What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s03e05 Episode Script

The Chamber of Judgement

NANDOR: I'm pretty certain
it might be this way.
This is it. The big night.
Our first Vampiric Council tribunal.
Let the Ceremony of Judgment commence!
Where we once stood as
prisoners sentenced to death,
we will now be sitting
as judge and jury.
- You're gonna die, and you're gonna
- [SCREAMS] Fuck!
Never sneak up on a vampire
like that, Guillermo.
- NADJA: How did you even get down here?
- What do you mean?
I've been down here for 20 minutes,
- waiting for you guys.
- Oh.
- Well, is it this way, or is it that way?
- GUILLERMO: I think it's
- GUIDE: It's back this way.
NANDOR: [SCREAMS] Fucking Guide.
I've been standing behind
you for half an hour.
- What?
- Silently watching you.
Breathing in your scent.
Smelling your musk.
So is it this way or ?
Oh, no, no. It's back this way.
- Oh, good.
- Yes, you missed it. Come along, everyone.
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You sold out your dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪

Our neighbor Sean has
kindly invited us to his
for what he described
as a "boys-only night."
Now, I gleefully assumed
that that would be some
kind of circle jerk.
- Oh, I don't think that's what he meant.
- No, it isn't.
Anyway, I've invited Colin Robinson
Ah, mui, mui mesa love you.
LASZLO: Is that a friend of yours?
Mesa Jar Jar Binks.
LASZLO: Ooh. That's a nice voice.
COLIN: You don't find
this voice annoying?
I think it's very funny, indeed, Colin.
SEAN: My Uncle Fulvio
did all the repaneling in here,
so it's looking real nice. Oh!
- Frankie, Mikey!
- MIKEY: Hey!
You remember my old buddy
Laz and, uh, his friend
- Robinson Caruso.
- Yo!
- Hey.
- COLIN: What you dudes watching?
SEAN: Ah, local community
college hockey, you know.
The purest form of sport is
community college because you get 'em
- right after high school, and, uh
- Come on, move. Move.
- Before they really
- SEAN: Robbie Robertson.
You make a better door
than a window, okay?
- [LAUGHS]: I have heard that.
- MIKEY: Shut up.
- They want you to get out of the way, Colin Robinson.
- Oh. Okay.
- SEAN: Just have a seat. Just have a seat.
- LASZLO: I brought these
especially for the occasion.
- Oh!
- MIKEY: Look at that.
- Don't ask me where I got them from.
- COLIN: I, too,
- have a little gift.
- Oh.
You guys are into the
whole Agatha Christie thing,
right? Murder mystery games?
"Mrs. Honeychurch and the Hanging
- at 'Vykrage Valet.'"
-"Hanging at Vicarage Valley."
Yeah. It'll take a while to play,
but I think if we start now,
we should be done by dawn.
- NADJA: Hmm?
Okay, okay, don't make a
big deal out of it. Okay, do.
- Do make a big deal of it. Come on.
- Yes.
I feel like this is my wedding day.
But I shouldn't be
wearing white. [CHUCKLES]
So Let the Ceremony
of Judgment commence. ♪
NANDOR: Very good.
- Very good.
- All right. Well, I will be the one who says that.
But before we continue,
there is just one more thing
we have to check off our list.
- Come on in.
This is a conduct/harassment
training video
that our human resources
department put together
as mandatory viewing
for all employees. Okay?
- Okay, fine.
- Okay, let's get it over with.
All right.

- So, that's it, then?
- GUIDE: Yes.
So, that just means anything
and everything goes here.
He smacks me on the ass, you finger me,
I stroke him off, et cetera, et cetera.
We have found it to be
good for team building.
So anything and everything goes?
Yes. We have sort of
fallen into doing it all
- on a Thursday night to get it out of the way.
- NADJA: Oh.
Otherwise, it can be very exhausting.
Now, I know you both
agreed to be coleaders,
but the fact remains: only one of you
can sit on the throne. Who will it be?
- Uh, me, thank you.
- Fine, I'll do it.
[WHISPERING]: No. Let her
have the throne. Power is won
- by those who seem to least desire it.
- NANDOR: But the throne
- is a big deal, and I want to sit on it.
- And you will.
- NANDOR: Stop touching me.
- What are you two whispering about?
Guys? It's a one-person throne, okay?
What is so hard about this?
GUILLERMO: I mean, who
wields the ultimate power?
The one who sits on the throne?
- Nadja may sit on the throne.
Or the one who challenges
the throne-sitter?
- Thank you, Nandor.
- Yes.
GUILLERMO: Or perhaps it's the person
who whispers into both their ears.
So, at the time in question,
I was having a brandy
with Vicar Wilson in the, uh,
- tack room or some shit.
- Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So,
how-how you guys been, uh,
- sleeping lately, huh?
- MIKEY: Uh, you know, not too bad.
- I actually been taking this melatonin stuff
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear that.
I've been sleeping like
shit, too, you know?
My neck's been all
stiff, and, uh, my knees,
- they've been swelling. It's really bad.
- LASZLO: So, hold on.
- Is Frank dead?
- FRANK: No.
- Frank? I'm Frank.
- LASZLO: Oh, right.
I'm having a brandy with the-the vicar.
- Gotcha.
- MIKEY: Am I the vicar?
- You're the vicar.
- SEAN: My lower back!
Oh, forget about it. It was terrible.
But then I got this new pillow,
which is not available in stores,
- and, uh
- Well, how did you get it, then?
Stop asking so many questions.
Anyway, it's an incredible product.
It totally changed my life.
- COLIN: Okay.
- FRANK: Yeah, cool. Oh, hey,
- you guys hear, uh, Kevin got laid off?
- No.
- Yeah. For real.
- Kevin?
SEAN: I've been
sleeping like a baby now.
Really sleeping like a baby
thanks to this brand-new,
state-of-the-art pillow.
What the fuck is its name?
Hold on. Hold on. I'll be right back.
- Hold that thought.
- LASZLO: You see this hockey match?
We played a game exactly like
that at Eton. Difference is,
we didn't play with a
puck. We played with a cock.
- A cock that had been hardened
- COLIN: Can we actually
get back to your friend who was fired?
- [SINGSONGY]: Da-da-da-da!
- Oh, Kevin. Yeah, it was brutal.
- He got
- It's called the Guy Pillow.
- For the man who sleeps.
- COLIN: Ooh.
Yeah, yeah, like that guy,
uh, on TV. Mike Lindell, right?
That's the MyPillow, and
this is the Guy Pillow.
- They're completely different.
- LASZLO: All right.
Simmer down, Sean. We
can't all be pillow experts.
- SEAN: Right. Yeah. Yeah.
- FRANK: Okay.
Can we get back to the game?
Yeah. I got a card.
Okay, stop twisting my arm, guys.
I'll give you a demo, all right?
Does the pillow come
with the pillowcase?
SEAN: Yeah, I'm glad
you asked that, Laz.
It's a hypoallergenic pillowcase,
and, yeah, the whole shebang
comes for what? $49.99.
- What the fuck?
[CHUCKLES] Seanie, 50
bucks for a fucking pillow?
SEAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is a quality pillow
but for a value price.
But you know what I'm gonna do?
Because you guys are my friends,
I'm gonna knock ten bucks off the top.
- That's $39.99 apiece.
- FRANK: Whoa, whoa.
- Wait. You're selling these things?
- SEAN: You kidding me?
- These things sell themselves. So, who's in?
- Uh
- The Ceremony of Judgment will now commence.
- Wait, I was gonna
Okay, stop!
- Stop. I'm not ready. No, no.
So, back to one. I
don't I'm so sorry.
- What seems to be the problem?
- Nandor is very tall.
When he stands, his face is much higher
than my face 'cause I
am sat on the throne.
I'll see what I can do.
Thank you, Guillermo.
Here's a thought.
Perhaps we just remove the throne
- from the equation.
- NANDOR: Here's a thought.
Can we get this going already?
Remove the throne!
NANDOR: Ah, shit.
- Ooh! Ooh, that's
- Aah!
- NANDOR: Ay-ay-ay-ay.
That's-that's plenty.
Thank you, wraiths.
- That's plenty. Thank you.
- Gonna be hard to get that out.
- GUIDE: Okay, we good?
- Everyone good?
- BOTH: Yes.
- Great.
Let the Ceremony of Judgment commence!
- Can't I just say it once?
GUIDE: Okay, stop!
- NADJA: What now?
- It looks so dumb
with the throne just
sitting there empty.
She does make a good
You guys, just take five.
Honestly, don't go far.
What you really should do
is stop acting like a bunch of jabronis
and get, like, 25 of these things each.
COLIN: Well, I don't usually
sleep with 25 pillows.
SEAN: News flash. You don't use these.
You buy extras,
and then you sell 'em
to your stupid friends
for a little do-re-mi for yourself.
Laz, come on. [CHUCKLES]
I don't use a pillow.
SEAN: Okay. Well, Mikey.
Come on. I mean, we used to sleep
- in the same bed.
- MIKEY: Hey, buddy,
I don't know what to tell you, you know?
All my friends are in
this room, you know?
- No.
- SEAN: You know what?
Fine. I mean, what does it matter?
Don't buy any, huh?
You bunch of fucking backstabbers.
Who cares about Sean, right?
- Fuck me, right?
- FRANK: Sean.
[SCOFFS] Fuck me? Well, fuck you!
- Oh!
- SEAN: You are gonna regret it when you didn't get in
on the ground floor of
this superior product!
FRANK: Fucking Sean.
LASZLO: You all right, Sean?
Honestly, Laz? I'm not doing too good.
I was hoping you were
getting, like, 25 pillows,
and I was counting on, uh,
you know, Newman Robinson
or whatever the fuck his name is.
- Who?
- The guy who looks like a fetus.
- Oh, right.
- And then Nandor and his boyfriend
don't even show up? I mean
Well, I wouldn't take that personally.
Listen, I know. It's just
Nandor looks like he's a
real big sleeper, right?
I could sell him, like, 40 large.
And then, you know, the little guy,
listen, get him for
ten, okay? He's poor.
I mean, he wears the
same cardigan everywhere.
I sense there's something
else that's bothering you.
All right. All right.
You got to promise me
you're not gonna tell a soul.
- I won't tell a soul.
- Charmaine doesn't even know.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay, are you ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
All right. Hey, whoa, whoa!
I got a cousin like
that, but that's not me.
- Really?
- Yeah, I respect you and everything
Okay. You won't remember anything
about how you attempted
to seduce me just now.
Continue with your tale.
I'm in too deep.
I bought a lot, a lot of pillows.
I mean, so many.
How many pillows?
- LASZLO: Shit.
- Yeah. I haven't sold that many,
so I can't pay back the
guy who sold them to me.
And, uh, now he's taking
me to small-claims court.
So, how many of these
have you actually sold?
- Yeah. Charmaine wanted one,
but you can't sell
them to women because
- it's a men's-only pillow.
- Men's-only pillow.
Says so on the box.
Yeah, yeah, it's legally binding.
Court date's tomorrow
night. I'm scared, Laz.
I don't want you to worry
about this one second longer.
I think I can get you out of this hole.
[CHUCKLING] I could kiss you, Laz!
- NADJA: Maybe we could just put
a sheet or a cloth over it or something.
The throne is a very important
symbol in the ceremony.
Well, I have an idea, but Forget it.
I have too many things
to do today. [CHUCKLES]
- No, go on, Guillermo.
- No, what is it?
I was thinking,
why don't we put me in the robe,
and I'll sit on the throne?
I mean, I'm obviously not a vampire,
but they don't know that.
