What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s03e09 Episode Script

A Farewell

GUILLERMO: Let's try this.
What does this look like? Huh?
Nandor's deprogramming is
taking longer than we thought.
Bat. Okay, let's try this. Who am I?
[WITH ACCENT]: "It's me, Nandor.
The world's greatest vampire."
I'm you.
Okay, how about this?
COLIN: Well, well, well.
Seems like what we have here
is a failure to communicate.
The prisoner will be reminded
not to try to bend these bars,
- or he might just end up getting the prod. [SCOFFS]
It's, uh it's, uh, getting hot.
[CHUCKLES]: It got hot.
Can I have the Thank you, Nandor.
NANDOR: So, it has come to this?
My own friends imprisoning me
on the word of my own
simpleminded familiar.
- Bodyguard.
- Familiar.
NADJA: Nandor, we are
just trying to help you.
I mean, look at you. You
are clearly brainwashed.
NANDOR: I am not brainwashed.
For years I have single-handedly
held this house together.
- You mock me.
You disrespect me, you contradict me.
Uh, no, we don't.
You are the laziest
vampire I have ever had
the misfortune of meeting.
Thank you.
Born with a silver dick in your mouth.
- Huh.
- Never even lifted a hand to help me in this house.
- Nope.
- Because they were both too occupied
giving constant self-pleasure.
Nadja, you openly laugh and mock me
for my romantic tribulations.
- Which are a cause of great pain for me.
And when it comes to matters
of the Vampiric Council,
when I say to do A,
it is guaranteed that
you will say, "Do B."
Uh, do me next. This is fun.
I would not even remember your name
if it was not written
on a piece of paper
that I keep in my pocket at all times.
- Shit, Nandor. That's low.
- Yeah.
That wasn't as fun as
I thought it might be.
And you!
I finally find a place where I am happy.
You drag me away from my
new life back into this hell.
I'm sorry, Master.
I am sick and tired of
being sick and tired,
which is why I've decided
there is only one solution.
It is time
for me to take a Super Slumber.
- No, no, no, no. That's No.
- [GASPING] Oh, it can't be.
- That's a terrible idea.
- What's happening?
What's happening?
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You sold out your dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪
A Super Slumber is an act performed
by the most desperate of vampire.
It is basically a vampire hibernation.
It is performed when times are
particularly hard for vampires.
A way of sitting out
a bad epoch in history.
The Super Slumber consists of a vampire
- sleeping for either 50 years, 100 years,
or worst-case scenario,
up to 300 years.
It is a choice worse than death.
Those who enter Super Slumber fall
into a dark, dreamless existence.
When they wake, they are
weak, pathetic, empty,
- starved nothings.
- And every human being they knew is dead,
and every vampire they knew
is scattered to the four winds
and started a new life without them.
It really is the most desperate
measure for any vampire.
And it must be respected.
I wish it had not come
to this, but it has.
Perhaps we will see each other again.
But probably not.
- Nandor, if I may?
- Yes.
[SOBBING]: "Nandor the Relentless,
I have enjoyed our time together
- at the Vampiric Council where we have achieved so much."
- Mm.
together we get it done.
[SOBBING]: "May this Super
Slumber ease your pain,
and may you awaken to a world
that is kinder to you
than we have been."
Thank you, Nadja.
- I, too, have written something.
- NANDOR: Yes.
- That's it.
Sorry, old chap, I thought I'd
written more, but I haven't.
- Thank you for that kind word.
There, there, Colin Robinson.
Let not my departure upset you.
No, it's not that. It's just
I can't help but think
that you're doing this
to get out of coming to my
100th birthday party tonight.
I did not even know that
it was your birthday today.
And that's another reason I'm crying!
Okay, well
kind of thought this moment was
gonna be a bit more about me,
but, uh, anyway, thank you all.
And now, I bid you all farewell.
- [CRYING]: Oh, farewell.
- Farewell. Farewell.
Don't film us like this.
[NORMAL VOICE]: Colin, come on.
- Eat shit.
[SIGHS]: Aye. Thank you.
Let go of my hand!
I wish you weren't doing this, Master.
My dear Guillermo.
You will miss me. Close the lid.

Please, guys.
