Welcome To The Family (2013) s01e00 Episode Script

Pilot

1 It's the middle of graduation.
Yeah, I'm on it.
Lauren Danielle Williams.
Molly Julia Yoder.
Yeah! There it is! Oh, dear God! Oh, my God! Whoo! Oh, my God.
Sorry.
Really could have gone either way.
And now it is my pleasure to introduce a young man who's represented our school at model U.
N.
And is a founding member of our math club Our Stanford-bound valedictorian, junior Hernandez.
Yeah! You go, dude! Fellow graduates, I am a mathlete, but in a way, aren't we all mathletes? Forced to solve life's problems, both simple and complex.
Th-thank you.
Short and sweet! Yay! You did it! Thank you.
Congratulations, graduate.
Thanks, dad.
Thank you.
Okay.
Whoa, whoa! Careful with that.
That's our proof.
Okay.
Big day.
So many emotions.
Okay, got to bounce.
Whoa, whoa.
So that's it? Oh, no.
Actually, will you return that gown for me, dad? Uh, yeah.
That seems like something that should be my responsibility.
Hey, where's the cap? Uh, somewhere on Wilshire.
I threw it out Tina's sunroof.
It was a $40 deposit.
Who cares? She was having fun.
Where on Wilshire, exactly? Thanks, mom.
Bye, dad.
Suck it, doubters! Oh, yeah, that's right.
She's Arizona state's problem now.
You're gonna miss her.
If you say so.
Yeah, I know she's been a challenge at times.
When has she not been a challenge? That month she was in bed with Mono.
Oh, yeah, that was nice.
So quiet.
Oh.
And the pier.
She did love going to the pier.
Yeah.
I just want to remind you that the minute she leaves for somewhere between two and seven years at the nation's leading party school I know, I know.
The big renaissance.
Exactly.
We're gonna get back to us.
We'll get in shape.
I'll get in shape.
I'm gonna go to that boxing gym I read about in L.
A.
Magazine.
Oh! We'll go to yoga.
Yoga, ballroom dancing, except not that.
Sex? We're gonna be having sex constantly.
Wow.
We're gonna be having so much sex that I'm gonna have to invent some kind of tandem pants that we can wear so we don't have to stop doing it when we're out in public.
Right, 'cause, I mean, that's what every woman wants Special shared sex pants.
Yeah.
Let's light this candle right now.
Shirts off.
Shirts? I'm going straight to pants.
Oh, I am loving this renaissance.
Oh! There's my boy.
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks, mom.
Stanford.
Come here.
Honey, you're getting snot in his hair.
My bad.
Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Hernandez.
Molly! So congratulations? Oh, yeah, I made it.
Yeah.
Congratulations.
Anyway, we should, uh, we should chat.
Yeah.
Dad, where's my Stanford sweatshirt? Hey, you snoozed, you losed, right, bosco? Are you okay? No, I'm totally freaking out, but If I wanted this, would you be okay? I-I would.
Okay.
Oh, but what about all of your plans? You're my plans.
God, I love you because you always say the right thing.
And, Molly, I want you to know I'm gonna do the right thing.
Wait a minute.
Why is it up to the guy to do the right thing? How do you know that I'm not gonna skip town and stick you with a baby? Our society is so patriotic.
Do you mean patriarchal? Probably.
Yeah.
Okay, we need to get our parents together as soon as possible.
Mm.
Good call.
Tell them in a group.
My dad won't kill me if there are witnesses.
No, I meant we should have them meet.
I can't keep this from my parents until then.
Why? I keep stuff from my parents all the time.
They don't even know you exist no offense.
Well Oh, yes, okay, fine.
I'll tell them.
Molly, obstacles don't have to stop us.
If you run into a wall, you can give up or you can figure out how to climb it.
Is that your graduation speech? Someone should get to hear it.
Dip, dive, socialize Get ready for the Saturday night Excuse me.
Yep? Oh.
My bad.
Mind if I finish it? I mind enough that I put up a sign.
Okay.
