Welcome to Sweden (2014) s02e03 Episode Script


1 - Ah! Ahhh! - Crap sandwich.
Are you okay, honey? All right, you know what? I have had enough, okay? Gustaf left these laying around in the hallway.
Actually that was me, because we're going skiing today.
It's a family tradition.
Sounds nice.
Have fun.
Yeah, but you're coming with.
We're family now, remember? So can you ski? Can I ski? Uh, no.
I played baseball and basketball for four years in college, but I can't walk on snow.
Can you ski? Well, I'm okay, I guess.
I mean, I-i used to compete, like, when I was younger, but that's a long time ago now.
Check this out.
Now I'm not What's this? What do you mean, what's this? This is my high school scrapbook.
My parents put it together.
Oh, my god, this is amazing.
I know, I was really good.
No, no, the fact that you kept this is amazing.
Aww, that's so cute.
Of course I kept it.
I was a great athlete.
Of course you were, honey.
Where's your scrapbook? Well, I don't have one.
Maybe 'cause you didn't have anything to put in there.
Or maybe I did.
I once beat Anja pãrson in a race.
Okay, nobody knows who that is.
She's only one of the best downhill skiers ever.
Olympic champion.
Yeah, but the winter Olympics.
That's like the Olympics for pale people.
You know what, honey? Sometimes I'm really happy no one is around to hear you speak.
Okay, you know what? You're just jealous of my scrapbook.
Get your own.
We're not living in America but we're not sorry I knew there was something that we never had we don't worry no, we're not living in America But we're not sorry, no we don't care about the world today We're not sorry for you my baby, baby, baby, baby ahh so what's your plan, gustaf? Two, maybe three eggs.
Orange juice.
I don't know.
Cheese, candy.
Okay, I'm I'm thinking of a life plan.
You know, you need to make a checklist.
Like, apartment, job, girlfriend.
Maybe a dog.
Oh, so many things.
It's, like, four things.
And you should focus on the apartment first.
News flash, Emma: I'm living here, so check.
Okay, uncheck.
You can't stay here.
Have you even started looking for other places? No.
Maybe that's part of the problem, you know? You won't find a place if you don't start looking for one.
As the old saying goes: It's when you least look for something that you find it Most.
I don't think that's an old saying.
Do you want me to help you? No! Don't treat me like a child.
I'm thirty and a half years old.
I can do this by myself.
So, what's on the list again? Apartment.
Job Girlfriend.
Dog Got it.
Let's get started.
Apartments are this way.
What? The apartments are this way.
I know.
This is the freezer, Bruce.
No, that's the refrigerator.
The refrigerator.
Check it out.
Look how good these look.
Mm, those are my old ones.
These are women's pants? Yeah, but don't worry.
You look hot.
Oh, my god, look at your ass! You look like j.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It depends, I guess.
You bought a dog? You can't buy and sell dogs, Bruce, they're not human beings.
Okay, there's so much wrong with that statement, I don't even know where to begin.
What's its name? Well, he can't tell me, can he? I hereby name you Gustaf's dog.
I think you started on the wrong end of the list.
I said apartment and job first.
Well, it just so happens that I'm going see an apartment today.
So, in your face! Ah, poor dog.
Gustaf's dog.
Poor, gustaf's dog.
No, Bruce, Bruce.
I-I'll pack the car.
You know, the packing has to be To be safe.
Why does everyone keep saying Bruce? Did you hear that, gustaf's dog? There's seven more rooms.
Hello, my name is Cecilia.
Hello, old lady.
It's an old pile of garbage.
It's not that bad.
No, it's literally an old pile of garbage.
Honey, you have something on here, you know, so You're a child.
It was funny though.
Ah, that's us! So, this guy needs, uh, to rent a pair of skis.
Then you've come to the right place.
Eh, what level are you, sir? I don't know, probably like semi-advanced.
Semi-advanced? I'm guessing somewhere in between advanced and expert.
Like, how much have you skied before? Before today? Uh, technically never, but I was a really good athlete in high school.
You never skied? No.
Then I would recommend our ski school, for beginners.
If you come with me please.
Beginners? No, I can walk.
I've never been a beginner at anything.
Maybe that's a good idea honey.
For what, to learn how to walk with long shoes on snow? Yeah.
Are you going to go to ski school? No, because I know how to ski.
I once beat Anja pãrson in this slope.
When I was 12.
Well done.
Thank you.
Except, she has no evidence of it.
No pictures; There's no scrapbook or anything like that, so.
We swedes don't like to brag, unlike some Americans.
Kind of sounds like you're bragging right now.
Well, actually, Anja is here today.
So you could just ask her.
She is? Yeah.
For real? Then she'll tell you.
So, beginners skis for you, sir? Yes.
And then we want to sign up for the ski school.
Okay, I'll do it, but it's not going to take me long, okay? It's going to be no problem whatsoever.
Okay, let's ski this mo-fo.
I don't now how to Talk ski language No.
I'm sorry, I don't speak any Swedish.