And I think that, you know,
the symbolism will hold.
- Worth a shot, I guess.
- Works for me.
An elegant solution.
- NADJA: I love symbolism, so
A little bit higher.
It's all a big game of chess.
I just didn't say who was
playing who m. Whom.
Go faster!
I'm getting dizzy.
- All right. Uh, Iorek the Knavish.
The wraiths look much more disgusting
than I remember them looking.
GUIDE: Oh, yeah. We have
them wear special masks
for the Ceremonies of Judgment.
Makes them look much scarier.
Number Five? Wrong mask! Again!
Every time with that one.
Thank you. [CLEARS
THROAT] So, continuing
Iorek the Knavish,
you stand charged with selling
your fellow vampires a
so-called magical herb
which you claimed would protect them
from the ill effects of sunshine.
NADJA: Oh, that would be nice.
[CHUCKLES]: Yes, indeed, it would be.
If it worked!
Please watch.
How did you obtain this footage?
- The Crow-Cam.
- NADJA: Ah.
- NANDOR: Hello.
It's gone.
Nandor, it is clearly vampicide.
Yes, multiple vampicide.
NADJA: Well, then, we should kill him.
Um, it might not be a bad idea
to kick off our reign with something
that shows a bit more mercy?
Yeah, hmm?
NADJA: Is there a cell
that he can be cast away in
for hundreds of years? [HISSES]
- As you wish.
For how many years specifically?
- 500 years!
- A hundred.
- 150.
- Two years is fine. Just two is good.
GUIDE: Our next offender stands accused
of breaking just about every rule
by which we vampires keep our presence
on this earth a secret.
- Ugh. Boo!
DEREK: Okay, so, hear me out.
If you tell me the rules,
I'd be down to follow them.
GUIDE: If I may please continue?
- NADJA: Yes.
- GUIDE: Thank you.
Derek is a member of the Mosquito Club.
It was that, uh, vigilante
vampire-hunting group
that I joined accidentally.
Accidentally joined.
- My man.
- GUILLERMO: And then we went
to that weird house
with the vampire family,
and they attacked us.
- SHANICE: Come on! Let's go!
- GUILLERMO: We did it!
- We actually found the
And he was left behind.
I-I left him behind.
- Where's Derek?
- It's too late for him now.
I've had to live with that
every day since that night, so
I I I thought he was dead.
- GUIDE: Derek,
you have accrued the following charges:
turning into a bat on the subway
in an attempt to scare teenagers,
stealing IV bags from blood
donor centers across the city
Also, what are you wearing?
You are wearing bad vampire fashions.
- That is the most heinous crime!
- DEREK: Well, I mean,
I didn't know where to
get proper vampire finery,
but the Hot Topic at the mall
had some really great stuff.
I mean, they're fast fashion, but
GUIDE: If I may continue?
Feeding on bystanders out in the open
who have fallen asleep on park benches.
What's the alternative?
Owning an unlicensed hellhound.
- I'm sorry, y you mean Aspen?
- Hey, boy.
- Nandor, be careful.
- Are you in there?
- NADJA: Stay back!
- DEREK: Aspen!
- Sit!
If I may please continue?!
- Sorry.
- GUIDE: We've got a lot to do!
- NADJA: Sorry, yes.
Owning an unlicensed hellhound.
Oh, that was actually
it. Sorry. We're done.
- Okay.
- NADJA: These crimes you have committed
are despicable! [SPITS]
What do you have to say for yourself?
- I don't know. Whoops?
That was a shit response,
- wasn't it?
- GUILLERMO: I I'm sure
what he meant to say is that surely
there's an explanation somehow, right?
I guess I just do fucked-up shit now.
That's just who I am.
A vampire that draws
attention to vampirism
is a threat to all vampires everywhere.
Yes. And, also, I was thinking,
because we showed the other man mercy,
for this one, I think we
just balls to the wall,
just go fucking crazy.
I agree completely.
- Well, I think that
- Then we are of one brain!
