What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

Werewolf Feud

1 - [drumbeat] - [clapping] Fosse/Verdon.
All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows.
[bats squeal] LASZLO: I have recently rediscovered my love for topiary sculpture.
The art of bush manipulation.
We have Anubis, the Egyptian god of death.
Here is a chimera.
This one, I'm the most proud of.
This is the bunny, simply because it ended up exactly the same as I had in my head.
- And up here - SEAN: Yo, Laz! All right, Sean.
Bitch kicked me out again.
Can you believe it? She ought to strangle you to death with your own sphincter muscle.
- What did you just say? - I said something which you will heartily agree with.
[Sean laughs] Yeah, I hear that, bro.
That's-that's messed up.
Have a good night.
His wife will probably kill him.
Which leads me on to the fairer sex.
What you're about to see are the topiary representations of the vulvas of some of my favorite prostitutes and women I have loved.
Polly Nichols from Whitechapel, 1888.
Oh, that's my good lady wife Nadja.
Don't think she'd like you to see that, but who gives a fuck? [laughs] Beautiful.
That's Nancy Reagan at the end.
It's a bit untidy.
And here we have the pièce de résistance, my mother.
What the [sniffs] You're kidding.
[inhales] Ugh! That's werewolf piss.
Werewolf piss.
This box contains all my werewolf traps.
That's what we're looking for, the Wulfsfalle.
That'll do the business.
["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing] Don't sing if you want to live long They have no use for your song You're dead, you're dead, you're dead You're dead and out of this world Now your hope and compassion is gone You sold out your dream to the world Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead You're dead and out of this world.
COLIN: Am I a morning person? That would be an enthusiastic "yes.
" I really enjoy the mornings.
Let's see what Nandor's up to.
[singsongy]: Nandor? I wake up hungry, and I get to feed all day.
NANDOR: Go away, please, Colin Robinson.
Nandor, it's time to name that tune.
NANDOR: Guillermo, get him out of here! - Will you get out of here? - I made it up.
- NANDOR: Can't you see I am sleeping? - Please get out.
Get out.
That's what I call my "morning cup of coffee.
" Dan, how are you? Mornings are great for feeding.
People aren't really, you know, frustrated yet by the entire day.
If you don't want to have kids, then I would keep that phone in your pocket.
Arnie.
You know, I was thinking about the whole, uh, Q-tip debate that we've been having, and, you know, science says that you shouldn't stick anything smaller than your elbow into your ear.
Talk about damage to the ear canal.
- Am I not right? - I just can't.
Yeah, no, and, uh There's someone new in the office.
If you get 'em before this place grinds them down, you get so much fresh energy.
Knock, knock.
Let me be the ad hoc welcoming committee.
I am Colin Robinson.
You're gonna be hearing a lot more about me.
- Oh, probably not.
- Oh, no.
Nonsense.
People talk.
- Not to me, they don't.
- Look at that.
- Personalized nameplate, huh? - Yeah, I-I had it made because people don't usually remember my name.
Oh.
Since we're on friendly terms, let me give you a little advice.
The water fountain, I have reason to believe, is not filtered.
I wouldn't dare go by the water fountain.
What if everybody laughed? Wh-Why why would they do that? You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear a kind word.
I've been all alone since Mother died, so Oh.
I'm-I'm just talking to you.
I - There, there.
- Thank you.
- Talk later? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah, I said we would.
I'd love to chat later.
[banging] COLIN: Oh, what the hell was that? I didn't get anything from her.
Nothing.
I think there's something weird about Evie.
NADJA: This is mine and Laszlo's crypt.
I decorated it myself.
This one is a very special creature to me.
When I first met Laszlo, I was walking on the moors with him, and this owl flew over and scratched my head, and I said, "Kill that fucking bitch, please, Laszlo.
" If me and Laszlo were to have ever had a child, I like to imagine it would look like him.
Small and hard.
I hate this goat.
[werewolf howling] What is that? It's werewolf.
[howling continues] Coming from outside.
There's a bloody big werewolf on the lawn.
[chuckles] Quick.
- Ugh, ugh.
- Ew.
- Bloody big one.
- Quick, we need to get it inside.
