Welcome To The Family (2013) s01e02 Episode Script

Dan Finds Out

Previously on "Welcome to the Family" Hello, graduates.
We're gonna get back to us.
I know, I know.
The big renaissance.
You're all the same entitled posers who think it would be cool to box.
- You don't know me.
- Let's keep it that way.
- Get the hell out of my gym.
- I am happy to, pal.
- I'm pregnant.
- What? This is a joke, right? This is the guy whose son knocked up Molly? - What?! - What?! This, uh, little curveball could sidetrack the renaissance a little bit, but we don't have to let it.
Someone answered our "need a teenage boy roommate" ad.
- Good morning, dad.
- Hi, Dr.
Hey, where's your mom? She left early.
She said she had some work thing.
- Goin' for a run? - No.
I am playing the part of "jogger" in the office play.
Well, did you stretch? 'cause, you know, stretching Can prevent over 30% of all injuries.
Wow, running advice and unexpected grandchildren.
What don't you provide? - I think he's coming around.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Last name? Yoder.
A 9:00 sonogram.
I'm a little late.
All right, and are you pregnant? Pretty sure.
Just need it confirmed Or unconfirmed.
That would work, too.
Are we waiting for your husband or partner? Oh, god, no.
My husband doesn't know.
Oh, no, no! It's not what you're thinking.
It's definitely his.
Maybe you weren't thinking that.
It's just that he may not be quite ready for this.
So I haven't told him yet, or anyone in my family, really.
Sorry, maybe that's more than you need to know For what we're Yoder.
It looks like we have you down for 9:30.
Huh, I could have sworn it was 9:00.
Well, you're here now.
So just have a seat.
Okay, thanks.
All right, sure.
- Hey.
- Hi, guys.
How are you today? Good.
Um Oh, crap.
We have a 9:30 sonogram.
Yoder? - Hey! - Mom, what are you doing here? - Um - Mol, she obviously came for your sonogram.
That is correct.
Your big day! How'd you even know? Oh, moms know things.
Oh, well, that's so sweet of you.
Ah, no need to act so surprised.
If your mom is here, I should probably invite my parents.
- Oh - Parents? Plural? Well, if your dad comes, my dad should come.
Yeah, you know what? Let's get 'em all down here.
The more, the merrier.
You know, um, you should try dad at the office 'cause he doesn't always check his phone.
Caroline Yoder? Mom, they're calling you.
Oh, wha-what? What's up? Ready to start getting prepped? - Prepped? - Prepped To share a life moment with my daughter, you bet I am.
Thanks for askin'.
- N-no, I mean-- - it's okay.
It's good.
We're all good.
You can go.
Go! Jeez.
d - Wow! Full house.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, Caroline.
Oh, no.
My mom is Caroline.
Oh, sorry.
All right, then.
Uh, you're 42.
Well, that can't be right.
She's 18.
So am I.
You know, so we were legal to be doing it.
Well, that's odd.
Hey, steve jobs, check it later.
Hmm? Okay.
Let's get started.
Hold that, please! Oh, thank you.
I bet if I told you a month ago We'd be going to admire your son's work, You'd have thought it was a term paper.
Oh, my bad.
It's on 11, not 12.
I don't think this is-- Is this ultrasound gonna be transuterine or transvaginal? Well, this early, we usually do transvaginal.
Transvaginal, really? A lot of "vaginal" flying around.
- Junior's been reading up.
Yeah, he wants to know all the scientific-- Ooh! That is transvaginal.
hey, I miss anything? Hey Had some elevator fun, huh? - I did, yeah.
- Okay, the children are here.
So let's take a peek at this grandkid.
Oh, there actually won't be much to see this early.
If we're lucky, maybe the heartbeat.
Otherwise, just the fetal pole.
Well, yeah, if it's a boy.
Molly has apparently not been reading up.
- So how have you been feeling? - Fine.
Well, she has been experiencing frequent urination.
- Dude.
- In order to treat you, they need a complete picture.
And mild breast soreness.
Well, then maybe you should lay off 'em for a while.
Excuse me, caroline? - It's Molly.
- Yeah, I mean get it together, you guys.
I'm sorry, Molly, I'm going to need to see - Your insurance card again.
- Oh, Junior, it's in my bag.
- Oh, take mine.
I'm her father.
- You know what? - Put it on ours.
- What are you talkin' about? It's cool.
You don' t have to pay for it.
We're not paying for it.
It's insurance.
So you don't think we have insurance? Dude, I don't care if you have insurance.
Molly, our daughter, is the patient.
Maybe you can get the next one.
- Yes.
- Actually, it's our baby.
I should pay for it.
You're on our insurance.
Well, then I will go out of pocket.
How much is it? About $500.
Mom, can I borrow $500? - Please, I just need an insurance card.