We start by warming up your hands and wrists.
Can we move this along? I just need to know the basics, then I'm out of here.
Warming up is important to don't hurt yourself.
Okay, one by one, ski down into my arms.
Good! Good work.
Here Ehh, take your skis like this, yeah Down and out.
Up with you again I'll get it, and try again.
I'll get it.
You'll get it soon.
You know what, this is crap.
I'm going to make a run for it.
I'll see you on the outside.
Here, wait! Here, I will help you back.
You must turn around.
Yeah, I know.
It's much tougher than I thought.
You'll fix it.
I got it.
Ohh, I'm sorry I'm late.
I've been chasing Anja pãrson for almost an hour now.
She's pretty fast nowadays.
What's that? I have no idea.
It's going much slower than I would like.
Really? I thought you were mister athlete.
I am.
I'm good at sports, but skiing is not a sport.
It's not? No, it's an activity.
There's no ball.
Sport has to have hand-eye coordination, not hand-foot coordination.
So, what about soccer? Soccer is technically a sport, but it's way below all the other handsy sports.
Do you ever think before you speak? It's my mother, sorry.
I've got to take this.
In your face! Whoo! Yeah! Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? So what are you up to today, Bruce? Uh, actually we're skiing.
Hey, you're not going to believe this, but over here they think that's a sport.
No way.
I know! It's unbelievable, right? Skiing is like walking on long shoes in the snow.
That's hilarious that they think skiing is a sport.
You live in a very strange country, Bruce.
I know, strange, but it's actually pretty beautiful.
You guys should really come visit in the winter sometime.
Oh, we will.
Yeah, maybe next winter, if you guys want to book a trip or something On Friday.
What? Yes, we are coming on Friday.
This Friday? Yes! I mean, you and Emma are so busy planning the wedding, right? And so me and dad are just going to come over.
We'll help out and we'll just plan everything for you, make sure everything turns out right.
Big surprise, huh? Yeahh Oh, brucie, I wish I could see your face right now.
This Friday? Yeah, this Friday.
And they've already booked their tickets.
So hypothetically, if you want to cancel someone else's ticket, how would you do it? You know what else she said? Skiing is not a sport.
Oh well, I guess it's settled then.
Yeah, it's an activity.
And I just mastered it.
What? I just mastered the fine activity of skiing.
You just mastered the fine activity of skiing? Yeah, I think so.
We have time for one more run if you want to.
I wish I could, but the slope's already closed.
The kids' slope, yes.
I would, I certainly would, but, um, I'm sore from all this advanced skiing.
Come on, you can go with me in the big slope now that you've totally mastered skiing.
Listen, all I'm saying is it's not as hard as I thought it was going to be.
Okay? They said I was one of their best students.
Yeah, but the other students were kids, honey.
Come on, I just want to see how good you've become.
First, you have something here.
You're so gullible.
Listen, babe, I love you, you know that, right? Let's just forget about this.
We'll go back inside, it's on.
Forget this ever hap What is on? I don't What are you doing? I'm warming up.
It's important to warm up.
So let's go.
Hey, can't we just wait a bit? Why? Okay, you know what? Maybe you were right, all right? Maybe Americans tend to over-exaggerate a bit and brag a bit, but you swedes, you do the opposite.
That's even worse.
Okay? You said you weren't good at skiing.
You're great at skiing.
You're super good.
You should have your own friggin' scrapbook.
I know! So let's race.
One, two, three I can't! I can't, okay? I can't! It's too steep and I'm freaking out up here! Honey, honey, relax, okay? I'm just joking.
I'm actually really surprised you even made it to the top.
Okay, I'm proud of you.
Babe, I love you.
I'll help you down.
Okay? Give me a kiss.
That I can do.
Anja? Anja! Oh, god.
What do you say, gustaf's dog? Gustaf's dog? Gustaf's dog! What have you done? On the persian rug? I mean, it's just like walking on snow.
You know? It's not a sport.
There's no ball.
Sport has to have a ball.
So what is it that you do? Uh, I'm a professional skier.
Yeah, sometimes I speak before I think.
There you are.
Oh, hey! Hi.
Oh, you got stuff Not funny.
No, no Not funny.
Honey, you have something on the side of your face Stop it, please.
It's for real this time.
Not now! Honey, you have something.
Not now, okay? I'm not Oh my god, what a sore loser she is.
Honey, you have stuff all over It's not funny, okay? It's all over your f Come on.
Okay, fine, do it yourself.
Just touch it yourself.
Oh, my god.
I have snot all over my face.
I Bruce, why didn't you tell me? I tried to tell you, like, ten times.
Now Anja thinks I'm some super competitive, nagging snot-face! Is there any part of that that's not true? It's not funny.
Snot funny.
Snot the end of the world.
This is the deal, gustaf's dog.
You poop too much.
I told you this before And it's either my way or the highway.
So, I'm sorry to say you're no longer gustaf's dog.
You're just dog.
Run, dog.
Run free.
We're not living in America