- [scoffs] It stinks.
- [groaning] - [growling] - Why is its foot in a trap? - NADJA: Laszlo, did you lay a trap? - NANDOR: What? LASZLO: No, no, nothing to do with me.
Let's just get it - off the grass.
- NANDOR: It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
The neighbors, - the neighbors.
- LASZLO: Shh.
He's losing conscious.
- NANDOR: Go to sleep now.
- LASZLO: That's it, that's it.
- Go to sleep, - [werewolf whimpering] - Mr.
Werewolf.
- LASZLO: That's it.
- NANDOR: Okay, this way.
Go, go.
- [gagging] - NADJA: The boy should be helping.
- NANDOR: He is helping.
NANDOR: Where do we take it, the basement? LASZLO: Fancy room.
NANDOR: But we just spring-cleaned.
Master, is it safe to be this close to it? Probably not, Guillermo.
Well, when it wakes up, won't it kill me? Yes, probably.
But we have more important things to talk about.
We need to get rid of him.
And when I say get rid of him, I mean pfft! No! The werewolf lives.
Otherwise we endanger the sanctity of the Truce.
- The Truce? - Ah, the Truce.
I hate the Truce.
NANDOR: For tens upon tens of years, the vampire and werewolf communities live in a wary peace because of the Truce.
Vampire does not harm werewolf, so long as werewolf doesn't interfere with any vampire shit.
His friends might know he's here.
Which means all of his friends will come and visit him.
Okay, let us put a muzzle on him, take him to a park, tie him to a bench.
He's waking up.
He's waking up! [grunting] Oh, God.
Why do you guys have a werewolf trap? I mean, a normal trap on your lawn? NADJA: We know you're a big bloody werewolf.
I saw you screeching and scratching around the garden like a big, disgusting wet dog.
- Yeah, so the game's up, you bastard.
- [groans] Luckily for you guys, I have incredible healing abilities.
[groans] I'm already recovering completely.
Ow! [grunts loudly] - He's gonna shit.
- Oh, no.
When my werewolf brethren and sisteren find out about this, they will not be happy.
[howls] LASZLO: Ah, shit.
- He's broken the bloody window.
- [groans] My other leg! This is bad.
This is very bad.
- Yes, this is very bad.
- [werewolf laughing] I'm coming back with the pack.
And by then, I'll be 100% healed.
Don't worry about that.
Ow! - He could've killed me.
- Possibly, but you know, - these things happen.
- [werewolf continues shouting] Hey, Kamal.
Put on a little weight this weekend, no? [mouths] Hey, Jeannie.
Ooh.
Man, what's an antonym for "jealous"? 'Cause that's how I feel about your workload [laughing]: right now.
[mouths] Arnie.
You're gonna kill me, but I think I am going to change my position on the whole Q-tip conundrum that we had.
- Arnie, are you even listening to me? - Huh, Colin? Sorry.
I was talking to the new girl.
She told me the saddest story about her nephew.
Born with his eyeballs facing backwards.
So can he see his brains? I think the new girl is an emotional vampire.
They're an advanced form of energy vampire.
But instead of frustrating the people around them for energy, they feed off of pity.
Look at her.
There's not gonna be anything left when she's done with Dave, I'll tell you that much.
This whole damn office is empty.
Evie.
E.
V.
Emotional vamp Oh, hell.
[hissing] It's on, Evie Russell.
Oh, it's on.
Biff! Hey.
Hey, Biff.
Could I have a word with you? Biff, just a second, Biff.
- Just gonna use the bathroom first.
- Quick question about EVIE: Biff, I had a Actually, - I had a quick question.
- [hisses] Biff, we need to discuss BIFF: Can this wait till we get out of the bathroom? EVIE: 'Cause it's kind of feminine-related.
- Uh, Biff, you're gon [hisses] - I can't exact - Biff, Biff, Biff.
- Biff, I can't exactly - Hold on, hold on.
- BIFF: Oh, man! Biff, I-I think my dog might be autistic, - and I need a shoulder to cry on.
- Biff.
- Please, Biff.
- BIFF: What is happening, Colin? COLIN: What do you think of the new toilet paper in here? - I was wondering Let go! - BIFF: This is crazy.
COLIN: Oh, you don't use, uh, toilet paper liner, huh? Biff, I just need to talk to you, please.
COLIN: Not a seat protector dude, huh? I'm just so sad, and I don't know what to do.
BIFF: I'm not feeling well.
I-I I feel really weak.
[thud] COLIN: You know, the Greek phrasing for "coma" - is "deep sleep.
" - [elevator bell dings] Poor Biff.
LASZLO: One, two, three silver bullets.
How are we gonna kill a whole wolf pack with just three silver bullets? It's worse than that we don't even have a gun.
No gun? - [howling] - The wolf pack.
She is here.
[whimpers] LASZLO: What the blazes? Look, two werewolves, as bold as brass.
And I can even sense one behind me.
NADJA: She's emptying her wolf snatch all over the bushes! All right, you've made your point.
Let's call this a night.
[chuckles]: Oh, no.
We're just getting started.
Way to go, Deb.
Good, strong stream.
ANGE: Yeah.
We had the piss.
Now we need the blood.
Someone's finally speaking my language.
- [hissing] - Get ready to start speaking it our your butt, you Sense and Sensibility bitch.
- ARJAN: Ange, Ange, Ange.
- What-what are we doing? You're ramping it up pretty quick here.
Let's build up.
Let's build up to something.
What I don't understand is why you texted us all, woke us up and told us to come here to what, just piss on everything? - Are we gonna get on with this? - Lack of organization, man.
I'm just gonna need a second here.
You're doing it again.
You're undermining me.
No, you made us look like turds, man.
[overlapping arguing] Can you stop crying on my lawn, please? - Let's talk about it later.
- Okay.
Let's do it later.
[growling] At last.
Give me some space.
You'll need more than space, me old chap.
NADJA: Go on, Laszlo.
[growling] - Oh, no.
- [groans] Not my bunny.
Look.
No, that's my rabbit.
That's my best one.
- My sciatica.
- Don't worry, darling.
[growling, hissing] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Here comes the party poop.
You can't be fighting with werewolves on the lawn.
You'll alert the human neighbors.
And there's a bus stop outside the house.
Well, don't appear as a mist on the lawn, then, you prick.
What the hell's going on over there, Laz? Nothing, Sean.
Everything's all right on this lawn.
Just how I like it.
And I'm going inside.
LASZLO: It's just the neighbor.
Carry on.
If we are to battle, we must follow the protocols.
Of course we're gonna follow the protocols.
- To the protocols.
- Sure.
And now there's lots of dogs going in my house.
NANDOR: Shit, have you got a key? [hisses] [exhales] It's very tense.
Vampires, werewolves, give me a moment to find the relevant passage.
So, are all you werewolves Indians? - Oh, here we go again.
- Fucking Twilight.
No, we're not all Indians.
In fact well, I'm an Indian.
But that's because my father's from India.
I think you're not even talking about that kind of Indian, though.
I think you're talking about a Native American, - like Marcus.
- Yeah, but I'm not a werewolf - because I'm Native American.
- ARJAN: That's right.
All right? It's not an ethnic thing.
- That's one guy.
- MARCUS: We're all different.
- I'm African-American.
- That's right.
- ALL: Oh.
- ANGE: Yeah.
I'm Caribbean-Canadian.
Saskatoon, motherfucker.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
- I'm Caucasian.
- That's-that's right.
- That's Chad.
- NANDOR: If anyone is interested, - I have found the - LASZLO: Yes, get on with this.
Relevant passage for [clears throat] This was written in 1993.
- Wow.
- And it states, "Should a werewolf pack have a beef with a vampire house" That's us.
"the two groups shall not battle, "but elect from amongst them "their strongest fighter.
"The two fighters will face off - "in one-on-one combat - No.
On neutral ground.
" Okay.
Staten Island Werewolf Support Group.
- [group howling] - [vampires groaning] Uh, vampires in this room.
[group hissing] NANDOR: Not you, Guillermo.
[vampires continue hissing] COLIN: It's on, Evie Russell.
Oh, it's on.
- Evie Russell.
- Colin Robinson.
- Working late? - I have to.
I'm behind.
I like your skirt.
You should be careful, because mauve attracts bees.
I was wearing this skirt when my sister got her cancer diagnosis.
Cancer isn't usually what kills you.
It's the treatment.
She was killed by a drunk driver.
He was my fiancé.
Violence often begins at home.
Studies indicate - I've never had a home! - [groans] Remind me to e-mail you a link to a Slate article on the millennial housing crisis.
[groans] I don't use e-mail ever since my computer was hacked and my identity was stolen.
Hackers, featuring Johnny Lee Miller and Fisher Stevens, is one of the few movies from 1995 that still holds up! [gasps] I was held up at gunpoint while waiting in line to see that movie.
But they didn't take any money.
They just did it for fun! [both screaming] [bats squeaking] Human form.
Come on! [snarling] We're five minutes early.
COLIN: You know we don't have to be enemies.
Have you ever considered hunting with a partner? The thought has only recently crossed my mind.
Rhonda.
I was wondering if you could settle a bet.
Tonight is a good night to die.
Oh, I don't want you to die, Master.
Not me to die, - the other guy to die.
- Oh.
Maybe don't say it like that.
Okay.
Tonight is a good night for the other guy, - not me, to die.
- [door bangs open] [gasps] They're here.
Sorry we're late.
Sorry we're late.
Bridge was a nightmare.
Hello, mongrels.
[hisses] - You haunted house bitch! - [gasps] We meet on the roof of this abandoned Circuit City in accordance with the protocols of the Staten Island Lycanthrope-Vampire Agreement of 1993.
And so it begins.
Have you chosen your champion? Oh, yeah.
- We chose Toby.
- [werewolves murmuring] - Oh, that is a very big one.
- I don't remember this one.
Is he a new one? ANGE: Oh, he's a new gigantic werewolf.
This isn't even full-size.
- This is just, like, regular Toby.
- NANDOR: Ah He-he gets like this big.
LASZLO: Yeah, well, we've got our own champion.
He goes by the name of Nandor the Relentless.
- Hi.
- And he's going to mess you up, [mocking]: Toby.
- [laughs] - Don't antagonize him, Nadja.
You desecrated my vulva garden.
Namely, my mother's vulva.
You turned it brown and wizened.
NADJA: You made it look like his sister's vulva.
LASZLO: Exactly.
What type of man would endure such an insult from a pack of filthy werewolf scum? [werewolves groaning, angry muttering] ARJAN: This is what I'm talking about.
- Let's throw down already.
- I'll throw you down.
Sure thing, Downton Abbey, I'll knock you out.
[scoffs] ARJAN: Okay, let's just take things down a notch and then fight to the death.
Ah, I don't know.
Is this turkey cut freshly from the breast? Or is it a preprocessed roll? All of our meats are actually freshly sliced.
Hmm.
I prefer the roll.
Please don't start.
I don't want to get into another argument in public right now.
We got married out of convenience.
I have Munchausen's by proxy.
I tell people he's sick so I feel better.
But then I do get sick.
And when I do get sick, people don't believe that I'm sick.
Because they know she does Munchausen by proxy all the time.
Do you guys want to eat your food? BOTH: We're feeding right now.
Vampires and werewolves.
This is a fight that has been fought with honor for a thousand I say a thousand years.
- And tonight - [liquid spattering] I'm not gonna do this if your man's pissing against the wall.
- Fuck off, you racist.
- ANGE: Okay, no.
No more bullshit.
We fight.
- I agree with the werewolf slut.
- Thank you.
- ARJAN: Do it, Toby.
Do it.
- ANGE: It's all you, man.
- [murmuring] - LASZLO: I'd say surrender, but it's my mother's vulva we're talking about.
- NANDOR: He's quite big.
- Come on, Toby, yeah! NADJA: Come on, Nandor, you can do it.
We need a new rug for the house.
- LASZLO: Yeah.
- NADJA: I thought you messy beasts didn't do this until there was a full moon.
This guy, he just pictures the moon.
He's got a great imagination.
- Yeah, Toby! - [others murmuring] ARJAN: All right, don't worry, I got that.
It's not a naked fight, is it? Don't think so, no.