Does everything have to be on camera?
Just can you please
just give me like a minute?
Just please.
what's done is done.
[GROANS] I come bearing news.
Why can't you use a fucking
door like anyone else?
What's the point of being
able to turn into smoke
if you're just going to
go around using doors?
- What is your news?
"The Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council
has invited you to receive
a delegation from the Old World
- here at your home,
with the intent of inspecting
the progress you've made thus
far in running the council."
LASZLO: This is a huge honor for us,
but like all huge honors,
it's a pain in the nutsack.
- But a huge honor all the same.
- Yes.
I have always dreamed of
meeting someone important.
No one important ever
came to our village.
There was one time that
the rubbish man came
to collect all the shit,
and he assigned, uh,
pieces of rubbish for the
children and autographed it.
We danced for the next three months,
so you can imagine this is just
Wow! Very exciting for me.
And when will this
delegation be arriving?
Let's see, on the night of
- What?
- At the hour of 8:30.
8:30 tonight?
- Mm-hmm.
- NADJA: This is all very, very soon.
Maybe they could come tomorrow night,
and then we could
really lay on a really
The Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council
does not shift things
around in their book!
All right, all right. Keep your hair on.
I've already arranged for some
local vampires to come round
for Colin Robinson's birthday.
The more the merrier.
- Wait. I I have to share my birthday party with a
- NADJA: Yes!
You're lucky to have a birthday party!
It's true. And now, you
and Nandor should prepare
some remarks about running
the council together.
- They're very intrigued.
- GUILLERMO: Well, the thing is
- 8:30 is perfect, thank you.
- GUIDE: Wonderful.
Geez Louise.
- Ideas?
- I should wake him up?
- We'll just wake him up.
- GUILLERMO: I should wake him up.
- Wake him up.
- Okay.

Master, I'm sorry.
NANDOR: Who is there,
and what is going on?
Sorry, it's me, Guillermo. Sorry.
800 years really went by so fast.
- Well, that's because technically
- Oh.
Guillermo, you look awful.
- Okay.
- The ravages of time have not been kind to you
and your formerly boyish face.
Okay, well, it's because it
not a lot of time has gone
- Tell me.
- You've been asleep for 30 minutes.
Then why are you waking me up?!
This is not an emergency at all.
But we have told everyone
that we are coleaders of the council.
Fine. I hereby relinquish my control.
You are now sole leader.
Congratulations, long live the Queen.
- Good night forever.
- But the delegation is going to think
- Nandor, come back. Come back.
- [GROANS] What?
Why don't you just delay your
Super Slumber a couple of days?
You wouldn't miss Colin
Robinson's birthday.
- Why do you have such a cock up
- Why would I give
- a flying fuck about that?
- for Colin Robinson's birthday?
Just inform the delegation
that I was a threat to power,
so you killed me.
You rule without mercy, remember?
- They love that shit.
- That would be a humiliating end for you.
Who cares? Not me.
So, good night, forever.
See you in 100 years, probably not.
Master, I really wish
you weren't doing this.
Again with the "make me a vampire" shit?
No. No, no, I don't even
care about that anymore.
- I just I don't want you to go.
So just stick around
for the next 100 years,
and we'll be together
again when I wake up.
I'll be 130 years old, aka dead.
You don't know that.
So maybe you should
spend the next 100 years
practicing to be less of a pessimist.
- I'm closing the lid now, thank you.
- No, w
- NANDOR: Guillermo!
- Sorry.
Just boarding your door.
Guillermo, what time is it,
and where is Colin Robinson?
- 8:28.
And he's on his way.
Shit, you haven't signed his card.
That's Colin Robinson's favorite song.
- Oh.
- Oh, good.
You guys added "The Hamster
Dance" to the playlist.
- I I want to make sure you gather around me
in a circle when I do the Humpty Hump.
You betcha.
Oh, they're here! Everyone
line up. Positions.
The Contessa Carmilla De Mornay.
GUIDE: This is Contessa
Carmilla De Mornay.
She's 1,000 years old,
possibly did it with a horse.
[SNICKERS] Contessa,
it is such an honor.
The pleasure is mine.
Please, if you make your way upstairs,
your blood banquet awaits you.
- Oh! Thank you.
Dominykas The Dreadful.
GUIDE: This is Dominykas The Dreadful.
It is said that he started the fire
that burned down the great
Library of Alexandria.
- Well, me and another guy.
Dominykas The Dreadful's
human lady friend, Coco.
- NADJA: What?
- LASZLO: What?
Okay, uh, so this is
My companion.
- Partner.
- Girlfriend.
[CHUCKLES] She keeps me young.
Yeah, we're engaged to be engaged.
I don't want to put a
label on what we have,
- which really is so special.
- Welcome. If you head upstairs,
the blood banquet does await.
GUIDE: You know he's not going to die.
You're not going to get his money.
- I'm gonna do the Humpty Hump later.
NADJA: [GASPS] This gentleman
needs no introduction.
He's very well-known to me.
This is Quinn, the great vampire.
Right-hand man of Deacon
Frost of the House Erebus.
Just a role I played. Donal Logue.
- So nice to meet you.
- Wait, so Donal Logue is
- on the Worldwide Vampiric Council?
- Yeah.
I kind of got jumped
in after Blade came out.
But you are a vampire, yes?
Yes. Kind of a funny story.
I was not a vampire when I filmed Blade,
but it was such a fun shoot
and I sort of fell in
love with the lifestyle,
so I decided to jump
in and go whole hog.
- Donal.
NADJA: Please, head upstairs, everyone.
- The blood banquet awaits.
- And it's my birthday.
Do you happen to have any
human food for my consort?
She doesn't like blood,
and she doesn't care much
for grown-up food, either.
Uh, Guillermo, do we have a Oh.
- NADJA: Bon appétit. Your wish is my command.
There you go and voilà.
- Chicken nuggies for the young lady
with a side of spaghetti
with only butter.
- Oh, my gosh. Okay, we need the name of your chef.
Do you have any ranch?
Ranch for the human consort!
COCO: Oh, my God, she's loud.
More blood, anyone?
- May I?
- Oh, of course.
- That is what they're there for.
- Oh, thank you.
Exquisite. [CHUCKLES]
You must try him, but just a sip
- and pass him along.
- Oh, yes.
Thank you for sharing, Donal.
I say,
has everyone remembered to sign
Colin Robinson's birthday card?
You have all met my
wonderful husband, Laszlo.
[QUIETLY]: Fuck off, Laszlo.
So, where is your coleader?
The famed Nandor The Relentless.
Ah, um, good The Nandor, yes, um
Nandor was a threat to my power,
so, uh, in order to run
the council correctly,
I, um
had no choice but to [CLEARS THROAT]
kill him dead.
- You what?
GUIDE: Excuse me?
- Excellent work, Nadja.
- How deliciously cutthroat.
- Huh.
You got to do what you
got to do and you did it.
I cannot hate on that.
- Oh!
[LAUGHS]: I killed him.
In order to pay our final
respects to a vanquished foe,
could we
see his body?
- Fix it.
- Okay.
Nothing would make me happier
than seeing the dead body
of your vanquished foe.

Master? Master? Master?
- Master?
You are kidding, right?
I have been in Super Slumber for, what,
20 minutes? Half an hour?
- It's actually been two hours.
- Oh, great.
A nice two-hour-long Super Slumber.
I've had orgasms that have
lasted longer than that.
- Really?
- Yes!
And it's not as pleasant
as it might sound.
Well, as you know, the
delegation is here, and
- Get to the good bit.
- Well, you need to pretend
to be dead so the delegation
can come see your dead body
and make sure that you're actually dead.
Why did you not just bring them in
and show me in Super Slumber?
A state that so closely resembles death
no one would ever know the difference.
Well, what if you accidentally woke up
in the middle of them
looking at your body?
That's a good point,
but I think the point I'd like to make
in countering that point is:
no one accidentally wakes up
- from a Super Slumber!
- Oh.
Not unless you come in
here and wake them up.
- Okay, well now that's that makes that's clear.
- Is it, though?
Because it really seems like
it's not quite sinking in.
So can I
Yes, fine, just bring these dummies in
and show them my dead body
so we can get this over with,
and I can finally
commence my long overdue
- and this time completely uninterrupted Hey!
- NADJA: Guillermo?
CARMILLA: Yes, a dead body.
NADJA: Guillermo? Is the
body ready for viewing yet?
- Yes, Mistress. It is.
Everybody, come around. Please.
We're going to take a very quick look
'cause it is going to be very sad.
- GUILLERMO: Very quick.
- NADJA: Okay.
- DOMINYKAS: Front row seat.
- Reveal the corpse.
All right.
- And there it is and that's enough.
- And then we
It's just a very great
loss for vampiredom.
- Mm-hmm.
- Very sad.
He truly was one of the greats.
Was he, though? Eh.
As a warrior, yes, he was.
As a vampire, he was okay.
Pretty good.
The jury is still out
on his legacy, I suppose.
- I don't disagree. Nandor The Relentless,
- we hardly knew ye.
May he sleep well.
- Yes.
- You know, we grow so weary of eternal life,
and yet when we come
face-to-face with eternal death,
it really makes you think
about big things, doesn't it?
CARMILLA: Yes, it does.
Speaking of big things,
I have heard that in addition to being
a ferocious and merciless warrior,
that Nandor The Relentless had
I have heard this as well.
DONAL: Heard what?
Oh, how to put this respectfully?
Uh, it is said that he had one
of the most impressive members
- in all of vampiredom.
Both in length and in girth.
- Well, that's true.
- GUIDE: Is it?
Um, I've heard I've
also heard it said.
- Shall we take a peek?
- Just for funsies?
- Oh.
- No.
- Just for funsies.
Oh, I-I think that would
be very disrespectful.
Dude is fucking dead. It's
not like he's gonna care.
I, too, want to see this
massive dong with my own peepers.
Something to tell the
grandkids about when I get home.
Familiar, reveal his member.
With all due respect, Contessa,
- I'm not a familiar.
Reveal his member.
Of course.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh,
boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
As you wish, Contessa.
Here you go.
- Step aside.
- DONAL: Hmm.
- DOMINYKAS: Well, there it is.
Huh. What do we think?
It seems pretty average to me.
Not substandard but
nothing special, really.
- Mm.
- GUILLERMO: I I also heard
that he was more of a
grower than a shower, so
I don't think so.
Okay, well, we we've
done that now, so
Look, I am not saying it's small.
No. No, it's not small.
- No.
- Maybe it was the density of the member
that earned such acclaim.
Oh, no.
Anything of note?
No, it seems to be of average weight,
and, uh what's the
word I'm looking for?
I guess so. It's not
Oh! "Wiggliness."
Yeah, just seems like a
standard mid-tier pecker to me.
- Hmm.
- Anyway, back to the blood banquet.
- Is it this way?
- Yes! Everybody this way, very quickly, come.
[CHUCKLES]: We don't want to
- CARMILLA: Thank you.
- Lovely to see.
- DOMINYKAS: Well, that was
much ado about nothing.
Is there a sanitizer?
DONAL: Nandor could've benefited
from just a touch of rigor mortis.
Thank you for that, Guillermo.
A wonderful send-off.
Now close the fucking
lid and get out of here.
Yes, Master.
So, now let us raise a glass of blood
to our guests and to ourselves.
Vampires now and vampires forever.
- Vampires forever!
Like we have a choice.
Well said, my darling, well said.
You are a tough act to follow.
But indeed I must, for
today is an auspicious day
for a couple of reasons, one of which
we are joined by such esteemed vampires.
The other happens to
be the 100th birthday
of our housemate, our friend,
and the energy vampire, Colin Robinson.
NADJA: Okay, why not?
Yes, uh, let us raise a
toast to Colin Robinson.
- [CHUCKLES] So, if every
- LASZLO: I remember
the first time I met Colin Robinson,
I thought to myself, "How can
one man be so fucking dull?"
It's true to say,
he's left his mark on Staten Island.
It's also true to say,
he's left his mark on my heart.
This is a wretched world
that we find ourselves in
full of cruel, disgusting people.
His main crime was that he's dull.
I don't even particularly
like the fellow.
I mean, I can't stand the man,
but I'm proud to call him my friend.
Please be upstanding for Colin Robinson.
- Bravo!
- And again, Colin Robinson.
So, if you would like to
make your way to the library,
we have laid on a live fuck show.
