What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s06e09 Episode Script
Come Out and Play
1
Shitty thing.
Guillermo He doesn't
live here anymore.
How is it? I can't see.
Tonight we are attending
a very special event.
Ha!
Aye, fuck.
The Baron is receiving an eternal
lifetime achievement award.
I have never heard of such a
thing, but it sounds very cool.
[NADJA] It is about time
our Baron got recognized
for all the incredible work
he does in our local community.
- Yeah.
- He has done so much for all of us,
- both as a leader and as a reliable lay.
- [LASZLO] Yeah.
Of course I am quite
accustomed to being exalted
- [SIRE GROWLING]
- praised, feared. [LAUGHS]
But this shall be a night to remember.
Alas, no. The Sire cannot make it.
Our usual sitter just started
at Northwestern and, well
- [RETCHES]
- Oh!
You know how hard it
is to find someone new.
- Baron, give us a twirl.
- [CHUCKLING] Oh, no.
- [NANDOR] Yes, please, Baron.
- [NADJA] Look at him go. Wow.
- [NANDOR] Spin, Baron, spin.
- [NADJA] Wow.
Look at you all. Where are we going?
We are going to an
event to honor the Baron.
- Oh.
- [NANDOR] And you are not.
- Oh.
- Because you have made it very clear
that your future lies with
the humans, not the vampires.
- That's not fair.
- [NANDOR] Guillermo, we are a family.
- Right.
- We will always be a family.
- Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
- And you are no longer part of the family.
- Capisce?
- Because you rejected your vampire family.
- I didn't
- Yeah. The "vamily."
Oh. Colin Robinson, no.
- Hell-lo.
- Here he is.
- Shall we saddle up?
- Yes.
Well, why does the monster
get to go and not me?
- "Vamily."
- [COLIN] Yeah.
- [NADJA] No, not him as well.
- [LASZLO] Very good. [LAUGHS]
Yeah, I'm a little hurt I'm not going
to the vampire gathering tonight,
but it's probably for
the best, you know?
Besides, I already made plans to
hang out with my cousin Miguel.
Actually, Miguel and I used to
be really close when I was little.
But then he kinda
became this, like, jock.
We grew apart,
but our moms are determined that we
be really good friends. [CHUCKLES]
We're gonna hang out.
- Miguel! Hey. [CHUCKLING]
- Hey. How you doing?
[LAUGHING] You love it.
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.
No, I don't. [CHUCKLING] I really don't.
We should've done this sooner. I
was working at this job, you know?
It was crazy. I had to get outta there.
I was starting to lose my mind
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Memo. I don't
need the whole pinche novella, okay?
Losers first.
[MIGUEL] Go get 'em, slugger.
Oh!
Strike one!
Little out of practice there, Memo?
I don't think I was ever in practice.
What are you talking about?
We used to play all the
time when we were little.
- Ah!
- [MIGUEL] Gotta keep your eyes on the ball, Memo.
[NANDOR] There it is. Every gang in the
tristate area is here. How delightful.
- [HISSES]
- [COLIN] Yeah. Looks like everyone came out to play.
- [NANDOR] Salutations.
- [COLIN] The Warriors. Walter Hill. 1979.
Exciting.
- [LASZLO] What a turnout.
- [NADJA] Look up there. It's the Fly Guys.
[NANDOR] Oh, wow. I haven't seen
the Lower East Side Vampire Punks
since one spat on me in 1983.
I was cool with it. It's
what we did back then.
- Hello, Hamptons vampires.
- Like, "Hampires."
- Stop it!
- I hate these dipshits.
But kinda makes you proud,
you know? Our people.
[CHUCKLING] So, this is all for me?
- Baron Afanas, there you are.
- [BARON] Ah.
- Hi.
- Hello.
You look lovely tonight.
- [CHUCKLES]
- I mean, you look lovely every night.
- We all look lovely tonight.
- Ugh.
- You included.
- Thank you.
All right. I'm just going
to bring you up to the stage,
- and then Jerry will introduce you.
- [GROWLS]
- [NANDOR] Jerry is here?
- Who Jerry?
Jerry's the one who
put on this whole event.
Look out, Manhattan all-girls
private-school vampires.
Vicious, ruthless killers, both
socially and in a murder sense.
What's up, girlies?
- [GIRLS SCOFF, LAUGH]
- Ew.
- Hey!
- Told ya.
- Check one, check two.
- [NANDOR] Cute.
Hello. Hi.
[NANDOR] I can't believe this total zero
gets to introduce
the Baron Afanas.
Doesn't seem right.
He hasn't even sucked him
off, let alone been nuts deep.
- [SHUSHES]
- All right.
- Just be quiet.
- [LASZLO] You be quiet.
Can you count, suckers?
- [VAMPIRES CHEERING]
- [AIR HORN BLOWS]
[JERRY] Look around you.
Look at all these different vampires,
- all gathered together as one.
- [VAMPIRES CHEER]
[JERRY] Yes. How about it?
We've got our Coney
Island carny vampires
- [VAMPIRES CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
- [JERRY] side by side with our leatherette vampires.
- We've got our Rockaway surfers
- [AIR HORNS BLOW]
right next to our JFK TSA vampires.
- Thank you for your service!
- This city doesn't bleed without you all.
[CHEERING]
- [NANDOR] Yes!
- That's right! That's right, Jerry!
Tonight we've gathered to hear
from our esteemed leader
- [CHEERING]
- the great Baron Afanas.
Our supreme commander in charge
of our conquest of the New World.
[NANDOR] Yes, conquest!
At least, that was the plan, right?
- [CHEERING STOPS]
- Wasn't it?
Taking over the New World?
- [VAMPIRE 1 CLEARS THROAT]
- People feeling good about it?
I'm just asking questions. I don't know.
Maybe the Baron will be able to
provide some of these answers tonight.
Maybe there's a
perfectly good explanation
for why we were sent here 250
years ago to conquer the continent
and we still find ourselves
cowering in the shadows.
- Do you have an answer for that? Do you know why?
- [NANDOR] What's this shit?
- [VAMPIRE 2] When can we move on?
- Jerry.
That introduction I cannot live up to.
- Thank you, thank you.
- 'Cause here's what I wanna know.
- [LASZLO] What the fuck?
- [JERRY] Does the fault lie in ourselves?
Does it lie in our stars?
Or
- does it lie in our leadership?
- [VAMPIRES CLAMORING]
- [VAMPIRE 4] He has a point!
- I'm genuinely asking. I don't know.
- [THE GUIDE] Hey, hey.
- [LASZLO] What is he talking about?
Move! [GRUNTS]
Gimme that. How dare
you disrespect this man?
- [LASZLO] Hear! Hear!
- This is the great,
the beautiful Baron Afanas.
[CHEERING]
And this man, this mixer
of boiling hot feces,
he knows not of his place.
He's nothing but a sower of
discontent and disrespect.
- [SPITS]
- [GRUNTS] Let me see that.
- [NADJA] Puttana! No!
- Let me see that.
- No. No. Shut up!
- Hold on. Hold on.
- [MONSTER GROWLING]
- No. No, no, don't
[CROWD GASPS]
- [WHIMPERS]
- [LASZLO] Ah!
[MONSTER GROANS]
- [BARON] Uh
- Okay. Uh, that was not my fault.
- [NADJA CHUCKLES]
- [GASPING, MURMURING]
- [MONSTER GROWLS]
- [VAMPIRE 5] Jerry was killed by that Frankenstein monster!
- [CROWD CLAMORING]
- It's Cravensworth's monster.
Run! Run!
They killed Jerry! The Staten
Island vampires killed Jerry!
- No, we didn't.
- Kill them!
- [CROWD SHOUTING]
- We should get the fuck out of here!
[VAMPIRE 7] Kill them!
Fucking hell. How
many bats are up there?
[NADJA] So flying home is not an option.
[NANDOR] Where do we go, what
do we do and how do we do it?
[WHIMPERS] We need to get home.
Which way is home? Is it north?
- I'm certain we are south.
- No. No, we're not. I'm feeling east.
[COLIN] You know I can't fly, you dicks.
[NADJA] Ah. Colin Robinson,
do you know how to get home?
- No, I have no idea. I
- [GROANS]
I never thought I'd ever say this,
but I think we need to call Gizmo.
- [NADJA] Ah! Yes.
- Yes, great idea.
Guillermo!
Not like that, you fucking idiot.
With the phone that he's doing.
I can also try echolocating.
- [VOCALIZES]
- Nadja, I'm on the phone!
[MIGUEL] Come one, man. That's
why you gotta concentrate.
[GUILLERMO] I was concentrating.
- [GRUNTS]
- So this new job has a documentary about it too?
No, it's actually the same documentary.
It just now follows a
guy who quits his old job
and goes out into the regular world.
Okay, word. So it's like
Sling Blade. But boring.
Know what, Miguel? This is
why I don't hang out with you.
You don't hang out
with any of the familia.
I don't because every time I do,
they make me feel guilty
that I'm always busy.
This was a mistake. I'm
sorry. I'm gonna go, okay?
Hey, hey. Come on, Memo.
I'm not mad at you, man.
We love you. All right? We were worried.
We never saw you. You're
out there on your own.
You never even talked
about having any friends.
Don't worry about me, okay?
I have plenty of friends.
Oh, really? That's great.
Name me one friend.
Like, who's your best friend?
That would be, uh, Nandor.
Nandor?
My My boss. My ex-boss.
He's not my boss anymore.
Your best friend is your former boss?
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- I know, okay? It's complicated, but
Wait.
Colin?
Wait, slow down. What?
[MIGUEL] Here we go, Mr.
Drama Queen. Just like always.
Every time we start to have fun, you all
of a sudden have an emergency somewhere.
- My friends need help. They're in danger.
- In danger?
It's gonna sound crazy, but
someone's trying to kill them.
- What the fuck?
- Just please let me go.
No, no. Fuck that. I'm going
with you, all right? Let's roll.
You don't even know them.
Why would you wanna come?
I don't need to know them.
You're my familia, all right? I
have to have your back. Let's go.
- Okay.
- An attack on your friends is an attack on all of us.
Seat belt on.
Wait. You should know before we
go that my friends, they're
they're not like
the regular people that you know.
Memo, will you chill out?
I have gay friends,
all right? It's not
a big deal. !¡AÁndale!
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
And remember, when we
find them, I get dibs
- on killing the one with the really gross man bun.
- [GIRL 1] So cringe.
[GIRLS LAUGH]
- [GIRL 2] They're not here. Let's go.
- [GIRL 1] Okay, let's go.
[RUMBLING]
- Okay. That was not supposed to go that way.
- [CAT SCREECHES]
I cannot believe that Jerry
betrayed the Baron like that.
As long as you are all right,
that's all that matters.
- Ugh.
- [THE GUIDE] I have been serving Jerry for months.
I feel so betrayed. I'm so sorry.
I hear you, I hear you. You
know, trust is essential
Um We're just gonna give you
guys a minute. Just give you some
[NANDOR] Sounds like
this Jerry does not get
Laszlo, why did your monster flip
the fuck out and pop Jerry's head?
He was just performing
his duties as a protector.
Well, then how do I know that he might
not just flip out one
day and pop my head?
- My monster would never do that.
- How could you be so sure?
Look at the mess that thing has created.
That lumbering, demented donkey of a
creature is clearly capable of anything.
No, no, no. He's not. My darling,
my monster would never hurt you.
I didn't want you to know,
but the sole objective of
creating him in the first place
was to keep you safe.
- What?
- My darling,
if anything were to happen to me,
- you would be protected.
- [LAUGHS]
- What?
- When have I ever needed protecting
from anything or anyone?
I knew you'd react like this.
For the record, my darling,
I was a vampire on my own for centuries.
Before you came along, Mr. Cravensworth,
I once ripped an entire pack of
werewolves to shreds with my bare fangs
and then scattered their entrails
on the road like a confetti.
- I've heard this story a thousand
- Ah! A confetti.
[LASZLO] The skies are clear.
[THE GUIDE] Let's try
to get our bearings.
- [NADJA GASPS] Look. Look down there.
- [CHATTERING]
Athletes preparing for a
baseball game? At this hour?
They're not athletes, you tit.
They're the Bronx Bomber vampires.
Well, they're looking for us.
Good. Let's just take them on
and get this over with. [HISSES]
No, we should cross the bridge.
- [NANDOR] Okay.
- [NADJA SCOFFS]
- [COLIN] Keep walking.
- [THE GUIDE] They're coming up here!
- [COLIN] Just keep walking.
- [BATS SQUEAKING]
- [NANDOR] What now?
- [LASZLO] Shit.
Oh, no. It's the Meatpacking
District vampires.
[LASZLO] As deadly
as they are beautiful.
I wouldn't mind having my meat packed.
- This way. To the subway.
- [NADJA] Shut the fuck up.
- [NANDOR] Flee! Down here!
- [LASZLO] We must run!
[LASZLO] Come on. Take cover fast!
- [THE GUIDE] Fuck yeah. I see an entrance.
- [BATS SQUEAKING]
[NADJA] Come on. Hurry.
[THE GUIDE] Does the subway
even go to Staten Island?
- [NANDOR] Stay close, Blondie.
- [LASZLO] What the fuck?
- [NANDOR] Hey. What's this shit?
- [THE GUIDE YELPS]
- [NADJA] Great. Jumping vampires.
- [LASZLO] All right. Cool down.
[NADJA] Is it hat vampires?
- [LASZLO] Fuck off. Fuck off.
- [NANDOR] Oh, shit.
[NADJA] No. What are they?
These guys are the, uh
[HISSING]
I don't actually know what
kind of vampires these are.
- Are they '80s vampires?
- Breakdance vampires?
No, I think they're
Fame the movie vampires,
or Fame the TV show vampires.
And the space suit fella must
represent MTV or something.
Then what's with the
riverboat gambler guy?
[COLIN] They lost me
there. I have no clue.
You killed Jerry the vampire.
No, no. That was done
by a random monster.
- Shazam!
- [THE GUIDE] Uh-oh.
- Five, six, seven, eight.
- [THE GUIDE] No!
- ["PLANET ROCK" PLAYS]
- [NANDOR] What's this shit?
- [THE GUIDE] Ooh!
- [NADJA] Oh! Okay.
They're twinkle-toe
vampires. I got this.
[NADJA LAUGHS]
Have you ever seen feet
move at this medium pace?
- [LASZLO] All right.
- [NANDOR] That's a nice one. Aha!
[THE GUIDE] Oh.
- [LASZLO] Fuck off. [HISSES]
- [COLIN] Wow.
- [THE GUIDE] It's really good.
- [NANDOR] Not bad.
- Oh
- [LASZLO] Fuck this shit.
- [VAMPIRES GRUNT]
- [THE GUIDE] What? What?
- [COLIN] Okay.
- [NADJA] What the fuck?
- [AIR HISSING]
- [GROANING]
[NADJA] Fuck, Laszlo!
[COLIN] They really
weren't that threatening.
- [NADJA] You idiot.
- [LASZLO GIGGLES]
- [GAMBLER VAMPIRE GROANS]
- [COLIN] Well, he's dead.
- [NANDOR] Full house.
- I was handling it.
- Sorry.
- [NADJA GROANS]
Let's just keep moving, all right?
We'll get above ground
- Okay.
- so Guillermo can find us.
- [NANDOR] Good idea.
- [NADJA] Whatever.
[NANDOR] You know, I really
like it when you take charge.
- [TIRES SQUEALING]
- [MIGUEL] No, no, no.
Don't worry about the address.
I'll text when I get it.
Just gather 'em up. Keep your
phone on, all right? All right.
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Who was that?
- Some friends. In case we need backup.
- [GUILLERMO] Backup?
You said your friends
are gonna get killed.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
- Where are they, man?
- I don't know, okay?
Colin lost his location,
so maybe he lost reception.
- I can try calling again. I don't know.
- Are these people even real?
Are you kidding me right
now? Yes, they're real.
- Why would I be doing this if they're not real?
- I just had to check.
- Had to check? They're real, okay? Don't worry.
- You're acting crazy.
They're my friends, and they're
vampires, so there's that.
- Did you just say they're vampires?
- Yeah.
Actually, you met one of them.
- What?
- Yeah, but you attacked her.
- [MIGUEL] The fuck?
- You attacked her.
I would remember something like that.
How could you? She hypnotized you.
How you gonna remember, hmm?
- You know what? Let's just keep driving.
- Yeah, let's keep driving.
- [PHONE RINGS]
- [GUILLERMO] Oh, it's Colin.
Hey, hey. Hi, Colin. Where are you?
[COLIN] Okey dokey.
I just got off the phone with Gizmo
and gave him
[GRUNTING] our locash.
You know, Laszlo,
I had those dancing vampire
freaks in the palm of my hands.
I do not need you or your
stupid monster to protect me.
Is that what you think?
My darling, I did not train
my monster to protect you
because I thought you
could not live without me.
I trained that monster
because I cannot live without you.
Laszlo,
I cannot live without you.
But if something was to happen
to you and I was to lose you,
it wouldn't be your
protection I would miss.
It would be you.
Your looks, the layers
in your hairs. Your wit.
And the way you use
that extremely large hog.
And that cannot be taught.
- [GIGGLING] No, it can't.
- [NADJA LAUGHS]
[LASZLO LAUGHS]
Aw. They're being sweet again.
- Yes.
- [NADJA] The way that
Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?
Think about what?
Well, isn't it obvious?
I have been searching
for love for so very long,
and it was right here the whole time.
Right under my nose.
In front of my nose.
- Me?
- You.
[GROANS] Ugh.
- So, I've watched your search for love.
- Mm-hmm.
This one, that one.
- Your dead wife.
- Yes.
- Guillermo's boyfriend.
- Freddie.
Gail. I mean, basically, anyone
and everyone who wasn't me.
And I've seen after
you won their hearts.
It all falls apart.
Because you're all about the
conquest, not the victory.
You're a good friend, but
you will never have me.
Ever.
Sorry, could you run that by me again?
[CHUCKLES] I completely zoned out.
I got ever so lost in those big,
- beautiful blue eyes of yours.
- [HINGE CREAKING]
[THE GUIDE] I said you'll never have me.
I have a little bit of self-respect.
A little [CHUCKLING] bit.
- [NANDOR] I just feel so ready for love.
- Okay.
- Mmm Wait a minute. What is that?
- Hey.
- [NADJA] Laszlo.
- [LASZLO] Oh, shit.
- [NANDOR] What the fuck?
- [LASZLO] Graveyard vampires.
- [GRAVEYARD VAMPIRES HISSING]
- Well, you hang out in a graveyard,
you can expect spooky crap like this.
[NADJA] Oh, bloody fuck.
- [NANDOR] Should we
- There's too many of them.
- Run while you can.
- Yes, yes. Come on, Laszlo.
- [NANDOR] This way. Come on, you skull fucks.
- Yes.
- [SHOUTS]
- [SNARLING]
[NANDOR] Here. Quick! Shit. Shit.
- [ALL HISSING AND GROWLING]
- [LASZLO] Come on, do your worst.
Fucking hell. Ah!
- [HISSES]
- [CAMERAMAN] No, no, no! Wait!
No. Fuck off.
[LASZLO] Ah! I see you
know your judo well.
- Laszlo!
- It's all right, my darling. I'll be right there.
I'm coming! Hang your cape on that.
[LASZLO] Get your hands off me.
[GRUNTS]
Get out, you motherfucker!
- [THE GUIDE] Ooh.
- [NANDOR STAMMERS]
Nadja! There's some over here too.
[NADJA] All right. Who's next?
I can do this all night long.
[NADJA GRUNTS]
- [NANDOR GROANS] Fuck off.
- [THE GUIDE] Oh.
- [LASZLO] Help me up. [GRUNTS]
- [NANDOR] Laszlo.
- Where's my wife?
- She's over there.
- [NADJA] Okay. Very good aim. Wow!
- [LASZLO CHUCKLES]
Look at my gruesome girl go.
It's like front row at a Gallagher show.
[NANDOR] I think maybe he's dead?
I will say when he's dead.
Very impressive. But I think there
might be more vampires on the way.
- Perhaps we should get out of here.
- In a minute!
Okay.
[SIGHS] Now we can go.
[NANDOR] Great. Let's do that.
[NADJA SIGHS]
- Do you want a straw?
- Nope.
You think that maybe we should
order coffee drinks thank you
so we don't look like
a bunch of vampires
sat around waiting for
our familiar to save us?
We can all be here without
everyone ordering coffee.
And we can stay at the
table as long as we want.
And when it comes to the bathrooms,
- legally, it's Thunderdome.
- [GUILLERMO] Hey.
- [THE GUIDE] Guillermo!
- [NANDOR] Guillermo.
- [NADJA] Finally.
- [COLIN] Hey, Gomez.
- You took your sweet time.
- Nadja, you all right? You have a little
Yeah, covered, uh, in
brain and blood and guts.
Yes. Thank you for noticing.
So, uh, your vampire friends, they
hang out at coffee shops? [CHUCKLES]
Hey, look, no offense.
I love the costumes, man.
You turn your mom's rug into a
dress? That's pretty cool. [CHUCKLES]
But, uh, you guys really
think you're vampires?
[GUILLERMO] No, Nandor. Don't
hurt him. That's my cousin, Miguel.
- [LAUGHS]
- No kidding.
So you are the famous Miguel.
We have heard lots about you.
[BREATHING SHAKILY] What the fuck?
Guillermo tells us you're
very tough and very cool
and once locked him in
a cupboard for six hours.
- Put it there.
- Don't need to fist bump on that.
Sorry about that. Let's
straighten that for you.
- You guys kill people?
- No shit, Kojak.
Chillax, Miguel.
'Cause a member of Guillermo's
family is a member of our family.
- Right, guys?
- [LASZLO] Right.
- "Vamilia."
- Nadnor! I have a Nadnor.
Is that for you, Nandor?
No, she is calling
someone called Nadnor.
Also, I have not ordered anything, so
- I have one roundhouse kick for a Nandor.
- Yes. I am Nan
[GRUNTS, HISSES]
How quaint. A barista vampire.
We're not barista vampires.
We're artist and writer vampires
who happen to currently
be working as baristas.
- And graphic designer vampires.
- [HISSES]
- Hi. I'm Cass.
- Hi, Cass.
- Personal essayist vampire Louis here.
- [HISSES]
- Got a shot for Nandor.
- Oh, that's me. Yes.
- [LASZLO LAUGHS]
- Fucking guy.
My mistake. That was
supposed to be a double shot.
[MIGUEL GROWLS]
Whoa. Oh, shit.
Oh, I forgot to mention.
You have Van Helsing
blood running through you.
- What?
- It's a long story. I'll tell you later, okay?
[GUILLERMO GRUNTS]
[ALL GRUNTS, HISSING]
[LASZLO] Bat.
Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
It's because I said the word "bat."
- And I've done it again. I meant to say
- [GUILLERMO] Miguel.
Should we get involved?
You know, I forgot how
scrappy Gizmo can be
when he gets a bit of
a bee in his bonnet.
[GUILLERMO] Ooh.
- [MIGUEL] Steam.
- [SCREAMING]
"Vampuccino."
I will fucking kill you.
Ah! Ooh. Very good.
[MIGUEL GRUNTS]
[BARISTA VAMPIRE GROANS]
[COLIN] Almost there.
Keep reaching, Gizmo.
- [GUILLERMO GRUNTS]
- [LOUIS GROWLS, GRUNTS]
- [GUILLERMO GRUNTS]
- [LASZLO] Nice shot.
- Ooh. Dead. Very good.
- [THE GUIDE] Guillermo.
- We should go.
- [NADJA] Yes.
- [ENGINES ROARING]
- [LASZLO] What the fuck is that?
Just some homeys of mine. I called
them in case we were outnumbered.
[MIGUEL] Here they come. Hell
yeah! Donnie brought the Spyder.
- [LASZLO] Fancy a ride, my darling?
- [THE GUIDE] Hello.
[GUILLERMO] We gotta go.
[COLIN] This one? Hold on, hold on.
- [MIGUEL] Get in, man.
- [NADJA] Colin Robinson!
Let's go. We have to go.
[NANDOR] I don't want
to get my cape caught.
[NANDOR] Ah.
- [NADJA] Oh, home.
- [LASZLO] Oh, yes.
- [NADJA] We're home.
- [COLIN] Ooh, doggy.
- [NADJA SIGHS] Baron?
- Well, well, well.
[THE GUIDE] You're okay!
Look who came home!
Baron, how did you get back so fast?
Did you know that Staten Island
has an above-ground train?
- It's actually quite pleasant.
- [NANDOR] Hey
And it gave me a chance to open up
that Louise Penny I have on audiobook.
- Love her.
- [BARON] She's okay. But a quick question.
What the hell were you thinking?
Why did you kill Jerry the Vampire?
B-Because, Baron, Jerry was a
huge threat to your almighty power.
Yes.
Which is why I wanted to kill him myself
in front of everyone
to reassert my power.
Do you honestly think
that I did not know
this insipid gathering was a trap?
- [GASPS]
- You knew?
[BARON] Of course I knew.
I didn't know Jerry
was the enemy, Baron.
But that is no excuse.
I have dishonored myself.
But even worse, I have dishonored you.
I will now take my own life.
- No. No!
- [THE GUIDE WHIMPERS] No, let me
- [NANDOR] I will not. [GRUNTS]
- [COLIN] Let her.
- Baron, take my life instead.
- [COLIN] Do it.
- [NADJA] Huh.
- Hold on here. Are you two a thing?
- No. Not at all.
- It's early days.
- Get up. We're going to run out of vampires at this rate.
- [MONSTER GROWLING]
- [LASZLO] What the blazes?
- [ALL SCREAM]
- [MONSTER GRUNTS, GROWLS]
- [NADJA GASPS]
- [NANDOR MUMBLES]
- Gift.
[NADJA] Oh. Jerry's
crushed head. Thank you.
- Very nice.
- [GIGGLES]
- You can just lay that down there.
- [MONSTER GRUNTS]
I will find somewhere
lovely for it later.
- Now, we all have much organizing
- Good job.
to do for tomorrow evening.
To set this right.
[BARON] Here we are again.
Jerry tried to tear us apart.
But we, unlike Jerry,
will work as one.
- [LASZLO, NANDOR, NANDOR] Yes.
- [BARON] For it will take all of us,
all vampires,
to bring the humans of this new world
under our dominion.
- [VAMPIRES] Yes!
- Any questions?
[VAMPIRES MURMURING]
- Ah.
- [MONSTER GROWLING]
[GRUNTS]
[VAMPIRES GASPING, CLAMORING]
Okay. Anybody else? Let's
see. There was someone
Ah. You.
[MONSTER GROWLS]
[BARON] Did you have a question?
- Uh, nope.
- [BARON] Are you sure?
Because I thought I saw your hand go up.
[GROWLS]
I thought I had a had a
question, but then y-you answered it.
Just as I thought.
[GROWLS]
Vampires dismissed.
- [VAMPIRES MURMURING]
- [MONSTER SNARKS]
[BARON] Two nights out in a row.
The Sire's never gonna let
me hear the end of this.
["NOWHERE TO RUN" PLAYS]
Nowhere to run to, baby ♪
Nowhere to hide ♪
I got nowhere to run to, baby ♪
Nowhere to hide, no ♪
That's not love
that I'm running from ♪
It's the heartache I know will come ♪
- 'Cause I know you're no good for me ♪
- You're no good ♪
But you've become a part of me ♪
Everywhere that I go your face I see ♪
Every step that I take
you take with me, yeah ♪
Nowhere to run to, baby ♪
Nowhere to hide, no ♪
I got nowhere to run to, baby ♪
Nowhere to hide ♪
Nowhere to run ♪
No, no, no, no, no, no ♪
Ow! ♪
Shitty thing.
Guillermo He doesn't
live here anymore.
How is it? I can't see.
Tonight we are attending
a very special event.
Ha!
Aye, fuck.
The Baron is receiving an eternal
lifetime achievement award.
I have never heard of such a
thing, but it sounds very cool.
[NADJA] It is about time
our Baron got recognized
for all the incredible work
he does in our local community.
- Yeah.
- He has done so much for all of us,
- both as a leader and as a reliable lay.
- [LASZLO] Yeah.
Of course I am quite
accustomed to being exalted
- [SIRE GROWLING]
- praised, feared. [LAUGHS]
But this shall be a night to remember.
Alas, no. The Sire cannot make it.
Our usual sitter just started
at Northwestern and, well
- [RETCHES]
- Oh!
You know how hard it
is to find someone new.
- Baron, give us a twirl.
- [CHUCKLING] Oh, no.
- [NANDOR] Yes, please, Baron.
- [NADJA] Look at him go. Wow.
- [NANDOR] Spin, Baron, spin.
- [NADJA] Wow.
Look at you all. Where are we going?
We are going to an
event to honor the Baron.
- Oh.
- [NANDOR] And you are not.
- Oh.
- Because you have made it very clear
that your future lies with
the humans, not the vampires.
- That's not fair.
- [NANDOR] Guillermo, we are a family.
- Right.
- We will always be a family.
- Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
- And you are no longer part of the family.
- Capisce?
- Because you rejected your vampire family.
- I didn't
- Yeah. The "vamily."
Oh. Colin Robinson, no.
- Hell-lo.
- Here he is.
- Shall we saddle up?
- Yes.
Well, why does the monster
get to go and not me?
- "Vamily."
- [COLIN] Yeah.
- [NADJA] No, not him as well.
- [LASZLO] Very good. [LAUGHS]
Yeah, I'm a little hurt I'm not going
to the vampire gathering tonight,
but it's probably for
the best, you know?
Besides, I already made plans to
hang out with my cousin Miguel.
Actually, Miguel and I used to
be really close when I was little.
But then he kinda
became this, like, jock.
We grew apart,
but our moms are determined that we
be really good friends. [CHUCKLES]
We're gonna hang out.
- Miguel! Hey. [CHUCKLING]
- Hey. How you doing?
[LAUGHING] You love it.
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.
No, I don't. [CHUCKLING] I really don't.
We should've done this sooner. I
was working at this job, you know?
It was crazy. I had to get outta there.
I was starting to lose my mind
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Memo. I don't
need the whole pinche novella, okay?
Losers first.
[MIGUEL] Go get 'em, slugger.
Oh!
Strike one!
Little out of practice there, Memo?
I don't think I was ever in practice.
What are you talking about?
We used to play all the
time when we were little.
- Ah!
- [MIGUEL] Gotta keep your eyes on the ball, Memo.
[NANDOR] There it is. Every gang in the
tristate area is here. How delightful.
- [HISSES]
- [COLIN] Yeah. Looks like everyone came out to play.
- [NANDOR] Salutations.
- [COLIN] The Warriors. Walter Hill. 1979.
Exciting.
- [LASZLO] What a turnout.
- [NADJA] Look up there. It's the Fly Guys.
[NANDOR] Oh, wow. I haven't seen
the Lower East Side Vampire Punks
since one spat on me in 1983.
I was cool with it. It's
what we did back then.
- Hello, Hamptons vampires.
- Like, "Hampires."
- Stop it!
- I hate these dipshits.
But kinda makes you proud,
you know? Our people.
[CHUCKLING] So, this is all for me?
- Baron Afanas, there you are.
- [BARON] Ah.
- Hi.
- Hello.
You look lovely tonight.
- [CHUCKLES]
- I mean, you look lovely every night.
- We all look lovely tonight.
- Ugh.
- You included.
- Thank you.
All right. I'm just going
to bring you up to the stage,
- and then Jerry will introduce you.
- [GROWLS]
- [NANDOR] Jerry is here?
- Who Jerry?
Jerry's the one who
put on this whole event.
Look out, Manhattan all-girls
private-school vampires.
Vicious, ruthless killers, both
socially and in a murder sense.
What's up, girlies?
- [GIRLS SCOFF, LAUGH]
- Ew.
- Hey!
- Told ya.
- Check one, check two.
- [NANDOR] Cute.
Hello. Hi.
[NANDOR] I can't believe this total zero
gets to introduce
the Baron Afanas.
Doesn't seem right.
He hasn't even sucked him
off, let alone been nuts deep.
- [SHUSHES]
- All right.
- Just be quiet.
- [LASZLO] You be quiet.
Can you count, suckers?
- [VAMPIRES CHEERING]
- [AIR HORN BLOWS]
[JERRY] Look around you.
Look at all these different vampires,
- all gathered together as one.
- [VAMPIRES CHEER]
[JERRY] Yes. How about it?
We've got our Coney
Island carny vampires
- [VAMPIRES CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
- [JERRY] side by side with our leatherette vampires.
- We've got our Rockaway surfers
- [AIR HORNS BLOW]
right next to our JFK TSA vampires.
- Thank you for your service!
- This city doesn't bleed without you all.
[CHEERING]
- [NANDOR] Yes!
- That's right! That's right, Jerry!
Tonight we've gathered to hear
from our esteemed leader
- [CHEERING]
- the great Baron Afanas.
Our supreme commander in charge
of our conquest of the New World.
[NANDOR] Yes, conquest!
At least, that was the plan, right?
- [CHEERING STOPS]
- Wasn't it?
Taking over the New World?
- [VAMPIRE 1 CLEARS THROAT]
- People feeling good about it?
I'm just asking questions. I don't know.
Maybe the Baron will be able to
provide some of these answers tonight.
Maybe there's a
perfectly good explanation
for why we were sent here 250
years ago to conquer the continent
and we still find ourselves
cowering in the shadows.
- Do you have an answer for that? Do you know why?
- [NANDOR] What's this shit?
- [VAMPIRE 2] When can we move on?
- Jerry.
That introduction I cannot live up to.
- Thank you, thank you.
- 'Cause here's what I wanna know.
- [LASZLO] What the fuck?
- [JERRY] Does the fault lie in ourselves?
Does it lie in our stars?
Or
- does it lie in our leadership?
- [VAMPIRES CLAMORING]
- [VAMPIRE 4] He has a point!
- I'm genuinely asking. I don't know.
- [THE GUIDE] Hey, hey.
- [LASZLO] What is he talking about?
Move! [GRUNTS]
Gimme that. How dare
you disrespect this man?
- [LASZLO] Hear! Hear!
- This is the great,
the beautiful Baron Afanas.
[CHEERING]
And this man, this mixer
of boiling hot feces,
he knows not of his place.
He's nothing but a sower of
discontent and disrespect.
- [SPITS]
- [GRUNTS] Let me see that.
- [NADJA] Puttana! No!
- Let me see that.
- No. No. Shut up!
- Hold on. Hold on.
- [MONSTER GROWLING]
- No. No, no, don't
[CROWD GASPS]
- [WHIMPERS]
- [LASZLO] Ah!
[MONSTER GROANS]
- [BARON] Uh
- Okay. Uh, that was not my fault.
- [NADJA CHUCKLES]
- [GASPING, MURMURING]
- [MONSTER GROWLS]
- [VAMPIRE 5] Jerry was killed by that Frankenstein monster!
- [CROWD CLAMORING]
- It's Cravensworth's monster.
Run! Run!
They killed Jerry! The Staten
Island vampires killed Jerry!
- No, we didn't.
- Kill them!
- [CROWD SHOUTING]
- We should get the fuck out of here!
[VAMPIRE 7] Kill them!
Fucking hell. How
many bats are up there?
[NADJA] So flying home is not an option.
[NANDOR] Where do we go, what
do we do and how do we do it?
[WHIMPERS] We need to get home.
Which way is home? Is it north?
- I'm certain we are south.
- No. No, we're not. I'm feeling east.
[COLIN] You know I can't fly, you dicks.
[NADJA] Ah. Colin Robinson,
do you know how to get home?
- No, I have no idea. I
- [GROANS]
I never thought I'd ever say this,
but I think we need to call Gizmo.
- [NADJA] Ah! Yes.
- Yes, great idea.
Guillermo!
Not like that, you fucking idiot.
With the phone that he's doing.
I can also try echolocating.
- [VOCALIZES]
- Nadja, I'm on the phone!
[MIGUEL] Come one, man. That's
why you gotta concentrate.
[GUILLERMO] I was concentrating.
- [GRUNTS]
- So this new job has a documentary about it too?
No, it's actually the same documentary.
It just now follows a
guy who quits his old job
and goes out into the regular world.
Okay, word. So it's like
Sling Blade. But boring.
Know what, Miguel? This is
why I don't hang out with you.
You don't hang out
with any of the familia.
I don't because every time I do,
they make me feel guilty
that I'm always busy.
This was a mistake. I'm
sorry. I'm gonna go, okay?
Hey, hey. Come on, Memo.
I'm not mad at you, man.
We love you. All right? We were worried.
We never saw you. You're
out there on your own.
You never even talked
about having any friends.
Don't worry about me, okay?
I have plenty of friends.
Oh, really? That's great.
Name me one friend.
Like, who's your best friend?
That would be, uh, Nandor.
Nandor?
My My boss. My ex-boss.
He's not my boss anymore.
Your best friend is your former boss?
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- I know, okay? It's complicated, but
Wait.
Colin?
Wait, slow down. What?
[MIGUEL] Here we go, Mr.
Drama Queen. Just like always.
Every time we start to have fun, you all
of a sudden have an emergency somewhere.
- My friends need help. They're in danger.
- In danger?
It's gonna sound crazy, but
someone's trying to kill them.
- What the fuck?
- Just please let me go.
No, no. Fuck that. I'm going
with you, all right? Let's roll.
You don't even know them.
Why would you wanna come?
I don't need to know them.
You're my familia, all right? I
have to have your back. Let's go.
- Okay.
- An attack on your friends is an attack on all of us.
Seat belt on.
Wait. You should know before we
go that my friends, they're
they're not like
the regular people that you know.
Memo, will you chill out?
I have gay friends,
all right? It's not
a big deal. !¡AÁndale!
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
And remember, when we
find them, I get dibs
- on killing the one with the really gross man bun.
- [GIRL 1] So cringe.
[GIRLS LAUGH]
- [GIRL 2] They're not here. Let's go.
- [GIRL 1] Okay, let's go.
[RUMBLING]
- Okay. That was not supposed to go that way.
- [CAT SCREECHES]
I cannot believe that Jerry
betrayed the Baron like that.
As long as you are all right,
that's all that matters.
- Ugh.
- [THE GUIDE] I have been serving Jerry for months.
I feel so betrayed. I'm so sorry.
I hear you, I hear you. You
know, trust is essential
Um We're just gonna give you
guys a minute. Just give you some
[NANDOR] Sounds like
this Jerry does not get
Laszlo, why did your monster flip
the fuck out and pop Jerry's head?
He was just performing
his duties as a protector.
Well, then how do I know that he might
not just flip out one
day and pop my head?
- My monster would never do that.
- How could you be so sure?
Look at the mess that thing has created.
That lumbering, demented donkey of a
creature is clearly capable of anything.
No, no, no. He's not. My darling,
my monster would never hurt you.
I didn't want you to know,
but the sole objective of
creating him in the first place
was to keep you safe.
- What?
- My darling,
if anything were to happen to me,
- you would be protected.
- [LAUGHS]
- What?
- When have I ever needed protecting
from anything or anyone?
I knew you'd react like this.
For the record, my darling,
I was a vampire on my own for centuries.
Before you came along, Mr. Cravensworth,
I once ripped an entire pack of
werewolves to shreds with my bare fangs
and then scattered their entrails
on the road like a confetti.
- I've heard this story a thousand
- Ah! A confetti.
[LASZLO] The skies are clear.
[THE GUIDE] Let's try
to get our bearings.
- [NADJA GASPS] Look. Look down there.
- [CHATTERING]
Athletes preparing for a
baseball game? At this hour?
They're not athletes, you tit.
They're the Bronx Bomber vampires.
Well, they're looking for us.
Good. Let's just take them on
and get this over with. [HISSES]
No, we should cross the bridge.
- [NANDOR] Okay.
- [NADJA SCOFFS]
- [COLIN] Keep walking.
- [THE GUIDE] They're coming up here!
- [COLIN] Just keep walking.
- [BATS SQUEAKING]
- [NANDOR] What now?
- [LASZLO] Shit.
Oh, no. It's the Meatpacking
District vampires.
[LASZLO] As deadly
as they are beautiful.
I wouldn't mind having my meat packed.
- This way. To the subway.
- [NADJA] Shut the fuck up.
- [NANDOR] Flee! Down here!
- [LASZLO] We must run!
[LASZLO] Come on. Take cover fast!
- [THE GUIDE] Fuck yeah. I see an entrance.
- [BATS SQUEAKING]
[NADJA] Come on. Hurry.
[THE GUIDE] Does the subway
even go to Staten Island?
- [NANDOR] Stay close, Blondie.
- [LASZLO] What the fuck?
- [NANDOR] Hey. What's this shit?
- [THE GUIDE YELPS]
- [NADJA] Great. Jumping vampires.
- [LASZLO] All right. Cool down.
[NADJA] Is it hat vampires?
- [LASZLO] Fuck off. Fuck off.
- [NANDOR] Oh, shit.
[NADJA] No. What are they?
These guys are the, uh
[HISSING]
I don't actually know what
kind of vampires these are.
- Are they '80s vampires?
- Breakdance vampires?
No, I think they're
Fame the movie vampires,
or Fame the TV show vampires.
And the space suit fella must
represent MTV or something.
Then what's with the
riverboat gambler guy?
[COLIN] They lost me
there. I have no clue.
You killed Jerry the vampire.
No, no. That was done
by a random monster.
- Shazam!
- [THE GUIDE] Uh-oh.
- Five, six, seven, eight.
- [THE GUIDE] No!
- ["PLANET ROCK" PLAYS]
- [NANDOR] What's this shit?
- [THE GUIDE] Ooh!
- [NADJA] Oh! Okay.
They're twinkle-toe
vampires. I got this.
[NADJA LAUGHS]
Have you ever seen feet
move at this medium pace?
- [LASZLO] All right.
- [NANDOR] That's a nice one. Aha!
[THE GUIDE] Oh.
- [LASZLO] Fuck off. [HISSES]
- [COLIN] Wow.
- [THE GUIDE] It's really good.
- [NANDOR] Not bad.
- Oh
- [LASZLO] Fuck this shit.
- [VAMPIRES GRUNT]
- [THE GUIDE] What? What?
- [COLIN] Okay.
- [NADJA] What the fuck?
- [AIR HISSING]
- [GROANING]
[NADJA] Fuck, Laszlo!
[COLIN] They really
weren't that threatening.
- [NADJA] You idiot.
- [LASZLO GIGGLES]
- [GAMBLER VAMPIRE GROANS]
- [COLIN] Well, he's dead.
- [NANDOR] Full house.
- I was handling it.
- Sorry.
- [NADJA GROANS]
Let's just keep moving, all right?
We'll get above ground
- Okay.
- so Guillermo can find us.
- [NANDOR] Good idea.
- [NADJA] Whatever.
[NANDOR] You know, I really
like it when you take charge.
- [TIRES SQUEALING]
- [MIGUEL] No, no, no.
Don't worry about the address.
I'll text when I get it.
Just gather 'em up. Keep your
phone on, all right? All right.
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Who was that?
- Some friends. In case we need backup.
- [GUILLERMO] Backup?
You said your friends
are gonna get killed.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
- Where are they, man?
- I don't know, okay?
Colin lost his location,
so maybe he lost reception.
- I can try calling again. I don't know.
- Are these people even real?
Are you kidding me right
now? Yes, they're real.
- Why would I be doing this if they're not real?
- I just had to check.
- Had to check? They're real, okay? Don't worry.
- You're acting crazy.
They're my friends, and they're
vampires, so there's that.
- Did you just say they're vampires?
- Yeah.
Actually, you met one of them.
- What?
- Yeah, but you attacked her.
- [MIGUEL] The fuck?
- You attacked her.
I would remember something like that.
How could you? She hypnotized you.
How you gonna remember, hmm?
- You know what? Let's just keep driving.
- Yeah, let's keep driving.
- [PHONE RINGS]
- [GUILLERMO] Oh, it's Colin.
Hey, hey. Hi, Colin. Where are you?
[COLIN] Okey dokey.
I just got off the phone with Gizmo
and gave him
[GRUNTING] our locash.
You know, Laszlo,
I had those dancing vampire
freaks in the palm of my hands.
I do not need you or your
stupid monster to protect me.
Is that what you think?
My darling, I did not train
my monster to protect you
because I thought you
could not live without me.
I trained that monster
because I cannot live without you.
Laszlo,
I cannot live without you.
But if something was to happen
to you and I was to lose you,
it wouldn't be your
protection I would miss.
It would be you.
Your looks, the layers
in your hairs. Your wit.
And the way you use
that extremely large hog.
And that cannot be taught.
- [GIGGLING] No, it can't.
- [NADJA LAUGHS]
[LASZLO LAUGHS]
Aw. They're being sweet again.
- Yes.
- [NADJA] The way that
Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?
Think about what?
Well, isn't it obvious?
I have been searching
for love for so very long,
and it was right here the whole time.
Right under my nose.
In front of my nose.
- Me?
- You.
[GROANS] Ugh.
- So, I've watched your search for love.
- Mm-hmm.
This one, that one.
- Your dead wife.
- Yes.
- Guillermo's boyfriend.
- Freddie.
Gail. I mean, basically, anyone
and everyone who wasn't me.
And I've seen after
you won their hearts.
It all falls apart.
Because you're all about the
conquest, not the victory.
You're a good friend, but
you will never have me.
Ever.
Sorry, could you run that by me again?
[CHUCKLES] I completely zoned out.
I got ever so lost in those big,
- beautiful blue eyes of yours.
- [HINGE CREAKING]
[THE GUIDE] I said you'll never have me.
I have a little bit of self-respect.
A little [CHUCKLING] bit.
- [NANDOR] I just feel so ready for love.
- Okay.
- Mmm Wait a minute. What is that?
- Hey.
- [NADJA] Laszlo.
- [LASZLO] Oh, shit.
- [NANDOR] What the fuck?
- [LASZLO] Graveyard vampires.
- [GRAVEYARD VAMPIRES HISSING]
- Well, you hang out in a graveyard,
you can expect spooky crap like this.
[NADJA] Oh, bloody fuck.
- [NANDOR] Should we
- There's too many of them.
- Run while you can.
- Yes, yes. Come on, Laszlo.
- [NANDOR] This way. Come on, you skull fucks.
- Yes.
- [SHOUTS]
- [SNARLING]
[NANDOR] Here. Quick! Shit. Shit.
- [ALL HISSING AND GROWLING]
- [LASZLO] Come on, do your worst.
Fucking hell. Ah!
- [HISSES]
- [CAMERAMAN] No, no, no! Wait!
No. Fuck off.
[LASZLO] Ah! I see you
know your judo well.
- Laszlo!
- It's all right, my darling. I'll be right there.
I'm coming! Hang your cape on that.
[LASZLO] Get your hands off me.
[GRUNTS]
Get out, you motherfucker!
- [THE GUIDE] Ooh.
- [NANDOR STAMMERS]
Nadja! There's some over here too.
[NADJA] All right. Who's next?
I can do this all night long.
[NADJA GRUNTS]
- [NANDOR GROANS] Fuck off.
- [THE GUIDE] Oh.
- [LASZLO] Help me up. [GRUNTS]
- [NANDOR] Laszlo.
- Where's my wife?
- She's over there.
- [NADJA] Okay. Very good aim. Wow!
- [LASZLO CHUCKLES]
Look at my gruesome girl go.
It's like front row at a Gallagher show.
[NANDOR] I think maybe he's dead?
I will say when he's dead.
Very impressive. But I think there
might be more vampires on the way.
- Perhaps we should get out of here.
- In a minute!
Okay.
[SIGHS] Now we can go.
[NANDOR] Great. Let's do that.
[NADJA SIGHS]
- Do you want a straw?
- Nope.
You think that maybe we should
order coffee drinks thank you
so we don't look like
a bunch of vampires
sat around waiting for
our familiar to save us?
We can all be here without
everyone ordering coffee.
And we can stay at the
table as long as we want.
And when it comes to the bathrooms,
- legally, it's Thunderdome.
- [GUILLERMO] Hey.
- [THE GUIDE] Guillermo!
- [NANDOR] Guillermo.
- [NADJA] Finally.
- [COLIN] Hey, Gomez.
- You took your sweet time.
- Nadja, you all right? You have a little
Yeah, covered, uh, in
brain and blood and guts.
Yes. Thank you for noticing.
So, uh, your vampire friends, they
hang out at coffee shops? [CHUCKLES]
Hey, look, no offense.
I love the costumes, man.
You turn your mom's rug into a
dress? That's pretty cool. [CHUCKLES]
But, uh, you guys really
think you're vampires?
[GUILLERMO] No, Nandor. Don't
hurt him. That's my cousin, Miguel.
- [LAUGHS]
- No kidding.
So you are the famous Miguel.
We have heard lots about you.
[BREATHING SHAKILY] What the fuck?
Guillermo tells us you're
very tough and very cool
and once locked him in
a cupboard for six hours.
- Put it there.
- Don't need to fist bump on that.
Sorry about that. Let's
straighten that for you.
- You guys kill people?
- No shit, Kojak.
Chillax, Miguel.
'Cause a member of Guillermo's
family is a member of our family.
- Right, guys?
- [LASZLO] Right.
- "Vamilia."
- Nadnor! I have a Nadnor.
Is that for you, Nandor?
No, she is calling
someone called Nadnor.
Also, I have not ordered anything, so
- I have one roundhouse kick for a Nandor.
- Yes. I am Nan
[GRUNTS, HISSES]
How quaint. A barista vampire.
We're not barista vampires.
We're artist and writer vampires
who happen to currently
be working as baristas.
- And graphic designer vampires.
- [HISSES]
- Hi. I'm Cass.
- Hi, Cass.
- Personal essayist vampire Louis here.
- [HISSES]
- Got a shot for Nandor.
- Oh, that's me. Yes.
- [LASZLO LAUGHS]
- Fucking guy.
My mistake. That was
supposed to be a double shot.
[MIGUEL GROWLS]
Whoa. Oh, shit.
Oh, I forgot to mention.
You have Van Helsing
blood running through you.
- What?
- It's a long story. I'll tell you later, okay?
[GUILLERMO GRUNTS]
[ALL GRUNTS, HISSING]
[LASZLO] Bat.
Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
It's because I said the word "bat."
- And I've done it again. I meant to say
- [GUILLERMO] Miguel.
Should we get involved?
You know, I forgot how
scrappy Gizmo can be
when he gets a bit of
a bee in his bonnet.
[GUILLERMO] Ooh.
- [MIGUEL] Steam.
- [SCREAMING]
"Vampuccino."
I will fucking kill you.
Ah! Ooh. Very good.
[MIGUEL GRUNTS]
[BARISTA VAMPIRE GROANS]
[COLIN] Almost there.
Keep reaching, Gizmo.
- [GUILLERMO GRUNTS]
- [LOUIS GROWLS, GRUNTS]
- [GUILLERMO GRUNTS]
- [LASZLO] Nice shot.
- Ooh. Dead. Very good.
- [THE GUIDE] Guillermo.
- We should go.
- [NADJA] Yes.
- [ENGINES ROARING]
- [LASZLO] What the fuck is that?
Just some homeys of mine. I called
them in case we were outnumbered.
[MIGUEL] Here they come. Hell
yeah! Donnie brought the Spyder.
- [LASZLO] Fancy a ride, my darling?
- [THE GUIDE] Hello.
[GUILLERMO] We gotta go.
[COLIN] This one? Hold on, hold on.
- [MIGUEL] Get in, man.
- [NADJA] Colin Robinson!
Let's go. We have to go.
[NANDOR] I don't want
to get my cape caught.
[NANDOR] Ah.
- [NADJA] Oh, home.
- [LASZLO] Oh, yes.
- [NADJA] We're home.
- [COLIN] Ooh, doggy.
- [NADJA SIGHS] Baron?
- Well, well, well.
[THE GUIDE] You're okay!
Look who came home!
Baron, how did you get back so fast?
Did you know that Staten Island
has an above-ground train?
- It's actually quite pleasant.
- [NANDOR] Hey
And it gave me a chance to open up
that Louise Penny I have on audiobook.
- Love her.
- [BARON] She's okay. But a quick question.
What the hell were you thinking?
Why did you kill Jerry the Vampire?
B-Because, Baron, Jerry was a
huge threat to your almighty power.
Yes.
Which is why I wanted to kill him myself
in front of everyone
to reassert my power.
Do you honestly think
that I did not know
this insipid gathering was a trap?
- [GASPS]
- You knew?
[BARON] Of course I knew.
I didn't know Jerry
was the enemy, Baron.
But that is no excuse.
I have dishonored myself.
But even worse, I have dishonored you.
I will now take my own life.
- No. No!
- [THE GUIDE WHIMPERS] No, let me
- [NANDOR] I will not. [GRUNTS]
- [COLIN] Let her.
- Baron, take my life instead.
- [COLIN] Do it.
- [NADJA] Huh.
- Hold on here. Are you two a thing?
- No. Not at all.
- It's early days.
- Get up. We're going to run out of vampires at this rate.
- [MONSTER GROWLING]
- [LASZLO] What the blazes?
- [ALL SCREAM]
- [MONSTER GRUNTS, GROWLS]
- [NADJA GASPS]
- [NANDOR MUMBLES]
- Gift.
[NADJA] Oh. Jerry's
crushed head. Thank you.
- Very nice.
- [GIGGLES]
- You can just lay that down there.
- [MONSTER GRUNTS]
I will find somewhere
lovely for it later.
- Now, we all have much organizing
- Good job.
to do for tomorrow evening.
To set this right.
[BARON] Here we are again.
Jerry tried to tear us apart.
But we, unlike Jerry,
will work as one.
- [LASZLO, NANDOR, NANDOR] Yes.
- [BARON] For it will take all of us,
all vampires,
to bring the humans of this new world
under our dominion.
- [VAMPIRES] Yes!
- Any questions?
[VAMPIRES MURMURING]
- Ah.
- [MONSTER GROWLING]
[GRUNTS]
[VAMPIRES GASPING, CLAMORING]
Okay. Anybody else? Let's
see. There was someone
Ah. You.
[MONSTER GROWLS]
[BARON] Did you have a question?
- Uh, nope.
- [BARON] Are you sure?
Because I thought I saw your hand go up.
[GROWLS]
I thought I had a had a
question, but then y-you answered it.
Just as I thought.
[GROWLS]
Vampires dismissed.
- [VAMPIRES MURMURING]
- [MONSTER SNARKS]
[BARON] Two nights out in a row.
The Sire's never gonna let
me hear the end of this.
["NOWHERE TO RUN" PLAYS]
Nowhere to run to, baby ♪
Nowhere to hide ♪
I got nowhere to run to, baby ♪
Nowhere to hide, no ♪
That's not love
that I'm running from ♪
It's the heartache I know will come ♪
- 'Cause I know you're no good for me ♪
- You're no good ♪
But you've become a part of me ♪
Everywhere that I go your face I see ♪
Every step that I take
you take with me, yeah ♪
Nowhere to run to, baby ♪
Nowhere to hide, no ♪
I got nowhere to run to, baby ♪
Nowhere to hide ♪
Nowhere to run ♪
No, no, no, no, no, no ♪
Ow! ♪