So, it's cool to have a dog in here but not a cup of coffee? No one ever stained my canvas by spilling a dog on it.
Well, for the record, dogs are capable of much worse messes.
What I wouldn't give for my neighbor's Saint Bernard to leave a latte on my lawn.
What can I do for you? Well, I read about your "first lesson free" deal, and I thought I'd come in, check out the gym See if it's for me.
Yeah, it's not for you.
Do you run this place full time or teach customer service on the weekends? Let's just say you couldn't handle it.
Oh, I bet I could.
I ran varsity track, all-county, high hurdles.
When you jump a hurdle, is somebody punching you in the face? You know, I am not enjoying my first free lesson.
That first free lesson was the worst idea ever.
Since then, it's been a parade of guys like you coming in.
"Guys like me"? Yeah, you know, drove over here from Hancock park in their Audi, wearing their brand-new workout gear.
Hey, this gear was a father's day gift from my wife, and I can't return it without hurting her feelings.
Whatever, man.
You're all the same Entitled posers who think it would be cool to box.
But the training's too hard, you're too soft, you don't come back, and then I've wasted an hour of my time.
Hey, I'm just a guy with a coupon trying to lower his cholesterol.
I'm sorry if a bunch of douches wasted your time, but I don't appreciate being lumped in there with them.
You don't know me.
Let's keep it that way.
Get the hell out of my gym.
Hey, you know what? I am happy to, pal.
Eh.
Oh.
Ahh! Wasn't yours, was it? No, it was not.
Wife, look what I ordered.
A treadmill? Yeah.
You know why? Because no lessons were learned from the rowing machine or the pedometer? No.
Because on September 2nd at 10:00 A.
M.
, Molly goes to A.
S.
U.
, and at 10:30, her room becomes our home gym.
Wait a minute what happened to the boxing gym? Guy who owned it was a tool.
So, you're really doing this, huh? Yes.
You're getting in shape? Mm-hmm.
Mm! I like that.
Wow.
Pants off again already? Yep.
Welcome to the renaissance.
Hey, I'm not complaining.
I just don't know if I can maintain this pace.
Well, you better figure something out 'cause I'm about to be on you like tourist on line to Get a map.
You lost the handle there, didn't you? Little bit.
Mom? Dad? Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Nice timing.
How you doing? So, know how you guys say I never tell you stuff? Yeah.
Well, you're not wrong, and I don't think that's healthy, so I'm gonna tell you more about what's going on with me.
Wow.
Well, good.
We appreciate that.
So, I have a boyfriend.
Good for you.
His name is junior, and we totally love each other.
He is, like, the best guy that I've ever gone out with.
Aww.
Really? 'Cause the drummer with the dinner plates in his earlobes He set the bar pretty high.
Well Okay.
Uh, anyway Now you guys are up to speed.
Okay.
And I'm pregnant.
What? What? You're you're pregnant? Pregnant? Preg pregnant is a word that currently describes you? Wow, for your first time sharing, you really nailed it.
Okay, look, I know this seems like a major screw-up, but junior and I are really happy about this.
Oh, well, hey, I mean, as long as junior's happy.
Mol, have you even thought about this, what this means? Yeah, we talked about it today.
Oh, really? Did you talk about how the world's most irresponsible person is now gonna become a parent? I am much more responsible than you guys think I am.
A pizza a purse.
Half a dozen iPhones Nana's Walker.
What am I naming? Things I accidentally drove off with on top of the car.
Yes.
And now we're gonna add "baby" to that list? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You know what? This is the last thing I'm ever telling you.
Junior and his parents are here for dinner.
That's the last thing I'm ever telling you.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Caroline.
I'm Lisette.
This is so exciting.
I made some dessert.
Oh, that's Oh, you got to be kidding me.
This is a joke, right? Wait.
What's going on? There's 4 million people in L.
A.
, and this is the guy whose son knocked up Molly? What?! What?! I couldn't bring myself to tell them.
Yeah, I got that from the big "what?!" Thanks a lot.