- We sentence you to death! [LAUGHS]
- Death.
- I'm sorry, come again?
- GUIDE: Derek, you are
hereby sentenced to be thrown
into the Well of Daylight,
where you will die
- by the rays of tomorrow's sunrise.
[WHISPERS]: Derek. Hey.
- Guillermo. Hey, dude.
- GUILLERMO: Just wanted to stop by
and say, um I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
I could've done more.
It should've been me
that was left behind.
No, no, no. There's no way
you could've known Ah!
- No, Derek, stay away from the sun.
- Ah!
I thought that was obvious.
Well, you know, I sort of wish
maybe you'd looked me
up and, I don't know,
given me a rule book or something.
Is there even a rule
book Ah! Goddamn it!
Get out of the sun, Derek!
- No! Just follow
the sound of my voice! This way.
- Geez.
- That is gonna scab.
I thought that would be common
sense to You know what?
Here. Put this on and cover
yourself with it, okay?
Don't move. I'm gonna
get you out of here.
Thanks, Guillermo.
Ah, damn it!
You know, I've been thinking
Oh, great.
I was actually surprised
that you let Nadja
talk you into killing that Derek guy.
I didn't let Nadja talk
me into doing anything.
Really? And yet you let Nadja
steamroll over you like that
- Are you done?
- Yes, but
- Good.
- You said
GUILLERMO: I thought I
had mastered the game.
Just whispering in
people's ears. [CHUCKLES]
- Between you and I
- Hmm? [GIGGLES]
GUILLERMO: Calling the shots.
People have been saying that
you just sentenced that
Derek guy to death because
[WHISPERS]: you let
Nandor walk all over you.
Have a fucking day off, Guillermo.
No one said that. Please
do not talk anymore.
But I think I really biffed this one.
JUDGE: Garry Degen v. Sean Rinaldi?
Present and accounted for, Your Honor.
It says here you have representation?
[LAUGHS]: Oh, yeah.
Have no fear. Here I am.
Sean has been done an injustice,
and I won't stand for
it. Luckily for him,
I am no stranger to the song
and dance of the courtroom,
for I myself used to be a
barrister on the Queen's Bench.
Mainly representing myself for crimes
such as soliciting and pornography.
But I've mainly defended a lot of hogs.
And horses.
JUDGE: What is this, some
kind of Hamilton thing?
- What?
- COLIN: Your Honor, if I may,
New York State Statute 82
clearly states that legal
counsel's attire cannot be
- discriminated against.
- JUDGE: All right, fine.
Oh, yeah. I googled that this morning
when I saw him in that old lady's wig.
My only other duty as his de
facto paralegal seems to be
hauling around his file boxes, which
between you and me
mostly contain pornography.
Now, my lords, ladies and gentlemen,
I feel a huge injustice
has occurred here today,
- and it needs addressing.
- And what's that?
Well, this chap has
the hair of a pedophile.
I've got to be honest, I
haven't stepped inside a court
for about 300 years.
- Objection!
- This is your fourth
objection in the last minute,
Mr. Cravensworth. Overruled.
- Objection.
- What about?
So, my techniques
and my methods might
be a bit old-fashioned.
May I approach the bitch?
- What did you say?
I said, "May I approach the bench?"
- Ah.
- What did you think I said?
Right. I'm ready to wrap this up.
The common man whether he
be Neanderthal, troglodyte
they all deserve their day in court.
A slice of a fair
system, wouldn't you say?
I think I've heard enough, thank you.
Judgment for the plaintiff
in the amount of $12,700.
- What's she talking about?
We lost.
LASZLO: What the fuck?
- [WHISPERS]: Fuck.
- I need to see Nadja.
- SEAN: No, no.
- Nadja?
- No, no, bro.
She's not there. Come
on. God, you're heavy.
- LASZLO: I think I'm gonna puke.
- What happened?
Well, he lost a court case
and he took it pretty
hard, and we went to a bar
- to help him unwind.
- Wait, Laszlo's a lawyer?
