Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads? (1973) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Oh, what happened to you? Whatever happened to me? What became of the people we used to be? Tomorrow's almost over Today went by so fast Is the only thing to look forward to the past? THEY GIGGLE 'Ee, where did you get those wellies? Off the man in the site office.
Remember? The little man with a limp.
Oh, Bob, look! The damp course! How could I ever forget? And a week later The main drainage! My house! I can't get used to saying that.
"Have you seen my house?" "Come round to my house.
" "We could meet at my house.
" "I'm thinking of selling my house.
" Come on, we haven't moved in yet! Anyway, it's OUR house.
I know, pet.
OUR house.
Chez nous! Oh, Bob! I can't wait to move in.
What's on those other slides? I think there's just a mixture of everything.
Are you happy? I mean, really really happy happy? I'm fantastically happy.
I am.
I know it's silly, but sometimes it worries me I'm so happy.
I keep expecting something to come along and spoil it.
Daft thing.
What could possibly do that? You did that on purpose! I just picked one at random! Some jokes I can understand like electrocuting people, but suddenly, just like that, producing HIM! It's not funny! Thelma, I just picked it out like a lucky dip.
A lucky dipor an unlucky dip! I could've been anything your sister's wedding or us caravanning in East Links.
It just happened to be the Creature from the Black Lagoon! Oh, I'm sorry.
It was the shock.
He's always been there a nagging doubt haunting me! Love, dearestit isn't as if he's even a friend of mine any more.
He hasn't spoken to me in over four years! Even when he came home on leave at Christmas, he didn't see me.
And my mother sent him a racing calendar! I mean, I hardly know Terry Collier now.
Mmm.
You're just upset 'cos I'm going to London! No, I'm not.
It's business, not a last fling! I'm only a cheap day return! Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll go make you some tea and cheese and biscuits.
It was just seeing THAT! My rabbit wants chocolate.
Rabbits don't eat chocolate.
They eat lettuce and carrots.
Mine doesn't.
I think rabbit would like a lie down.
He's not feeling too well, what with the train and you swinging him.
Let's put him up here in his hammock.
He wants some chocolate.
No, he doesn't! Bunny is in his bunk dreaming of bunny girls and will be until Paddington! Thanks ever so much.
Did they play up? No.
I've a way with kids.
I'm grateful.
You in the Services? Did you enjoy it? Apart from this, yeah.
What happened? I never talk about it.
Sorry.
Please, you weren't to know.
Do you live in London? No.
Getting the train up North tonight.
You're welcome to come back with me.
Get your feet up for the day.
Oh, yeah? Why not? You'd like my husband.
He was a marine.
Yes, well, it's kind of you but I've only got the day to see relatives.
That's it.
Must spend the day with family.
Spare seat? Oh, sod it! Sorry, was that your foot? I've got another.
What's up with the lights? Power failure! Would you believe it? The jet age(!) "Intercity makes the going great"(!) Huh! Typical of this country! Any heating on your side? OUCH! Sorry, again.
How far are you going? Newcastle.
For God's sake, sit.
I'll be black and blue by the time we're there! Are you from up that way? Nearby.
Haven't been for ages.
Been in the army.
Oh, aye? Enjoy it(?) Got a lot out of it.
I nearly went in once.
Could've done worse.
Funny story attached to it.
See, I had this mate.
Me best mate.
Very close.
A few years ago, I thought it'd be a good idea to join up.
See a bit of the world.
So I signed on.
But when I went away, this mate of mine went to pieces.
I suppose it was like losing your right arm.
So, he signs on just to be with me.
And, you'll never guess CHORTLES He gets in and I get discharged! Flat feet! I'm free again and he's in for three years! I can still see the look on his face! I still laugh when I think about it.
It's a sad story in a way, 'cos he hasn't spoken to me since, but when you're telling a story, you have to see the funny side! You've got to laugh! Ha, ha, ha, haha! You bastard! Terry! You rotten bastard! You've got to see the funny side(!) Your best mate lost the most vital years of his life! It is a joke! I'm very sorry, Terry.
You said sorry when you stepped on my foot! Does sorry wipe the slate clean? I TRIED to buy you out! Honestly, I organised a whip-round.
We just couldn't raise enough funds.
My going away whip-round had plenty funds! That was for you going away.
We couldn't seem to raise the same support for youcoming back.
Suppose you had to laugh at that, too? I don't mean it's funny ha-ha.
I meanwell, it's ironical, if you like.
Yeah, it's ironical that I missed the country's social transformation! While everyone had the best time since the Roaring 20s, I was stuck in BFPO14! I missed it all! Swinging Britain was just hearsay.
Something I read about in the overseas edition of the Daily Mail! Death of censorship, "Oh! Calcutta!", topless waitresses in see-through knickers! They never caught on.
Topless waitresses.
That's a crumb of comfort(!) I'd have liked to have been here to SEE them not catching on! Permissive society(!) I get back and it's Malcolm Muggeridge, Lord Longford and the Jesus revolution! It wasn't that much.
Better than Munchen Gladbach! Where? EXACTLY! Munchen Gladbach.
Where's that? Munchen Gladbach is West Hartlepool of West Germany! Look, Terry, what happened, happened.
I didn't engineer it! It wasn't part of a grand plan.
It wasn't a conspiracy.
It was kismet! Fate! As Doris Day said: "Que sera sera.
" I can't stand Doris Day! OK, just ask yourself one question.
Could I have forged flat feet? And would I, seriously, WANT my own two feet to be flat?! No, I suppose not.
Thank you.
Not that I suppose it means anything at all to you, but I was very upset.
I missed you.
Did you? We ALL did! Me and the lads spent two months trying to get a request on "Two Way Family Favourites".
I never heard it! Don't blame me! Take it up with Michael Aspel.
What was it? Doris Day singing "Que Sera Sera".
I can't STAND Doris Day! I didn't know your musical taste, did I? You could've been into Pink Floyd or the Foden Works Brass Band! You're looking very well.
I am.
I am! Fit! Fit! Well, apart from this.
What's up with your leg? I never talk about it.
.
.
Oh.
How have you been then? Fine.
Fine.
I can't complain.
Good, I'm glad to hear it.
I had me appendix out two years ago.
No hard feelings? No hard feelings.
Welcome back.
Glad to be back.
Good lad! God, man! No need for all that! I'm sorry.
I always was a bit emotional! I'll be all right.
OhI think this is yours.
Oh, cheers! You haven't altered much.
Oh, aye? Cheers.
Cheers.
You don't look a day older.
No? You do.
Most people don't think so! It's probably 'cos you've put weight on.
I haven't! I've been careful about me diet! Put on round here.
Really? You've certainly put some on there! Most people have! People say it suits me.
That I look like Ilie Nastase.
Who? Nastase, the tennis player.
Tennis(!) I like it.
I've joined the Rockcliff Club.
God preserve us! I saw your mother the other day.
She looked well.
Oh, aye? It was through the car window.
Through the what? The car window.
What car window? MY car window! You've got a car? I haven't just got the window! But you can't drive! Of course I can! My second car this is.
What happened to the first? Too small.
Yeah, well, obviously, one of the first things I'll do is get a car.
Got a licence then? Well, not exactly.
Army one won't count.
Driving tanks isn't the same.
You've been away five years? Yeah.
But you only signed on for three? Yeah.
So you must've signed on for an extra two.
I suppose so.
So, you must've enjoyed it! Well, I suppose, looking back, in retrospect, overall, by and large, it was a rewarding experience.
There were enough good things to compensate for the bad.
Do you want to sit down, mate? D'you know, I don't think that would be a bad idea.
Mind you, it gave me a chance to see some fantastic places! Like Munchen Gladbach? I wasn't in Germany ALL the time! I've seen places the ordinary bloke would never get a chance to go to! Like where? Malta, for one.
I could tell you some things That's fantastic! I was there last year! Yeah, well, Malta's not much cop really.
Anybody can get there.
I spent most time in Cyprus.
Famagusta? Yes.
In those medieval barracks near the port? Yes, why? We were in the luxury hotel just beyond there! Seventh floor with a balcony! We could look down on your quadrangle.
Parade ground! The brochure should've said, "On a clear day you can see Cpl Collier.
" It looked a desperate place! I only worked there! Every weekend I was off! I spent a week's leave in Tunis.
That's INCREDIBLE! We were THERE this year! Smashing hotel.
I was then posted to the Gobi Desert! Funny we didn't meet there(!) No, but it's a small world.
While I've sat on my luxury hotel balcony sipping martinis, you've been an olive stone's throw away, in some dusty barracks swilling NAAFI beer! You're living in the dark ages.
You've no idea what today's army's like! It's all sophisticated! Water skiing and growing your hair longer.
"Fill in coupon for free brochure"! I'm glad.
It makes me feel a whole lot better.
Glad you owe it to my flat feet.
What's all gone on while I've been away? I don't know where to begin! I told you about me appendix, didn't I? Well Obviously, a fantastic amount has happened.
Ermlet me thinkerm .
.
let me seeerm We've got BBC2 now! We had that before I left.
Did we? Ee, how time flies! Ermwhat's been happening What's happened Cloughie's retired and bought a newsagent's.
Has he? And tobacconist's.
Really? I bought a birthday card there for Mrs Morris.
How fantastic(!) And that's it, is it? That's a brief summary of what I've missed in five years? Cloughie's bought a newsagency and Mrs Morris has had a birthday(?) Come on, obviously a lot more than that has happened! You'd be surprised at the changes if you'd kept in touch! I meant to, Bob.
That first Christmas I fully intended to come round and patch things up.
Then me mam said you'd got engaged to Thelma Chambers.
So, you know You NEVER liked Thelma, did you? I did! That's got nothing to do with it! It was just realising that nothing would be the same.
I just felt out of place.
Nothing to do with Thelma.
I admire her.
We broke it off just after that.
Did you? Yeah.
Well, I can't say I'm sorry, Bob.
That's a load off my mind! You're a mate and if you wanna get married, get married, but not to Thelma! You can do better than that! I never could understand what you saw in her! Didn't half give herself some airs! She was so stuck up, she thought her backside was a perfume factory! What's up? I am marrying Thelma Chambers in six weeks' time! But you just said We made it up again! Bob Please don't bother to apologise! "What does 'I'm sorry' mean? You can't turn back the clock.
" We obviously have little in common.
It amazes me we ever did have.
I wish you the best for the future.
Give my regards to your parents.
Same again.
No, I'll 'ave a short.
Scotch.
Where does this train stop next? Doncaster? Aye.
If I get off, I can get the next train back to London.
Never go back! I sacrificed the best five years of my life for that fellow! And now he says he's getting married! Don't worry, sailor.
There's plenty more.
Thank you very much(!) I suppose letting me sleep on was a childish way of getting your own back! We might have exchanged harsh words, but a little tap wouldn't have hurt.
I didn't see the point in telling you I was getting off at Doncaster.
WHAT?! Oh, my God! You met WHO? Oh, I knew it! I KNEW it! That photo was no accident.
It was an act of God! An omen! And you're trapped with him in DONCASTER? Oh, this is it, isn't it? The point of no return.
I hope you realise, Bob, that the next half hour could be a landmark in your life! Any spare seats? Free country.
I expect you feel the cold after the Med.
WHY? Why did you get off here? I thought it was the one place Bob Ferris hadn't been to! No, seriously.
It's like you said, Bob, you can't turn the clock back.
You said it first.
Whoever.
It's true, that's the point.
Apart from me folks, there's nothing for me back home.
There'll be more changes than Cloughie's newsagent's.
We're not the same people we used to be.
It was simple then birds, booze and the dance hall.
Now it's the wife, tennis clubs, scampi supper dances and holidays in Malta.
All me mates will have settled down with mortgages and children, saving green shield stamps for glasses! I'll be a square peg in a round whatsit.
When I was first in the army, I used to think, "When I get back!" Then I thought, "When I get back, what?" Can't expect everything to have been in a deep freeze.
I envy you in a way.
You've got your girl.
You've got your second car.
Good luck to you.
I'm very sorry, Terry.
Ah, it's OK.
It's funny.
Since we met, we've done nothing but apologise.
I know, I'm sorry about that Aye, well What will you do then? I've always thought I should try London.
Place to be.
Well, the permissive society is still going on there.
I might just catch the tail end.
I caught a glimpse of it today in Soho.
Where? Some strip club.
Dear me! Tut-tut.
I spent most of the day round the galleries.
I was just killing time.
Which club was it? Knave of Hearts.
With the Maltese girl and boa constrictor? How do you know? I passed it on my way to the Tate.
No, I went to get Thelma a special wedding present.
Bond Street.
What is it? It's a barometer.
It's a bit big, isn't it? She'll have a job sticking that in her mouth! You hang it on the wall.
It shows you what the weather is! You can look out the window! She's always wanted one! Bet her temperature will go up when you say you met me! I already did.
I rang her.
She's meeting me.
What did she say? She said this was my moment of truth.
People do not have moments of truth in station waiting rooms! She said the threat of your return has cast a shadow over her future happiness.
She's very poetic.
She's assistant librarian! Mind, I can appreciate her panic.
Phone call must've put the wind right up her kilt! When she's meets your train, she'll only be 50% sure you'll be on it.
Get stuffed.
She won't believe us sitting here.
She'll have us in the latin quarter being seen to by two West Indian models! She knows me better than that.
Trust a word you don't understand, what exists between two people who are going to get married.
Not having to worry.
Not having a care.
Not having to be afraid.
Not having doubts.
Besides, Doncaster hasn't got a latin quarter.
Has it? Sure you won't change your mind, Terry? After all, it IS your home.
No, me mind's made up.
I can manage in London once I get used to their beer! Anyway, for your sake, I'm best out! I don't want to cast my wiry shadow over your happiness.
So, this is it? Aye.
See you in another five years.
I expect Cloughie will have a chain of shops by then! Aye.
I'll say so long, then.
So long.
God bless.
Cheers.
Bob? You've got a surprise for me.
HelloThelma.