What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s04e05 Episode Script

Private School

The child who clawed
his way out of the abdomen
of our dead friend Colin Robinson
has reached that wild age.
That's mine. You'll take it off
- this second.
- Catch me, catch me!
He's a very active lad.
It feels like weeks since I
had had a good day's slumber.
Fucking little guy.
This ruckus never seems to end.
He's very loud, and unlike us,
he does not sleep during the day.
Nor does he sleep during the night.
When does he sleep?
I don't think he does.
Never a dull moment with that scalawag.
I'm pretty sure he must be part demon.
He's all boy.
A-well a-everybody's heard
about the bird ♪
B-b-b-bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word ♪
We tried to distract him
by buying him toys.
But he just breaks the toy
and plays with the box.
Which he then sets on fire.
Ah, well, at least
he's not showing signs of being a bore
or an energy vampire.
He has a very curious
and inquisitive mind.
- Colin, no!
- Gizmo, shut the fuck up!
We're doing a piece to camera.
As I was saying,
he has a very inquisitive
and curious mind.
That is just a very nice, bullshitty
way of saying that if we leave him
- unsupervised for even one moment
- Colin, no! No!
He runs down
to the bloody flooded basement
and wreaks havoc.
For no good reason at all.
Colin, no!
No, I think there's
method in his madness.
What we're seeing
are the early, tentative
explorations of maybe
a sculptor or an architect.
Or a psychopath.
- He's got a weapon!
- Maybe it's
He's got a weapon!
I'm gonna get you!
But he needs to go to school
so he can burn off some of this energy
and learn structure and be
around normal kids his own age.
- But he's not a normal kid.
- Mm.
He's a singer, he's a dancer,
he's an entertainer.
He's got the magic.
- You've got to do something!
- What about you?
- Have you been to a school?
- I have.
Actually, I happened
to go to public school
when I was little, and look at me.
I turned out fine.
Great plan.
Send Baby Colin Robinson to a school,
and he ends up like you.
I have been thinking.
Perhaps the answer
is to send Baby Colin Robinson
to a performing arts school
where they just pretend
to learn reading and writing
and math, but at least they're
out of the house for, like,
eight hours of the day.
What's going on here, then?
Have you had a haircut?
Why? Have you had a haircut?
Have you been watching Star Trek?
Let's not, uh, focus on looking at me,
okay, and focus on the big issue,
which is the Baby Colin, correct?
Okay. What if we send him
to a very selective private school
so he doesn't have to worry
about rubbing shoulders
with street tramps and dullards?
No. We have plenty of good
public schools here, and they're free.
I thought you were
doing the accounting.
Isn't the nightclub swimming
in the trillions?
No, we need that money
to fix the house.
And I wouldn't say "trillions."
No, definitely not.
How much money have we made this month?
Have to, like, crunch the numbers.
- Top of my head, I don't
- Hold on a second.
- Nandor, why don't you rub your genie?
- He is a djinn.
Well, whether he's a djinn
or not, give him a rub,
make a wish and
we can clean this bullshit up.
Well, I cannot do that.
- Why?
- Because I only have
a very limited number of wishes,
- and I cannot be wasting them.
- Selfish.
And anyway, I already asked him.
And he said that he is
from doing any kind of house stuff.
Of course I could ask the djinn
to make all of our troubles
with the house disappear.
But it's a very slippery slope.
Are you sure you haven't had a haircut?
First we fix the house. Then it's like,
"Oh, Nandor, can you wish
for a new rug?" or some shit.
And before you know it, all
of my wishes will be used up,
and I will have no more wishes
left to make a global impact.
Which is what I plan
on focusing on next:
You rang?
I did? Oh.
It was an accident.
So, uh, you are satisfied
with the results of your last wish?
Would you excuse us for just a moment?
Philanthropy stuff.
So, about my last wish.
I think the removing
of the wrinkles around the eyes
was a success, yes?
I live to serve.
Uh, however, I feel like
the smoothness of the skin
is now drawing some attention
to some bagginess under the eyes.
- Hmm. Come. Come, let me see?
- See here?
Meet me tonight in dreamland ♪
Under the silvery moon ♪
Meet me tonight in dreamland. ♪
Shit. Not again.
- Hey, guess what?
- What?
Do you guys have YouTube?
And have you seen the new MrBeast video
where he makes the world's
largest elephant's toothpaste?
- No.
- What the fuck
are you talking about?
We may look as children,
but we're 143 years old.
Oh, okay.
It's all right, boy, they don't
know what they're missing.
Come on. Let's get on
with the job in hand.
Now I come to think of it,
I suppose schooling
isn't such a bad idea
as long as he can have some japes
and tomfoolery with his young cohorts.
- My love, it will be very good
- Oops.
For him and very good for us.
Yeah, but none
of this public school shit.
- Mm.
- He's gonna be amongst the elites
like I was.
Well, I got some brochures here
on some very impressive private schools
in the area. Here you go.
- Hmm?
- I'm just gonna put it down here.
Well, you can forget this one.
Doesn't have a cricket field.
- Or even a whipping post.
- Good point.
And what do you pose
as a better solution?
Well, I would say, um
Uh this one looks good.
- That's, uh, that's a receipt.
- Oh.
Put me down, you idiot!
Stop struggling,
- you little rascal.
- You hurt my stomach,
- you dummy.
- Good little guy.
- Baby Colin!
- Whoa.
Nice try, asshole.
My back.
Little nephew found his way
over to my house again.
I caught him in the garage,
knocking, uh, holes in the drywall
- with a ball peen hammer.
- A thousand apologies to you, Sean.
What's this? You sending the
little guy to private school?
Yeah, we're thinking about it.
Oh. Well, you better add
Helen Country Day School to the list
'cause you're talking
to an HCD grad right here.
Really? Well, there you go.
That's where the boy shall go.
Yeah, I can help you with that.
I happen to be
very tight with the headmaster.
Don't you think
that's a rather hasty decision?
Sean went there,
and look how he's turned out.
- Right.
- Tuck his trousers
in and everything.
I've never been more cocksure
of any decision in my life.
Is everybody ready?
The headmaster's gonna be here
in ten minutes!
And remember, you're
just a regular human being
who likes to do regular human things.
You are not a vampire,
and if Oh, no.
"A" for effort on the whole
looking human aspect, but no.
Go upstairs and change
into whatever your least vampirey
vampire attire is.
- But that is this.
- Yes.
That is this?
- This is that.
- Okay, try this.
Oh, I love pizza so much.
That's pretty good.
We have some water for
Wait, what happened?
I thought you were gonna change.
I couldn't find anything else to wear,
- Guillermo. Just leave it.
- Okay, okay.
It's fine. You look great.
Okay, let's do this.
Oh! Here they are.
Now, don't you worry, big man.
You just do exactly
- what we rehearsed, all right?
- Mm-hmm.
Guys, here he is.
The man of the hour,
Headmaster Warren.
- Hi.
- Yeah.
Now, back when I was in school,
he was nothing
but a loser guidance counselor,
but he really helped me
set some more realistic goals
for college.
A four-year program isn't for everyone.
But you turned out to be
a fine young man, Sean.
Talking of fine young men, uh
- Oh! And this must be Colin.
- Go on.
Hello, young man.
It's my pleasure
to make your acquaintance, sir.
- And guess what?
- What's that?
I'm a remarkable smart lad
who can sing and dance,
and I never watch YouTube,
and I never pound holes
- in the wall using a hammer.
- Ah!
- Okay!
- Off you go, Colin.
I think we've had enough of that.
- It's your bedtime, I think.
- Please.
- Please, take a seat.
- Oh, out of the mouths of babes.
- Oh, so human of him.
- Yes.
So, uh, my apologies
for not being fully up to speed,
but, uh,
who exactly are the parents?
- Yeah.
- Uh
When I click my fingers,
you will enter a trance-like state
where you will hear nothing
or see nothing.
I will then click my fingers once more,
and you will regain consciousness,
remembering nothing of this pause.
We really should have figured
this out before they came.
Who are we gonna say the parents are?
Let's just say that I'm the
mother and you are the father.
- Good idea.
- That won't work, my darling.
I've already told him
I'm the boy's uncle.
- Shit.
- Fine,
I will be the father.
- Looking like that?
- Yes.
- Better than nothing.
- Well, look at him.
- Laszlo, get over it!
- Come on.
- Ouch! Nandor.
- Sorry.
Yes, hello.
We are Colin's parents. I am Nadja.
I carried him to full term.
Yes, and I am Matthew.
Well, I'd love to ask you
a few questions
- about yourselves and Colin.
- Mm.
Yes, and we can answer those questions
because we are very much
Colin's parents.
And I am Matthew.
So, uh, let's get into it.
How old is Colin?
- Twelve.
- Forty-two.
- Sixteen.
- One.
- He's nine years old.
- Nine!
- He's nine. ♪
- Nine.
Okay, great.
Is everybody going to be staying
for this next part, as well?
I mean, usually,
it's only the
I think he thinks it's weird
that it's not just me and Nandor.
- Matthew.
- I think it's weird
he wants you two alone in a room.
Well, if everyone's staying,
then I should stay, too.
You know, for human guidance.
Fine. I will fix this.
Uh, parents
- who do the interview.
- Good point, yes.
But I would like to say
that we're all going to stay
because we very much think of everyone
- in this room as members of the family.
- Mm-hmm.
So, please, meet our butler
and our groundskeeper.
I'm the groundskeeper, by the way. Ha!
Okay, then. One big, happy family.
Everyone helps out here.
- There's a lot of love in this family.
- Mm.
In fact, there's so much love,
apparently, you're with Nandor now
and Laz doesn't mind?
I mean, you know, it's no judgment.
What's the word
for what you guys are? It's
Oh, I was thinking filthy hippies,
but, uh, like I said, no judgment.
Right, Mr. Warren?
- Fuck's sake.
- Of course this is a disaster.
- He knows we're married, my darling.
- Let's just say
that I am the mother
and Laszlo is the father.
- Who am I going to be?
- You're the groundskeeper now.
Keep up.
Come on. Go, go, go, go, go. Careful.
I can see.
Careful, the camera. Stop. No.
- Stop. Ready.
- Okay?
So, uh
I'm sorry. Uh
- Where was I?
- I don't know.
I am just Matthew, the groundskeeper.
And there Colin was,
just perched on the top of the tree
like a little snake.
But not a snake.
A real human baby.
Very normal human baby.
And we had no choice
but to, um,
take him in, crying.
That is very odd.
- But really quite beautiful.
- Yeah.
We consider it a positive
to support family structures
that at one time
might have seemed unorthodox.
In fact,
I'd venture to say we have families
far less traditional than yours.
We aren't different enough.
We need a weirder family structure.
The more unorthodox we are,
the more chance we have
of getting him in.
No, I think we're doing fine
with the adoption angle.
We need to be gay.
No, there's plenty
of gay parents out there.
Trust me. Gay is in.
Gay is hot.
I want some gay.
Gay it's gonna be.
As you can see, we're Colin's two dads.
Wonderful. You know,
our school is quite proud
of our acceptance of family structures
- that at one time might
- Yeah, can I stop you there?
You need to know that we're
very gay for each other.
Completely gay.
We are like two French trombones.
And this guy?
I ream him nightly.
And I'm always sucking him off.
They are like, "Come, it's dinner!
Stop sucking off your gay husband!"
Which is amusing,
- 'cause I am dinner.
- Nadja. Nadja.
- And I just carry on reaming him.
- Nadja. Nadja.
Sexually. You must understand that.
Hey! You got a problem
with these guys being gay?
- I will ream you.
- No.
- No, I don't have a problem.
- You better not.
'Cause I don't mess with homophobes.
- It's the 20th century now.
- Thank you for that, Sean.
- Well said.
- Please just freeze them. Okay?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
What'd you do that for?
That was going great.
If you're gonna do this,
just hold hands and act normal.
Stop talking about
your explicit sexual activities.
- Why?
- Jealous.
Y-Your relationship aside,
could you tell me
a little bit about Colin?
Oh, yes. Yes, they can.
We can.
- Yeah. Um, Colin is a
- Um
- Give us a minute.
- Okay.
- He
- Colin
Colin is a bright and energetic boy
who's eager to make friends.
His favorite number is 31.
His favorite color is brown,
and he loves both classic stage
and movie musicals.
He's actually quite a gifted
singer and performer himself.
For a non-parental figure, you
sure seem
to know a lot about Colin.
You bragging about all your
Colin Robinson knowledge
is making all of us look like skata.
But no one was saying anything,
so I had to say something.
Now he's going to think we're
those absentee parent types
who know nothing about their children
and let the nanny do all the work.
Yeah, well, you are.
You want to be king
of Baby Colin Robinson?
has it been hard raising Colin alone
by myself
as a single parent?
Perhaps that's why we're so close.
We only have each other in this cold,
- scary world.
- Could I interest you in some
refreshments? Uh
Potato chips, some eggs,
cigarette, or perhaps a nice, ripe
- Did that upset you?
- I'm sorry, what?
Well, you look a little, uh,
surprised, or maybe
troubled by what Guillermo just said.
No. That's just
This is how I look
when I get my allergies.
You know, one of the parents
at our school is a
top-notch allergist. I could
put you in touch with him.
- Yes.
- A very nice family.
Uh, his wife is a wonderful actress,
but it wouldn't be appropriate
for me to mention her name.
- Absolutely, no.
- Oh, go ahead.
- Tell us.
- No, no.
Come on.
Let's just say that you would
recognize her from
more than a few episodes
of Law & Order.
Law & Order. I was going to say
Okay. I know what's going on here.
It's as clear as day.
This motherfucker is a starfucker.
What? No, I don't think
that's what he meant.
Yes, that is what these schools want.
They want the famous parents,
so they can be like,
"I couldn't possibly
"say anything, but
"Lionel fucking Barrymore's kids
might just go here."
Nadja's right.
He fucks stars.
Where can we find
a celebrity, and fast?
Well, this is Staten Island,
which is a veritable
playground for the glitterati.
This way.
So, yeah, as long as it's SAG minimum,
- I'm down for anything.
- Who's this guy?
Shut up.
It is actually very interesting
you say that
because, uh, Colin's father here, Mr
Sal Vulcano,
is a very famous actor also.
I wouldn't consider
what I do acting, but
This is Colin's father,
you know, the guy from
Incomprehensible Jesters.
- Impractical Jokers
- Nobody cares.
Just sit there silent.
So, Sal here
- is Colin's father?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Or
I'm sorry, it's
been a long day, and my memory
isn't what it once was.
Whoa. Who the hell is that guy?
- It is me, Nandor.
- Oh, no, no.
You're not Nandor.
Okay, fine, fine, I am not Nandor.
I am Adolfo,
the butler or some shit.
- Yeah, all right.
- Right.
So who exactly are the parents here?
Uh I'm not sure I get
the joke of the bit.
Prick was getting on my nerves
with his jibber-jabber.
We'll drain him later.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If you can hypnotize them
for them to freeze
and forget everything,
wouldn't it be easier to just
hypnotize Headmaster Warren
into allowing Colin
into the school
without all this play-acting?
Did this bitch
just say what I think he said?
- He did.
- Are you off your tits, boy?
- What?
- He is.
We are in far too deep now, baby.
The only way forward
is to stick to the plan.
Little Colin has so many hobbies,
it's just very hard to keep track.
