White Famous (2017) s01e10 Episode Script
Zero F**ks Given
1 [FLOYD.]
Hey, y'all, here's what's been happening on White Famous.
[BALLS.]
You gotta fuckin' tell her.
I think that's a terrible idea.
No matter how this shakes out, he's always gonna be be the one who spilled the beans and fucked up her relationship - with Robbie.
- Man's got a point.
As you may or may not know, there's a tape out there.
Tape? What kind of tape? [JIMMY.]
A sex tape starring Kali and featuring Floyd Mooney.
You're suddenly gonna become a whole lot more famous.
[TEDDY.]
I heard about what happened, and, I, uh, felt like you could use a friend.
So what the fuck now, Malcolm? Well, I think we work on your apology strategy.
What am I apologizing for? For making fun of iconic African-Americans within the context of a low-down, dirty sexy tape.
Jazzy musical flourish [BALLS SINGING THE SPINNERS' "SADIE".]
Don't you know we love ya Sweet Sadie Place no one above ya Sadie Living in the past If there's a Heaven up above I know you're teaching angels how to love Balls, what are you doing? Where did that voice come from? Well, do I sound good? Yeah, you sound great but, like, what are you doing here? - Sadie.
- Oh.
Sadie, Sadie, please.
Wait, Sadie, come on, Sadie Balls.
Whoo-hoo! Sadie Okay, Balls, you have to be quiet.
You have to talk to me.
Okay? Well [EXHALES.]
I'm gonna go in and check on my boy.
- You still got Fruity Pebbles? - You know I do.
- Sadie.
- What? - I'm sorry.
- What does that mean? What are you sorry for, Floyd? I'm sorry for a lot of things.
I'm sorry for shitting where you eat.
I'm sorry for embarrassing you and Trevor.
I'm sorry for disrespecting beloved African-American icons.
Did somebody write this for you? Yeah, I been kind of practicing.
You know, it's maybe.
Look, listen, I-I planned to make a formal apology Okay, Floyd, listen.
[SIGHS.]
The Kali thing I get it.
It wasn't fair of me to ask you to stay away from her if she was interested.
And I'm guessing the sex tape wasn't your fault.
Hell no, it wasn't! You did stick your dick in her, though.
I did.
Okay, could you maybe not relive it in front of me, please? - Sorry.
- Also, comedians aren't supposed to star in sex tapes, Floyd.
That's what I been saying.
I'm not even sure they're supposed to be in good shape.
I'll let myself go.
Whatever it takes.
You don't even know what you really did wrong.
Like, the absolute worst thing.
- What? - Well, you you were with a girl, and you did your little impressions and you made her laugh and then you had sex with her.
Yeah That was our thing.
[SIGHS.]
Oh.
Yeah, "oh.
" Hey [SIGHS.]
I mean, at least she's talking to you.
Yeah, true that.
It's progress.
You made me pretty popular, Dad.
- How you mean? - All these kids who don't want to talk to me suddenly want to talk to me about you and Kali.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
Don't let it go to your head, kid.
Nah, they're all punks.
And some of the black kids are mad at you because you made fun of Barack and Michelle.
And a lot of people are saying mean stuff about you online.
Think you're ever gonna work again? I mean are we gonna have to move to the ghetto? - Nah.
Not yet.
- Yet? 'Course I'm gonna work again, man.
I'm a comedian.
It's what I do.
All this acting stuff is just a distraction.
I'ma get back.
So I'ma go ahead and make this apology.
Before you know it, somebody else is gonna do something stupid, and they'll forget all about me.
But why do you have to apologize? It's just what you do these days.
But you're a comedian.
You were just being funny.
It's your job.
[SADIE.]
Hey, come on, Trev.
Let's go.
[FLOYD.]
Where y'all going? - To the movies.
- [FLOYD.]
Cool.
[TREVOR.]
With Robbie.
Okay, why are you all frowning at me? Well, if the court will allow it, we just all think a woman of your caliber deserves to be with a higher-class gentleman.
That's all.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, thanks for that.
Come on, let's go.
[SADIE.]
Come on.
Bye, guys.
Maybe you should've done the R.
Kelly version.
Maybe you should've kept your dick in your pants.
Bitch! I love you! Black Joe Lewis' "Bitch, I Love You" I don't know just why What up? I'm Floyd Mooney, and I just want to apologize for the insensitive portrayal of President Barack Obama and the sex tape with the beautiful Kali.
Peace.
What up, Grandma? That's it? Tha-that's your big fuckin' apology? What else I'm supposed to say? Well, what the fuck are you even apologizing for? - I don't fucking know.
- Okay, well, h-how do you feel about Obama? I fucking love Obama.
Man, I would never intentionally disrespect that beautiful man.
And I really fuckin' miss him right now.
Okay a-and how do you feel about Kali? I fuckin' love Kali.
I mean, she's beautiful, she's smart, she's talented.
Okay, and how do you feel about all these skinny-jean-wearing, coffee-drinking, NAACP-thumping hipsters that have been giving you a hard time? How do you feel about those fucks? Man, fuck them motherfuckers if they can't take a joke! You know, the world's upside-down, going batshit crazy.
We living in a time where people have to apologize for dumb shit every three seconds.
What if somebody had the balls to stand up and be like, "Hey, internet", fuck you! "Suck my balls through my drawls, bitch.
" [TEDDY.]
Whoa-whoa-whoa, so, uh, so you're not really sorry, are you? Man, hell no, I'm not fuckin' sorry, man.
I mean, I am sorry for embarrassing my son and his mom.
But I'm not sorry for having wild, butt-naked sex with a beautiful woman and making her laugh.
Although I am kind of sorry about that, 'cause that was me and my baby's mom's thing, and she's 1,000 times more special to me.
So that part, I would take it back if I could.
Fuck, man.
I don't want to live in a world where we have to feel shamed all the damn time.
I'm sorry for being a comedian in a sex tape.
'Cause nobody watches sex tapes for comedy.
I don't know, man, I can't figure it all out today.
I'm just trying to be real as fuck right now.
Fuck the thought police.
[TEDDY.]
And cut.
That's it, Floyd.
That was great.
That was, uh, that was perfect.
What? What you mean, "perfect," man? What do you mean, "cut"? Like, I was just riffing.
Yeah, I know, but that's what I wanted you to do.
But that seemed like a non-apology.
Shouldn't we go again? Nah-nah-nah, I think, uh, I think we got it.
We're good.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
Be serious, Teddy, okay? Look, if we're gonna do this thing, let's do it right.
- Already done, man.
- What you mean, already done? I just put that shit on Instagram.
- What? Oh! - Fuck.
[MALCOLM.]
How do you delete this, man? This was just another one of your fuckin' tricks, - wasn't it, Teddy? - Nah, I just wanted to get you riffing it off the cuff, Floyd.
