to the shore, you in the ocean, we and every pregnant woman carries two hearts distracts in a temper my stories are migratory birds seeking warmth and I won't give in until it nest in your heart love is a play For children love climb ladders of laughter take it to Emma as a gift.
You can quote me if you like to.
Okay.
Can we stop talking about love? Yes, just money, just money.
Yes.
Yeah.
Aubrey? Aubrey is that you? Emma? Emma! Oh, my god, hi! I was just The window.
Hi! Hi Whoa, what a coincidence.
What are you doing here? I live here.
Like, in this building? No way.
Mm-hmm.
Wow! That's crazy.
Yeah.
So what are you doing here? I'm on a European comedy tour Of Europe.
So I'm here and I'm preforming all over Europe and, uh, all the major cities, including here, obviously, which is why I'm here.
So, like, what cities? Oh, specifically? London, Germany city, uh, and pragistan and ummm Yeah, all the major ones.
Crazy.
Yeah.
As your Swedish money manager, I think that we should invest in some of these, like, really safe Swedish banks.
No, no, no, no, no.
Emma said that you'd make me money, lots of money.
Is it really what you told your American celebrities? No.
For my American clients I used to tell them that I had this really complex Cayman Islands tax scheme We take that.
That's good.
Just that.
We take it.
No, I don't think that's really I mean, how much money do you have to invest? Well, let's see.
Wait a minute.
Oh.
I have some coins too.
Here.
Is that all the money you have? No, there's more where it came from.
Where, in your other pocket? You have to make it grow, man.
It's your job, you have to make it grow! I still think we should stick with the Swedish Bank scheme, kind of.
I'm sorry, I've got to I've got to go.
But, uh You pay for the lunch, okay? Yeah, I'll pay for the lunch.
Wow.
Well, we should hang out while I'm here, while I'm in town.
Let's have lunch! Should we? Yeah, how about tomorrow? Fine.
Uh, maybe bring Bruce along or something.
Mm-hmm.
Okay! See you there.
I've got to run, I have a show.
Okay.
I'd like to stay, but I'll see you tomorrow! Okay.
Bruce! Hi.
Hi.
So, what's the big emergency? You want to sit down for a minute, just relax, rest? Talk a little bit? Okay.
Come on, Bruce.
Ah, you can sit in the couch.
No-o, I think I'll sit over here.
No, y-you can't.
It's a union rule.
Swedish union rule.
Couch.
Okay.
Okay? I get it, okay? But this is not a therapy session, just so you know.
No, it's not.
No.
Bruce Mmm? What's going on? European tour my ass.
How long have you had the feeling of not enjoying anything? Things you used to enjoy, uh, lacking energy.
Just, do you Do you feel Like crying for no reason sometimes? Wait, do you think I'm depressed? Well, aren't you? No! I was just trying to act more Swedish.
Trying to be more like them, you know, like, think like them and be like them.
Wow.
Okay, I see.
Well, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between depressed and Swedish.
I was just trying to do the same thing, day after day, you know, be more steady.
Be more stable.
Kind of like, uh Like your husband, birger.
No, no, not like birger.
Don't.
Don't, Bruce.
Be yourself! You have to be yourself.
Uh, can I tell you something? Honestly.
Sure.
The first time I met you, I didn't like you very much.
What? No, that's hard to believe.
Well, it's true.
I didn't.
But now, it's much better.
Really? Yeah.
That oh, my god, that means so much to hear you say that.
That is Wow, I never thought I would get, like, some sort of compliment like that.
I can't believe you like me now.
I didn't say I like you.
I said I like you much better than when I hated you.
It's still something.
Jeez! Oh, I'm so sorry Bruce? Aubrey? What What are you doing here? What am I doing here? European comedy tour, obviously.
Yeah, all the major cities of Europe.
London, england, uh, Paris, which is France, and, uh, Berlin, which is the capital of Germany, for example.