Yeah, it's kind of an emergency.
Okay.
Pizza's gonna be here in half an hour.
Great.
That solves the major issue in the room right now.
Let's break out the scattergories.
You had a plan.
Now he has a new plan.
That's right.
What's the new plan? I'm planning on deferring my Stanford admission indefinitely.
Oh, I got to take a knee.
What about you? What's your plan? Well, instead of going to A.
S.
U.
, I'm gonna do community college and live at home.
Wait, you're gonna raise a baby in our gym? Way to raise your daughter, man.
Hey, hey what? You you saying this is my fault? Look at junior.
We raised him right.
Valedictorian, Stanford, gonna be a scientist.
And Molly was going to A.
S.
U Yeah.
after which well, at one point, there was some vague talk about something in the area of concert promotion.
Event planning.
Event planning.
Dad, I can go to U.
C.
L.
A.
, and for money, I'm planning to tutor S.
A.
T.
prep.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna work, too, piercing ears with Tina at the mall.
There you go.
Well Who are we kidding? We all know that the burden of raising this kid is gonna fall squarely on your mom and me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What, because the poor latinos won't be able to contribute? That's not what he meant.
Whoa! Way to paint a whole ethnic group with one brush, dad.
When did this become about me having some issue with latinos? I have an issue with that Latino! We're out of here.
Door's right there! Come on, junior.
No, but, dad Look, I'm sorry.
No, wait.
Junior, don't go.
You do not get blondies.
Morning, Dr.
Yoder.
Well, Molly is going to have a baby.
Congratulations! Nope! I am so sorry.
Yes.
That's what you say.
Uh, you want to talk about it, partner? No.
Just want to throw myself into my work and be grateful for the distraction.
Dr.
Yoder? Sir, I'd like to ask you for Molly's hand in marriage.
Oh, sure.
Take her hand.
You've already had all the other parts.
Junior, we've always let Molly make her own decisions.
Thank you.
But that obviously hasn't worked out.
Well Tell me why should I actually allow you to marry my daughter? I can't answer that question.
Not now, anyway.
But ask me again in 30 years, after I have spent three decades by Molly's side, loving her like nobody else could And providing for her and the baby that we're gonna have and being a dutiful and respectful son-in-law to you and Mrs.
Yoder.
Then you'll know why you said yes to me.
All right, next time, lead with that.
Nostril piercings are $25, unless they're also doing ears, in which case they can get the ears-and-nose special.
Got it.
Excuse me.
May I have a moment with the woman I love? Oh, hi.
Can we talk in a second? I'm in the middle of training.
That was pretty much it.
Okay.
Molly, the moment I stepped off the bus in your school parking lot for model U.
N.
And saw you on your knees looking for the iPhone that had just fallen off your car Yeah.
I knew we belonged together.
So Will you marry me? Seriously? And don't worry I already got your dad's permission.
You did what? I asked your dad for your hand.
So you think it's okay for men to decide a woman's fate, like she's a sack of grain or a chicken? No, I just thought it was respectful.
It's not respectful of me.
Well Molls.
Hey.
M-Molly! That took a sharp left.
Go left, left.
Jab.
Mr.
Hernandez? I'm here to ask you for your son's hand in marriage.
He said no.
Honey, who said no? Junior's dad when I asked him for junior's hand.
He said no.
Why would you ask him? I was fighting back against our stupid society.
It's so parochial.
Do you mean patriarchal? Ugh! Probably.
Okay, you know what? We're gonna go talk to that sack.
Nobody rejects our daughter.
Except a lengthy list of colleges and universities.
I'm sorry.
No, I am.
Oh, hey, guy.
Hey.
I think you owe my daughter an apology.
Why do you owe Molly an apology? Molly, a pioneer in feminism, apparently asked him for junior's hand in marriage.
Well, guess who said no.
What is wrong with you? You did what? Molly, I never meant to hurt your feelings.
Well, but you did, didn't you? The thing is, is that when you marry someone, you marry their family, and there is no way you're marrying her family.