- [SIGHS]: Yeah.
We met some finance guys,
and next thing you know,
double-fisting drinks.
They take off, we lose track of Laz.
- They must've gone out barhopping or something.
Oh, I can't believe
this is the first time
I'm inside your guys's place.
You must do a lot of antiquing.
Nope. Don't touch that.
Jennifer the Dreadfully Loathsome,
we would like to officially
apologize for the distress
your name has caused you, and we hereby
grant you permission to
change your name henceforth.
- NANDOR: Yes.
- As requested, you will be known
as Gabby the Dreadfully Loathsome.
- Gabby.
- Congratulations, my love.
Thank you.
I think we're done, guys. Excellent day.
NANDOR: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What is the meaning of
this outburst, Guillermo?
He's supposed to be ashes by now.
GUILLERMO: The prisoner
was sentenced to death.
And by some miracle
[CHUCKLES] escaped.
- What are you talking about? You helped me Oh.
- Shut
GUILLERMO: He escaped!
But a according to
Codicil 18 of the Vampiric
Council Code of Conduct
I just made that up. [CHUCKLES]
Codicil 18: The prisoner
is entitled to
a defense attorney!
- NANDOR: Oh, for fuck's sake
- All rise. The Honorable Laszlo
Well, you-you know who he is.
My lords and ladies of
- [BELCHES] jury.
- Ugh.
NANDOR: Is there any
more? Okay great.
He's never been very good
with his blood liquor.
If I may quote my favorite
comedian, Monty Python,
[BAD ACCENT]: "We better get a bucket."
[LAUGHS] He's gonna throw up.
- I think he's gonna puke.
No! Before that, I think what he was
going to say is that he
volunteers to take this
young vampire under his wing.
- NANDOR: Did he say that?
- GUILLERMO: Yes. And, of course,
make him, you know, work
off his transgressions.
And also, uh, vouch for any future,
uh, uh, behavior of his.
Right? Right, Laszlo?
- La Laszlo?
- NANDOR: That's a yes?
- That's a yes.
I think it would be so lovely for him
if you just let him win this
first case, just for Laszlo.
[SIGHS] Okay, fine. I don't
even care at this point.
- Release the prisoner.
NADJA: Laszlo has won a case!
Very good. Well done, my love!
- You won your first case ever!
- Well done. Well done, Laszlo.
Guillermo, you, uh, you saved me.
Oh, no. Thank your l yeah, all right.
Yeah. I guess it was
kind of me. [CHUCKLES]
NANDOR: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Guillermo, you step away
from that crate this instant.
- Get your hands off that lock
- immediately!
- NADJA: Guillermo,
hellhounds are not to be trifled with.
NANDOR: Don't do this!
Did you ever stop and think
that maybe this
creature was just hungry?
- Or afraid?
- D don't. Don't open that door.
- Or both?
Don't do it!
- Hey !
- There he is.
- [GASPS] Good boy. See?
He just needed some love and attention.
- Away, hellhound.
- GUILLERMO: Who's a good boy?
- Good boy.
- NADJA: How is he doing that?
Maybe it's part of his magical DNA.
- Lay!
[GASPS] Good boy.
And he's got an enchanted
nutsack as well, apparently.

Nobody gonna save you ♪
Nobody gonna try ♪
The clock, it fuels your madness ♪
And it pulls you out of time ♪
Yes, good evening, sir.
Introducing the Guy Pillow.
For the man that has
everything except
[GROANS]: Nah. Not interested.
I hereby command
you or whatever
to not be a dick about this right now.
I'm gonna be there on
your Judgment Day, y-yeah ♪
You punished all the innocent
and rewarded the cruel ♪
You threw out all the healers,
now surrounded by fools ♪
I'm gonna be there when
you stumble and you fall ♪
I'm gonna be there when no
one takes your call, no-no ♪
I'm gonna be there
for your hell to pay ♪
I'm gonna be there
on your Judgment Day. ♪
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