What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s01e08 Episode Script

Citizenship

1 NADJA: I have given a strange girl the most beautiful gift The gift of becoming a vampiric bloodsucking creature of the shadows.
Did you see that? NADJA: She has not yet blossomed into her full vampiric state, but I think she is on her way.
(QUIETLY): Oh, what the hell is happening to me? (TAKES DEEP BREATH) JENNA: Sorry if I don't seem up to my normal self.
I just I've just been going through changes.
(HISSING) Having crazy dreams.
Like, super weird.
My friends have noticed.
(GRUNTS) Mood swings.
Unusual cravings.
- (CREATURE SQUEALS) - (HISSES) I'm usually a flexatarian.
Who else? Michelangelo Buonarroti.
- (HISSING) - Michelangelo JENNA: I've developed an eye sensitivity and skin sensitivity.
- And sometimes - (WHIMPERING) sometimes I have this urge to tear my roommate to shreds.
("YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING) Don't sing if you want to live long They have no use for your song You're dead, you're dead, you're dead You're dead and out of this world Now your hope and compassion is gone You sold out your dream to the world Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead You're dead and out of this world.
NANDOR: Thank you all for coming to this house meeting.
I must remind everyone that if you are gonna entice a victim into the house and then you let them live, show them out.
- Loud and clear.
- Fair enough.
- It's common courtesy.
- NADJA: All right.
Yes.
- It is.
- It is.
Also, is it possible, for when you leave the house, to blow out the candles? - Observe.
- (BLOWS) Simple as that.
Major catastrophe - averted.
- LASZLO: What is that disgusting, putrefied smell? Like a snake in heat? That may be me.
I'm wearing a new cologne called "Mr.
Hijinks".
- NANDOR: Okay, great.
I am - Aftershave? COLIN: It's a cologne-aftershave mix and I found it in the bathroom at work.
NANDOR: Eh, great.
Can we just not talk about the cologne anymore, please? - Why would you use a cologne? - NANDOR: Shush! To annoy you.
- Touché.
- NANDOR: Please, I am speaking here! And when I was the leader of my country, I would kill anyone who disrespected me when I'm talking about candles.
You were the leader of a country? Yes.
I was the leader of Al Quolanudar.
That sounds like you just made it up.
- COLIN: Sounds fake.
- No, I have not just made it up.
It's a real country.
It's not a fake country, it's a real country.
Al Quolanudar.
- Bless you.
- NANDOR: Guillermo, go on your intelligent telephone machine and l-look it up.
GUILLERMO: Spell that A - A-L.
New word.
- Uh-huh.
- I've got it.
- NANDOR: Oh, great! Uh, how-how's it doing? Not so hot.
It's dissolved.
- Wha When did this happen? - 1401.
(WHIMPERS) NANDOR: To find out that your country has not existed since 1401 is a pretty sudden shock.
It was my home.
Yes, I was driven out for pillaging and killing and torturing, and that's fair enough, really.
But now what do I have? Nowhere is my home.
- Aah! - (HISSING) (SUCKS TEETH) NADJA: It is very disgusting for me to see this little one like this.
She is like a disabled, very sickly donkey that you want to smash in the skull because it is just too pitiful to look at.
Eh, I suppose I was not much different when I first became a vampire.
No one had had "the talk" with me about my unholy transition.
I had had no one to guide me.
(HISSING) (GROANS) This is a bag of soil from my homeland that I take with me when I travel.
'Tis all that is left of Al Quolanudar.
Al Quolanudar! Al Quolanudar Shit.
(CAR ALARM CHIRPS) (GROWLING) Oh, my God! Forget it.
What? You are released.
I'm not hungry.
It's just I just found out that my country doesn't exist anymore and I'm really depressed about it.
And I've lost my appetite.
You don't want to hear about all this.
- Y-You were running away.
- W Are you okay? It's kind of you to ask, but really, you go.
Flee.
Flee! Master, are you all right? I have no country.
I have no home.
What? No, this is your home.
And this is your country.
No, it's not and it's not.
Well, maybe you'd feel better if you were an American citizen? - Is that possible? - Of course.
Yes.
I will make an alliance with this unholy nation and make this place my home! There you go.
I think that's a bus stop there.
I'll see you back at home.
(SQUEAKING) Yeah, it's become pretty clear to me - that I'm turning into a vampire.
- I bit your neck.
I made you drink my blood.
What did you think I was doing? I don't know.
I-I just didn't think vampires existed and (SCOFFS) You are giving me sarcasm? (LAUGHS) I-I enjoy.
(LAUGHS) Am I gonna feel like crap for all eternity? Darling, you feel like crap because you are eating crap.
You are living like a little chimney boy.
If you want to be a powerful, strong vampire, you just have to complete your transition.
- How do I do that? - Darling, it's nothing.
You just got to drink some human blood, baby.
That's all.
I am going to teach you how to kill.
Okay, is there any way I could just drink their blood, - but not kill them? - Shh.
You just shut up now, my stupid little baby.
Okay.
GUILLERMO: So I promised to help my master - apply for citizenship.
- NANDOR: Yes? Ah, Guillermo.
Excellent.
I called Immigration, and you are eligible for citizenship.
- You actually started the process, - Great.
But you didn't finish.
I didn't? No.
1992.
I did apply for my American citizenship back in 1992.
For five reasons and five reasons only: Johnson, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, Ewing.
The starting lineup for the 1992 U.
S.
Olympic men's basketball team.
- The Dream Team, baby.
- I got the moves I call this my Dunk Zone.
They were merciless.
Titans amongst men.
Conquerors of the court.
I simply had to pledge my undying allegiance to their nation.
GUILLERMO: Well, what happened in 1992? Why didn't you complete the process? Probably because the Macarena swept the nation.
So I didn't really have time for anything else.
Okay, every vampire has their own special power.
So, we need to work out what yours is, so you can trap and kill your first human meal.
I can fold my tongue like a taco.
What's that? Oh, no.
No.
Let's try You seduce me.
I am just stupid human man.
Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls.
I'd love to drink beer.
- Okay.
- Bite your lip seductively.
(LIP CRUNCHES) - Ow.
- Okay.
Maybe seduction isn't your special power.
Well, what's your power? I am an excellent crawler.
- You can see.
- Oh.
(QUIETLY): Oh, she can do everything.
Come on, try it.
Maybe you're a creepy crawler like me.
Darling, it's very easy, you just scratch up the wall.
That's right.
Come on.
That's it.
You're doing (SCREAMS, GRUNTS) - Oh, no, are you okay? - (GROANS) What the hell is going on? What's all this mess and what are you doing up there? Calm down, Laszlo.
I was just teaching the little stupid baby vampire how to crawl.
- Who? - Jenna.
- Who's Jenna? - She's right there.
Oh, right, I didn't see you.
She should be in a bloody cage.
- (GASPS) Laszlo.
- (HISSES) (BOTH HISSING) JENNA: That's a horrible thing to say.
Ah, see what you've done.
Ruined her confidence.
(HISSES) (DOOR SLAMS) - Damn.
- Idiot.
(HISSES) GUILLERMO: Okay, just imagine we're at the Immigration office and I'll be the government official.
When and where were you born? Al Quolanudar.
Eh, 1262.
And where is that? Southern Iran.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe not mention Iran.
Why did you leave your country? Standard reasons.
Uh, driven out by peasants.
How many times have you been married? - Just the once.
- Okay.
To 37 women.
- (KNOCKING) - NADJA: Jenna, Laszlo is very sorry and he has something to say.
I say, little vampire, I'm very sorry for saying you should be kept in a cage.
All of my knowledge and the best of my abilities will turn you into the most impressive vampire there is.
(WHISPERS): Yes! Hello.
- Really? - Absolutely.
Who is George Washington? - George Washington? - Yes.
America's first gay president.
I don't think that George Washington was actually Yes.
- Hello, Nandor! - Hello.
Is that that virgin girl? Hi.
Is she a vampire now? Well, she's got fangs and the white pale face It's a pretty major clue.
(SIGHS) Anyway, which one is better: alt-right or Antifa? I'm trying to decide which team to join GUILLERMO: I just, uh, found out that Nadja has turned someone Someone so random, it's crazy, like, it's crazy Into a vampire.
(MUFFLED SHRIEKING) The transformation into a bat is probably the most important thing - a vampire can do.
- NADJA: Yes.
Do you have somewhere that I could put my clothes? - No, no, no.
Don't do that.
- Wait, what are you doing? If I'm gonna be a bat, then don't I have to get nak Where do my clothes go? Huh.
Um let's not get bogged down in the details.
- Keep your clothes on for now.
- Oh, okay.
Right.
When I turn into a bat, there's no real skill to it at all.
I just shout "bat!" (SQUEAKING) Human form! - Much like that.
- Oh, wow.
Your turn.
Okay.
(EXHALES) Bat! (HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING) Oh.
Ooh.
NADJA: It's okay.
Calm down and just stop screaming.
- Terrifying.
- What the heck? - What would you even call that? - I don't know.
"We, the people" We, the people - "We, the" - (LOUD THUD) - JENNA: Ow! - What was that? Sounded like someone threw a bag of garbage off the roof.
Well, go and investigate.
Sorry, hi.
- Yep.
Bag of garbage.
- Uh, hi.
Is there any way you could let me back in? Yeah.
(QUIETLY): You can figure it out on your own since you're a fucking vampire now.
JENNA: Guillermo? I can hear you.
Heightened senses.
NADJA: I just don't understand.
Turning into a bat is the easiest thing for a vampire to do.
I am not disappointed with Jenna's progress so far.
So, you know, maybe she doesn't have a special power.
So what? She's a below-average vampire.
Either way, I do think she's very much ready for her first human meal.
I believe in you very much.
We're going to go to a party full of hot idiots.
We demand you invite us inside your house carnival, now.
Yeah, that's gonna be a "no.
" Ew.
We will do whatever the hell we want to do.
And you will respect women a lot more after this, okay? Okay.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) NANDOR: Obviously, I'm just going to hypnotize my interviewer into giving me my citizenship.
When was the last time you traveled out of this country? Listen to my words.
You will grant me my American citizenship.
Make me one with your evil empire.
Is this a joke to you, sir? Um No.
- Good.
- NANDOR: It seems that, uh, government workers are immune to hypnotism.
It's like their souls are dead or something.
Please describe the right to bear arms.
NANDOR: If it's a nice day, you should have the right to bare your arms.
All right.
Moving on.
NANDOR (WHISPERS): I don't detect any human left in them.
- (SKA BAND PLAYING) - NADJA: Right.
Who in here looks lovely, yummy-yummy, tasty enough to eat? Oh, what about him? He looks like a really good laugh.
JENNA: He's in my stats class.
So? So, I-I cannot kill him because that would be a very big blow to his family.
I can't take that on, emotionally.
Please, darling, listen to me.
We are in a room full of pure asshole.
You can do no wrong.
Honestly.
I believe in you, my darling.
(EXCLAIMS) - Okay.
- Okay.
We elect a president for how many years? A thousand years.
Okay.
The idea of self-government is in the first three words of the Constitution.
So, what are these words? Hmm? "Hey you guys.
" Yeah.
Okay.
What does the Constitution do for the people? - It - Oppresses them.
Try and get his attention, darling.
Lovely red face.
Are you enjoying your drink? Are you enjoying your drink?! - I don't think he hears me.
- No, I just think maybe you're not trying hard enough.
Just watch me, okay? Oh, hello.
Oops, I'm very sorry for bumping into you.
I will punish myself later, 'cause I'm such a bad girl.
Who are your parents? They are very bad for making such a big boy.
I love you.
So much.
See? It's very, very easy.
Just might want to spend the rest of my life with you.
- I live to be your slave.
- Yes, yes.
Now, go upstairs, put your head deep inside the toilet bowl, and flush it seven times.
I think-I think that was an abuse of power.
I think it's just an abuse of that boy.
- Oh, my! - (NADJA GASPS) Hello.
Hello?! Okay.
No, it's okay.
- He'll-he'll apologize.
- No.
You have just spilled your tankard of mead all over my companion.
What? Who? Me.
(HISSES) (GROANS) This is pointless! Nobody sees me! Why don't they see me? This is pointless! No, darling, it's not pointless.
No! I'm done! I'm done.
I've had it.
- Thank you, I'm sorry.
- But (JENNA EXHALES HEAVILY) Excuse me! Could you just Can you just get out of my way?! Get out of my way! Why does nobody hear me?! (SCREAMS) (GASPS) Wh - (WOMAN GASPS) - (MAN GRUNTS) - Whoa! - What is that? - (PARTYGOERS SCREAM) - (NADJA LAUGHS) Did you see? Did anyone Really?! - Jenna? - Whoa.
You went invisible.
The Didn't you see it? You have a very, very special power.
You are going to murder so many human people with this.
- Yes.
- (SMALL SCREAM) (SCREAMS) JENNA: This is the best night of my life! - Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- NADJA: Where has she gone? Dracula's in the house! Where's my Jenna? There she is! - (SQUEALS) - This is amazing! I have a cool vampire power.
Now, I wonder if anyone looks a little bit yummy-scrummy-bummy for you to murder with your mouth right now, hey? - (PLAYING SKA MUSIC) - Pick it up Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up - (YELLS) - (MUSIC STOPS, PARTYGOERS GASP) - (GRUNTING) - (JENNA GRUNTS) MAN: Pick him up! (GRUNTING) (PANTING) - What the fuck?! - Hi.
Hey, there.
Um, no, it's okay.
Aah! (GASPING) Ah Hmm.
Just need a little bit of little bit of chill.
Okay, s-sorry.
Hold-hold still.
Just gonna get the lid on nice and tight and on your blood, so it doesn't, um, leak in my backpack.
I've done as you asked, Mistress.
Not now, big boy.
Go and eat some bricks.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER: Now, to test your English comprehension, I'm going to ask you to recite the Oath of Allegiance.
NANDOR: Okay.
"I hereby declare, on oath, "that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure "all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince "and without any mental reservation "or purpose of evasion, so help me G" So help me G (SIGHS) So help me G Could I possibly just skip the last bit? Huh? So help me Go (SCREAMING) - (FLAMES HISS OUT) - Oh (MUFFLED): Ow.
Ow.
(GROANING) You ready to go? I didn't pass.
Made a fool out of myself.
I have no country, I have no home.
I have no people.
I'm like a little lost duck, floating about in the middle of the ocean.
Oh, will you stop fucking complaining? - Excuse me? - You know, I'm tired of it.
So what? You're not a fucking American citizen.
You're not a citizen of anything.
You're a vampire! Okay? You can fly.
You can transport anywhere as a bat! You are immortal.
Do you have any idea how much people would pay, who they would kill just to be who you are? To be in your shoes? In your fucking shoes! You should be fucking proud of yourself.
Proud of who you are.
Wow.
Guillermo.
You are right.
I am a vampire.
A cool and powerful vampire.
Hear my words! I am a proud vampire! I will not bow down to your pathetic bureaucracies.
It is you who will bow down to me! I don't need your citizenship.
I will rule this earth for eternity as you rot and your bones turn to dust! (CAR ALARM BLARING) Yes! Sound the alarms! It won't make no difference! (CAR ALARM DIES AWAY) (NANDOR EXHALES) Guillermo I appreciate you telling me how it is back there.
Your tone was highly disrespectful, but you were right.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I guess now that you have your, uh, confidence back, you probably need some vampire sidekick to Nah, I'm good.
Oh.
Hands down, the best night of my life.
I mean, I'm invisible, - Yes.
I ate my first dude, and I've never stayed up this late.
Can we, like, watch the sun rise or something? - That would be so nice.
- Oh We could cozy up.
About that um Funny very funny story.
You can never go in the sun again, because if you do, you will burst into a boiling ball of flame.
Sorry.
I am a little disappointed I didn't get to be a American citizen.
I was really looking forward to buying a gun.
Oh, you don't need to be a citizen to get a gun.
They'll give those to anyone.
- Really? - Yeah.
Even in Al Quolanudar you couldn't get a sword without the checking of your background.
JENNA: I got it! NADJA: What? What is it? Motorcycle helmets protect vampires from the sun.
Haven't you seen Blade? They put the things on and then the sun can't hit you.
- Oh.
- Trust me.
It's the night of many firsts, for both of us.
NADJA: You are now a full, strong vampire.
You no longer need me.
And thus, your never-ending journey begins.
- It's so exciting! - JENNA: It is! - (HISSING) - NADJA: What the fuck? - JENNA: Ow! - NADJA: Curse! Oh, that's very hot! - We must go! - (SQUEALING) Oh, vampire ska Raise up the soul, pack up the school time Everybody knew that she was ruler Wants to sink her fangs deep in your neck She's gonna take you home and show you no respect She's a vampire Shake it up Oh, vampire ska She said, "You dress like a city gent" So out for a pint is where we went Her bomber jacket had a Guinness towel She looked real sharp in my chrome cowl She's a vampire.