Excuse me? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I think you just stepped over the line.
I'm her family.
And you know what? You'd be lucky to have us.
Mm-hmm.
Would we? Two parents who have no control over their daughter.
Our daughter was doing just fine till your son climbed on top of her.
Before my son met your daughter, he was a virgin.
Thanks, mom.
Look, look, it's not about that.
You go on and on about your son, your son, your son.
Stop, stop, everyone! Molly, I never got an answer.
Will you marry me? Yes, I will.
Whoa! I never gave my permission.
Okay, you know what? That's not my problem, dad.
You've always taught me to go after what I want.
Well, what I want is Molly.
And what you see here this is a family Molly, me, and whoever's inside Molly.
Unfortunate choice of words.
Yeah.
So, I'm taking my fiancée to celebrate our engagement at her favorite place.
The mall? The pier.
Oh, yeah, I love the pier.
And if any of you want to become part of our family, you'll join us.
Whoo! Don't take me tongue-tied Don't wave no goodbye Don't All right! Yeah! Whoo! Take me to your best friend's house Normally, we're making out Oh, yeah So, Miguel, how long have you had the gym? What's wrong with you? I've owned the gym seven years.
Oh.
That's cool.
Yeah.
You know what, guys? We came here for the kids, but they're not here right now, so we don't have to pretend.
Oh, my God.
First intelligent thing I heard out of you.
Okay, you know what? Caroline, let's go get food.
You two stay here and talk.
That's not necessary.
We don't have to.
We're going, so be nice, even if it's your fake nice, okay? Oh, give me four.
You got it.
Listen, um, I'm sorry about that stuff I said earlier.
Oh, please.
Heat of the moment.
Yeah.
Got to stand by your idiot.
Oh, well, I guess it wasn't Dan's finest hour.
Oh, no, no.
I meant me and Miguel.
Oh, no, please.
Miguel's fine.
No, but at least it comes from a good place.
He grew up without his dad, so he tends to overcompensate with junior.
Dan's always big on giving Molly her space, letting her make her own mistakes.
And she did not disappoint.
Well, I just want to say thanks.
For what? My genes in your grandkid? No, just for everything.
You know, Molly was going off to college.
I was having sex with my wife at a pace of twice in two days.
But now I'm gonna be a grandpa, and I'm sitting here with you.
No, thank you.
I spent 18 years trying to make sure junior didn't mess up.
Oh, 18 years? Couldn't carve out half an hour to cover birth control? Dude, you didn't even know Molly had a boyfriend.
The hell kind of parenting is that? Maybe it's the kind where my whole life is not tied to my kid's achievements.
So, you two finally acting like grown-ups? We're leaving.
Amen to that.
You two are unbelievable.
We're out of here.
Where's your brother? Oh, uh, he and Molly are on line for the roller coaster.
I'll meet you at the car.
I'm not spending another second Hey, Molly can't be on a roller coaster.
She's pregnant.
Let's go get them before they get on.
I'm gonna text her.
I'll go.
I'll do it.
She's my daughter.
I'm in shape.
No, it's through the arcade! Out of my way! Come on! Hey! Hey! Stop! Stop the ride! Stop it! Stop the ride! Stop the ride! Pregnant girl! Stop it! Hey! High hurdles.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My hammy it's toast.
Oh, God.
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Junior! What's going on? Molly's pregnant.
She can't be on that thing, junior.
She's not on that thing.
Way to trust me, you guys.
You know, despite what everyone thinks, I'm responsible.
And I'm gonna be a kick-ass mom.
Why didn't you answer my texts? Crap.
Thanks.
Yep.
You know how you see someone in a different light and you come to like them? I don't see that happening with Miguel.
Uh-huh.
I got to say, though, I'm okay with junior.
That kid's crazy about Molly.
And after seeing them together today, well, maybe they can make it work.
Uh-huh.
I mean, he's got brains.
She's got Him.
Of course, this, uh, little curveball could sidetrack the renaissance a little bit, - but we don't have to let it.
- Uh-huh.