What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s03e03 Episode Script


Where the fuck is Nandor?
Nandor has taken to
slipping away from the
house at odd times recently.
Which is very annoying for me,
'cause, unfortunately,
I need his help with an
extremely crucial task:
updating the Vampiric Council's website.
I don't even know what a website is.
I thought it was something
to do with spiders.
Not tonight, huh, guys?
Nandor's behavior
has been very odd of late.
Privacy, please!
Nandor. Nandor
But I think I know why.
He's been disappearing
to the penny pornos.
Penny porno is a room in town
where men pay a cent to
sit next to each other
and whack off. Why
would he lie about that?
I wouldn't care; I'd tell
everyone that's where I go.
In fact, I've just come back from there.
I honestly have
no idea where he's been going.
Knock, knock. Coming in.
I should know where's he at at
all times. I'm his bodyguard.
Rise and shine,
And that is not Nandor.
I honestly have no
idea where he's going.
So we've decided to follow him.
Me, personally,
I couldn't give a shit where he goes.
But I don't want the others to think
that I'm not down to
clown at the drop of a hat.
Do you hear that?
That's definitely him.
Why would he come to a hotel?
Sounds like he's in distress.
You'd better break the door down.
No, because it sounds
- It could be something else.
- Bodyguard, break the door down.
Okay. Everyone stand back.
Oh, hi, guys!
Remember Gail? I am
inside her right now.
Hi, Gail. Nice to see you again.
- Hey, Gail.
- Hey, guys!
- Okay. Everyone out.
- Uh, yeah.
Gail is coming tonight. ♪
The cat's out the bag!
Your boy's in love.
Gail is coming over tonight and
everything has to be perfect.
I have not always been so lucky in love.
Of course, there were my 37 wives,
but they mostly hated me.
Anyway, I had a dry
spell for about 200 years.
And then I met Gail.
We have been what you
might call off and on
over the past 30, 40 years.
But I simply cannot keep away.
Her hair smells of tropical fruits,
her scalp of medication.
She lounges in T-shirts
bearing the image of
musical poet Robert Seger.
And her favorite brand of yogurt
is strawberry vanilla crunch.
Guillermo! Have you still
got that mini fridge?
Yes, you do!
- Great.
- That's my fridge.
What's What do you need that for?
- What's all this shit?
- That's medicine.
I need to keep that
refrigerated It's fine.
The doctor said there might
be side effects if I don't.
- Don't be such a snowflake.
- Why do you need my fridge?
- Nice.
- What is going on?
That's a lot of yogurt.
- You don't eat yogurt.
- It's for Gail.
Of course I'm happy for my
master. Why wouldn't I be?
But, as his bodyguard, it is my job
to personally vet anyone
that he spends time with.
And that's exactly what I'll do.
Nandor, we really need to
make a decision on these fonts.
I like Helvetica,
'cause it's the name of
one of the prostitutes
for the donkeys in my village
and they were friendly.
- What do you think?
- About what?
The fonts for the
Vampiric Council website.
I mean, we could do Franklin Gothic,
but it's a bit on the nose.
Not now, Nadja, please.
Gail is coming over tonight.
- Yes, we are familiar with Gail.
- Now you're taking a risk there,
'cause my wife hates Gail
more than anyone in the world.
I have no issue with Gail.
What I have a problem with
is every time her and
Nandor get back together,
she gets his hopes up that
he can turn her into a vampire
and they can be together for eternity.
And then she always says "no"
and then he always gets heartbroken.
It's the same thing over and over again
for the past 40 years.
It really breaks my heart
to see him like this.
All right, all right, my darling.
I mean, we all know you hate the woman.
That much is clear.
I like her!
Ah, I may as well tell you.
Oh for fuck's sake.
Is that what I think it is?
No, it's not, you little pervert.
It's an engagement ring.
I'm going to give it
to Gail this evening,
then I'm going to turn
her into a vampire,
then we are going to be
together for eternity.
He's been down there for hours,
desperately trying to
find out what he can
about the origin of energy vampires.
