What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e05 Episode Script

Colin's Promotion

Colin, can I get you a
lozenge or something?
No, thank you.
Colin, Laura would like a
word with you in her office.
I think what's happened is,
they finally figured out that
I don't even know what
the hell this company does.
Just watch,
I'm gonna be as cool as a cucumber.
Hello, Laura.
I have been assessing your work
No. No.
You cannot do that.
It turned out to be the exact opposite
of what I was thinking.
They actually decided to
give me a damn promotion.
This is not good.
It's mainly about my friends,
uh, Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja.
I don't want to do anything that
takes away from my roomie time.
It's like the old adage, you know?
Coworkers die.
Vampire roommates,
they're forever.
So, we have decided
to rotate our artworks.
This was part of a bigger thing
called the Guernica.
I just cut off the bit
that has got me in it.
But even the ones I did like,
I've been looking at them for 200 years,
so I hate them now.
Pablo Picasso. More
like Pablo Pic-asshole.
Ah! That's my first ship.
It was a piece of shit.
Recognize this?
It's my vulva.
It certainly is.
Nandor! Who said you could look?
Well, stop pointing it at me, then.
Laszlo, remember this one?
It's the portrait in which you claimed
to have invented the portrait bomb.
I did invent the portrait bomb.
Here I am, behind the dead chap,
two fingers in the air,
doing the rabbit.
I had to sit there
for about seven hours.
And they still do it now.
Why? Because it's hilarious.
- No, I hate it
- My roomies.
I like it.
We're not putting the goat up!
- I hate it!
- Hey, hey. What's up?
- Dilly dilly.
- Oh.
Colin Robinson, this
does not concern you.
So please retreat to
your underground bedroom.
- Thank you.
- Oh, you guys are rearranging the paintings, huh?
Well, I'm pretty good with squares
and finding the ideal spots on walls,
so if you need my help
No, we don't need your
help, Colin Robinson.
Mm, okay.
Uh, speaking of news,
I got a big promotion today at work.
But, uh, I'm not sure
if I'm gonna take it.
It would definitely cut
into our roomie time
Colin Robinson, however
you are trying to drain us,
just stop it!
Yes, Colin, please
leave us to our sorting.
And you can take your
self-portrait with you.
But it's of all of us.
I made it on the Texas
Instrument Paint Pro.
One of the hard things
about being an energy vampire is that,
even when you're being sincere
and maybe looking for some reassurance
or-or support,
people think you're trying
to drain their life force.
I wish people would understand
that I don't live to drain.
I-I drain to live.
It is draining for them, though.
Well, I'm the boss.
I have an assistant.
Hello, Joanna.
Hi, Mr. Robinson.
Colin Robinson.
Can you make me a copy, please?
Sure. Um, of what, sir?
Uh, that.
I'm watching you.
Do more work.
I have to admit, I'm quite nervous
about being the boss.
That said, I finally figured
out what the company does.
It's playground design and marketing.
Or land mine design and manufacturing.
It's one of those.
I have to give my first presentation.
Human. Human, human.
Even though there's
been a slight uptick,
we have maintained
a plat
Okay. Well, uh,
I guess the projector decided
to take a bit of a coffee break.
Ah! Ah! We're back!
I'm ready for my close-up.
All right!
Did you see that?
They were listening to
me, because I'm the boss.
They had to listen.
This whole boss thing might work out.
But the main thing is
that we all give 100%,
except when it comes to donating blood.
It's entirely possible
that what rappers are saying is true.
I mean, being boss is dope.
So, this is all just kind of a precursor
to the larger slideshow
that I'm about to start.
I feel like I have the
power of a thousand cowboys
running through my veins right now.
Hey, Eric, uh
Don't sit on that.
Dominic and Dan were sitting
on it already and broke it.
I was worried being
the boss would take me away
from my roomies too much, but
they treat me as an inferior.
At work, I'm a superior.
Hi, Dan. Turn to your left.
Drain on demand.
Dan, I've called you in for an impromptu
- performance review.
- Wh-Why?
If you were a tree, what
type of tree would you be?
Uh, I don't know. A maple.
Okay, that's interesting.
I want you to go back to
your cubicle and type up
a 2,000-word essay on why
you chose to become a maple.
Arnie, stop talking to Joanna.
She's my assistant.
Tyler, hey. Colin Robinson, your boss.
Get in here.
That's right, Guillermo.
Careful with my nudie.
- Whoa!
- What are you doing with your hand?
- How dare you?!
- Whoa.
Get your hand off my wife's
ample but firm backside.
Thank you, darling.
Right, but are you
at the office, or ?
How far away from the office are you?
- I know you're not at the office.
- Hello, Colin Robinson.
How was your first day
being the big boss?
Like you give a shit.
How far from the office are you?
What is going on with Colin Robinson?
He has never missed an opportunity
to tell us how boring his day was.
He's a wild card, that one.
What are you talking about?
He's not a wild card.
He's the card you get
on the top of the deck
that has the instructions
on it, so you throw it away.
- Uh, can you get to the office?
- Colin Robinson,
would you like to help
pick a painting to put up?
There's still a bit of space.
Hold. Uh, no.
I have calls to roll?
But I've always been
partial to this one.
- What?
- Whoa.
- How's he doing that?
- Can you get to the office?
What a beautiful landscape.
Why have I never seen
this painting before?
Who knows? It doesn't go
with this room, anyway.
We should get rid of it.
Donate it to an orphanage
or something, Guillermo.
It looks just like the village
I grew up in, and it's on fire.
- It
- Let me have a closer look.
I've heard of this invasion in stories.
Centuries before I was born,
it is said that my village
was a very special place.
They say that the water was like honey.
Even the urine it was like rose water
that you could drink,
and when you'd drink it,
it'd make you want to dance.
Very special place. And then it was
destroyed by a terrible army.
They spared only the softest brains
and the stupidest bodies in the
village, and their offspring
were all wrong.
We will never forget that battle.
It was very windy that day,
and the leader of the army
he was on a high cliff face,
and he went, "You will
never forget my name.
It is"
We didn't get the name,
but I know now.
It is Nandor the Relentless,
my pig shit housemate!
All this time, and you
never said anything.
Lives were ruined! All
the men in my village
are three-foot-two because
of the malnourishment!
When he goes there, he's
a bloody giant! So much
destruction and misery at my
own vampire housemate's hands!
You coward!
We don't know that that
is your exact village.
That is my village flag
on fire in the painting!
the pillaging could've
been done by anyone.
We cannot go jumping to
conclusions that I am to blame.
He is right, my darling. We've
got no evidence that it was him.
Then what the fuck is Persian
Frank Zappa doing on a horse?!
Yeah, that's him.
There were so many villages.
So many pillages. I didn't
What's that? Guillermo, stop her!
It begins.
Nandor, I will kill you!
I will absolutely kill you!
I will rip out every hair of your body!
I swear I am going to
rip that man into shreds
and make a dress out of it.
- Laszlo, let me go!
- No, my darling.
You need to calm down.
You're feeling murderous.
And go to his family's house
and say, "Do you like this?
This is your son, and I'm
wearing him as a dress!"
- Laszlo, let me go!
- Guillermo, human shield.
- You must calm down.
- Thought we talked about this.
You are supposed to support me
when I want to kill someone!
- Not in this instance, my darling.
- Yeah, thank you.
Let go, Laszlo!
- Hello? Is anybody there?
- Hi, yeah. It-It's Beth.
- And Sarah.
- We're calling from the
Colin Robinson here,
Staten Island branch.
Did someone just join? I-I heard a beep.
Did we all hear the beep?
Yeah, this is Phil and Paul at
the Hoboken branch. We're
We all heard the beep on
our end if anyone's there.
Yeah, we're here, Colin.
- Yup, we're here.
- Oh, great, you guys, you're on. Okay.
Okay, let me just
dive right in. For the
Staten Island branch. Can you hear me?
- We're here, Colin.
- Okay, great. Go ahead.
Uh, yeah, for the Sigourney/Otis
project, we got
How was everyone's weekends?
It's like the more I
feed, the more I need.
I've never felt so alive in my life.
I'm changing.
I'm becoming something
new, something stronger.
I don't even need to talk someone's
ear off anymore to drain them.
I can drain them with a single phrase.
It's 5:00 somewhere.
Working hard or hardly working?
What's up ?!
And I grow more powerful by the second.
So, what I'm hearing Nandor
say is that he's sorry.
Right, Master?
Well mm.
How can you not apologize?
The tears of my childhood
watered the garden of your
own pompous, selfish legend
Nadja's very angry at
me for destroying her village.
But it's, like,
calm down, Nadja.
We did those things 200
years before you were born.
I barely remember what
happened, it was so long ago.
Also, I was very drunk.
It was just 200 guys having some fun.
Okay. You're right.
- I'm sorry for doing my job.
- Oh, coward!
The issue here is that I'm an
invader, and I was invading.
Say something to him!
It's-it's him. It's Colin Robinson.
He's making you turn on each other,
and he's feeding off of it.
I think Gizmo might be onto something.
His hair's grown, and he's draining us.
He's not only draining us.
This is a mega-drain.
Although I still have
the best hair in the world.
How can you say you have the best hair?
Look at my hair.
I forgot something in my room.
Your hair looks like a dog.
- You have no layers
- Oh, and, yeah, I can fly now.
I don't see any layers.
It's all layered, you prick.
Colin Robinson
has grown too powerful.
We no longer have enough energy to feed.
Where's Laszlo?
Laszlo's behind you.
He's in death mode so
as to preserve energy.
I hate to say this,
but it's an emergency,
so I'm going to say it.
Let's eat Guillermo.
Nadja is right.
It's the only way. Guillermo?
Guillermo, come over here
and put your neck in my mouth.
No, you have to get up and
do it, 'cause I can't get up.
Nadja, this is all your fault.
You were the one that
invited Colin Robinson
to come and live with us.
This is not my fault.
Laszlo invited him.
Not true. He came with the house.
Look at us. We are pathetic.
Stop filming us like this!
C-Camera Two, come over here
and put your neck in my mouth.
Colin Robinson has recently
gained a huge, horrifying
amount of power.
He just has to walk into the
house, and we have no hope.
But we have a plan:
distract Colin Robinson
and destroy his office overlords
who granted him this power.
I need to get him making some lists,
and then we can escape.
He loves lists.
Hello, Colin Robinson.
- Ugh.
- What do you want? I'm busy.
Um, where have you been? We've
missed you around the house.
Yeah, right. Like you care.
The only people that care are
my real friends, my work friends.
And they listen because they have to.
Well, I would love to know
about your work friends.
What are all their names?
Well, there's Dan and then Arnie.
And then there's Jamie, who doesn't
actually work at the office.
Come back. I'm not done.
And then we have Diabetic Dave.
Ellie, who I call Phoebe
because it annoys her.
And then, of course, you have Ben.
Another Ben, and I
call him Balsamic Ben,
because he's a fan of
Martin Balsam, the actor,
not because he likes balsamic vinegar.
And that bring us, then,
to HR
What is the plan again?
Run away.
Why don't we walk away?
I listened to him
for as long as I could,
but his power is stronger than
- What? What is it?
- Ew.
Nothing, my sweet darling.
Your faces.
Why don't you come and sit next to me,
and we can expire together.
Come and join me here. That's better.
Fuck it.
Well, since we're about to die,
I guess I should confess something.
Remember when all those
vampires were being mur
Guillermo, please save your
confession till once I am dead.
Yes, Master.
Hey, gang.
He can drink with just his mind?
Colin Robinson, why are
you doing this to us?
We are your only friends in the world.
Why subject us to this hell?
Friends? Do friends ignore their friends
when their friend tells them
about a big promotion that
they got at work, which they
were considering turning down
just so they could hang out
more with their friends?
Do friends accuse their
friend of draining them
when all their friend wanted
- to do was hang out
- Guillermo, walk away. Save yourself.
- Hey, hey, Guillermo.
- No.
- What's up, Guillermo?
- No.
- Hello ♪
- Hello ♪
Hello ♪
- What's this shit?
- Oh, no.
They're multipl
I no longer need friends
like you anymore.
All I need is myself.
I'm my own best friend now.
The Colinator.
The C-Man.
Have mercy on us, Colin Robinsons.
Mercy? That's rich.
Did you show me H-Hold on.
Actually, when you say "C-Man",
it sounds kind of like "semen".
- It's short for Colin.
- I'll handle this.
Does it even matter?
I mean, it's cool.
- C-Man.
- Yeah, it matters, and, no,
- it's not cool.
- Okay, but why does it matter?
- Maybe we need
to have a sidebar meeting?
I-I'll check my schedule, but
- C-Man's schedule is wide open.
- Don't say "C-Man".
Uh, what would even be on the agenda?
- Our names.
- But actually
I think the term you're
looking for is "nicknames".
The Colins seem to be
draining each other's energy.
- No, "moniker".
- Actually, I prefer "handle".
- "Sobriquet"?
- A-As in the French?
Oh, no.
They bored themselves to death.
- Mm, how sad.
- So be it.
Colin Robinson multiplied
himself by three
and then bored himself to death.
It's very sad.
We have a number of
Colins we have to bury
into the ground now.
It's okay, I've got your hand.
It's nice down there.
Very respectfully, Guillermo.
We have traveled here
tonight from our house
to our garden to lay
to rest Colin Robinson,
Colin Robinson, and C-Man
next to this, his
favorite bit of the fence.
Loved this fence.
We saw him here a couple of times.
Colin Robinson, when you talked to me
about 19th century naval battles,
I was genuinely interested.
I didn't let you know that,
'cause then you'd have stopped.
Maybe I didn't want you to stop.
Colin Robinson died
attempting to achieve power
and total domination
of his place of work.
Thank you, Nandor, that is beautiful.
Sometimes after me and Laszlo
would have a lovers' quarrel,
Colin would stand hovering at the door,
and I would say, "Shut up",
and then he would actually often
be a very good mute listener.
We wanted to bury this
with you, Colin Robinson,
'cause you loved it and we hated it.
Bury him with something he liked
and get rid of something we don't.
Yea, yea, yea, yea, yea ♪
- Nicely done.
- Ha!
Fucking guy!
I tricked you. I'm alive.
I just wanted to hear my eulogy.
I knew you guys actually liked me.
I admit it's a bit of a long
way to go, but it worked,
- so I'll take it.
- What about
the other two?
Come on, guys.
Come on.
Oh, I guess they're they're dead.
- Very good.
- I think it's time we celebrate.
- Guillermo.
- These are the enjoyable moments.
Get digging.
I'm making sure they're dead.
Hi. Colin Robinson.
New guy.
The last place
I worked at is now in financial ruin.
People were so drained that
nothing was getting done.
Which is why I'm here, to
find a new place to work.
New guy alert. New guy alert.
Quite the drip going on over here.
The "swamp people", I'll call you.
I haven't
officially been hired.
Just trying to locate my cubicle.
I can't find it anywhere.
Guess we're gonna be cellmates.
Hopefully it won't be
too much like prison.
Hey, are you a fan of
conservative AM radio?
I'll find a cubicle that's empty
and imbed myself
for the next couple years.
Like a parasitic wasp amongst all
the congenital moron worker bees.
My husband Laszlo has
dedicated his artistic skills
to touch up the painting
and make it in a way
that will make us both happy.
- You fixed the clock tower!
- Yes.
And there you are, my
darling, on a hay bale.
- With my boobs out.
- Mm-hmm.
- What have you done here?
- I painted you out,
put me in.
And there I am,
galloping towards my wife,
who I will make love to.
And where am I?
You're in there. Bad luck, old chap.
- Pretty rude.
- Well, it was pretty rude of you
to burn down my family's village.
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