White Famous (2017) s01e02 Episode Script


1 [JASON] Hey! [BALLS] Here's what's been happenin' on White Famous.
I'm making this movie about an African American attorney.
My mom's gonna be over the moon.
She's always wanted me to be an attorney.
- No, you play the old woman.
- Wait, what? This very proud brown man is trying to make you a very successful black man.
The goal has always been white famous.
Why do I have to be white famous? - Oh, hell nah.
- There a problem? Do I look like the fucking valet to you? - You have a baby? - Who's in the lead? - [STU] Do you have a woman? - Got a baby mom.
You should be more worried about what next.
How about we open some wine and brainstorm, and if it gets a little too late, - we can have a sleepover.
- No.
I happen to be producing a movie with Jamie Foxx.
Try this bitch on.
Floyd fucking Mooney.
You don't think you actually still have a dick anymore, do you? [JAMIE] Oh, no.
[SCREAMS] It's gone, nigga.
I ain't gonna be able to do it, Foxx.
Foxxy wants you in the movie, motherfucker.
- hip hop instrumental - [BELL RINGS] [DIRECTOR] That's a wrap for Floyd Mooney.
It's not because I prefer white women, they're just easy to sleep with.
I would choose Puerto Rican, but they're a headache.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Yes, yes, I'll meet her.
All right, I gotta go.
I love you, bye.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up.
Ye ye! - You wrapped, motherfucker? - Thanks, Floyd.
Yeah, man, thank the Lord.
Ooh, the man with his first movie in the can! - Come on, man, chill out.
- How does it feel? How does it feel? Let's see, it feels like my first movie pretty much fucked me in the can, raw dog, - no lube, bloody stool.
- Good work.
Wow, that is just disgusting to think about.
What are you talking about, bro? Being on set is the goat.
[CHUCKLES] It's the goat? Yeah, being on set is awesome.
You just sit around all day and they just take your funny shit, and give it to the white guy, and you can't see your girl, and you sure as hell don't have time to do the one thing that you're actually passionate about, which is stand-up, and the pay is surprisingly shitty, so yeah, remind to fire my agent.
[LAUGHS] Yo, man, you gotta think about the big picture, Floyd.
Baby steps, baby boy.
You read those scripts I sent you? [SIGHS] I read a few, I tried, man, but a lot of that shit is like a dick punch to the soul.
Floyd! You are a young, black buck who just finished his first fucking movie in the middle of pilot season.
It's your time! You gotta focus, son! I need to breathe.
I wanna get back to my life.
I miss my kid.
I miss Sadie.
Now, that I understand 'cause that woman could make a dead man cum.
But that's not the point.
The point is you actually got some heat right now.
For the first time in recorded history, I'm actually getting incoming calls about your black ass.
So what you gotta do is help me so we can capitalize on this so we can figure out your next move.
- My next move is home, nigga.
- [ENGINE STARTS] Why do you call me that, man? You know I can't respond.
Hip hop instrumental [DOORBELL RINGS] [FLOYD] Sadie! [KNOCKS ON DOOR] Hello? [R&B PLAYING ON STEREO] Yo, yo! Body's aching From the want and the waiting Coming down with a sickness Floyd! Jesus, you scared the crap outta me, asshole! I'm sorry.
You can't just walk in here whenever you want.
I can when you leave the front door unlocked.
You're practically begging to get molested.
You gotta get out, I gotta get dressed, get out.
- Are you sure? - Really.
- Really? - Out! [DOOR OPENS] You look good.
So where's the boy? Play date at Zoe's house.
Who that? - What? - You haven't been around much.
That's not fair.
I've been working my ass off.
Yeah, I understand that, but he's just a kid.
He misses his daddy.
Well, I'm here now, and whatever y'all need, I got you.
Good, because we have an interview - at Broken Arrow tomorrow.
- What's that? Just the private school I've been yakking your ear off about for the past six months.
Sadie, you know how I feel about all that private school shit! You know how I feel about it! I thought we both agreed we weren't gonna do all the typical LA shit.
Well, it turns out there's a reason people do all the typical LA shit.
Public schools are overcrowded.
Kids get lost.
But it prepares you for life.
Shit, if I wouldn't have been in public school so long, I wouldn't be so fuckin' funny right now.
I was there, remember? And if we have an opportunity to give our kid a better education than we got, isn't it our responsibility to make that happen? [SIGHS] Why you gotta go and get all sensible and motherly about it? You're right, you're always right.
I'm glad you think so.
Because you need to be there tomorrow.
If both parents aren't there, they're not gonna take us seriously.
How much? - Does it matter how much? - Yes! Yes, it matters.
You making all these snarky comments about me not being around, now it sounds like you want me to hit the road so I can pay for all this shit.
Floyd, you act like you're the sole breadwinner around here.
Between the two of us, we can figure it out.
[SIGHS] I'll be there.
[TIMER DINGS] Good, thank you.
You're welcome.
So, I'm back Yeah, I see that.
And I'm available for anything you need.
You can take the garbage out.
Okay, yeah, yeah, I'll do it.
I'll do it, I'll do that for sure, my pleasure.
You know what, you could pick up Trevor from Zoe's house.
Maybe take him out to dinner, he'd love that.
Okay, all right, all right.
Well, after the trash and before the pick-up, if there's anything else that needs tending to Floyd I know, I know, okay, okay, you're tired.
I'm a little wiped myself.
You know, maybe we should just, uh, I don't know, cuddle and brush each other's hair.
I've been seeing someone.
- What?! Seriously? - Yeah, seriously.
What the fuck, Sadie?! What the fuck what the fuck? We're not together, Floyd! Sometimes, we're not together sometimes! Moments of weakness! You call them moments of weakness, I call them dope as fuck! Why you gotta drop it right now? Damn, that shit is cold! Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't wanna tell you over the phone or text it to you! Oh, why, 'cause you think I couldn't handle it? Thought I was gonna be heartbroken or some shit? - No! - Get over yourself.
Hey, be nice before you say something you can't take back! Maybe I don't wanna take it back! [DOOR SLAMS] Not only is there a snake slitherin' around in my fuckin' garden, now she wants me to pay for private school too, how 'bout them apples, Balls? Yo, man, quit actin' out, man.
Fuck you talkin' 'bout, man? Yo, take a moment.
Think about how you really feel about this shit and express that.
I don't wanna hear none of your male bravado nonsense right now.
[INHALES] You know what? [EXHALES] Do better.
Look, you love this woman, she's a good girl, great mama to your boy, she deserves to be happy.
Only you want her to be happy with you, man.
That's understandable, shit, the heart wants what it wants, motherfucker.
But what if her heart isn't in the same place as yours right now? Look, you gotta make your peace with that shit, man, or it'll eat you alive.
Know what, Balls, I think I miss you most of all.
I miss you too, nigga.
[LAUGHS] I just keep thinking about where we went wrong, man.
Come on, man, you two were too fuckin' young.
Shit, high school sweethearts and big Hollywood dreams, they don't fuckin' go together, then you throw a kid in there? It's amazing you lasted as long as you fuckin' did.
Shit, you fought the good fight, nigga, you lost.
Now it's time to accept defeat and move on, man.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] Everything's moving so fast, man.
Come on, man, that's life.
It's a fuckin' storm out there all day, every day.
Where's your happiness at, Balls, man? - Where's the woman of your dreams? - Shit.
Yo, she out there somewhere, man.
I know it.
She's a lucky fuckin' girl.
R&B instrumental [SCREAMS] You just tried to kiss me.
What the fuck you doing in my bedroom, Malcolm? Floyd, you haven't returned my calls, my emails, or my beautifully framed dick pics.
- Get the fuck out! - I can't.
It's time to strategize, okay? Muhammad has come to the mountain.
Now, I need you to brush yo teeth, because your breath smells like prison ass.
Get the fuck out! I'll be outside.
It's gonna be a great day.
Okay, well, I think the first order of business is probably getting you out of this fuckin' shithole.
Ay, this is my fuckin' home, Hodgy.
Sim Sim sala suck my dick! Ay, don't be disrespecting the domicile.
This is Balls Mamont.
I'm so sorry, Mr.
Testicles, but guess what? It's Hammer time! All right, you remember that super gay, superhero CW pilot that you read for two weeks ago? Guess what, Baby Bubba? They trying to test you, or that sitcom that had you coon it up, you know, that new version of Friends with the one black friend? Guess what, Tommy Davidson, they're trying to shove you down the producer's fuckin' throat, bro! Here's the thing, though, what if I don't wanna do none of that shit? [CHUCKLES] You gotta do something, Floyd.
- Why? - Why? Because it is pilot season, in the golden age of diversity, and you have a superpower! You're Blackman, okay? There's never been a better time in Hollywood to be a POC.
Ay, don't do nothing set in space, or put on a fuckin' cape.
- That shit's weak.
- Who the fuck asked you? - Ay, sit and spin, Mowgli.
- Hey! Whoa, whoa, not cool, man, not cool! This suit right here is worth more than this entire roach-infested snuff film of an apartment combined.
Where does the superhero one shoot? - Vancouver.
- Pass.
I don't wanna be away from my kid right now.
What about the sitcom? Shoots in New York.
Fuck! What else you got for me? There's one more.
It's less money, more prestige.
[REACTS IN DISGUST] It's some black responsibility project, it's like a musical version of Hidden Figures.
Teddy Snow is writing and directing.
No, that motherfucker's crazy, right? And you're some walk in the park? Listen, Floyd, he's a big fan of yours, and that makes him aces in my book.
Well, send it to me, and I'll have Balls take a look at it.
You already have the fuckin' script, Floyd, it's one of the ones you were supposed to read.
Where are you going? We have accomplished nothing, zero! I gotta go meet up with Trevor and Sadie.
Oh, uh, well, do tell milady that I had the head of the agency put in a good word for young Trevor at Broken Arrow.
Why you gettin' involved in my personal shit, Malcolm? I don't care about you.
I don't care about your boy.
I care about Sadie.
I would do anything for her.
Talk to Balls, figure this shit out.
So what's the story, motherfucker? What's the five-year plan for our boy? Or do you even have one? How do you keep him true to his base, and expand his brand? Or are you just on some short-term, money-grab shit? Go ahead, ISIS, I'm fuckin' waitin'.
Hip hop instrumental [SADIE] So, what do you think? It's not a school, Sadie.
School should feel like prison.
School should make you wanna bust out and do something different with your life.
You know what, you really want our kid to pick an elementary school? [SADIE] Listen, I am not in the mood for a bit right now, I think that the interview went really well, you were charming, and you were funny Yeah, that's what I do.
Of course he's gonna get in.
What makes you so sure? [TSKS] 'Cause he's black, Sadie.
He's black, haven't you heard? It's the golden age of diversity, plus it's a shit load of money, and we willing to write a check, so why wouldn't he get in? Yeah.
Hey, do you, um, wanna watch him tonight? Why, hot date? Floyd, you know it's none of your business.
You know, I wanna go up at the J Spot tonight, you know it's been a minute, so Really, you'd rather do that than hang out with our kid? You want me to hire a babysitter, is that what you're telling me? That's not what I'm saying, of course I wanna hang out with my son, but I don't wanna play fuckin' Manny while you out there gettin' wined, dined, and potentially 69'd by somebody with peanut butter brown eyes Okay, first of all, I'm not even into that.
I like to relax - Mom! Hey, Mom! - Hi, honey! What do you think? Guess it's all right.
It's all right? Well, looks like you're having a blast over there.
I mean, just seems kind of expensive.
Although, it is really nice, but I don't wanna grow up being soft.
[GASPS] I like where your head's at, little man, but you don't gotta worry about that.
Not ever.
You like it here? - 'Cause that's all that matters.
- Yeah, it's awesome! - What's not to like? - [FLOYD] Cool.
I wanna show you the robotics lab.
All right, cool.
I'm gonna be right there, - I just gotta make a call real quick.
- Okay.
Come on, Mom! [PHONE RINGS] [MALCOLM] Floyd? I'll take the fuckin' meeting.
Hip hop instrumental Hi, Floyd? - Yeah, that's me.
- Take a seat.
[DOOR CLOSES] [TEDDY] I don't give a fuck.
What do you wanna fuckin' do? You wanna fuckin' start some shit with me, too? I'll fuck you in the ass.
- [OBJECT BREAKS] - [TEDDY] Fuck you.
Teddy will be right with you.
Uh Is everything okay in there or ? Yup, all good.
Lloyd! - Floyd.
- Floyd.
Stu Beggs calls you Lloyd.
Yeah, well, Stu Beggs is getting on in years, you know, dementia and shit.
Yeah, he's shot.
You know he once had a year-long relationship with a blow-up doll of his ex-wife? He brought her everywhere, showed up to a premiere with it once.
Huge horse cock, though, and a wonderful philanthropist.
Come on inside.
All right.
[AUTOMATIC DOOR SHUTS] Do I seem infectious to you or something? No.
Well, actually, yes.
It's not personal, you know, we're all just filthy animals.
Yeah, but it's not a racial thing, I just have some OCD stuff.
Yeah, man, whatever, man, do your thing.
I do love eating pussy.
Now what is this I hear about black guys? You, uh You don't like to eat pussy, is that like a Is that a real thing? [MUFFLED] I love it.
Eat it all day.
I'm sorry, man, I don't know what the fuck you're saying right now.
Sorry, I have a problem swallowing pills.
I have to let them dissolve in my mouth, can't swallow 'em.
All right, so, uh, what do you know about this project? Not much, man.
It's set in the music world, is it hip hop? No, not at all.
But in a way, yes.
In 1980, punk rock scene was exploding in LA.
Fear, Black Flag, The Germs, all white kids, of course.
But there was this one band, Angry Black, it was these three young black dudes from Venice, they were writing songs about Ronald Reagan, and police brutality, they were NWA before there was an NWA.
- You ever hear about them? - Nope.
That's because they burned out quick.
But the lead singer, Xavier Duvall, he was brilliant, he was charismatic, and he was funny as fuck, and they had a white manager, that's me, that's the part I'm playing.
He tried to take 'em to the next level, but they wind up destroying his life in the process.
X moved into his house, he started fucking his wife, - and his daughter - [DOOR OPENS] - Ray needs to talk to you.
- Who's Ray? The production designer.
Oh, what, the Chinese fella? Sure.
Five minutes.
Take your time.
Do you need anything, Floyd? - Nah, I'm good.
- Okay.
Caught you lookin'.
Huh? Nah.
I wasn't looking, just, uh, just sittin' here, minding my own damn business, that's all.
I love your stand-up, by the way.
Oh, word, you seen me live? No, I just saw some stuff on the Internet.
Okay, right on.
You like to go on the Internet? Uh, sure.
Where do you like to go, on the Internet? W-What do you mean? Like, when you're just trying to relax, and blow off some steam.
[LAUGHS] Where we goin' with this? I like this one, it's called Baby Got Blacked.
Teen girls, huge black cocks.
[LAUGHS] You're fucking with me right now, right? Do you want me to fuck with you? Uh, listen, you fine as fuck, but, uh, I'm 100% not interested in this right now.
Okay, maybe 75%.
And decreasing.
When he says 5 minutes, he really means 15 minutes.
Well, you know, a lot can happen in 15 minutes.
I typically do my best work in under 15 minutes, so, uh [LAUGHS] He's so mean to me.
He never lets me out of the house, - he hates all my friends.
- Who now? Hey, what the hell is going on here? Uh, nothing, man, just, uh, we just-just marinatin'.
I take you into my house, I try to further your career, - and this is how you repay me? - Hey, hey, man, I don't know what the fuck you talkin' about, but this bitch thirsty as fuck.
Whoa, you talkin' 'bout my daughter that way? [SHRIEKS] This your daughter? How was I supposed to know it was your daughter? All right, good.
Good, good, good.
Now say it again, say this, say, "Is it because I fucked your daughter?" Huh? Hmm? "Or is it because a black man fucked your daughter?" 'Cause that's the core of the scene, go ahead, say it.
Scene? The fuck you mean, "scene"? Come on, I know you haven't acted much, so I needed to get you into a raw place, so we could access those emotions.
Okay, and do it again, same energy.
So is this your daughter or not? No.
What do you think, I would pimp out my own daughter, and put her in some twisted Mandingo scenario? This is Gwen, she's playing my character's daughter.
Sorry, Floyd, but thanks for making my job so easy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, relax.
You don't want the director to feel like you wanna fuck someone else.
I mean, we're not gonna be sleeping together on this project, but you don't wanna make me feel like it's out of my reach.
As a director, I need to feel strong, sexual magnetism, and big, potent, baby-makin' balls.
Got it, sorry, boss.
Listen, Floyd, I need you to Man, fuck all y'all, man! I'm out, this shit wack! What wack? What, you don't want the part? Come on, Floyd, use your heat, tell an untold story about your people.
You don't want it? Then fuck off and die, you fuckin' ingrate.
He can pay for his own parking.
Hip hop instrumental [DOOR UNLOCKS] This is it, man.
This is the one.
- What is it? - That Teddy Snow thing.
Oh, no, I'm not doing that, that motherfucker's crazy.
He's also one of the greatest filmmakers of our time.
He's like Mel Gibson, you may not want to invite him to your boy's bar mitzvah, but he makes some pretty good fuckin' movies.
Life is short, Balls.
Except when it's long, man, and you broke, regretting the road not taken.
Read it.
Thank me later.
I can totally see you in this joint.
Hip hop instrumental [KNOCK AT DOOR] You're right, Balls, it is good.
I'm always right, motherfucker.
[LAUGHS] - And you got a visitor.
- Who? Hey, it was great to meet you, Balls, and I appreciate the kind words and thoughts, I really do.
You're welcome.
I like that kid.
There's something really special about him, I like the cut of his jib.
What the fuck you doing here? Look, I came to apologize, okay? About my somewhat unorthodox approach to auditions, okay, but I figured since we're gonna be working together, we should get to know each other a little better.
Working together, who said we'd be working together? I spoke to your dipshit agent.
I got some choices.
You've got choices? What's your other choice? A sitcom? [SNORES] Come on.
Let's get out of here, I wanna show you something, but you, uh, you gotta drive, I kind of, uh I don't have a license right now.
Come on, Floyd, man up! - [CAR DOORS CLOSE] - This is it! This is it.
This is where it happened.
X and the boys, they lived in a filthy squat - right over there.
- Oh, yeah? Used to play the Whisky a Go Go every chance they got.
And X died right there.
Right there in front of a fuckin' AMPM.
Twenty-five years old, he was beaten to death by the LAPD, can you believe that shit? Some things never change, am I right? Listen, man, it's a cool story, and I dig your script, but I'm not a fuckin' actor, man, I'm just a fuckin' comic.
Look, I saw your audition.
All right, and the raw material is there, you just need me to help you shape it.
Look, I want you in my film, man, but you're at a crossroads.
You gotta figure out what you wanna do.
You wanna do some inconsequential television crap, make some dough? Huh? You wanna do that? Or wouldn't you wanna try to do something great? Something special? A story for your own - People.
- That's right.
- Yeah, right, I get it.
- That's right.
Come on.
Huh? Let's go out, you and me, we go out, let's, uh Let's get polluted.
- [LAUGHS] - You and me, come on.
Let's go get some tattoos, let's get wacky, you and me, let's get crazy.
Come on, give me the keys, I wanna drive this puppy.
Come on, man, you're fuckin' drunk.
- I'm not fuckin' drunk.
- I smell it on you, dude.
Ah, what, I had a few too many, I'm not too drunk to drive, give me my keys, man.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, you wanna fuck around? [LAUGHS] I fuckin' jumped you now, you fuck [FLOYD] Hey, man, what's wrong with you? - [POLICE SIRENS WAIL] - [FLOYD] Let go of me, man! How does that feel, you prick?! What's wrong with you, man? What's the problem? This asshole won't give me my keys back.
What are you, five? Give the guy his keys.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, why you so sure that they're his keys? 'Cause he's white? No, it's more because you look like a punk.
A punk who was just saying how much he hates LAPD.
Oh, interesting, look who's being prejudiced now.
Hey, it's not true, all right? This is just some weird, method acting game that he's doing right now.
That's all it is.
Yeah, because I want you to know what it's like to live in fear of these motherfuckers, man.
I know what it's like to live in fear of these motherfuckers, I'm black, motherfucker! No offense, Officer.
You're apologizing to this fuckin' pig, man? He killed one of your own, right there, man! Hey, look, Officer, uh G-Gustan, this is just a misunderstanding.
- All right, hands behind your back.
- W-Wait, I didn't do nothing! Wait, for what? For what? Ah, shit, man! He didn't fuckin' do anything, you fuckin' pig, man! - You want some of this, too, Hollywood? - Somebody get this on their phone! Fuck you and fuck your racist fuckin' pig brethren, man! Black Lives Matter, man! Attica! Attica! Attica! Give me an excuse, motherfucker, give me an excuse! [FLOYD WRITHING IN PAIN] Cut.
Tommy, that was great.
Excellent, excellent work.
Listen, next time, don't get the cuffs on him fully so he can really, you know, rage against the machine, but that was great.
I want you to take an emotional snapshot of what just happened, 'cause that was beautiful.
We're gonna run it back one more time.
You got one more in you? - [TOMMY] You bet.
- Wait a minute.
This was just another one of your fuckin' games? This ain't a game, man, this is a master class, man.
Acting is just life shot through a prism, with all the boring shit cut out, man! Fuck! That's it! That's it, that was beautiful, that's the character, Floyd, you've got it, man! - You're crazy.
- What's the matter? We're gonna go again.
You got another one in you? That was fantastic, Floyd! You got it, man, you're a fuckin' star! Hip hop instrumental All right, I'm here.
Put your face on.
Don't wanna go scare the poor guy off.
What happened at the J Spot? Wasn't feelin' it.
Had a weird night, I guess I was overcome with the urge to do something a little more apologetic, maybe.
And? I'm sorry, Sadie.
Sorry for all that male bravado bullshit.
Sorry for not respecting your right to sample new penises, as much as it makes me wanna throw the fuck up.
Thank you.
Or should I be thanking Balls? Hey, Dr.
Balls to you.
Motherfucker missed his calling, he should've been a therapist.
You know what, I'm sorry, too.
I should have thought of a better way to talk to you about this stuff.
There's never a right way.
No, but we can't keep falling into bed with each other when we're lonely.
It's confusing for Trevor, it's not healthy for us.
Speak for yourself, woman.
Floyd, come on, everything you ever wanted is starting to happen for you, you should enjoy the ride, don't try to complicate things.
Okay, but what if all this shit is an illusion? What if while I'm out here, chasing some dream, I miss out on the best thing that's ever happened to me? What if all I want is you? [LAUGHS] I mean, I don't know why the hell you're so worried, who's gonna want some busted single mom anyway? Hey, ain't a damn thing busted about you, woman.
You're hot.
And I love me some single moms, that's my favorite variety of ladyness.
I'm fucked, Floyd.
No one's ever gonna be sweeter.
Mm-hmm, talk about it.
No one's ever gonna be funnier.
[LAUGHS] Obviously.
What do you say if I'm still single when we're 60, wanna get married? - Sixty? - Yeah.
I gotta wait till I'm 60 to get back in there? - It's the new 40! - Uh-uh.
Not for vaginas, 60 is not 40 for a vagina, 60 is 60.
That's a 60-year-old pussy we talkin' about, and that 60-year-old pussy will have seen a lot of shady dick, so no thank you to your shitty consolation prize.
I can not believe you're talking trash about my aging lady.
What about your tired old junk, huh? - What about it? - What's that gonna look like? It's gonna be pretty as a motherfucker.
And if I get older, it might stretch out a little more, too.
- Oh, my God.
- Extra 5 inches.
- That's 14.
- [LAUGHS] You know I'm gonna keep trying, right? R&B instrumental [DOORBELL RINGS] [KNOCK AT DOOR] I-I should Yeah, you should.
You're a good man, Floyd Mooney.
If you love me like you say You do Why do I feel so blue? I just need someone If you love me like you say