What about production value? This thing wasn't even on, man.
- [SIGHS.]
- I was directing you, Floyd.
And that was punk-fucking-rock.
Okay, that was perfect.
Look.
I got a Little League game; I gotta get the fuck out of here.
I'll see you assholes later.
Good shit, Floyd.
You're in good shape now.
Don't worry about it.
Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears' "Booty City" Right on everybody Won't you take me to Booty City All right, man, listen to this shit: "In a world grown weary of shamed celebrity apologies," comedian Floyd Mooney's middle-finger-raised, zero-fucks-given, sorry-not-sorry video response to the leaked Kali sex tape "is borderline revolutionary.
" - Ahh.
- "Everyone should take a knee - and listen," man.
- Kaepernick.
Hey, you know who wrote that shit? - [FLOYD.]
Who? - Nelson fucking - Mandela.
- [MALCOLM.]
Youngblood.
Huh? He dead; And that motherfucker's a perv.
[PETER.]
Floyd, Balls, Malcolm.
Would you mind if I took a moment with the man of the hour? I'm proud of you, kid.
- Why? - Because you stood up for yourself.
You took a stand.
You sprinted down the road not taken like Jesse Owens in the face of Hitler.
It's inspiring.
Thanks, I guess.
I need to be in business with you.
You were in business with me.
- Twice.
- Fuck Angry Black.
Fuck Untitled Interracial Rom-Com, which I'm beginning to think is frankly cursed.
I would like to build a show around you, Floyd.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
Your sensibility, your comic point of view.
The tale of a young man rising phoenix-like from the ashes of the ghetto.
What do you think? A: I was never in the fuckin' ghetto.
Really? B: - Nigga, no.
- Hmm.
You are smarter than you look, Floyd.
- [MOCK COUGH.]
Racist says what? - What? [SNAPS.]
Exactly.
Well, a "no" before an eventual "yes" almost always sweetens the deal.
Well played, sir.
Very well played.
Peter, you're not hearing my words.
- Mm.
- I don't want to work with you in this lifetime or the next.
You want to know why? 'Cause you're fuckin' insane! God, you're good, Floyd.
I'll be in touch.
You should come for dinner again.
You could bring Sadie this time.
Au revoir, my ebony prince.
[KISSES.]
Oh, my G Ugh! - Ugh.
- What was that about? That was a pass.
We'll see about that.
But in the meantime, Jamie Foxx's assistant AJ called and he wants to meet with you tomorrow.
Oh, yeah? About what? I didn't ask.
I just thought you'd be excited.
You know, you don't ask many questions, do you, Malcolm? Nah, I love surprises.
Don't you? Kool & The Gang's "Hollywood Swinging" Hollywood Hollywood swinging Uh-huh huh huh This character is gonna move mountains.
His name is Mugu Guk-Guk Ali.
He was the first man to stand up against female circumcision.
I mean, a real feminist.
A hero.
[CHUCKLES.]
Obviously.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hairline.
- What? - I said hairline.
What do you think I should do with my hairline? Huh? What do you think Mooney? Should I go with this or a period? - What do you think? - I Foxx I-I don't I leave that to the professionals, man.
I don't know shit about that, - you know - [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Man, youse a bad - motherfucker, boy.
- Er I loves you, Mooney.
Oh, man, look I like how you - handle yourself, Mooney.
- Oh, yeah? Then why'd you cut me outta the movie? I did not cut you out of the movie, Mooney.
I just wanted you to think that I cut you out the movie.
See, to me, you cheated.
You got hype, viral video, you blew up, whatever.
Now, you're in some hot water over another viral video, right? But there's a silver linin'.
Mm-hmm.
[MUFFLED.]
There's a silver linin'.
And I'm not splittin' hairs here.
The girl Kali is the one! - Tch she - Huh? She is like a chocolate Jessica Rabbit.
- She's a great girl.
- Right? - Yeah.
- You I mean, she's, to me, is Whoa! Sorry, bro.
In your space.
- Anyway - Yeah, you[MUMBLING.]
- Gotta ask yourself, Mooney - Actin' real Japanese.
Is that your girl now? [CHUCKLES.]
[SCOFFS.]
Ha.
I Man, I don't know, I You know, I don't ask questions.
That's what I love about you, Mooney! You're a rabble-rouser! You know? And that's why I want to offer you another movie.
- I'm listenin'.
- 72 Hours.
It's a action-comedy.
Me and a couple'a other blockbuster motherfuckers, along with you You bring that youth - We gonna turn this shit out.
- Word! - [CHUCKLING.]
- So, like so like 48 Hours.
No! 72 Hours.
Because we gonna need 72 hours to do the dope shit that we wanna do.
- So.
Gotcha.
- So, you ready to rap - with the monster trucks? - Yeah! Huh? Huh? You ready to go to a Super Bowl - with this shit? - You know what, Foxx? You always say the same thing twice but two different ways.
Yes, nigger, yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, Atlanta, baby.
Mm-hmm! You ever been to Atl, Atlanta? - Get some peaches on your nuts.
- I been there.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
One of the highest - HIV rates in America.
- That's great for us, because we can shoot in HIV or HD it doesn't matter.
I know we gonna get a good rebate.
Now, get your black ass outta here with your superstar ass.
You 'bout to blow up, baby.
Big-time star! [CHUCKLES.]
My wretched loins! I hence-st hold Squeeze thy wrrr-etched loins from thine! [CHUCKLES.]
My wretched loins! Thy shit! Tell my barber to come in here and cut my Goddamn head! Upbeat pop music Floyd! What up, Teddy? I came as soon as I could.
Drink up.
Salud.
What we drinking to? Ah, just shut up and feel the burn.
Ah.
Great news.
We got the financing.
- We're making Angry Black.
- Oh, cool! - When? - ASAP.
I got a window right now, and we gotta do it before the window closes up on me.
I-I'm gonna be honest.
Okay, it's not a lotta money.
Okay, and when I say not a lot I mean it's nothing up front.
You'd probably do better driving a fuckin' Uber.
Okay, but it's gonna pay off in the long run, come awards season.
Okay? And you can cash in and so some big shitty movie and wipe your ass with all the green you're gonna make.
What's the matter? Here's the thing, Teddy, um, I already got offered a big, shitty movie.
- What? - Yeah.
It's a Jamie Foxx thing.
[MUTTERING.]
What the fuck Come on, man.
Don't get mad.
No, I'm not mad.
Why would I be mad? - You fuckin' handjob.
- Cool.
I'm fucking furious, Floyd! I mean, who was your friend when no one else was? Who's always had your back? Me! And this is how you fuckin' repay me? You fuckin' cocksucker.