Yeah, you really know your capitals.
Yeah, I do, thanks.
This is crazy.
I live right here, you know.
I can't believe it! This is crazy! Oh, my god.
Well, I guess we have to hang out because obviously the universe wants us to! Yeah, maybe You should put a little Tour of Stockholm inside of me for me.
Today, if you have the time.
I do, before my My b my major show.
Uh Okay, yeah.
Let's do it.
Really? Sure.
Great! Okay, follow me.
Hey, can I try those? Yeah.
They're really cool, you kind of just put them left and right.
Wow.
They look really cool too.
Yeah.
It's, uh, it's a lot of stuff here.
I don't know where you want to start, but It's like, we've got museums, we've got animal I don't know what kind of animals you like First of all, you just took me to a zoo with no animals.
There were animals there, they were just inside their caves.
Then you took me to a sunken naval ship because apparently, in Sweden, you guys celebrate the worst naval disaster in history.
That was cool.
It's a beautiful ship! Then you took me to old town, which is just an old town.
Ugh.
It's a beautiful old town.
Honestly, this might be the worst day of my life.
I'm not a big fan of museums, but I've got to hand it to Sweden, you guys took boring to a whole new level.
Can we just have sex somewhere? Like, in the woods or on that rock or something? What? Please, just have sex with me.
Isn't that what people do here? Oh, we're Here we are! Next stop.
This better be good.
It smells like dead people.
Aubrey You've got to start appreciating stuff like this, this is Swedish history.
More like Swedish tragedy.
An abba museum? It's like, what if there was a Bee Gees museum? Oh, come on.
Abba was way better than the Bee Gees.
Yeah, right.
Name one good abba song.
They had that one really good song.
Which one? I forget the name, but it was, uh "Dancing queen"? Huh, no.
Not "dancing queen".
I said the go song.
"The winner takes it all"? No.
The go song W-what was that? It's I'm talking about the There is none.
"Mama Mia"? No! God, you're not helping.
It's not going to You know what? I'm out of here.
Why? Where are you going? I'm leaving, okay? What's the matter? All I know is this is not what I had planned, okay? I thought today we were going to have fun and just hang out and make fun of Swedish people together.
I don't know what happened to you, Bruce, but it's like You've become one of them.
If I wanted to hang out with swedes, I wouldn't have come here.
You wouldn't have come to Sweden? Oh, it was You know, it was "disco inferno".
That was the song I was thinking of.
I'm pretty sure that wasn't an abba song.
Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure it was, but thanks.
Oh, nice costume, by the way.
Some sort of super fan or something? Honey, I'm home.
Hey, babe, where have you been? Did you know that Aubrey Plaza was out on tour? Yes! I know, and we should really talk about that because Let me ask you something.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been trying to be and act a lot more Swedish lately.
Wait, is that why you've been so weird? I thought you were just depressed, honey.
No.
I was just trying to act more like them.
No, you shouldn't be like them, like us, you know.
I love you because you're not like them.
Like us.
You should be you.
You think? You should find, like, the most successful and richest celebrity in Sweden and then just make them even richer.
Because that's my old Bruce.
Right? Yeah.
You know, you're right.
I should, like, be who I used to be.
Yes! Like, do what I used to do.
Um could you start with this one? What is this? It's my negotiations for tomorrow.
Okay, this is perfect.
This is exactly what I used to do.
I know.
Okay, here's what you do.
First, you start with a really high counter-offer, 'cause then you have a lot of room to negotiate.
Second, you say, "fine, let's just meet in the middle.
" If they still won't budge, just pretend to walk away.
Okay.
Oh, it's you.
You know, I'm sorry about the other day.
I You know, I lo I love "dancing queen".
I think that was That was the song I was thinking of.
Uh So, uh, what's with the the outfit? Are you a part of the exhibition? No, I have a photo shoot later on.
Okay, 'cause that's the same costume you were wearing the other day, so Well I had one then too.
Anyway, I'm excited to meet you because I have a lot of different ways to make you money.
So And tell me, why would I want more money? That's I thought you were serious there for a second.
In Sweden we have a saying "There are people behind the mountain too.
" Okay, I have no idea what that means.
But, um We're all equal here.
No one is better than the other.
That's not true.
I mean, you're you're You're one of the Guys, uh, from abba, you a better than everyone else, so Let's face it.
This was a mistake.
I haven't even told you what my plan was going to be.
I'm not interested.
Well fine.
Then I'm not interested.
You know, I bet you don't even have a photo shoot.
I do! No, you do not.
I do! No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
You know what? I bet you don't! I bet you just wear those clothes every day! I do have a photo shoot.
Hi! Where's Bruce? He's not coming.
Because I'm on to you.
Okay, I know what's going on.
Stop stalking my boyfriend! Okay? He's mine.
Leave us alone, Aubrey.
And one more thing: I know that there's no tour.
Okay? Okay, well, guess what.
I'm not a stalker.
Oh, really? I can't be a stalker by definition because I'm a celebrity.
Celebrity stalkers are people that stalk celebrities, not celebrities who stalk people.
Sorry.
And-and by the way, I don't want to stalk him anymore, okay? I'm not interested.
He's totally lame now.
I don't know what you did to him, but you turned him into a Swede.
Excuse me.
I'll have you know that I'm working on that.
So he's not going to be like that anymore.
Just so you know, okay? So you're saying I should stalk him? Yes.
No.
You shou No.
I mean I'm just saying he's worthy of stalking.
I'm confused.
Are you telling me to stalk him? I don't speak Swedish.
Why would I speak Swedish? 'Cause we're in Sweden? I'm sorry, you just look very Swedish.
Just 'cause I have blue eyes I have to be Swedish? Well, can I get you something or? Yeah, I'll have a coffee.
Okay.
Black.
Can I get some sugar in this please? How many? Three.
Three? Yeah.
No, I think that's too much.
You know, in Sweden we have something called lagom.
Like, it's not too much, it's not too little.
Nuh-uh-uh-uh! Nope, nope! I don't Don't Give me give me ten.
I want ten sugars.
I want this thing, like, drowning in sugar.
You want ten? Yeah.
Because, you know what? Sometimes you've got to live a little.
Sometimes you've got to do things that are bad for you just so you feel something.
You know what I mean? Sometimes you've got to you've just got to eat the donut.
We don't have donut.
We do have This is not about you! Can you just let me finish? I'm like in the middle of, like, a serious rant here.
And sometimes you've got to walk without sticks.
And sometimes you do something just so you can feel, so you can live.
You know, just live a little, swedes.
Okay? Seriously.
That is delicious.
Honey, I'm home.
Hey, babe.
Hey.
How did it go for you today? It went horrible.
Yeah? Yeah, just horrible.
It's like It just doesn't matter, like, if I try to be myself or be someone else to try to fit in, it's like nothing works.
I feel like I'm Losing my mind.
I'll be honest.
I mean, for the first time since I moved here, I just want to Go home.
Just for a little while, just to I know it's hard.
But, I mean What would we do there? I don't know.
I mean I do have that offer from Amy to come back for three months, but that's Yeah, but We're just getting settled here and I know.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
And you're right.
It's like, our life is here now, you know? Yeah.
She can, like, take her $300,000 and just $300,000? Yeah.
Did she offer you that much? Yes.
Okay, then maybe we should Consider You know Are you serious? About what? We can move back? What are we? Um, uh I mean Thank you! Mm-hmm.
I didn't even know that was a possibility.
It's like Thank you so mu! I'm going to I mean Just for a little bit.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm going to Call everyone.
Every single person I know.
I love you so much! You don't Okay, I love Don't call them yet Uh-huh.
Heading to another photo shoot? Ha! I knew it.
I knew it! We're not living in America