Yeah, he definitely loves
his big little head, you know?
It's always bobbling all around.
Like yours, honey.
This one and that one,
they're all bobbling.
The pain of childbirth is nothing
compared to the pain of child rearing.
That's beautifully said.
It's definitely not easy
being a single mother,
but I love Baby Colin, my son.
What the actual fuck is that?
Is that a talking doll?
So, um, please to tell me a little bit
about Colin's hobbies?
Who is Colin?
Colin is our son, my darling.
Just to be clear, old-timer,
I'm not always the sucker, and he's
not always the reamer.
Though, he does ream me nightly.
Adolfo, you dirty dog.
Wait a second, haven't we
already done this one?
- Seany!
- Hey!
Yo, Lasz.
You know what? I'm not doing this.
I'm sorry to cut this short,
but my head is killing me.
Oh, you, too? I got, like,
the mother of all migraines.
Anyway, it's been
a most informative evening.
So, uh, do you have
Colin's transcripts?
What's that?
His transcripts
from his previous school.
- He's never been to school
- I'll have them sent over tomorrow.
So, yeah, I pulled a few strings to get
the guidance counselor
from my old school
to work up
a fake transcript for Baby Colin.
You know, not really happy
about dipping
into the nightclub fund for it,
or the whole bribery thing in general,
but it's what's best for the child.
Anyways, uh, I'm gonna go
for a little walk,
and I'll catch you guys
back at the house, okay?
You take care of that, all right?
Hey, guys.
Uh, what's up?
I thought we wrapped for me,
I was wrapped for the day.
This isn't what it looks like.
I mean, sure, yes, I've had, you know,
access to more cash lately,
ever since I became
the bookkeeper for the club,
I know I shouldn't be stealing
from the club, and I'm not stealing.
I was just putting some cash aside
to pay myself.
It's not even about me.
It's about family, okay?
I just happen to have two families
I got to take care of, huh?
Just like you have a family.
I'll put it right there.
No takers?
Pick it up, lad!
That's it. Come on.
- Baby!
- Power through.
- Oh!
- This is embarrassing.
These kids need to watch
some more Dream Team footage
and then play like that.
Shut up bitching.
He's doing a marvelous job.
Well, after all our hard work,
Baby Colin did not get accepted.
Apparently, Headmaster Warren
suffered a massive stroke
only hours after meeting up with us.
The reason for that is
most human beings
can only take seven hypnoses per hour.
That man went through 428.
So we didn't have to start
all over again,
we decided to enroll Baby Colin
in every community sports league
we could think of.
The volleyballs, softballs
- And large balls.
- Baseballs,
sports balls
Human stuff.
They're obsessed with balls.
Kill them! Kill them dead!
Don't you think we might be
- pushing him a little too hard?
- No.
This is essential
for his college application.
Plus, he's having a great time.
Put it in the basket!
That's my boy!
- Yes, Colin!
- Time for hockey.
And now, finally, the boy's
too tired to be such a little shit.
So, ultimately, I realized
I have been completely ruining my life
and my face.
What is ironical is that
I was only doing this to make myself
look better for my wife Marwa.
This was for her, not for me.
So, back to one?
if you would be so kind.
I live to serve.
Yes, you do.
Kind of tickled.
- I say, Nandor
- Yeah?
You really need to quit
with the plastic surgery.
You look insane.
Ha, ha. Very funny, Laszlo.
- No reaming for you tonight.
- Oh.
No reaming, no sucking, no tickling,
no fingering, no fucking.
And don't even think about
on my door like
a little horny squirrel.
You can bury your own nuts.
Tonight's take.
Oh, and a very good night indeed.
It's all there.
- Thank you, Guillermo.
- Okay. Yeah, you're welcome.
This is not what it looks like.
No. It's exactly what it looks like.
Oh, um,
if you tell anyone this,
I will kill you and your entire family,
and I will invite all your
friends to their funeral,
and then I'll kill all
of them, too, so
your choice.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode