Welcome to Sweden (2014) s02e09 Episode Script

Little Brucie-Fästman

1 Good morning! Morning.
Breakfast in bed.
Wow! Breakfast? Oh, what is this? It's chocolate chips on the pancakes! That's just too much! What do you call these? It's called chocolate chip pancakes.
No way.
And they're the best.
See, I told you, sick leave can be great.
Can you pass me the laptop? No, no, no.
No work today, honey.
Okay? I don't want people to think I can't handle the stress.
Well, you kind of can't.
That's how you ended up on sick leave in the first place, right? Right.
But we can't stay in bed the whole day.
I mean, we have a meeting with the priest and Yeah, but that's not for a few hours.
That's true, so we have time.
See? Sick leave is the best.
I haven't thought of it that way.
I'm getting paid to have sex! Wait, that didn't sound right.
We're not living in America but we're not sorry I knew there was something that we never had we don't worry no, we're not living in America But we're not sorry, no we don't care about the world today We're not sorry for you for my baby, baby, baby, baby Aahh mmm.
Pass my computer.
Honey, no work today, okay? We're just going to spend As much time as we can in bed.
Should we have sex again or? Yeah! Okay.
Okay, but first I've got to just Need a few seconds to recharge little brucie.
Little little brucie? Yeah.
You can name him big brucie.
Thank you, honey.
Ironically, you know? That's not funny.
But, I mean, maybe we should look online for some inspiration, then.
Really? Yeah.
Why not? Okay.
I didn't know that you were Oh! Oh, oh.
I wasn't talking about porn, but but good to know.
I was more thinking of kama sutra positions or something like that.
Wait, did you have that site bookmarked? Um no, I just I mean, bookmarks are just a way for you to find Sites easier.
I know what a bookmark is.
Okay, so why are you asking? No, but you had a porn site bookmarked.
How often do you watch porn? These average.
Average? Yeah.
Not maybe Probably even way below average, I would say.
I'm just curious, you know.
It's How often do you watch porn? Uh, never.
Okay well, I watch A little bit more than that.
But not much.
It's You know what? Maybe we should get out of bed actually.
Yeah? Yeah, you can't spend the whole day together in bed.
That's kind of silly to keep it We should do something.
You've been having some alone time with little brucie there? Stop it.
Oh, you That's my mug.
This one? Yeah.
No! This is my mug.
I always drink out of this mug.
No, you always drink out of it on the weekends, because I let you.
Because it's the best mug, and I give that to my girlfriend.
But on the weekdays, I usually drink out of it.
I'd hate to interrupt your morning Masturbate-and-drink-coffee routine.
Here's your precious mug.
Seriously? What? You're going to get upset over the mug? I'm sorry.
That was me.
I'm sorry.
We're getting married soon, I mean And we are, like, the best couple I've ever seen.
We are.
Obviously we We think the same.
About the big Like, the big stuff.
Like what, which What big stuff? Like human rights.
Human rights, yeah.
I'm into that.
Yeah, and death penalty, that's like Death penalty too, we are You are which way? Don't tell me you're for the death penalty.
Well, I don't want to be the guy that You know, I don't want to be the guy that pulls that lever, but I have not problem with somebody else doing it if that's, you know, it's But that's It's medieval.
It's not civilized.
Well, certain good things came out of the medieval times too, you have to admit.
I mean, the wheel, I think Are you anti-wheel also? I mean, some people just deserve to die, let's be honest.
Okay? I think, if there was a slow torture option that would be something that I would check off.
Oh my god, I can't be! I can't This is not true.
Are you joking with me right now? No! No.
Maybe we should do you want to go back to bed? Hello? Bruce? Hi, it's Aubrey.
Don't hang up.
Oh my god, you changed numbers? Yeah, I had to for legal reasons.
Look, I wanted to apologize for that whole trying-to-have-sex-with-your-body-while- you-were-sleeping thing.
I know now that that was wrong because a lot of people told me that was wrong and that I pretty much molested you, um, which is illegal, and I won't do that again.
Okay, fine.
And I also wanted you to know that I'm a totally different person now.
I'm in a great place.
And, um, I'm not creepy anymore! I'm normal.
And, uh, it would just mean a lot to me if we could, you know, sit down sometime so I could apologize On your face I mean to your face.
Okay, whatever, the next time we see each other we can talk about it.
Okay, great! Because guess what? I'm here, now! Jag ar har! In Sverige! I've got to go.
Who was that? That was, um, just a celebrity.
Hm! Yeah.
D-list celebrity.
Just a potential client.
Oh! So you have to work today? No, today is our day.
I've set aside the whole day for us, it's just you and I together.
Yay! Or you can go and see him, if you want to.
Won't that ruin the day? No! I mean, it's your job, so I mean, I'll just go quick and come back.
Take your time, honey.
I'll be here, so Okay.
What are you doing back there? Just changing.
Come on, get that look off your face.
I mean, seriously, it's It's not my masturbatorium or anything.
People have bookmarks, okay? It's just a bookmark.
Hi, Bruce! Hello.
How are you? I'm okay.
Please have a seat.
I will not have a seat.
Okay? You have one minute.
Bruce, I've changed.
Yeah? I'm no longer a crazy person, I'm Normal and boring, just like you.
Plus I'm getting married.
You are? Yes.
So am I! Oh my god! We're getting married! Oh, I mean, yeah.
To other people.
That is so crazy.
We're getting married! We're getting married! No I just want to tell everybody, we are getting married! The two of us are getting married! We are not getting married! We are, but to other people.
So that Have you been working out? Little bit, but that's Your biceps feel huge.
Okay, but, I mean Why did you want me here? You wanted to say something? Yeah, I wanted to see you because I need closure.
Closure? Yeah.
There was nothing ever open between us to close.
Well, we slept together.
No, we didn't.
Yes, we did.
No, I mean, we were in the same bed, side by side, but Yeah, we were in the same bed and we were naked.
And some parts of your body were in some parts of my body.
Okay, you know, I just We slept together.
I mean, technically we slept together.
Thank you.
No, but that's I've honestly been trying to forget that night ever since it happened.
Well, I've been trying to not think about it every second.
Literally, every second.
I can't be obsessing over you if I'm about to get married, so We need to talk about it.
Well, tell me about your fiancé.
He is Um He's amazing.
He's so tall and he looks really good in bright colours and tiny bow ties.
Did I mention he's tall? Yes.
He's nothing like you.
He's like the anti-Bruce.
You know what? Enough, okay? What? You don't have a fiancé, there's no such thing, he's a non-existent fiancé.
I have a fiancée and I'm going to go to her right now.
I do have a fiancé.
He exists.
No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does! No, he doesn't! Oh my god, I can't believe you're so jealous, Bruce! I expected more of you, honestly.
I expected the same from you.
Exact same.
You'll meet him soon! What's your name? Hi, hello.
Thank you for coming in, and let's get right to it.
Uh, you will start in a room in the back and the bells will start ringing.
And have you decided what music you want to come in to? Eh, sorry, maybe we shouldn't get into too much detail before the priest comes.
Well, I am the priest.
Right, you're the priest! And you're a woman.
Yes, I am.
You're a woman priest.
So that's We don't have a problem with that.
Right, honey? No.
I love women.
Just And I love priests, so What's not to like? Yes, win-win.
I begin by saying, "we are here in the presence of god.
" Ah, amen.
"And we ask that god bless these two who are about to get married.
" Amen to that.
Okay, honey, you don't need to Bruce thinks that you expect us to be religious.
Oh, but that's fine, Bruce.
Um Actually, a lot of the people I marry don't believe in him or her.
Wait, "her"? Who's the "her"? God.
God is a "her", here? Okay, but where I'm from, it's just usually Referred to as a "him.
" Maybe we should move on and talk about the ceremony or? Ceremony, yes.
I'm excited about this because I have put together a wedding plan.
Thank you.
We have.
I mean, she looked at it once.
Uh, and it just has very traditional, standard vows.
The usual.
Okay, um, I'm going to start by making some adjustments to these.
Um, I see that you want Emma's father to walk her down the aisle? We usually don't do that here.
I'm not sure you understand what that means.
It symbolizes that the father owns the woman and is giving her to the husband.
Okay, I don't think you understand what it means to us, because we just think it's nice and we want to have it.
Well, I actually think she has a point.
What? It's tradition.
Emma is not property.
I know that! Okay? I'm not a caveman.