Between you and I, though,
I wouldn't normally spend
this much time with him,
but I figured the quicker
he gets on with it,
the quicker he'll shut his mouth.
I mean, there's tons of stuff down here
about regular vampires,
but almost nothing
about energy vampires.
Ha-Have you found anything?
So what am I looking for, exactly?
I'm not sure.
- Could take years, though.
- What the hell is that?
What What?
- That book.
- Just another book. I
No, no, no, no.
This particular book.
- Cornelius Dong's Adventures in the Boner Brigade.
- Exactly.
That never came out in hardback.
Which means it's a fake.
What the fuck?
My jalopy!
- Your your what?
- Here she is.
I-I didn't even know you could drive.
Well, I can.
I-I'm an excellent driver. Rain Man.
You are?
Well, that's handy, 'cause I'm not.
And I'm banned, which is
why it's been impounded.
The Vampiric Council
confiscated my beloved jalopy
to punish me for transporting
miners across state lines.
I always wondered where they hid it away
and it's been right under
my nose the entire time.
What else do you want to know?
One Yoplait here and then two up there.
How did you get this ring?
I killed some virgins the other night,
and one was wearing a promise ring.
I guess that's one
promise he's going to keep.
You desecrated a corpse.
Oh, who even knows what counts
with young people these days?
She's here!
Yeah, you're right.
You're not gonna get
him to focus on anything
for the Council, not
while Gail's around.
And I totally agree.
Agree with what? I didn't say anything.
Oh, come on. We all know
that you kind of think
that Gail is a little
bit of a big-time bitch.
I don't dislike Gail!
Why does everyone think I dislike Ga
It's because we're women. That is so
Put your differences
aside and just talk to her,
- woman to woman.
- About what?
Look, I just don't want
to see Nandor get hurt.
What am I sitting on?
Oh. I'll take
care of that, don't worry.
Shame it wasn't his face.
Ah. Is this good? Here? Whoa.
A fireplace.
Nandor's an
acquired taste, I'd say.
Like sardines, maybe.
Like, you're not sure
that you're gonna like 'em,
and then you try 'em
and then you eat, like,
five, six cans a day
for a month straight and then suddenly
you're like, "Welp, I think
I'm sick of sardines now."
But then, a few years
go by, and you're like,
"How come I never eat sardines anymore?"
Trying to make some ♪
- Front page drive-in news ♪
- Oopsie.
Sorry, I was
just, uh Didn't mean to, um
Oh, come in, come in.
We were just dancing in
between rounds of cunnilingus.
Hello, Gail.
How have you been?
Oh, you know. Fine.
My daughter, up in Rochester
- you know, the one in marketing?
- So talented.
Oh, God.
Well, her ex is just
taking her to the cleaners.
And then this, on top of the
rain that we've been having,
- it's like, "Ah!" You know?
- Ah.
Too much water.
- Too much.
- You need a yogurt.
- I got your favorite.
- Oh, boy.
A yogurt!
- You like that?
- I do like that.
Nice, hey? Feel her
curves. She's a beaut.
Ah, yeah. What's it run on?
Petrol and coal.
- Hybrid.
- You might say.
It's called a Stutz Laszlo.
They only made four. They
gave one to Henry Ford
and then he gave his one
to his hero, Mussolini.
That seems about right.
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.
Come on, man, let's go for a ride.
We can go wherever you want.
Montenegro, Côte d'Azur.
- You name it.
- Buffalo?
Let's do it.
Yeah, all right.
- Yes! Now we're talking.
- Sounds kind of fun.
- A little adventure.
- Yeah.
Energy vampires
love a good road trip.
I, myself, always have
my mix ready to go.
25 "Hey There Delilahs."
Oh, and I have my trail mix.
Not to eat, of course,
but to shove into the
crevices of the seats.
Shit. I'm gonna need you to
help me get it out of here.
Okay, just come back, just a little.
What's the problem?
Um, there's a block
down here. Let me get it.
What the hell?
- Did I get you?
- Did you get Yeah.
I have no reflection
in the rearview mirror.
You don't, but I do. I reflect.
Don't think the room is big enough.
- I don't think we can get it out.
- I think they
built this around the car.
It was built around it?
Around the car!
- I I have a crazy idea.
- What?
Are you in?
- Right.
- What?
Shit. Sorry, man. Did I get you?
- Back up.
- Do what?
Back up.
I don't know if it can do that.
Reverse, you shithead.
I wanted
to ask Gail something,
but I wanted to go and get something
that I want to give her when
I ask her that something,
so maybe if you just stay
here and keep her company,
I can go and do that
and maybe towel off my,
uh, face and genitals.
Uh Fine.
- Yes? Thank you.
- Yes.
I'll leave you guys to
it; I'll be back in a sec.
Thank you. Oh, Guillermo!
Have you seen my genital towel?
- Guillermo.
- Ah!
We're just we're just
watching Twilight, see?
- Where is the ring?
- What?
The ring in the box! For Gail.
- Is this it?
- Give me that!
And I am borrowing this towel.
That's my favorite sweater.
- It's simple.
- Mm? All right.
We take the car apart here,
move it outside, then
reassemble it there.
How long did you own this car
before it was taken from you?
- About ten minutes.
- Oh. Then All right.
I haven't spent
much time with Colin Robinson
in the past, for the
main, obvious reason
that he's incredibly fucking dull.
If you buy a German car,
you're basically
supporting the Nazi party.
I don't know. Maybe
I've gone soft in my old age,
but I've noticed that
he looks a bit lonely.
I thought I'd spend some time with him.
I mean, you could call it my good deed.
You're not masturbating, are you?
You know, I've never really
spent much time with Laszlo before.
With Nadja being away so
much with her Council duties,
I've decided to take
pity on the poor guy.
I-I think he just needs a friend.
You've got to keep notes as I'm talking,
otherwise it'll all go to shit.
Well, I'm trying to keep up
with all these parts you're making up.
- What is this?
- I don't know.
A wiggabuhbiggle is what you called it.
The man knows his cars.
Yeah, actually, I used to think
that my parents were energy vampires,
but I-I don't know anymore.
My dad was really dynamic and outgoing,
kind of a RuPaul type, but in the '20s.
And my mom, I
I don't really remember my mom anymore.
Did you mum die when you were young?
Nah, she was just boring. Still is.
Is this the bonus pile or is that?
I'll be honest. At this point,
I don't think it really matters.
- I had a mother once.
- Oh?
What-what was she like?
No idea. I was raised by my nanny,
who used to make me
learn Latin in the nude.
- Oh.
- I quite liked it.
- Oh. Are you leaving?
- Yeah. It's getting late
and I really want to get back
to my condo for Grey's Anatomy.
I think Nandor is going
to ask you something
stupid, pathetic, and, uh,
get rejected again, as usual.
Nandor knows that
Thursday nights are for the gals.
Meaning me and Meredith Grey.
But, uh, tonight is, uh, Saturday.
It's what?
Tonight is not Thursday,
tonight is Saturday.
Excuse me, sweetie,
you are on my slacks.
Oh. I just think Nandor will be down
- in just a little, tiny, one little moment
- I gotta go.
Gail! Wait! Oh, I want to
talk to you about Nandor.
We can have a girlie
to girlie conversation.
- There's not a lot to talk about, really.
- Gail!
Wait. Wait! There is a bloody
plunket of a man upstairs
who has feelings, and those
feelings are going to get hurt
and then we will never choose a font!
- Gail!
- Get away from me!
Fuckin' hell. Oh!
So many nipples.
Shoo! Shoo!
Oh, Nandor, what have you done?
I'll be completely honest with you,
I've never done an actual
car reassembly before.
Yeah, no shit, my beauty.
What the fuck, you two?
Do you know what kind
of damage you've done
to some of our most priceless artifacts
with this jackass stunt of yours?
A good evening to you, too.
We may have bumped into a few things.