- Take this.
Split it 50/50.
What are we, at brunch? - Why is everything I do a personal insult to you? - You know what? - My son is just as involved in the situation as your daughter.
- Okay, my daughter is pregnant.
- We're here.
We're on our insurance.
- We're all involved in this situation.
- Weave he same insurance card, okay? - I'm just trying to help out.
Hey! Miracle of life right here if anyone's interested.
You need a tissue Or some testicles? Thank you for coming, everyone.
Thank you for letting us be a part of it.
Yes, it was a pretty big moment.
A big moment I had penciled in for about 12 years from now.
You know, you guys go ahead.
- I'm gonna call my office.
- You sure? You want me to hang? Oh, no.
You go.
I'll see you later.
- Okay, bye.
- Okay.
Just All right.
Let's go see what's in there.
- That sucked large.
- Really? That was the most incredible moment of my life.
Yeah, no, that, too.
But our dads totally ruined it.
It's like they don't even care there's a baby inside me.
I know.
Your dad sticking that sanitary napkin On my dad's back was not cool.
Yeah, that is not what this day should be remembered for.
How do we get 'em to stop being such Fetal poles to each other? - Ticket? - Crap.
I left it in my bag, which I left in the room.
I'll go up and get it.
He's just gonna be a second.
Where do you pee? - Can I help you? - Oh, my girlfriend left her bag in there.
- I'll just, um - What are you doing?! Oh, god! Oh, God, ok, I'm--I'm here for Molly's bag.
Oh,yeah, well, unless'm just looit's in my uterus,ag.
I can't help you.
- Sorry, Mrs.
And, um, congrats.
- Junior, wait.
This stays between us or I will end you.
Got it? Got it.
Can I go now? Never a dull moment with you people.
Yeah, well, we try to keep it interesting.
So anytime I can close up shop here, you let me know.
Sorry about that.
Just, uh - Is something wrong? - Nope.
Did you get my bag? Nope.
- One more second, sir.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you ahead of time For your patience, everybody.
So to what do I owe the pleasure? Can't a girl want to have lunch with her dad? Generally not, if you're the girl and I'm the dad.
Oh, my god.
Look who's here! You guys also frequent this cafe? Amazing.
Join us.
Oh Wow.
I'm convinced this is just a chance meeting And not some half-assed plan.
Hey, buddy.
Okay, here's the deal.
We refuse to bring a baby into a world Where you two can't get along.
So we're gonna sit here until you figure it out.
They close at 3:00 F.
Dan, I know we got off to a rough start At the gym the other day.
So why don't you come by after work today, And I'll give you that free session? Okay, fine.
Will do.
- Thanks, dad.
- Someone had to be the bigger man.
Okay, here comes your dad.
You want to tell him, or should I? - Hi.
- Hey.
Tell me When did someone Put an m-80 up my life's ass and light it? Colorful.
Today, I got to have lunch with my pregnant teenage daughter, Her fiance, and the smug jerk Who's gonna be sharing our grandchild.
Dan, I think you could be trying a little harder To get on board.
Oh, I was on board.
Yeah, I was on board When the ship was just you and me And we could sail anywhere.
I was the freakin' captain.
Give me one reason to get on board now.
Well There's gonna be a baby And you love babies.
I loved babies 18 years ago.
But this baby is gonna be living in our house, Bleeding us of our time, our money, And the last fleeting vestiges of our youth.
Not you.
Different baby.
- You made it.
- Uh-huh.
Sign this.
- What is it? - Liability waiver.
Says if you drop dead of a heart attack, - Not my problem.
- Is it my imagination, Or did you just put a little extra mustard - On the words "drop dead"? - You hear what you wanna hear.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
- Uh, come in.
- Oh, thank you.
I, uh, made some pan dulce.
I used to love this stuff when I was pregnant.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Molly's really gonna love that.
And I made a lot.
So So - Do you want some? - Oh, no.
Do you? I'm--I'm sorry.
What's happening here? One thing you'll learn about Junior-- - not great at keeping secrets.
- Damn it.
All right.
Gimme the damn bread.
So, you don't work out much.
- Based on what? - Information I'm receiving from my eyes.
I play hoops once a week.
And when I can, I run the stairs Over at the reservoir.
Of course you do.
- Excuse me? - Biggest white guy workout in L.
? Oh, I'm sorry.
Next time I pick ancestors, I'll try to mix in a little more color.
Can we please just work out? I'm skeptical, but we can try.
You know you're gonna have to tell him eventually.
He's not the most observant.
But a screaming person coming out of his wife I think he picks up on that.
It's just, he's still struggling To get his head around molly being pregnant.
Well, what about you? How do you feel about it? Mm I think I could be excited.
But then I think about him.
I grew up in a big family.
I got to see tons of people Tell tons of people they're pregnant.