You know, if you had a pool, I'd shit in it right now! Fuckin' backstabber.
Fuckin' big-nose creep.
Bass music [FLOYD.]
I know, but, Balls, business is fuckin' business.
And this is the type of shit I've been waiting for ever since Hollywood came a-callin' the first place.
Big action-comedy.
Me doing the Eddie Murphy shit I've always wanted to do.
Time's gonna come, motherfucker, when you gotta make a decision.
And you know what? - You gonna do the right thing.
- [SCOFFS.]
- How could you be so sure? - 'Cause I know things, man.
- [SOFT LAUGH.]
- I'm Nigga-damus, nigga.
Balls.
Esther, girl.
- Floyd.
- What up with you, foodie girl? Oh, my God, shit has been so crazy.
Just so much drama.
I got into a big fight with my investor and quit the restaurant.
And I finally got my food truck up and running.
Then an ex came back out of the woodwork and, you know, the business of life.
[MALCOLM.]
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
So, uh, what can I get for you guys? Oh, yeah, shit, uh, what's good? [SCOFFS.]
What's not good? Um, you know what? Lemme make something for you guys.
Have a seat.
I'll have one of the guys bring it out.
- [MALCOLM.]
Okay.
Thank you.
- [ESTHER.]
Yeah.
[FLOYD.]
Cool.
What the fuck was that shit? What? [SCOFFS.]
You clammed up.
No, man, she blew me off.
It was awkward.
'Cause you made it awkward.
She seemed friendly as shit.
Man, you heard what she said.
She said some ex came out of the fucking woodwork.
So what? You're Balls.
You're better than any ex will ever be.
I admire her talent, man, but sometimes it's best just to leave it at that.
Just be a fan.
[FLOYD.]
You can be a fan and still get some ass.
[SINGSONG.]
Check it out.
[FLOYD.]
Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
Shhhh Go talk to her.
- Nah.
Nah, man.
- Why? Look, it was really nice getting to know her, but she's not interested.
Sometimes it's just better to have the memory of some good times and some good food.
Balls, you as smart as a motherfucker, but sometimes you dumb as shit.
Man, look, sometimes you gotta push through all that negative shit to get to something good.
It's like stand-up.
You risk death every time.
Sometimes it's torture.
Sometimes it's glorious.
Why don't you fuckin' get some fuckin' glory for once? - A'ight.
- A'ight? [BOTH.]
Mm-mm-mm-mm! All right.
My nigga.
[HIP-HOP INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC OVER CAR SPEAKERS.]
[ENGINE CUTS OUT.]
Okay.
Thanks.
- Bye.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
[SADIE SIGHS.]
Fuck! Oh, no.
What I do this time? You know what? For once, it wasn't you.
Oh, really? I just got off with Kali's manager.
Oh, yeah, I know that creepy guy.
I just got an opportunity to go on tour with her and sing backup and write with her.
Sadie, that's amazing.
That's incredible! It's impossible is what it is.
- Why you say that? - You know why.
Who's gonna look after Trevor? I am.
Soft music - Floyd.
- What? - Come on.
- Hear me out.
Okay, hear me out, all right? You been waiting for an opportunity like this your whole life.
Your whole life! I'm not just gonna sit here and let you pass that up.
Girl, you better go on the road.
Floyd, that's really sweet, but do you understand what that means? How much work that is? It doesn't leave much space for personal career stuff.
[SCOFFS.]
Shit.
What else I gotta do? I'll think about it, okay? But thank you.
You're welcome, but you're not gonna think about it.
You're gonna go.
[SOFTLY.]
Go.
[DOORBELL CHIMES.]
[SIGHS.]
That's Robbie.
That Jeremy Meeks-looking motherfucker always ruins our nice moments, you notice that? It's just dinner.
I'll be back soon.
Take your time.
At least you got something to celebrate.
[INHALES.]
Maybe.
Thank you, Floyd.
Don't thank me.
It's you and your talent that got you here.
Okay? Ain't no "maybe.
" Go out.
Have some fun.
- But not too much fun.
- [SOFT LAUGH.]
And you might want to think about breaking it off with him.
- Okay.
- You going on the road now.
You wanna keep your options open.
Are you being serious right now? [SOFT CHUCKLE.]
100 percent.
We're talking six figures and a great part in a big movie.
Are you absolutely sure you wanna pass? Tender piano music [SCOFFS.]
Damn sure.
Okay.
You're being surprisingly cool about this, Malcolm.
Yeah, well, finally made peace with the fact that representing you is a thankless, punishing task, and, um I'm high as fuck right now.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [MALCOLM.]
Um, either way, I remain your humble servant.
All right, man, I'll get at you.
Here you go.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
[SOFT R&B MUSIC OVER STEREO.]
[FLOYD.]
Hey, what's up? The deal go away? No, it's not that.
What's wrong? [SIGHS.]
I was at dinner with Robbie, and that crazy fucking nanny showed up.
Gwen? Gwen.
- Oh.
- Yeah, "oh.
" She had a pretty interesting story to tell.
I bet she did.
Why didn't you tell me? I almost did, but Wow, that shows admirable restraint and maturity, Floyd.
I thought so.
God, it must have killed you not to tell me.
You have no idea.
But I'm sad to see you bummed out.
Well, that's the thing, like, [SOFT LAUGH.]
when it happened, I was kinda happy? Happy? - Yeah.
- Why? - Because it wasn't gonna last.
- Mm.
And I knew it.
And then here came this perfect opportunity to end it, so Also, he's a little too metro for me, you know? Like, just spent way too much time in the mirror.
Yeah, bet he was a real shitty lay too, right? No, no, we had great sex.
Yeah, but I mean, I bet you he was he was just a little selfish in the sack, though, right? No, no, no, he was very generous.
- Very generous, yeah.
- Oh It was almost like he preferred giving to receiving.
I don't know if my body's changing, but I don't think I've ever come like that before.
Okay! God, seriously, stop.
You're making me fuckin' sick.
Sorry I asked.
Anyway, I was driving home and Malcolm called me.
- Motherfucker.
- He wanted to make sure I was aware of what you were giving up for me.
Motherfucker.
He's a good agent, Floyd.
An agent that puts his client first.
My nigga.
Yeah.
But are you absolutely sure you wanna do this? We're in this thing together.
Whether we end up happily ever after or not, that's our kid.
And And what? Soft tender music I love you.
I want what's best for you.
And I want you to know what it feels like to dream about something your whole life and finally see it start to happen.
Oh Mm Wait [LAUGHS.]
Are you sure you wanna do this? Shut up and kiss me, you fool.
Ooh, we gonna make love.
Are you trying to dry me out right now? R.
Kelly's "Sadie" Early one Sunday mornin' Breakfast was on the table There was no time to eat She said to me Boy hurry to Sunday school - [R.
KELLY'S "SADIE" ON RADIO.]
- Oh Sadie Don't you know we love you sweet Sadie Place no one above you Sweet Sadie [DISTANT LAWNMOWER RUNNING.]
[SIGHS.]
Hello.
[CHEERFULLY.]
Good morning.
So I guess you want me to get going before the boy What's this all about? You boys want some breakfast, or what? [TREVOR.]
Sure.
Yeah.
[SADIE HUMMING.]
[TREVOR.]
Pancakes in my tummy, they're gonna be so yummy.
Pancakes in my tummy Andra Day's "Rise Up" Livin' life on the merry-go-round And you can't find the fighter But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out - I'm gonna miss you so much.
- Mo-ooh-ooh-oove Be good, okay? - Okay.
- Mountains We gonna walk it out And mo-ooh-ooh-ove Mountains And I'll rise up, I'll rise No more thank yous.
Get out there and knock 'em dead, kid.
I'll rise up And I'll do it - I love you.
- Me too.
And I'll rise up I'll rise like the day I'll rise up I'll rise unafraid I'll rise up [CAR DOOR SHUTS.]
And I'll do it a thousand times again For you-hoo-ooh For you-hoo-ooh For you-ooh-ooh chorus vocalizing [BOOMING.]
- Shoot him.
- I can't! I have to find - a [INDISTINCT.]
.
- [SOFT CHUCKLE.]
Shoot him.
- [DOORBELL CHIMES.]
- It's open.
- How am I gonna - [DOOR OPENS.]
[FLOYD.]
Oh snap now.
Oh, snap.
Okay.
Hey, I'm diggin' this whole thing right here.
It's really making me smile.
Y'all got like a got like a "Rick James, Teena Marie" vibe going on.
Uncle Balls, is this your girlfriend? Uhh [CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah, yes.
I am his girlfriend.
[WHISPERS.]
You hit the jackpot.
- Awesome.
- [LAUGHS.]
Show me to the kitchen? We're making some dinner for you, kid.
- [TREVOR.]
Yeah, sure.
- [ESTHER.]
Let's do it.
Come on.
You lead the way.
[TREVOR.]
Do I see cookies? - Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, look, man, I won't be too long.
Hey, man, take as long as you need, motherfucker.
Just do your thing.
You know what, Balls? Thank you.
For everything big and small.
I love you, motherfucker.
I love you too, man.
[SOFT GROAN.]
Hey, bring me back some Krispy Kremes, man.
[LAUGHS.]
But only if the light is on.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[TREVOR.]
I don't know what it's gonna be [BALLS.]
Somebody's gotta teach you to read.
[TREVOR.]
It's a baguette.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All right, one more time for my girl Keisha, y'all.
All right.
[MAN.]
Yo, hold up, man.
Hey, hold up! [MALCOLM.]
Oh, no, no, no, this is my guy right here.
- This is excuse me - Oh, he good, let him in.
- Yes, thank you.
- Let him in.
- Thank you.
Fuck off.
- Shit.
You didn't have to come, man.
Of course I did.
You haven't done this in a while.
Shit, you might fucking bomb up there, and that would be way too much fun to miss.
Not even gonna lie, man, I'm nervous as shit right now.
That's good.
Yeah-yeah-yeah.
You never wanna lose those butterflies, okay? That's what my creepy uncle used to tell me right before he used to put his dick [SLAP.]
right on my shoulder.
You know what I mean? Anyway.
Look, I hope it's all right, but I invited someone down.
Oh.
There's a lot of fuckin' snapper in here tonight.
Listen, Floyd, I'm here because I'm sorry and I was out of line.
You know what, Teddy? I probably would have done the same thing if I was in your position.
I wouldn't have flipped over a table or nothing, but, you know, I understand what was behind it.
Well, turns out you did the right thing, right? [SCOFFS.]
Yeah, we'll see.
Got the camera, huh? Yeah, well, I'm gonna film your set.
And I'm gonna keep filming you.
And we're gonna turn this into a killer comedy special.
Okay? Something with cinematic scope and vision and heart and something that's funny as fuck.
All right, you-you're Rocky; And I'm Burgess fucking Meredith and I'm gonna make you go the distance.
Can we do that? Teddy, that's the best idea I heard in a fuckin' long time, man.
Yeah, well, as much as I hate to admit it, uh, it was this guy's idea.
Motherfucker.
- Hmm.
- Hey, kick ass.
I'ma go get set up.
Coming through! Filmmaker coming through! Watch out, lady.
This next guy, he and I go way back.
We used to drive hours to do $50 spots.
Put your hands together for Floyd Mooney.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Show 'em how it's done.
[MALCOLM.]
Come on, motherfucker, let's go.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[SOFT CHUCKLE.]
Wow.
I ain't been up here in a long time.
I ain't gonna lie, I'm a little fuckin' rusty.
I ain't got nobody to blame but myself.
Hollywood came knocking.
And I got distracted.
I been doing some acting, you know.
Movies.
TV pilots.
Music videos.
Sex tapes.
- [CROWD OOHS.]
- Yeah, don't ask.
[MUTTERS.]
Don't ask, don't ask [LAUGHTER.]
See, my agent, he's all about trying to make me "white famous.
" But that shit comes with a big fucking price tag.
And I'm trying man, but one thing I learned that I think I knew already Caucasians be fucking crazy! - [LAUGHTER.]
- What the fuck, man? They crazy as shit.
And back to my-my-my topic, I can't believe Verizon man switched to Sprint.
What the fuck was wrong with his ass? You never seen a death metal concert before? That shit crazy as a bitch.
White people need Jesus.
African dudes be aggressive as hell trying to get a girl.
[ACCENT.]
"Listen.
Listen.
I.
Want.
To.
Be.
Your.
Boyfriend.
" I don't give a fuck if your ex has a house key.
"Fuck him!" [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
soft, uplifting music Action Bronson's "Brand New Car" - I got a brand new car - New car? I got a jazz guitar Welcome, everybody.
Uh.
Yeah.
Thank you a lot for coming it means a lot to me Steer the yacht with my knee plenty of botany Damn bad chick on top of me pornography And I know she only want me for my guap-ery It's the first time ever Yo fuck this jacket I turn this shit to 85 napkins Since Jeter's done I'm now the captain Trust you me Gotham's safer now But there's always a new joker in town Ready to smoke you with that pound But when he shoot it The flag says "Bang" and everybody laughs He must be up and off the molly tabs I'm by the bar lookin' Swedish in the trench coat stupid The only one drinkin' mango lassi in the bullpen My lips are sealed like the singer with bad skin My need for speed made the Jag spin Dog, I'll resurrect Freaky Tah to do my ad-libs Overseas I pro'lly got mad kids That I don't even know about you better slow down [ARF.]
Hey, y'all, here's what's been happening on White Famous.
[BALLS.]
You gotta fuckin' tell her.
I think that's a terrible idea.
No matter how this shakes out, he's always gonna be be the one who spilled the beans and fucked up her relationship - with Robbie.
- Man's got a point.
As you may or may not know, there's a tape out there.
Tape? What kind of tape? [JIMMY.]
A sex tape starring Kali and featuring Floyd Mooney.
You're suddenly gonna become a whole lot more famous.
[TEDDY.]
I heard about what happened, and, I, uh, felt like you could use a friend.
So what the fuck now, Malcolm? Well, I think we work on your apology strategy.
What am I apologizing for? For making fun of iconic African-Americans within the context of a low-down, dirty sexy tape.
Jazzy musical flourish [BALLS SINGING THE SPINNERS' "SADIE".]
Don't you know we love ya Sweet Sadie Place no one above ya Sadie Living in the past If there's a Heaven up above I know you're teaching angels how to love Balls, what are you doing? Where did that voice come from? Well, do I sound good? Yeah, you sound great but, like, what are you doing here? - Sadie.
- Oh.
Sadie, Sadie, please.
Wait, Sadie, come on, Sadie Balls.
Whoo-hoo! Sadie Okay, Balls, you have to be quiet.
You have to talk to me.
Okay? Well [EXHALES.]
I'm gonna go in and check on my boy.
- You still got Fruity Pebbles? - You know I do.
- Sadie.
- What? - I'm sorry.
- What does that mean? What are you sorry for, Floyd? I'm sorry for a lot of things.
I'm sorry for shitting where you eat.
I'm sorry for embarrassing you and Trevor.
I'm sorry for disrespecting beloved African-American icons.
Did somebody write this for you? Yeah, I been kind of practicing.
You know, it's maybe.
Look, listen, I-I planned to make a formal apology Okay, Floyd, listen.
[SIGHS.]
The Kali thing I get it.
It wasn't fair of me to ask you to stay away from her if she was interested.
And I'm guessing the sex tape wasn't your fault.
Hell no, it wasn't! You did stick your dick in her, though.
I did.
Okay, could you maybe not relive it in front of me, please? - Sorry.
- Also, comedians aren't supposed to star in sex tapes, Floyd.
That's what I been saying.
I'm not even sure they're supposed to be in good shape.
I'll let myself go.
Whatever it takes.
You don't even know what you really did wrong.
Like, the absolute worst thing.
- What? - Well, you you were with a girl, and you did your little impressions and you made her laugh and then you had sex with her.
Yeah That was our thing.
[SIGHS.]
Oh.
Yeah, "oh.
" Hey [SIGHS.]
I mean, at least she's talking to you.
Yeah, true that.
It's progress.
You made me pretty popular, Dad.
- How you mean? - All these kids who don't want to talk to me suddenly want to talk to me about you and Kali.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
Don't let it go to your head, kid.
Nah, they're all punks.
And some of the black kids are mad at you because you made fun of Barack and Michelle.
And a lot of people are saying mean stuff about you online.
Think you're ever gonna work again? I mean are we gonna have to move to the ghetto? - Nah.
Not yet.
- Yet? 'Course I'm gonna work again, man.
I'm a comedian.
It's what I do.
All this acting stuff is just a distraction.
I'ma get back.
So I'ma go ahead and make this apology.
Before you know it, somebody else is gonna do something stupid, and they'll forget all about me.
But why do you have to apologize? It's just what you do these days.
But you're a comedian.
You were just being funny.
It's your job.
[SADIE.]
Hey, come on, Trev.
Let's go.
[FLOYD.]
Where y'all going? - To the movies.
- [FLOYD.]
Cool.
[TREVOR.]
With Robbie.
Okay, why are you all frowning at me? Well, if the court will allow it, we just all think a woman of your caliber deserves to be with a higher-class gentleman.
That's all.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, thanks for that.
Come on, let's go.
[SADIE.]
Come on.
Bye, guys.
Maybe you should've done the R.
Kelly version.
Maybe you should've kept your dick in your pants.
Bitch! I love you! Black Joe Lewis' "Bitch, I Love You" I don't know just why What up? I'm Floyd Mooney, and I just want to apologize for the insensitive portrayal of President Barack Obama and the sex tape with the beautiful Kali.
Peace.
What up, Grandma? That's it? Tha-that's your big fuckin' apology? What else I'm supposed to say? Well, what the fuck are you even apologizing for? - I don't fucking know.
- Okay, well, h-how do you feel about Obama? I fucking love Obama.
Man, I would never intentionally disrespect that beautiful man.
And I really fuckin' miss him right now.
Okay a-and how do you feel about Kali? I fuckin' love Kali.
I mean, she's beautiful, she's smart, she's talented.
Okay, and how do you feel about all these skinny-jean-wearing, coffee-drinking, NAACP-thumping hipsters that have been giving you a hard time? How do you feel about those fucks? Man, fuck them motherfuckers if they can't take a joke! You know, the world's upside-down, going batshit crazy.
We living in a time where people have to apologize for dumb shit every three seconds.
What if somebody had the balls to stand up and be like, "Hey, internet", fuck you! "Suck my balls through my drawls, bitch.
" [TEDDY.]
Whoa-whoa-whoa, so, uh, so you're not really sorry, are you? Man, hell no, I'm not fuckin' sorry, man.
I mean, I am sorry for embarrassing my son and his mom.
But I'm not sorry for having wild, butt-naked sex with a beautiful woman and making her laugh.
Although I am kind of sorry about that, 'cause that was me and my baby's mom's thing, and she's 1,000 times more special to me.
So that part, I would take it back if I could.
Fuck, man.
I don't want to live in a world where we have to feel shamed all the damn time.
I'm sorry for being a comedian in a sex tape.
'Cause nobody watches sex tapes for comedy.
I don't know, man, I can't figure it all out today.
I'm just trying to be real as fuck right now.
Fuck the thought police.
[TEDDY.]
And cut.
That's it, Floyd.
That was great.
That was, uh, that was perfect.
What? What you mean, "perfect," man? What do you mean, "cut"? Like, I was just riffing.
Yeah, I know, but that's what I wanted you to do.
But that seemed like a non-apology.
Shouldn't we go again? Nah-nah-nah, I think, uh, I think we got it.
We're good.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
Be serious, Teddy, okay? Look, if we're gonna do this thing, let's do it right.
- Already done, man.
- What you mean, already done? I just put that shit on Instagram.
- What? Oh! - Fuck.
[MALCOLM.]
How do you delete this, man? This was just another one of your fuckin' tricks, - wasn't it, Teddy? - Nah, I just wanted to get you riffing it off the cuff, Floyd.
What about production value? This thing wasn't even on, man.
- [SIGHS.]
- I was directing you, Floyd.
And that was punk-fucking-rock.
Okay, that was perfect.
Look.
I got a Little League game; I gotta get the fuck out of here.
I'll see you assholes later.
Good shit, Floyd.
You're in good shape now.
Don't worry about it.
Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears' "Booty City" Right on everybody Won't you take me to Booty City All right, man, listen to this shit: "In a world grown weary of shamed celebrity apologies," comedian Floyd Mooney's middle-finger-raised, zero-fucks-given, sorry-not-sorry video response to the leaked Kali sex tape "is borderline revolutionary.
" - Ahh.
- "Everyone should take a knee - and listen," man.
- Kaepernick.
Hey, you know who wrote that shit? - [FLOYD.]
Who? - Nelson fucking - Mandela.
- [MALCOLM.]
Youngblood.
Huh? He dead; And that motherfucker's a perv.
[PETER.]
Floyd, Balls, Malcolm.
Would you mind if I took a moment with the man of the hour? I'm proud of you, kid.
- Why? - Because you stood up for yourself.
You took a stand.
You sprinted down the road not taken like Jesse Owens in the face of Hitler.
It's inspiring.
Thanks, I guess.
I need to be in business with you.
You were in business with me.
- Twice.
- Fuck Angry Black.
Fuck Untitled Interracial Rom-Com, which I'm beginning to think is frankly cursed.
I would like to build a show around you, Floyd.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
Your sensibility, your comic point of view.
The tale of a young man rising phoenix-like from the ashes of the ghetto.
What do you think? A: I was never in the fuckin' ghetto.
Really? B: - Nigga, no.
- Hmm.
You are smarter than you look, Floyd.
- [MOCK COUGH.]
Racist says what? - What? [SNAPS.]
Exactly.
Well, a "no" before an eventual "yes" almost always sweetens the deal.
Well played, sir.
Very well played.
Peter, you're not hearing my words.
- Mm.
- I don't want to work with you in this lifetime or the next.
You want to know why? 'Cause you're fuckin' insane! God, you're good, Floyd.
I'll be in touch.
You should come for dinner again.
You could bring Sadie this time.
Au revoir, my ebony prince.
[KISSES.]
Oh, my G Ugh! - Ugh.
- What was that about? That was a pass.
We'll see about that.
But in the meantime, Jamie Foxx's assistant AJ called and he wants to meet with you tomorrow.
Oh, yeah? About what? I didn't ask.
I just thought you'd be excited.
You know, you don't ask many questions, do you, Malcolm? Nah, I love surprises.
Don't you? Kool & The Gang's "Hollywood Swinging" Hollywood Hollywood swinging Uh-huh huh huh This character is gonna move mountains.
His name is Mugu Guk-Guk Ali.
He was the first man to stand up against female circumcision.
I mean, a real feminist.
A hero.
[CHUCKLES.]
Obviously.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hairline.
- What? - I said hairline.
What do you think I should do with my hairline? Huh? What do you think Mooney? Should I go with this or a period? - What do you think? - I Foxx I-I don't I leave that to the professionals, man.
I don't know shit about that, - you know - [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Man, youse a bad - motherfucker, boy.
- Er I loves you, Mooney.
Oh, man, look I like how you - handle yourself, Mooney.
- Oh, yeah? Then why'd you cut me outta the movie? I did not cut you out of the movie, Mooney.
I just wanted you to think that I cut you out the movie.
See, to me, you cheated.
You got hype, viral video, you blew up, whatever.
Now, you're in some hot water over another viral video, right? But there's a silver linin'.
Mm-hmm.
[MUFFLED.]
There's a silver linin'.
And I'm not splittin' hairs here.
The girl Kali is the one! - Tch she - Huh? She is like a chocolate Jessica Rabbit.
- She's a great girl.
- Right? - Yeah.
- You I mean, she's, to me, is Whoa! Sorry, bro.
In your space.
- Anyway - Yeah, you[MUMBLING.]
- Gotta ask yourself, Mooney - Actin' real Japanese.
Is that your girl now? [CHUCKLES.]
[SCOFFS.]
Ha.
I Man, I don't know, I You know, I don't ask questions.
That's what I love about you, Mooney! You're a rabble-rouser! You know? And that's why I want to offer you another movie.
- I'm listenin'.
- 72 Hours.
It's a action-comedy.
Me and a couple'a other blockbuster motherfuckers, along with you You bring that youth - We gonna turn this shit out.
- Word! - [CHUCKLING.]
- So, like so like 48 Hours.
No! 72 Hours.
Because we gonna need 72 hours to do the dope shit that we wanna do.
- So.
Gotcha.
- So, you ready to rap - with the monster trucks? - Yeah! Huh? Huh? You ready to go to a Super Bowl - with this shit? - You know what, Foxx? You always say the same thing twice but two different ways.
Yes, nigger, yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, Atlanta, baby.
Mm-hmm! You ever been to Atl, Atlanta? - Get some peaches on your nuts.
- I been there.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
One of the highest - HIV rates in America.
- That's great for us, because we can shoot in HIV or HD it doesn't matter.
I know we gonna get a good rebate.
Now, get your black ass outta here with your superstar ass.
You 'bout to blow up, baby.
Big-time star! [CHUCKLES.]
My wretched loins! I hence-st hold Squeeze thy wrrr-etched loins from thine! [CHUCKLES.]
My wretched loins! Thy shit! Tell my barber to come in here and cut my Goddamn head! Upbeat pop music Floyd! What up, Teddy? I came as soon as I could.
Drink up.
Salud.
What we drinking to? Ah, just shut up and feel the burn.
Ah.
Great news.
We got the financing.
- We're making Angry Black.
- Oh, cool! - When? - ASAP.
I got a window right now, and we gotta do it before the window closes up on me.
I-I'm gonna be honest.
Okay, it's not a lotta money.
Okay, and when I say not a lot I mean it's nothing up front.
You'd probably do better driving a fuckin' Uber.
Okay, but it's gonna pay off in the long run, come awards season.
Okay? And you can cash in and so some big shitty movie and wipe your ass with all the green you're gonna make.
What's the matter? Here's the thing, Teddy, um, I already got offered a big, shitty movie.
- What? - Yeah.
It's a Jamie Foxx thing.
[MUTTERING.]
What the fuck Come on, man.
Don't get mad.
No, I'm not mad.
Why would I be mad? - You fuckin' handjob.
- Cool.
I'm fucking furious, Floyd! I mean, who was your friend when no one else was? Who's always had your back? Me! And this is how you fuckin' repay me? You fuckin' cocksucker.
You know, if you had a pool, I'd shit in it right now! Fuckin' backstabber.
Fuckin' big-nose creep.
Bass music [FLOYD.]
I know, but, Balls, business is fuckin' business.
And this is the type of shit I've been waiting for ever since Hollywood came a-callin' the first place.
Big action-comedy.
Me doing the Eddie Murphy shit I've always wanted to do.
Time's gonna come, motherfucker, when you gotta make a decision.
And you know what? - You gonna do the right thing.
- [SCOFFS.]
- How could you be so sure? - 'Cause I know things, man.
- [SOFT LAUGH.]
- I'm Nigga-damus, nigga.
Balls.
Esther, girl.
- Floyd.
- What up with you, foodie girl? Oh, my God, shit has been so crazy.
Just so much drama.
I got into a big fight with my investor and quit the restaurant.
And I finally got my food truck up and running.
Then an ex came back out of the woodwork and, you know, the business of life.
[MALCOLM.]
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
So, uh, what can I get for you guys? Oh, yeah, shit, uh, what's good? [SCOFFS.]
What's not good? Um, you know what? Lemme make something for you guys.
Have a seat.
I'll have one of the guys bring it out.
- [MALCOLM.]
Okay.
Thank you.
- [ESTHER.]
Yeah.
[FLOYD.]
Cool.
What the fuck was that shit? What? [SCOFFS.]
You clammed up.
No, man, she blew me off.
It was awkward.
'Cause you made it awkward.
She seemed friendly as shit.
Man, you heard what she said.
She said some ex came out of the fucking woodwork.
So what? You're Balls.
You're better than any ex will ever be.
I admire her talent, man, but sometimes it's best just to leave it at that.
Just be a fan.
[FLOYD.]
You can be a fan and still get some ass.
[SINGSONG.]
Check it out.
[FLOYD.]
Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
Shhhh Go talk to her.
- Nah.
Nah, man.
- Why? Look, it was really nice getting to know her, but she's not interested.
Sometimes it's just better to have the memory of some good times and some good food.
Balls, you as smart as a motherfucker, but sometimes you dumb as shit.
Man, look, sometimes you gotta push through all that negative shit to get to something good.
It's like stand-up.
You risk death every time.
Sometimes it's torture.
Sometimes it's glorious.
Why don't you fuckin' get some fuckin' glory for once? - A'ight.
- A'ight? [BOTH.]
Mm-mm-mm-mm! All right.
My nigga.
[HIP-HOP INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC OVER CAR SPEAKERS.]
[ENGINE CUTS OUT.]
Okay.
Thanks.
- Bye.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
[SADIE SIGHS.]
Fuck! Oh, no.
What I do this time? You know what? For once, it wasn't you.
Oh, really? I just got off with Kali's manager.
Oh, yeah, I know that creepy guy.
I just got an opportunity to go on tour with her and sing backup and write with her.
Sadie, that's amazing.
That's incredible! It's impossible is what it is.
- Why you say that? - You know why.
Who's gonna look after Trevor? I am.
Soft music - Floyd.
- What? - Come on.
- Hear me out.
Okay, hear me out, all right? You been waiting for an opportunity like this your whole life.
Your whole life! I'm not just gonna sit here and let you pass that up.
Girl, you better go on the road.
Floyd, that's really sweet, but do you understand what that means? How much work that is? It doesn't leave much space for personal career stuff.
[SCOFFS.]
Shit.
What else I gotta do? I'll think about it, okay? But thank you.
You're welcome, but you're not gonna think about it.
You're gonna go.
[SOFTLY.]
Go.
[DOORBELL CHIMES.]
[SIGHS.]
That's Robbie.
That Jeremy Meeks-looking motherfucker always ruins our nice moments, you notice that? It's just dinner.
I'll be back soon.
Take your time.
At least you got something to celebrate.
[INHALES.]
Maybe.
Thank you, Floyd.
Don't thank me.
It's you and your talent that got you here.
Okay? Ain't no "maybe.
" Go out.
Have some fun.
- But not too much fun.
- [SOFT LAUGH.]
And you might want to think about breaking it off with him.
- Okay.
- You going on the road now.
You wanna keep your options open.
Are you being serious right now? [SOFT CHUCKLE.]
100 percent.
We're talking six figures and a great part in a big movie.
Are you absolutely sure you wanna pass? Tender piano music [SCOFFS.]
Damn sure.
Okay.
You're being surprisingly cool about this, Malcolm.
Yeah, well, finally made peace with the fact that representing you is a thankless, punishing task, and, um I'm high as fuck right now.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [MALCOLM.]
Um, either way, I remain your humble servant.
All right, man, I'll get at you.
Here you go.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
[SOFT R&B MUSIC OVER STEREO.]
[FLOYD.]
Hey, what's up? The deal go away? No, it's not that.
What's wrong? [SIGHS.]
I was at dinner with Robbie, and that crazy fucking nanny showed up.
Gwen? Gwen.
- Oh.
- Yeah, "oh.
" She had a pretty interesting story to tell.
I bet she did.
Why didn't you tell me? I almost did, but Wow, that shows admirable restraint and maturity, Floyd.
I thought so.
God, it must have killed you not to tell me.
You have no idea.
But I'm sad to see you bummed out.
Well, that's the thing, like, [SOFT LAUGH.]
when it happened, I was kinda happy? Happy? - Yeah.
- Why? - Because it wasn't gonna last.
- Mm.
And I knew it.
And then here came this perfect opportunity to end it, so Also, he's a little too metro for me, you know? Like, just spent way too much time in the mirror.
Yeah, bet he was a real shitty lay too, right? No, no, we had great sex.
Yeah, but I mean, I bet you he was he was just a little selfish in the sack, though, right? No, no, no, he was very generous.
- Very generous, yeah.
- Oh It was almost like he preferred giving to receiving.
I don't know if my body's changing, but I don't think I've ever come like that before.
Okay! God, seriously, stop.
You're making me fuckin' sick.
Sorry I asked.
Anyway, I was driving home and Malcolm called me.
- Motherfucker.
- He wanted to make sure I was aware of what you were giving up for me.
Motherfucker.
He's a good agent, Floyd.
An agent that puts his client first.
My nigga.
Yeah.
But are you absolutely sure you wanna do this? We're in this thing together.
Whether we end up happily ever after or not, that's our kid.
And And what? Soft tender music I love you.
I want what's best for you.
And I want you to know what it feels like to dream about something your whole life and finally see it start to happen.
Oh Mm Wait [LAUGHS.]
Are you sure you wanna do this? Shut up and kiss me, you fool.
Ooh, we gonna make love.
Are you trying to dry me out right now? R.
Kelly's "Sadie" Early one Sunday mornin' Breakfast was on the table There was no time to eat She said to me Boy hurry to Sunday school - [R.
KELLY'S "SADIE" ON RADIO.]
- Oh Sadie Don't you know we love you sweet Sadie Place no one above you Sweet Sadie [DISTANT LAWNMOWER RUNNING.]
[SIGHS.]
Hello.
[CHEERFULLY.]
Good morning.
So I guess you want me to get going before the boy What's this all about? You boys want some breakfast, or what? [TREVOR.]
Sure.
Yeah.
[SADIE HUMMING.]
[TREVOR.]
Pancakes in my tummy, they're gonna be so yummy.
Pancakes in my tummy Andra Day's "Rise Up" Livin' life on the merry-go-round And you can't find the fighter But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out - I'm gonna miss you so much.
- Mo-ooh-ooh-oove Be good, okay? - Okay.
- Mountains We gonna walk it out And mo-ooh-ooh-ove Mountains And I'll rise up, I'll rise No more thank yous.
Get out there and knock 'em dead, kid.
I'll rise up And I'll do it - I love you.
- Me too.
And I'll rise up I'll rise like the day I'll rise up I'll rise unafraid I'll rise up [CAR DOOR SHUTS.]
And I'll do it a thousand times again For you-hoo-ooh For you-hoo-ooh For you-ooh-ooh chorus vocalizing [BOOMING.]
- Shoot him.
- I can't! I have to find - a [INDISTINCT.]
.
- [SOFT CHUCKLE.]
Shoot him.
- [DOORBELL CHIMES.]
- It's open.
- How am I gonna - [DOOR OPENS.]
[FLOYD.]
Oh snap now.
Oh, snap.
Okay.
Hey, I'm diggin' this whole thing right here.
It's really making me smile.
Y'all got like a got like a "Rick James, Teena Marie" vibe going on.
Uncle Balls, is this your girlfriend? Uhh [CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah, yes.
I am his girlfriend.
[WHISPERS.]
You hit the jackpot.
- Awesome.
- [LAUGHS.]
Show me to the kitchen? We're making some dinner for you, kid.
- [TREVOR.]
Yeah, sure.
- [ESTHER.]
Let's do it.
Come on.
You lead the way.
[TREVOR.]
Do I see cookies? - Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, look, man, I won't be too long.
Hey, man, take as long as you need, motherfucker.
Just do your thing.
You know what, Balls? Thank you.
For everything big and small.
I love you, motherfucker.
I love you too, man.
[SOFT GROAN.]
Hey, bring me back some Krispy Kremes, man.
[LAUGHS.]
But only if the light is on.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[TREVOR.]
I don't know what it's gonna be [BALLS.]
Somebody's gotta teach you to read.
[TREVOR.]
It's a baguette.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All right, one more time for my girl Keisha, y'all.
All right.
[MAN.]
Yo, hold up, man.
Hey, hold up! [MALCOLM.]
Oh, no, no, no, this is my guy right here.
- This is excuse me - Oh, he good, let him in.
- Yes, thank you.
- Let him in.
- Thank you.
Fuck off.
- Shit.
You didn't have to come, man.
Of course I did.
You haven't done this in a while.
Shit, you might fucking bomb up there, and that would be way too much fun to miss.
Not even gonna lie, man, I'm nervous as shit right now.
That's good.
Yeah-yeah-yeah.
You never wanna lose those butterflies, okay? That's what my creepy uncle used to tell me right before he used to put his dick [SLAP.]
right on my shoulder.
You know what I mean? Anyway.
Look, I hope it's all right, but I invited someone down.
Oh.
There's a lot of fuckin' snapper in here tonight.
Listen, Floyd, I'm here because I'm sorry and I was out of line.
You know what, Teddy? I probably would have done the same thing if I was in your position.
I wouldn't have flipped over a table or nothing, but, you know, I understand what was behind it.
Well, turns out you did the right thing, right? [SCOFFS.]
Yeah, we'll see.
Got the camera, huh? Yeah, well, I'm gonna film your set.
And I'm gonna keep filming you.
And we're gonna turn this into a killer comedy special.
Okay? Something with cinematic scope and vision and heart and something that's funny as fuck.
All right, you-you're Rocky; And I'm Burgess fucking Meredith and I'm gonna make you go the distance.
Can we do that? Teddy, that's the best idea I heard in a fuckin' long time, man.
Yeah, well, as much as I hate to admit it, uh, it was this guy's idea.
Motherfucker.
- Hmm.
- Hey, kick ass.
I'ma go get set up.
Coming through! Filmmaker coming through! Watch out, lady.
This next guy, he and I go way back.
We used to drive hours to do $50 spots.
Put your hands together for Floyd Mooney.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Show 'em how it's done.
[MALCOLM.]
Come on, motherfucker, let's go.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[SOFT CHUCKLE.]
Wow.
I ain't been up here in a long time.
I ain't gonna lie, I'm a little fuckin' rusty.
I ain't got nobody to blame but myself.
Hollywood came knocking.
And I got distracted.
I been doing some acting, you know.
Movies.
TV pilots.
Music videos.
Sex tapes.
- [CROWD OOHS.]
- Yeah, don't ask.
[MUTTERS.]
Don't ask, don't ask [LAUGHTER.]
See, my agent, he's all about trying to make me "white famous.
" But that shit comes with a big fucking price tag.
And I'm trying man, but one thing I learned that I think I knew already Caucasians be fucking crazy! - [LAUGHTER.]
- What the fuck, man? They crazy as shit.
And back to my-my-my topic, I can't believe Verizon man switched to Sprint.
What the fuck was wrong with his ass? You never seen a death metal concert before? That shit crazy as a bitch.
White people need Jesus.
African dudes be aggressive as hell trying to get a girl.
[ACCENT.]
"Listen.
Listen.
I.
Want.
To.
Be.
Your.
Boyfriend.
" I don't give a fuck if your ex has a house key.
"Fuck him!" [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
soft, uplifting music Action Bronson's "Brand New Car" - I got a brand new car - New car? I got a jazz guitar Welcome, everybody.
Uh.
Yeah.
Thank you a lot for coming it means a lot to me Steer the yacht with my knee plenty of botany Damn bad chick on top of me pornography And I know she only want me for my guap-ery It's the first time ever Yo fuck this jacket I turn this shit to 85 napkins Since Jeter's done I'm now the captain Trust you me Gotham's safer now But there's always a new joker in town Ready to smoke you with that pound But when he shoot it The flag says "Bang" and everybody laughs He must be up and off the molly tabs I'm by the bar lookin' Swedish in the trench coat stupid The only one drinkin' mango lassi in the bullpen My lips are sealed like the singer with bad skin My need for speed made the Jag spin Dog, I'll resurrect Freaky Tah to do my ad-libs Overseas I pro'lly got mad kids That I don't even know about you better slow down [ARF.]