What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s04e09 Episode Script


What can I say?
The nightclub has really
taken off recently.
Nadja's has become the hot spot
for the tri-state area
vampire community.
And I, its queen.
Most of the vampires lining up
won't get in due to general ugliness.
- Move!
- Okay, you two in the denim capes,
it ain't happening.
Fly back to New Jersey.
This place has even started
attracting human celebrities,
which is really great for business.
There's three of them now.
Sofia, you stupid bitch,
when are you gonna put me
in one of your movies?
I want to show the camera
my bling ring.
Hey, Colin really is
performing tonight, right?
We are very excited, man.
We've been hearing about him for weeks.
Colin is going to be on stage
in three minutes.
Great, that kid is incredible.
More than a star, he's a phenomenon.
He does have a certain
je ne sais quoi.
He must have brain scrambles.
That was utter gibberish.
Can I just ask you,
what's the "Celebrity Special,"
and is it really $5,000?
Oh, the Celebrity Special!
Something you're interested in?
- Yes, very much.
- Yes, please.
- Jim?
- Oh, not for me.
We're shooting in the morning.
And, really, I don't make
that kind of money.
Oh. Celebrity Special for two, anyone?
Okay, uh
You two, over here.
May I present for you
the Celebrity Special?
It's to die for.
Oh, shit, that looks so real.
It's so much more fun
when the celebrities actually
ask for it themselves.
He's empty.
Come on, you guys. You are really good.
That is amazing.
- Do the head.
- That's right.
Do the head Do the head
I could never
afford a gag like this.
That's amazing.
We're so glad you're enjoying
the show, Jim.
Over here!
- Sofia?
- You think that the celebrities
would have caught on by now,
but I have got Chloë Sevigny
and Tiki Barber booked
for tomorrow night,
and the great Fran Lebowitz
on Thursday.
She says what we're all thinking.
Okay, time for my little
moneymaker, Baby Colin.
Let's get on with the show.
Now, where is he?
Are you fucking kidding me?
What do you mean that
Baby Colin is not performing?
He goes on every night at 3:00 a. m.!
I know, my darling,
but things have changed.
The nightclub
is extraordinarily successful,
and we both know why,
so his contract must reflect that.
- He doesn't have a contract.
- Au contraire.
I drew one up this morning.
So, full disclosure,
I met someone.
Well, a while back, when
I was in England with Nadja,
there was this guy, Freddie,
and yeah, we just had
this whirlwind romance.
Ever since I've been back here
we've been FaceTiming,
like, all the time.
And now, he's coming
to New York for the weekend.
- See you soon.
- Okay, besos.
Which is super exciting
and super terrifying,
he's the first person
that I've ever really
dated dated, you know?
I'm gonna pick him up at the airport,
and we're gonna spend
the whole weekend in the city,
just Freddie and I and
Oh, sorry. Sorry, guys. I'll be back.
- Surprise.
- Oh. Freddie.
My flight got in early.
Oh, my God, look at your face.
- "Look at my face." Oh, wow.
- Aww.
Who-who are these guys?
It's a, uh, a documentary crew.
How did you find my place?
Oh, return address
of the post you sent me.
Sorry, the "mail" you sent me.
Oh, my God, you Americans.
Oh. That is very kind of you,
but I'm not hungry right now.
Number one,
"Nightclub staff will not
make direct eye contact
with Colin unless they are
giving him a gift."
- Hey, Nadja, guess what?
- What?
- Chicken butt.
- Ugh.
Okay, number two, uh,
"We also require a merch table,
"where we will sell
Colin's new compact disc"
Call Me Colin:
An Hour of Singsongs
and Laugh-'Em-Ups
for the Whole Famn Damily.
- Are you gonna sign it?
- Of course not!
My darling, if it wasn't for this boy,
your club would be as dead as disco.
- And guess what?
- What?
All I want is to sing and dance
and make people smile.
I don't even really care about
all this contract baloney.
No, no, no, no. He doesn't
know what he's saying.
So, do have we a deal?
Um, let me just have a little
think, uh, mull it over.
- All right.
- What is this made of?
Fuck no! Do you think that my club
needs this little weird
ventriloquist tap-dancing freak?
- Hey.
- But he is our main attraction.
I could replace him in a second.
Well, good luck with that.
I've had the owner
of the hottest vampire nightclub
on the phone to me day and night,
and he's not the only one.
So you're actually going to leave?
Looks that way, doesn't it?
Come on, boy.
Let's take your talents upstate.
Albany and Binghamton,
to be more precise, but
got to start somewhere.
Wow, this place
is like a museum.
I-I can't believe this
is your house, Guillermo.
Well, it's actually not my house.
I just help take care of Nandor.
How'd you never mention that?
I-I thought you worked at the U. N.
Don't be silly.
Guillermo does not work at the U and N.
He forgets a lot of things.
His mind doesn't work
the way it used to, so
- I volunteer on my days off.
- Aw, you're so sweet.
- Guillermo.
- Hmm.
Why did you not tell me you had
a friend coming to visit?
- Friends
- Oh, we're, uh, we're a little bit
more than friends, actually.
Oh, I see.
- Best friends.
- No, uh
He's my boyfriend.
Oh, wow.
And I'm sorry I didn't
mention that earlier.
This is fantastic news.
- Right?
- Good.
And a long time coming.
- Oh.
- He has been very lonely.
- Oh.
- Extremely lonely.
- Not that lonely.
- Pretty lonely.
- Not that lonely.
- Very pathetic. Really lonely.
Thank you, Nandor,
that is very interesting.
And can I just reiterate
that your home is beautiful?
I-I mean, this tapestry,
is this Turkish in origin?
- Y-Yes. Yes
- Around the 15th century, this one here?
Freddie's actually a junior
associate at an auction house in London.
He's kind of an art buff.
- No.
- Very good eye.
I disemboweled many villagers
to get this tapestry.
We're thinking of
upping his medicine dose 'cause
I would love to hear more
of your stories, Nandor.
I'm just so glad to have a new buddy.
Oh, that's me.
I am the buddy.
This, uh, this place
is pretty dusty, though.
I'd tell you to get a Roomba
in here, but, uh,
I think it might kill itself.
I couldn't resist.
I don't know what any of that
means, but I love it.
Okay. Such long teeth.
It's a genetic disorder in the family.
And, uh, if you ever need anyone
to help you look after
any of these treasures,
- promise you'll give me a call, eh?
- Oh.
So nice to meet you.
What a, what a pleasure.
- I'll see you very soon.
- Yes.
- All right.
- Hopefully.
- Bye-bye.
- Sorry about that
That's okay.
I cannot sleep.
My mind has been seized by
thoughts of a very special person.
A person by the name of
Ever since he and Guillermo
left for the hotel, Freddie's charm
and sweet, supportive nature
have echoed in my mind.
He touched my arm.
Also, things have grown a little stale
with my beloved Marwa.
Are you, um
enjoying sitting in that chair?
And yours is good?
Yes, uh
It was a little bit hard,
so I put a cushion on it.
- Wonderful.
- Yes.
Fuck, she's boring.
But marriage is sacred to me.
I never once cheated
on any of my 37 wives,
and I'm not about to start now.
Could I steal Freddie from Guillermo?
Of course.
But that would be cruel.
And also, you know, sloppy seconds.
If only
Excuse me for a moment.
I'm not sure
if this is possible,
but I wish for Marwa to be transformed
into an exact copy of
this person: Freddie.
Appearance, personality, everything.
- Why are you whispering?
- Because Marwa is someone
that I love very much,
and I don't want her to hear
that I'm about to change her
into a completely different person.
As you wish.
Hi, there. I'm Freddie.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Boy, this place is pretty dusty.
I'd tell you to get a Roomba in
here, but I think it might kill itself.
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Our star performer's departure
could not come at a worse time
for Mistress Nadja.
I'm actually a little worried
about her.
There's so much pressure
running a nightclub,
and she's been consuming
a massive amount
of liquor blood.
Are you talking shit about me?
- No.
- Hey, I love you like a sister, baby,
you know it, but even
If you even think
about damaging my brand,
I will cut you in two!
- Lazzo, guess what?
- What?
I can't believe I'm on the road,
on my own tour bus.
Now, this one maybe
isn't as nice as the one
in Cameron Crowe's
turn-of-the-century masterpiece
Almost Famous, but it
We've got to work
our way to the top, boy.
We got to strike out on tour.
It's how all the best
vampire acts started.
Gloria Estefang. Bloody Holly.
Bat Stevens. Batboy Slim.
Hall & Throats. Tame Impaler.
The Undead Kennedys.
Freshly drained blood
of a drunk human celebrity.
Just a little something
to keep Mama sharp.
Rest in peace, Sofia Copp-Coppola.
Let us get on with it.
Bring on the first little freak!
Well, first
we have Jack Metcalf.
He is repped
by Christie Marx Management.
He is four feet and two inches high.
Let me call you sweetheart ♪
Flat! Flat!
You don't have the range, babe.
Get off my stage. Next!
Peter Doskin, repped
by Grandpa and Grandma.
Why are you not stuffed
in a locker somewhere?
Your bullies are not doing
a good enough job.
Meet me in dream land ♪
Sweet dreamy dream land ♪
There let my dreams come true. ♪
Right, well, that's enough,
you freeloading deadbeats.
If you want to watch,
then you've got to pay. Come on.
No, no, no.
Okay. I'm coming. Stop it.
Okay, stop tapping.
Watch and learn, bitch.
There's a large bird ♪
Stealing all my brothers ♪
Auditions are over.
No, it's going well.
That was the finale.
- Thinks are goig really, really well
- With Freddie.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I even let him make a list
of all the things
he's always wanted
to do in New York City.
I'm having the
best time with my Freddie.
He has written a list of things
he would like to do in New York City,
and now we are doing those things.
- Is-is it your turn next? I-I think
- No.
Oh, my God!
Hey! Hey!
Oh, wow!
- Wait, wait.
- Oh, okay. All right.
Come around.
So, this weekend
has made me realize that I
- really need a life outside of work.
- Yeah.
I felt like I literally kept
seeing Nandor everywhere
Which is ridiculous
Because that's how much space
he occupies in my mind.
- Anyways, we're talking about Nandor.
- No.
- Let's go get some cheesecake.
- Okay.
Well, last night's auditions
were a mess.
And then I realized,
why am I even trying to find
another child performer?
Fuck them kids.
This is a scary,
sexy nightclub for adults.
So I decided to call
Le Cirque Érotique.
Le Cirque Érotique
is a legendary consortium
of sophisticated and deeply carnal
vampire circus performers.
Some of the most thrilling,
obscene spectacles
known to vampires.
They're famously tough to book.
But they are coming here
to perform tonight!
Yeah, I'm just checking in.
This place is amazing.
It has ice on demand, 24 hours a day.
And it's gratis.
I've got to go, 'cause it's showtime.
Why isn't that boy doing his scales?
Why aren't you doing
your scales, boy
- Hey. Time to hit the road.
- Shit.
This little star's ready
to shake his moneymaker.
Is something wrong?
Do you feel there's something wrong?
How far is it to the venue?
- To the what?
- Venue.
Not far.
The fuck?
Right, now, that was a bit of a shock.
He appears to have
hit puberty overnight.
The worst thing is,
I don't think he realizes it.
All right.
All the way up from Staten Island,
let's give a warm, Binghamton welcome
to the most talented
little boy in the world,
Baby Colin.
Hi, Binghamton.
If you want to ring
the bell not once, but twice ♪
He's just a kid.
If you want to roll and roll
those lucky dice ♪
Come on, let's get a big clap going.
If you want to spend
your journey's end ♪
With sweet music and love ♪
That's not Baby Colin.
- It is Yeah, it is.
- Fuck fuck off.
I don't think it's him.
- Get off the stage!
- Everyone hates me!
- Go eat shit.
- Be back soon.
Oh, that's fun.
Come on, the circus troupe
is loading in soon.
- Hello?
- Ah.
Gustave LeRoy of Le Cirque Érotique.
Hello, I am Nadja. Welcome.
And the rest of your troupe are, um
Oh, I thought they told you.
It's just gonna be me tonight.
Yeah, nobody else was available,
but lucky for you,
I'm very free. Oh.
I'd like to have you put those
up around the club, please.
Just you?
"The clown who can suck himself off."
I put a little comedy into it as well.
Now, where is a good place
for me to, uh,
start my stretches?
I just need to get
some insoles for my feet.
They're killing me.
The left nipple.
Hey, look who it is.
Freddie, what are you How?
- Welcome.
- You were just in the car with me.
Don't be silly.
This is not your Freddie.
- This is my own Freddie.
- All right, bruv.
What the hell?
I asked the djinn to turn Marwa
into a carbon copy
of your Freddie.
- What is wrong with you?
- Don't be upset about it.
- You should be flattered.
- Put him back
Gigi, what's taking you
so long? We need to go.
No, um Freddie, you should
probably wait in the car, because
Please give a warm welcome
to your entertainment
for the evening,
Mr. Gustave LeRoy, huh?
Ah, yeah!
Yeah, let's see it.
He's really going for it.
He's going for a full suck!
Hey, Sofia, so it turns out
it's just some guy
sucking his own dick.
Anyway, very funny the way
you guys disappeared
the other night after
the bloody magic trick,
which I'm still trying to figure out.
But enough is enough.
Come on, call me back.
- Really?
- That's it?
- That's it?
- That was, like, 20 seconds.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it was a pleasure for me
to suck myself off for you.
- What the fuck was that?
- Wasn't that amazing?
I've never lasted that long.
This was supposed to be
a whole evening of sucking.
You're useless.
Okay, to, um,
keep the fun going
and liven you guys up,
we're gonna release
the blood sprinklers.
Get ready for loads of blood.
- Oh, yeah!
- Spill the blood for the vampires.
We love blood so much.
Blood sprinklers. Can we get
the blood sprinklers on?
Let's get them on.
Um Okay
- Son of a bitch!
- Peace out, I'm done.
Hang on. No, no, no, don't go,
'cause I'm going to perform.
There's a large bird ♪
Stealing my brothers ♪
Come on, guys.
Let's get a big clap going.
And I realized
that the egg was me ♪
Oh, no.
In three, two, one, go!
- Okay, um, uh, the Panama Canal.
- Got it.
- Uh, oh, uh, pizza chef.
- Yep.
- Uh, Barbie doll.
- Yep. Yep.
- Uh, Alaska.
- So, I did a little hypnosis
on the two Freddies.
Basically, I told them
not to make such a big a deal
out of the whole cloning thing.
Uh, Genji monogatari
by Murasaki Shikibu.
Oh, uh, T-The New Adventures
of Old Christine.
- Yes.
- And that's time.
- Yes! Come on, Freddie.
- Oh.
Very impressive, you two.
Very, um, in sync.
- Hmm?
- Very good.
Now they're getting on great,
so the situation is totally fine.
Fun little evening we're having,
wouldn't you say?
No, I wouldn't say.
Couldn't just let me
have one thing of my own?
I did. You have your
thing and I have mine.
Oh, so you took your wife,
who you transformed
into the perfect woman,
and then turned her into
a carbon copy of my boyfriend?
Doesn't that register with you
as being messed up?
Stop saying things that I have done.
This is my last night with Freddie.
Okay, this might seem like
a huge game to you, but it's not
- to me, I really care about him.
- I know, I just
Do you understand that
I've never, in my whole life,
ever, had a long-term
boyfriend? Not once.
And you find a way
to make it about yourself.
So thanks.
Uh, wait I
- Freddie? We're leaving.
- Yes?
- Oh, uh
- Oh, uh
That's, uh
That's actually
my Freddie.
Freddie, we're leaving.
Oh, uh, awesome to meet you, Freddie.
Awesome to meet you, too, Freddie.
Freddie, don't talk to Freddie.
Freddie had to go back to England
I love you.
Meaning I'm back to my normal life,
being a familiar for Nandor
and his exact clone of my boyfriend.
At least we can stay in touch
through the Internet.
- How's it going?
- Are you having beans
- for dinner again?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- You're such a little bean freak, babe.
- Guilty as charged.
Is that who I think it is?
Oh, how's it going, Fredmeister?
- Yeah, not too bad, Fredmeister.
- Ooh, did you get a chance
- to read the deep dive
- Uh
on the Palatine Hill in
this month's Rosetta Journal?
Oh, let me have a think.
Hmm, how about yes?
That's section on early medieval
earthenware they just excavated?
Bombshell, am I right?
I had to put the journal down
and take a walk
- around the block.
- Me, too, I just had to put
the journal down and take
a walk around the block.
- Honestly.
- Me, too! I had to put
I'm sorry, can we can cut?
You can't cancel
our dates, you bastard.
We've got a contract.
- Don't fuck me.
- Why is this happening to me?
- I'm repulsive.
- Good grief!
Whatever is that foul odor?
It's me. And Laszlo, guess what?
- What?
- I hate you. You're ruining my life!
Come on, boy, don't be like that.
I can sort this out. Yeah?
I'll get you on stage tonight.
No! I'm not singing
any more of those baby songs.
- And guess what?
- What?
From here on out,
I'll only consider performing
if it's the music of Papa Roach
or Evanescence.
- Fuck off!
- Shut your mouth.
I am beginning to think that maybe
what I did was wrong.
Probably not, but maybe.
I set out to make things right
with Guillermo.
I offered to give him my Freddie,
as a token of apology
and also so that they could have
sex with each other.
No. It's not the same.
- It's pretty similar.
- But it's not.
That's when I
knew I had to let my Freddie go.
Which also meant
letting my wife Marwa go.
But I did leave her in Freddie form,
'cause she seemed so much
happier like that.
Perhaps true love is about more than
wishing for someone who likes
all the things you like.
My sweet Freddie.
My Freddie always told me
that his dream
was to travel the world,
explore his passion
for art and history.
Don't forget to buy that Roomba.
I won't.
I suppose I am the one
who is now granting a wish.
Fucking sucks.
It is clear to me now
that without Baby Colin
as its main attraction,
this club cannot survive.
This place was the center
of the vampire universe.
But now it is just a big,
empty piece of shit.
And despite my hopes of a comeback,
it is clear that
our best days are behind us.
- My darling?
- Laszlo!
I've thought of a way
of saving the club.
Ah. How?
I've heard about this amazing clown
that can suck himself dry.
Who is this young ruffian?
You remember Baby Colin?
Well, he's had a growth spurt.
- Can we go?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cheers from jolly old England.
I decided to go surprise Freddie,
because why not, right?
You only live once.
And I have
all that money saved that I
whatever, I stole from the club.
He has no idea that I'm here, so
Oh. Is that him?
Over there, right with
- I love you, Freddie.
- I love you, too, Freddie.
- Fancy a pint of bitter?
- Why not?
Impaler Swift.
Bruno Scars. Lindsey Suckingham.
And that's not even mentioning
the wraith acts.
Bonnie Wraith. Wraith Hill.
Wraith Evans.
Billy Wraith Cyrus.
Wraith No More.
Wraith Charles.
I could go on.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode