What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

Baron's Night Out

1 NANDOR: Guillermo, I want you to go tomorrow, and I want you to get some of those things that humans use for smelling.
Rhymes with "hoses.
" Noses? NANDOR: No.
It's a green, spiky stick.
You know, with the colors on the top.
You got the red.
"I love you.
- Here's some " - Roses.
NANDOR: Roses, yes.
The Baron's attic has got a bit of a dank whiff.
Since the Baron arrived, things have been very stressful.
That's our familiar.
NANDOR: He's staying in our attic at the moment, and that's a lot of storage space that we-we can't use.
When is he going to leave, anyway? Shh, Nadja! Guillermo.
Well, pull it, then.
- NADJA: Oh! - Too loud! - He needs to pipe down with that.
- Yes.
- When will he leave? - Shh.
Nadja, you must keep your voice down, my darling.
Oh, for goodness' sake, I'm not scared of him.
- Oh The Baron has awakened? Sorry, was that a yes? - LASZLO: Was it a nod? - No, I asked and she went, she went and did this.
That is a nod, I've seen her do it before.
What, this? Like this? - He's awake.
- COLIN: He's awake.
: Oh, he's awake.
All right, I-I can feel his energy, it's very dark and angry, and I think it's pointed at you guys.
Hate to be you guys.
Don't sing if you want to live long They have no use for your song You're dead, you're dead, you're dead You're dead and out of this world Now your hope and compassion is gone You sold out your dream to the world Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead You're dead and out of this world.
In Europe, a couple of centuries ago, the Baron was a fun guy.
And we got up to some very messy business together.
- Yes.
- Problem is, he's turned up recently with what only can be described as pretty old-fashioned ideas.
He's obsessed with the idea of vampires taking over all humans, which, at first, you're like, "Oh, that's a cool idea," but then, after a while, it's like, "Sorry, why are we doing this?" Yeah.
You can bet your balls he's gonna be furious we haven't come up with a conquering plan.
NANDOR: Maybe he's not angry.
Maybe he's just wanting a chat? Get up with the latest vampire gossip.
- That's highly unlucky, Nandor.
The man's a fucking psychopath.
I think he's going to kill us all.
That's more likely.
Baron, we are here.
But there's really no need for any kind of grand entrance.
Or j-just do your bit that's fine, too.
In nomine Patris My slumber is [DISTORTED.]
: complete.
Uh, we weren't sure that you wanted us to conquer the whole of North America, or just, you know, maybe a couple streets? [DISTORTED.]
: Silence! I have heard so much of the wonders of this New World, yet I have seen of it not but this attic.
Uh, would you like us to get you a TV? No.
I want to see the sights.
- I want a night on the town.
A night on the town? Really? I mean, won't that be a bit difficult with your, um ? [GRUNTS.]
You were saying? [STRAINS.]
: No, but I'm sure we can help you fit in.
- Ah, relax.
This is going to be fun.
Oh, that's the documentary crew.
We are so sorry that our houseguest ate your sound recordist.
NADJA: This what is this "conquering America" stuff? He's going to get us killed.
Not unless he tries to kill us himself first.
He threw me straight across the room.
Most importantly, we are [DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE.]
that he ate your sound recordist.
Wasn't very cool.
We'll, uh, we'll make sure we look after you people.
And how are we going to do that? [WHISPERS.]
: I don't know, uh NADJA: Of course it's a trap.
Why would the Baron want to go on a night out? Because he wants to know how much of America we've conquered.
And when he finds out that we've just conquered our street and part of Ashley Street, he's going to kill us.
But if we seriously think he's gonna "quack" us - NADJA: Which we do.
- then we should "quack" him first.
You want us to quack him? If you think he's gonna "whack" us first, yes.
Laszlo, be quiet.
We will not discuss this any further.
It is the greatest violation of the unnatural order by which we live.
- Also, can he even die? - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- NADJA: Oh, my - [SHOUTS.]
NANDOR: You happy now? You just scared the shit out of all three of us? Hmm? You don't knock anymore? Is this the new you? Hmm? Sorry, I just wanted to inform you that the Baron's ready.
- Oh.
- NADJA: God He's really terrifying.
Yes, okay, well, we all are, we are vampires.
Well - [HISSES.]
- Eh.
Get out.
We shall call this night Operation Accidentally Kill the Baron.
Absolutely not.
At least think of a different name.
This conversation never happened.
: She keeps looking at me.
Don't look at her.
Bloody hell, he's wearing two ruffs.
- Let our grand evening on the town commence.
- NADJA: Yes! Very good.
Yes, uh, this is what you're going to wear? Is it not right? Y-Yes, I mean, you look the dog's knackers.
But, um, where we come from, two ruffs means you're up for anything.
Uh, it's best just to kind of blend in like like we are now.
Yes, I see.
I want to walk amongst the commoners unnoticed.
- NADJA: Yes.
- A prince amongst paupers.
- NADJA: Yes, very good.
Very good.
- NANDOR: Exactly.
Two ruffs don't make a right.
Colin Robinson.
Oh, wow.
Uh hello.
NANDOR: You wouldn't happen to have any human-type clothes to lend to the Baron? Uh, yeah, I-I could scrounge something up.
What size are you? Mm, this size.
And what kind of vibe are-are you going for? Jeans, T-shirt? Are you a jeans and T-shirt type of guy? Probably not shorts.
Um, maybe some cords, some w-wale cords.
He is not coming along, is he? I will take care of it.
Oh, okay.
But don't make a big thing out of it.
- Mm? - Okay.
LASZLO: Vampires have hidden amongst humans for millennia.
There are some in the community that believe that vampires should rule the world.
One such person is the Baron.
And he's become a massive prick.
Absolutely agree.
LASZLO: Which is ironic, because he doesn't have one.
Where is he? He was right behind us.
- NANDOR: He's going to frighten the townspeople.
- Oh.
- LASZLO: Um - MAN: Holy shit.
A lot of these buildings are, uh, are taverns, - or bars as they call them.
- NADJA: Don't mind him.
- WOMAN: Did you see that? - Why are these pedestrians - making rictus faces at us? - MAN 2: Oh, my God.
Devils suck, man.
- We are vampires! Shh! What are you doing? He is literally going around, telling everyone, "Nice to meet you, I am vampire.
" And, you know, there's only so many times you can say that he's joking, because look at his face.
- Yo, Laz.
Whoa - [LOW GROWL.]
I was just, uh, stocking upon some brews for the big game.
Who is this guy? [GROANING.]
NADJA: No, no, no.
This is our neighbor Sean, sire.
NANDOR: He brings our trash cans in when we forget them.
What the fuck? How did he ? LASZLO: Shut up.
You won't remember anything from the last five minutes.
Yo, Laz, Nadja.
I was just going to stock up on some more brews.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
LASZLO: No, no, no, no BARON: We will fill this place with the carcasses of the conquered.
Some humans will become slaves.
The rest, food.
: Pharmacy, pick up line three, please.
Pharmacy, line three.
He's as mad as a wax banana.
- He's a fucking liability.
- I think it might be better if he dies.
How about we just put his coffin on a nice, long ocean journey? Look at this wonderful talisman.
- Whoop.
Need I haggle with the proprietor? - Just put it in your pocket.
- Hmm.
It is done.
BARON: Let us see, what to drink.
What to [GASPS.]
- LASZLO: Oh, no, no.
NANDOR: Oh, give him a nice hug from us.
- Is he okay? I - NADJA: Ha, ha.
Whoa, dear.
The Baron is being very loud and obvious and vampirey and reckless.
He had a very high alcohol content.
Do you think maybe we should move the body? Now he's just gone up to a drunk man and he's drunk the drunk man's blood that has made him drunk.
That's a Just a little dizzy.
- A little dizzy, little dizzy.
I am better.
Back in the saddle.
The drinking saddle! That was bollocks.
We need you now You people are as much fun as the plague.
Remember the plague? And how much fun it was? That's this.
- Let's liven this place up.
- Not too lively.
It's very important to just blend in and go with the flow.
Or we could do shots.
Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots.
LASZLO: For God's sake.
Oh, who wants a shot? [SNARLS.]
We could do shots.
Just a minute.
- And I said, "No, how do you like your stakes?" And pushed it right through his stupid heart.
You know I'm not really a baron.
: Yes, you are.
You're the Baron.
No, I am not.
It was a nickname.
To tease me.
Barren, B-A-R-R-E-N.
Because I cannot sire offspring due to my lack of genitals.
- Hello whoop! - There it isn't.
NADJA: I like it.
All I ever wanted was a child of my own.
Well, I don't know, Baron.
Maybe we could be your children.
- NADJA: Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Also, maybe you want to pull your pants back up now or ? Hmm? Oh, of course.
NADJA: The Baron, he told us very sad story.
We might not kill him now no, not going to kill him.
BARON: It's just hard.
I used to derive such pleasure from killing, but now it's just a thing I do because why? Because I've always done it, I guess? And these dark rages that overtake me, oh, my mind is devouring itself.
Aw We're all going through shit.
It's hard doing what we do.
BARON: You know this is going to sound odd, but I was thinking of killing all of you tonight.
- NADJA: Ah.
- Yeah, yeah, I was.
Guess what.
We were going to kill you tonight, too.
NANDOR: We were going to kill you! [LAUGHING.]
: It was, it was Laszlo's idea.
- Yeah, it was.
He had the stake, - the - [LAUGHTER STOPS.]
stake I beg your pardon? NANDOR: Uh LASZLO: He was just joking, it was, it was just an idea that we were kicking upstream.
NANDOR: Was more of a "what if" situation.
Like, "What if?" and then "No.
" Shut up.
You "kicked upstream" the idea of killing me? As a joke.
Nothing more.
NADJA: Just a a laugh.
NANDOR: Nothing happened.
LASZLO: Oh - Your faces! - Oh, the Baron - Oh - You shithead.
BARON: Oh, I am proud of you.
If I were you, I would have done the same thing.
BARON: Where is next? You know what I have always wanted to try? - Coprophilia.
- No.
Pizza pie.
Is it as wonderful as they sa ? Coprophilia? Sire, this is an even worse idea than when we tried to invade Vienna.
It's certainly going to make you very ill.
I'm having pizza pie.
Oh, no, no, no.
The garlic burnt a little, but [RETCHES.]
Down he goes.
- NANDOR: He's up again.
NADJA: The Baron has eaten some human food and now his body is being propelled around by his own vomit.
- LASZLO: Is he all right? - NANDOR: Now, where's he going? NADJA: So, that's what's happening right now.
- LASZLO: There he is.
- NADJA: Ooh.
Totally worth it.
I I'm alive I'm alive.
We drank the blood of some people, but the people were on drugs and now I am a wizard.
The Baron is, is very, actually great man I drank the drug blood.
Yes, I drank some drug blood.
We drank we've done some drug blood.
BARON: It is the time Of the season When the love runs high It is the time That's the Baron I remember.
Having a really great time, but it's almost sunup.
I think we should leave soon, otherwise we're gonna be fried.
It's the time of the season For loving Ah.
Laszlo, can you see if they have "Girl in the Village with the One Small Foot" by Vasilios the Balladeer? - Yep.
- Never mind.
I'll sing a cappella.
- LASZLO: Okay.
There was a girl in the village She had one very small foot Did she lose her foot in the well? - It is time to return to our den.
- No one knows - No one knows - Party's over.
: I said we are leaving! [FEEDBACK.]
- NANDOR: We should go.
- LASZLO: Yeah, yeah.
- NADJA: The sun is coming.
NANDOR: The door's stuck again.
Everyone, quickly, the sun is coming.
- Par-tay! - Come on.
Just one foot at a time, Baron.
COLIN: Someone sure had a good time, huh? NADJA: Colin Robinson, we missed you.
- BARON: Hi.
- What? What-What's wrong with you? We are on drugs.
Have you partaken of the pizza pie? [GROUP LAUGHING.]
NANDOR: I can do this, I can do this.
: Oh, no, the sunlight.
- Laszlo! Careful.
Be careful.
- Oh - Oh, man.
BARON: Look at this wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! No, the sunlight.
I'm so scared.
No, no, no, Baron.
- Baron - No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, go easy.
It's dangerous, man.
He's being an idiot.
Come on, Baron.
You're a bunch of pussies [YELPS.]
: See what you've done.
- Did you see that? - You hurt yourself.
- Come on, Baron.
- Put your night skirts on - and go to coffin.
- BARON: All right, okay, - okay, okay.
- Go to coffin, Baron.
Thing off, I don't know how to work this.
- Oh ah! LASZLO: Oh, shit.
LASZLO: Baron? Well, that was unexpected.
Uh, oh oh oh aw Hello.
- NADJA: Shit.
- LASZLO: Shit.
- Is he dead? - Oh, no.
Just a little sore.
Oh, God Oh.
Oh lucky I missed these wooden stakes.
He's safe.
I am okay.
What's that smell? Hey, I got the rose [WHISPERS.]
: Fuck.
Oh - Wow.
Oh, shit.
Let's go sunning It's so good for you Let's go sunning 'Neath the sky of blue Greet the sun every morn Feel as free and happy as the day you were born Let's go native Sun your cares away, be creative Learn to live and play Pretty flowers need the sun This applies to everyone Happiness to everyone So let's go sunning.

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