- [Toby roaring] - [moaning] Uh LASZLO: You know, we could just What about Gizmo? - LASZLO: Shh! - ARJAN: Who? Champions, choose your weapons.
No silver.
I will let my esteemed challenger choose first.
- [roaring] - [moaning] He chooses teeth and claws.
Oh, he's gonna claw that dildo right off your head, man.
- Uh, hey.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I will choose Nunchucks, scimitar this! - ARJAN: What is it? - [growling] - NADJA: Oh, no.
- LASZLO: Oh, no.
- NADJA: Nandor.
- [squeaking] - Hey! - What? No! Toby, no! ANGE: No, Toby! - ARJAN: Oh, oh, God.
Toby.
- CHAD: What the hell? That's cheating! - LASZLO: Well played.
- [whimpering] - MARCUS: Oh oh, no.
- ANGE: Toby, man.
- MARCUS: Oh, God.
- ARJAN: Don't worry, Toby, - you're gonna heal up just fine, pal.
- Did I win? I think I won.
ARJAN: Whatever.
I guess this one goes - to the vampires, then.
- Okay.
Can you leave us to lick our wounds? - LASZLO: Okay.
- Tob Toby, don't lick your wounds.
- LASZLO: Bat.
- See you back at home.
- No, please don't - [bats squeaking] ARJAN: It looks honestly, it looks better than it did - five minutes ago already.
- DOUGIE: Come on, Toby.
You'll get through this, and then we'll take that trip to Saskatoon we've been talking about.
ARJAN: Hey! - Hey.
- Oh, hey, man.
You think we could keep the bone? - Yeah.
Yeah.
That-that's okay.
- Yeah? Okay, cool.
Cool, guys.
All right, guys, spread out.
Let's find that son of a bitch.
ANGE: Mind where you're walking.
If you hear a squeak, you may have stepped on the toy.
ARJAN: I'll stay with Toby.
He's gonna be fine.
- He's healing already.
- [indistinct chatter] COLIN: Dating Evie is never dull.
She certainly knows how to get people's attention.
- [moans] - Evie.
COLIN: Whether it be fainting or car troubles.
A lot of things happen to her and her cat.
Someone EVIE: As many of you know, I've been paying out of pocket for my cat's glaucoma treatment, and the expenses have entirely wiped my savings.
COLIN: Since I've met her, she's had at least six pairs of grandparents die.
Looks like I'm gonna be sleeping in my cubicle - until further notice.
- No I asked my boyfriend, Colin, if I could stay with him.
ARNIE: What did he say? EVIE: He said he's not ready f-for that.
ARNIE: Oh, my God.
EVIE: I haven't used that credit card in six months.
I'll call you back.
Oh.
- Hi, Evie.
- Hi.
[chuckles] Um, listen, these last few weeks have been wonderful.
I, uh I didn't know I could feel such depth of emotion.
Or utter, utter suffering.
But I don't think this is healthy.
- Oh, Colin.
- I-I'm sorry.
I wish you nothing but continued success feeding on the addle-brained cattle that waste their lives around us, but I can't be around us any-anymore.
If you leave me, I'll [sniffles] I'll kill myself.
I'll do it.
I don't have anything to live for if I don't have you.
That's not true.
You do, Evie.
You have so much more life to take out of these morons.
Come here, we'll figure this out.
Y-You couldn't help yourself, could you? I just wanted one last taste.
Goodbye, Evie Russell.
Goodbye, Colin Robinson.
Colin, don't leave me.
I'm just kidding, you can Colin.
You can go.
Please.
But Hi.
I'm sorry, my boyfriend just broke up with me.
[sniffles] Yes, I'm calling about my dry cleaning.
- [whistles] - There we are, Mother.
You're looking beautiful again.
Or, as Beethoven used to say, "Die Busche werden sich nicht schneiden.
" These bushes won't trim themselves.
But there, again He was always saying shit like that.
Please turn to me More and more You are the one That I adore Little sad eyes Don't be lonely anymore Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Little sad eyes Don't be lonely anymore.
I'm what's known as a psychic or energy vampire.
- We either bore you - I'm better now.
I was a little sick this weekend.
Or we enrage you.
[sharpener grinding] ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows, all new Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.