I promise you, quicker is always better.
You just gotta rip off the band-aid.
I thought you made a lot of this stuff.
Oh, yeah.
A little ripe in here, no? Okay.
Let's see you throw a punch.
- Whenever you're ready.
- Good one.
You know, maybe I'd punch a little harder If I wasn't just hitting your hand.
Let's do it.
- Right here.
- You mean it? Go ahead.
Oh! Ho-ho! Almost.
"Old and Slow" "The Dan Yoder Story.
" "I'm a jackass who insults my customers-- The Miguel Hernandez story.
" "I'm entitled, arrogant, and have had Everything handed to me-- The Dan Yoder Story.
" "I'm apparently the only guy in the world "who's ever had to make it on his own-- The Miguel Hernandez story.
" Soon to be a major motion picture, If we can find a big enough douchebag To play the part.
You know what? You and me are gonna see each other When we have to, but we're never gonna be friends.
Oh, no.
Not that.
Anything but that.
Hey, and gimme back my damn gloves! I will send them to you.
- Call him right now.
- By phone? I can't do it by phone.
Can I do it by phone? Yes! Rip that bad boy off.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Yeah? Hey, it's me.
Honey, listen, I know we've had a lot of surprises lately.
Of course, surprises can be good.
Like in "lost," When we found out about the tail section of the plane And we were like, "what?" Dan, I'm pregnant.
What the - Dude, are you kidding me? - My wife is pregnant.
What? My daughter My wife.
I'm 46.
Eh, how did I can't.
I can't.
Where--where are you going? Dan? Hey, it's me Again.
I'd really love to hear back from you.
I'm not sure we gave the pregnancy All the discussion it deserves.
But hopefully you're excited 'cause you should be.
'cause you knocked me up, you big stud.
Your big man seed is growing inside of me Taking root.
Thank you.
Have you heard from your father? No.
I thought he was at the gym with junior's dad.
Okay, I'll call miguel.
Mom, what's going on? No, nothing, just I-I haven't heard from him since I told him Told him what? That I'm pregnant.
- What?! Oh, my god! - I had no idea.
Con-- - Congratulations! - Cut it out.
Your mom told me you told her.
I told her not to say anything.
And I told you not to say anything.
You knew? I walked in on her sonogram-- Transvaginal.
I saw everything.
It was awful.
Well, thank you, junior.
Hey, honey, it's me.
Are you with dan? He was here an hour ago, but he ran away.
He ran away? What? He hit my car, Got out of his car, and then he started running.
And you just let him go? Yeah.
- Why? - Because I don't like him, remember? Honey, caroline is freaking out.
Go try and find him.
He could be anywhere.
Oh, come on, babe.
Don't make that face.
Still makin' it.
It's so unbelievable.
All I've been hearing about is how irresponsible I was.
Well, I guess it's My turn to say, "I am so disappointed in you.
"I expected more from you.
You still have your whole life ahead of you.
" Well, like, half, I guess.
Hey, any luck? Sorry, no sign of him anywhere.
Are you sure? Amor I've been all over the city.
Okay, honey, come on home.
I'm gonna try one more thing.
Taking you home.
Dan, get in the car! Look, you're not the only one Who's got a bunch of crap to deal with.
But your wife wants you to come home.
And for some reason, My wife thinks that's my problem.
So come on.
Let's go.
I'll let you hit me.
You get one shot.
Ha! That felt really good.
Okay, let's go home.
Wait! What? One more? Hell, no! Oh, come on, man.
My daughter is pregnant.
My wife is pregnant.
And for the next several decades, I got you to deal with.
It would really help me out if I could hit you again.
But only if I get a shot at you.
Let's do this.
Ha ha! You had enough? This isn't satisfying.
- You're a trained boxer.
I can't hurt you.
- No, you can't.
- Now let's get the hell outta here.
- Hold on! What?! One more shot - Each of us - You just said you can't hurt me.
In the balls.
You wanna punch me in the nuts so bad, That you're willing to get punched in the nuts to do it? You're telling me you don't feel the same way about me? - I'm in.
- Attaboy.
- Are you ready? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Why do you get to go first? - Because if you hit me first, I'm not gonna be in any position to hit you.
Wouldn't that be the same for me? I guess the guy who goes first does have a distinct advantage.
What if we both punch at the same time? That's good thinking.
All right.
All right, come on, cowboy.
One Two Three.
So worth it.
Look what I found.
Oh, thank god.
- Hey Thank god.
- Hey.
You're okay? I'm okay.
You? Hello in there.
Congratulations, dad.
Thanks, sweetheart.
That's a really big smell.
I'll address it.
Hey, why are you walking like that? Get used to it.
Don't worry.
- I won't tell Miguel you cried.
- Ah, it's okay.
He's seen me cry.