You shattered the crystal blood chalice
of Vlad the Impaler himself!
You left an enormous dent in
the sarcophagus of Amen-Ra,
- and you tore the Shroud of Urine!
- Wait, wait.
There's a Shroud of Turin in there?
No. The Shroud of Urine.
It is a completely different thing
and even more valuable.
And it is ruined!
What you're failing to understand
is the ball ache that we
both had trying to get this
from inside there to out here.
That would make a lot of sense to me,
if there wasn't a giant red button.
Ah, the magic of
mechanical garage doors.
Yeah, okay. But
how were we supposed to see
the big red button when we were inside?
You're right. A couple of idiots inside
couldn't see the other red button?
That says "push to open"?
Fuck it!
Have fun! I've got to go
call the insurance people!
They're gonna rip me apart.
Well, I think I'm gonna
head home and do my research
- from there for a while.
- No, hang on.
I can give you a lift, if you like.
Yeah, sure, that sounds fun.
You'll have to top her up, though.
Can do.
- You ready to roll?
- Yeah.
Let's do it.
Just kidding. I'm fine.
I'm fine. It's just a little fire.
Honestly, of all the things!
You have really pissed all
over our pips this time, Nandor.
Okay, yes. My Gail
happens to be a werewolf.
But when we met, she was still a human.
She's only recently been
turned in a werewoman.
Which is the proper term
for a female werewolf.
And you knew this,
and you didn't tell us.
- Well
- I defended that woman
against my wife's jealousy.
I don't dislike Gail!
But this, me old chap,
is a bridge too far.
Are you insinuating
that I would do it with her
while she is in wolf form?
Because I did, but I was in bat form.
And it was exclusively hand stuff.
We are the leaders of
the Vampiric Council.
How do you think it
looks that one of our own
is porking our mortal enemy!?
Guillermo, say something, please!
Oh, no, don't get me
in the middle of this.
I just want whatever
makes my master happy.
Correct answer, Guillermo.
It's not gonna last.
Does it not bother you
that she's strung you along
for 40 years over becoming a vampire
and the moment a werewolf
shows her his lipstick,
she lets him turn her into a werewoman?
Being a werewolf is not a crime!
The only crime that my Gail
is guilty of is stealing.
Stealing my heart.
Come on, guys. Just
come with me and meet her and her clan
and we can mingle together.
Come see that werewolves ain't so bad.
- I'm in.
- Thank you, Colin Robinson.
- That's one. Laszlo?
- Traitor!
- Fine.
- That's two.
- I make
- Nadja
I know that you have some
personal differences with Gail.
It's only natural, as a woman
I don't dislike her
because she's a woman, okay?
Okay, then. Woman, werewoman, whatever.
A lot of women these days
are leaning into each other.
It's like a thing now.
This could be you and
this could be Gail.
I am not going to do
trust exercises with a dog.
- For me?
- Fine.
- I'll go.
- Yeah!
Okay, now, look; we're
not here to cause trouble,
we're just here to, you know, be nice.
And nonconfrontational.
Hi, werewolves!
Well, well. If it
isn't the Addams Family.
Um greetings.
- Car! Car!
- Hey
Sorry about making you
jump off the Circuit City
the last time we were all together.
- Oh, what the hell?
- Well-played.
It's a protocol thing.
It's not personal.
Hello again. Hi.
Nice to What the
Nadja, you must never approach
a werewolf when they are
eating. Sorry about that.
I'm so sorry. Uh, can we start again?
Uh, I'm Chad.
Uh, you remember Ange. Yeah.
Dougie. Toby.
Hello again. Hi.
- Oh, for fuck's sake!
- Michael!
- Michael!
- I knew this was a bad idea.
No, no, no. It's a very good idea.
Please, guys. I haven't
even seen Gail yet.
Well, is that her over there?
With that werewolf?
Anton is a guy
that I date sometimes who happens to be
a werewolf, and he happened to
turn me into a werewolf, too.
I'm not super serious with Anton.
- Guillermo!
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name's Guillermo de la Cruz
and I'm the official bodyguard
of that vampire right there.
