White Famous (2017) s01e07 Episode Script
Duality
1 [FLOYD.]
Ay, sit down.
Here's what's been happening on White Famous.
They shut us down.
They pulled the plug.
- Peter? - He thinks that Robbie is the fucking star.
And Gwen He's putting 'em into some interracial Mad About You reboot.
Fuck you doing here, Malcolm? Well, until we land somewhere, I need a place to work.
- I ain't got a office anymore.
- I don't have a crush on you.
I actually just started seeing somebody.
I'm truly here just to tell you I'm sorry.
This must be Trevor.
Maybe y'all should go out, you know, break bread together.
[WHISPERING.]
I'm not gonna let him replace you, no matter how cool he is.
There's a part, and I think it could be a much better showcase for your talent.
Read the script.
I thought about it, and I think it's a [MALCOLM.]
It's a brilliant idea.
- Man, get up.
- What? - Get up! - What? Boy, get up, because I'm so lit right now Okay, okay, okay, ugh I'm so lit right now Your life is so borin', ay Why y'all sleepin' on me I can hear you snorin', ugh I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that Surprise, little man! Wow.
Thanks, Dad.
What's with that face? Lookin' at me like I just brought you a Cosby sweater.
It's just I already have one.
Oh, your mama finally came through, huh? Not my mom, exactly.
If not your mama, then who? - No.
- Yeah.
Hell no.
You mean to tell me he's buying you gifts now too? He's bribing you? Mm-hmm.
- And it's working.
- What am I supposed to do, say no? It was an awesome gift.
- Where your mama at? - Practicing for a show.
Cool.
Well, you go ahead, play your game.
- I'ma go ahead and take this one back.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Don't take that back.
I can sell this to one of my friends.
Oh, no, you will not.
You ain't profiting off my fatherly generosity.
I'd rather have Balls play around with this thing.
He was eyeing it like a Thanksgiving turkey.
Just so you know, I appreciate Robbie's gift-giving, but I still don't think he's legit.
- I think he's trying too hard.
- Oh, I know he's trying too hard.
Hey, both of you, cut it out.
Poor guy's not even here to defend himself.
- [BOTH.]
Oh, the poor guy.
- [SADIE.]
Ugh.
What type of shop you running here, woman? [SADIE.]
What is that supposed to mean? It means I don't want the it means I don't want the Duke of fucking Earl trying to bribe my kid.
Well, I'm sorry to break it to you, Floyd, but they actually get along really well.
It's sweet.
How many times have y'all hung out? I don't know, a few.
- A few? - Yeah.
You think that's appropriate? Isn't that a little fast? You're the one who encouraged us to go out in the first place.
Hey, I was confused and overwhelmed at the time.
Only thing I suggested is that y'all go out and break some bread.
I didn't know you was gonna move in with him.
Okay, you're acting hysterical, Floyd, and weirdly possessive.
Maybe I am, but I just didn't expect things to accelerate so quickly.
What happened to taking things slow? - Why you rushin'? - Nobody's rushing.
He just got him a little present.
- It's not a big deal.
- It's a big deal to me.
Oh, my God, I am so tired of your petty jealousy, Floyd.
I know you think it's cute, or maybe you're just workshopping your material, but you're wearing me the fuck out.
Are you coming to my showcase tonight? Since when have I missed one of your things? - Plenty of times.
- Oh, maybe when I was on the road, taking care of business, 'cause that's what I do, Sadie.
- Oh, my God.
- TCB.
Are you finished, or would you like to continue the run and pat yourself on your long-suffering back? Nah, I'm good.
But you know how much I love hearing you sing and watch you do your thing.
Shit make me harder than a corpse in the winter.
That's nice, Floyd.
Don't you have that thing to go to? - What? - Yeah.
- Word? - Mm-hmm.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Break a leg.
Fool.
Look, man, I'm your best friend in the whole wide world.
If you don't put a ring on that bitch's finger, then you're stupid.
Beat! Because I might just do it.
[MECHANICAL HUMMING.]
[FLOYD.]
Mind if I get in on this? [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
That was beautiful, guys.
You see? My instincts were right on this.
What a great cast.
Young oh, fresh.
[PETER.]
So fresh.
[PETER.]
And funny.
Most importantly: diverse, yes? Now, this is woke Better! This is woke without giving the impression of trying for woke ness.
I mean, this is like [SIGHS.]
comfort food for the soul.
No! Soul food for the soul.
See what I did there? Everyone get out.
Go, go, go.
Oh, except Floyd.
Just wanna have a little, uh, chitchat with my man, my-my brother from a Nubian mother.
All right, it's not working.
But it's fine.
Listen, Floyd.
I, uh - I wanna thank you.
- For? Whatever you did to Amy, however you did it, you you have reinvigorated our marriage, - and I thank you.
- Oh, shit.
- Here we go.
- You know, it's like your penis is a I don't know, some kind of erotic time machine that's just swept Amy back to how she was when she met me, and I've She was a hellcat back then, I'm telling you Just a real sexy little f-fuck doll.
I mean, s-so dirty.
So thank you.
It is a it's a joy to have her back in my bed.
Happy to be of service.
Not even remotely offended.
- Are we done here? - Yeah, sure.
A-are you gonna talk to Malcolm? Ah, yes, um moment of complete honesty? [SIGHS.]
Moment of complete honesty.
You're gonna have to read for the producer.
Wait, what? No, man you're the boss man.
- I thought you told me - Yes, yes, I know, and, uh I like what I said.
I just can't go around having opinions all over the place.
Wouldn't make for a very happy work environment, would it? But don't worry.
If he doesn't engage, I'll just, uh, you know, ram it through.
- So do I have the job or not? - Well, in my experience, the outcome of any important meeting's usually been decided long before anyone sets foot in the room, so I don't know.
You know what, man? You're confusing me.
- I'm gonna leave before I hit you.
- Oh! Yup, yup, w-wait.
Big love, brother.
Oh! Big, big love.
[INHALES.]
I'll see you around.
- Right.
- Oh, and one more thing.
You don't have to say "beat.
" You just have to leave a beat.
And, uh, no more cursing, Floyd.
This is network shit.
Now, fuck off.
[SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
- [FLOYD.]
Hey! - [GWEN GASPS.]
Floyd, you scared the shit out of me.
What the fuck was that? - What did I just witness? - Oh, it was nothing.
- It was a dumb acting exercise.
- "A dumb acting exercise," huh? What is that, some shit you learned from Teddy? A method acting or something? - Exactly.
- Let me tell you something.
That clown is currently seeing my baby mama, and he's currently involved in my son, so if you two are currently doing some low-down, dirty fucking, I wanna know about it.
Floyd, it's complicated.
It's not that complicated, Gwen.
You're either riding his rig, or you're not.
The lines just get blurry when you work together.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Oh, I know.
Like, one day, you could be working with Peter, then the next minute, you're giving him a tug job while he's sucking on one of your titties.
- It's true! - I thought you had a boyfriend.
Didn't you say you started seeing somebody new? Wait, was it him you was talking about? - Sort of.
- Motherfucker! Oh, Floyd, come on.
Don't go off all half-cocked.
Oh, I'm not half-cocked.
I'm fully cocked! Don't you worry about it.
[SADIE.]
It's like they're telling me There's no three-chord remedy There is a song I'd like to write The one I know will save my life Three little words to make it right That's how it's got to be You gotta fuckin' tell her.
- I think that's a terrible idea.
- Of course you do, man, 'cause you thinking about how that's gonna fuck up the business.
No, Testes, I'm thinking about how it's gonna affect his relationship with Sadie, long-term.
No matter how this shakes out, he's always gonna be the one who spilled the beans and fucked up her relationship with Robbie.
And trust, she will resent you for that.
Man's got a point.
My head's all mixed up right now.
You know, part of me feels good because I knew he was a punk from the beginning, but then part of me feels bad 'cause I don't want her to feel bad.
But then I kind of do.
It's that duality of man shit, man.
[MALCOLM.]
You know, if anybody should tell her anything, it should be me, because then she'll break down in anger and sadness, and I could be there to comfort her.
Might be my only chance to get in there.
I mean, I could literally be inside her before she realizes it's a terrible idea, and then I could be a substitute for you and Robbie, and her and I will always have that dirty moment in time Wrapped in sadness and anger.
I'm liking this.
I'm gonna tell her.
You're not telling anybody anything, motherfucker.
I'm sorry.
I got excited.
[CHUCKLES.]
I was manifesting.
Stop manifesting, you fuckin' camel jockey.
Look, man, you got a snake in your fuckin' garden, all right? You gotta cut the motherfucker's head off before he does any more damage.
And you got your boy to think about.
You can't let this motherfucker disrespect his mama.
You're right, Balls, but it can't be tonight and it can't come from me.
I don't wanna fuck with her headspace.
Ah, shit facts.
[INHALES.]
I am so excited for this gig.
[LAUGHS.]
I wonder what she's gonna wear.
Ay, can you get her to send a pic? 'Cause I'm really trying to match with her.
I think it's her legs that get me so juiced up, but what is it for you, Floyd? I can't believe we've never talked about this.
What? Is it so wrong to be open and honest about her beauty and how it makes me feel? Because I think it would be weird to hold it in.
That's how you get cancer.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Huh? Oh, if it ain't Agent Double-Oh-Zero himself.
[FLOYD.]
Thanks for coming, Robbie.
- Thanks for inviting me.
- [FLOYD.]
Mm.
We're not gonna wrestle, are we? I'm not making any promises, motherfucker.
Fair enough.
Understood.
I always knew you were a fuckin' punk, Robbie.
[BALLS.]
Yeah, you lucky I'm a gentle giant, 'cause it'd sure be nice to hang your ass over that balcony, Suge-style.
Yeah, or run you over, Suge-style.
Relax, you two.
Let me talk to this fool.
- I'm listening.
- Look, things got complicated.
As-as I'm sure you know, Gwen is a very intense actress Very physical.
And I think I was overwhelmed a little by everything that's been happening Sadie, Teddy [INHALES DEEPLY.]
the pilot, the new pilot, and meeting Trevor.
I got confused.
So your confusion caused you to stick your dick in another woman, hmm? Well, that's technically what happened, yes - unfortunately.
- Look, man.
I'm the last one to judge anybody on this shit.
And I know the treachery that new pussy can cause.
But my son is involved in this shit, and you can't go disrespecting his mom.
Agreed, 100 percent.
- And he's a great kid.
- He is a great kid.
That's why you gotta tell her, or I'm gonna tell her.
And it's gonna sound way better coming from you.
Okay.
O-okay.
Tell her I shall, but not tonight.
Obviously.
And you know what's even more fucked up? This shit.
You went and bought Trevor an Xbox? Yes, and-and he loved it.
Yeah, that's dad shit.
Oh, o-okay.
[STAMMERING.]
Understood.
I'm-I'm sorry.
It was a gift from the network and I'm not a big video game guy, so - Wait a minute.
- I thought he'd like it.
Are you telling me that you regifting now? You pawning off freebies on my boy? You can't do no better than that? [SCOFFS.]
Man, get the fuck out of here.
You greasy, light-skinned, green-eyed, Siamese-cat-looking motherfucker.
- Get the fuck outta here.
- Okay.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[BALLS LAUGHS.]
All right, so you ain't - gonna say shit.
- [FLOYD.]
Nah, dog.
'Cause it ain't about me tonight, you know? - All right, man.
- It's-it's her event.
I mean, like, I don't I don't want nothin' to I don't want shit to pop off.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
- [BALLS.]
Ay! [LAUGHS.]
- [SADIE.]
Hey! - [BALLS.]
Yeah.
- [SADIE.]
Thank you for coming.
Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, God! Hi.
Hey, is there a bathroom around here? I got a priority mail delivery that needs dealing with.
Yeah.
It's that way.
- All right.
Handle this - Good luck with that.
Um, did you see Robbie out there? - [SCOFFS.]
No.
- Getting kind of late, and he's backing me up on keys.
- He's a musician too? - Yeah, he's super talented.
But he's gotta have, like, a small dick, right? Like, something's gotta give.
Yeah, I don't think you want me to answer that.
Nah, I don't.
I'm good.
- No, you don't.
- Mm-mm.
Um, so how did it go today? Because I haven't heard from him.
It was okay.
It was fine.
Weird, as usual.
You know, who knows how those things shake out? Yeah.
[INHALES.]
It's really getting late.
You think maybe he's not the great guy that you think he is? Come on, Floyd.
Why would you say that? Listen, I know you're jealous - I'm not jealous.
- You are jealous.
But it's perfectly natural, given the circumstances.
You have to know, he's a wonderful guy, act - Sadie, I need - [SADIE.]
Kali! Hi! - [KALI.]
Hi.
- [SADIE.]
Thank you for coming.
- Of course.
- [SADIE.]
Oh, my God.
Floyd, this is Kali.
We've been writing together on her new album.
This is Trevor's dad, Floyd.
Uh, yeah, I know who Trevor's dad, Floyd, is.
Oh, you do, do you? So, uh, Sadie's been talking about me, huh? [KALI.]
Uh, no.
But I saw you down at the J-Spot, and-and your impressions are fucking funny as shit, like Obama going down on Michelle? - [FLOYD.]
That's your shit? - [KALI.]
That's my shit.
[AS BARACK OBAMA.]
Oh, well, Michelle pineapples.
That's all I gotta say.
Sasha and Malia went to bed.
- [KALI LAUGHS.]
- Joe Biden's in his cage.
I believe it's time to, uh, roll down the dad jeans and get to the task at hand.
Thank you! [AS TRACY MORGAN.]
Or Tracy Morgan.
You get a baby.
You get a baby.
Everybody gets a baby in this motherfucker.
She used to love that way back in the day.
Yeah, back in the day, like in the dark ages.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
Oh, there he is.
- He's a good-looking guy.
- [QUIETLY.]
Yeah.
Show 'em what you're working with You hate him, don't you? I can't stand that nigga.
Can you hate him like Denzel? [AS DENZEL WASHINGTON.]
[SCOFFS.]
Okay.
I can't stand that motherfucker, huh? I hate him, hmm? And we ain't talking about your normal garden variety of hate.
We're talking about hate of biblical proportions.
Huh? The plagues on Pharaoh That's what the fuck - I feel about that nigga.
- Mm.
- That's what I feel, huh? - [LAUGHS.]
[FUNKY R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
So what the fuck was that about? You don't even know who I am, do you? Yeah, I do.
You're Kali.
I just met you.
Right over there.
But you don't know what I do.
I mean, you hang out with Sadie, so, what, you a musician or - What you what you sing? - [LAUGHS.]
- [FLOYD.]
What? Hey, Balls, what's up, man? - This is, uh, Kali.
- [LAUGHING.]
Ah, shit, man.
Huge fan.
Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Your voice? Your voice speaks to my soul.
- Aww.
- Relax, Balls.
I don't need you stroking out all over the lady, all right? 'Cause your big ass can take her out like a wrecking ball.
No, that was very sweet of you, Balls.
Thank you.
You know, I don't think your friend here knows a damn thing about me.
Aw, he don't know shit.
Yo, she won the reality show Pipes, and her first record was huge.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not really a reality TV buff, and I don't really listen - to pop music.
- [KALI.]
Hmm.
Hey, man, it's not pop like you thinking, man.
It's smart pop.
Shit's soulful pop, man.
Deep-ass lyrical shit.
Hey, yo, remember the time you caught me crying? - Yeah.
- And you asked me what I was listening to that reduced me to tears? - Uh-huh.
- It was Miss Kali, yo.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're the woman responsible for making Balls blubber? You know what? It's lovely to meet you, Miss Kali.
[LAUGHS.]
Nice to meet you too.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, me too.
Ay, when's that new album gonna drop? I am actually working on it right now.
I've been doing some writing.
That's how I met Sadie.
- Oh, word? - [KALI.]
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Okay, you guys see that guy over there? The douchey one? So he's, like, an agent somewhere.
Tried to sign me once.
And when I said no, he started sending me dick pics.
- Yup, that's my agent.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, me fuckin' too.
Ay, there he is.
- 'Sup, my guy? - What's going on? Kali, hey, it's so good to see I have to go the little girls' room.
We worked together a while back, and-and she got weird, so I had to let her down easy.
So, you know whew.
Why, what'd she say? Man, I ain't got no shame.
I think it's fuckin' pretty.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[BALLAD PLAYING ON PIANO.]
Strings on my guitar Hold my lonely heart It's like they're telling me There's no three-chord remedy That's the song I'd like to write The one I know will save my life Three little words to make it right That's how it has to be You and love and me It's an honest melody It's one inside of me Man, she's so good.
I'm falling in love with her all over again.
But, like, deeper this time.
I'm maturing.
I loved how she seemed to write about you and him in the same song.
So deep.
Profound.
To make it right That's how it has to be You and love and me You and love and me - Thanks so much.
It was great.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Appreciate it.
That was amazing, woman.
- Aw, thank you.
- Great stuff.
Yeah, I-I know it must be difficult for you to hear that stuff sometimes.
Yeah, well, you gotta talk about what you know, right? - It's all I got.
- [CHUCKLES.]
So you and Kali seem to be getting along famously.
Oh, yeah, she a cool chick.
Yeah.
Had no idea she was somebody.
Oh, she's somebody.
If I could get a song on her album, that'd be really good for me.
Hey, fingers crossed.
Yeah.
So, you know, if you don't mind, maybe don't go there Just if the opportunity presents itself.
- How you mean? - I'm just thinking big picture.
If she and I start working together and then you get involved, it could get weird.
You know what I mean.
I know exactly what you mean.
Kind of funny how you don't mind getting involved with somebody that I'm working with.
- That's different.
- Not really.
Robbie and I were already dating.
I mean, the lead-up might be different, but it's still just you thinking about you.
I'm sorry, how were you not thinking about you when you fucked that lady agent, Floyd? That had nothing to do with This is just your pretzel logic, Sadie.
- I don't wanna fight about this here.
- You started it Tried to put Baby in a corner.
You know what, Floyd? Forget it.
Do your thing.
I'm sorry I asked.
- Hey, Sadie.
- Forget it.
Sadie.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Hey, bro-bro.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Tomorrow, you feel me? I want this poisonous shit out of my brain.
I don't think I can do it, Floyd.
Wanna try and explain to me what you mean by that? - Because you better.
- Floyd, look.
I fucked up.
I made a huge mistake.
But being up there with her, that was real.
- That was magic.
- [SIGHS.]
The thing with Gwen was stupidity and bad for my career, and it's over, effective immediately.
Look, I don't trust your ass, and it's not my job to trust your ass.
Just do the right thing so I can stop carrying - this shit around with me.
- I can't do that.
I can't intentionally implode what might be the best relationship - of my life.
- So I gotta do it? That's what you telling me? I don't see why you have to do anything.
Why can't you just let it be? I'm not keeping your fucking secrets.
- I don't even like you.
- Well, that's a shame.
Because I like you, Floyd.
I-I-I think you're immensely talented, and I'm glad we have the opportunity to work together again.
Don't fuckin' butter me up, man.
I see what you're doing.
Floyd, listen.
I know this is hard for you.
And-and-and I'm sorry things did not work out for you and Sadie back then, but I'm in love with her now, and I-I-I You're in love with her right now, but I just saw you making out with somebody else? Didn't you do that, once upon a time? Didn't you didn't you love her but fuck someone else? Motherfucker, who the fuck you think you are right now? Bringing up my personal shit.
You don't know shit about me, partner.
I only know what she's told me.
Listen, you tell her, or I'ma tell her.
It's as simple as that.
Then do it, Floyd.
But I'm not gonna stand here and let you be my personal conscience when you're just as guilty as I am of questionable - [PATRONS GASP.]
- How about that? Beyoncé-face-havin'-ass bitch.
- You outta here, man.
- Get off me, man.
- You outta here, man.
- [SADIE.]
Get out.
What? Ay, ay, Sadie, I'm s I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[SADIE.]
Sorry? Sorry doesn't mean anything anymore.
You couldn't be an adult - for one night for me? - Listen.
Sadie, there's some things that you don't understand.
There's a lot I don't understand, Floyd, and it's mostly about you.
- [BALLS.]
I got him.
- Leave.
[BALLS.]
Ay, I got him.
I got him.
We outta here.
We outta here.
[FLOYD.]
Fuck you, Papa Doc.
[PATRONS MURMURING INDISTINCTLY.]
Yeah, man, you kicked that fuckin' high yellow motherfucker in the ass.
Then why am I the one who feel like I got clocked, Balls? - Hey, where are you guys going? - [FLOYD EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- You don't say bye? - I'm so sor It was nice to meet you, pop star.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh, okay.
- Yo, it was, like, really nice to meet you.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
That was, uh, some crazy drama back in there.
There's always drama with the baby mama.
Oh, that sounds heavy.
Poor thing.
- Do you guys wanna get some drinks? - Yeah, man.
Let's drink.
- Come on.
- Let's get some drinks.
- Ay, ay.
- Drink away the sorrows.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
You know we would've taken you anywhere, right? [EXHALES, LAUGHS.]
I know.
Sometimes I just kinda wanna be somewhere real.
These last few months have been, like, a blur of hotel rooms and concert venues and backstage and restaurants and TV shows and selfies and ugh.
[SCOFFS.]
Oh, you poor girl.
- [KALI.]
Ha-ha.
- Miss Kali, I could do this for the rest of my life, but I gotta get up at four in the morning.
- Why? - I gotta deliver the mail.
Shit's what I do.
You do what you do.
I do what I do.
Well, this is not good-bye, Balls.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
- [BALLS LAUGHS.]
- I will see you again.
You're too awesome.
Oh, lady, you gonna make my fat-ass heart explode.
Oh.
Good night, man.
Ay, y'all two behave yourselves out here.
[LAUGHS.]
Aww, he's awesome.
You guys are awesome.
- Yup, we cool.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Mm you know [EXHALES.]
sometimes I will go days without seeing any black people.
It's weird.
It's like the crowd slowly changes, and the next thing you know, it's like a sea of all white faces.
You ever feel like you're selling out? Nah.
Fuck that.
[INHALES.]
When I was a kid [EXHALES.]
I said that I wanted to sing for people.
- Mm.
- Not just one group.
- And what about you? - [LAUGHS.]
I mean, don't you wanna make everyone laugh, not just people at the comedy clubs? Yup, I do, but I just don't like the shit you gotta deal with along the way, you know? - Yeah, facts.
- Mm.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, it feels so good to be able to talk to somebody else about this, you know? What about Sadie? [INHALES.]
We're on two different paths.
There's just so much stuff between us.
Don't you ever just wanna be done with the stuff? Have something new? Real? Yeah, but I love her.
Hmm.
Well, I guess we all have that someone somewhere.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Yeah.
Shit I got a pretty good first album out of my guy.
Yeah, you're damn right you did.
Turned Balls into a big fuckin' puddle of tears.
- [LAUGHS.]
- He was crying like a 14-year-old fat girl.
[LAUGHS.]
Do somebody else.
Do someone.
Let me see.
Hmm.
Let's see who we have - in the arsenal here.
- Okay.
[WITH JAMAICAN ACCENT.]
Let me tell you something, you know.
Now, I might be dead, but, you know, I be watching how these young boys be slinging the dick.
And let me tell you something, they don't know how to do it, you know? Now, if I was alive, you know, I would do the thing called "the spiritual dick.
" You know what that mean? That mean I fuck your ass so hard that you die.
How about that shit, you know? - [LAUGHS.]
- I don't give a fuck! [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHING.]
All right, do someone else! - All right, cool.
[AS BARACK OBAMA.]
Well, I do believe that Sasha and Malia have gone to bed.
So it's time to slip down the dad jeans and get to the task at hand.
Now, uh, we live in great times of uncertainty.
But I do believe that liberty is indeed moving up-up-up-up-up, up your thighs to the Oval Orifice, where the little first lady is waiting on a boat.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Come here.
Mm.
[ SENSUAL MUSIC.]
Okay.
Oh, shit, now.
Oh, anywhere you wanna go, go, go, go - Nothing is impossible, oh - Nothing is impossible Baby, you just let me know, know, know, know - Nothing is impossible, oh - Nothing is impossible I'll take you there, I'll take you there - I'll take you there - Oh, yeah, yeah - Nothing is impossible - Anytime I'll take you there, I'll take you there Anywhere, anywhere, anywhere Anywhere you wanna go I'm tellin' you it's not a problem Baby, you just let me know Anywhere you ever thought of You say you ain't been around the world It's time to show you how it's done I built this empire for two I'm thinkin' you might be the one Anywhere you wanna go, go, go, go - Nothing is impossible, oh - Nothing is impossible Baby, you just let me know, know, know, know - Nothing is impossible, oh - Nothing is impossible [DOG GROWLS.]
Ay, sit down.
Here's what's been happening on White Famous.
They shut us down.
They pulled the plug.
- Peter? - He thinks that Robbie is the fucking star.
And Gwen He's putting 'em into some interracial Mad About You reboot.
Fuck you doing here, Malcolm? Well, until we land somewhere, I need a place to work.
- I ain't got a office anymore.
- I don't have a crush on you.
I actually just started seeing somebody.
I'm truly here just to tell you I'm sorry.
This must be Trevor.
Maybe y'all should go out, you know, break bread together.
[WHISPERING.]
I'm not gonna let him replace you, no matter how cool he is.
There's a part, and I think it could be a much better showcase for your talent.
Read the script.
I thought about it, and I think it's a [MALCOLM.]
It's a brilliant idea.
- Man, get up.
- What? - Get up! - What? Boy, get up, because I'm so lit right now Okay, okay, okay, ugh I'm so lit right now Your life is so borin', ay Why y'all sleepin' on me I can hear you snorin', ugh I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that Surprise, little man! Wow.
Thanks, Dad.
What's with that face? Lookin' at me like I just brought you a Cosby sweater.
It's just I already have one.
Oh, your mama finally came through, huh? Not my mom, exactly.
If not your mama, then who? - No.
- Yeah.
Hell no.
You mean to tell me he's buying you gifts now too? He's bribing you? Mm-hmm.
- And it's working.
- What am I supposed to do, say no? It was an awesome gift.
- Where your mama at? - Practicing for a show.
Cool.
Well, you go ahead, play your game.
- I'ma go ahead and take this one back.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Don't take that back.
I can sell this to one of my friends.
Oh, no, you will not.
You ain't profiting off my fatherly generosity.
I'd rather have Balls play around with this thing.
He was eyeing it like a Thanksgiving turkey.
Just so you know, I appreciate Robbie's gift-giving, but I still don't think he's legit.
- I think he's trying too hard.
- Oh, I know he's trying too hard.
Hey, both of you, cut it out.
Poor guy's not even here to defend himself.
- [BOTH.]
Oh, the poor guy.
- [SADIE.]
Ugh.
What type of shop you running here, woman? [SADIE.]
What is that supposed to mean? It means I don't want the it means I don't want the Duke of fucking Earl trying to bribe my kid.
Well, I'm sorry to break it to you, Floyd, but they actually get along really well.
It's sweet.
How many times have y'all hung out? I don't know, a few.
- A few? - Yeah.
You think that's appropriate? Isn't that a little fast? You're the one who encouraged us to go out in the first place.
Hey, I was confused and overwhelmed at the time.
Only thing I suggested is that y'all go out and break some bread.
I didn't know you was gonna move in with him.
Okay, you're acting hysterical, Floyd, and weirdly possessive.
Maybe I am, but I just didn't expect things to accelerate so quickly.
What happened to taking things slow? - Why you rushin'? - Nobody's rushing.
He just got him a little present.
- It's not a big deal.
- It's a big deal to me.
Oh, my God, I am so tired of your petty jealousy, Floyd.
I know you think it's cute, or maybe you're just workshopping your material, but you're wearing me the fuck out.
Are you coming to my showcase tonight? Since when have I missed one of your things? - Plenty of times.
- Oh, maybe when I was on the road, taking care of business, 'cause that's what I do, Sadie.
- Oh, my God.
- TCB.
Are you finished, or would you like to continue the run and pat yourself on your long-suffering back? Nah, I'm good.
But you know how much I love hearing you sing and watch you do your thing.
Shit make me harder than a corpse in the winter.
That's nice, Floyd.
Don't you have that thing to go to? - What? - Yeah.
- Word? - Mm-hmm.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Break a leg.
Fool.
Look, man, I'm your best friend in the whole wide world.
If you don't put a ring on that bitch's finger, then you're stupid.
Beat! Because I might just do it.
[MECHANICAL HUMMING.]
[FLOYD.]
Mind if I get in on this? [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
That was beautiful, guys.
You see? My instincts were right on this.
What a great cast.
Young oh, fresh.
[PETER.]
So fresh.
[PETER.]
And funny.
Most importantly: diverse, yes? Now, this is woke Better! This is woke without giving the impression of trying for woke ness.
I mean, this is like [SIGHS.]
comfort food for the soul.
No! Soul food for the soul.
See what I did there? Everyone get out.
Go, go, go.
Oh, except Floyd.
Just wanna have a little, uh, chitchat with my man, my-my brother from a Nubian mother.
All right, it's not working.
But it's fine.
Listen, Floyd.
I, uh - I wanna thank you.
- For? Whatever you did to Amy, however you did it, you you have reinvigorated our marriage, - and I thank you.
- Oh, shit.
- Here we go.
- You know, it's like your penis is a I don't know, some kind of erotic time machine that's just swept Amy back to how she was when she met me, and I've She was a hellcat back then, I'm telling you Just a real sexy little f-fuck doll.
I mean, s-so dirty.
So thank you.
It is a it's a joy to have her back in my bed.
Happy to be of service.
Not even remotely offended.
- Are we done here? - Yeah, sure.
A-are you gonna talk to Malcolm? Ah, yes, um moment of complete honesty? [SIGHS.]
Moment of complete honesty.
You're gonna have to read for the producer.
Wait, what? No, man you're the boss man.
- I thought you told me - Yes, yes, I know, and, uh I like what I said.
I just can't go around having opinions all over the place.
Wouldn't make for a very happy work environment, would it? But don't worry.
If he doesn't engage, I'll just, uh, you know, ram it through.
- So do I have the job or not? - Well, in my experience, the outcome of any important meeting's usually been decided long before anyone sets foot in the room, so I don't know.
You know what, man? You're confusing me.
- I'm gonna leave before I hit you.
- Oh! Yup, yup, w-wait.
Big love, brother.
Oh! Big, big love.
[INHALES.]
I'll see you around.
- Right.
- Oh, and one more thing.
You don't have to say "beat.
" You just have to leave a beat.
And, uh, no more cursing, Floyd.
This is network shit.
Now, fuck off.
[SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
- [FLOYD.]
Hey! - [GWEN GASPS.]
Floyd, you scared the shit out of me.
What the fuck was that? - What did I just witness? - Oh, it was nothing.
- It was a dumb acting exercise.
- "A dumb acting exercise," huh? What is that, some shit you learned from Teddy? A method acting or something? - Exactly.
- Let me tell you something.
That clown is currently seeing my baby mama, and he's currently involved in my son, so if you two are currently doing some low-down, dirty fucking, I wanna know about it.
Floyd, it's complicated.
It's not that complicated, Gwen.
You're either riding his rig, or you're not.
The lines just get blurry when you work together.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Oh, I know.
Like, one day, you could be working with Peter, then the next minute, you're giving him a tug job while he's sucking on one of your titties.
- It's true! - I thought you had a boyfriend.
Didn't you say you started seeing somebody new? Wait, was it him you was talking about? - Sort of.
- Motherfucker! Oh, Floyd, come on.
Don't go off all half-cocked.
Oh, I'm not half-cocked.
I'm fully cocked! Don't you worry about it.
[SADIE.]
It's like they're telling me There's no three-chord remedy There is a song I'd like to write The one I know will save my life Three little words to make it right That's how it's got to be You gotta fuckin' tell her.
- I think that's a terrible idea.
- Of course you do, man, 'cause you thinking about how that's gonna fuck up the business.
No, Testes, I'm thinking about how it's gonna affect his relationship with Sadie, long-term.
No matter how this shakes out, he's always gonna be the one who spilled the beans and fucked up her relationship with Robbie.
And trust, she will resent you for that.
Man's got a point.
My head's all mixed up right now.
You know, part of me feels good because I knew he was a punk from the beginning, but then part of me feels bad 'cause I don't want her to feel bad.
But then I kind of do.
It's that duality of man shit, man.
[MALCOLM.]
You know, if anybody should tell her anything, it should be me, because then she'll break down in anger and sadness, and I could be there to comfort her.
Might be my only chance to get in there.
I mean, I could literally be inside her before she realizes it's a terrible idea, and then I could be a substitute for you and Robbie, and her and I will always have that dirty moment in time Wrapped in sadness and anger.
I'm liking this.
I'm gonna tell her.
You're not telling anybody anything, motherfucker.
I'm sorry.
I got excited.
[CHUCKLES.]
I was manifesting.
Stop manifesting, you fuckin' camel jockey.
Look, man, you got a snake in your fuckin' garden, all right? You gotta cut the motherfucker's head off before he does any more damage.
And you got your boy to think about.
You can't let this motherfucker disrespect his mama.
You're right, Balls, but it can't be tonight and it can't come from me.
I don't wanna fuck with her headspace.
Ah, shit facts.
[INHALES.]
I am so excited for this gig.
[LAUGHS.]
I wonder what she's gonna wear.
Ay, can you get her to send a pic? 'Cause I'm really trying to match with her.
I think it's her legs that get me so juiced up, but what is it for you, Floyd? I can't believe we've never talked about this.
What? Is it so wrong to be open and honest about her beauty and how it makes me feel? Because I think it would be weird to hold it in.
That's how you get cancer.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Huh? Oh, if it ain't Agent Double-Oh-Zero himself.
[FLOYD.]
Thanks for coming, Robbie.
- Thanks for inviting me.
- [FLOYD.]
Mm.
We're not gonna wrestle, are we? I'm not making any promises, motherfucker.
Fair enough.
Understood.
I always knew you were a fuckin' punk, Robbie.
[BALLS.]
Yeah, you lucky I'm a gentle giant, 'cause it'd sure be nice to hang your ass over that balcony, Suge-style.
Yeah, or run you over, Suge-style.
Relax, you two.
Let me talk to this fool.
- I'm listening.
- Look, things got complicated.
As-as I'm sure you know, Gwen is a very intense actress Very physical.
And I think I was overwhelmed a little by everything that's been happening Sadie, Teddy [INHALES DEEPLY.]
the pilot, the new pilot, and meeting Trevor.
I got confused.
So your confusion caused you to stick your dick in another woman, hmm? Well, that's technically what happened, yes - unfortunately.
- Look, man.
I'm the last one to judge anybody on this shit.
And I know the treachery that new pussy can cause.
But my son is involved in this shit, and you can't go disrespecting his mom.
Agreed, 100 percent.
- And he's a great kid.
- He is a great kid.
That's why you gotta tell her, or I'm gonna tell her.
And it's gonna sound way better coming from you.
Okay.
O-okay.
Tell her I shall, but not tonight.
Obviously.
And you know what's even more fucked up? This shit.
You went and bought Trevor an Xbox? Yes, and-and he loved it.
Yeah, that's dad shit.
Oh, o-okay.
[STAMMERING.]
Understood.
I'm-I'm sorry.
It was a gift from the network and I'm not a big video game guy, so - Wait a minute.
- I thought he'd like it.
Are you telling me that you regifting now? You pawning off freebies on my boy? You can't do no better than that? [SCOFFS.]
Man, get the fuck out of here.
You greasy, light-skinned, green-eyed, Siamese-cat-looking motherfucker.
- Get the fuck outta here.
- Okay.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[BALLS LAUGHS.]
All right, so you ain't - gonna say shit.
- [FLOYD.]
Nah, dog.
'Cause it ain't about me tonight, you know? - All right, man.
- It's-it's her event.
I mean, like, I don't I don't want nothin' to I don't want shit to pop off.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
- [BALLS.]
Ay! [LAUGHS.]
- [SADIE.]
Hey! - [BALLS.]
Yeah.
- [SADIE.]
Thank you for coming.
Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, God! Hi.
Hey, is there a bathroom around here? I got a priority mail delivery that needs dealing with.
Yeah.
It's that way.
- All right.
Handle this - Good luck with that.
Um, did you see Robbie out there? - [SCOFFS.]
No.
- Getting kind of late, and he's backing me up on keys.
- He's a musician too? - Yeah, he's super talented.
But he's gotta have, like, a small dick, right? Like, something's gotta give.
Yeah, I don't think you want me to answer that.
Nah, I don't.
I'm good.
- No, you don't.
- Mm-mm.
Um, so how did it go today? Because I haven't heard from him.
It was okay.
It was fine.
Weird, as usual.
You know, who knows how those things shake out? Yeah.
[INHALES.]
It's really getting late.
You think maybe he's not the great guy that you think he is? Come on, Floyd.
Why would you say that? Listen, I know you're jealous - I'm not jealous.
- You are jealous.
But it's perfectly natural, given the circumstances.
You have to know, he's a wonderful guy, act - Sadie, I need - [SADIE.]
Kali! Hi! - [KALI.]
Hi.
- [SADIE.]
Thank you for coming.
- Of course.
- [SADIE.]
Oh, my God.
Floyd, this is Kali.
We've been writing together on her new album.
This is Trevor's dad, Floyd.
Uh, yeah, I know who Trevor's dad, Floyd, is.
Oh, you do, do you? So, uh, Sadie's been talking about me, huh? [KALI.]
Uh, no.
But I saw you down at the J-Spot, and-and your impressions are fucking funny as shit, like Obama going down on Michelle? - [FLOYD.]
That's your shit? - [KALI.]
That's my shit.
[AS BARACK OBAMA.]
Oh, well, Michelle pineapples.
That's all I gotta say.
Sasha and Malia went to bed.
- [KALI LAUGHS.]
- Joe Biden's in his cage.
I believe it's time to, uh, roll down the dad jeans and get to the task at hand.
Thank you! [AS TRACY MORGAN.]
Or Tracy Morgan.
You get a baby.
You get a baby.
Everybody gets a baby in this motherfucker.
She used to love that way back in the day.
Yeah, back in the day, like in the dark ages.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
Oh, there he is.
- He's a good-looking guy.
- [QUIETLY.]
Yeah.
Show 'em what you're working with You hate him, don't you? I can't stand that nigga.
Can you hate him like Denzel? [AS DENZEL WASHINGTON.]
[SCOFFS.]
Okay.
I can't stand that motherfucker, huh? I hate him, hmm? And we ain't talking about your normal garden variety of hate.
We're talking about hate of biblical proportions.
Huh? The plagues on Pharaoh That's what the fuck - I feel about that nigga.
- Mm.
- That's what I feel, huh? - [LAUGHS.]
[FUNKY R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
So what the fuck was that about? You don't even know who I am, do you? Yeah, I do.
You're Kali.
I just met you.
Right over there.
But you don't know what I do.
I mean, you hang out with Sadie, so, what, you a musician or - What you what you sing? - [LAUGHS.]
- [FLOYD.]
What? Hey, Balls, what's up, man? - This is, uh, Kali.
- [LAUGHING.]
Ah, shit, man.
Huge fan.
Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Your voice? Your voice speaks to my soul.
- Aww.
- Relax, Balls.
I don't need you stroking out all over the lady, all right? 'Cause your big ass can take her out like a wrecking ball.
No, that was very sweet of you, Balls.
Thank you.
You know, I don't think your friend here knows a damn thing about me.
Aw, he don't know shit.
Yo, she won the reality show Pipes, and her first record was huge.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not really a reality TV buff, and I don't really listen - to pop music.
- [KALI.]
Hmm.
Hey, man, it's not pop like you thinking, man.
It's smart pop.
Shit's soulful pop, man.
Deep-ass lyrical shit.
Hey, yo, remember the time you caught me crying? - Yeah.
- And you asked me what I was listening to that reduced me to tears? - Uh-huh.
- It was Miss Kali, yo.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're the woman responsible for making Balls blubber? You know what? It's lovely to meet you, Miss Kali.
[LAUGHS.]
Nice to meet you too.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, me too.
Ay, when's that new album gonna drop? I am actually working on it right now.
I've been doing some writing.
That's how I met Sadie.
- Oh, word? - [KALI.]
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Okay, you guys see that guy over there? The douchey one? So he's, like, an agent somewhere.
Tried to sign me once.
And when I said no, he started sending me dick pics.
- Yup, that's my agent.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, me fuckin' too.
Ay, there he is.
- 'Sup, my guy? - What's going on? Kali, hey, it's so good to see I have to go the little girls' room.
We worked together a while back, and-and she got weird, so I had to let her down easy.
So, you know whew.
Why, what'd she say? Man, I ain't got no shame.
I think it's fuckin' pretty.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[BALLAD PLAYING ON PIANO.]
Strings on my guitar Hold my lonely heart It's like they're telling me There's no three-chord remedy That's the song I'd like to write The one I know will save my life Three little words to make it right That's how it has to be You and love and me It's an honest melody It's one inside of me Man, she's so good.
I'm falling in love with her all over again.
But, like, deeper this time.
I'm maturing.
I loved how she seemed to write about you and him in the same song.
So deep.
Profound.
To make it right That's how it has to be You and love and me You and love and me - Thanks so much.
It was great.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Appreciate it.
That was amazing, woman.
- Aw, thank you.
- Great stuff.
Yeah, I-I know it must be difficult for you to hear that stuff sometimes.
Yeah, well, you gotta talk about what you know, right? - It's all I got.
- [CHUCKLES.]
So you and Kali seem to be getting along famously.
Oh, yeah, she a cool chick.
Yeah.
Had no idea she was somebody.
Oh, she's somebody.
If I could get a song on her album, that'd be really good for me.
Hey, fingers crossed.
Yeah.
So, you know, if you don't mind, maybe don't go there Just if the opportunity presents itself.
- How you mean? - I'm just thinking big picture.
If she and I start working together and then you get involved, it could get weird.
You know what I mean.
I know exactly what you mean.
Kind of funny how you don't mind getting involved with somebody that I'm working with.
- That's different.
- Not really.
Robbie and I were already dating.
I mean, the lead-up might be different, but it's still just you thinking about you.
I'm sorry, how were you not thinking about you when you fucked that lady agent, Floyd? That had nothing to do with This is just your pretzel logic, Sadie.
- I don't wanna fight about this here.
- You started it Tried to put Baby in a corner.
You know what, Floyd? Forget it.
Do your thing.
I'm sorry I asked.
- Hey, Sadie.
- Forget it.
Sadie.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Hey, bro-bro.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Tomorrow, you feel me? I want this poisonous shit out of my brain.
I don't think I can do it, Floyd.
Wanna try and explain to me what you mean by that? - Because you better.
- Floyd, look.
I fucked up.
I made a huge mistake.
But being up there with her, that was real.
- That was magic.
- [SIGHS.]
The thing with Gwen was stupidity and bad for my career, and it's over, effective immediately.
Look, I don't trust your ass, and it's not my job to trust your ass.
Just do the right thing so I can stop carrying - this shit around with me.
- I can't do that.
I can't intentionally implode what might be the best relationship - of my life.
- So I gotta do it? That's what you telling me? I don't see why you have to do anything.
Why can't you just let it be? I'm not keeping your fucking secrets.
- I don't even like you.
- Well, that's a shame.
Because I like you, Floyd.
I-I-I think you're immensely talented, and I'm glad we have the opportunity to work together again.
Don't fuckin' butter me up, man.
I see what you're doing.
Floyd, listen.
I know this is hard for you.
And-and-and I'm sorry things did not work out for you and Sadie back then, but I'm in love with her now, and I-I-I You're in love with her right now, but I just saw you making out with somebody else? Didn't you do that, once upon a time? Didn't you didn't you love her but fuck someone else? Motherfucker, who the fuck you think you are right now? Bringing up my personal shit.
You don't know shit about me, partner.
I only know what she's told me.
Listen, you tell her, or I'ma tell her.
It's as simple as that.
Then do it, Floyd.
But I'm not gonna stand here and let you be my personal conscience when you're just as guilty as I am of questionable - [PATRONS GASP.]
- How about that? Beyoncé-face-havin'-ass bitch.
- You outta here, man.
- Get off me, man.
- You outta here, man.
- [SADIE.]
Get out.
What? Ay, ay, Sadie, I'm s I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[SADIE.]
Sorry? Sorry doesn't mean anything anymore.
You couldn't be an adult - for one night for me? - Listen.
Sadie, there's some things that you don't understand.
There's a lot I don't understand, Floyd, and it's mostly about you.
- [BALLS.]
I got him.
- Leave.
[BALLS.]
Ay, I got him.
I got him.
We outta here.
We outta here.
[FLOYD.]
Fuck you, Papa Doc.
[PATRONS MURMURING INDISTINCTLY.]
Yeah, man, you kicked that fuckin' high yellow motherfucker in the ass.
Then why am I the one who feel like I got clocked, Balls? - Hey, where are you guys going? - [FLOYD EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- You don't say bye? - I'm so sor It was nice to meet you, pop star.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh, okay.
- Yo, it was, like, really nice to meet you.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
That was, uh, some crazy drama back in there.
There's always drama with the baby mama.
Oh, that sounds heavy.
Poor thing.
- Do you guys wanna get some drinks? - Yeah, man.
Let's drink.
- Come on.
- Let's get some drinks.
- Ay, ay.
- Drink away the sorrows.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
You know we would've taken you anywhere, right? [EXHALES, LAUGHS.]
I know.
Sometimes I just kinda wanna be somewhere real.
These last few months have been, like, a blur of hotel rooms and concert venues and backstage and restaurants and TV shows and selfies and ugh.
[SCOFFS.]
Oh, you poor girl.
- [KALI.]
Ha-ha.
- Miss Kali, I could do this for the rest of my life, but I gotta get up at four in the morning.
- Why? - I gotta deliver the mail.
Shit's what I do.
You do what you do.
I do what I do.
Well, this is not good-bye, Balls.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
- [BALLS LAUGHS.]
- I will see you again.
You're too awesome.
Oh, lady, you gonna make my fat-ass heart explode.
Oh.
Good night, man.
Ay, y'all two behave yourselves out here.
[LAUGHS.]
Aww, he's awesome.
You guys are awesome.
- Yup, we cool.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Mm you know [EXHALES.]
sometimes I will go days without seeing any black people.
It's weird.
It's like the crowd slowly changes, and the next thing you know, it's like a sea of all white faces.
You ever feel like you're selling out? Nah.
Fuck that.
[INHALES.]
When I was a kid [EXHALES.]
I said that I wanted to sing for people.
- Mm.
- Not just one group.
- And what about you? - [LAUGHS.]
I mean, don't you wanna make everyone laugh, not just people at the comedy clubs? Yup, I do, but I just don't like the shit you gotta deal with along the way, you know? - Yeah, facts.
- Mm.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, it feels so good to be able to talk to somebody else about this, you know? What about Sadie? [INHALES.]
We're on two different paths.
There's just so much stuff between us.
Don't you ever just wanna be done with the stuff? Have something new? Real? Yeah, but I love her.
Hmm.
Well, I guess we all have that someone somewhere.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Yeah.
Shit I got a pretty good first album out of my guy.
Yeah, you're damn right you did.
Turned Balls into a big fuckin' puddle of tears.
- [LAUGHS.]
- He was crying like a 14-year-old fat girl.
[LAUGHS.]
Do somebody else.
Do someone.
Let me see.
Hmm.
Let's see who we have - in the arsenal here.
- Okay.
[WITH JAMAICAN ACCENT.]
Let me tell you something, you know.
Now, I might be dead, but, you know, I be watching how these young boys be slinging the dick.
And let me tell you something, they don't know how to do it, you know? Now, if I was alive, you know, I would do the thing called "the spiritual dick.
" You know what that mean? That mean I fuck your ass so hard that you die.
How about that shit, you know? - [LAUGHS.]
- I don't give a fuck! [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHING.]
All right, do someone else! - All right, cool.
[AS BARACK OBAMA.]
Well, I do believe that Sasha and Malia have gone to bed.
So it's time to slip down the dad jeans and get to the task at hand.
Now, uh, we live in great times of uncertainty.
But I do believe that liberty is indeed moving up-up-up-up-up, up your thighs to the Oval Orifice, where the little first lady is waiting on a boat.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Come here.
Mm.
[ SENSUAL MUSIC.]
Okay.
Oh, shit, now.
Oh, anywhere you wanna go, go, go, go - Nothing is impossible, oh - Nothing is impossible Baby, you just let me know, know, know, know - Nothing is impossible, oh - Nothing is impossible I'll take you there, I'll take you there - I'll take you there - Oh, yeah, yeah - Nothing is impossible - Anytime I'll take you there, I'll take you there Anywhere, anywhere, anywhere Anywhere you wanna go I'm tellin' you it's not a problem Baby, you just let me know Anywhere you ever thought of You say you ain't been around the world It's time to show you how it's done I built this empire for two I'm thinkin' you might be the one Anywhere you wanna go, go, go, go - Nothing is impossible, oh - Nothing is impossible Baby, you just let me know, know, know, know - Nothing is impossible, oh - Nothing is impossible [DOG GROWLS.]