I you know This was a mistake.
You seem very nice, but we're going to leave.
So, come on, Emma.
Forgot my jacket, and Come on! Let's Okay, I'll go.
I've already committed to leaving, so unbelievable, the girl's, like, "property" I know she's not property, right? Introducing Dj k.
P! Go, go, go! Okay.
What took you so long? We were going through all details.
She's amazing, I really want her to be our priest.
Now all of a sudden you're into priests? I thought you didn't want a priest! Now I do.
What about the woman priest thing? What about it? I don't know, I just I grew up catholic, okay? There were no woman priests.
So? So I don't know if it'll even count in the us, if it will be legal or valid there! What? That's so dumb! You were really embarrassing in there.
I was embarrassing? Yeah! What about you? You didn't even follow me out! What? We're supposed to be on the same team, okay? Even if I'm being irrationally angry and crazy, you have to be on my side, okay? That's what love is.
Yeah, but sometimes your side is ridiculous.
Can't I just have this one thing? Okay? God, I gave up everything for you! I gave up my friends and my family, my job, and my life, and now I'm getting married in a weird Swedish church where god is a "she" and I just want to have it the way I want to have it, okay? How many times do I have to hear this, Bruce? For real? I mean, will we ever be even? No! No.
We'll never be even.
As long as I'm living here, we'll never be even.
It'll always be crappier for me.
That's so sweet.
I'm sorry if I make you suffer.
You do make me suffer.
This makes me suffer, okay? And thank you for hanging out with me today Oh, thank you too! Yeah, it's been nice.
You know what? I really need some time away from our time together, so I'm leaving now, okay? Me too.
I'm leaving too, so see you later.
Okay, the exit's that way, so I'll let you leave.
It's my decision! Bruce! Hey! Oh my god, what are you doing here? I live here, so I'm always here.
So weird.
This is my fiancé.
Wow! Hello.
Hi, I am Surprised.
He didn't think you existed.
No? No.
I told you, yeah, I guess I was wrong.
Yeah, you did tell me.
And I'm happy that you found someone.
That's great.
Thanks! Hey, are you okay? Yeah, it's just Emma and I, we just had this really weird argument over stupid little things, and now it's gotten to be this huge thing, and it's a few days before the wedding and It's bad.
Ugh - I'm sorry.
- That sucks.
Yeah, that's the thing about us.
We never argue.
We're just Bruce? Hello? Yeah.
We just love each other so much, it's crazy.
Bruce? Yeah.
Do I know you from somewhere? What's your name? Uh, my name, it's, um His name is brr-yce.
Bryce? Bryce.
His name is Bryce.
He's from Texas.
Well Yeah.
You know, once you find the one that you love, you've got to hold on to them.
Unless you, um, met them before, and then, a little bit later, you see them again and you see that they're happy with someone else and that makes you realize that you really love them.
Which happens a lot.
It does? Yeah.
Could be happening right now.
Love is worth fighting for.
You should go after your girlfriend, man.
Yeah! See, that makes sense.
No, it doesn't! Yeah, he's right.
No, it doesn't.
It doesn't make sense actually, at all, because, um, if you're fighting you guys should probably just break up.
I think Bryce is right.
You know, I mean when I see you guys and the happiness you have, that's what I want, and that's what I have! I should go after her.
No, but Thank you so much.
You should hang on to this guy, he's a keeper, okay? Thanks buddy, later.
No Good luck! What the hell was that? What? I thought you were an actor! I told you not to talk! I'm a waiter.
Okay, well, in America that's the same thing.
This is just another working day Don't think I'll ever take away So many things I need to do that's how I work and how I play I'm going down a road that I've been travelling before It always picks me up when I feel down Doesn't really matter if it takes me near or far what matters are the miles I leave behind It's been a while since you've been Promise to never agree with me again.
I will! Okay.
I mean, I won't.
Yeah I mean, we come from totally different worlds but there's no one I would rather be with and that should count for something.
I mean, this time apart has been horrible! How long has it been? Uh, three hours.
Right, that's It felt like more.
I like that we're different, okay? Yes.
Let's be different together.
You want to go somewhere? And masturbate? Come on seriously? Am I never going to hear the end of that? No! - Funny.
- Sorry.
We're not living in America