- [LAUGHS] Yes, that's right.
You can take your clothes
off on the way out.
- GUIDE: Right this way.
DONAL: Live fuck show?
What the fuck was that?
No one even knows who Colin Robinson is,
let alone gives a bloody
piss about his birthday.
- Why are you so obsessed with him at the moment?
- My darling.
- Colin Robinson is dying.
- What?!
Colin Robinson will be dead by sunrise.
LASZLO: There's nothing
we can do about it.
I've known for months.
The very first time Colin and I were
in the Vampiric Council Library,
he began searching for information
about energy vampires
and how they're made
and where he came from.
I knew there was a page
or two on energy vampires
in Edmund Wheelwright's
Compendium Vampirium.
But what I found shocked me.
"Energy vampires," it said,
"have a life expectancy
of exactly 100 years."
Why are you ripping that
page out of that book?
I'll wank my way and you wank yours.
On their 100th birthday
they expire.
So, does Colin know?
He doesn't.
I haven't had the heart to tell him.
And eventually, I realized,
better for the poor
bastard to not know at all.
Better for me to show him a good time
during his last months of life.
COLIN: Just the dudes.

And I feel I succeeded,
- but I also feel this could be the beginning of
- Uh
Hey, guys.
I think I'm gonna pass on
the the fuck-and-suck show.
I'm feeling a little funny tummy.
I'm gonna 23 skidoo and
lie down, take a nap.
Party on, dudes.
The dying has begun.
- LASZLO: Ooh.
NADJA: Hello, Colin Robinson.
- GUILLERMO: Hey, buddy.
- Hey, dudes.
Sorry I I'm ruining
my own birthday party.
You know what, though?
I feel like I'm rallying.
Maybe we can have some
birthday fun after all.
Oh, no, no, don't exert yourself,
- dear friend.
- No.
- Oh, okay.
[SINGSONGY]: That awkward moment.
No, it happens to the best
of us, doesn't it, boys?
You know? Is there
anything we can get you?
Can someone please fetch me a, uh,
diet ginger ale for my funny tummy?
He'll do that, and in the meantime,
I think you should just recall
the last 100 years' worth
of fun and friendship.
Yeah, actually I kind of feel like
the first 100 years of
my life were wasted, so
- Starting tomorrow,
Colin Robinson's motto is
"young, dumb and full of cum."
Well, that sounds marvelous, and, um,
if anyone else has anything to say,
I would say now is the time to say it.
GUILLERMO: Okay, Colin Robinson,
I know that sometimes you
Did you fetch him the
ginger ale for his tummy?
- Can I speak?
- Well, his stomach's not gonna repair itself, is it?
- Can I just speak please?
- Speak.
Colin Robinson
- I know that we're not related, you and I or anyone.
- He farted, not me.
- Carry on.
- And I was gonna say that
we don't treat each other, sometimes,
with the upmost respect or kindness,
but in a weird way we're still a family.
We're like a big family here.
I'll be right back.
Diet ginger ale.
LASZLO: For his tummy.

NANDOR: Hello, Guillermo.
Did you bring more people
to yank on my pee-pee?
No, Master.
Colin Robinson is dying,
and I figured we should
all be together for that.
You're too late. He's gone.
- He's dead?
- NADJA: Yes.
He let out one last quiet fart,
a gentle one, and then he expired.
You guys are really
incredible, you know that?
This fucking guy is not dead.
Nandor, he's dead.
Do you not remember the
last time he was dead?
When we dug his grave and
we buried him in the ground,
and it turned out he was
faking it the whole time
just to get attention.
And that was like the
fifth time we'd fallen
for his, "Oh, I'm dead" thing.
- Yes, well, this time it is real, Nandor.
- Enough!
Wake up, Colin Robinson.
Hey! Wakey, wakey!
Don't make me tickle you now.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Enough of this shit.
- Oh!
Guess he wasn't faking it.
Well, this is very sad.
If after having been
exposed to someone's presence ♪
You feel as if you've
lost a quart of plasma ♪
Avoid that presence ♪
You need it like you
need pernicious anemia ♪
Don't like to hear the
word vampire around here ♪
Trying to improve our public image. ♪

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