What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s04e07 Episode Script

Pine Barrens

Once we clear Keasbey,
it's a straight shot
down the Garden State Parkway
until we hit the Pine Barrens.
And let me tell you, the Pine Barrens
is some forest primeval shit.
Sean has invited us
to his family's cabin
in the New Jersey woodlands.
The Pine Barrens.
Which is the same thing.
For a weekend hunting trip.
We vampires do not hunt.
Of course we fucking do.
We hunt humans.
Does that count, though?
Nothing wrong
with a long weekend
away from the ladies.
"We dem boys," am I right?
- Yes.
- Indeed, but remember,
Nandor and I need to be back
no later than 5:00 a. m. on Sunday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have jobs
at the railroad.
You're like a broken record, Laz.
Yes, we them boys
who work at the railroad.
You know,
that kid looks like the spitting
image of Colin Robinson.
It's like Little Baby Dilbert
over here.
Well, as we mentioned before,
Colin Robinson is the child's uncle,
so according to genetics,
that story makes perfect sense.
Yeah, whatever.
Hey, cornbread,
what you playing back there?
Oh, no. What the fuck
Oh, it's a game called
"Welcome to Bloxburg,"
and it's a game on Roblox
and you can build your own house
or get a job like a pizza maker
or woodcutter
or insurance adjust
You look very nice in the bath.
Look at you.
- Thank you, honey.
- With the boys being away
on this hunting trip with Sean,
it is just so nice
to have the house
to myself for a change.
To ourselves. There's two of us.
Oh, yes. Of course.
It's really nice to have
the whole house to myself,
for once.
Since Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja
and Baby Colin are all gone,
I get to choose what I want
to do for a change.
We really needed a break
from Laszlo, Nandor, Gizmo,
and the small weird creature
that clawed its way out of
the abdominal cavity
of our deceased
former friend Colin Robinson.
It's rare that
anyone leaves me alone,
so I'm gonna have my family
over tomorrow night.
I've been putting it off for, like
12 years?
This house, it can be
a lot of male energy.
Oh. I mean, duh.
So while
they're off in the forest,
we will be having a good, old-fashioned
sloppy girls' night at home.
- Yes.
- And you know,
I think the weekend will be
very good for the boys, too.
Did you want to help with the bags?
I wasn't planning to, no.
- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.
Laszlo and Nandor
have been bickering a lot recently.
You know, for the past one or two or
actually, about 80 years.
You want to help with the door?
I wasn't planning to, no.
- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.
It's good that they're
going to have a chance to reconnect.
Put all the
bags in there, all right?
Now, that up there,
I got that when I was 14.
Took me nine shots, but I got it.
First time I ever saw something die.
But it wouldn't be the last.
Well, marksmanship
clearly runs in the family.
That's a very impressive
collection of firearms.
Oh, yeah. Well,
it's mostly my granddad's.
He started collecting them
when he bought the cabin
from this Polish guy
he used to bowl with,
you know, before the cataracts.
It's always sad when a Polish
fellow gets cataracts.
No, I think what Sean is saying
is that his grandfather
got the cataracts,
which is why he could
no longer do bowling
- with the Polish fellow.
- Actually,
- the problem was
- No, no, hold on, Sean. No.
The Polish fellow got the cataracts,
ending his bowling career,
cutting his income,
forcing him to sell
this cabin, clearly.
The problem with Laszlo
is that he cannot admit
that there's something
that even he does not know.
He thinks that he knows all things.
And if there's one thing
I cannot abide,
it is someone
who's a know-it-all-things.
- Actually
- If I could just take a moment, Sean,
I know a thing or two about fellows,
and I would say it is more than likely
that the Polish fellow went
bowling with other fellows for fun
and not for his livelihood.
Nandor's problem is
he has a bird-sized brain
in a mammoth-sized body.
Wouldn't you say?
Well, you see, that theory
betrays an ignorance
- Oh
- for the many Polish fellows
that have done very well vis-à-vis
bowling competition money.
Agree to disagree.
Boy, do your thing.
Hey, Siri, search "Polish
bowlers top cash prize earners."
I found this on the web
for "bowling Polish
top cash prize earners."
- Check it out.
- Yes?
It's a Wikipedia page
for someone called Daria Pajak.
Read the page.
"Daria Pajak is a professional
bowling player
- from Poland"
- From Poland.
"who competes on the
professional women's bowling"
- That's right, my boy.
- Shut up!
- Hey!
- Very mature.
- Right.
- So, what are we doing?
Time for a little hunting of our own.
The most dangerous game
- Hunting humans
- The hunters become the hunted.
Fucking hell. Stop interrupting me.
I have recently been
with echolocation.
- Hey, Lazzo, guess what?
- What?
I need more Robux to buy
gamer wings for my avatar
- because guess what?
- What?
- I already have the Gamer Cloak.
- Enough.
You're going to scare away the humans.
Silence is the hunter's
greatest weapon.
And you're shitting all over it.
Uh, can we go? I'm on eight percent.
You know, you're lucky
to have a guy like Lasz
- taking care of you.
- I guess.
Sometimes I think that Lazzo
doesn't like me so much.
Are you kidding me? He loves you.
He's always saying,
"I'm not gonna have you grow up
to be a bald-headed,
energy-sucking bore."
Huh, that's why my old man
wouldn't let me watch PBS.
Do you think I'm boring?
What? You got your little computer pad,
and a stick.
And a whole bunch of other
neat stuff, right?
What else do you like doing?
Well, I like to go
into the basement in the house
and smash holes
into the wall with a hammer.
Like, really hard.
Just over and over again.
Just smashing and smashing
and smashing, and I can't help it.
It makes me feel good.
But like, only walls, right?
You don't like, uh
smashinga person or something?
So our evening
is off to a wonderful start.
There's a girl in the village
With one very small foot. ♪
Mrs. Nandor the
Relentless has joined us,
and she fits right in.
She looks very like a girl
from my village called Celina,
but she's just wearing
much less pig skin.
You can do it.
Go me. Go me.
Sometimes you just gotta
cool out with your ladies,
have a proper female fuck-about.
Nearly ready. Voilà.
Dang it.
Bienvenidos. Pasen. Gracias.
Thank you for inv
Oh, no se preocupen de las cámaras,
este, los contraté
para que grabaran el
el cumpleaños de la abuela.
- Feliz cumpleaños.
- Muchacho, ay.
Ay, mi hijo.
Siempre tan considerado.
Las chamarras, quítensela.
Quítensela. Aquí es su casa.
- Look, he's like the butler.
- I am not the butler.
I told them that you guys are
here making a video montage
for her birthday, so I guess
that's what we're doing now.
It looks like Tarzan lives here.
Oh, it's just eco-friendly.
Is your Versace blouse eco-friendly?
- It's real Versace.
- You know, they make that
- in menswear too, right?
- Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.
Okay, why don't we go upstairs?
Pasen, pasen, pasen.
Oh, careful, there. I It's messy.
There's thorns here, so be careful.
- Más basura.
- Aquí estamos.
Está lindo, mama, ¿verdad?
Bueno, bienvenidos.
Mira estos platos, qué lujosos.
She's really impressed.
¿Te dieron una promoción
en el Panera o qué?
No, no, no, mamá.
Trabaja en el ferrocarril,
Oh, you're
still at the railroad.
You're working at the railroad?
Yeah, I work at the railroad.
What happened to the Panera Bread?
Speaking of bread, do you want some?
- Oh, I got a promotion.
- That's right.
You got a promotion?
How does a fool get a promotion
from a Panera Bread to a railroad?
- How does that happen?
- It was a
- It was at a train station.
- A train station?
The Panera Bread was
at the train station.
- What train station?
- Penn Station.
Nah, nah, nah. Sabes que, homie.
There ain't no Panera Bread
at Penn Station.
It was a pop-up.
Pop-up shop.
Slower, don't pull!
Ooh, ooh! I have an idea.
- What?
- Let's watch Mamma Mia!
Uh, yes.
Mamma Mia is
my favorite, favorite
film to watch when
I am missing my homeland,
but Laszlo never
lets me watch it. He says
"My darling,
I can't watch that.
"It reminds me
of all the bastard children
I fathered when I was a human."
Then the other two guys,
they hear this screech in the woods.
And they hightail it out of there,
but they never found the third guy
because you know who got him?
The Jersey Devil.
- The Jersey Devil.
- Uh-huh.
Hey, Mr. Rinaldi,
- guess what?
- What?
I don't believe
the Jersey Devil is even real.
All righty, then.
I guess is not my fault
if he comes and eats you.
Okay, well, if he's so real,
then what does he look like?
He's got dragon wings,
and a half-goat horse face
with a chinstrap beard like an Amish.
And he's got hooves and horns,
and two low-hanging balls
with a button cock on top.
And he creeps through the Pine Barrens,
looking for little kids
who don't believe in him.
And he goes, "clomp,
clomp, clomp!"
Uh Everyone all right?
I got to fix the safety
on that one, huh?
No, the Jersey Devil is not real.
It is just a myth that vampires made up
to explain all the dead bodies
that we leave in the woods.
Sean may be my best friend,
but like all humans,
he doesn't realize
when he's been fucking had.
Sean is your best friend?
Yes. Why?
No reason.
Here's to spending
the weekend with you, Sean.
- I'll drink to that.
- Yes, cheers.
There's just something special
about "guy time," you know?
- Hear, hear.
- Yes.
Sean, time to go beddy bye.
- Whatever.
- Here we go.
- I got a deer.
- Mind your head.
- Ooh, that hurt.
- What are you doing?
This is seriously
the funnest level
I've ever done on Roblox.
- Is it as cool as this?
- Careful, Laszlo.
Take it from a soldier:
That thing is a weapon, not a toy.
The last time you saw battle
it was just swords and wooden clubs.
I'd hardly call you an authority.
Oh, when you're near me,
darling ♪
Can you hear me ♪
And the love you gave me ♪
Ah. This dynamo needs a top-up.
So, uh, I'm gonna go
and get one. Anyone else?
- No, I'm good.
- Nah.
Do you want me to pause it or?
Oh, no, don't worry.
I'll only be a moment.
The love you gave me ♪
Nothing else can save me ♪
- Whose this, Guillermo?
- The maid.
I'm Nadja of Antipaxos.
I'm rich now, so I have
- I have a maid.
- ¿Es tu novia, no?
Sí, sí, es que
Girlfriend? Since when?
Yeah. I did say
Nadja was my girlfriend.
The lies just pile up
on top of each other, you know?
Over the years, you just
can't keep track.
Isn't that right, Nadja?
You're both my girlfriend and
- my maid.
- Wow.
It all started, actually,
when my mom was trying
to set me up with
her church friend's niece
and just to get her off my back,
I said I was dating Nadja.
Please don't tell Laszlo.
Es como Daphne y Niles.
Daphne wasn't the maid.
She was Frasier's dad's
physical therapist.
Nadja, acompáñanos, ¿sí?
- Join us.
- Uh
Por favor.
Okay. Lovely.
Guillermo, your girlfriend
was here this whole time,
and you didn't invite her
to eat with your family?
Yes, Guillermo can be a little
bit of a big rotten shit bag.
- ¿Te llamó shit bag?
- Yeah.
One of my many sweet little
cheeky pet names for him.
My boyfriend and
- boss.
- Guillermo,
¿me puedes enseñar dónde está el baño?
Sí, claro, abuelita.
Nadja, hola.
I am his mom.
- Bienvenidos.
- Sí.
Oh, sí, claro.
I mean, I guess
I never thought of it before,
but, yeah, it makes sense.
If I have Van Helsing DNA,
then so would my grandma
and the rest of my family.
Which makes it
not-a-so good.
Los goosebumps.
I haven't a clue who
this Gena Lee Nolin is, but
I wouldn't mind that in my lunch box.
I have a question, Laszlo.
What did you mean
by what you said before?
- What did I say before?
- About the pistol.
You said I was hardly an authority.
Well, exactly that.
You haven't seen any action
in nigh on a millennium.
Probably more accurate
to call you a former soldier
than a real soldier, wouldn't you say?
I am and always will be
Nandor the Relentless.
I suppose I should not
expect you to understand
what it means to be a soldier.
Were you not kicked out of your
Rifle Corps, your fancy-pants
college for wealthy lads?
I think you're referring to Eton,
and I told you that in confidence.
Surprise, surprise.
The talk suddenly turns to Laszlo
and he's put his sticky mag down.
I was listening to everything.
It's just the same old, shrill tune.
Sounds like someone's
a little jealous he's not
the number one guy in the house.
Says the guy who left
the house to "find himself"
and come back
with his tail between his legs.
That was an important step
in my personal journey.
And a good thing I did come back
since the house went to
piss-filled shit on your watch.
You remember to watch your
language in front of my boy.
Piss-filled shit house!
Did you get that?
- Yep.
- I shouldn't be surprised.
All you ever do is lay about
or tinkle on your piano
or have sex with Nadja
wherever and whenever you please!
How is that an insult?
Sounds to me like life goals
achieved, me old fruit.
You take and you take
and you take.
You took the seat in the Honda Element
that wasn't behind Sean's seat
in the Honda Element,
even though you know
that Sean likes his seat
in the Honda Element
pushed right far back,
and I have the longer legs!
Did you just
cock your weapon at me?
I took that seat
so I would have a
diagonal vantage point
to talk to my friend Sean fluidly.
I should've known.
All the way back when we first
moved into the mansion
and you had first pick
of the bedchambers,
even though we all agreed
that I would have first pick!
Now you're being absurd.
What the fuck's that?
"Whereas we three vampires do agree
"upon the following order
for the selection of bedchambers
"on our new home
on the rocky shores of Staten Island."
"First pick,
Nandor the Relentless."
Well, suck on this. "Amendment:
In the absence of all
"household vampires
at the appointed time
"of bedchamber selection,
"a quorum of two-thirds present
may pro ceed."
You can't even stand to lose
an argument, can you?
You know what you are?
You are what my best friend Sean
might describe as a proper jabroni.
I am not a jabroni.
- You are jabroni!
- Jabroni.
- Jabroni.
- Jabroni.
- Jabroni.
- Jabroni.
Ahh! Shit!
Shit, you shot me in the fucking hand.
- Well, you would
- Ow!
What the hell
is going on in here?
I heard shots.
No, you didn't.
- Where's the kid?
- He was right there.
- Door's open.
- It's Aw, shit.
Oh, shit.
So you actually enjoy
to eat a bowl of fungus.
- Voluntarily?
- All kinds of fungus.
I'm not a "fun-guy."
At first, I had no interest
in pretending to be whoever
this Daphne person is,
but I am loving Gizmo's family.
You're so lovely and nice,
compared to
Oh, here he is,
my rotten little shit bag.
Come here.
I cannot believe that
such a group of fresh, dazzling
moonbeams are related
to such a gray dud.
Do all of you have a very bad
visions like Guillermo?
'Cause I have heard
that the broken eyes
can run in the families.
No, no, no. I used to, but then I got
the laser treatment, you know, that
- The Lasik.
- Lay-kips?
- No. Lasik.
- Lipschitz.
Ay, Dios Santo. Cálmate.
- That's what I said.
- Sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell all like that.
I don't know what came over me.
I just you know. It's Lasik.
- People know about this shit.
- Uh So, anyway,
in my family we don't
have the broken eyes,
but all of the men have one arm
quite a bit shorter than the other arm.
Fuck, is it getting hot in here?
Or is it just me?
Miguel. Miguel, will you let her
tell her fucking story?
- Oh, oh.
- Má.
Please, go on. Please, please.
And so where-where was I?
So the neighbors
would shout at all the men,
"Make your arms the same length!"
I'm fucking, like
about to catch on fire
or some shit.
Something's fucking wrong, Memo.
Eres un monstruo
y debes de morir.
What the fuck?!
Demonio maldito chupa sangre,
aléjate de mi nieto.
Abuelita, abuelita.
Abuelita, abuelita.
Fucking hell!
Abuelita, abuelita.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Why is there so much fucking
sharp wood in this house?!
Nadja, I really have
to tell you something about my family!
Yes, Guillermo, I've put it together,
- you bloody moron.
- ¡Mami, no!
Oh, my God, we're here for a wedding
I think it's Pierce Brosnan.
He has to be the papa, no?
- Obviously.
- I hope he is,
but I worry there will be a twist.
How long is this movie?
You come into my house?
Do you have any idea who
the fuck you are messing with?
Never mind.
Don't hurt her!
No. No, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, don't hurt her!
No, Mami. No, no, no!
Guillermo, ella es un monstruo,
peligroso, malvado.
Yes, I know, I know, okay?
I know she's a vampire.
I've always known.
Nadja lives in this house.
Okay? And so do
another group of vampires.
And I don't work at the railroad.
I work for them.
I work for the vampires who live here
because I hope to become
a vampire myself one day.
And Nadja is not my girlfriend
because I'm gay.
- Mijo.
- Wait.
You want to be a vampire?
Hey! Being a
vampire is very cool.
We don't give a shit
about you being gay.
We've known that forever, I mean
- Yeah, we knew that.
- Una madre sabe.
- Una madre sabe.
- Really? Everyone knew?
- Come on, Mo.
- ¿Todos?
Familia es familia, homie.
I was so worried because I
- We love you.
- Oh, mami, gracias.
Oh, gracias.
- No, wait, she's gonna try to kill you.
- Ay!
Come out, Baby Colin Robinson.
- Nandor.
- Oh, Baby Colin Robinson!
Nandor, look, I-I didn't mean
to hurt you. I
You shot me.
No, I shot at you, it's true.
But you've been a fucking pill
this whole trip,
and for no good reason.
Maybe I did have a reason,
which was
I was a little upset
thinking about "guy time,"
how we don't have it so much,
you and I.
We used to.
Now you're always
clinking beers with Sean or
rehearsing songs with
the Baby Colin Robinson.
We never hang anymore.
Bro, I'm not very comfortable
with emotional flamboyance,
as well you know.
I'll be brief. My feelings aren't
too dissimilar to your own.
I've missed us.
All right.
- Baby Colin!
- Boy!
Hey, guys.
What have I told you about
running off, you little prick?
I heard something weird outside,
but you were too busy fighting
about jabronis and
- Help!
- Sean?
- Shit.
- Quickly.
Oh, boy.
- Over there.
- Jeepers.
- The fuck is that shit?
- Kill me!
The Jersey Devil, fucking hell.
He's real?
Look at the size of his balls.
Where's my magic flute?
I hid it in the car
'cause it was annoying me.
Kill me and get it over with!
Shoo. Go away.
Yes, it's working.
He's falling under your spell.
Whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa.
Oh, shit.
- I'm gonna get my shotty.
- Nandor
I've been double crossed by the devil.
Hey, fuckhead, that's my friend
you've got there, you let him go!
- Lights out!
- Aah!
- Kick him in the dick.
- Oh, yes.
- He's on me!
- He's not going down.
Oh, shit.
Hey, Siri,
play some New Jersey music.
Get your hands off my ass.
This isn't
what I want to be doing.
Grab his balls, man.
- I've got them, I've got them!
- No, that's me.
Fucking hell.
Tommy used to work on the docks ♪
Union's been on strike ♪
Hold on, I'll skip to the good part.
We're halfway there ♪
Whoa-oh ♪
- Livin' on a prayer ♪
- Yeah.
- Take my hand ♪
- Get him, Lazzo.
- We'll make it, I swear ♪
- Human form!
Whoa-oh ♪
Kill him, get his button cock.
It's working, I'm draining him.
I'm draining him, too.
Hey, I found the rifle!
Fucking Jersey.
Okay, can we go home now?
Prepare to die, you vile
- vampire
- No, Nadja, no, don't, please.
Okay? I didn't know you were even here,
- and I tried to warn you
- Shut up, Guillermo.
I am about to drink
the blood of your entire family
of vampire-killing evil verm
No, no, stop, okay? Please.
I'm begging you.
Just hypnotize them, okay?
Hypnotize them
so they forget everything.
Like it or not, they're my family.
Just just like
you're my family, Nadja.
I so rarely care
what Guillermo thinks
or feels or says or does,
but I know what it is like
to watch your entire family
die in front of you.
And it's not great.
I watched my Uncle Andreas get
crushed to death by a donkey,
and the donkey was his wife.
And then she, the donkey,
died of alcoholism.
And now I have had no real
family for hundreds of years.
Also, if Guillermo
doesn't have a family,
is he going to start calling me "mami"?
Bad enough his relationship
with Nandor, so, no, thank you.
Okay, fine!
- But on one condition.
- Anything.
Keep Nandor, Laszlo,
and the small Colin creature
away from the house
at least one night a month
so I can have it to myself.
obtain for me a copy of
Mamma Mia! 2: Here We Go Again.
I'm just super glad
that everything worked out.
And that my family is safe.
And that they were hypnotized
and now the house will be safe.
Most importantly, I'm just glad that
they finally know the truth about me.
Well, besides the bit about you
working at the railroad.
Okay, yeah.
And the giant bit
about you being desperate
to be a vampire.
Okay, yeah, but Nadja made sure
that they remember the part about me
telling them that I'm gay, so
I mean,
- who isn't gay?
- A lot of people.
Oh, okay.
I'll get the trumpets out. Sorry.
After we vanquished
the Jersey Devil, we drove home
- before sunrise.
- No, I drove.
We hypnotized Sean, but
I'm worried that we fucked him.
- Oh, you can make a pizza tree?
- Uh-huh.
I just made ten Robux.
What's the street value to that?
But we did manage
to bring home a little
souvenir from our weekend.
What the fuck is that?
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