And ?
Not only am I his bodyguard,
I am also his heart guard.
You just reminded me of something.
Guys, did we remember to
take our Heartgard this month?
- Oh.
- You got to remember
- to take your Heartgard, or
- I took it. I took it.
- you're gonna get worms.
- We'll get worms.
- All right
- Oh, Jesus.
I always knew we
couldn't trust your kind.
Well, I always knew we
couldn't trust your kind.
And I always knew we couldn't trust your kind.
Yes, and I, too, always knew
Okay, enough.
We get it. Nobody trusts each other.
The only way to resolve
this is a free-for-all.
To the death.
No. Stop. Stop.
There's a better way to
resolve your differences.
Twilight style.
- What's that?
- The the movie.
You know what I'm saying. Twilight.
We should just play kickball.
Kick Everyone knows kickball.
- I'll kick your balls.
- Never heard of it.
Come on, Nandor! You can do it!
I hope you're not feeling too tired,
'cause I can go all night!
Oh, I'm sure Gail's completely satisfied
with your tiny little bat dick.
I'll give you a bat dick!
I mean, proportionally,
it is quite normal, but
it is slightly teensy and ineffective.
I mean, it's a bat dick.
You know?
Ah! Ah!
Come on, Laszlo!
Use the weight of your penis, darling.
You ready, Dick Jagger?
Go now!
Go, Laszlo! Go!
Where did he go?
I think he's flown home.
No! No!
Animal form is cheating!
Come on, werewolves, you're slacking!
Give me the ball. Give it to me.
Get away from me, dog.
- Anton, go!
- Pretend the ball
- is Gail's head!
- I don't dislike Gail!
That was an accident!
- Shit.
- No, I I did
look out for her! Stop filming!
- It was an accident!
- Gail!
- Oh
- I really like her. Please don't film it.
I like this woman.
You kicked a ball in her
head and now she's dead!
- Accidentally.
- My sweet Gail!
Stand aside, werewolf!
I know what to do.
Breathe. Yummy.
Oh, yummy, yummy. Yes.
What happened?
- She's alive!
- I didn't kill her.
- I didn't kill her.
- Where's my pocketbook?
Can you stand?
- Can you stand?
- Yes, I can stand.
I'm old, but I'm not an invalid.
- Oh
- Hey, Gail.
Now that you are a vampire,
and we can spend the
rest of eternity together,
there is something that
I would like to ask you.
Gail Marie you-never-told-me-
would you do me the honor
of being my vampire bride?
Oh, Nandor.
Yeah, I was married before
and it is just it's just not for me.
But, hey, you know,
maybe in 30 or 40 years
down the road, who knows? I mean,
we have all eternity to figure this out.
- That's ages, though.
- Yes. Listen.
Will you wait for me?
- Yes?
- Forever.
- Found your pocketbook.
- Oh!
All right, guys, I have to
fly to Buffalo in the morning.
My daughter's promotion fell through.
- Oh
- And then, with the weather
that we've been having
I mean, I really,
really need to get to
the airport early, okay?
Bye, Gail.
- Ciao. Bye, guys.
- We love you. I like her.
Bye, Gail.
- Oh!
- Whoa.
Careful of the fence!
Bye, sweet Gail!
Farewell, my Gail.
I don't want to click on this.
This is my first website,
and I think I did a pretty good job.
Yeah. Maybe a less exciting font.
- I don't like it.
- You don't like what?
Is that what I think it is?
- Oh!
- Fancy a ride?
Oh, I'll ride on you
anytime, my darling.
Come on!
- How about me?
- No, thank you.
- Oh.
- Gail
- Take my hand.
- Lovely. I remember this.
- Okay. You can let go now.
- Okay.
- Is there room for one more?
- There certainly is.
- For two more?
- You're going round the back.
- Ah
- All right, uh, everyone.
Get buckled in.
Close the door.
Hold on to your butts!
Wow, she can really move!
Can you honk the horn?
W werewolves!
Hang on!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode